gillion’s entire character is just so… all his life he’s been told that if he cannot do things exactly the way he Should, the way he’s been Taught, then he is a failure of a hero. and it’s absolutely fucked him up in so many ways, but one of the most conflicting ones is his Need to do right by those he cares about. one of the issues there is obviously that it’s a need and not a want - he Has to do everything he possibly can to help or save his friends, because if he doesn’t, he’s a failure to them. he’ll stop being useful, stop being their shield, and if he isn’t a shield for those he loves, then what good is he, really?

but the other thing is that like. this need puts him in danger constantly - he’s the tank, he Has to be - and he thinks that that’s good, that that’s what he needs to be doing lest his friends stop wanting to be around him or be his friends at all. he Has to be willing to throw himself up for slaughter because if he doesn’t it’ll be one of them and it Cannot be one of them, not just because gillion cares about them and doesn’t ever want to see them hurt, but also because the thought of failing around the only people who have ever seemed to really want to understand the person that gillion is is something so unbearable it feels like it aches, physically.

and for everything he’s willing to give, for everything he’s already given, he doesn’t even realize how much it hurts chip and jay and everyone else to see him throw himself and his safety aside so casually! he said it himself, he doesn’t know how to give anything other than everything he has, and learning to rely on others is completely foreign to him. not because he doesn’t trust the people around him, but because if he does rely on them, even a little, he’s weak. he’s dragging them down, he’s a liability, he’s purposefully putting them in danger.

and with all that, what is another burden indeed, huh?