one line in trimax that's always stuck with me is from chapter 65, right after wolfwood's death. when vash is sticking the punisher by his grave and he says "it was part of his life". that phrasing is so interesting to me. the neutrality of it is one thing that gets me, i think. it was part of his life. for better or worse, whatever it was, the punisher was wolfwood's.

It's pretty easy to think that the punisher might represent violence, the eye of michael, the role of assassin that was forced onto wolfwood, the loss of childhood. but it's not really presented that way, not overtly anyways. we never see wolfwood shun the punisher, he's not conflicted by his use of it. he never considers abandoning it for some other weapon. it's his weapon. he doesn't discard it when he eventually decides to take a more vash-like approach and actually let people live. he pretty easily accepts it as his own, a tool he can use. (to be fair, at least part of that is probably because the punisher is a very good gun.)

the punisher can still represent the harsher aspects of wolfwood's character, the violence he's committed, that he's capable of. that's an important part of his life! and the idea of it as representative of his violent adolescence, childhood that was stripped away, goes along with this - it's literally a cross to bear. but besides showing his past as a burden, i think of the punisher as being a cross of responsibility. when you have a gun you have power, agency - you have a responsibility to make a choice. that's what wolfwood tells vash in chapter 4.

the ability to take a life, the burden of it, is literally his cross to bear. that ability - and that responsibility - was given to him by the eom, literally in terms of the gun, and in terms of his skills. but the eye doesn't think twice about killing people. for them it's not really a choice, a responsibility, it's just a given. but wolfwood can't accept that. he's constantly considering the choices he makes.

so the punisher isn't only a symbol of the eye of michael, of the path that he was forced onto. it's also a way of expressing autonomy. the eye gave wolfwood the gun, but he decides how to use it and what it means. for much of the story wolfwood struggles to decide what to do, he's a very conflicted character. but eventually he resolves to use it against chapel, against knives, to help vash, and protect the orphanage. the gun gives him agency.

so the punisher was part of his life. it was the tool that he used to commit acts of violence, acts that he was forced into, but also the tool he used to break free.

it's heavy for vash, too. he's not exempt from that idea, the idea of responsibility. as wolfwood said much earlier in the story, vash has always been able to sidestep the question of "what do i choose?", because he's only ever given himself one option - everybody lives. and he's always succeeded. but as wolfwood says, "the day will come when you'll have to choose". one day, it's not going to work.

and of course the story progresses, the stakes ramp up, and vash learns more, goes through more, and is pushed to his limits. i think by this point, by wolfwood's death, and maybe because of it, vash has realized that he might have to make that difficult choice in the near future. that's one reason why he wants to "do him proud". he has a lot of reasons to say this of course - to not let wolfwood's sacrifice go to waste, for example. but if we're thinking of the cross as responsibility, then vash is saying he doesn't want to forget the lessons he learned because of wolfwood. wolfwood has always grappled with responsibility, with what the right thing to do is. and the right thing is often not easy. vash hopes that when the times comes for him to make a choice, he'll make a good one, one that does right by wolfwood's memory.

EPISODE 5 “Can’t we just bring the crazy 15 year old in? Why is that so hard?” - Sarah

The internal struggle is real rn. Do I throw Alex under the bus and secure my safety? Or do I try to sit back and hope a new target emerges?

I don't know how many people know this, but I try to write a big piece of bullshit before every tribal to release if I'm the one voted out. Here's the one from tonight.... First of all I just want to say thank you to the hosts and to my fellow competitors. Now I'm going to expose some snakes. (Please don't hate me people, I just want to blow the game up while I'm leaving). -Linus, Alex, and Tommy are in an alliance -Jonathan HATES Richie and Alex -Jaiden has told me that he has an idol -Crow, Sarah, and Brian have an alliance -Of the 3 mentioned above, Crow and Sarah have a F2 -Tommy is by far playing the best strategic game -Junior is playing an extremely well social game -Brian is connected to the heroes on MANY levels and he'll flip to them at a tribe swap -Linus also has a good social game -Jaiden is messy as fuck

hi my name is im fucked how r u?

BIIIIIITCH I'M GOING FOR MY OTTNN5 EDGIC I'M NOT FUCKING AROUND RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!! (but hopefully i at least get a CPM) The vote was 4 votes Alex. 4 votes Kage. 1 vote ME. 1 vote tommy. 1 vote Jon. theres a tie, brian gets the rock drawn and my stupid ass was like wait my names not on the list and that alone should make me a hero for being an honest bitch but then redo and jaiden leaves and bam i ERUPT.  in the main chat i'm like YO WHO VOTED WHO LETS GET TO THE BOTTOM OF IT!!! Jon/Crow/Junior all say they voted for alex, Linus says he voted for Kage and I say i voted for kage so thats 5/11 votes accounted for and i cant believe anyone actually listened to me and revealed their vote in the tribal chat lmao WILD i was completely left out of this vote and everything thats been happening on this tribe so its clear im on the bottom and with my name being thrown around at this vote whether i was actually a possible target or a decoy that shit isnt okay im not in the long term plans for ANYONE on this tribe so i have nothing to lose worst case scenario i put a big target on my back and i go out next and if that happens at least i didnt go out as a useless pawn in anyones game and its because i did something but what im hoping is to gain information (which i did because i found out how everyone voted within an hour after tribal) and 2. i wanted chaos so everyones mad at someone like kage voting jon was a big win bc that furthered their fight thats been alive since day 1 after that i went on a bit of a pity tour where i went to everyone and like was like "i feel so alone and isolated and no one trusts me and i just feel like i havent done anything to prove that you shouldnt trust me i just want to be included" just trying to make people feel bad lmao im so worked up its been 2 hours since tribal and i literally havent stopped ive been at a 100 out of 10 with everyone and im going to need to cool down and lay low but while i have momentum i caaaaant just sit around and do nothing so i guess we'll see what consequences my outbursts have had???? 

idk how to explain what just happened

I've wrote myself a hit list of people who ARE going home before me.... Jonathan Richie Linus Alex Tommy Brian

So after a few hours of info gathering I think I have bits and pieces of what happened in that last vote.... So the alliance of 7 (Myself, Jonathan, Sarah, Tommy, Brian, Jaiden, & Junior) were supposed to vote for Alex. However, Jaiden, being bored with the game or feeling outcast at the bottom decides that this is merely a ploy to get us to throwaway our votes. Then, he approaches various people, which I know to be Brian, Linus, and Junior (at least) about the possibility of still voting Kage. Whether this was to insight chaos or division for entertainment or strategy, I don't know.... Meanwhile, Alex is feeling on the outs as he's a smart player and observed it so he threw a vote at Tommy. Whether this was because he knew it would force the vote to tie or simply because he didn't like Tommy and wanted to give him a parting gift, I also don't know.... Jonathan, Tommy, myself, and Sarah stuck to the plan to vote out Alex (however, Sarah doesn't want to expose her vote in public and cause a confrontation between her and Junior considering Junior lied about his vote too....) Kage voted Jonathan in the same regard that Alex did. (Again, I don't know if it was planned or not or if either had connections to Jaiden's plans, but they both threw away their votes despite them being clear targets.....sketch....) Which means that someone threw a vote at Richie and is not fessing up about it. Richie voted Kage because I'm sure that's what everyone told him to do (as we were supposed to) and he was just alone. The vote for Richie, in my opinion, was likely Jaiden, given his rep for paranoia and throwing votes away to avoid rocks/idol plays (ironic, huh?) and that Junior voted for Kage as a part of Jaiden's plan considering there's a strong possibility that him and Linus are connected.... So right now, I trust Tommy, Jonathan, Alex, Sarah (but I'm also a little worried as to why she doesn't want to tell the truth to everyone....) and honestly, still Brian because I can relate to his position.....I want to build trust with Richie but we're not there quite yet. My targets would be Kage and Junior as of now. Kage just....just needs to go and Junior is a massive rat with a few too many strings on this tribe. Either or, I don't care which one goes first.... Or I'm totally wrong and still aligning myself with rats =)

I got REALLY lucky yesterday, however I also lost my closest ally in the process.  And I told him I would slay the rest of this game for him, so I must avenge Jaiden (who I will confessional-ize about all the time!).  I had some major damage control and I just pushed over and over again that I voted Kage, the truth, so that people would trust me more.  I hope they do still trust me, and I do think they realize that I'm still useful to most of them.  I grew insanely close to Richie after that happened, and the two of us will most definitely be working together.  Linus still trusts me, and I think Alex might still trust me to an extent.  Kage and I are probably done which is fine.  Junior is a snake or so I think.  Tommy doesn't not trust me, he just probably won't trust me as much.  But he did know about the Kage vote, so I didn't completely shock him.  Sarah and Crow need me, I think.  Jonathan needs me.  I hope my thoughts on all this are right djskahsd.

OK LISTEN THE FUCK UP HUNTIES!! IM ABOUT TO SPILL ALL THE GOOD TEA AND HONESTLY I WOULD HAVE DONE IT ON A VIDEO BUT MY PHONE! IS A POS AND apparently i have too many videos already? ANYWAYS SO I HAVENT MADE A CONFESSIONAL AND WEVE GONE TO TRIBAL COUNCIL THREE TIMES VILLAINS ARE A MESS HONESTLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so the first vote was between brian and pat and then i messaged brian and i was like heheh i wannt to keep u so crow and i went around talking to ppl to see how they felt (crow and i didnt plan this out btw i guess we both just wanted to keep him?) SO THEN PAT WENT HOME! on a 9-3-1 vote ash self voted kage(mess), tommy and pat voted brian and the rest of us voted pat so anyways then WE FUCKING LOSE AGAIN!?!? are these heroes on steroids? idk? anyways! we gotta go to tribal council again and at this point im kinda like ok i feel fine.....AND DO U WANNA KNOW WHY??? crow and brian and I have an alliance jaiden and jr and I have an alliance tommy felt bad about being in minority and not listening to me for the pat vote so we have pledged our f2 together and he is literally the light of my life...i cant tell if he feels the same but boy do i love this boy...hes my ned pt 2 anyways so jonathan decided that he wanted a majority alliance with crow, brian, me, him, jaiden, jr andDD TOMMY !!! LEGIT ALL THE PPL IM ALLIGNED WITH SO IM IN THE FUCKING MIDDLE AHHHH SCREAM SCREAM BITCH THE FUCK CREAM CHEESE SCREAM so that works out ...obv i dont like jaiden or jr bc they fucking suck anyways so we all vote together to vote out ashley ... and kage and richie and linus and alex are just there i heard there have been an alliance with alex, kage, linus and tommy -which tommy doesnt like btw i know jr and linus are a thing richie and alex are prob a thing everyone is connected and tbh i dont really care for any of these players except for tommy...and Id like to add crow to that list but we all know hes a mastermind so ...i aint a dumb bitch SO ANYWAYS NOW ONTO THE THIRD VOTE...WE HAVE MAJORITY AND WE DECIDE TO VOTE OUT ALEX well DOESNT THAT GO ASTRAY jaiden decided to vote out kage, brian voted with him so basically heres how the voting went (hopefully im correct) crow-alex jon-alex tommy-alex sarah-alex kage-jon richie-kage brian-kage jaiden-kage linus-kage jr-richie alex-tommy but everyone thot i voted out ....richie..and I KNOW IN THE BOTTOM OF MY FUCKING HEART THAT JR IS LYING!! AND HE WONT ADMIT IT and heres why i know hes lying and hes a snake a rama 1) he put ashleys name out there on the second vote-he got scared it was gonna come to bite him in the ass so he told ppl "hes hearing ashleys name" 2) he has a clear alliance with kage and has been trying to keep him this entire time when its obvious no one likes him !?!? 3) he told kage that ashley went around saying kages name LOL which is funny so now kage hated ashley and they both hated eachother and tbh idrc if jr wants to make stupid obvious moves like this to pit two idiotic players against one another but hey ! like ...as long as u aint trying ur shit with me then idfc about u bitch 4) he voted richie and hes lying...like fucking stop? so anyways BECAUSE JAIDEN AND JR ARE UGLY AF INSIDE AND OUT I NOW NEED TO AMEND TIES WITH FUCKING ALEX bc him and i had an agreement of f2 :c so i tell him i voted him and that i didnt want to lie and then he wants a majority alliance with me, crow, brian, linus and richie !!! which im down for like bitch im not gonna turn down an alliance!?! but i will tell tommy about this bc i like that alex and tommy both dont like eachother hehe but alex is def playing middle but ill just let him think hes being slick BUT ANYWAYS I WAS BORED AT 1 AM LAST NIGHT SO GUESS WHAT I DECIDED TO DO ... look for the idol... so it went a little something like this me: josh i know ur online LET ME SEARCH FOR IDOL josh: yes hello wanna search me: YES josh: ok! me: josh pls give me an idol pls josh *crickets* josh: Congratulations! You have found the Modoru idol. This is a special idol with special powers. This idol, when played, will restart the round to before the last immunity challenge, halting the tribal council, resulting in no elimination from the game. The immunity challenge will be reconducted, and the game will continue as normal. It is important to note that is idol must be played before the votes are read, at the same time as a normal idol. If any other idol is played in addition to this idol, it shall be returned to it’s owner. me: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I HAVE A FUCKING FISH IDOL anyways ya so thats what u missed on glee

The Heroes showing up to slay the villains in the challenge honestly I dont know whats my more favorite thing, winning immunity or watching the villains descend into madness

We won immunity again out of luck..... woopdy freakin doo. I feel kinda bad for the heroes because the Villains are having all the FUN and I wanna be included in on the fun, but I do have to keep reminding myself that no matter how eager I am, it's good that I've been immune these few times because, eventually, if I make it there, I'll have to go to every single tribal council, and knowing how horrific I am under pressure when it comes to individual immunities, I probably won't win many of those. But one good thing did come out of this round, and it's the fact that Kendall painted a bigger target on her back if we were to go to tribal, and it's to get her the fuck out of here. I know she's a strong player, and taking this opportunity to take her out, without even cutting the legs off of her body (and by that I mean taking out Ruthie first, so she feels safe and then stabbing her in the throat), but since Kendall is making it so easy to just target her dumb ass, I guess that'll work too and maybe I can now look into using Ruthie as an asset in this game, especially since she's so nice, she seems really loyal and doesn't have many social skills going around according to what I'm hearing from the tribe. Maybe it's time to start building that final relationship in our tribe, so I can use it in case we swap tomorrow, which I'm highly speculating

I also think it's about that time where I start picking up those strong relationships with those Villains like I had night one, especially if we're swapping tomorrow. I want to keep conversations raw and not too deep. Like a "Good Luck at tribal" and see if it'll spark anything. I've been consistently talking to Tommy, Linus and Crow, but I also know Tommy has been having consistent conversations with members of our tribe, and honestly, there's a chance I might slip this information to Crow to see if he can take out Tommy, especially because he's a winner. OMG THIS CONFESSIONAL JUST GAVE ME A BRILLIANT IDEA. Let's see if I can low-key just plant the seed to get him the fuck out of here and see what's up :)

Drew and Alex C. hosting a main season TOGETHER during Japan? Mood. This is from after me winning the duel. Oops forgetting to submit it from last round

BY THE MOTHERFUCKING GRACE OF JESUS CHRIST I SOMEHOW GOT THE IDOL CLUE WITH AN 8% CHANCE OF IT POTENTIALLY GOING TO ME (ya know.... 1/12 #math). I know it's in the meadow based off of the clue, and lucky for me I already searched there once, so I've got a 1/3 shot of finding it........ AND I FUCK IT THE FUCK UP. Essentially I have two options here, either go to one of my closest allies (Steffen or Trace) to search for the idol as well in the space I told them to, and then they hopefully will it over to me, OR I just wait until next round and HOPE I'm still on Heroes beach (despite the high speculation of a swap), and just hope that I can search again to better my odds. I decided there's no time like the present, so I run to Steffen and Trace, but Steffen answers first, so lucky for Steffen, and I tell him the predicament, and he goes to look for the idol and nada. Now at this point, I just gotta wait it out because I think there's a decent chance we won't be swapping, and that would be incredible for my game because then I can actually go for it now and find out if it has been found or not. I'm getting the feeling that at the fifth round of this game, either someone got a secret idol clue during their search (which is very possible) or that someone got DUMB lucky. Either way, I'm keeping optimistic at this point and praying that shit goes my way. ~Cheers to not a swap~

Also, fucking Tommy keeps messaging me about swapping tribes and wanting to abandon ship with the villains because it's essentially him and Kage vs everyone else. I'm not really sure if this is true, especially because he has fucking won this game before, but I'm going to assume, based on what's been told to me, that it is actually Tommy and Kage vs the tribe, and I think it'll be an interesting tribal tonight, with it being likely that Kage goes home. On a totally different note, I decided to try to utilize my relationship with Crow on the villains tribe, and let him know that A LOT of Heroes have been getting messages from Tommy nonstop, and as much as I think he's nice, the second I found out about Tommy messaging ALL the heroes, and not just me, it made me realize that I don't really think I can trust him and that he's gotta go. I wonder if Crow is going to be taking my advice, or maybe cutting the legs off of Tommy, but Tommy can be a huge tool for me that I can use against the Villains if I end up on a swapped tribe that could fuck me over in numbers, but with Tommy, I've got a shot. As of now, I think Kage is going from what Tommy told me, which means that Tommy is likely next on the chopping block, and he's been talking to me A LOT about mutinying, but I'm not really sure he can do that, but if he can, and he chooses to, there probably won't be much stopping me from booting him out of our tribe almost immediately. We'll see how tonight goes because I'm HIGHLY skeptical about it, but I've got faith that we're not swapping because our tribe declared that Dom is competing in this duel for our tribe, and idk if the hosts are fucking with us or not, but if they are, then kudos to them because I don't know what to think at this point

https://youtu.be/6yiILcktIqo