yknow what i 210% respect. People who respect your physical boundaries and dont try to hug you as a greeting/goodbye (especially coming from a v touchy feely culture). Good stuff

http://everydayfeminism.com/2017/01/not-all-men-just-enough-of-them/

(Excellent meme is a repost from @highandfemme on insta) Today is about them ones where you find out the guy you’re seeing is a secret misogynist, and also those upsetting daily discussions with un-woke (asleep? idk?) generally heterosexual men about feminism. The worst is when they think they are an ally but don’t want to listen to anything you, as a woman, have to say about inequality (because they know it all, they’ve read ‘We can all be feminists’ so god can you get off their back and remember that they only like feminism when they’re mansplaining it you). This post is about the fact that the majority of men don’t want to get to grips with even the basics of feminism, especially when they’re called out on it and especially in the presence of other men. This is not exclusive to dating at all but also includes friendships, employers, even strangers who cat call or make sexist comments. The following are some examples of this happening in my own life and in general and how I try to discuss issues with people who either don’t care or get defensive. Example 1: The rhetoric that insecurity is sexier than confidence. Let’s talk about fragile masculinity and empowered women, I’m going to use the example of One Direction. Their song ‘You don’t know you’re beautiful’ PERFECTLY sums up the attitude of many males and how they ideally want women to think about themselves. For those who’ve never heard it (you obviously move in cooler circles than me), the lyrics in the chorus are ‘You don’t know you’re beautiful/that’s what makes you beautiful’. Oooh yeah those cis het white boys love a girl who’s insecure (this is also true of like, all 1D songs that I obviously only listen to in the name of feminist research and not because I secretly enjoy them). But who can blame them?! We all know a woman being confident in themselves is a threat to them and that’s so unfair. Insecurity is SO endearing, didn’t you know?!? Remember to always reject compliments and pretend you hate yourself in order to get a boyfriend. It’s so cute. (I rly hope you sense the sarcasm here). These lyrics represent a wider culture of women being made to feel subordinate and afraid to be confident and powerful in comparison to their (male) partner. And it’s one that we need to address.  I want to be clear that if you’re a woman who is empowered by modesty that is obviously completely valid. Don’t interpret this as me asking you to change yourself in the name of feminism – absolutely not. You do you, in the way that you want to. Although I would consider myself confident, I have many insecurities. Some days I look in the mirror and I’m like GET IT GURL you look so good. And sometimes I wonder why I have the body and sexual magnetism of a potato. Insecurities are unavoidable. We are literally brainwashed to feel insecure and it is the way that corporations and society in general keeps us consuming and living in a culture of fear (goin off on a tangent here wooops). Sharing insecurities, especially with a partner, can be empowering and liberating and useful. But don’t let men (or anyone for that matter) fetishize yours to validate their masculinity. I see this happening A LOT. It’s boring, it reinforces outdated notions of gender (the damsel in distress, the female saved by the man) and it sucks. Example 2: A man on my facebook shared a meme a while ago of a girl in a short skirt that said ‘Those who show a lot have little to offer’. To him I say: Trust me mate I can get my tits out and still be an intelligent, kind AND fierce woman because my qualities are limitless and will not be defined by your archaic standards of femininity. I can be opinionated, express my sexuality, be nice, empathetic and whatever else I choose all at once. And I am not sorry if you’re threatened by my confidence because that is your issue to work on. What is this this whole thing on female sexuality equating to lack of worth? It is horrendous. It is why there is so much victim blaming, gaslighting and why everyday men walk free from horrific sexual assaults. It is disgusting. I urge you not to share content like that without thinking about the toxic culture it is part of. Or just don’t share shit like that at all cos it’s fucking stupid and everyone hates it. Example 3: I had a conversation about the body positivity movement on Instagram a while back, which is not exclusively a female thing but it was in the context of women of all sizes posting photographs of their bodies with a hashtag about loving their bodies as they are. In this conversation a man said he thought it was great BUT sometimes it’s just attention seeking. Sometimes we don’t want to see your body. So, everyone, body positivity is great but only when it’s policed by a man. Remember that. Also it’s fine if the photo is taken of you, or by a man or for a man, because that is not a statement about loving yourself. Nudity is fine as long as you’re not owning it, as long as you don’t use your body as a declaration of your comfort in your own sexuality and in feeling powerful and beautiful. I classically can never think of the right thing to say at the right time, and I wish I had asked him this - what is so wrong with wanting attention? Is it not something that is human to crave to a greater or lesser extent? Don’t we all want recognition and validation of our beliefs and our messages and to share our happiness and successes? If you think there is something inherently wrong with someone standing up for what they believe in with confidence (unless it is clearly harmful or offensive to others) then I would say that that is a view that you should take a long, hard look at. Also if you’re reading this and feeling attacked: it is probably because you hold these beliefs somewhere inside. You might even like to think you don’t but if you find yourself feeling defensive I can almost guarantee it’s because you do or have done these things at some point. So rather than sit about feeling annoyed, listen to people around you who have things to say on situations you will never go through, rather than make your own (ill informed) judgements. Apologize when you offend whether you were meaning to or not. It’s so simple. All it takes is respect and the ability to look outside your own privilege. Every time I point out these things I can practically hear the man hater alarms going off and the cries of ‘not all men!!!1!!’ and if that’s you then do yourself a favour and read this: http://everydayfeminism.com/2016/10/yes-actually-it-is-all-men/ and this http://everydayfeminism.com/2017/01/not-all-men-just-enough-of-them/.  There’s a constant circular narrative that plays in my head when I’m trying to decide if it’s worth the stress of pointing out that what someone has just said is offensive and whether they will take the time to listen or I’m wasting my breath. I’m sure many, many people feel the same about many issues and this is in no way exclusive to feminism. You desperately want to be heard but is it worth the emotional labour if it goes nowhere? I developed a go-to strategy for this and it is: always call them out. State what is wrong with what they’ve said or the ways they could improve their understanding on an issue that they don’t fully understand or doesn’t affect them. Be as assertive or as calm as you like, it’s your choice and no one can police the way you feel about the issue. Once you’ve made it known, the ball is in their court. You have attempted to spread that knowledge, asked them to think about it and that’s all you can do. It is a judge of their character what they then choose to do (i.e. ignore you, argue with you, or the worst, agree with you but ‘play devil’s advocate’). If they apologise, thank you or acknowledge what you’ve said then cool. I can only speak for myself and my experiences but I generally accept that. The one thing I won’t do is go in circles with people who claim ignorance again and again when they offend. We were all ignorant once and the choice to educate yourself is yours.