#how Ive managed to keep writing
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the manager and the owner both have nothing to themselves and they feel that very deeply and it very much bothers them. the owner blows up about it in response while the manager grins and bears it because she Has to. and i think thats a big part of why they get on each others nerves so intensely. on some level they can both understand each other and that's why the manager's view of the owner was 'fucking get it together you pathetic asshole' because if she can do it, and if he's so above everybody, why hasn't he done it? meanwhile the owner keeps working himself up out of jealousy and insecurity
the owner desires significance, a meaningful social role where his actions and his presence matter. if he has a role, he has a clearly defined purpose, he has something. the manager already has a role but its hollow because its all she has and its not enough. she doesn't get a self out of it. just more obligations. all she's allowed to be is Purpose and Duty and what does that get her? a rotted spoiled pile of flesh that doesn't even get to hear her own fake name and doesnt get to keep her reservation cards and
#the hotel podcast#i started writing up a stream of conscousness kinda thing abt the manager and madam hotels dynamic#specifically in s4#how ive been thinking abt the 'girlboss' character role and how t feels like it comes up in their relationship#intersecting w/ the mother/daughter/friend thing they also have going on#and anyway that post is starting to get real long so i may just have to turn that into another full essay#manager meta !!!#anyway had a little side thought abt the manager and the owner and wanted to share it while keeping it out of that post
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reopening the ask box is like... just finishing vacuuming shed cat hair, and then immediately going and petting said cat vigorously & watching with delight as So Much Fur sheds right back onto the floor
#knocked it down from 96 asks to 53 lets gooooo#i was gonna keep it closed for much longer but like. that was past me's opinion when they were way more stressed than usual#current me misses Conversing with the Masses! or something like that!#is it a smart decision? probably not!#between packing & comms i dont have much time#but keeping it closed felt so wrong... i dont like keep out signs....#absolutely unprompted#i forgot how time-consuming and difficult packing is#im too out of practice....#ive got all my sketchbooks and notebooks and paper and comics boxed up#Except my wof collection. im waiting for book 15 to be shipped before i box em all up. gotta keep things Together#but yes anyway sorry the box is Open for whatever your little heart desires#which is.... bad timing bc im gonna be chronically Offline tomorrow and probably a decent chunk of the next day#now if yall will excuse me im going to Attempt To Write Fanfic.#we'll see if i manage more than one sentence#i am doing. so much usps research for this shit its hilarious#like yes! i will read reddit threads! watch yt 'day in the life' videos! job listings! etc!#but hey now i know about casing and relays/loops and dps and flats and the difference between city and rural-#its fun to learn new things for writing!#i will be taking Liberties anyway! but at least they'll be a conscious decision yk yk#and if i ever post i can say 'hey i know this is inaccurate But its for the sake of the fic. im doing it on purpose! not outta ignorance!'#also i feel so so bad for cca's like... the work 'ethic' is so fucking inhumane are they ok-
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Salty bitch in me sooooo satisfied by the fact that I probably make more money than the person who made my life hell last year lmfaooooo
#speculation nation#chatting with a coworker about how they ended up seeing her by chance#and she Asked about me. she seemed so preoccupied with me Specifically it seems!#and she apparently mentioned how shed consider coming back here and im just loke#lmfaoooooo girl im in charge of the hiring now and there is no WAY id hire her back#even without the personal grievances. she just caused some Real problems. like hell id accept her back.#but also she was a total BITCH to me. like really fucking nasty. and yeah maybe im still holding a grudge about it!#im a chill person but when someone makes me cry that hard for that long TWICE#yeah fuckin right id hire you back. keep dreaming.#anyways ive just been hanging out at work and chatting Whoops hfkshfj#my shift ended an hour and a half ago. i really should be going home soon.#the good news is i should be able to secure the lease renewal for only $40 more than the original renewal offer#the bad news is they havent replied since sending that which means its not in writing yet#WHICH MEANS the showing is still on for tomorrow. ugh.#which means i need to clean. blegh.#i guess having the pressure to clean isnt the worst but i really dont wanna lmaooo#at least i do have tomorrow off. i can make it work...#but yea my anxiety is a lot more manageable now. tempered by the satisfaction of being better paid than an old enemy#IT'S KIND OF FUNNY to call her that but she kind of is. it was mostly 1 sided bc she took issue with Me#i was fine being friendly work acquaintances but noooo she had to go and make my life fucking hell for several months#the social atmosphere has changed man. im not letting a snake back in.#im a nice person but i am a Resentful person. if youve wronged me i am never fucking forgetting.#but yeah i make more money than her ❤️ yay ❤️
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swagdoons (as a fandom concept) is SO funny to me like. somehow they started off as a niche rarepair 7 months ago (with only 4 fics to their name) to the 2nd most tagged relationship in the lifesteal tag.,..and going from 4 fics to 99 fics in that time (a 2475% increase) despite having little canon content for the longest time..,.. rlly just shows how dedicated and creative this community is yk?
#swagdoons#anyways hello once again . twas a while since i posted about them#mostly bc ive been writing fic but yk#slash gen its so cool to see how swagdoons is managed to be remixed so much in the fandom#and how its still true to their characters from the little bits of content we Do get from them yk?#its awesome i love everyone sm <3#ik ive already made a post abt all of the swagdoons and how everyone keeps them fresh but. i just cant help myself#its such a good creative environment and i loveeee everyone who writes these 2 assholes <3#if youre reading this blowing you a kiss /p love all of yall
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Ah, yes, the difficulties of writing fic closely following ATSV canon. Do I mostly stay true to canon and just shift some motivations and backgrounds? Do I drag things out more, change some things entirely? Will Hobie quit the society the second Miles is on the run, or does he stick it out this time due to "i gotta watch out for this kid" and "he's almost like other-me for real" and "i know where to go potentially so it's not quite as dire to get away now" or does he quit anyways and just keeps showing up with the web-warriors watch driving everyone nuts? WHO KNOWS? NOT ME! doesn't matter whether it's the characters or me we're all having a crisis lmao
#a biscuit's rambles#when multiverses meet au#wmm#i just realised how fast things move in the film#but i think i want to drag out the problems a little more before miles goes missing and hobie quits#i need them to get to know each other. and hobie going okay fuck it thats my little brother now#and miles to start maybe somewhat trusting him#and gwen and pav wondering what the HELL is up#before i have them all mix. also im scared of writing so many characters#like. two hobies two pavs one gwen one to two miles (main) plus also pete noir (and the other noir) and margo and peter b and ham and peni#i think thats it but like thats still A LOT to juggle#and ive never written half of them before ever but i dont want to exclude them and i uaghhhh#i mean ill manage. i have as much time as i want. tehcnically. but#ah what the hell. ill just write and keep reading the script right along and then the characters decide what happens#ill just roll with whatever they wanna do lmao
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Okay I’m finally excited abt term starting now this is gonna be GOOD
#it might just be that I just watched queer eye. who knows#but I’m like. actually sorting out a pretty significant amount of the things all in one go bc this is how I do things apparently#saltatory evolution. anyway#I’m gonna go back to uni and see my FRIENDS#I’m doing a bunch of stuff in freshers week bc I’m running a stall in freshers fair and then there’s ice hockey which is gonna be insane#at the start of the year it’s SO busy and I gotta run it and it’s gonna be stressful as hell but so fun#even the times when it’s super busy and I have to do things more than play it’s good it’s a rlly nice atmosphere#and I made plans to go skating with some of my friends after we finish setting up the stall on the Tuesday#and I’m getting a bunch of stuff for my room!! I have a rug and I’m finally getting a sun lamp#and stealing some photos and I’m gonna get some nice ones printed. definitely buying another poster#and I WILL make the kitchen nice this year if it kills me I wanna have people over and actually eat there sometimes#and I’m getting some new clothes!! and I’m gonna get some when I’m back at uni so it’s lower pressure#oh and I actually realised that even though it’s Hard I kinda like the molecular biology module I’m doing#I think it should be manageable if I keep up with it and I have all the things set out to do that#AND a free enough timetable that I’ll be able to keep up with it with a little effort#I’m gonna get a planner or something I think bc they’re fun to write in and it’ll be nice to have everything in one place#OH OH AND IVE MADE PLANS TO COOK WITH MY OTHER FRIEND WHO LIVES LIKE FIVE DOORS DOWN#which is gonna be SO nice#I’m gonna tell my goddamn flatmate to keep his shit off the kitchen table#and I’m living with people I actually like now#with a bunch of my other friends next door#and one of my best friends will actually have free time this year!!!! she had none last year we’re actually gonna be able to do things#this is gonna be a good year I’ve decided I don’t care I will MAKE this year a good year#it’s gonna be a good year.#luke.txt
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Starbucks is HOME. I showed up for my interview and a barista gave me a Free Drink. The interviewer was a touch late so I was just vibing, and that same barista brought me a cake pop because they accidentally made an extra. The interviewer is gay. I think everyone that works at Starbucks is a little bit gay. I love it there.
#starbucks really is home#every starbucks ive been to and every one ive interviewed at (three) have been warm and kind and friendly#im in love with the barista that gave me a cake pop#they were soooo nice and friendly and i desperately want to be their friend#the manager. my interviewer. was super cool too#i learned that hes artistic. went to college for theater. learned about set painting and that type of art. likes to write#i want to be his friend. i want to be friends with all of them#ill find out if im hired by next Wednesday#wish me luck#i love it there sooooo much#also idk how i made it through that interview tbh#im sick and hadnt eaten anything beforehand and it was at 2pm#i was running off of 3/4 of a cake pop and a few sips of coffee#i was falling back on all backup energy storage to get through it#every time he started a new question i nearly audibly groaned#they were easy enough questions. which is good. because i had nothing going on in my brain#its like. i accessed my interview brain. the brain that keeps store of all basic interview questions and answers and stuff like that#and just operated with that#god i hate interviews but at least he was chill and it was a really nice experience#no clue how i did as well as i did
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#i am going to battle this guy at work#he doesn't show up to meetings on time doesn't do his assigned tasks#and he drops a quirky message in a group chat (he wriTES eXuces LiKe this 💫✨✨) and gets away with it#manager is stressed about how he doesn't do work but doesn't tell him anything#and then it is buried <3#and i have to do his tasks so the job is done <33#and today he was joking about the mistakes of the new trainees#lime you're in no position to make fun about other people mr slacker especially when they're at least showing up YOU'RE NOT EVEN DOING THAT#like*#ugggghggg#ive decided i am not going to keep on doing this#there's two people on the team that get away with not doing work cause manager is not calling them out#and the foirth one the team has amazing boundaries in that they will not do anything that is not assigned to them and clock out at 5#i am going to do that as well
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my interests are singular
#ive legit had the kindle app downloaded for like 4 years now just to have the mgs4 novel on my phone#anyway ive been thinking about going through it (ha) again soon but i need to mentally prepare#i want to actually go through and highlight and make notes. but.#ive been writing a post mgs4 fic for so long and i can barely keep myself together enough to do that#it makes me fucking sad!#getting inside mgs4 snake's head is hellish enough i dont even want to think about mgs4 otacon's side of it.#i played mgrr finally for the first time recently and like#holy shit it made me so sad LMAO#sunny talking about how hal cant manage relationships and commitment. haha. lmao. fuck.#ada speaks
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god the way i haven't felt like a real person in weeks
#to say i'm struggling is an understatement#and i keep isolating and atp i can't even tell when i'm doing it to punish myself somehow#and when it's that i'm literally too exhausted to interact w ppl#like i have to.do it irl bc work and family so when i have time alone i literally just crash and idk#rn my head feels so weird i feel like i'll explode andbi can't even.. explain?#how do i manage to live like this is beyond me#sorry lol i just need to write things somewhere rn without actuallly talking directly to asomeone#bc i feel like i am not myself i am barely real i need to like#scratch at my skin til i bleed orbsmth#i won't dw but god i wanna hobkhkbkfkbkbmkhjjk i'm so fucked up god if everyone justr stopped putting up w me i would notbr surprised tbh#cause ive been craop at being a person so yeah#sorry#sleeping and hopetfulllt tmrw i cam survive the morning nnafyernoon shifts#bye ily sorry
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#girl i have so many teshes thoughts its INSANE#me starting with haha actually this ship has no basis i just want to Put Tesilid Through It#but over the past few months of brainrotting their dynamic is now like.#what if we were doomed from the start and there was never anything either of us could do to save the other#(not even talking about the regression but rather the stigma bearer thing and how they have no social power)#(but also the regression thing)#what if we loved each other throughout all the lifetimes but there could never be a happy ending. tragedy dogs our footsteps#what if we were 'guy who has a good head on his shoulders and recognises our low social positions and looks out for his friends in similar#predicaments' x 'guy who is way too giving and this is bad bc the world is out to get him and he loves ppl too much to care about#the danger to himself'#what if we were 'guy who is way too giving' x 'guy who wants to protect him but Cant'#doomed ships.....#swings hestio around i like you SO much. i need to put you under a microscope and in a fish tank#(statements that should not ever be viewed by people outside of tumblr)#some of my fic outlines has notes that are like 'wow if they had the transmigrators privilege this wouldnt even have been a problem'#and im suddenly very appreciative of canon#god bless canon tesilid may you be happy. not my fanfic tesilid though im making him miserable#anyway. the more i think about it the more interesting hestio's internal conflict could be#it's about being so acutely aware of how shit their lives already are that he knows having a r/s that is frowned upon would just#make things worse#also i am very much hooked by the fact that like. nowadays i keep seeing ship posts about 'killing myself in front of you to change the#trajectory of your life forever'#for teshes its the opposite. hestio is desperately trying to make sure tesilid doesnt off himself#and also its not hestio dying that changes the trajectory of tesilid's life forever it's hestio confessing#and somehow this inflicts more pain on tesilid in the long run#which is extremely funny bc for all the notes that ive written abt teshes hestio has only confessed like umm. checks notes. 3 times#1. drunk (tesilid is not in the room) 2. the world is ending#like if hestio had managed to take this to the grave like he had originally planned then this could have been avoided#but the tragedy is that tesilid lives thru this multiple times so at least ONE time hestio's going to blab and that forever changes things#crying in fic writing being stupidly hard
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ok SO i went and got out Most of my knives (i remembered I have a nonbinary knife only after i took the photos & also idk where it is currently. just imagine all these plus a nonbinary flag knife ok? ok)
HERE ^ is the most of them, minus that nonbinary knife. look at that fuckin mess. 32 shown here (i think) plus my nonbinary knife makes 33 blades (minus cooking knives, i dont count those for these purposes)(also counting the swiss army knife as only 1 bc lol)
& some explanations for them! gonna put these under a readmore bc it got Kinda long on accident whoops. Read Ahead if u wanna see me nerd out about my knife collection.
STARTING WITH my big ones.
my spear (gifted to me), my cane sword (from anime convention), my shitty $20 sword (also from anime convention. low quality but cool as hell), my teal mini sword + matching throwing knives (from online), my decorative axe (from a local store), my twin blades (my sharpest blades, theyre actually kinda scary how sharp they are, but i love them bc of it. from online), red saber (from online),
ANDDDDDDDDDDDD my favorite hefty bitch of a machete that i sleep with in my bed frame on the very right (inherited from my grandpa bc i was the first one who spotted it at Family Claiming Day)(this thing really is as long as my leg & much heavier than Any of the rest of the blades pictured here. i love it)
another view of the blades so u can better see how long they are. the big boys. they're lovely. 2nd heaviest blade is the cane sword when it's in its cane, mostly bc that handle has some Heft. tbh id feel safer using it as a bludgeoning weapon than a stabbing weapon, but having a cane sword is just plain cool
AND my smaller blades!
i have a lot of pocket knives. starting from the top left: golden pocket knife (from online), rainbow dragon (from online), rainbow HEFTY boy (heaviest pocket knife, from online), spider knife (from online), stiletto jade (from online), pathetic army boy (from local store, this knife has NO redeeming qualities, but it's mine <3), black stiletto (from local store), plain dagger man (from online), my damascus steel knife (was a gift, probably my singular most expensive knife. fancy boy), Dull Dagger Man (first blade i ever bought, from anime convention)
& for bottom row: teeny black knife (first pocket knife i owned, gift from my dad), lil rainbow knife (from local store), plain steel knife (from sketchy shop in gatlinburg + one of my Favorite knives), green dragon knife (from online, a real beaut), triple throwing knives (also from same sketchy shop in gatlinburg), the baby throwing knives again from the Big Boys pic but i included them again bc they r so teeny tiny, my keychain key blade (from online), swiss army knife (from online), & the pair of claw keychain baldes (from online)
many blades, many stories, so little time. theyre great tho.
SOME FOCUSES:
^ these are all my spring-assisted knives, sorted from worst feel to best feel to open. based on quickness, ease, & general satisfaction. leftmost is leftmost bc i didnt even Know it was spring assisted, bc it doesnt have a nice lil tab on the back to press. no u gotta press on one of the rungs. but once u do it Does spring open, so i included it. next 3 are just Average in feel (these 3 are sibling blades anyways, nice of them to be together). jade stiletto is smooth and quick, nice to open. Hefty Boy rainbow has some THUNK to it when i open it. like that babey's got PURPOSE to it. added to the general size of it & it's just pretty great. AND THEN MY TWO FAVS, green dragon is a perfect beautiful knife & feels very great to open. and then Steel Sketchy Knife aka my 2nd pocket knife & first i bought for myself. it looks plain in comparison to the others, but she's anything But. quick, light, Sharp. it has the Best feel to open, bc it's just a fast SHHK. probably my knife that's seen the most use (aside from my small black knife) just bc of how great it feels to open. i love that knife so much for Real.
& the final highlight, somewhat related, are the knives I actually use the most in my daily life!
on the left are the knives I keep in my bag by default, & thus the ones I carry with me Everywhere i go. small black pocket knife bc she's Ol' Faithful, & a pretty lowkey knife for basic tasks when I dont wanna raise any eyebrows lol. silver knife bc as previously stated i Love using it so much. i take it out when i gotta breakdown a lot of boxes at work, & it Never disappoints. small rainbow keychain key knife bc it's cute & i like to keep it on my keychain. & swiss army knife bc Obviously im gonna keep the swiss army knife in my bag for if i need an emergency tool.
on the right are the three knives I keep out in my apartment. black stiletto lives on my bathroom counter, for bathroom knife needs. green stiletto i keep on my table next to where I hang out in my bedroom, for any couch time needs. & then green dragon beaut camps out on top of some shelves by my front door bc it's Great for opening boxes, aka something I will do for packages I receive after pulling them in the front door. it works for me.
all the rest of my knives live either in a box (for small ones) or my closet (for big ones). i may have a lot of knives, but somehow I never feel like i have enough. i just love collecting them so much <3
#speculation nation#knives#what this boils down to are. my favorites are: Big Hefty Machete that i managed to stab myself with on accident#by dropping it point-first on my finger (whoops)#a plain silver knife i got from a sketchy shop in gatlinburg (there really are so many there) that just feels SO good to use#a beautiful green dragon knife bc it's well balanced & feels great to open. also pretty.#black stiletto knife just bc i love how it feels in my hand. it's also very pointy#& small black knife bc she's ol' faithful. & great for using for average shit to not freak people out#(imagine if i brought ol' Hefty Rainbow out w/ its glass breaking base & wonderful hooked blade. ppl would give me Looks for sure)#i love many other knives but those r my favs#if i had to pick an ABSOLUTE fav it'd have to be my machete. it having drawn my blood did Not discourage me from loving it#it feels very uhh. idk it makes me feel secure having it nearby#if for nothing else than someone seeing me wield that & being like 'what the FUCK' bc it's kinda pretty intimidating lol.#long and heavy. wouldnt actually be great for combat bc that thin part between the blade & the hilt could snap the moment you hit bone#but good for me i never intend to use my blades for that! it feels comforting mostly as an intimidation factor.#the comfort being like. if someone broke in lol. that's why i sleep with it in my bed frame. so i can have it onhand Just In Case#aka it's like sleeping with a gun under my pillow except i just keep a massive fucking knife next to me instead. works for me#not the longest of my blades but it's the heaviest of my blades by far. i feel very lucky to own it.#anyways this has been the Knife Ramble by yours truly. this took me like 2 hours to gather & take pictures of & write this summary#APPRECIATE MY WORK at documenting my collection. this is the first time ive done this in several years.#wish i'd found that nonbinary knife first... oh well...
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Thinking abt how much I love oni's writing again... In particular, "a seed is planted" continues to be one of if not my favorite logs because despite the troubling details and implications that come with it, it's the one thing in the entirety of the decaying corpse of gravitas that genuinely leaves us with a grain of hope (a seed if you will) and makes oni as a whole a lot more bitter sweet as while earth may not have survived, the dupes did, and after their horrible origins and the shit that many of them went through, in due time they'll finally get to just live, they're free now, and even if Olivia's sleep is end of a tragedy, the world will keep moving forward with or without those who've been lost
#rat rambles#oni posting#like I guess I just rly love that oni both manages to commit to being a tragedy while also leaving a world still in motion#like Im glad that olivia didnt get a bittersweet ending and instead got a fucking miserable one#while at the same time the dupes are still left there to keep moving forward#well ok more so I like how the narrative shifts into smth quite beautiful when seen from the dupes perspectives#which is also why I like that the dupes are rarely talked abt directly in the lore logs#idk I just feel like a seed is planted wouldnt hit as hard to me if the dupes were talked abt more#its the same sort of incedental storytelling that I like abt the rest of oni's writing ig#also I just think them being a major part of the lore logs would rly take away from the greater horrors and tragedies of gravitas#like idk I think it would have been a lot more boring if a third of the logs were just jackie going so yeah I tortured dupes some more#it makes the pre end of the world world feel so much bigger while still mostly remaining within gravitas itself#enhances the feeling of glimpsing into a past world#like every now and then I think abt what oni story could have looked like and am filled with joy at what it is now#I fucking love being into fiction thats good god it feels so good to like shit thats just like actually good#it honestly makes me almost wish there wouldnt be new lore but I do think theres room for more#as in theres plenty of room to make shit up and also we need to see more of the scientists pls#as for actual quote unquote plot stuff idk just give me like one jackie and olivia college year video transcript or smth and we're good#theres other stuff that make me lose my mind but for narrative consistency I think itd be best to not touch those two too much#especially olivia I rly think she doesnt need almost any new content the only stuff Id want with her is if it expanded upon jackie#because rly jackie is the only character I think would super heavily benefit from elaboration even if I stand by her not needing much#as Ive said a billion times just smth small to show us her in a more casual setting and we're golden I think#show me that woman being genuinely happy so I can fill in the blanks as she slowly gets crushed by the consequences of her actions#shes a part of this tragedy too and god damnit I want to see the life she ruined along the way of ruining many others#I want to see a woman whos eyes once shined and then when the lights have dulled I want her to say it was worth it with no conviction#metaphorically ofc I dont actually want to see most of it because thatd go against the narrative philosophy already established#rly all this means is I wanna see jackie and olivia doing laundry together or smth#oh also I hope they specifically give otto a whole other log just to clear up my pronoun woes#idc what its abt just have them talk abt their gender offhand or smth#just mi-ma being like how do you do young man and otto is like they and mi-ma is like ah yes young they
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SCREAMING
#the sales associate guy is on break rn so its just me and the manager in the store#a lady was in the store and she came over to my cookie case#im supposed to be 1. yelling across the store to greet people when they come in and 2. asking if they want cookies when they're at the case#greeting people isn't going well but ive been doing pretty good with asking when they're close to me#(pretty good for me is still not good tho)#she was looking at the case. i was thinking oh ill ask her in a sec. ill let her look for a sec.#i could also tell that she was anxious too and didn't wanna be talked to. like i have a sense for that#MANAGER GUY. goes 'Elisabeth. 👀👈'#to tell me to talk to her#so i did and then its A MILLION TIMES WORSE BC I KNOW HES WATCHING ME. and now im THAT MUCH MORE ANXIOUS TO GREET PEOPLE TOO#i cant jump on customers as soon as i see them im sorry. i HATE when i go to stores like that how am i supposed to do it to other people#but UUGSJDGDHD he keeps REMINDING ME like i just dont care or im not listening or paying attention or WHATEVER#and it makes it so much worse. then it gets worse so its harder to say hey man youre triggering my anxiety.#so he keeps doing it. so it gets worse. but then its harder to-#i hid in the bathroom for a sec to write this lol im gonna catch my breath and go back out#IM GONNA DIE!!!!!!!! I WANNA GO HOME!!!!!!!!!#i have 2 hours left :(#she was a baker girl
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just reread my short story from last fall. DAMN im good
#my post#ghost seeing detective story is the first one ive managed to finish in a LONG time#and i am legitimately proud of how it turned out#id like to keep writing in its universe too#i set it up for that
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i rly just want to be a good dog, but there are all these human things i don't understand and human expectations of me.
i want to be told its ok if i fucked up - i tried, i'll get it next time
i want to know what i want that isn't just reactive to trauma
i want to feel like i'm more than a reflection of others
i want to be a person, in my own way. i want "me" to actually define something
dog is feeling bad abt itself/its ability to meet expectations/exist. it could rly use nice words pls.
it feels like i dont contribute anything except sharing stuff from elsewhere. I only create a single thing and that's writing that nobody reads. idk how to interact anymore and it feels scary and isolated and i just don't want to feel like this.
#why cant i stop feeling pointless#i feel like i never explain anything right#ive been ok but doing poorly but ok but doing poorly but... and like... why?#im so behind on getting stuff ready#im good at being “fine” by dissociating except that dissociating isn't “fine”#i want to stop worrying that i can't drop my guard or else i'll say something in a way i don't mean and instantly make ppl hate me#people get mad or upset and don't let u explain and even if u do and they accept it it doesn't undo the hurt caused and#puppy is scared and tired of making people upset with it#puppy keeps feeling guilty for expressing at all#nobody likes our writing#nobodys probably actually reading these tags#feel like idk how to participate in group dynamics without managing to feel rly rly alienated#and i'm comfy talking w so few ppl#i talk to <1 person per day out loud on avg#usually just myself or the air around me#there are maybe 4 people i message with any regularity#i feel bad bc they have to put up w more of me#i miss when i had so many online friends in so many places#i miss feeling like i knew how to talk to people#dogbrain#idk if this counts as an existential crisis#but just. dog sad.#sorry
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