#helmer being gone hurts but for some reason it feels like my body does not allow me to grief properly
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#need to vent somewhere might as well do it here#I'm honestly not doing well#I've always tried to keep positive no matter how grim it all looked but I'm so tired#I can laugh about things and enjoy things#but everything seems deafened somehow#helmer being gone hurts but for some reason it feels like my body does not allow me to grief properly#not in the way it needs to#whenever I feel a strong emotion if feels like I'm suffocating or put in a room too small for me#doesn't help that physically I've been in a downward spiral for a while now#I was already tired and depressed for a few years but when I got covid a few months ago after managing to avoid it for 3 years it amplified#since covid allergies have become more severe to the point I can barely go outside when there are a few pollen in the air#other physical issues I had also seemed to have gotten worse#I'm tired all the time and unable to maintain social contacts I really want to maintain#I've been unable to draw like I used to because it tires me out too much#I'm not sure how to claw myself out of this hole#I'll keep trying but fucking hell I'm so exhausted#I'm also very worried for my dad and his health#I don't want to talk too much about it right now but it's bad#as in the doctor gave him a year a year ago bad#I love my dad very much and I'm scared
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