#how to get a brain tumor
Text
x
#so things are rough again#my grandma had a seizure and they found a tumor on the left side of her brain#all 12 of my aunts and uncles (including my mom) are flying to where she is bc they’re fearing the worst#my mom is fully dependent on me so I have to put whatever savings I had on getting a ticket and basically take care of any expenses#also don’t know how long she’s going to be there for but she#this is just costing me…. so much money#I have to think of something quick
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
it just is so inconvenient for my medical anxiety that i do have health issues
#yeah i may not be having a stroke or a heart attack or bleeding or have a brain tumor or a clot when i feel i am/do#but my life with nearly daily numbness and head aches is still real#LUCKILY my face and lips havent gone numb for at least a week bc that is actually unbearable#anyway anymore doctors/nurses wanna tell me the fact that i get migraines is the explanation? id love to hear it#it really gives me guidance on how to cope!
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
telling my loved ones about major life updates using the frog announcement meme will never go out of style
#in other news i have to get an mri in two weeks#any good vibes are appreciated 🙏#it will more than likely show that i’m fine but you know how the brain fixates on worst case scenarios lol#especially when that worst case scenario is a brain tumor 😜
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
hate being lucid & then realizing when i wasnt lucid god
#idk if thats even the correct term#i mean like. there are minutes/hours/days where i walk thru life fully spinning out#nothing’s real/my body is dying/my time alive is about to end/i can hear them laughing/i see & smell things no one else does#im not meant to exist in society/they can smell the rot on me/i must’ve spoken out loud without realizing it/they can hear my thoughts#they perceive me in ways that arent true/there’s a reason for this isolation/this looks like a film set/this trinket is a sign#my blood is too thick/my brain has holes in it/i must have a brain tumor/my liver must be shutting down#its just . all of the above & more on rotation . feeling constantly on eggshells . and then something will either snap me out or#i will gradually get tethered again to lucidity. aka recognizing how crazy it must be#but i still feel like my timeline is coming to a close. i still feel like an outsider . i dont know how to connect#i zone out and see visions of a life. scenes & yearnings . i zone out and i dont know how long i zone out for. seconds or minutes
1 note
·
View note
Text
:^)
#here it is the day of my brain tumor surgery is tomorrow… and i’m absolutely shitting myself!#all i keep thinking is how i do not want to go and how i do not want this to happen but can’t hide away under my blankie from this lads#in case anyone is reading this#if something goes wrong and i end up deaded or whatever. when u outside and see grass think about me and how i never touched that#anyway time for me to get finally shutted up for a bit. wish me luck or rather steady hands for my surgeon. sweats#babblin
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
When is life supposed to get better again? When does it get easy? When will I wake up without everything worrying me...and when will I snap back into reality and feel light again. Without any fear, with the ability to know I'm secure and loved. To have my health no longer be failing me and to not care what others think.
Idk I'm just a miserable bitch and life will always be as horrible as it ever has been,
But God am I trying so hard for it to not be
I just wish I had a break so I can be...light. just for once.
#summer shut up#if it werent for my son life is just a neverending nightmare and im so surprised i havent killed myself yet#when will i be loved? so truly and purely. i want something soft and sweet with butterflies#the kind of love that makes you blush by yourself. the kind of love where you look at the person and want to shut down because everything#everything hits you. i want something so soft sweet and pure. someone to open doors for me. write me poetry. take pictures when i dont ask#i want to be able to talk about anything without fear i want it to be mutual just so head over heels for one another#i just want the pinnacle of romance and love it makes me want to throw up and then i want that to be the model for how my son treats his#his future partners. makes me want to throw up that i have to go through it all essentially alone#i just want to be understood and not pacified by my partners too god thats just romance#i want my health to get better im tired of being sick im tired of dying im TIRED.#like get this tumor out of my fuckin head already yeah i renoved 2 already but the one underneath my brain is cramping my fucking style#i feel like im going to die soon and i dream about it so vividly and its just so bitter sweet#anyways i dont have anywhere else to vent and im crying myself to sleep bc im overwhelmed with how bad life truly is#just when will it get easier? i just want to run away from all of it. my health#i need a job im supporting an almost 1 yr old by myself im not doing okay#when does it get easier!!!!!!!i want to scream#i know im stupid just disregard this im melting down
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
was doing well until i put in cold ear drops (forgot to warm the bottle in my hands) and then got dizzy enough for the room to spin a little
and now i feel like shit & im nauseous and anxiety ridden
hate having a shit body that can't just be like. normal and chill and is just constantly producing cortisol instead
#whiny baby post#and the thing is i KNOW it's the cold ear drops that made me dizzy#but now it's like oh fuck what if i have a brain tumor actually#can't wait to get a 2 month vacation to just learn how to relax#but ofc that's gotta wait until my dad finally dies lolol#love giving up my entire life & well being for this bullshit
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
hypochondria coming back and reaching the point where I don’t even have to have symptoms. I’m just sitting there absolutely fine and suddenly it’s “….I bet I have a brain tumor”
#hypochondria#brain tumor tw#I need to STOP#I know I sound stupid and ridiculous#but this is genuinely how my brain works#I go into a deep panic randomly at night about fucking aneurisms#like ‘what if I just drop dead right NOW!’ and this repeats over and over#and have to mindlessly scroll TikTok until I get so tired I just pass out#genuinely I need professional help.#I get health insurance in November#I’ll find someone
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#new ability unlocked....✨health anxiety✨#I'm tired man I'm so fucking tired of panicking all the time because I feel like I'm going to pass out ot throw up#or constantly googling health symptoms what makes me feel thousands times worse and definitely doesn't calm me down#one day I'm sure I'm getting a heart attack on next day I have a brain tumor then epilepsy then I go for aneurysm...#fucking funniest thing is that it's been going on for two months and absolutely nothing happened to me#i just have constant headache nausea and pain in my stomach but I haven't passed out or threw up or anything#fuck I just want back my normal life when I'm not in constant worry#i feel like im 24/7 in a high alert panic mode so I can't comprehend anything calmly...#i feel like an animal that's constantly just running away from something#I'm scared too see a doctor because I don't even know how to explain my problems...they will think I'm completely insane...#I can't remember last time I ate something without feeling anxious and being in pain afterwards#and the worst thing is that I developed even ubhealier relationship with food by counting calories :))))#so even though I eat nothing I need to push myself into an intense workout because my brain tells me I need to burn everything#i didn't know ai could be even more messed up than I was before#but hey I lost a ton of weight and I am in the best shape I've ever been... it's all I ever wanted and it cost me only my sanity :)))))#i don't even have clothes to fit in anymore because everything literally falls down from me...#currently I'm convinced I'm going to pass out and die any second but I know I'll be alright I can't just die out of nowhere...#I'm healthy and everything will be okay...I survived so much and it will get only better#if you read this rant I typed out while hyperventilating congratulations you get a free cookie and a warm tea I'll be making#guys but seriously...do you know how to tackle this? or the only logical way is to see a doctor?#because I don't know how long can I go on like this considering from September my job should get even more stressful...#now my stress level is high like never before... just thinking about September is giving me a panic attack#aaaaand those are the things I shouldn't think about because the only thing stressing me out the most is my fucking self :)#that's the damn problem like the thing that's making me most stressed is the stress 🙃#I feel nauseous because I'm stressed and I'm stressed because I'm nauseous...makes sense#i think I'm loosing my mind...and it fucking sucks that I do this to myself for no reason at all#i have a nice relaxing day and then in the evening I decide to think about all the bad stuff and kill it all#another scary thing is living on your own without any close friends in your life and with your family hours away...it won't let me sleep#if anything happens I'm alone...if I pass out right now I need to take care about myself#i often think how long would it take to find my dead body here...and then I shake and cry because I don't want to die
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
...
#i was looking through old photos today. they where from wjen i was like 1 and it made me so sad#bc my mum would have been like only a year or 2 older then i am now and she looked so young#and now she has an abdomen full of tumors and blistered hands and feet. theyre prob gonna hsve to remove her bladder#but shes still very pragmatic abt it. but she grew up in a house where no one really cared about her feelings so she made them small#and now her mother calls and doesn't ask how her grandkids are doing and doesn't ask how her daughter is doing. im cursed with terrible#grandparents on both sides but i resent my mothers mother worse. though my dad said i probably wouldnt have survived his upbringing#and hes right. my nana has like zero empathy and cant cook for shit. idk how my parents r so normal but the fact i had a good upbringing is#probably the only reason im still here. and thats the other thing that made me sad abt the old pics. just looking at this little baby with a#fucked up head and thinking: in 25 years that kid is gonna b so broken down their not gonns kno what to do or how to fix it. idk whats wrong#with me. ive always been some stage of miserable but i used to b able to get things done. and now i cant seem to force functionality#and it sucks. bc im home now and i still feel like im cringing around this open wound in my chest. but whatever#as of today ive started taking ab1lify. hopefully it helps in the long term but in the short term it triggers my 0cd. which is not fun#its so frustrating. whatever. i also found out my eyes used to not work together. not enough to have a lazy eye but it was hard for me to#read and apparently my eyes were tracking at like double the speed of a normal person. wtf is wrong with my brain? also also my mum was like#yea i never would have guessed bip0lar but we thought it was something. autism i could see 100% but yea didnt see that coming. ao i guess#i brehave like a bit of an oddball. ans my nana would bother my dad to try to make me participate in church and my dad was like no. she#clearly don't wanna b here lol. ay. they did the best they could which i appreciate#unrelated
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
Expectation of my mri was that I'd lay there and think about my aoex fic ideas,
reality: mimimimimi I sleep and try not laugh at how funny some of the sounds were
#pov mr krabs laughing for 3 minutes muffled edition#i almost cracked when agagaggagagagga happened and i had to try not to laugh#me: damn cant wait to have an hour to just think#also me: damn these be some music beats#i had to get iv contrast and i literally TASTED cold idk how but i did#:) god i hope i dont have a brain tumor#i have too many thoughts to be burdened by tumor#who will write Asmon fics#feel free to ignore this
1 note
·
View note
Text
bad headache again 2day. not gone yet. hopefully it is not something bad 😜 i still suspect it's most likely tension but this is draining me having a near constant headache with occasional really horrible migraines and i am not getting things done ive wanted to get done the past couple weeks bc im afraid of doing anything to make it all worse and also im just kinda drained even when the headache is super mild
#trying to get my health insurance figured out#so i can go to the dr and at the very least get a better pain med#ideally it's nothing serious and it's just a ton of built up tension#my mom wants me 2 get a massage#but idk bc i feel like that money would be better spent elsewhere#considering a massage might not even help#barely looked at screens today which isnt bad#but also my main hobbies are digital art and watching movies and playing video games lol so like...#at least audiobooks dont bother me so ive been listening to some books ive been putting off#unfortunately i havent finished my library book bc reading books also irritates my head#so annoyed rn!!!#and trying not to worry too much#about like worst case scenario brain tumor fears#like i did last time i had bad migraines#ok time 2 get off my phone#i need to sleep but idk how bc i usually smoke pot#but that gives me a headache rn too 🤡#ahhhh
1 note
·
View note
Text
.
#ive having a really had time rn and i think its because i dozed off and that falling thing happened#you know where youre falling asleep but your heart rate drops too quickly giving you that falling sensation#well i think that happened but then immediately after jerking awake i noticed my chest feeling weird and now im trying to calm down#from the thoughts of “im dying im dead” cause i read the post about how the feeling you get from heart attacks and anxiety are different#cause your body knows for a fact that its gonna die so it doesnt even bother making you panicked....#so of course my panic is trying to convince me that the weird feeling is that#and it doesnt help that i have really bad anxiety around sleeping anyway cause if i feel any unusual pain or feeling#im convinced that im dying and if i fall asleep then I'll die so obviously i then don't asleep all night#even just a weird headache triggers this cause my head is just like “its an oncoming brain hemorrhage. its the tumor”#and so that falling feeling and my chest feeling weird have really set a bad one on me and now i cant even bring myself to lie down#cause im convinced the moment my head touches a pillow I'll die#haha so fun i have work jesus christ#me
0 notes
Text
It's been a rough year
#Gramma died#dad had a tumor removed#my cat got violently sick and died even though we did all we could#my mom's health has been rapidly declining and the home isn't good#I've gotten a ptsd diagnosis#bf has cancer now#i don't know how much i can actually take anymore#yet i still do my stupid tasks at work like none of it is a big deal#I'm exhausted#he gets mean when he doesn't feel well and that would be okay if the brain fog didn't also make him forgetful/straight up hallucinating#i am going to make it through this year if it kills me#but god#it's only January
1 note
·
View note
Text
The second I turn 20 I'm going to get that MRI that I've probably needed for FOUR YEARS. Even if I don't need it and it turns out to be completely psychological, at least anything physical will be ruled out and I'll have my peace of mind
#i can live with mental illness#living like this is pretty unpleasant but if it really is just psychological thatll be the biggest relief#im screwed if i have a tumor#wish i could get one now but like#we're poor. im 16. and nobody listens to me#nobody really cares about how im doing#waiting until 20 and not 18 because ik theyre not going to take a teenager seriously#nobody takes me seriously#my brain feels scrambled and messed up 24/7 and i cant think and i cant remember and im twitchy#and im delusional like every other week#and its been this way for YEARS#and i cant deal with this anymore
1 note
·
View note
Text
#im getting professional help for what is most likely some form of disassociative disorder and am also reaching out to loved ones#who have similar disorders#so that I am able to have a better understanding of myself and how i function#however it's not fun and I keep panicking because im convinced that it's all some elaborate lie I have created subconsciously#because depictions of dispositive disorders always seemed so loud#and for the most part it's usually quiet aside from the thoughts that vary from mine and like the mental flashes#but those happen like only once or twice most days so I don't really register it#but my therapist pointed out i am most likely out of it more often than i believe i am because i just think im spaced out#so idk#ive been told I need to improve inner communication but i am not going to lie I beef with two of these bitches every time they're present#so think im kind of fucked#emil.txt#likely outcoms: osdd#worst case scenario i have a brain tumor thats developing its own personalities
1 note
·
View note
Last Seen Blogs
punjungazis
Let Me Introduce My Self
snakes-and-sugar
Vipers? Fire? Definitely.
pawstoholddear
Paws to Hold Dear
jollywollyvintage
Castle
the-7th-color-blog
The 7th Color