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chekhovs-harpoon · 3 years

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tct ep 13 thoughts

im only like barely halfway through this episode but i /need/ to get this salt out of my system before i can continue

this episode is just,,,, incredibly difficult to listen to

firstly, why is everyone so fucking mean to adam and caitlin,, sadie and oliver especially it’s really quite annoying

like,, firstly y’all are guests is that how you treat your hosts,,, not just being mean to them, but also fucking up their toaster and burning their bread, mga hayop ang bastos tangina

i get that it’s normal to like, be a dick to your close friend’s ex, but like, you don’t get to tell people what they can and cannot get angry about. it’s also especially hypocritical to say ‘i can get angry and at you and him but you can’t’

people keep talking over and minimizing adam’s and caitlin’s feelings and i hate it

also it makes me pissed off how caleb isn’t standing up for adam,,, or at the very least telling sadie to stop being such a dick cuz it’s not helping anybody,,, im just,,, more resolute in rooting for adam and caleb to stay apart

also like,,, cut caitlin a bit of slack, this is all new to her and she /doesn’t/ have to be here,,, i mean specifically, she has an exam in 10 minutes and it’s not like she can contribute much to the ancient alchemy cult conspiracy plot so like,, why are y’all making it seem like she’s a bad friend for prioritizing her acads at this moment

like,,, she could be on scholarship, she could be poor and she /needs/ to keep her grades high otherwise she won’t be able to afford to go here

(not that anything in this show has indicated that so far, but i just project a lot onto her and she deserves so much fucking better than this)

and secondly,,, it’s immensely frustrating how they keep pointing out and lampshading all the massive glaring plotholes without actually addressing them

i mean like,, okay so it’s established that this conspiracy is dangerous and serious,,, why aren’t they contacting the am??? a bunch of college students, a washed up shitty alchemist, and a photographer probably can’t do much

and don’t tell me that the am can’t be trusted because 1) joan’s the director there and alice goes there every week for group therapy and caleb literally fucking worked for them just a couple of months ago,,, and don’t tell me that the am doesn’t know how to deal with this sort of thing when a couple of years ago they had the means to spy on and kidnap atypicals. and 2) y’all were literally there just a couple of episodes ago to get oliver’s notes which joan probably wouldn’t have handed to y’all if y’all didn’t explain to her what was up. why isn’t she doing anything??? she already knows that somebody’s been kidnapped, and that adam and caleb disappeared for days cuz of the time fucking book

i feel like,, the writers know that the bullshit book conspiracy plot could be solved by other more equipped people,, literally all it takes is one phone call to wadsworth telling her about an ancient atypical cult conspiracy and they kidnap people and also her beloved nephew is right in the middle of it,,, she literally would just send a fuckign swat team to yale to take care of that she’s that bitch and i miss her

also there’s an interesting story there, like joan says wadsworth been doing better in regards to not treating atypicals like they don’t deserve rights,,, but then here’s a bunch of dangerous atypicals in a cult that your beloved nephew is getting tangled up with,,, DO SOMETHING

and the writing is just forcing this conspiracy into adam and caleb’s story cuz they don’t think a story of ppl just talking about their feelings and figuring out how to person is enough,,, which is /frustrating/ cuz that’s what appealed so much about the original series

also they keep pointing out that yale is at the center of the conspiracy,,, and that it was dumb of caleb to get them to stay there,,, why are y’all still here then. and i maintain the fact they really should’ve contacted the am and just got ben to stay there if they were really worried about their safety

i feel like,, mark just had really minimal lines in this, and people keep talking over him,,, just LET HIM SPEAK jesus,,, oliver is just, so awful for him and not even in a fun juicy way like damien was,, i just, it’s so frustrating hearing him having to deal with another selfish arrogant bastard,,, give this man a break is that too much to ask

and it’s honestly,,, Not Fun seeing how frankie keeps flirting with caitlin when she’s very clearly not into it, on top of being stressed about all the atypical nonsense

#podcast blogging #liveblog #i get salty again so be warned #lol this was just supposed to be a short post but i didn't quite realize i had that much salt in me #tct #tbs

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amethystblack · 7 years

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I've got a question, I messaged you quite awhile ago telling you that you were an inspiration to me as a closeted trans girl. I was curious as to how you started on your journey for all of it, it seems quite overwhelming at first. You don't have to answer this publicly if you don't want to ^.^

well, I don't mind... of course there's always that veil of anxiety in talking about this kind of thing, but i don't really believe in keeping quiet about that kind of thing, especially if it could help someone else.

so... how i started on a journey. well, i wonder...

to tell the truth, i wasn't really responsible about it at first. i was already in university by the time i realized this was something i needed to do. i'd done enough research to understand that it's hard to reverse many effects of T-- so i felt like the younger i started the better. i was always getting older, and therefore i felt like, i was always getting worse (as in, more masculine). the pressure was on. i had been very lucky to be able to pass, in terms of both appearance and voice, even before treatment, but i was worried the longer i waited the more of that i would lose (and i think i wasn't wrong. the last year before i started felt... especially harsh).

of course to start hrt you gotta get approved by a therapist, and gosh, that can take forever, you know? if it happened at all. the process was certainly daunting, and i'm historically not the best at talking about myself anyway. plus money... i really wasn't keen on the matter. i didn't think i had that kind of time. so, i was referred to a certain website of questionable legality where i could order hormones for myself. rather impulsively, i went for it.

i didn't want to tell my parents. i didn't want to tell my family. i didnt think they'd understand. if it meant being happier with myself, i'd resolved to just cut them off entirely anyway. i'd find a place to move out to, i thought, by the time that effects started showing. i'd make it work. this was naive.

and in the first place, it never had a chance because my mom actually intercepted the package i ordered when it arrived-- apparently a box from new zealand is out the ordinary??? nonsense. anyway i was super evasive about it and made up some lie to cover it and she made me send it back and i was a Sad. in retrospect, this was probably a good thing. the friend who had referred me to that site got in some trouble for it later on and wasn't able to transition fully... i sincerely think that that is a major component of why she chose to take her own life.

my girlfriend at the time was pretty critical in the matter. i had actually told her some time in the past-- which lead to her breaking up with me. eventually we got back together and she was an irreplacable support for me. especially as i was first transitioning, she lent me a lot of clothes and helped me shop for other ones, which was huge for the sake of getting me started.

eventually i had to accept the fact that i'd have to at least tell my mom if i wanted things to work out. she had always told me she'd support me if i was gay-- but this was a bit different. i didnt think she'd be ready for it. i wasn't wrong. when i finally came out to her i was able to in no small part because my girlfriend was there with me. my mother didn't really take it well at first. she started crying-- and saying some less than helpful things. but it became clear that she was mostly concerned for my safety above all else... in the weeks following she did some reading on the matter and came around to it fairly well. i was surprised.

my girlfriend and i eventually broke up. the bottom line was i was way too uncomfortable with myself to continue being intimate, and that didn't work for her. it was a nasty break, but the harsh end encouraged me to just go full time. i'd seen that i wasn't going to be happy with myself otherwise. but i had a year and so of classes in uni left, and i was -all- kinds of nervous about it. the advantage that i had was that for the past 2-3 years, i had talked to barely anyone on campus at all. i had been really uncomfortable with myself, so i just avoided everyone... meaning nobody knew me. i wouldn't have to worry about being recognized at all.

... except for by those from my on-campus job. although i knew my employers were the type who would have supported me, our clients were the type who absolutely would not have-- so i made the choice to withdraw. i found a job at a tea shoppe in my neighborhood instead. it was family owned and i made sure the owner supported me beforehand. i often felt out of place there-- but it may have just been the dysphoria (and my boss, despite being supportive, was a very Intense person which totally didnt help at all)... nevertheless, it got me through.

thanks to that, i was able to afford therapy. i found therapists known specifically for gender therapy just so i could get the letter to a physician to approve HRT. i picked the closest one and started meeting with her ASAP. i was really more interested in the letter than actual treatment there, but even so for the most part, i found that i just needed to answer honestly and it worked out fine. the therapist had some key points to ensure before approving me-- first, that i had experience living full time. check. second, that i could come out to my family-- not so check.

she and my mom eventually convinced me to come out to my grandmother, and my father. i felt the rest of the family would be fairly "sure, whatever" about it, but those were the two i was most worried about. i came out to them both by email. my grandmother is a classic right wing christian-born trump-supporting ol' gal, and she is also very particular about how she prefers people and matters of the family to be. ...but defying all expectation, she accepted it without any hesitation, and expressed some amount of disappointment that I didn't feel like I could trust or rely on her for that kind of thing in the first place. So okay, point taken. To this day she still struggles with remembering to use the correct pronouns, but we have kind of a running joke with it... at one point she messed up and she was just like "oh! shucks, just call me Harold." misgender for misgender i guess. still awkward when it's in public-- but kind of funny, and i know she means well.

then there was my father. his initial response to my email was basically a brief paragraph refuting the reasons i'd justified being trans with, and telling me why, in psychological terms, they probably were not actually the case. but frankly that was about what i expected. he and i have been rather distant, and he was not the most accepting or open kind of person in the first place. later that summer we met for the usually one time per year we typically get to see each other. he asked me what i wanted for my birthday. i told him that the only thing i wanted was for him accept me for who i was. he got me a 3DS instead.

but he eventually quietly came around though, i think. to tell the truth intimate discussions are not something we really have so it's hard for me to know his true feelings-- but at the least he goes along with it.

then there were just classes. i hadn't changed my legal name yet so i was still on the roster with some wrong information. so on the first day of class, i pulled each teacher aside and explained my situation to them. the campus policies were in my favor, so they had to oblige when i asked them to refer to me appropriately. fortunately they all seemed very understanding about the matter. i'm lucky to live in a city like this after all. i was able to reach out to other students a little more that year. at the least, i had a few people i could have considered friends, even if i never saw them out of class. but avoidant habits are hard to break. in the end, i graduated without making any lasting connections from university. i would chose not to walk at my graduation ceremony, for the obvious reason.

at some point during that school year my therapist finally approved me to transition. god bless. after reviweing the options i decided to get my hormones from planned parenthood. did you know planned parenthood offers transitioning hormones??? i sure didn't. anyway pls no defunderino thx.

and then i found something out-- i was under the impression that, of course, i wouldn't be able to have biological kids after surgery, but i had not known that HRT would rule that out as well. i wasn't really sure if i wanted to-- and even now i'm ambivalent. but i figured i should leave the door open for it. so despite being approved, i paused everything and took some time and a lot of money dear god what, to store cells for the future in case i ever do decide i want kids. that ended up taking frankly way too long. when it was over with i jumped back on that HRTrain ASAP.

the process of changing names was... tedious, and drawn out, but ultimately unremarkable. there were various forms to fill out and turn in and state regulations, fees, gotta visit this office except jk that's the wrong one try this one except jk that's the wrong one too try this one except jk does this office even actually exist???? and eventually i had to stand in front of a judge and hope he approved it. he took one look at the forms and approved it without even announcing the reason (as i saw him do for other people there) so that was really considerate of him. i was ready with like a full essay in defense, but in the end it was totally okay.

as for the HRT... i mentioned before i felt like i was always getting worse, you know, right? of course due to the nature of hormones, after i started taking them it would be a couple weeks before they kicked in... but it was an immediate improvement for me. from the first night, it completely turned around. everything was getting worse-- no. from then on, it was always going to get better.

oh... and there was one more place i forgot i had to come out to... reborn. people online always "mistook" me for a girl anyway, and that was always a huge compliment to me. so i think a lot of people weren't really surprised. the most awkward thing was actually... my in-game character. the game was already four episodes in or so and i had just used my generic custom trainer sprite from the site generator before for the intro... haha, it's a little silly, but for a long time i had just been editing it a little bit by bit to make it more feminine. it was a little too long before i actually completely replaced it.

...anyway, that was the start of things. beyond long-winded, but hopefully some of it can help somehow. honestly before and after transitioning is really like night and day, so hang in there. i promise it'll be worth it, and you'll surprise yourself in ways you'd never expect.

#here internet why dont you just have my entire life story while we're at it #the-astral-clocktower #ask ame

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