#i don't hear any songs but there sure are ancient lesbians | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

redsalamanderfries · 6 years

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July 6

5:33 AM, Friday early morning.

The balcony overlooking the sea and forest, Rize.

Drinking cherry infusion tea.

Hey so I haven't been able to post cuz I traveled, and had no access to the internet where I am staying at, and boy oh boy do I got a lot to unpack about the whole journey and whats unfolding now. I'm not sure if I will get to that, however, I am still writing some of that emotional mess in my notebook, it helps. But I personally prefer writing it on here, mainly cuz I don't want any of my family members getting cute and looking into my notebook, I don't think they would take kindly the lesbian fantasies and rantings I put in there.

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I have slept for 4 hours today, as usual, with insomnia and all.

Sleep is for people that have made their peace with God. Sleep is for those that whom have reached enlightenment, or at least the great quality one. Since I have not achieved any of those the universe won't let me be.

I think about how the ancient Greeks thought of falling madly in love was an alignment, not romanticizing it at all. Which when I think about it makes fucking sense, cuz lets face it falling in love feels great, but only cuz it gives u that high u get from drugs. And we all know how badly drugs can fuck a person up, but also I say this cuz I have done both. And both r the same to me, u get a false sense of happiness, addictive, degrading, and the aftermath is just u by urself having to sort out all the self-destruction u have inflicted on ur life. So now if I really really hate a person, I won't shit talk them, I’ll just wish them to fall madly and hopelessly (especially the unreciprocated kind, yeah the shittest) in love and insomnia (cuz god knows how insane its driving me).

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I gotta say though as bitter and shitty as I am, sitting here rn. I don't feel as mad. At least I have the sea in front of me.

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U know for where I am rn, its a place so many ppl would kill for. And I got it, I didn't ask for it, I didn't want it. But here I am, going to start a new life miles away from home, in a foreign place. Tbh years back during my teenage years, I would have killed for this, but then life happens and I realized that my teen wishes were not realistic. And then on sought to reshape and adjust them accordingly, to actual achievable goals, and I set myself on to working on them.

I wanna slap myself and be thankful and appreciative of where I am now, but I'm not, I just don't wanna be here. I don't wanna be in Rize, yeah it's nice, yeah its a great life, but it's for me, cuz I didn't choose it, it was given to me, and I don't feel that I earned it, or deserve it for that matter.

I had no say in any of this.

Just cuz u like this doesn't mean I will. I'm trying to give it a chance, but it's rather difficult for me. Like there r days where I feel like I can do this and others where I just wanna cry and die. I feel that God hates me enough to not let me die peacefully, I think that I’ll be driven to madness until I have the courage to end it, to kill myself and be set free. Or die a grisly death. Either way, I will suffer and go through intense agony.

I wanna understand the universe and God, or whatever forces there are behind life. But I know too well that, that would be useless, why bother I never will, we humans never will, nor ever shall. We just were not meant to, and that initially bothered me, but I look at this the way I look at artworks.

Good Art makes us feel, think, and contemplate.

It's like an odd song that u hear for the first time, u don't hate it or love it, u don't really get how u feel about it at first. But u realize after a while as u go through ur day, u still hear it in your head, it lingers there. And then u realize u were allowing it to, cuz it made u feel something different, and u like that, the feeling of something odd, something different. Regardless of negative or positive.

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10:41 AM

Guess who is still fucking awake and in a shiiiiiit mood. That's right bitch, it's me lol

#July 2018

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