a 2 act tragedy starring me: i’ve been making fruit smoothies in the morning for a few days which has been great because it’s getting me to actually eat fruit for once, only to go on the internet and be told that it apparently releases all the natural sugars so it's actually Not that great for you and i am devastated

Dear blogging

Wish you peace, always. Considering all, it been extra rough. My guardians were sick, and my fragile of a stability was about to break— but it okay now, and the pendulum of consciousness returned swaying in my head.

Somehow in the middle of everything, I was starting to feel okay and accept that this is the best it can get for this non verbal Mani. I honestly I stopped living as if there was tomorrow maybe the majority of 2023, zero drive or hopefulness, and lately started to accept that there's no denying that I'm not made to survive this life, and dropped all pretence that I'm able, set a 5 years counter. Because if mere looking at people's faces distress me so much that I blank out &/or go mute, since childhood, no amount of me forcing myself to watch videos/ pictures over and over can fix that. That's simply how I'm made and I know that now, and in a way it's bringing me peace.

Because I thought I'm bratting when I wore my headphones to cancel out noise that were literally going to drive me insane, or when I couldn't respond to messages knowing that I can articulate deeply in writing but ignoring all the endless times when I simply couldn't, and have forced myself to eat many things that set me days in nausea and abdominal pain while I only enjoy liquids more and get high off of fruits, I love them so much half my OCs are named after some.. and drew.. drew even before I spoke because it was my only outlit to express because how much I'm told I'm like a robot, I'm so expressionless and non reactive and disgustingly literal, even when they actively beat me black Nd blue to stop drawing, I couldn't.. where do you free those emotions when U can, i needed emotion displays and heartfelt trimmers, thrilling or killing, I needed to do them as if my life depended on it, and I haven't realised it back then, but my life was dependent on them, even when I had 'no talent ' , as I have always been told.

(commissioned by precious Julia ♥️🖤)

And besides drawing my needs, I actually, physically, started to feel better when I didn't do what my body said it literally can't do, all my life:

-Walked away from my guardians arguments, my chest stabbing pains became less frequent.

Stopped "practicing" my voice &/or facial expressions, I talk for 2 minutes, immediately my whole face muscles hurt, voice is cracking and gone, I don't feel like my eyebrows hurt as much. I'm okay being the monotone no expresso train c:

-stopped eating what I "don't like" (I mean it's not like I have much choice, but stopped feeling guilty over refusing it cuz food be tight) Nd now I can actually drink more water, and my tummy aches are on lower levels now

-i stopped dealing with Discord, or group chats in general cuz I don't expect accommodation over things I can't deal with. Stopped stressing over doing engaging material that no body seems to care about, cuz I'm not a good judge of demand, or stressing over either I should be thanking everyone who spams me with likes or not, (while I appreciate it to the moon) 90% of the time they don't respond Nd Im forced to think like I've done something wrong. I'm now at more ease with posting — (literally I have to fight the urges to delete my socials daily) just with interacting with who addresses me (I lov U guys sm) and I've been more relaxed from it.

I returned to "speaking in riddles" cuz if I don't use the words my brain spews no matter how weird they R, a tire will pop somewhere on the other side of an AU- idk lo'

-i rock, hum and laugh OUT my maniacal laugh, hard and strong, continued loving and talking to my plushies as I used to do, the easiest thing I could do to feel calmer again. As everyone should do

.. I stopped saying the word sorry. It's a naughty Mani era.

Accepting these facts and many, even with having no will to live had me saner than I ever been, at least I hope so.

I just know that I have a few to be grateful of: that I'm still here somehow, even with my dwindling income, Nd my internet not worth costing 120$± I'm always grateful for the sudden one or two commissions that keeps me here and buys me coffee and pumpkins seeds..

I still struggle horrindously with sleep. But I'm grateful at least I'm at pure ease playing games. Games been my go to media for knowing basically all based on books they were made about, like Severus and Tintin, I still play their ps1 games! Tho I got stuck on this game & their sleep has given me so much ease lo

I'm at my happy place rn, heh.

Bonus panel: ye they R hungry for that SHI- lo 🙈

And an honorary appearance of my OC with Tintin hehe

Stay safe, don't feed the overconsumption machine, don't give up on your heartstrings's stringers, don't worry— there are people who think and feel like you always between the crowds, and I'm thankful that I share the same timeline with you♥️🖤

Sweet dreams 🌃 19.2.2024

Been stupidly horny since I been on this new diet somewhat, for a couple weeks. Even by my standards. So hopefully I deleted that shit before you read it. Woke up and thought wtf who talks about basically a stranger now like that. But I want to give you advice for diet. Don't ask me why, I just like trying to help you from a distance I guess. There are people online that are probably much more knowledgeable than me, but the most basic way to put it is: eat 2 meals a day no more than 6 hours apart, or 1 meal a day. Make it like 70% fat, 25% protein, and 5% carbs. Basically cut anything that isn't a vegetable carb out, because it's in fucking everything so you'll get it from somewhere no matter how hard you try sometimes. You don't want to consume a ton of protein because excess gets turned into basically carbs. I got a sweet tooth and after a few days I had zero sugar cravings. You'll lose a lot of water weight at the beginning, which feels pretty good. But I mean to begin with you can just start going through all the carbs in your pantry and eat through them and start picking up high fat, low carb stuff from the grocery store to figure out stuff to cook with it. Rather than throwing out the pantry and trying to figure out an entirely new diet all at once. Big thing about high fat diet is you wont really want to eat more than once or twice a day. So fasting for 18 hours won't be difficult once you've adapted to it. The idea behind it is becoming adapted to using fat as fuel, rather than carbs. Carbs make you insulin resistant over a long long time of eating it. Main cause of all ailments today. Cascade of issues with all the processed shite that's in almost everything. And it's good to learn about high omega-3 fats. Modern diet is hugely over burdened on omega-6s. Olive oil and coconut oil are really some of the only good oils. Vegetable oil, canola oil, all seed oils are basically poison. Avoid sugar and fructose like the plague. A lot of substitutes act the same in the body to a lesser extent. Get stevia in a squirt bottle or monk fruit if you want sweetener. "Bullet proof coffee" is the shit, be careful with the mct oil though because it will give you the shits 😂. If you do too much. Mct oil is like crack head juice or something to me. Gives me a ton of energy. I get coconut cream from the Asian section in the can and put that in my coffee too. Shits good. I scoop it into an ice tray and make coconut cream ice cubes to toss into my coffee for creamer. You'll honestly probably notice a lot of allergies go away or at least reduce if you cut out a lot of stuff from what you eat. Too many people try to add stuff in their diet or pills/supplements to feel better or fix something, but they really just need to take stuff out. If you're able to stick with the diet, you'll find that you crave fatty foods, butter, cheese, a fat steak, and wont really want carb heavy food. And while you will lose a lot of weight being on this diet and fasting for 16-24 hours a day, that's not really the point. Just a bonus of being fat adapted. It's just a healthier way to live. Of course once your solidly in the diet you can load up on a carb heavy meal to get your pasta fix on a Saturday or something, but you have to be strict about it after. I got carried away eating crumbl cookie and pasta and mess last weekend and binged on carbs for a few days. Didn't feel spectacular and slept like all fuckin day lol. But I guess the best way to start is to research some basic stuff for the diet and pick it up and just build up your recipe book.

❣️River & Astrid

Who is the little spoon?

Most of the time it is River who ends up holding her though they both like it more when she is facing him, laying on his chest than spooning. But let's be real River has his really needy moments with Astrid and insists that she spoon him and after a laugh she obliges.

Who sings in the shower?

They both have had their moments of a little shower tune, but Astrid's is more to herself and River likes it so he can be heard through the whole apartment.

Who plays pranks on the other?

Neither of them are really pranksters. The most they have done is he may have jumped out on her, knowing she is an easy scare, and Astrid isn't above taking the whipped cream off her dessert and putting it on his face.

Who is the one who listens to pop music?

They both enjoy a good bop. Definitely have a good playlist that they sing out together in the car. River will also put on a classic one to pull her into a dance.

Who brings the other a random cup of joe?

Astrid is always thoughtful with those little things. Coffee and treats, she has brought him a few things. River loves it because it means that she is thinking about him.

Who picks the cheesy movies for date night?

While River loves his horror and thrillers he is more than down when Astrid wants to watch a romantic comedy for the night. Really just any excuse to have her cuddled up to him is a good date night.

Who is more likely to feed the other in public?

River would do it as a joke and Astrid would finally give in because it would save from the embarrassment to get it over with.

Who gives the other random little compliments?

Both are very sweet too each other. River probably says things on a more regular basis but when Astrid does say something it makes him feel so good. She has this genuine way about her that makes him believe it.

Who is always stealing food from the other’s plate?

River is guilty of that. The boy is a vacuum. Astrid doesn't really mind that much but worries how everything he consumes it is rarely a vegetable or fruit that makes its way in.

Who is more likely to let the other borrow their car?

If the other needed it either would be willing to let them. Though River would offer to drive her honestly just to get more time with her.

Who makes the list before they go grocery shopping?

Astrid is more of the list maker to get what they need for the week and River just grabs whatever looks good to him at the moment depending how hungry he is when they shop.

Who makes sure the other takes their meds when sick?

Astrid is much better at that since she is a nurse and a natural caretaker. The only thing River has that is medicine is the cheap liquor he may drink to get rid of a headache. It wasn't until being with Astrid he saw what a medicine cabinet actually should look like.

Who watches sports and has to teach the other the rules?

I don't think either of them care about sports. Sure, River knows the basics of them but he could care less if they watch games together.

Who pulls the other to their feet for a dance in the living room?

River loves to dance with her so he is definitely the one starting it but Astrid doesn't say no even if she may shake her head at him. She likes that he is a romantic and wants to be close with her.

Who has to keep reminding the other to hurry or they’ll be late?

River has about zero sense of urgency. He is too relaxed so it is Astrid who is stressing for the both of them, telling him that they need to go and he keeps insisting they have time.

Who is the one most likely to get a tattoo with the other’s name?

River would definitely get one. The longer they are together he would probably have a few that have to do with her and represent who she is to him.