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danwetzelsports · 7 years

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As this blog has long noted I travel a lot for work. I’ve flown over one million miles on Delta/Northwest and who knows how many more on airlines ranging from Southwest to an operation known as Aeroflot.

I’ve taken domestic flights inside some edge-of-proper-society-places such as China, Russia, South Africa, Brazil and Louisiana. Other than the obvious similarities between our looks, I am not George Clooney from that movie, but I’ve seen a thing or two.

And here is what I know: Not to defend United for dragging that guy off the plane, but generally the biggest problem when it comes to flying is not the airlines but my fellow passengers.

I don’t know all the details and don’t care for all the details but clearly United messed up. If you need seats on a full flight you have to keep raising your bump compensation until someone takes it. That’s the way to deal with this.

But in defense of airlines, we can walk back the rest.

Just briefly: overbooking isn’t a bad thing. It’s a good thing. Good for the airlines who can maximize profits by accounting for the number of people who miss flights, fly stand by earlier or later or cancel at the last moment. And good for passengers because that allows flight prices to remain lower than they otherwise would and gets as many people on a plane (and thus across a day) as possible. Also, you can score some sweet credits if you volunteer.

Airlines are terrible at lots of things. Believe me. I’ve been taken off flights. I’ve been put on flights to unnecessary connecting airports. I’ve been stranded overnight. I’ve had long set plans ruined. It’s brutal.

Ninety-plus percent of the time however I’ve climbed in a tin can in one city/country and landed on time or earlier in another. It’s amazing. Lewis And Clark was two hundred years ago.

The United thing was extreme. Poor work by the airline, but when three cops come and tell you to move out of your seat, you should really move out of your seat. It’s not going to end well and an airline seat is hardly the hill you want to get roughed up on. Go protest something important.

On Wednesday April 5, Delta was dealing with heavy storms and everything was a mess in Augusta, Ga. The little airport was packed with beaten-down travelers. Luckily they called my flight we all boarded the plane. Then we sat on the tarmac for an hour before being told told we all needed to get off.

The entire plane – every passenger – peacefully exited only to have Delta give our plane to another flight. We had to watched a couple hundred other people take our seat. They soon departed for Atlanta instead of us. Our flight never left. Cancelled for good.

It sucked but no police were needed. Everyone listened to the flight attendant.

I appreciated that because it’s usually an idiot passenger causing all the problems, not the stressed-out, under-paid, no-good-option flight attendant or gate agent.

Here are my five worst people on a plane (in no particular order and I’m not even getting to the obvious ones such as belligerent drunks or barking dogs – no dogs should be allowed in the damn main cabin, by the way).

1. Starbucks Lady

It’s a 6:30 a.m. cross-country flight and you felt the need to get a Venti double Frappuccino or whatever that creation is? Not only are you going to spend the first hour of the flight sucking loudly through a straw, but that creation has enough caffeine and sugar to drop a horse. Look lady, no one is asking you to fly the plane. Exactly how alert do you need to be?

You want to know how to make air travel better? Go to sleep. Flight goes faster, you don’t need to be entertained, you can ignore the other passengers and you catch up on some rest (fitful, but whatever). Don’t tell me you can’t sleep on planes between a gargle of Starbucks. You have to have a plan – turn off electronics, read a book, avoid stimulants. It isn’t hard. I feel for like 6-foot-10 guys, but you aren’t that.

Don’t book a window seat, drink a massive coffee and then wonder why you are as fidgety as a kindergartener, unable to sleep and have to get up three times to go to the bathroom – thus bothering the rest of us.

2. Big bag guy

It ain’t going to fit, buddy. Maybe it’s compensating for other parts of their life. Maybe they just really think they are going to get over on the airline for that $25 baggage fee. Whatever it is, that massive roller isn’t getting into the tiny overheard compartment.

These guys are the worst. They push and slam and bitch and moan. The people already seated below them are panicked and jostled. Some properly sized bag is inevitably getting crushed up there.

The guy gets angrier and angrier as he tries to defy the laws of physical space. Soon he’s regaling everyone about that time the airline lost his luggage in Albuquerque – cry me a river, we’re not on your side.

Then the poor flight attendant has to come by and tell him he needs to check it (for free) and he gets mad at them. Everyone’s stress goes up. Look, pay the fee or pack less. It’s simple. How much crap you need for this weekend in Erie?

The baggage fee thing is horrible but they have to do it because all you fools will only pay for the cheapest flight that comes up on Expedia. Then you complain when the flight isn’t luxurious like it supposedly used to in the Mad Men days or something. It’s like someone buying a Chevy Spark and then bitching it isn’t as roomy as a Cadillac Escalade.

3. Idiot/Patriot in the TSA line

You know these people are there to stop us from getting blown up, right? Imperfect system but it’s the best we’ve got.

So, can you please pay attention? September 11 was over a decade and a half ago … the freakin’ laptop has to come out of the bag. Yes, a cell phone is a metal item. And actually I am not surprised that your oversized belt buckle caused the x-ray to ping. It’s not shocking at all.

This isn’t that hard. Follow the stupid rules. You’re slowing up the line because you are a clown.

The only people worse are the ones who believe the TSA is infringing on their Constitutional rights with that there new-fangled body scanner or a pat down or merely existing. What, you think I’m a terrorist? Look, if you’re that into your privacy, then cool. Just find a better way to get the woods of Idaho.

Twitter follower @FakeKevinKugler added a subset to this: the person who was sent to TSA PreCheck but decides to clog everything up by stripping down anyway. You undeservedly reached the promised land and this is how you act? Pay attention.

4. Burrito Bowl Dude

Tight connections and long trips can mean there is limited time to get a meal at the airport. And we know you aren’t getting anything substantive in coach. So people bring food on the plane.

Here’s a tip. Maybe on those days, you just have a protein bar. Or eat right away as you wait for everyone else to board. Not these people. They have to bring an elaborate, often sloppy meal, let it sit in a bag for an hour stinking up the place and then pull it out and try to spread out.

There’s usually some assembly required, some salsa to pour over, some Sriracha or salad dressing. Then a knife and fork come out. You need the dexterity of Houdini to eat this thing in such a small space so rice or lettuce is inevitably flying everywhere and chicken is spilling and it’s a massive mess.

You’re bothering me now. I don’t care if it’s good.

5. Drink Cart Enthusiast

They need to get rid of the drink cart on all flights under like two hours. It’s a rolling debacle. If you are so desperate for hydration or a tiny snack then buy your own.

Yet they pull that thing out and people act like dogs that just saw their master walk in with the treat jar. You’ve never had a Diet Coke before? A package of five to six pretzels? I have had people wake me up to let me know the drink cart is here so I wouldn’t miss out.

The drink cart blocks the aisle, slams knees and elbows and generally only gives the customers something else to bitch about because they didn’t get the whole can or found the peanuts an unsatisfying meal. You know, back in the day they used to carve up steak. Yeah, well, back in the day flights cost a thousand bucks and planes crashed all the time.

I once had a 37-minute flight to Indianapolis delayed for 1:45 because “catering” needed to restock the drink cart. That means we could have flown to Indy, deplaned, slammed a beer at the airport bar, reboarded and returned.

BONUS: 5A Delusions of Grandeur Guy in 38B

Many Twitter followers mentioned this one. You’re way in the back of the plane yet somehow believe once the plane arrives at its destination and pulls up to the skybridge that you’ll somehow beat the crowd and race off the plane first. I get the desperation to make a connecting flight, but it isn’t happening. Usain Bolt couldn’t charge the aisle fast enough to make it. Accept reality and wait your turn.

BONUS: 5B Boarding Group ZZ Gate Blockers

More Twitter recommendations. They have a process to get on the plane. The Diamond Medallion and First Class people go first. Deal with it. If you find yourself in Group 7 or whatever, get the hell out of the way. Standing in front of the little ropes that lead to the ticket scanning machine when you aren’t getting on for the next 20 minutes assures only one thing, it will take even longer to get on.

This is a partial list. In summary, as much as I sometimes hate airline bureaucracy, I hate you people even more.

And don’t lean your seat back.

#terriblepeople

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