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allsystemsarenotgo · 5 years

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My life on Television

-opens Pandora, taps Play-

*Push (acoustic) - Avril

*Life after you - Daughtry

*Better than me - Hinder

Today's Big Bang Theory was about relationships and how to maintain and balance them.

Young Sheldon was about trying to educate others, psychology, and the pursuit of relationships.

*Bad Girlfriend - Theory of a Deadman

If you go back through my Tumblr by more than a couple years, you'll notice that for quite a while, TBBT followed the events of my life, sometimes to a Tee. As the show progressed into more of a relational and sexual drama and less of a nerdy drama, it has diverged from the events of my life. I enjoyed the original 5-8 seasons or so, even though the convergent nature scared me away from seasons 5-8 and I only watched some of the episodes.

*Girlfriend - Avril

Fortunately, or not, Young Sheldon has not been this level of convergent with my life so far in the series. There have been some analogies and a couple relating spots, but generally not so much.

I have been lonely and depressed lately and thus in pursuit of a relationship. Any kind of relationship. Even friendship is better than nothing. I just need to fill this void I have.

I think my posts from the last few weeks get the general message across. I won't rehash what has already been hashed.

*Bad Company - Five Finger Death Punch

On Big Bang, Sheldon was jealous of Amy, Stuart was nervous of progressing with Denise, and Raj was uncomfortable with Anu because of his own doing.

On Young Sheldon, Sheldon was trying to teach Missy about Math, to the extend of holding a doll as prisoner.

*My Immortal - Evanescence

Meanwhile, Georgie was trying to selfishly court a girl by trying to falsely align his interests to hers.

It sure is unfortunate that these two shows together read like the diobolical rediculousness that has been my life in terms of relationships.

I courted two young ladies by trying to pursue the churchy side of things despite my scientifically influenced decision to maintain agnosticism. The first occurrence was a completely selfish dumpster fire that I got completely called out on from the outside but was too (dumb || selfish || ignorant) to acknowledge from my own point if view.

*Gotta Be Somebody - Nickelback

The second occurrence was actually initiated by the other party. I'd never dated prior to college, so having a young lady make first move, I would have been dumb to say no (or would I?). But like Raj, my own fault led me to attaining undesirable information. While the situation on TV will not be known until next week, I can tell you that I terminated the relationship pretty much at that point, then and there.

*Jar of Hearts - Christina Perri

So what am I trying to (say || vent)? That is a great question.

Seeing not one but both series have a unified topic which strikes my situation is....troubling. to the average person that may not seem significant...but to an alternatively-minded person, it is a big deal.

*Complicated - Avril

It is as if Chuck Lorre and Steven Molaro are trying to tell me to be cautious in who I try to talk to and how I go about it. Which would make sense since I am riding some sharp knife edges as I try to find and get what I want...wether others wish to comply or not. That's not my choice, I can't control that aspect.

I don't know what to do. I am lost and confused.

I want friends instead of acquaintances. But everyone in my world is taken, and it gives me great guilt to contact them. That's covered in a previous post.

I need somebody that I can talk to and be open with, but also hang out with in person and have a tangible feeling.

*I knew you were trouble - Taylor Swift

--A conversation:

--Other: "Why can't you or do you feel like you can't be touched the way you want?"

--Me: "Because there's nobody here to cuddle"

--Other: "Why can't you find that someone? Why do you think you have to be alone?"

--Me: "One of my moodal aspie traits, I generally don't like being around or touching people. But I also enjoy hugs, holding hands, cuddling/laying together, or otherwise having a tangible link to a ground person."

--Other: "So as long as it's on your terms to touch and feel"

--Me: "I refuse to pay a computer to give me its artificially intelligent opinion of a person who is best for me. Especially since my persona is deviant from standard. But since I do not go to bars, drink, smoke, or party, my options for interaction to others, specifically other singles, is significantly reduced."

--Other: "Yes, I can completely understand that. I have no interactions outside of racing. I don't share. I get it. I dont even begin to think I understand you. But I want too. Human is human. Desire and desire to be wanted and touched is there."

*Get The Party Started - Pink

Some people say that I make it look easy to write my feelings out. Unfortunately, anything that you are good at will naturally make it look like an easier task to other people.

*Never Say Never - The Fray

I have become so numb to feelings and emotions that writing is my outlet. It's become part of who I am, and so it comes easily.

Except for when writer's block occurs because I can only represent so much of what goes on in my mind using written words.

*Since U Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson

The other day I made a Tumblr post about various resources relating Asperger's and Depression. It is more common than I was led to believe, which concerns me more that 5 different medical people never brought up the two of them, and the autism expert I visited was unsure of handling Asperger's and Depression together. That is really sad, in more than a few ways.

*A Thousand Years (Part 2) - Christina Perri

Listening to Pandora helps me write sometimes. Somehow, Pandora always knows my mood and is able to cobble together a playlist that generally follows my mood, and sometimes my writing follows in terms to the music.

This leaves me in a place where I have to again wonder if I need to set science aside and accept that I am but a puppet to a higher power, or do I keep my science close and stay Agnostic, not deciding wether such a higher power exists or not.

*If I Die Young - The Band Perry

It is tough accepting that my lack of social skills, my lack of socializing forces me to be lonely, and that this loneliness spurs my depression.

I was at a party for New Year's Eve. I played a couple rounds of dice games (Left-Center-Right). I wasn't exactly lonely, but I was. I was around people and thus was able to talk to others and be social, but at the same token I wasn't much interested after awhile in playing games and all that. So I got bored. The kind of bored that leads to being lonely. Thankfully somebody pulled out from pyrotechnics so that shut down those feelings.

*Sk8er Boi - Avril

It's not really a secret that I get jealous easily. I am not really sure why, if it's from being lonely or having to settle just to get a bit of happiness. I see all these happy people in relationships while I sit here sulking in my own feelings. It is rough on the mental state. I want to have somebody that I can take to parties, to flaunt, to hang out with and go places with and cuddle with and all those great things.

But sometimes I feel like I would be in the same situation as Stuart. Courting a girl almost a full decade younger, great looking, with a common interest, but not knowing what to do with the relationship. Being afraid to make any kind of move, to answer simple questions with a yes or no.

*Always - Saliva

I know that you aren't supposed to care about how others see you. You can't do anything about their thoughts, so why spend time and mental power on something you can't control? Yet despite this, one of my biggest fears is my public image. I hate when others cast doubt and shine down on me like a stray animal or discarded refuse.

While I was with my second (and most recent, for those keeping count) girlfriend, I was extremely, vehemently concerned about the perception cast being around her, because of her weight. I didn't want to be seen as a settler because we actually did get along, understood eachother for the most part, and had a couple interests in common (not to mention meeting through the workplace). I slowly started holding hands with her in public and things like that, but it was a slow road.

*Look After You - The Fray

It is hard to explain my mind in written words, but I try to do the best that I can. I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer. I don't have a very good history and my outlook on the future is sketchy at times. But writing is my outlet, so I do the best that I can to put my mind out there and vent off the psychological pressure.

*Fake It - Seether

If you have any love to give, please send it my direction. Thank you.

*Behind These Hazel Eyes - Kelly Clarkson

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