#he encouraged my interest in philosophy and has been endlessly willing to answer my aristotle questions
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#deep abiding disquiet#four days left of high school (!)#and still two ap tests to go (woefully unprepared) plus cs and english projects#and maybe part of what’s disquieting is my conviction that there’s no work at the end of senior year fighting with the fact that there is#and maybe it’s anxiety about college (did i choose the right place etc)#i’m sure both of those play a part#but i think mostly i don’t want to go#i’ve loved it here. i’ve screamed and cried and hated everything and had terrible times but throughout it all i’ve loved it here#i don’t want to go#i was happy to leave my elementary school and thrilled to leave my middle school. so even though it’s my third school i’m so unprepared#i’ve never had to leave somewhere i liked#most of my friends are my grade they’re coming with me to college (in a figurative sense; only one actually is)#but one of my sophomore friends doesn’t really have friends other than us. and i don’t want to leave him alone#things are so hard for him already#and i don’t want to leave my computer science teacher behind#he’s been so much more to me than just a cs teacher#though he’s a great one#he taught me i could enjoy actually learning cs/coding instead of thinking it’s cool but hating the action itself#i have him to thank for any success in calc 2 this year#he encouraged my interest in philosophy and has been endlessly willing to answer my aristotle questions#he holds himself to true catholic values and so helped me forgive the grudge i held against catholicism after middle school#and (though i’m lutheran if i’m anything) through that started me down my own path of seeking god#he’s provided guidance and reassurance so often over the past two years#in him i saw an adult able to juggle stem (math/cs) and humanities (philosophy/theology) which i didn’t know could be done#i saw an adult who has friends which i didn’t know could be done#what he’ll readily confess to when discussing philosophy is this belief that love is central to everything#theres a hopeful and beautiful world he’s revealed to me through that. i don’t want to go
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