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apositivelifeaffirmingway · 7 years

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I’ve been stewing on this for days now, biding my time and trying to sort out my feelings. It’s been rough and hard and painful and I know that things will never be the same for how I feel about this show, or Robert and Aaron as a couple.

But, I think it’s time to let this out in as coherent a way as I can - and this isn’t even that coherent; this is my attempt to get it out of me so I can try to move past. Because it happened. So I gotta deal.

This isn’t even everything I have in my head, I just can’t seem to organize all my thoughts about this - but it’s the broad strokes. I welcome civil discussion about any of it. I’m not active on this blog right now but I will see your messages and respond if anyone wants to keep talking about this.

I’ll start by saying I’m not done with the show. Yet. I’m waiting to see what might transpire. There are definite *things* that if they happen will cause me to tune out for some time (maybe forever), but I’m WAITING TO SEE.

As a lifetime viewer of soaps, I logically understand what the show thinks they’re doing, and in some ways I’ve started the journey towards acceptance that THIS was what they decided to do. But emotionally? I am completely compromised and my heart is destroyed. I hadn’t realized how much these two had seeped into my body and soul - how much I had put on them as a surrogate for my own non-existent happiness - until this complete and total trainwreck of an event occurred. If nothing else, last week has *cured* me of this show and of Robron. The show and the pairing are not the same anymore, and it won’t be the same for a long time (ever?)...and that’s probably a good thing for my own mental health if I’m honest.

As for the actual *thing*...I find fault with ALL parties. I mean, aside from the asinine writing of the actual episodes (meaning FULL BLAME TO THE WRITER AND THE SHOW BUT SINCE THIS IS THE SHIT THEY GAVE US I HAVE TO MAKE IT MAKE SENSE SOMEHOW).

No one comes out of this CLEAN or totally blameless.

I do blame Aaron a teeny tiny bit (like 0.05%) for not telling Robert about his torment inside; about the REAL reason he’s using. Not that it would have made a difference but maybe it would have? Communication. Sigh. (also? If Aaron hadn’t been in prison this wouldn’t have happened. I know that’s a completely and totally unfair statement to make, but it’s also true. A minuscule silver lining? What happened wasn’t about Aaron not being enough for Robert, or Robert having feelings for someone else...it’s all a byproduct of that stupid Kasim thing. Of Aaron (Robert’s moral compass) being absent, suffering on his own of course, and pushing Robert away because of his experiences. I mean, this is indicative of a highly unhealthy codependency from both parties but I think we were all aware that was the case. Regardless...at least the circumstances for this happening were this extreme? Yeah? ha...I need to seek out any little bit I can that might help me feel even slightly better about this shit.)

I blame Rebecca (about 25%) for taking advantage or Robert’s emotional state, and his physical state. Because she did. She overheard Adam say where Rob was - that he was upset. Then she got that vague text from him asking if she was around and she ran off. He didn’t ask her to come (that we saw onscreen, which is all that actually counts)...she stuffed her phone in her pocket and ran off to Mill because she knew he was there. (so in my mind, Rob wasn’t lying on Friday when he said to Chas that she just showed up). I also 100% do not buy into the fact that she didn’t know Robert was playing her. She knew he was drunk - REAL DRUNK. I don’t think she really believed his “we’re over” rant. Rather, she chose to believe it, and in that I think Chas was absolutely right when she said Robert only used her because Rebecca allowed him to. Yep. Fuck her. I was still trying to give her a chance but now I’m just done.

I blame Robert most (the remaining 74.95%), of course (Or rather, the pod person that took over Robert’s body and reverted him about three years). He’d been TRYING so hard for so long and decided to just give up on all of it. I can relate to what he said to Chas on Friday - that Aaron had hurt him and so he wanted to hurt Aaron, and “once the idea took hold I couldn’t stop it”. Yep. I’ve done many self destructive things to myself because I couldn’t get rid of an idea...So I understand that perspective. But it doesn’t make it okay, or forgivable.

Robert’s struggle the last few weeks has been interesting to watch, and I’ve loved it. His dynamic with Liv especially has been FANTASTIC. The problem is the show didn’t give it more time. His breakdown after Aaron essentially said “leave me alone” was so unearned based on the very few things we saw onscreen. I suppose we were meant to think it was a breaking point for him? That Robert was upset because Aaron was drugged up, and didn’t care about Liv’s troubles, or that Robert had been worried??? But none of that came across very well in the dialogue. And Aaron could have been (should have been!) a lot more cruel to Robert to elicit the EXTREMELY OTT reaction from Robert that we got. I don’t know. It was so badly handled and makes no real sense. I just....

I am dead inside.

(btw - are we supposed to think that Aaron’s story about the guards finding stuff in his cell is true? because if it is, and if what Aaron said about convincing them it wasn’t his is also true, does that mean he threw Ethan under the bus? Put the blame on him?? Nice cellmate he must be. sigh.)

I did believe Robert’s shame and agony and guilt on Friday. Even if it took Rebecca threatening to tell Aaron the truth for him to come clean to Chas. He still did tell her when it came to it. He didn’t try to excuse it away but he did try to explain his thoughts and feelings which...is also a new thing. So. That’s...something. (I guess). And another something is that it’s perfectly clear (at least to me) Robert doesn’t harbor any actual, real feelings for Rebecca outside this supposed ‘friendship’ they had. And I think (maybe I just hope) that she’s finally had enough of him, too. Robert only wants Aaron...but now that he’s fucked up royally who knows if/when that’ll ever happen. You know - all I wanted was for them to be okay when Aaron got out, so we could see a truly happy, loving reunion and now that won’t even happen. For CERTAIN Chas will stop Rob confessing on Monday, and so whenever Aaron is released Robert will still be sitting on all his guilt and so, while it might look happy from the outside it really won’t be. Fuck I want to throw up. Will watching this show ever be fun again?

Also? I cannot IMAGINE how/why Chas would leave if Robert and Aaron are split and Aaron is not in a good place. Or how she would leave them knowing what she knows about Robert? Or does the truth come out and Aaron and Liv leave with Chas and they all go away for varying amounts of time? Like...???? I hate this show so much, the timing of all this makes NO sense. LOL.................(I laugh, or else I’d cry - again). I also suspect Lucy has filmed a lot of scenes that will air further into the future than what we think.

On top of all that, I just cannot imagine ANY possible scenario that would have Aaron forgiving Robert for this. Aaron could forgive Robert a random, I think, but not HER. Never her. That’s what makes this all so unbelievably BAD and tragic.

Like I said above...I know how soaps work - I’ve been watching them off and on for 25 years. American soaps no less where there are literally no rules, where tired cliches and the worst of the soap tropes RULE THE DAY, where there’s little to no character development at all, and where lazy plotty-ness is applauded and often awarded. I KNOW how things go with daily dramas. The difference here is that Emmerdale knowingly played with fan expectation. They pulled the rug out from under us just weeks after making us all putty in their hands with that pointless wedding, and all that press and such. It was extremely cruel and unnecessary. Also? I simply thought the show was better than this kind of cheap drama.

I didn’t expect Robert and Aaron to go untouched or to be exempt from shitty soap plots; I didn’t expect them not to have relationship struggles. But I had hoped so hard that they would be free of the boring as hell cheating story. That any struggles they faced would be something exterior - something they could face together with some angst and arguments along the way. I guess some could argue since the circumstances around this event are extreme and have nothing to do with feelings or lack thereof that it’s not a typical cheating storyline. But still. Aaron was supposed to be different. The number of times Robert assured him, and told him how much he meant...I can’t believe any of that anymore.

We the audience know Robert’s struggle. We know his emotional state and honest to goodness regret over the event, and that it happened with HER. But Aaron can’t see that, and won’t see that, and he shouldn’t have to see that. Which is why I just cannot fathom HOW this can possible be made okay again.

I think, for me, this all would be so much easier to handle right now if that damn fucking wedding (which has been forever tarnished for me, so great job show) hadn’t happened. If the show hadn’t spent all that time and energy to tout this event so much. I just don’t understand WHY???? Why did EVERYTHING have to happen RIGHT NOW??? If they wanted Lucy and Isobel around for a wedding, they should have postponed it to when both were back. Because this...they’ve ruined it. For me...it’s ruined and possibly forever. I mean, am I wrong?

This is why, last fall, I fought with myself so hard against wanting or accepting an engagement or a wedding so soon. Because I knew, as soon as they were *happy*, then things would go to shit and they’d be broken. That’s how it is for popular soap couples. They don’t get happiness for any length of time. Ever. And so I should have known, or expected this. Except I thought the STRUGGLE for this current period was just prison. Not prison, and drugs, and cheating. Like.... TOO MUCH SHOW. Just one of those three things would have been enough. There was really NO NEED TO PILE IT ON. NONE AT ALL.

This is also why I tried so hard not to assume anything about Mill. The show made a point to say it was Liv’s money buying the house. There was never anything said about it being Robert’s, too. Just because there was a set didn’t mean Robert would be living there. But...I kept my mouth shut because who likes rain on their parade? Now I wonder...did they seriously build that set just for what happened last week? because if so? Fuck You Emmerdale. Truly and Sincerely, ME.

I try so hard to stay positive here - which is why I’m not really around right now. I’m not positive. I’m broken and upset and angry. I’ve lost all interest in making content. I’ve blacklisted all the tags because I can’t bare to even look at a single gifset. At all. I can’t watch any old clips because it all feels like manipulative lies. I don’t know when (if) that’ll change. As it is, right now I CANNOT WAIT for non-Robron episodes.

...this is just a small part of what’s been circling in my head the last four(ish) days. Writing this out has made me feel a teeny bit better - but not much. Sigh. If you read this all, thank you. I know there are things I missed and points I probably meant to make or expand on that I lost in the stream of my consciousness...

Though perhaps everyone is sick to death of talking about it. In which case, you probably didn’t get this far in the first place.

#.#..#...#....#.....#I should have done this sooner - this was quite cathartic.#but really I wasn't in the right head-space to do this sooner so... i guess i did it right on time.#blah blah blah me #March 16 2017 #March 17 2017 #Emmerdale Today #(kinda sorta)

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fresh-princess-is-here · 7 years

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Can you do a hurt/comfort that turns into fluff prompt 2 about nalu??

ooft. this is going to be a tricky one.

Prompt 2: Date Me, Don’t Break Me.

Rating: T+ (swearing)

Words: 1,817

Lucy closed her eyes, tears forming stubbornly as the harsh sun annoyingly scorched her skin. She sat on the steps outside of Natsu’s fighting studio, after coming up with the idea to surprise him.

What she hadn’t expected was a nameless brunette who kissed him playfully and giggled at all his stupid jokes.

She had watched for only a few minutes but it was enough to cause her heart to throb and burn at the sight of it.

She knew that Natsu and her weren’t exclusive. It was that simple. They had both agreed to date other people, because at the time, Lucy hadn’t wanted a boy-friend and Natsu just wanted to have fun.

That was over a year ago.

Now, after spending so much time with Natsu, she realized she had made a mistake.

She cared about him, more than a friend should have, and never one to beat around the bush, she wanted to confront him and tell him how she felt. She wasn’t particularly confident that he would return it, but at least he would know.

And if he didn’t return it, she could get out knowing she tried and failed.

But when she had created this plan and ran through the possible scenario’s, it never occurred to her that she’d see one of his other… girls.

She couldn’t be entirely unfair to him, she had dated as well. A few here and there, nothing of substance, nothing that made her feel the way Natsu did. But that was just it, Natsu might have enjoyed her company but it wasn’t enough.

Lucy would never be enough for a guy like Natsu, so how could she compete with the brunette bomb-shell in there, throwing herself all over him?

“Luce?” Lucy’s spine stilled at the familiar voice and her heart shrunk as she opened her eyes, hurried wiping away the few tears that escaped before standing up slowly.

She didn’t bother to turn around, focusing on taking long, deep breathes as she chirped, “Hi Natsu!”

“Hey, what are you doing here?”

She gulped, her voice coming out with a slight tremor, “Oh, I just came to surprise you. But you were busy, so I was going to head home.”

After having a celebratory pity part for how painful her heart felt, of course.

“Don’t head home. We can go get a bite to each. I’m on my lunch break.” Natsu offered, and she could feel his warm smile. She clenched her hands tightly, before laughing sheepishly.

“I can’t, actually. I have to get back home and write another chapter.”

“You’ve been procrastinating writing that chapter for weeks now Luce, hang out with me and I’ll give you some inspiration.” Natsu teased and she felt tears swim in her eyes.

“I’m sorry Natsu, but not today.”

Lucy took a deep breath in before stating, “I’ve really got to focus on getting this book done so I won’t be able to hang out with you anymore.” She stopped herself, stifling a sob at the ache in her bones. It was like her body was rejecting her plan to cut things off right now, to not put herself through the whole ‘unrequited love’ thing.

“Lucy?” Natsu questioned, his voice now concerned as she rushed out, “Sorry, but I have to go. And I can’t talk later so please don’t message me.”

Her mind shouted at her, calling her a coward but she ignored it and jogged down the last of the steps and rushing off.

She didn’t get far down the path towards the town when a warm hand grasped her wrist and stopped her.

“Lucy, what’s wrong? It sounds like you are… I’d say breaking up with me, but we aren’t together.”

“Nothing is wrong. I’m just really busy and can’t afford distractions.” She rambled, as Natsu murmured thoughtfully.

“Distractions…”

She tugged on her wrist, keeping her face pointed away from his as he stated, “Turn around.”

Her heart stammered at his firm but gentle tone, and she fought against it, “Why?”

“Just do it Luce, please.”

She wiped at her eyes before turning on her heel, surprised at how quickly she caved. Despite having wiped her eyes, she knew what he saw. She was an ugly crier. Something he would have teased her about in any situation other than this one.

Her cheeks turned red, her eyes went blotchy and her nose would even dribble if she had been holding it in for a while.

His dark penetrative gaze searched her face for a moment before his other hand reached up to her face, wiping a thumb against the tear marks.

“Who did this to you?” He asked, brows cinched forward in anger. She almost laughed.

Always so quick to protect me.

Even from himself.

She tugged on the hand around her wrist but he just tightened his grip, watching her expectantly.

She stammered out an excuse, “I’m fine. Nothing is wrong.”

“Lucy. Tell me what happened? Who made you cry?”

You.

You did.

She sniffled and fought to make her voice strong, “It’s my fault.”

“No it’s not.” He argued and she laughed bitterly.

“You don’t even know what happened.”

“I know you well enough that if it’s not your fault, you’ll blame it on yourself.” He stated and she shook her head, ripping her wrist from his grasp forcefully.

“But it is my fault.” She hissed, becoming easily frustrated at how easy she was to cry. She held onto the anger that suddenly burned through her body as he watched her closely.

“What did you do then?”

His question made her scoff, and she ran her hands through her hair, a trait she had been trying to rid herself of.

“It’s my fault that I didn’t see how I felt for you before it was too late. I don’t have any right to get upset, even though that brunette was all over you - I can’t get angry or jealous because you aren’t mine and it makes me upset and pissed that I made this stupid rule that we could date other people because I’ve only just realized that I want you. I don’t want to share, I don’t want to act like it doesn’t bother me. And I came here today to tell you how I felt but when I opened that door, all I saw was her. With her stupid pretty hair, and her stupid sparkling smile and now I look like a damn insane person because I noticed those things. And she even laughed at those horrible jokes you seem to think are so funny, which they aren’t at all. But that’s what you do when you are interested in someone, you act like they are the greatest person to be around and I can’t do that because-”

She cut herself off upon seeing the amused smile on his lips, the way his eyes gazed into her soul.

“You like me.” He clarified and she shook her head.

“No, I’m not allowed to like you. God, don’t you listen?” She snapped, crossing her arms over her chest which was tricky considering how endowed she was in the breast area.

He tilted his head, “Why aren’t you allowed to like me? You are your own person Luce, every-time I tell you, you aren’t allowed to do something, you go and do it. That’s kind of one of your flaws.”

“That is not true.”

“You can’t sit down in the middle of the path.” He told her and she screwed her face up, forgetting the conversation they just had for a few moments.

“Why?”

“You just can’t.”

“Bite me Natsu, I can do whatever the fuck I want.” She dropped herself down and sat crossed legged, glaring at the pavement. She then groaned when she realized he had played her like a damn fiddle.

Tears attacked her from nowhere, sliding down her face as she realized how hopeless she was against him. She ignored him when he sat down opposite her. She kept her gaze glued to the ground.

“Luce, please don’t cry.” He murmured, reaching forward and using his fingers to wipe them away. She didn’t fight him, just closed her eyes and relished in the feel of his warm rough fingertips on her skin.

“I can’t do unrequited love for you Natsu, I can’t.” Her voice broke and he moved closer.

“Hey, I’m not asking you too.” He hushed her, as she struggled to keep her sobs from reaching her throat. He cupped her face, swiping his thumbs over her cheeks and murmured lowly.

“I hate seeing you cry.”

“It’s not the greatest feeling either, Natsu.” She leaned into his soft touch as he chuckled roughly.

“The girl in the studio?”

Lucy tensed but nodded quietly.

“If she hadn’t been there, what were you going to say to me?”

Lucy swallowed, “I was going to ask you to be my boyfriend.”

“Just like that?”

“I don’t plan heartfelt speeches out.” She informed him, bringing her hand to wipe at her nose, “Practiced words lack feeling.”

He was quiet before he stated, “It’s shit like that, that makes me glad I fell in love with you.”

“Shit like what?” She wondered, her brain working slowly as he chuckled, “Sometimes you say things, or do things that remind me how much I fucking love you. Just things that show your soul, because I know everything you say, you mean.”

She opened her mouth to agree before what he said finally caught up to her. Her eyes shot up to his and noticed the amused grin on his lips.

“You just said you loved me.”

“I did.” He rubbed his thumb against her bottom lip and she blinked, “How long have you loved me for?”

“I think it was when I broke my arm and you slapped me over the head and told me to man up.” He told her and she laughed, the noise a little lighter as her heart did a hopeful skip.

“It wasn’t a break. It was a sprained wrist and one torn ligament.”

“It hurt.” He grinned as she shook her head, leaning forward, “If you love me, does that mean…?”

“Yeah. No more dating other people. Simple as that.”

“Dating each other, exclusively. With pet names.”

“We already have pet names.”

“But now, I don’t have to worry about the brunette also having a pet name, Peach.” Lucy stated, smiling when he laughed at his pet-name that she had appointed him a few months ago.

“I hadn’t realized you were the jealous type, Vanilla.”

“I’m not.” She denied, before pressing her lips to his, “I just don’t like sharing as much as I used too.”

dun.

let me know what you think!

the other prompts are here:x

stay fresh!

#fresh writes #nalu fanfiction #natsu x lucy #nalu fairy tail #natsu dragneel #lucy heartfilia #fairy tail nalu

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