i am never fucking eating kfc again god fucking damn that was the worst heartburn i’ve ever experienced

07.01.2022

its midnight now lol

anyways, on autumn break we decided to go to amsterdam, everything was going fine until like 3 days before the day we were supposed to go i realized the tickets i had bought werent valid anymore because the airline (alitalia) had gone bankrupt. long story short, i had to tell her, she got really mad (not at me - maybe yes but she didnt say in case-) and my mom got really mad, i felt like shit bc i didnt care to change the tickets after the arline had announced it was shutting down (3 weeks prior). anyways, after that i noticed that maria was just acting different. kind of apathetic, really not that excited. we get to the airport (i bought new tickets), it gets better, but as soon as we get to the hotel in amsterdam she kind of loses her sparkle. whatever, she sprobably tired. throughout most of the trip tho she remains like that. like u can see she’s not excited excited yk. the second and third night we met up with some friends of hers from ukraine. 1st night: started off nice, we met up at kfc and i ate a bucket of 20 chicken wings (worst decision of my life). after finishing eating we go straight to the coffee shop, i get my fake id ready and we get the weed. sativa. second worst decision was inhaling that shit like it was ventolin. after like 5 minutes and 3 pulls i start feeling really weird, no force, wanna vomit, get really hot and dizzy, i just storm out the coffee shop and try to puke but nothing goes out. i sit down in the street (it was an alley w a bunch of ppl - friday night-) and try to not throw up. stomach gets kinda better but atp im fucking baked. we get (they) a tavble at a nearby sandwich shop and they get me a coke. they sit me down for like 1h and im just plunged in oblivion. everything fades in and out, marias records me, idgaf. 1h later i feel like im able to walk so i try to and surprisingly dont fail. we rush to the bus stop, im still stoned and can barely keep my head up, they just run like that was the last fucking chance to get to their hotel. maria says were going to their room wo asking me if i even wanted to but ok. while we run to the tram stop shes just running with them like 5m ahead of me and occasionally looks back to check on me. idk why i got mad at her after that but whatever. we then get to our room, i staert feeling better, at this point theyre only speaking and russian and ofc i dont understand shit. at some point she looks at me and goes “can u go to sleep i wanna have fun”. again i got kinda sad when she said that but i really just pretended i didnt understand what she had said. thay went outside for like 10min to smoke again and then came back. the rest of the night isnt really relevant.

so 2nd night was a little spicier. red light district, we went to see a live sex show lmfao. just some strippers and ppl fucking in front of us. nothing that special tbh but it was funny. after that we go to a coffee shop and smoke there for like 2h. at the beginning i ask some random questions in english to her friends n shit but they just give short answers and than switch back to russian. she doesnt really seem to care, matter of fact at some point she goes “sorry im too high to speak english” like damn i didnt know weed makes u retarded but whatever. 

the following day were at a normal coffee shop having breakfast and when coming from the bathroom i peep at her phone and notice she posted a story on her close friends. i grab my phone and look for it while shes in the bathroom but dont find anything. i check her highlights (where she has some regular stories and some from her close friends) the close friends ones are gone. wierd. i vividly remember that she was checking the views and there was a green tag so i know it was hers. tbh i think it was a video of me stoned af, not that i care too much but the fact that she removed me from the stories to post that really says a lot. the video in itself isnt that bad but i had asked her not to post it. 

so yeah other than that theres also the fact that she would be on her phone all the fucking time. on the bus, tram, at lunch, while we were eating. fucking great. 

when i confronted her about all this she made up some shit - she acc aknowledged the speaking russian thing thing, but she said that she was just checking social media bc we had been talking the whole day so it was kind o flike a break - makes no sense but whatever. 

anywaysssss back to my birthday: yeah after the trip our friendship kind of fell off. not that we stopped being friends, but i ignored her for a week bc i was genuinely mad at her for said reasons. eventually she apologized but the close friends thing made me realize that were not close friends at all (sorry for the pun - its genuinely not meant to be “deep” but thats the simplest way to put it). like why did you hide something so blatant? also just in general her mood was just off. and she really didnt make an effort to cheer up. so yeah after we made up i really started looking at her a different way. i didnt fully express what happened in amsterdam on here but it was just a lot of sketchy shit. as in, i dont think a true friend would do this kind of stuff.

Sun 2/28 3:06am

watched a lot of crime shows lately. good girls, ginny & georgia, those kinds of crimes that happen in nice places, done by nice ppl. or like, suburban dystopia & rats on the countertops. 

up late last night watching tv- been really good & sleeping early for the last two weeks, waking up early too. but i woke up around 1pm today with plans to go do something, anything, with mom, hang out somewhere or smth. last weekend we went to altoona with dad too, & walked around the mall & ate kfc in the car before driving back. mom got a call from alice & sat on my bed with me, & we talked abt her residency match stuff & whatever. idk i think i was saying smth silly, maybe abt altoona last week, & felt like we were abt to end the call, & mom said she needed to tell us smth important. & she told us that grandma passed away last week, on wednesday. she died in the morning, & it snowed for the first time in a while that day in luoyang. its a good sign, peaceful passing. i started crying, & i heard moms voice start to break, & on the phone alice’s face begin to turn red. just like tears leaking out of my eyes, i didnt even feel the squeezing or any of the feelings in my head before i began crying. i guess its just one of those things that happens on its own. in my head i was thinking abt how i didnt think i would cry at this news, or actually thats wrong, of course i would. maybe it was just unexpected how easy & tender my body was to those words, & smth slow moving so far away, its aftermath, & the quietness of the ceremony i have never been a part of & always been a part of. i didnt know grandma well. i have a vague memory of being kind of mean and childish during the longest time we were together, around 2007 or 2008. and again, feeling so lost in 2018 seeing her and grandpa so old, feeling their days go by with difficulty. it always felt like the numbness of separation would shield me from tears like these. sociopath immigrant kids with no past, no access or interest in those things that hold us down. relieved thats not me. im not stupid enough to think that theres some sort of genealogical magic or fetish teaching that will set me free. its all here though, with nuance, in the moments that im living. that feels big, & free, & scary too. im thinking abt the clouds moving through the sky today. rly existential sometimes these days, sudden panic & the like, mostly thinking abt mom not being here someday. that hurts so bad. 

after the call we hugged, & i cried more, & mom talked about how those great people, the greats, wei da de ren, were by her side. & things about how those days when it was the six of them, mom, two uncles, grandma, grandpa, & great grandma, all living in one house, she always felt, even at the time, that those were the happiest days of her life. it means a lot for a small family to be under one roof. (& earlier on the call, it means a lot for a person to take care of themself. i felt sad, or almost a bit irritated when mom said that on the call, that its a lesson we should learn from grandma that its important to take care of ourselves, as if there is a moral to smth like this, or smth so simple to gain, & i know its bc she wanted to be someone who could say that to her kids in a moment like this, & she feels the same way as i do, & even more, abt the vastness of this moment.) when mom told dad on thursday he cried, & then said some stupid shit abt how they shouldnt have stayed. she didnt tell alice on the phone but she told me. when would dad ever offer a comforting word? he has been so shitty & annoying these past few days, bickering & teasing & doing things to make mom angry like any other time. we also talked abt some stupid stuff like how xiao yu ah yi made yuan xiao in jiu niang, some meat & some black sesame all together, with diced carrot & corn in the soup that mom & dad tried to eat for breakfast. we ended up leaving the house around 3 after eating some breakfast. 

mom drove to the golf course by waffle shop, & we got out of the car on that path that leads to the IST bridge. talked abt how golf is so dumb & we just wanted to walk on their field. went a little down the path until it met the road, & walked down the road for a bit. mom said she didnt want to retrace our steps so i said we could just take a circle and walk on the grass. there was still a lot of snow, around 4 inches where it was deep but the tops of the hills were bare. took some photos. mom smiled really natural & pretty, like i dont see her doing well when posing, & she thought so too. we ran a little bit, & stopped after we got to the top of a hill. i was looking at the sky, really blue & sunny & mostly filled with white clouds, blowing by. they were moving fast & steady, like that memory i have of feeling them go by. so wonderful. i felt the ground beneath my feet in that moment, like an animal standing on a hill, born from thos big breathing thing, moving as a small & big part of it, it moving as a vast part of me, above & below me. it means so much that these moments we spend together .  just that. we made our way back to the car & decided to go to home goods. we poked around & looked at stuff, & by the time we got to the furniture half of the store i felt kinda tired so we found an ottoman to sit on. & we were talking abt the texture of the fabrics on the chairs & stuff, & decided to just go to loves (where wolfs furniture went out of business, advertising a total liquidation sale recently) & look at sofas. im laying on it right now. we sat on everything downstairs, then sat on stuff upstairs. & we sat on the one before this & mom was like, this could be the one, & i said we shoould keep looking, & mom sat on this one, & mom said this is the one. & she called a sales associate over & he asked what her question was, & she said she didnt really have one. she wanted to buy this sofa. also, whats the final price? the tag said smth like 2000 as the discounted price, & the guy said 1400. & mom said we/ll take it, & we did. mom got shoe covers from amys mom for when the movers came, & we moved the old sofa out of the way into the guest room (dad took the door off & we tilted in every direction). then i played some genshin co-op with sherry in my room & we called & chatted abt stuff while the moving happened. it got quiet after moving & my phone ran out of battery & i went downstairs & we ate hot pot. new couch. life. i think im going to sleep here tonight. it smells like new couch, & i think i liked this smell on our old couch but it just smells kinda smelly to me now. feels like when we travel, or moved houses, or something like that. the feeling that life is changing a lot, or we are making changes, moving about, being changed, becoming changed.