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almasidaliano · 4 years

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because idk.. i just- i wanna know how to recover from the way he broke me. everything starts there. that’s the root. and i say yanno, it is what it is- and rationalize him and i talk and still i feel this hole this emptiness this longing. always disappointing myself, believing in him. hating myself for doing so when he never believed in me. and he’s here, i guess now.. and it’s better than nothing- or its supposed to be. but they feel the same. so nothings changed. he’s indifferent to whether i stay. he only cares when we’re dead and grief sets in. but pride consumes the grief- hes resistant to growth.

and i keep trying to prove myself.

why am i always having to prove myself? because i came from him & he was supposed to believe in me.

but he didn’t.

and i had moms yanno? but moms resented (still lowkey resents) my brother and i because he left. he was there w my brother tho. we reminded her of the pain it brought her. my mom did it alone but the price of that was her presence. she was always away. like now, i miss my mom. it’s mother days soon and i just wanted to see them. plans have now changed bc of a job, great money tho. i’ll see her for like 30 seconds. and then poof gone again. but it’s for us yanno? so i should be more understanding right? except i feel like i’m 7 again. and 8. and 9. and 10 through fucking 16. and she dryly supported me. tainted my visions with her preferences. everything was for her. and she was the parent who kind of stayed so anything for her. be expendable, dependable, accessible, always. i can please people so well because since birth i’ve been trying to get someone to give my existence approval. worth. and yes it comes from me- but when trying to get there this is the track i follow. so i don’t get far..

i choked down depression and anxiety and trauma- i beat myself just to knock out the demons and i tried to be everything, tried to do everything. (sound like me? lol) the problem? to do that i couldn’t be me. and the more i compromised me the worst i felt. and then i try to be me and i’m liked- but not understood.

i’ve never really been understood.

hell, i’ve never really understood myself. which makes it even harder to express and try to explain to others. but its like i came from you? how could you look at me so blankly, so foreignly? because all i’ve ever wanted was a family. i wanted family dinner and vacations. family homes. i wanted to grow up with some people for decades. i wanted to see my people in the stands cheering for me. i wanted to be held by arms other than my own when i cried at night. someone to discipline me, and guide me not teach me self sufficiency and preservation and then weigh me down w tasks. my mom throws things in faces. she refused to be a statistic . teen mom in new orleans? life’s over - she was gonna be different prove em wrong. and she did. she doing it. however, everything had to seem a way. still, that’s how my mother operates. she specializes in masks. so as her offspring- gotta make her look good support the image and shit. my plan/ dreams/ inspirations - she don’t like how it fit in the picture. so she tries to manipulate and i peep and concede . until i didn’t. and i was belittled chastised and discouraged. discouraged to be me. because no one wants someone like that- because no ones gonna stay or put up with that. because i’m broken and need to be fixed. and i just - i cant understand it.

what about me, makes people opt out of fighting? or trying ? or staying? am i just not something worth fighting for?

my insecurity starts there.

it’s like what did they see in me? or what didn’t they?

she named me diamond- because of the twinkle in my eye. i was so aware- didn’t even cry. super developed smart. quick learner. cute kid people liked me. intelligent athletic hardworking fast learner - stuco- early grad - all the scholarships i obtained - speaking for a donor gala - my literary works. i was president of organizations - great teen of america - gave a sermon - i just wanted to be seen. to finally be worth a moments notice. to finally be intriguing enough to explore and nurture. everybody always say oh you always been independent you self sufficient and i still don’t understand how that equaled, stand alone. i have empathic gifts. literary gifts. my mind is an outlandish tool. she named me after a commodity. something precious and overly valued, something cherished . key word ? THING not a title of a person- but i am a thing. still a commodity indeed. however undervalued abused neglected and disregarded. the irony. it’s like, my mom believes she royalty and i won’t knock it- but that would make me a princess or heiress to a throne type shit. but i’m cinderella and tiana and jasmin and ariel and belle and all of them yanno. except there was/is no magic here- so i wasn’t whisked away- proofed the answer- granted a solution or guide- i didn’t get the every lasting hope sprinkled on my storybook.

so i’m here now.. a princess. who may never become a queen.

however, it’s deeper than that. the reason i can’t believe you love me, or you’ll stay- is because they didn’t. and i’m still fighting for their approval or acceptance . while simultaneously tryna get them to give that to ME .

i just — i see your family right? everyone around me has family. has support has love. a mother’s love. a fathers protection. my little sisters all daddy’s girls.

and then there’s me..

the prototype.

i just think- fathers walk brides down the aisle. for me, i could never fantasize it. it was supposed to be my big brother. all i had, for light? was my siblings. and i have 9 . but i mean denzel and trinity. i was never going to be alone. as long as i had them. and i just knew i always would. i’m dumb close w my other brother ty now and that’s a blessing because he and trin are my hope. my other siblings i love, however i fear i cannot guide and or save. and there’s distance yanno? charley and i click HARD but he won’t talk to me.. no one talks to me..

but losing my brother just yelled - you know nothing. you’re not safe. no one will stay. no one can stay. and i can’t help but feel like its hopeless now. because trinity has always conceded with my mother for easier interaction and denzel and i, were individuals he and i could touch base more. we grew up together saw it all. so like now- trinity has a shifted opinion leaning to back my mom. so i now have that disconnect with her. so sometimes i don’t feel safe in her. my brother ty is a sociopath. who most sincerely doesn’t or rarely and even then very minimally, expresses emotions . he thinks logically and moves in ways to benefit him. he is amazing- he just doesn’t always (most always) have the capability of comforting or offering advice on most common things.

so it’s me. the next up- meant to lead and guide and protect. - except i’m a mess. and no one believes in me anyway.

thanks for listening.

-daliano

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