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jawnjendes · 5 years

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kiss me | shawn mendes

university au its suMMER, shawn x goth gf/oc

AN: what would yall say if i was almost done with this series but not with this couple? what if the next chapter was like uuuuuuhhhhhhh a season finale or sumn? anyways let me know if u wanna be added to the taglist

masterlist | playlist

"Kiss me," I said to Shawn, placing my arm on top of the couch cushion so I could look at him.

He was mindlessly playing guitar, a sight that brought me some peace of mind. He returned my gaze, still strumming for a second, and then he stopped. Then, he leaned forward and quickly pecked my lips before returning to his previous task.

I mean, I got what I wanted, but I didn't. Typically a peck would turn into another peck, and that would turn into a deep kiss. Then Shawn would put is his guitar down, wrap his arms around my waist, and pin me to the couch. Or he would simply carry me to his bedroom. It was a thing we had going on, and it always started with those two simple words. That was where my mind spiraled in the thirty seconds I spent staring at him play guitar like nothing happened.

I made a whiney noise. I never made whiney noises.

"Hmm?" His noise was almost imitating mine, and he was amused.

"Kiss me more," I said, reaching up to stroke his hair. My fingers went down to his earlobe, and then the side of his neck. I knew he liked little touches like that, he just had to take the bait.

To my surprise, Shawn tilted his head away. "I'm kind of onto something right now."

I only felt a blow to my stomach because he hadn't been working on anything in the time he had been sitting on the couch. He was just strumming whatever came to mind. But I let it go for now, and I kept my hands to myself.

Don't get me wrong, I was so beyond grateful that Shawn let me move in with him and looked after me while I recovered from my surgery. I was just upset that all this stuff hit while we were smack in the middle of the lovesick phase. Things like sickness and major life disruptions are ugly and have the potential to pop the wonderful lovesick bubble and tear apart perfectly good relationships, or in this case, the only good relationship I've ever had. I was in the hospital for a week and a half, for something that's relatively common. No one ever said there would be things to mentally face after.

We weren't torn apart, but there was a bend somewhere between us.

I didn't know how to segue into a serious conversation, so I didn't bother to sugar coat it. "I'm gonna open up about something, okay?"

That caught Shawn's attention. He set his guitar down so it was leaning on the arm of the couch. He shifted his whole body towards me, indicating that he was listening.

"It's… it's been a while since we've had sex," I started. "And, I understand why. I was physically unable to for a while, and then we had a lot of visitors here, so we didn't have any alone time. We're tired all the time because of work and…" I paused. I didn't want to put any blame on Shawn about his nightmares. "Point is, I'm okay now. The incisions healed perfectly. And… I miss that part of us."

Shawn nodded and considered my words. "Is sex the only reason why you decided to open up now?"

Another blow. I just may need another surgery! "It's not just that… things feel weird between us. We used to talk more."

For some reason, he smiled. Then he reached for his guitar again. "Tables have turned, eh?"

Just punch me in the face instead!

I was careful not to try anything that Shawn wasn't comfortable with over the next twenty four hours. I kept my hands to myself, and I didn't ask for any kisses. Although, I was secretly hoping one of us would have to leave somewhere so that way I could get a simple goodbye kiss, but alas. Our weekend off was going to be mundane.

It was interesting that Shawn moved closer to me on the couch when I specifically kept a sizable distance between us. He put his arm around me as we watched one of the Harry Potter movies, but I couldn't focus on the TV. My mind kept going back to riding Shawn on this couch, or both of us being so hot we'd end up on the floor. My skin felt tingly just by how he played with strands of my hair while he had his arm around me. His fingers would occasionally graze the side of my jaw, and it left a trail of fire.

I lied my head on his shoulder, only to have the smell of his cologne dance under my nose. My arm went around his middle, giving him a random hug. He rubbed my back in response, but he was still focused on the movie.

He surprised me once it was over. "I thought about what you said yesterday…"

"Oh?"

"You're right. It's been two months too long since anything's happened between us," he continued. "And I miss it too. I miss feeling that close to you."

A mix of relief and excitement washed over me. So I wasn't overreacting. I wasn't coming off too strong.

"You don't have to agree to anything if you don't want to," I told him. "It's - uh, I want us both to have fun."

He smiled and rubbed my cheek with his thumb. "It's always fun with you."

My face immediately went hot, and I leaned in to properly kiss him. Shawn leaned in as well, and the seconds slowed down. My heart was pounding more and more the closer we got, it reminded me so much of our first kiss. The nerves were there, the tense silence was deafening. Inadvertently staying true to the event of our first kiss, I suddenly leaned back.

"Should we go to the room?" I asked, my voice wavering just a little.

"Yeah. Yeah, good idea," Shawn said. He stood up, and I followed him into the room.

My eyes trailed over to the unmade bed as I gingerly approached it. The only things that happened under these blue sheets lately were depression naps and nightmares. I wanted that to change tonight. I wanted to replace the bad memories with good ones.

Shawn closed the door and walked over to where I stood. He rubbed his hands on his gym shorts, and he looked at my face. We reach for each other's hands at the same time, but it felt more staged and awkward than anything else, so we both left our hands at our sides.

"I just got nervous all of a sudden," he admitted.

"Me too." I chuckled. "Like, first date jitters, but not…?"

"Exactly like first date jitters. Okay…"

Shawn put his hands up again, looking at me like he didn't know what to do next. I took half a step closer to him, and that made him place his hands on my shoulders. It was such a timid move, and so different as well. Normally, he would cup my face or wrap his arms around my waist. I had never seen him hold back like this.

"Kiss me," I said softly, looking him in the eyes.

I gently took his wrists as he closed the distance between us. Our lips met in a soft touch, hesitant even. I missed the simple act of kissing him so much that I would be content with just doing this all night. However, it only lasted about five seconds before Shawn stepped back, head facing the floor.

"I'm sorry, honey…"

My stomach sank a little, and my throat stung a lot, but I swallowed the gut wrenching feeling of rejection. I took a deep breath while Shawn wasn't looking, and then I stepped towards him again.

"It's okay, really," I reassured, keeping my voice even. "We don't have to do anything you don't wanna do."

The following day, when I had gotten out of the shower, I found myself looking at my reflection in the mirror. More specifically, I was looking at the little round scars on my belly.

Three of them were little dots on the left side of my abdomen, almost invisible to the eye. It was a benefit of having a laparoscopic surgery; Less pain and a quick recovery. However, the other two scars were 3 inch lines below my belly button, practically one large line if you didn't focus on it. That was where the complications were dealt with, and that was what kept me from going home.

I dealt with that setback, and now I was okay with staying here at Shawn's until the next semester began. Sure, there was some tension and arguing in the process, but we were past it. I was making peace with this whole ordeal. I was going to be home for Christmas. Probably.

Looking at my scars in the mirror planted an unpleasant seed in my mind. I realized that Shawn didn't touch me as often as he normally did. Even after my doctor cleared me for all physical activity, Shawn kept a distance. He was in a state where he normally would have liked to lay his head on my chest while I played with his hair, but these days, I was lucky if he put his arm around my shoulders. Was he avoiding my torso altogether, or was I just going crazy? Were my scars ugly to him, or was I losing my mind?

That thought alone struck something in my chest. I quickly got dressed in my tiny black shorts and baggy black tee, trying not to look at my reflection again. I tried to reassure myself that I still looked cute in my pajamas, scars or not. I wasn't one for depending on a man's approval of my appearance, but this was my mans.

It's still pathetic, a voice in my head grumbled. You used to be a bad bitch with no fucks to give before he came along. Look what he's done to you.

I didn't want to feel inadequate or unattractive, but it was setting heavily on my shoulders. I didn't want to think about the idea of my boyfriend being repulsed by my body, but it was demanding to be felt. I didn't want to think about how Shawn could easily walk out the door, into a bar, and find some random girl…

"Why is that familiar?" I whispered.

I checked the time on my phone. Shawn should be off work already. He should be on his way home now.

I padded into the living room with intent to play on my Switch to distract myself. I booted up Tetris 99, the fun upbeat music filling up the room from the TV. However, my ears were stuck on listening to the front door unlock. My eyes didn't blink once as I stacked shapes on top of one another to clear lines. Still, there was that tiny whisper in the back of my mind wondering what the hell was taking my boyfriend so goddamn long.

The game ended when I couldn't stack efficiently anymore. I ranked number twenty nine, and I couldn't even be upset at how unfair the game was. I closed the game and went to open Breath of the Wild, but I already knew it wasn't going to distract me. I remained still, controller in my hand - the controller Shawn had gifted me - just waiting for any sound that indicated he was home. I definitely couldn't text him, because it was very unlike me to be waiting on him all the time. I was not the controlling girlfriend who constantly needed tabs on where her boyfriend was every minute, but so help me god if he wasn't home in the next few minutes…

My shoulders dropped and relaxed when I heard the familiar sound of the lock jiggling. Then, I looked at the time on my phone. 5:47PM. That's interesting.

"You in the mood for pasta?" Shawn's voice came from the hallway. "That's all I got for today."

He stepped into the living room and sat next to me on the couch, like he did every day. As always, he kissed my cheek and then leaned over to the coffee table to place the to-go bag on the surface. Words came up before I could stop them.

"Do you think I'm ugly?" Oh god, it wasn't supposed to come out like that. That was not the question I was supposed to ask.

Shawn was just as surprised as I was. His head swiftly turned to me, brows furrowed, but he also chuckled in disbelief. "What?"

My face began to heat up. This got embarrassing in record time. "I have scars now, and I think they're kind of badass. But you won't even look at me if I change in the same room as you. And you haven't had your hands on me in weeks. I'm just confused…" And my insecurity grows by the second. It's kind of scaring me.

"I think you're as beautiful as ever," he told me, taking my hand. "And I'm sorry I've been less… touchy. I really didn't think you'd have a problem with it, since you're not the touchy type."

"Well…" I trailed off, but he was right. He was right, and I felt attacked. But he was wrong at the same time. "Yeah, yeah. I guess."

"And aside from that," Shawn continued as he casually grabbed the box of pasta from the table, "I wouldn't wanna disturb your wounds. Don't wanna make anything worse."

I tilted my head. "You won't. I've been cleared for physical activity for weeks now. I mean, we can go slow and gentle if you want."

"I don't wanna hurt you again."

His words rang in the room. The TV was on, but I couldn't even hear the sounds anymore. I could only stare with my mouth open, eyes wide like that stupid emoji.

Shawn met my gaze, so he elaborated. "Do you remember the last time we had sex? You literally cried out in pain, and you pushed me away, and you told me to shut up when I tried to help you. And you spent the whole night in the bathroom. I knew you weren't feeling well, and I still talked you into getting into bed with me. I shouldn't have convinced you to spend the night, I should have just let you deal with your stuff on your own."

Just when I thought I couldn't feel worse about the big picture, I was met with that gross tightness in my chest yet again. That explained a lot of his distant behavior. But to know he carried all this guilt because of the way I acted shattered me to pieces.

"No," I said in a tone that matched the expression on my face. "No, it wasn't because of you. I was already in pain before we did anything. I felt pain when we were leaving the movie theater that night. You didn't do anything, not a single thing."

“But you said-”

“I say stupid things when I’m in pain. And, and I told you that night, I deal with my digestive crap on my own, so I wasn’t used to someone trying to help. I’m sorry if you thought you did something wrong. You didn’t.”

“I didn’t?” he asked softly, looking at me with big, sad eyes.

“You didn’t.”

Shawn’s sad brown eyes flickered down to my stomach. He had his mouth open like he wanted to say something, but it came out timidly. “You’re so fragile now. I feel like I’ll break you if I touch you the wrong way.”

“Hey.” I got to my feet and stood directly in front of him. Then, I held out my hand, giving him an expectant look.

He hesitated. He hesitated to simply hold my hand. But he did it. I felt sparks where our skin met, and it traveled up my arm. At least there was still something there.

“You trust me, right?” I asked.

He nodded. “Yeah. Yes. I trust you.”

That was all I needed in order to lift up my shirt, lower my sweatpants an inch, and place Shawn’s big hand over my scars. He gasped at first, nearly retracting, but he stared at the placement for a second. His thumb ran over the three little dots on my left side, and he slowly moved his fingers down to the more prominent lines below my belly button. It made my skin tingle, and reignited fires that had long since been put out.

His brows scrunched like he was focusing on my scars, but he took a deep breath as the pink patches in his cheeks began to flare up. Honestly, I couldn’t really blame him. Neither of us had touched or been touched in weeks. We were practically starving.

“Look, I’m all healed and better now,” I told him. “I’m not fragile, and I’m certainly not weak. I’m a strong lady. And you’re a strong guy. We’re strong together. And you did everything right. And I’m sorry I’ve stressed you out over all of this. I, I didn’t mean to place the entire burden on you.”

Shawn considered my words and nodded. He was still looking at my stomach, tracing his first two fingers over the biggest scar. “I’d do it all again. I’d do anything for you.” Then he tilted his head up towards my face, his brown eyes boring into mine. “You know that, right? I’ll bear any burden for you.”

“I’d do the same for you,” I said, my voice barely a whisper. I cupped his face affectionately, and I leaned down to kiss him on the forehead.

This was way more intimate than any sex we’ve ever had. That was all I knew.

"I have trust issues, and silence makes me crazy," I reminded him. "We can't not talk to each other."

He nodded and brought a hand up to my wrist. "Okay."

Things felt just a little weird the next morning. It almost felt like the morning after I spent the night for the first time, except I wasn’t overwhelmed with the urge to run away, and there was no cuddling. Besides, we slept with reasonable space between us when I didn’t have to wake Shawn from another nightmare. I only had to wake him up twice during the night, so we had a less difficult time getting up for work than usual. We got ready in a not-so-awkward silence (apart from the soft music Shawn played from his phone), kissed goodbye, and went our separate ways.

I didn’t get a follow up on his thoughts on putting his hand on me for the first time in two months. I felt it was something you probably shouldn’t talk about through text over your lunch break. Shawn didn’t text me either, unless it was to send a picture of a flower he thought was really cool. It was like we didn’t have a breakthrough the previous night. Would that even be called a breakthrough? I had to initiate the touching of my scars, after all.

As usual, I got home from work after he did. He already had food spread out on the coffee table. Today, I had texted him that I could have something other than bland rice or pasta, so he came through with Chinese. I chowed down on combination fried rice, nearly bursting into tears over how much I missed flavorful food. We watched Austin Powers on Netflix and caught each other up to speed on our work days. Shawn mentioned that he was going over to the studio tomorrow to write and record new songs, and my heart nearly stopped.

“You’re writing again?” I said in pleasant disbelief.

“I never really stopped,” he replied. “I just took a bit of a break with everything going on. You can come too, if you want.”

I smiled. “Really? I won’t be in the way?”

He shook his head, mildly amused. “You’re never in the way. I love having you around, even if you’re sitting quietly and playing the Switch.”

We cuddled on the couch after we ate and finished our movie in a good kind of silence. It felt good, like a bit of the old puppy love phase was returning. I mean, I felt giddy lying on his chest and hearing his heartbeat, I just couldn’t tell if he was into it too. It was such a nice moment, I didn’t want to ask for fear of tainting it. I had to savor the soft moments, considering that lately things have been anything but.

After the movie, I went to shower and get ready for bed. It was nine o’clock in the middle of the week, and I was exhausted. Not only that, Shawn had to put himself on a stricter sleep schedule in order to properly combat the night terrors, so we both went to bed and woke up at the same time. Well, I tried to, but Shawn needed to.

It was practically a routine now for me to come out of the bathroom, lie down next to an unfairly topless Shawn, and for him to turn off the lamp on the nightstand. I completed the first two tasks, but the light hadn’t gone off yet. I shifted onto my side (a small thing I had missed doing for weeks) and looked up at him. He was sitting up against the headboard, scrolling through his phone. I poked his arm gently.

“Time for bed, my dear,” I reminded him.

Shawn looked down at me, a small smile on his pretty face. He put his phone down and then lied down facing me. The light was still on. “What would I do without you?”

“Let’s hope we never find out,” I replied. “Now turn off the light so you can sleep.”

“In a minute,” he said, reaching over to move a strand of hair from my face. “I wanna try something.”

“I - what?”

Delicately, Shawn pushed on my shoulder to get me onto my back. Then, he scooted closer and propped himself up on his elbow, looking down at me with an expression I couldn’t quite read. Since when was he the mysterious one in this relationship?

“Can I touch your scars again?” he asked, his voice low.

My heartbeat sped up almost immediately. I nodded a little too quickly, and was about to lift up my shirt but he beat me to it.

His hand went over my entire abdomen, not just the scars. He moved slowly, and a tingling sensation was left behind wherever his fingers roamed. I wiggled my toes from under the blanket, hoping Shawn wouldn’t notice just how much a simple touch could control my entire body. I was so deprived of skin on skin contact that I would probably combust from this alone.

After a minute of tensely quiet touching, Shawn removed his hand. However, before I could catch my breath, he dipped his head down and pressed his lips onto one of the little dots on my abdomen. The sound and feeling of soft suction heated up my entire face, so much I had to bring my hand up to mask how red I was getting. He did it again on the two other dots underneath the first, and then he was nosing his way down to the vertical line under my belly button. Surely he had to know how close he was to the most intimate part of my body. He wasn’t just being overly affectionate and chaste, right?

He picked his head up again, meeting my eyes. He was smiling now, and it was the charming, boyish smile I loved so much but would never dare speak of. His face looked innocent, like he wasn’t close to anything dangerous and exhilarating. The tone of his next question matched this facade, but the words were something else.

“Can I go lower?”

“Ah - yes,” I answered too quickly, but it was coherent enough for him to continue.

Soft kisses trailed down the vertical scar, and then his lips met the hem of my boring purple granny panties. Shawn moved just a little lower, planting a deeper kiss on the mound, just above where I wanted him to touch me. Another kiss went on my hip bone, and then at the crease of my thigh and groin. Then his hand was on my inner thigh, nudging me to spread my legs.

“Need the open space, honey,” he told me, hovering over me and slotting our legs together.

Even with our thighs touching this close, he was still a centimeter away from where I needed him. And oh god, did I need him. I was panting with want and need.

My hand was still covering my mouth, hiding the blush on my cheeks and the fact that I was chewing furiously on my bottom lip. Shawn was looking down at me with what I could only describe as bedroom eyes. Narrowed just a little bit, accompanied by a cheeky grin and a quirk of his eyebrows. My heart was close to bursting, I almost couldn’t take it.

“Hey,” he said softly, taking my hand and unshielding my face. Then he lowered himself down so our foreheads pressed together gently, and my breath hitched.

My hands went up his abs and around his lower back, fingers curling into the firm muscles. My body felt like it was vibrating at incredible speed. I shut my eyes and tried to focus on the simple touches, but my entire world imploded when Shawn spoke once more.

“Kiss me.”

_____

taglist: @normalcyisoverrated-beyou @ilsolee @mendesromano @1-800-khalid-mendussy @kitykatnumber @strangerliaa @iloveshawnieboi

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes blurb #shawn mendes smut #shawn x goth gf #shawn mendes x oc #heheheeheheheheheheheheheehehehehehehehee #cant wait for this chapter and the next one to get more attention than the entire series as a whole!!!!!!!!!!#jkjkjkjkjkjkjk i lov the validation regardless #anyways i think i may revamp the playlist #not that anyone listens to it lulz

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