been genuinely obsessed with @snapscube 's recent sonic unleashed series and uh. y'know. something something paying tribute.

anyways go follow @sagetheh3rb (who helped me with the vent server messages) on here and tiktok :3

Really empathizing with your recent life updates and hoping everything works out for you. I've also been experiencing some Life Events (not very fun lol) and i now have a very large urge to move to canada. Idk about you but im at that weird 20s stage of my life where everything seems so permanent and lifechanging but also not? So full support in your cross-country moving dreams!!

that's literally it sigh. I've recently had a lot of upheaval in my life that was out of my control and I think my instinctive reaction is grabbing everything I do have control over (like, to some degree, where I live) and also throwing that to the wind because I feel like my self-image is being radically reordered by forces outside of me, so I'm trying to gain control of everything by changing what I can change.

as I inch closer to my late 20s (maybe I'm there already, idk, pacing by age is stupid for a gazillion reasons yet we do it anyway) I also have that feeling where it's like: clearly nothing I do matters! and yet, for some reason, apparently every decision I make is life-defining! what the fuck! I have no power and all the power at the same time!

it's just tough. I've had a lot of friends go through pretty big changes lately; changes that to me, speak to an adulthood I don't have access to yet. some are getting married, others divorced, some are on their journeys to parenthood, or preparing for those journeys. and it's like... I feel like I'm frozen in time, untouched by the life markers of my age and peer group. hell, I'm barely coping with both of my younger siblings now having boyfriends they're comfortable telling me about/introducing to the family, but meanwhile I just experienced the first real crush of my life this year. I know "queer time" has been discussed more recently as a phenomenon but I was unprepared for experiencing it. I'm a million miles "behind" everyone in my life. and yet, I'm not even actually ready to be where they are. I want it and I don't. I want to reinvent myself so badly and yet I form attachments to where I am and who I am. I'm wishy washy because my decisions don't matter but they also do. it's just insane.

I'm really comfortable here, and I'm not ready to move yet, but I also refuse to make plans for my future concretely. I've never been the type to have a life plan, for better or worse. I just.... live, and I take life as it comes. but as I get older, I feel like ~I'm okay~ if I keep horse blinders on and only focus on myself and how I feel, but when I take the blinders off and look at the world around me, and the people I hold near and dear, suddenly I feel like I've been dumped into an olympic swimming pool and want to keep up with people who've been training their whole lives to swim.

by a lot of metrics I'm doing okay. I keep my wits about me when it comes to money. I've been very fortunate to travel a lot and to experience some of the world. I maintain good relationships with the people I've worked with. I have friends. I get by and live decently. and that should be enough, right? if I live well enough and enjoy my life day by day, that's what matters...?

but like you said, it's those sudden urges. that feeling of wanting to run away to something. I think it's being spoiled for choice. I don't really have ties to anyplace. I could go anywhere. I could do anything, in actuality. no one is reliant upon me. no one NEEDS me in any one place. I could move to freaking London if I wanted to. the world is my oyster, and I'm a little paralyzed by the true freedom of it. you can do anything. so what do you do?

the sensation isn't new to me, but it's been a while since I felt it. I've done too much crazy life development this last year, lol, I'm ready for a quieter season of life where I can sink into routine and make connections with interesting, kind people and reconnect with my passions (running, writing ... both of which I've been working on lately), but I feel so untethered and I think I'm chasing fantasy dreams (running away to the PNW) because I'm definitely the kind of person who, when plans go awry, sometimes feels the impulse to blow them up even further to pretend I'm in control of any part of the process.

which is to say: I feel you, good luck, and my DMs are always open if you wish to commiserate, haha.