my school president's one-year anniversary | one scene per episode ↳ episode eight (original air date: january 27th, 2023)

“If you don’t look at me, how do you know I look at you?”

MANY THOUGHTS ABOUT ROCKETMAN

I HAVE SO MANY! HERE WE GO!

prelude: i went into this movie pretty jaded and not thinking i was gonna like it. in my head, i got john lennon and elton john confused. i was thinking it was about john lennon. “oh god, they made a movie about that prick?” further, i was already dreading it because they play EJ’s hits on the radio at work all the time, and frankly i was fucking sick of tiny dancer and im still standing. when i watched the trailer i was like “aw geez, elton john sings these? damn, i was hoping i could tolerate him at all.” so. not many high hopes for this movie.

that was until i was on a six hour flight from boston to portland, oregon, and i was delirious with pain and boredom. i was sat in the middle of a father and daughter, and so i really didn’t wanna pull out my laptop and get in their space. reading the subtitles from the office off the airplane tv made me sick. the lights were off and it was 2 am, so no reading. i. was. BORED. and then, i saw someone watching something in the row in front of me. where i was sitting i got a whole view of their screen. oh, they were watching that elton john movie. they didn’t have subtitles on, so i could only take from visual and context clues what was happening. it looked flashy, and oh-- that man just stared lovingly, tenderly into another man’s eyes. oh shit. oh yeah. elton is gay. 

now i’m hooked. if i’m anything, i’m a trans man in a desperate search for a complex queer romance movie. i wanted something that would pull on my heartstrings, that would wreck me emotionally with a high reward. suddenly elton is staring at himself in full garb, putting on and taking off his glasses. smiling then frowning. glasses on. smile. glasses off. scowl. oh he’s in distress. oh, is he snorting coke? okay, cool, tight.

from here on out, i watch the movie with (no audio) the predisposition that elton is in severe distress, dealing with drugs and self-sabotage all because his feelings and attraction towards men are confusing and frustrating and he doesn’t know how to cope with them. is he in denial? does he hate himself for it? does he try to make himself attracted to women? obviously, i was incorrect. elton was pretty secure in the fact that he was gay in his personal life. 

i think about rocketman for days until my flight back to sarasota. i decide to watch rocketman on the plane back instead of renting it. but for some reason, my goblin brain told me to rent it, and i did. but i ended up just watching it on the plane anyway.

i was disappointed. really, kinda bummed about it. every article and review said it was R for a reason. there was plenty sexual content and drugs to do elton’s real life comparison justice. in the movie i watched, i saw none of it. there was some drinking of alcohol, he took pills, it was implied he snorted coke. i saw no kissing, no intimacy, not even a tender hand on a cheek or embrace between elton and another man. this movie was praised for being so groundbreaking! for representing so much of what elton’s life was really like, with drugs and sex and all that. and now that i thought about it, i heard not one curse word. “bloody” was tossed around a lot, but that is used as an inflection. and during the pool scene before he throws himself in, when he meets john at the deck, he spits something about “his secretary shagging him in front of the pool boys.” that had me in utter confusion. there... was no one there with john? he was just sitting there? must’ve been something i missed.

SO IT TURNS OUT THE AIRPLANE’S VERSION OF THE MOVIE WAS HEAVILY CENSORED. i watched the real thing when i got home yesterday and was FLOORED by the differences in the same movie i had just watched. in the scene where elton remarks he’d like to change his name, they completely edited out the character behind him peeing into a glass bottle. they also cut out the scene where elton is staring at the performer, being yelled at to close the door, and the kiss where he’s pinned against the wall. holy fuck. i realized when i saw that, i had missed something MAJOR. this meant i was missing some MORE major explicit, probably important-to-the-plot-and-character-development stuff. oh, now i was excited. 

(we could talk all day about the fact that a single kiss between two men was cut because it was deemed “too explicit”, and in a movie about elton john being the ultimate irony)

the sex scene AND take me to the pilot were completely missing in the airplane version. i had no idea this song existed! oh my god, it was a banger! i cried tears of happiness during the song. holy shit. the tense energy between he and john, standing there silhouetted by the window, and then all of a sudden they’re all over each other, fingers tangled in hair, moaning into each other’s mouths, squirming, trying to get as close to each other as possible. this is what i wanted. this is what i was looking for. not because i was looking for something “hot” or “dirty.”’ i wanted an intense sex scene because then i knew it was real. i wanted the desperation, the nerves, the tender way they cradled each other, and how they went to town on each other. it was elton’s first time being intimate with a man, and it was such a nerve-wracking, intense, lustful, desperate moment. taron and richard absolutely nailed it. The swaying and the leaning into each other, the grabbing and nuzzling and all of a sudden they’re all over each other... it honest to god moved me. not to sound too “grew-up-baptist”, but sex, especially the first time you have it is so special and intimate and personal and important (imo). i know all the times i’ve had sex, it was a very, very special moment to me, and i wholly and completely trusted my partner then. i was so happy elton could find security and love and a heckin good time in bed with another man. it must’ve felt so freeing.

This was between two men! In the smack dab of the AIDS crisis in like 1975 or some shit! If being queer is this fucking tough in 2019, imagine what it was like in 1975!! MILLIONS of people were left to die by eat-shit Raegan who say by and said “aw that’s cute.” MILLIONS of people died for loving who they love!! That’s fucked man!! Seeing a triumphant moment like this in the middle of what was happening and what it could mean for Elton and his career just rly got me ya know

my entire perspective of the movie changed from then on. i was excited to see what else i had missed. in fact, some of the songs weren’t bad. maybe i’d like some of elton’s stuff after all?

i missed the scene in the closet. on the airplane, he followed john into the closet and shut the door. the scene cut. but in the real version, suddenly john pinned him against the wall, mirroring the scene of the first kiss i missed, and elton lamely stutters he wants dinner with him, not a sexual act john was certainly looking for, and in the next moment he was hungrily snapping at his finger. i missed exactly how much coke elton snorted. i missed entire scenes and nuances that provided so much to the story. man, i was angry i missed all this. i was cheated.

when i finished the real version, my perspective on the movie, and elton, and his music, had spun an entire 180. i dug it. i listened to rocket man on repeat during the entirety of my forty minute run. i fell asleep listening to the soundtrack. i woke up today listening to it, and have been through the whole day. i have not been able to get this movie off my mind. im watching it for the third time right now.

WELCOME TO THE THIRD POINT OF THIS POST!

if you made it this far, thank you. what i wrote feels so important to me. someone needed to hear it. I WANNA TALK ABOUT THE ENTIRE ROCKETMAN SCENE. I have PTSD with psychotic features. This means that under the right triggers, i hallucinate, visually or auditorily (is that a word), things that aren’t there. sometimes they’re scary, connected to my past trauma, but sometimes, they’re hazy outlines of good people who i think i know. i also deal with all the lovely things that come along with ptsd, including dissociation. pretty much any and everything can trigger me in a specific way. the pool scene was incredibly difficult to watch. seeing a little boy playing piano underwater, him sinking and hovering and singing along, and people slowly descending, dancing in the water until they retrieve him. the vision snaps apart and holy fuck elton is in trouble. (as an aside, that’s one of my favorite affects of film: the protag is under the influence of something, whether it be a hallucination, drugs, in a deep fantasy, or just otherwise a storytelling device, and he is in imminent danger. the audience is aware he is in imminent danger. the protag, however, is cool and chillin and hanging out, not aware or bothered, and maybe this is where a major character arc beat hits. in an instant, they’re pulled out of it, and we--the audience and the characters--are hit with how dire the circumstances really are.)

Suicide is a super sensitive subject to me. when he mumbled “i’m going to fucking kill myself” and plunged into the depths, my throat constricted. it was a difficult few minutes, but i held my breath, gritted my teeth, and paced myself through it. despite the sheer terror and panic that was racing through my brain, the entirety of it was so beautiful. the bright blues, whites, and blacks of the pool lighting and bubbles decorating him, the flow of his--forgive him, i don’t know if there’s a cultural name--outer garment, how curious and confused he looked as he watched his younger self do something he did now, and the people twirling through the water, reaching out, and eventually snatching him up until we’re suddenly in the present--dude, the cinematography of the entire first verse is so, so breathtaking. the scene in the ambulance and getting his stomach pumped was a bit too graphic for me (i could feel a flashback/hallucination creeping on; sometimes i can’t tell them apart.) but it was all done so smoothly. when they lifted him up, spun him around, undressed and dressed him all in one fluid motion, i lost my fuckin mind. i rewound it several times to just watch that sequence. the pain, reluctance, and exhaustion in his face right before he was handed his bat and exuberantly entered the stage was so intense it was palpable. my heart ached for him deeply. it’s allll about putting on a mask of being truly happy and well, when just before that, he had tried to fucking kill himself. how fucking heavy is that shit?

the downward spiral kept me on the edge of my seat. honky cat was funky as hell, and i loved the little tiny moments and gestures towards each other. maybe john and elton truly cared for each other for mere heartbeats before it all went south. he was hurting so bad and ruining everything and in such denial i wanted to throttle him by the shoulders to scream “LOOK WHAT YOU’RE DOING! YOU BIG FUCKING IDIOT!” he was constantly suffering, doing more coke and drugs than i thought a person could keep in his system. the suicide attempt, the fantastic Dodgers show, the night and day between his outward appearance and his actions, all of it was so gripping. the group therapy medium through which the story was told was insanely cool, too. i thought at first it was a bit cheesy, but it worked. i loved that he confronted everyone who had hurt him, and who he had hurt, and reconciled. i loved that as the major plot beats went on, his clothes eventually toned down in loudness, mirroring how the story was going along in real time. he went from having an explosive outburst, to levelly confronting his parents, and firmly insisting they not treat him like that anymore. they didn’t have the right. we could see how he’d grown through several different literary elements. the fact that it was laid out so plainly really helped me, someone who is dumb as fuck and constantly misses nuances like that.

it’s so disheartening to see elton’s first love was someone who was aggressive, non-interested, and who refused to listen to him.

(im at the pinball wizard scene, and holy shit this tune fucks)

at the end of the day, when i had thought the movie fell through so many expectations, i watched the real, authentic version and was so, so happy with how it turned out. it was much more honest than what i had thought it was. when the credits rolled, and it said he and his husband David Furnish had been happily married for 25 years, the tears really started coming. Elton did it. He survived through all the shit he put his body through, all the heartache and loneliness and terrible isolation and suffering, and he won. He got what he always wanted. A man who loved him deeply, purely, passionately, and properly. 

i haven’t shut up about elton john for days. i’m kinda baffled how something gripped me so intensely, when i had written it off as stupid just a day before this. thank you for reading. i’m sure i forgot a lot of things i wanted to express, but hopefully i got something across. let me know if you read this, please. if you made it all the way down here, i owe you like $5. drop me your venmo.

thank you for reading. this movie touched me in a way i didn’t think was possible. thank god for elton john. thank god for his perseverance. thank god for his story, giving me and millions of others hope that happiness will come. recovery is possible. healing is possible. you just need to reach out first. thank you and goodnight.

2016 Favorites/Worst

Favorite Movie: the Nice Guys TV DRAMA: Game of Thrones

TV EPISODE: Game of Thrones’ finale TV COMEDY: Veep LIFE CHOICE: getting a new double-sized bed First bed I’ve had in 30 years now. Game-changer. I guess if THIS is the best thing about my year, I suck. But it’s the simple things, really.

SHIT: messing up my shoulder   Physical Therapy for tendinitis in my shoulder—lost 15 pounds down to 165, gained it back and now back around 180. Took 9 months for my shoulder to feel right again to lift or do really any basic shit.

BEST GAMES I ATTENDED: DIVISIONAL: Pats-Chiefs

Pats-Ravens was dope and felt like a playoff game on Monday Night. 10 rows from the field. But nothing beats a playoff win though and hanging with my brother. WORST GAME: Pats-Seahawks Pats lost—plus the crowd was REALLY fucking dead, Seahawk fans are underrated for how annoying they are. I did not know they had their own chant: “Sea” “Hawk”. It’s dumb. Raven fans remain my most hated with their ‘Seven Nation Army’ chant.

Favorite Live Show: Rihanna @ TD Garden Honorable: Thrice (House of Blues) Missed out on seeing Brian Fallon & Chvrches. Bummer.

BEST STAND-UP SHOW: Bill Burr & Robert Kelly @ Comics Come Home Didn’t go to any shows this year other than that. Went to a shit ton the year before. Favorite Podcast episode: Joe Rogan’s End of the World election night podcast: just because of what Bill Burr FAVORITE PODCAST: Bill Burr’s Monday Morning Podcast BEST NEW PODCAST: 600 Hundred Dollar Podcast Best Sports Podcast: Pardon My Take Favorite Record: Brian Fallon-‘Painkillers’ FAVORITE SONG: Francis & the Lights & Bon Iver: ‘Friends’

HONORABLE… Bon Iver-’33 God’; Brian Fallon-‘Rosemary’; Car Seat Headrest-’Drunk Drivers/Killer Whales’; Chance the Rapper-’No Problem’; Thrice-’Hurricane’ OTHER… Beyonce-‘All Night’;  Desiigner-‘Panda’; Explosions in the Sky-‘Disintegration Anxiety’; Fifth Harmony-‘Work From Home’; Hotelier-‘Goodness Pt 2’; Naked & Famous-‘Higher’; Pinegrove-‘Old Friends’; Sia-‘Reaper’; Sing Street-‘Drive It Like You Stole It’; Struts-‘Could Have Been Me’; Tegan & Sara-‘Boyfriend’; Tribe Called Quest-‘We the People’; Weeknd-‘Starboy’; Zayn-‘Like I Would’ (Remix)

BEST COVER: Dustin Kensrue-‘Round Here’ (Counting Crows) & ‘Down There by the Train’ (Tom Waits) Julien Baker-‘Photobooth’ (Death Cab for Cutie); Brian Fallon-‘Atlantic City’ (Bruce Springsteen) & ‘Won’t Back Down’ (Tom Petty) JUST CAN’T GET INTO: Drake; Solange BEST SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE PERFORMANCES: Chance the Rapper (‘Same Drugs’); Tribe Called Quest WORST SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE PERFORMANCES: Lady Gaga (like watching a 50-year old woman perform: Tony Bennett aged her); Solange; 21 Pilots

Late Pass bands: Beach Slang, Lana Del Rey, Story So Far Favorite Celebrity Death: Antonin Scalia (Supreme Court Justice) Just a cancer for America for my whole life. Unfortunately, GOP’s are cunts—and they withheld long enough to nominate someone somehow worse than him probably. Least Favorite Thing in America-Donald Trump is President, Neo-Nazis somehow being a thing

Favorite Sports Moment: Tom Brady being Tom Brady—enjoying that as a Pats fan is unreal. Don’t want it to end, but it’s going to soon. Least Favorite Sports Moment: Pats losing to Denver in AFC Championship Least Favorite Sports Story: Deflategate/Roger Goodell Trash.

Favorite non-Boston sports story: LeBron bringing a title to Cleveland and near-dunk over Draymond to cement the Finals. Favorite longreads: Anonymous rape victim’s reading to Brock Turner, the Stanford swimmer rapist douche who got off with a ridiculous light sentence, is made public

-‘Voyeur Motel’ (best accompanied w/ Justin Halpern podcast) -Elizabeth Holmes/Theranos takedowns (the whistleblower and the Vanity Fair profile). Frotcast mocking Holmes’ voice/mannerisms & wannabe Steve Jobs-isms were fun to hear in association wih this.   Favorite Snapchat follow: Kelly Oxford

Favorite Other: my brother getting engaged New Year Day—and 2 of my other friends being engaged (childhood friend; former roommate) Fucked Over Moment: Dentist abruptly leaving office for San Diego—and being footed with a $2,000 dollar bill—going back to 2012 I always thought this family dentist who took over overcharged, but this capped it off. My whole family got footed with bills going back years when we thought we were all paid up. I pay TWO different dental insurances to maximize what I get. 2014, I paid $5,000 out of pocket for a root canal and to get a crown in. Less than 6 months later, same tooth was fractured and I got an implant put in: $5,000. So $10K on 1 single fucking tooth, easily more than one third of what I make a year working full time. So I think I am in the clear—no. I got it knocked down in half when protesting it and feeling like it’s fraud. Still, that is well over one month’s pay when I had money stashed away for new car tires, Christmas gifts, etc. To be blindsided just sucks. At no time did my family receive notice that we owed anything in the mail or in person when we go every 6 months or less.

Best Stand-Up Performance in person: Bill Burr at Comics Come Home (bad airplane ride bit) Honorable: Robert Kelly (Comics Come Home)

BEST COMEDY/STAND-UP SPECIALS: Roast Battle (the Wave, everything)—super fun  OTHER -Goddamn Comedy Jam—hear Bill Burr talk about this on his podcast and then to see it done? Awesome. Went overlooked. -Pete Holmes-‘Faces & Sounds’ -Kyle Kinane-‘Loose in Chicago’ -Pete Davidson-‘SMD’: some jokes felt curbed from my own life/shitty college experience. He’s this young and this good already, goddamn.

-Patton Oswalt’s clown story is real good—but it’s not his best special. I tried going to that taping in San Francisco but it was the same time as Chvrches on Treasure Island. If they were on different days, I would have purchased a flight out in a heartbeat. Bummer. -Gary Gulman’s bit on Conan with the state abbreviation bit was great.

SOMEWHAT DISAPPOINTING… Hannibal Burress (saw him live—special didn’t capture how great he is)

RANDOM SPORTS MOMENTS -Allen Iverson’s 30-minute Hall of Fame speech. He gives shout-outs to Dipset and Jada Kiss. Amazing. -Kevin Harlan’s Idiot on the Field call during 49ers-Rams game. Better than that shit game.

Favorite books 1) Stephen King-11/22/63’ Time-travel + love story in 1960s + adventure. The time travel is cool, but you find yourself caring more for the love story. It’s magical. King is super readable—the book flies the fuck by. 2) Paul Neilan-‘Apathy & Other Small Victories’ Like Jonathan Tropper said, ‘funniest book that no one has read’. Just about every line is boiling with humor. 3) Jonathan Tropper-‘This is Where I Leave You’ Movie sucked even with a loaded cast, but good book. I love this and ‘the Book of Joe’ (that SHOULD make an awesome movie—but it will probably be fucked up). Tropper is an American Nick Hornby but better: lot of heart, humor. And his TV series, ‘Banshee’, was pulp fiction action that was the shit (kind of a rated-R ‘Justified’)—except the final season sucked. 4) Gillian Flynn-‘Sharp Objects’ Amy Adams is starring in a David Fincher mystery serial killer series on HBO. It’s going to be fucked up, dark, and excellent. 5) Ben Fountain-‘Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk’ Excellent Iraq war novel. Kind of reminded me of ‘the Outsiders’ and if you kind of view it like that, it becomes cooler: the soldiers don’t TOTALLY belong in the setting they are in and are being used to promote a war. All takes place at a football game with flashbacks. 6) David Mitchell-‘Slade House’ Kind of a Sci-Fi version of ‘the Shining’. Quick book—I plan on getting more into Mitchell. I know his books all link up and I missed something in the last chapter that related to the ‘Bone Clocks’ or whatever. 7) Gillian Flynn-‘Dark Places’ Doesn’t flow as well as ‘Gone Girl’ or ‘Sharp Objects’ but it’s got killer twists and a cool plot. 8) Emily St John Mandel-‘Station 11’ Survival apocalypse + Shakespeare. 9) ‘Second Life of Nick Mason’ Solid crime thriller that could be a solid movie. 10) Lev Grossman-‘Magicians’ Didn’t get into this the way I wished. Harry Potter meets Chronicles of Narnia with some Rated-R shit; I thought that would make it more cool/fun, but nope. Like Quentin, you’re just left feeling incessantly let down. 11) Craig Clevenger-‘Contortionist Handbook’ Kind of Chuck Pahlaniuk-ish when he was on fire-ish.

OKAY… -Stephen King-‘Joyland’ MEH -‘Between World & Me’ (boring; short book—but felt like one big run-on sentence; felt like it needed an editor; I’ve read Coates stuff before that’s good, but this was boring. Like Kendrick Lamar’s music, I acknowledge this is important and doing something good, but I don’t think it was for me?) -Chuck Klosterman-‘But What if We’re Wrong’ (disappointing, forgettable, meh) -Denis Johnson-‘Jesus’ Son’ (lot of praise for this collected short stories of drugs and a lot of my favorite writers cite this as among their favorites—but didn’t do anything for me) -Drew Magary-‘the Hike’—Best online writer for a decade now. But I was glad when I finished the book that I was done with it. MOVIES THAT SUCKED -Ghostbusters Wrongfully hated before it came out for starring women by weird dudes. But, uh, no way to sugarcoat this, but this was a complete piece of shit. I want to fire Hemsworth’s character into the sun and it crescendos at the climax. Funny people are in the cast, but it’s like they wouldn’t let them be funny. Just awful idea and bad tone. Lenny Clarke, in a throwaway scene as a Sox fan, should not have the funniest moment of the movie. Movies that were as bad as everybody said they were -Batman vs Superman worth watching if only for the ‘MARTHA’ scene twist they had; holy shit, it’s stupid. I bought the uncut version just to see if it in full because Joe fucking Derosa said that this was the best Batman movie ever; so I bought it just to see how stupid he is—and I’m the moron now.

-Suicide Squad Honest Trailers breaking down Enchantress’ dancing is great. CRITIC MOVIES I Thought Sucked: the Lobster; the Witch

DISAPPOINTING SEASONS FROM GOOD SHOWS: Banshee; Mr Robot DONALD TRUMP: I don’t think I’ve felt sadder/shocked/crushed. I was in a daze/cloud for 3 days or so—luckily I took the day after the election off work in case something unimaginable happened (Trump being elected). There was always the fear it would happen, but I just didn’t think it would or even imagined how I would feel until it happened. Just complete despair and disbelief. Hillary winning would have been awful too, but Trump? THAT guy? Next 4 years are going to be interesting: there’s going to be a ton of protests/strikes to fight off madmen politicians, corporations, Neo-Nazis, everything-Occupy Wall Street never got off the ground with a unified message. But people like me just might end up protesting for the first time in my life because everything will be at stake. I don’t know what will happen, but it’s naive to not be scared and fear the worst (war; climate change; water shortage causing mass migrations/deaths in my lifetime; corporations fucking over workers; a country splitting; power being in the wrong hands in a surveillance state; violence; regressive agendas; Wall Street getting more power and another bubble collapse) HILLARY OVER BERNIE: because Bernie would have won. Democratic establishment rigged the system and chose the worst possible candidate in an election in which establishment politicians were hated and anger was tapped into (good: Bernie, Bad: Trump). Choose the candidate that people are enthusiastic about. ‘It was her turn’ is bullshit. It was her turn in 2008 but she lost to a guy with a Muslim-sounding name, basically lost to a 70-year old Socialist Jew, and then to Donald f’n Trump. When Democrats start choosing better candidates, they will win every election. Shut the fuck up about politics -oh, right.