there is something so so so Appealing about angry/irritated Barnaby. it scratches an itch in my brain. somethin somethin comic relief characters getting to break their mold and be outwardly unhappy

2018

2018. currently august 4. i wanted to incessantly share the knowledge i’ve gathered this year, and how i came out strong through it all. how? not my own strength, God’s. he was giving me signs to just let him take control, but i was constantly wanting to take matters into my own hands.  i learned what it felt like to feel guilt in a friendship when i wasn’t a perfect friend. i felt i was burdening her when i was feeling insecure and felt myself slowly comparing myself to her as i noticed my weight gain. seeing how people were treating me different, made me so close minded, focusing solely on my appearance and letting that take over my days... forcing me to avoid going to work and escape my priorities. i was being selfish. not selfless. and getting so caught up in the small things that don’t matter. i now know i can say no, and i don’t deserve to be taken advantage of. there’s only so much i can give, and i have to have my space in order to be my best self for others, not just one person. i learned that i don’t need to take everything so personal. i learned that i was looking at food for comfort, when i felt alone, in my battles. having my car stolen, causing so much anxiety that everything was out of my control, i turned to food. it was a vicious cycle of wanting to escape the world but led me to hide in my room out of shame and disgust in myself that i would hurt my body that way. our bodies are beautiful.. it has allowed me to surf, have bone broth and truly heal my gut so that my immune system is strong, and realizing the gut/mind connection makes me want to help so many others who may be struggling.  if anything, i’ve learned so much about myself. that i can stay positive and resilient in times of struggle. i had to internalize these beautiful qualities i possess beyond my appearance. social media has provoked these subconscious feelings of unworthiness, comparison, and not living in the now. it’s constantly wanting to show this amazing aspect of your life. so in that sense, im grateful, bc i admit i was consumed in it. i love that i can love others, and see beyond their appearance and see their soul, their intentions. through brand ambassador demos, i know how to engage with people, learning new languages, mahala sahala, sowanehaaaa, viegietz, pruviet, salam, chetori.??, i love connecting with people. it’s so beautiful and i have learned my purpose on earth is to love and i want to surround myself with people who will do the same, not only be there when things are great for you, or when you have something to offer them. i learned this year the beauty of our vulnerability and struggles. it takes courage to open up about our struggles, and i think that reveals the true friends. i found that certain people drifted as soon as i needed help or was feeling not so confident in my skin... those people aren’t genuine. and maybe its bc they lack that sense of comfort that there will be people for them if they were in the same situation. its a feeling of security that people have when they stray away from you. but good people will help you out, i.e. neighbor giving me ride to work, rides to surf, letting me stay at her place, inviting me to events with her friends.  i also learned, this year, time is so valuable. it is something i can’t take back. and i could’ve made so many new relationships... but that’s what i learned. i kept getting stuck in the past of what if? why did i waste so much time? and that only held me back or took me more steps back because of that. because i kept feeling guilt for wasting time, thereby wasting more time as i was consumed in those negative thoughts. people wanting to spend time with you is something not to be taken lightly, not something you can flake, bail on or replan easily. be considerate of others time and value theirs as much as yours.  in terms of practical things-- always get insurance, never keep title in car, always save phone things, BUDGET... i now see the value in education as well. and realize that my dad put me in situations that forced me to be independent which i definitely was bitter at him for, but have learned to appreciate and see why he did so. i hope this next month 1/2 i can truly prepare my heart to take classes and work hard. bc nothing comes easy in this life.  as for now, i am working on just being myself. being honest with work, surfing without looking around to see if i am accepted based on my looks, to work on improving my heart, and prioritizing my duties, cleanliness, work and meeting new people and intentionally having great conversations.  thankful for friends who have shown up or been there when i have gone through this year. and i will remember, bc i value loyalty in a friends. positivity, affirmation, and stoke for new adventure. here’s to the next 5 months YEEW :-) I hope i can get back to journaling, and jesus. bc i dont want to live a life soaked in social media... it aint worth the years lost.... xxxxxx Ash