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romancevsreality-blog · 7 years

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vanderpump rules, season five, episode nineteen: i hate it when jax is right

Welcome back!

You look gorgeous!

Jax shows up at Tom’s apartment for egg smoothie time, because of course Tom Sandoval is the kind of friend who will make you a beet smoothie with a raw egg in it when you come over. They talk about Tom Schwartz’s triplet brothers, who, two days before the wedding, are not coming. I know Katie1 claims she planned this wedding in eight weeks, but this is family. It’s not even edited to try to make any sense of it all. Jax and Sandoval are spending $1500 on tickets for Tom’s brothers to come as a surprise. It’s a nice surprise and all, but… shouldn’t Tom have allotted some of that $50k wedding money for flights and accommodations for his own family? Literally, the money Katie spent on ugly ass tea towel/cum rag wedding invitations should have been spent making sure Tom’s family was there. As if I needed more of a reason to hate Katie, this one feels the most valid.

Kristen, Brittany, Stassi, and Scheana all arrive at the alterations shop to try on their bridesmaids dresses, and I have zero opinions about them.

Y’all know that’s a straight up lie - however, I don’t think these are the worst bridesmaids dresses I’ve ever seen. They’re grey satin, with a halter neck that Brittany is busting out of, and a slit so high these girls definitely can’t wear underwear. The fabric looks cheap, and the lace-up silver heels don’t help matters much. I love the color, the pockets and the length, though and yes, Katie - it is hard to find a dress that’s suitable for eight different body types, but maybe next time don’t have so many fucking bridesmaids? Maybe?2

Alas, we get further clues into how Katie and Tom funded this wedding - a sponsored scene at a Dylan’s Candy Bar where Tom’s collecting candy for the favors! We’ve already seen this once, with Scheana and her wedding, so I hope Dylan Lauren is getting her moneys’ worth. Jax picks out candy corn, as if I didn’t hate Jax enough.

Let me talk to you about candy corn. Candy corn is the god damn fucking devil’s candy. It’s not even candy. I firmly believe Yankee Candle sells all their extra wax-bits to candy companies and they’re like “Oooh, we have stock for next year’s candy corns!!!” What the hell flavor are candy corn even supposed to have? Sugary death? You know who probably liked candy corn? John Wayne Gacy. That guy who kept his daughter in the basement for years and had children with her. Steve Bannon. There are a million other ways to get a sugar craving fixed other than eating candy corn. Go make out with Mrs. Butterworth, for god’s sake. Candy corn is the reason we have the president we do. Candy corn is the reason we cannot have good things. It tastes like asshole. No, candy corn. No.3

Jax redeems himself immediately by loving on sour belts. I love all sour candies. I know Tom Sandoval is all “sugar-free, blah blah blah” but there’s zero fat content in Sour Patch candies. My friend with a massive eating disorder in high school taught me that. Sure, it’s a ton of sugar and chemicals that probably aren’t great for you, but zero fat. I’d rather eat that than ever eat a sugar-free Lemonhead.

I have opinions about candy. They are controversial. Mostly that Snickers are overrated and Butterfingers don’t get the proper respect they deserve. When did this become a candy blog?

Stassi was having anxiety about not having a date to the wedding, but she’s not concerned anymore. She just wants to have fun with her friends, and weddings are also great places to meet eligible bachelors. And she’s right and all, but she’s also… going to the wedding of her two best friends? I doubt there is going to be anyone there that Stassi hasn’t met, and if she hasn’t met them… they’re probably someone’s date. She’s fooling herself. Anyway, Scheana’s still trying to pretend that her marriage is perfect and there is some editor just relishing every time they have footage of her saying things like, “Shay and I went to therapy ONCE, and we never needed to go again. We learned to communicate.” Yeah, like how he communicated that he was stealing all your money and disappearing, Scheana? Like that? The cameras cut to Stassi looking hilariously bewildered, just like the rest of America. In all seriousness, though, watching the giddiness and excitement they all have as the wedding gets closer just makes me even more angry. They are ALL, and especially Katie, excited for a wedding and not even a marriage. Even Tom Schwartz is like, “All we need to do is get up there and do the damn thing,” as if they’re going to play chess and not make a life-long4 commitment after you “do the damn thing”. He’s excited to get drunk with his friends in a suit, Katie’s excited to get drunk with her friends in a dress, and neither of them seem to be particularly excited about being legally bound to the other for the rest of time.5

We’re back at Sexy Unique Restaurant, where Katie and Scheana are talking to Jax, and we get another moment of Scheana Schadenfreude when she’s like, “yeah, our first year of marriage was shitty, but at least we got through it now instead of ten years down the line where there are kids around.” Clearly that didn’t work out. Scheana wants to go to a fertility doctor, though, becuase hopefully by the next year, she’ll be pregnant and have a house.

I AM CRYING LAUGHING. OH MY GOD. And I laughed even harder when Jax, who is so old that his mom went into a shallow hole in the ground covered in animal skin and his dad pushed on her belly to get him out like the polar Eskimos, was like, “I’m pretty sure Shay has to be in the same ROOM as Scheana to make a baby.” Sex Ed, with Jayson “Jax Taylor” Couchy.

There’s a completely unnecessary scene of Lisa Vanderpump riding a horse up to Sexy Unique Restaurant, lead to another scene of Lisa pretending she has any involvement with the regular day-to-day ongoings of the restaurant. She catches a glass of sangria headed to a table, and damn, if that isn’t a short pour. There isn’t even any fruit in there. Lisa claims that Sexy Unique Restaurant has “the best pours”, but this articleshows me that their most popular drink has exactly 2 oz of vodka, and according to my bartender brother, that’s a very generous pour. I’m genuinely shocked, considering Sexy Unique Restaurant is basically just a tourist trap in WeHo. Good for you, Lisa, giving your customers what they deserve. For the prices they charge, I BETTER be getting a fucking double. Jax admits he fucked up - but not after at least trying to blame someone else by asking if someone drank out of it, Classic Jax - and then decides that at work, in the middle of his shift, he’s going to tell Lisa about Scheana’s decision to freeze some eggs. This seems entirely appropriate. Jax just doesn’t think it’s a good idea because... where is Shay, anyway? No one’s seen him. He’s been cynical about their marriage since day one, and mostly just wants to make sure that Scheana has the support system she needs.

Does anyone else think Jax and Scheana banged on the DL? Anyone else? Or is this the way Jax treats women he hasn’t slept with - with kindness, consideration, and overall decency?

Lisa says what she should be saying every time one of these people comes to her to talk about someone else - “It’s not my business until she makes it my business,” and tells Jax to get back to work.

Stassi’s storyline this season is Single Sexy Stassi In The City, and so she decides that she needs to have a photoshoot as a “pick-me-up”. When I need a “pick-me-up”, I go on ASOS and spend my entire paycheck. Or I go to ABC Kitchen and yell “GIMME ALLLLL THE CRAB TOAST!” Or I take a four hour nap. I don’t have a photoshoot. She’s going to be wearing a polka-dot mesh bodysuit and two other outfits. It’s... not the most flattering look, but she rocks it in the best way possible.

Remember last week when I was like, “Where is Lala? Where is James?” As soon as James came back, I just felt like screaming. Just the sound of his accent is so grating to me. If I didn’t have to write this blog, I would just fast forward through it. So instead, I’m gonna get a beer so I can suffer through this. James may not drink anymore, but I have to drink in order to tolerate him.

Okay, I’m back, and I have my beer. James is meeting with his walking vocal fry of a girlfriend and her mother and her sister, who I could have sworn was Kelly Dodd from Real Housewives of Orange County. I hope someone gets called a cunt at this dinner, and the likelihood is even higher now. James tells us the difference between Raquel and Kristen - Raquel is a queen, Kristen is “like a hooker that you fuck on the hood of your BMW in a car park,” which in case you forgot - ACTUALLY HAPPENED BETWEEN KRISTEN AND JAMES. James, it’s not an insult if it actually happened and you didn’t pay her. Basically, James admits that he doesn’t have a job because he got fired for having a hair-trigger temper and couldn’t stop getting into fights and his job. Remember: he’s saying this to his girlfriend’s mother and sister. If my boyfriend admitted any of this to my family over dinner, my mom would look at me, and say, “Who is this unemployed white boy that can’t even hold down a bus boy job in their mid-twenties, Amanda, are you smoking crack? Get him outta here.” and I would do so promptly and then sit down and finish my pesto pasta6 while we listen to Luther Vandross.

James tries to smooth it over by being like, “I love your daughter, and I love you all too, you’re my family,” when her mom shows some (deserved) skepticism. He actually cries when they say they trust him (WHY) and he says that he sees a future with Raquel. I am cackling. Can you spend your life with a vocal fry? I mean, Kanye West did it, so why can’t the White Kanye West7?

Katie is wearing one of the worst outfits I have ever seen her wear - a lilac maxi dress over a navy t-shirt - and they’re getting ready to head up to the wedding venue. Another sign that the planning of this made no sense - they’re bringing the cake up with them, two days before the wedding even is set to take place. That cake is gonna be nasty by the time they cut into it. They’re spending $50k on a wedding but not... having... the cake delivered? Tom wears fucking flip-flops while carrying it down the steps and nearly falls, and I’m thinking, “YOU COULD HAVE PAID SOMEONE TO CARRY THIS FOR YOU.”

I am straight up being Jessica Fletcher with my investigation into the Strange Planning of This Wedding, and I am LIVING.

They’re bringing a pinata with them, and Stassi’s like, “Knowing Tom and Katie, that pinata is probably full of condoms, gummy bears, Ninja Turtle action figures... maybe some weed.” And I’m like, “Do we know this about Tom & Katie? Do we?” I’ve never known them to be that kind of fun couple, unfortunately. They’ve never shown us them as that kind of couple.

Back at Sexy Unique Restaurant, Jax is behind the bar, Brittany is asking about goat cheese balls8, and... LALA’S BAAAAAAACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She’s been gone for two months, and Ariana is shook and not particularly happy to see her. Lala’s got a lot to say to Ariana that she didn’t feel appropriate or okay with saying over text - mostly how sorry she is for not showing up to her birthday. She says that sometimes when things get tough, she shuts down. She admits she’s not the easiest person to be friends with because of it. She’s in actual tears when this happens. Lala came by to tell Lisa to her face that she’s not going to work at Sexy Unique Restaurant anymore - I mean, I doubt she still had a job, but it’s nice to... get closure, I guess?

Lisa’s pretending to work at a computer when Lala comes in, and Lisa, much like Ariana, is SHOOK. Lisa does the classic Lisa thing where she reminds people of how much she’s done for them, but also reminds her that yeah - if you have a job, that’s a responsibility you can’t just disappear from. One of my favorite quotes of all time is from Mindy Kaling - “Sometimes you just have to put on lip gloss and pretend to be psyched.” I’ve suffered from some form of depression since I was eleven years old. In the fourteen years since my first suicide attempt, I’ve learned to cope with it. Some days it’s literally impossible for me to get out of bed. Sometimes I’m on the verge of tears at work. But I also have this problem wherein which I care far too much about what others think of me, and live in chronic fear of disappointing anyone, so I show up. I come in, and I smile, and pretend like everything’s okay. Sometimes you have to do it, and it always sucks. Lala apologizes to Lisa, who basically is like, “thanks, but you weren’t totally honest about what was going on in your life.” Lala assumes she’s talking about her personal life, and admits that sometimes she makes the wrong decisions. She starts crying and admits what Lisa wanted her to - she suffers from anxiety, and that makes her life hard to deal with. I’m crying along with her. I get this so much.

I personally think it’s massively unfair that I can’t call out of work “depressed” or “anxious”. I’m mentally ill, I’m sick. But because no one can catch depression or anxiety, that’s not a valid excuse. The stigma around mental illness has made it so that it’s hard to even admit to other people that’s what’s going on. I wish I could tell my friends, “I’m sorry, I’m anxious today, I can’t hang out.” I mean, I could, but I fear the ramifications of me admitting that. It’s hard to admit to others when you’re less than okay. When I get overwhelmed, I shut down. I stop talking to people. I go on Do Not Disturb and I lay in my bed. This is my coping mechanism, and it’s not a great one. The cruelest thing is that Lisa seems to dismiss this as if it’s just “Oh, young, kooky Lala, at it again!” and not as the real issue that it is.

I hope Lala’s getting the help and support she needs. I really do.

In the car on the way up to the wedding venue, we find out that Tom Schwartz’s dad isn’t coming along with (so he thinks) his brothers. Meanwhile, Kristen and her overly-manicured boyfriend, Carter9 are packing their bags, when Kristen drops the accidental surprise bomb about Tom’s brothers after being told by Brittany early in the episode. Jax had gotten mad at Brittany for telling Kristen, but... Jax actually has a worse track record with keeping secrets than Kristen did. Kristen was prepared to take the secret that she fucked Jax to the grave.

Katie and Tom have arrived at their Woodsy Elegance Wedding venue, where someone carries the cake, and they’re given the shocking amount of their wedding. Another clue as to the fact that Bravo is probably paying for this - they would have to at least put down a final payment two WEEKS before the wedding, not two days before. The grand total for their wedding is $51,462 and change. Remember how Tom was like, “oh, wow, I’m dolphinately not spending $50k for a wedding”?? He didn’t, technically. And they’re paying by check, which is the EASIEST WAY TO TELL THEY’RE NOT PAYING FOR THIS WEDDING THEMSELVES.

Let’s also talk about the things that aren’t included in this:

Tom & The Groomspeople’s custom suits

Those ugly ass $18 tea towel invites

BOOZE

WEED

Cake

Various forms of entertainment

Bridal party gifts and favors

Flowers

Photography

This is an $85,000 wedding, at least.

Kristen and ugh, Carter10 show up, and Tom is lamenting writing a $20,000 check when that’s the same amount he owes on his student loans. Here he is, spending it all on a party. But here’s the thing, Tom - NO ONE IS STOPPING YOU. You’re entirely complicit in this. I know your parents went bankruptbut... you can totally just say, “Hey, why don’t we put this money towards me NOT being in debt?” They probably make $20,000 extra a year just doing stupid Instagram sponsorships. They can afford it. But this won’t come up again in a fight, no sir.

Speaking of Rachael O’Brien, she came with Stassi to the wedding! Apparently she and Stassi got lost driving up in the dark and were without cell phone service, but the camera in their car was still working, so they probably weren’t that scared. She’s surprised no one cares. If people cared, it would have been more than just a blip in the episode, Stass.

It’s the day before Katie and Tom’s wedding, and they’re all eating breakfast. Tom Sandoval did the most Tom Sandoval thing, which is losing his suit and that subsequently missing his flight because of it. God, I love you, Tom Sandoval. We hear that Tom’s dad isn’t coming to the wedding because he hates flying, his brothers can’t afford to come, and his sister can’t come because she’s working - in case you forgot, Tom and Katie got married on a Wednesday.11

We see everyone in else in LA getting ready - Jax is anxious because Tom’s brothers aren’t the most reliable of people, and Scheana and Shay are... tense. Oh my god. Shay is so clearly over this group, this show, and definitely over Scheana. But it’s also strange because.. She just asked him if he wanted anything to eat or drink up there at the house, because Kristen was asking, and he exploded. Huh. At Reno-Tahoe Airport, Lisa Vanderpump arrives with Ken, Giggy, and another fluff ball12 with Pandora and Jason. They’re staying at a resort, and Lisa is astonished by the... woodsyness of it all. She and Ken discuss whether or not Tom’s going to go through with it all. We know he does, but they’re valid in their arguments - Ken mentions that yeah, they’ve never seen Tom complete any task. Ever.

Back at the house, Jax, Brittany, and Ariana arrive, sans Sandoval13, and we learn that Sandoval got to the gate right as the doors were closing, so he missed his flight and will miss tubing that day. Meanwhile, Jax and Brittany are sleeping in the parlour room, and guess what?

The Schwartz Triplets missed their flight. Of course.

To Be Continued...

See you tomorrow!

Random Thoughts From The Desk Of Amanda:

Katie is the definition of “just because it’s trendy, doesn’t mean you should do it.”

I love that they made zero reference to the fact that we’ve seen them at Dylan’s Candy Bar Before - with Scheana.

Has no one told Tom Sandoval that sugar-free candy gives you the shits? Someone send him a bag of Haribo Sugar-Free Gummy Bears.

I never thought it possible that there could be someone less motivated that Tom Schwartz, but... his brothers seem to be a mess.

And by Katie, I mean BRAVO PRODUCTION because none of the planning of this wedding is making any sense. ↩︎

This whole wedding has been an exercise in Katie showing off how Pretty and Popular she is. Most people don’t use their weddings to show off to their high school bullies, but then again, most people aren’t on reality television. ↩︎

Next time on Romance vs. Reality, AMANDA GOES IN ON PEEPS. FUCK YOU, PEEPS. WHAT DID BIRDS DO TO DESERVE THIS TREATMENT? ↩︎

Or in their case, twenty-six-month-long - I’m giving them a strong estimate, knowing they probably won’t last that long. ↩︎

God bless the people I associate with, because I don’t think any of them would get married just for a party. It helps not to romanticize things like that. ↩︎

Is it basil season yet? I would die for some of my mother’s pasta. ↩︎

I have refused to call James this on my blog because he calls himself that, but... I really couldn’t help myself. ↩︎

I have a high standard of cheese that has been deep fried - I will fight anyone over the last Three Cheese Ball from Olga’s Kitchen, a metro Detroit classic - but I weirdly doubt the goat cheese balls at Sexy Unique Restaurant are anything special. Now I want Olga’s, though. God damn it. ↩︎

Carter has literally done nothing this season but I fucking HATE him. I love a put-together dude, I am so pro-metrosexuality or really, men putting effort into their looks - hell I adore Tom Sandoval for doing so - but god, I really feel like Carter spends hours on his face. I bet Kristen is always on top when they have sex because Carter spent all his energy shaving. I hate Carter and his white supremacist haircut. ↩︎

Next season, I hope Carter goes with Rachael O’Brien and Vail Bloom into the Vanderpump Dungeon of Doom. ↩︎

Straight up though - why aren’t these people in the bridal party, either? In either of my brothers’ hypothetical weddings (that will never happen but still) if their respective partners don’t put me in their wedding parties... I mean. That’s lifetime beef. That’s forever beef. I would never say that directly to them, but... some things you never forget. ↩︎

Sometimes I’m worried about the lack of agency Lisa Vanderpump’s dogs seem to have. ↩︎

Sansdoval. ↩︎

#vanderpump rules #reality tv #tv recaps #this recap is so late #ONE DAY I'LL GET ONE #let's call it an amuse bouche

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