😭 girl help

#personal

There’s been a lot of encouraging news in the face of absolute disaster lately.  None of it really applies to anybody but me.  So I have been living that reality to the best of my ability.  It hasn’t been without missteps.  Things feel even more fucked up than they were in the world let alone life.  For me society trends downward when I shut the door.  So I’ve been focusing on improving my surroundings.  My kitchen has officially become my office.  Google announced their employees were working from home until the end of the year.  Facebook threw its hands up and said forever.  My situation is far more complex but doing my job depends on the internet.  I upgraded my router back in April at the first hint of all of this.  Slowly I’ve been building up the infrastructure around here to support me being able to do my job.  I upgraded my internet and finally got a home phone number linked to a 312 area code.  I’ve been relying on package delivery for a good month and a half.  The amount of packages I’ve had stolen has dwindled.  Yesterday the Stussy drop from Dover Street Market was misdelivered.  The day before they wouldn’t drop it off without a signature.  I had to flag down the fed ex truck on the corner.  I walked them back to the address explaining that I had to be vigilant due to gang activity.  That morning when I put out the signature release one of the gang members from the block had talked to me.  Mostly in passing about life.  I’m pretty sure theirs is rougher than mine.  But that’s the upfront and transparent life I live.  Having to be up front and center with people at all times nobody what emotions I feel inside.  I wore a mask when I approached the fed ex truck.  When I walked them back they discovered they had delivered both packages for my address to the neighbor.  So I killed two birds with one stone though my neighbor would never know.  I woke up Sunday morning to a pigeon completely ripped apart on my porch.  I can’t tell if it was the cats or something else.  I cleaned it up at eight in the morning regardless.  Finally just decided to clean and minimize the porch for the summer.  I had a refurbished shark robot vacuum delivered by UPS that same day.  They texted my phone and I ran out to grab it.  The guy thanked me for being fast.  I plugged it in and set up the app on my phone.  The splash screen showed a clean, neutral home.  Lurking in the background picture was my router.  I let the thing run for an hour.  It picked up dust I never knew existed.  My cat is bewildered and afraid.  Much like most of the neighborhood is when my name comes up in conversation.  What is he like?  What does he do?  Is he single?  No.  No.  And no.  Do I get things delivered on time?  I get them in the end.  I ran around the neighborhood in the Nike X Stussy drop after my works hours yesterday.  I almost got run over twice.  The shirt says increase the peace.  I guess I struck a nerve.  And yet people have been walking over me for years.  The embarrassing part is now everybody sees just how much and in what context.  And people are reasonably scared because as calm as I seem if they were in my shoes it would be different.  They would break down.  They would collapse.  My credit score went up a hundred points this week.  That’s some encouraging news.  Cash positive is a good look.  Too bad our president isn’t.

Money seems to be all that is important to people these days.  How much you spend.  What deals you make and steals you uncover.  I try to play that game sometimes.  I’ve saved a lot of money over the last few months.  Locked down.  I’ve improved my health, my cooking skills, my body tone, and my video game performance.  I just pieced out the first stage of a new desktop.  A mid sized microatx ryzen.  The first PC I’ve built in over a decade.  My goal is to play wow at the maximum settings on my TV.  More so like the phone, I’d just rather have my own computer for home.  My watch has organized a lot of my appointments and responsibilities in a low key way.  Much how I continue to live my life.  Low key.  This is not to say I feel trapped between two huge plates of metal.  The one grind where I’m not good or important enough to pay attention to in real life.  The other grind where people use me as a bait or decoy to trick people.  Neither of those cases treat me like a human being.  I have been hurt so much by this process that I have transcended to a point where I don’t bother much with society.  And yet society still expects so much out of me.  I ordered my Jacobin magazines for Mayday.  I might sit out on my porch, drink tea and read them by myself.  But nobody ever engages me in a way that’s respectful.  It’s all trick after trick.  Scam after scam.  Hushed back talk and shadowed praise.  I am fucking invisible.  Nobody cares about me.  If they do, they aren’t able to show it.  And there’s only a few people I love enough to understand that relationship deeply.  The rest of the world is empty to me aside from animals and gardening.  I should be so much more.  And somehow looking back to the last decade I am.  It’s just not of value to anyone but me.  And I’m not really interested in taking another step backwards to show how genuine and truthful I am.  The embarrassing thing is while people gave the most vile people the pass because they were more famous or pretty I suffered.  Over and over and over again.  To the point where whatever it was people were chasing after seemed meaningless to me.  I tried so hard to get back on track.  And then I did.  And I took a look around and it frightens me.  Nobody knows the value of anything beyond money.  And I’ve held a job consistently for twenty years.  Paid taxes for twenty years.  Grown actual competitive job skills for twenty years.  Accrued a pension.  Travelled the world.  Networked all over the map.  And I’m still here on tumblr every Saturday.  Typing away as a warning.  One that nobody really hears other than myself and my friends.  Who I think have offered me a place to control my own narrative in the face of lies, bullshit, and selfishness.  It all took work.  Courage.  Callous confrontation.  A look in the mirror of what it is I could become.  And what it is I am now.  I don’t really know.  I deserve to know.  I deserve to be loved, respected and treated like a valuable human being.  I know I am not.

For the record, I’m Tim.  I fucking hate politics.  I am an adult who has seen more of my time wasted and freedom siphoned.  And I also live in America.  A place where people tell me to stay indoors and shut the door.  A place where if you come knocking with a warrant you better be wearing a mask.  A place where I pay it forward enough and keep a high enough profile to avoid awkward conversations like that.  And yet space is still encroached on.  I am for the record enjoying the territorial markings.  I’ve carved out a very special place for myself in the third most populated city in America next to LA and New York.  I was thinking about heading to LA for a day sometime.  A lot of my friends out there are in the same ecosystem.  And yet the internet has kept us all together regardless.  Tied and knitted together by the stories, art, fashion and ideals we felt important to share with each other.  We are a community in and of itself.  The community that I pay forward to and have seen so many great things happen in my life.  Free thinking and independent minds linked like block chain when it comes to the latest drops or rare trivia related to science, anime or that little horny fucking skeleton guy you people draw.  People are always failing at engaging us.  And so we fall back to our dead platform and seeth in our collective anger sometimes.  Other times life goes on and we post another picture.  I post the same picture every once and awhile to let everybody know how much of a nerd I am.  And also how romantic I think I am when everybody tells me I don’t exist and could never connect with anyone.  I’m not good enough.  Handsome enough.  Young enough.  Happy enough.  For the record, people lie to discourage you.  They talk behind your back because they’re afraid of the competition.  They’re afraid of having to work as hard as you.  Suffer as a horribly as you in silence.  They have no plan other than being negative.  Playing dirty tricks.  Playing people against each other.  Using discontent, anger, division against their own people for the sake of consolidating power.  I’ve written about it in anguish for years.  And people just don’t listen.  I do.  I act on things creatively.  I think on my toes.  When the package doesn’t get delivered I don’t sit and wonder why.  I go out there and get it.  When the test of time is withstood.  It’s me sitting there with a faint smile on my face and a knowing look.  It’s been a long time.  And as long as I’m around you know what consistency looks like.  And maybe what forever has the potential to be.  Me and you.  Not me, you and the rest of society constantly knocking on our door asking for milk and sugar.  What will the neighbors think if I don’t answer?  That my time is more valuable spent with you.  A long time of no regrets.  Just forward thinking and self care.  And a humidifier in the bedroom.  Speaking of clearing the air. <3 Tim