#health was... which i informed her was pretty bad bc it was just after COVID had started and im recently unmedicated after over a decade of | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mieczyhale · 4 years

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a messy explanation of things and unnecessary information about life lately

soooo... right. i’m sorry i haven’t really been around aside from popping in here and there, and that i’ve been taking longer than usual to reply to things / not replying to things at all. it’s NOT that i’m upset with anyone or trying to ignore / avoid anyone, and it’s not that i don’t care / don’t love talking to you (whomstever you may be) i love chatting with y’all and wish i could get myself to reply to things quicker but i do not control the me lmfao honestly my sleep has never had a schedule but in recent weeks it’s kinda been operating like there’s a lil gremlin in my head who spins a wheel and picks my sleeping times at random - and it’s either like.. two hours or most of a day. there hasn’t been a lot of in between so that’s a thing!!

also in a fun added mix of maybe sleep?, missing meds, being stuck in the house more often than not, and the FUCKING EVERYTHING happening in the world right now my mental health is... probably run by the same goblin that runs my sleep schedule lmao consistency whomst?? since the lockdown started the depression has of course been around more but actually, worse than that, is how my anxiety - and by extension: my ocd - have really amped up and i need y’all to know that the struggle is painfully real (and another thing that affects shit like my replies and writing. reading as well. fics have been kinda stressful and that should be illegal. who authorized this?) i don’t hate talking about it but i don’t really like it either?? especially like.. in depth. but i will say there has been crying, screaming, pain!, and i’ve acquired a few physical injuries.

yeah

on a personal level - a ‘just me’ level - shit is an even bigger mess than usual lmao but all these things will get better eventually - they always do.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

NOW

ON A PERSONAL LEVEL - THE FULL LEVEL - THINGS.... are pretty great actually! i mean aside from the state of my fucking house e__e but Josh has been working from home for two (2) months now and it’s been really nice - people complaining about their partners being home?? can’t relate. yknow what?? i just might love that tall bastard even more from all this.fuck all y’all miserable fucks

we’ve been going out for drives and we’ve gone fishing and the only place i’ve gone too that’s re-opened is goodwill. because i require.. the shop. they do have a masks required rule! (at least at the one here) and, alongside that, the places we’ve gone that never closed (like grocery stores and the gas station and the hardware store) have social distancing rules and stuff in place which i love. can we keep social distancing after this is all over?? more things here in wisconsin are opening up and we might go to some. idk though. we also might not. either way its still a weird kind of exciting to see things opening back up?? even though i do think we’re not totally in the clear because most of our gov. sucks (our mayor tried to extend our stay-at-home order - keyword there is TRIED. we are the land of cheese, cows, and no fucking braincells for anyone)

having pets is obviously not a new thing for me but it’s still a thing. so it takes time and effort and energy and patience and love and a certain disregard for your own safety (claws. they really be as sharp as you think) so... it can be stressful, especially cuz we’ve had to keep them inside more as it gets hot out and something keeps breaking our porch screens (our cats are allowed onto our screened in porch or they can go out in a harness but we will never let them run free outside. fuck that noise) my bbies are all so cute and their personalities and idiosyncrasies are just... *chefs kiss* i love em and they’re definitely a part of what has made quarantine better

i’ve seen my mom a few times, like for my birthday and when she needed help moving Isaiah from one dorm to another and such, but that’s primarily been an option because she has become anti-mask and anti-stay-at-home-order. initially she wasn’t - she gave Isaiah and i fun lil masks since at that time trying to buy them would be impossible and she thought nothing of staying home - but i guess either as its dragged on or as she’s consumed her middle-right wing news that changed s o. she does take social distancing in public very seriously though, so at least there’s that. our favorite coffee shop, where we - pre-lockdown - always went one (1) or two (2) times a week to do art for hours re-opens on monday and that’s one of the few things i’ve truly missed.

josh’s camping trip for this weekend with his friends had to be cancelled because the parks weren’t going to open in time. so today they’re going somewhere to do at least some of the things they would have done if they had gone camping. bikes, bonfires, and cigars. i’m kinda jealous negl but he was really excited about it so mostly i’m happy

trying to figure out how human services was running things during lockdown was rough but thankfully it didn’t take much to get it sorted. mostly because my mom made the phone call i was supposed to lol (the phone anxiety is on its own level) so wednesday afternoon my mom sat with me while i had the appointment with my psychiatrist over speakerphone (which was.. an experience)

ummm.....

OH YEAH! Probably absolutely my favorite thing that’s happened is: WE’RE STARTING THE SEARCH FOR A NEW HOUSE!!!! it doesn’t mean we’re gonna be moving soon or anything, we don’t want to make the same mistake twice (buying the first house you tour that you love) because while it is a great house ultimately it is way too small for us. i mean there’s me and josh, all six cats, and ALL OUR SHIT. listen: i have an entire room dedicated to my various hobbies. and a walk in closet that isn’t big enough. and we both have collections we love and want to display (right now upstairs its hello kitty and downstairs its astronomy and the titanic. and then there’s pop figures, mtg, collectibles, our bottle collection and various knickknacks, etc.) plus all our books! then furniture and cat furniture (i.e towers) and all their shit because they are spoiled babies. and god forbid we ever have a human kid?? yeah. it’s just not big enough.

so we’re gonna take more time with this choice but what we do know is:: we wanna live out in the country (i’m paranoid and don’t like to be looked at and he loves the outdoors, lived on a farm for awhile. i also enjoy the outdoors but mostly since we moved into this house i’ve struggled with doing anything outside... while we only have one neighbor on our road. but there’s one across the road and one at the other side of our backyard and that’s just too much lol)

lets see.. um.... my birthday was may 2nd and that was pretty nice, for a pandemic birthday. there’s been a lot of stuff happening involving josh’s family but that’s not something i really wanna get into on here, tho i will say things have been better in recent weeks and it’s been... really nice. josh and i went to his mom’s house the other night and got drunk with her for fun and i actually had a really good time?? and didn’t complain about going?? that’s kinda unheard of.

i don’t have a job anymore - haven’t since early march-ish - and it kinda sucks but also the universe really did me a solid because my choices were either allow myself to work until i have a mental break again or quit. and i was leaning towards quitting (things had been going down hill with the owner and other employees and just the business as a whole for awhile and there’s a limit to the amount of bullshit i can take thanks) but now it doesn’t seem i have to. why do i think i’m jobless? i was barely working anyway, bc of the snow business was slow, and in march i got really sick and stayed home for a week. the day i was supposed to go back i was still sick, and covid19 was starting to become more of a serious situation everywhere, so josh called in for me and explained that between still being sick and my anxiety over covid (asthma + a not so great immune system) i wasn’t going in that day. i never heard from them again. so.

but it’s all good - there are some options but i’m not looking into them seriously until it’s safe to.

THAT’S ALL OF FUCKING THAT ON THAT

i felt it wouldn’t be a bad idea to come on here and explain A. what’s been going on and B. where i’ve been and C. that if i haven’t responded to you or acknowledged something you sent me / tagged me in it’s literally just because i either forgot to (for all reasons and none) or i don’t have the mental space / energy to. but that doesn’t mean you have to stop talking to me! even if i don’t respond or respond immediately i do read everything and i would die for any one of you fuckers (especially my clowns and the tom hardy movie)

oh! and just btw - sometimes i don’t get notifications (quelle surprise) tumblr and skype should really pair up and talk about their truly great systems that function so well /s 8| ANYWAY: the best and most reliable ways to get my attention are twitter ( @/mieczyhale) and discord (same name) because i have yet to see their notifications fail. ahem.

i feel like i’m missing things / forgetting things but honestly this post is long enough and also enough of a rambley mess that i’m just gonna try and ignore that feeling and carry on with my goddamn day so i might actually accomplish something. sorry if there’s spelling off or missing words. i’m not taking the time to re-read this and might even delete it bc it’s already giving me anxiety bUT WE’LL SEE ALRIGHT HI AND BYE I LOVE YOU GUYS <3

#might delete later?? probably?? havent decided.#maison speaks #tinysquidrachel

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dejwrites · 2 years

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had to finish an assignment due at 11:59 for my teacher but i’m back to explain what happened.

tw: mentions of suicide

this is quite a bit of information in this but i’ll start from the beginning: during the first week of uni i got covid my teacher was telling me i was still responsible for the work i missed which was fine but she expected me to work like i wasn’t sick when in reality covid hit pretty hard and this was after being vaxxed and having a preexisting condition so i had to explain that it was really hard to deal with alongside all the assignments i had for 4 other classes at the time. i sprained my ankle a little after quarantine and had treatment for my health issues and had to miss class only to wait a quarter of the day at urgent care and i gave her all my papers and showed her and she was still reluctant to give me time to make up work. at the end of the month i got diagnosed with adhd and it was incredibly hard to adjust and still kinda is. during all of this i reached out to counseling, well tried to, on campus only to be put on a waitlist and be offered everything but the one thing i needed and specifically asked for. when i explained everything to my teacher she was like trying to justify her being a strict teacher using statistics saying that female teachers don’t get treated well or payed as much as male teachers and then went to say that its even worse for black female teachers (just for some background she’s yt) and that people expect her to be the school equivalent of a mother (which was not true) while i tried to be understanding of her situation as a teacher she was complaining about how so many of the teachers have to learn suicide training and try to counsel the students and basically said it and treated us like we were a chore and the cherry on top was that she was saying that if i knew all of this stuff that i should have created coping mechanisms since counseling wasn’t available???? even despite the fact that we pay for that in our tuition so i was kind of pissed about that. while i was trying to hear her side she was basically treating herself like a victim and just being rude and snarky the whole time. i implied that i wasn’t feeling comfortable about approaching her bc of the way she acts in class but she was like get over it and proceeded to just be clueless about why people truly hate her class and her as a person and teacher.

-🌻

one.) i don’t know your school do the little professor ratings at the end of the semester (my university did) where you basically have to review the professor and how they teach and such..pls do that and let the school know two.) pls give her a bad review on ratemyprofessor.com three.) advise people to not take her class

she basically gaslight you and your situation and her trying to use black women teachers as a way to get her point across was extremely weird. considering that at the end of the day her as a white woman…statistically she still most likely will get paid higher than her black, hispanic, asian, & other woc counterparts.

a lot of professors are so cruel and i do feel like the pandemic and covid brought that out of them.

#moots (💞): sunflower emoji anon 🌻#tw: mental illness #tw: gaslighting

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pisati · 4 years

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told my mom earlier about how A was going on a road trip halfway across the country to visit friends just because he had the time, and I was a little sad bc I would’ve gone along if I did too. if it were 2018/2019 I would have, I had that whole year off. and she went “yeah, and you wouldn’t have had to deal with COVID either. man, that was such a waste of a year.”

that honestly really stung.

I’ve been trying not to see it as a waste. I thought at first that I was taking the time to recover from burnout. didn’t think the fatigue would persist and even worsen with down time. I had the time to work on my health, and while I didn’t make that much progress, I still was able to see a lot of doctors and at least eliminate a few things. I had time to myself, outside of the pressure from that fed job application and a year’s worth of jaw pain.

I did want to road trip by myself. I wanted to go to arizona. but I figured I could handle maybe 5-6 hours of driving a day, and at that rate I would’ve taken 2 weeks to get there and 2 weeks back, from what I gauged at the time. I didn’t know who would watch my rats for a month, and I couldn’t make them go with me. it just didn’t seem like a good idea at the time, and I didn’t have anyone who would go with me. I suppose I could’ve just gone. said fuckit and gone as far as I could. one of these days I think I’d still want to, if I ever have the time. but I just don’t think I can do it alone. not with my fatigue.

I don’t want to have regrets about my gap year, but I kind of do. I do wish I’d done more with it. I just didn’t feel like I could, at the time. I told my mom I’d have time to clean around the house while she was at work, and I really thought I would be able to. I thought I’d maybe need a week or two of down time to recover and then I’d have the energy to clean. and then a week or two turned into months, which turned into a year. I spent so much of my time just trying to gather the energy to get out of bed. trying to wake up. I’m still doing that; I kind of like closing at work now because I have the time to wake up far too early, get up, eat breakfast, hit my crash, and slowly wake up just about by the time I need to get up and shower and get ready to leave. the only issue with that is that it doesn’t feel like time I have to myself. I spend my entire fucking morning just trying to wake up. I didn’t get my crash nap two days ago and I was dragging ass all day. I just felt so tired; I had that heaviness behind my eyes all day. it’s not always that much better even if I do crash, and sometimes it takes me so long to wake up I’m still drowsy even after I shower and get started at work.

I can’t blame myself for being like this, I don’t think. I don’t know if it’s something I’m inadvertently doing to myself. I don’t think so, at least. I’m definitely not making it up, but what if it was my diet? somehow that doesn’t feel right either. if it were, wouldn’t my meds work? I’m on a literal amphetamine right now and I’m still crashing so hard I can’t move. I wish I knew what to do. I wish anyone did. I’m trying not to feel like my gap year was a waste of time but it makes me feel sick to my core thinking how, if I’m like this for the rest of my life and if I keep getting worse... I’ll feel like my whole life was a waste. I don’t even feel like I can fully enjoy it with what I have now; I can’t fucking remember anything. maybe I do have the energy to do some things, and I know I’ve accomplished a lot and I can still do a lot, I can still do good things and interesting things, but I don’t know how long that will last. I don’t know how I can enjoy what time I’ve still got when I can barely remember anything day to day.

mom also asked me if I’d consider reapplying to the agency. I shook my head. I just can’t. she told me they’re desperate, I said, yeah, they were desperate when I was applying too. she said it’s worse now. I’d be making really good money and I’d have government benefits. she’s not wrong, it would be real cushy. she said I’d only have to work every other week right now and it’d be so easy because I guess she knows a lot of incompetent people in there, so obviously it’d be a breeze for me. I just can’t do it. I have moral and ethical issues with the existence of that organization to begin with. and I’m just not suited for that environment. I told my mom that, and she said of course I am, I just didn’t know. but I know. I fucking know. I can’t do another stuffy desk job, and they won’t want to hire me anyway because I will not compromise on my political positions. I’m probably way further left than they’d like. and I don’t know how quiet I could keep myself. not saying I would end up leaking classified information, but honestly I just don’t think I could live the kind of double life they want me to live. I don’t have the energy or the brain power right now to do that job, and I don’t even want to anyway. I didn’t want to when I applied. I wanted the pay and the security. I wanted the satisfaction of getting another job in my degree field. I was (and honestly still am) afraid of having this degree I worked so hard for and not doing anything related to it outside school. but I just can’t do that to myself again. that is not an environment I’d be happy in. and after experiencing that level of misery already... I just can’t do that to myself again. I already have depression. I still have my days, even being in this job I like. I don’t want to veer into oncoming traffic to and from the clinic every day, so that’s nice, but I wouldn’t exactly call myself 100% stable either. I refuse to put myself back in an environment where I’d end up feeling like that again.

therapist asked me to think this week about why I’m so hard on myself, again. why I turn my thoughts back in on myself; notice when I do that, what caused it. I haven’t honestly had the time or the energy to think about it, and I’m afraid it’s going to be the same story as the last two weeks. I really have just been too fucking tired. I don’t have the energy to hate myself. my life right now is working, taking care of my pets, trying to sleep, trying to wake up, and crafting when I have the energy. I have my worries. I have my stresses. this is a horrendously stressful time to be living in. I’m not taking things out on myself, I’m worrying about where I’m headed from here. once this is all over, in god knows how many years because people here are fucking morons. I’m worried about my health. if I catch COVID, of course I’m worried about potentially dying, but I’m more worried about a secondary post-viral syndrome. I’m already fatigued. what if it worsens my fatigue and I end up bedbound? I want to plan my life going forward. I want to hope I’ll be able to continue education in something, I’m pretty sure I want to pursue animal care, and I’m going to go about it like that’s the plan, but I still worry. I think I’m scared to even get my hopes up about that because my health is slowly declining and I worry that if I catch COVID that’ll be it for me. my therapist has kind of tried to stop me when I talk like that, because I know it sounds like I’m letting my fears stop me. I’m not. I’m just laying them out. these are the things that I have on my radar, they are worries of mine, but I’m going to do what I think is best for me despite having those worries. I don’t think I’ll ever be the kind of person who won’t consider the possible outcomes of something. I’m going to overthink things, that’s just how I am. I don’t like it, it isn’t always helpful, but I think my therapist is right in that I have this serious drive to protect myself from pain. that’s honestly what it is. I have a need to position myself in the corner of the room; I need to be able to see every possible angle and assess every possible threat before I make a move. it’s not going to keep me paralyzed in the corner, but I need to be aware of the possibilities.

it’s interesting that she pointed that out to me. a lot of the things I do, I do in self-defense. she pointed out that I tend to hold back with friends; if they indicate they’re not interested in having a conversation, I don’t press. I told her about farm jam last year, how they were ignoring me and talking over me. I mentioned the group going to the watering hole, telling my friend to tell me when they were going because I wanted to go, and he didn’t say a word to me when they went. I was sitting there, waiting for someone to ask me to join, and they didn’t. so I didn’t go. I didn’t want to trail behind them like a lost fucking puppy, still not having anyone to talk to, watching them all have a grand old time together while I just sat on the sidelines. and she was right to tell me that I could have pushed. I could have gone, I could have tried harder to insert myself into conversations. it is a two-way street. I know the way I talk about it it makes me seem like I don’t think my friends care about me; I had to explain that I know that’s not the case. it’s just that I felt left out and I didn’t want to force myself into their little circle. and I do that because I can see myself continuing to be ignored and left out and I’d rather spare myself the pain from that.

I already know I have a tendency to reject people before they can reject me. I forget what else we were talking about where she pointed out that it was self-defense... hold on.

...

I think it was my negative thought patterns. how I learned to parrot my mom. I’d start talking about something good and then immediately jump to the bad things about it. it could be my attempt at “humility”, or some kind of defense from getting too happy about something. I feel like I remember telling my therapist that one charlie brown quote comes to mind: “I think I'm afraid of being happy because whenever I get too happy something bad always happens”. she kind of made a face at that.

she’s right that I try to avoid pain. I still don’t think I’m comfortable telling her about all the shit I went through with dumb boys. but I guess there’s a reason I’m still single and have no real plans to change that. or, rather, no strong feelings about that changing. I’m still not sure how I feel. it’s been a long fucking time since I’ve felt cared about, and sometimes I’m glad my memory sucks so bad because feeling that absence was so fucking painful.

she asked me if I wanted to change. if I really did want to change my thinking, probably because I mentioned it would take a lot of energy. that kind of hurt; I wondered if I was giving her the idea that I didn’t actually want any kind of change. that I was just going to give her excuses. I wasn’t saying that as an excuse, just stating a fact about this process. it’s nearly a lifetime of internalizing these behaviors and defense mechanisms that I’ll really have to work to undo. and I can’t even gather the energy to spend more than a minute or so thinking about why I do these things to myself. I told her I do want to, I just don’t know where to start or how to go about it. this is all I know. and I was relieved to hear she agreed with that. I think that was her assessment to begin with, but I think she wanted to hear it from me first.

---

bedtime I guess.

#ech

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