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kathyprior4200 · 4 years

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Cold-Blooded Hearts

In Episode One

Present day, episode one

Angel Dust spotted a flying metal aircraft, which was firing lasers at buildings. It looked like an industrial rocket ship made with gears and a steampunk style to it. A metal hook hung from the bottom of it. The lasers struck the buildings, which caused bright pink explosions to fill the air.

From inside the ship, a serpent overlord stood high above over the controls, laughing manically. Down below, his deviled egg minions stood and watched. Each of them wore black top hats and pinstriped round clothing. They were called Egg Bois.

The room had deep purple walls, cabinets for the minions and decorations of their leader along the wall.

The villain was Sir. Pentious. He wore a gray coat with yellow vertical stripes down the front. He had a black tail with yellow stripes and pink eyes all over. He wore a top hat with a moving pink eye and a grinning mouth of fangs. He sprouted a demonic grin of his own, his hood also full of several pink eyes.

Up on the platform, he oriented two levers in his hands, the control button in the center displaying a pentagram design.

“Those other cowardly sinners dare not hinder my territorial takeover! A wise decision. The power of my machines are unmatched! No other demon can compare to the likes of I!”

One egg minion with #23 on his back added, “Gee that was pretty swell boss!”

“Yeah!” another chimed in: #666.

“You really showed them what for!” called a third.

Another minion teasingly ran his fingers up the overlord’s spine. “I like it when you shot them with your ray gun…”

Sir Pentious punched a minion out the window and whirled around in anger. The other minions backed up. “I wish he’d shoot me with his ray gun,” a minion whispered, head lowered.

Sir Pentious rolled his eyes at his masochist minions. He turned back to the controls and grinned. Pentagram circles revealed the areas he had taken over and the other territories ahead. “At this rate, I will seize control of the entire west side of the Pentagram by day’s end!”

He laughed and bragged some more. “And nothing, not a single beast in this inferno of suffering, will be able to take back this empire from my constrictive grasp!”

As to prove his point, he grabbed a minion in his tail and tightly squeezed him.

Another minion blew a noisemaker and then popped open a blue bottle of a brown drink. The overlord threw the minion across the room as the eggs celebrated down below.

“Hell will be mine,” he declared, “and everybody will know the name of Sir Pe…”

“Edgelord!” yelled a voice.

“Pardon?!” Sir Pentious shot back in shock. “Who said that?!”

He leaned in close to two of his minions, not pleased.

“What did you just say to me, you fried chicken fetuses?!”

The minions shook in fear.

“Speak up!” he hissed.

“It wasn’t us, mister boss man!” said a minion.

Just then, an object shot through the glass at the front, creating a small hole. A small pink bomb with a black skull on the front, landed on the floor. Sir Pentious observed it for a moment…the bomb looked like a cherry…which could only mean…

The bomb exploded, covering the room in sparkles and thick red smoke.

Sir Pentious coughed and swiped some of the smoke away.

“You looking for a fight, old man?” a female voice challenged.

Sir Pentious spotted his rival standing proud and casually catching another bomb in her hand: Cherry Bomb.

Towering tall in pink high heel boots, ripped black jeans, a pink crop top with an x on the front, long strawberry blonde hair, a single pink eye with an x that took up most of her white face…a grin of sharp teeth…it was her alright.

“Why don’t you get that tinker toy bullshit off my turf before I smash it…” she declared before catching her bomb. A random barbell of metal crashed into the floor close to Cherri Bomb.

“…more.”

“Oh, you wanna go, missy?” Sir Pentious retorted. He flicked his hood back before opening it. Well, I’m happy to oblige!”

He let out another evil laugh as his minions closed in, holding stun guns, which crackled with yellow electricity.

But Cherri Bomb wasn’t scared. With graceful leaps, she avoided the blasts and threw down another bomb. She used the cover to escape, jumping down and swinging once from the anchor at the bottom of the flying craft. Landing gracefully on the ground, she continued her assault from below.

“Catch me if you can, snake man!”

“Get her!” he bellowed through the red smoke, the eggs quickly running around in a frenzy.

The minions jumped to the ground after her, the overlord following suit. Cherri Bomb dodged a blast, grinned and picked up the minion egg. She spun around and threw the minion straight into Sir Pentious’ face. He threw the egg back at her, and she caught it with one hand.

“Thanks for the gift!” she called out, before cracking the egg open with an evil grin. She placed a bomb into it, then threw it back at him...straight to his face. Sir Pentious could only make a face of surprise before the egg blew up in pink smoke.

“Why you little…”

Cherri Bomb ducked as another egg sailed over her head.

Just then, a familiar drug-addict white demon stomped on an egg minion and threw a grenade in the distance.

“Angel Dust!” called Cherri Bomb, happy to have her partner in crime arrive.

“Great to see you too, sweetie!” he teased.

Another pink explosion filled the air as the fight continued.

“Hey, thanks for the backup, Angie!” Cherri Bomb said as she fired a flaming red arrow with a large gun over toward Sir Pentious.

Angel Dust laughed, leaning against volcanic rock as cover. He threw a grenade over his head.

“You kiddin’? This is the best action I’ve seen in ages!”

A pink explosion rocked the streets.

“Where have you been anyway?” she asked. “I thought you up and died or some shit.”

“I wish,” he remarked as he lit another fuse and handed the bomb to his ally. She threw it forward, then ducked behind the rock next to Angel.

Angel continued, “I’ve been staying at this crappy hotel on the other side of town. Some boards are letting’ me stay rent-free if I play nice.” They covered their ears.

A column of green smoke rose into the air with a fiery whoosh. The duo leaped over the rock and charged at the army of egg minions. Using four arms, Angel Dust fired rapidly from a gun at the minions, making some of them explode.

He sighed, and used one of his hands to gesture. “Y’know, no fights, no pranks, no “problematic language.” Her words, not mine.”

He tripped an unsuspecting minion, sending him into the air and exploding in a yellow yok mess. He waved a spiked club and continued firing his gun. A pot shop stood in the background, with marijuana leaves near the sign.

“These bitches are no fun!” Angel complained in frustration. Splatters of yok landed on his head and face. “I’ve been clean for two weeks!”

“Holy shit!” Cherri Bomb yelled after avoiding a green explosion and leaping into the air.

Angel scooped up yok with his finger. “Well, sorta clean.” He smashed apart another egg minion with his club. “As clean as you can get with a shitload of Bolivian marching powder.”

Angel’s shadowy silhouette displayed sharp fangs as Cherri posed in the background, one of her boots missing. A sign read “50% off meth” above a small super market.

A black chain wrapped tightly around Angel’s waist and chest, sending him flying backwards. Cherri Bomb gasped as her ally was pulled away. Sir Pentious threw the chained Angel Dust hard onto the ground a distance away. He landed with a thud against volcanic rock.

“Oh, harder daddy!” Angel teased with a wide smirk.

Sir Pentious gasped, eyes tearing up. “Son?!”

Angel Dust stared blankly, one eye raised, a look of disbelief on his face.

Cherri Bomb rushed into action, landing a sharp kick to Sir Pentious’ back. The villain landed on the ground, then hissed threateningly.

“You whores have no class!” he exclaimed, standing up. “In war, the side remembered is the side with the most…style.” He straightened his black bowtie with a spring.

Cherri Bomb broke open an egg and tossed the shells aside. Angel stood up, freeing himself from the chains.

“Or the side that ain’t dead,” she added.

“Speaking of style, is your hat like, alive or something’?” Angel asked, wiggling his fingers.

Sir Pentious hissed. “Oh, well, that’s none of your goddamn business, now is it?”

Angel continued, “Would that make your hat the top and you the bottom?”

He and Cherri burst into laughter. Even a pink “loser” sign pointed at the oblivious villain. “Ooooh,” said a minion near him. “One hellish burn.”

“I’m going to blow you to bits!” Sir Pentious yelled, pointing at them.

“Hmm! Kinky!” Angel teased.

An advertisement displaying a plate of, sausage, eggs and a tomato slice stood halfway buried in the ground. A glowing pink sign pointing down read “pussy.” Another yellow sign read, “Sex here.”

“Not like that! Pervert!” yelled the villain. Cherri Bomb and Angel Dust held in laughter.

Angel suddenly pushed Cherri Bomb out of the way, as an egg minion shot tendrils of claws from behind them. The claws had eyes in the center and grabbed onto Angel’s four wrists. He struggled to free himself, the cords stretching.

Sir Pentious chuckled. “Not so cocky now, are we?”

“Y’know, you really need to watch what’s coming out of your mouth,” Angel remarked. “Cocky…cumming, you get it?”

The villain didn’t respond.

Angel sighed. “I’ve been making these sex jokes the whole time!”

A drill poked out from the ground, Angel avoiding it. A minion held a drill in his small hands at Angel. Two extra arms popped out from Angel’s body, holding his rifle.

“And it’s obvious you ain’t catching on.”

He cocked his gun. “I mean, it’s just sad!”

He jumped into the air, freeing himself and firing the gun. The laser hit Sir Pentious, and his gray top hat fell off.

Cherri Bomb popped up next to Angel. “So, think you’re gonna get into a lot of trouble for this?”

“Eh, what’s one little brawl gonna cause?” He shrugged his shoulders and retracted his extra arms. Sir Pentious lay fuming on the ground.

More egg minions scrambled over to the edge of a high cliff, overlooking the scene. Egg shells and yok puddles littered the cracked street.

Cherri Bomb playfully elbowed Angel. “Glad ya haven’t changed. You know you’re my favorite guy to party with!”

“You know it, sugar tits,” Angel replied.

“You ready to finish this?” she asked. She rolled a bomb from one of her shoulders to her other shoulder, then into her hand.

Angel cocked his gun again. “Born ready, baby!”

The duo charged at Sir Pentious. Everyone yelled. More egg minions fell and Sir Pentious realized he was running out fast.

After several more minutes of battle, Sir Pentious and his remaining minions retreated back to his ship. “This isn’t over, sluts!” he declared at his enemies. “I’ll have my revenge!” The ship hatch closed. The egg minions steered the ship and it rose into the air, almost sending the overlord flying out of the craft. He tossed out more minions in response before taking the controls and flying the craft away.

Angel and Cherri Bomb high-fived.

“See you around,” she said.

“Until the next brawl,” said Angel.

Cherri Bomb waved goodbye and blasted music from an Eye Pod (a device made from an actual moving eye. “Hello, daddy. Hello mom. I’m your ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb! Hello world! I’m your wild girl. I’m your ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb!” she sang out loud. Angel Dust laughed and continued on his way.

After buying some more amino and pot from the 666 Shop, Angel met with Charlie and Vaggie in a white monster limo. A great day indeed for the promiscuous demon.

Later on, Alastor, Husk, Niffty, Charlie, Angel, and Vaggie, peered out of the hole to see what was going on. Vaggie had her weapon at the ready.

Looking skyward, the group saw a cracked blimp in the air. It had a small random band aid with a sad face on it along the rim. A familiar snake villain popped out of his hideout.

“Ha!” Sir Pentious laughed. “Well, well, well, look who it is harboring the striped freak! We meet again, Alastor!”

Apparently, he was also rivals with Alastor.

But Alastor simply asked, “Do I know you?”

The snake boss looked disappointed. Then he said in anger, “Oh yes you do! And this time, I have the element of…surprise!”

The villain raced toward his pink velvet chair and pulled a lever. A metallic cannon lowered to the ground. The cannon fired up with pink energy as pink smoke appeared around them.

“He laughed manically. “I’m so evil!”

Then he added, “I have an Egg army!”

“Well, we have an Alastor,” Charlie responded.

Alastor snapped his fingers, red tendrils of smoke rising from his hand. The weapon froze in mid fire and a fiery portal opened up below the blimp.

A horde of black tendrils rose from the hole, latching onto the ship. One tentacle ripped off the cannon and threw it into another smaller portal, causing it to explode in pink smoke. One of the tentacles had already smashed a hole in the large round window.

Sir Pentious looked on in shock as his Egg Bois slammed against the wall (one of them read #Ouch.) One of the eggs cracked open, spilling out yellowish brains and small organs among the stains of yok. Sir Pentious and another minion were thrown against the wall.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” he screamed before he was slammed against the ceiling by a black limb.

“Oh, that hurt!” he cried.

Sir Pentious screamed as he was dragged along the floor and lifted up slightly. He was held in place, surrounded by the wrapped up tendril. At once, the tendril shrunk and squeezed the helpless snake. The Egg Bois ran around screaming as black cracks appeared on the floor and walls.

From the outside, more black tendrils were closing in. Red voodoo symbols appeared around the blimp.

Four horned shadowy spirits with red auras floated around, wearing toothy grins.

The tendrils were now wrapped around the entire blimp, holding it in place like thick black vines.

Red radio waves filled Alastor’s eyes as he circled his fingers and worked is magic. Voodoo symbols appeared all around him as he altered the state of reality. Radio static consumed the air.

The vines thickened and completely enclosed the blimp. The spirits swooped around it in excitement, with echoing shrieks. The aura around the tendrils glowed a fiery yellow, the same color as the portal rim.

Alastor closed his four-fingered hand which began to glow. The tendrils proceeded to crush the blimp. Pink rays of light shot from the center and the blimp exploded in a loud BOOM!

Pink smoke spread everywhere as the spirits sped away. The tendrils broke into severed bloody pieces that rained down to the ground. Alastor smiled victoriously, while behind them, the group of five stared in utter terror and shock. (Save for Niffty who had a small smile on her face).

Sir Pentious climbed out of the crater, hand shaking, tooth chipped, after the group had left.

“Now will you shot me with your ray gun?” asked the minion.

Sir Pentious face-planted on the ground in response.

Humiliating Defeat

Present day

A buzzing static sound came from a device on Sir Pentious’ wrist.

“Boss, do you read me? I just got done watching the princess on the news and I’m on my way to this so called Happy Hotel. Right next to my lab. I’ve already connected it. Apparently, this hotel is intended to redeem sinners and send them to Heaven. Implausible but not impossible. When you’re finished fighting, let’s meet up at the lab…the one away from the hotel.

“Sir Pentious, sir, are you there? I’m on my way there. Over.”

Inch by inch, the serpentine aristocrat heaved himself up and out of the crater. He slowly slithered on with his lower snake body. He had underestimated Angel Dust, Cherri Bomb, and Alastor. He had believed that with his inventions he could take over Hell and disintegrate all his foes with one press of a button.

Now his airship lay in smoking ruins at the bottom of the crater. He could still hear the faraway laughs and taunts of the shadow spirits as they flew off.

“Please, O’ mighty sir…just one blast?”

Sir Pentious glanced down at the Egg Boi and scowled. The egg minions thought of him as some kind of sexy intelligent deity. They praised him, ran around, and admired his inventions at every turn. With more than three hundred of the humpty dumptys constantly being made, it was surprising that the inventor hadn’t gone mad. Sure he would be fond of them at times, even reading them stories about villains taking over the world to help them get to sleep. But mostly they were annoying little tools who wouldn’t shut up. With dozens of eggs at his beck and call, came the cost of being an unofficial part-time parent.

Then again, maybe it was his assistant’s way of getting on his nerves. His assistant was Baxter, the blue anglerfish scientist, who had helped him make the Egg Bois. He had a few underground labs, including one under the Hazbin Hotel. While Sir Pentious conquered territory from above, Baxter lurked below and conducted unethical experiments on other unlucky sinners. He was a loner who didn’t like to be disturbed but he would go out of his lab on occasion.

But the minions had been very helpful at overwhelming demons who had tried to fight back. The eggs would keep them distracted while Sir Pentious would destroy the area with a fury of lasers while letting out an evil laugh. He had blasted one demon to bits after the youngster had mocked his hip outfit with an “ok boomer!” and flipping him the bird. Sir Pentious was mad that his rock star shirt and baseball cap were disregarded so fast. He even had a skateboard and sunglasses for show. But the minions had showered him with compliments, leaving him temporarily satisfied.

Plus, as eggs, the minions were also a suitable source of substance.

Just like the one near him.

Sir Pentious picked up the egg minion in his hands and stretched open his mouth.

Several minions who had tested his patience for long enough became part of his breakfast. He had swallowed them whole and licked his lips. Or cooked them alive in a frying pan, while making the other minions watch. He would say, “This is an example of what happens when you don’t obey my orders.” The rest of the egg minions would fall silent and quickly get back to work.

He hadn’t realized how hungry he was until after the smoke cleared.

He looked at the minion with one eye open and saw the minion holding in a giggle.

“Are…you blushing?” he asked, closing his mouth and facing the minion in his hand.

“I think this is even better than getting shot, now that I think about it,” said the minion, a big smile on his white oval face. “What does your tongue feel like on my hard shell?”

With a noise between a gasp and a yell, Sir Pentious tossed the Egg Boi into the air until he cracked open in a splatter of yellow organs and yok at the bottom of the crater. Sir Pentious’ gray top hat rolled its pink eye.

He scoffed, “I swear, Hell is just mocking me today!” Taped on his back was a sticky note that read, “I’m A Dirty Snake In Da Grass.” The top hat tried not to laugh. Sir Pentious glance down at his device and listened to it. As much as he wanted to see the hotel, he was not in the shape to take that risk. He would be noticed right away, and defenseless without his machines.

In many ways, he was lucky to have his assistant and spy around. He could only hope that he could find useful information for him. His mind was full of himself and his inventions most of the time…which led to him being slightly unaware of the proceedings outside. Forget about the fact that he didn’t know what cell phones or computers were. Being one of the oldest sinners in Hell had pros and cons. Many years of conquering territories and admiring himself…but also having to keep up with the ever-expanding technologies and cultures merging together.

Sir Pentious winced as he made his way back to his hideout on top of a volcano. Nothing looked out of the ordinary, save for glass windows at the very top of the structure. He glanced down distastefully at his outfit, which had been ruined in the battle. His suit would have to be washed and ironed as soon as possible. Even his bow-tie was lopsided. His lower snake belly, though it was thick and tough, was tired from moving over the hard ground.

A set of double doors lay behind a large black hunk of rock, unnoticeable to many passerby. He tapped it in a rhythmic pattern with his clawed fingers and the boulder moved off slightly toward the right.

After typing in a passcode on a keypad next to metal double doors, he walked up and a long scanner appeared from a small hatch inside the rocky wall. It hovered by his face and registered his yellow eyes.

“Match recognized,” chirped a robotic voice, before the scanner retracted back into the hatch. The set of doors opened.

Whirring and the sounds of rapid footsteps came from above. The floor was black onyx with several cracks and holes in it due to machinery parts that had fallen to the lower level in the past. The place smelled of mechanical machines, old furniture, and of course, eggs. The walls were purple with little golden curves shaped like snake scales. There were a few small lamps in the walls. Sir Pentious walked over to an old fashioned pulley-like lift connected with ropes and stepped onto the slab of square wood.

“Pull the lever!” he ordered a nearby Egg Boi. Two levers stood side by side, each with a red top part.

“This lever?” the egg asked. He pulled one. The pulley and Sir Pentious rapidly descended until it hit a floor covered with dark spikes.

“WRONG LEVER YOU IMBECILE EGG!” Sir Pentious yelled.

He pulled his hood free from the protruding spikes, blood spurting from his smaller pink eyes. The Egg Boi pulled the other lever and this time, Sir Pentious and the hole-covered slab of wood were slowly raised upward. The snake gave the egg a heated glare before he disappeared above.

He reached the top and opened the wooden doors in front of him.

A large dome had glass windows that allowed a view of Hell and the red sky outside. An overhead screen with a glowing red pentagram showed a map of Hell and Sir Pentious’ occupied territories. Adjoining doors in the far wall led to a small kitchen, a bathroom and a bedroom. Metal and concrete pipes of various sizes intercepted in a haphazardly pattern close to the stone ceiling. Along the wall were gold framed portraits of Sir Pentious in various poses. In one, he was smirking while holding his wrist out, fingers pointed downward somewhat spread out. In another portrait, he stood with a cigar in one hand and a newspaper in the other. The headline read: “Sir Pentious Seizes Control of Styx, St. Peter Central, Brimstone, and portion of Pentagram City.”

The Egg Bois cheered and darted around when their boss returned.

“Welcome back, boss!” greeted one egg wearing pinstriped clothing identical to the one Sir Pentious was wearing.

“The takeover, how was it?” asked another one who popped up nearby.

“Oh, you look badly beaten,” remarked a third. “Perhaps a bubble bath is in order?”

“I don’t need a bath!” Sir Pentious snapped. “I just need to have a plan.”

“You sure, sir?” asked the egg with a grin. “I brought a rubber duck for the occasion!”

The egg held up a yellow plastic duck in his tiny hands, the ducks eyes demonic red, with small horns sticking from the top of the duck’s head. He began squeezing the toy with childish laughter. Sir Pentious swatted the egg minion aside with his tail.

He walked over to a desk made of snake skin. The desk had various tools organized in metal boxes: wrenches, screwdrivers, drills, pencils. An ashtray hung out on the top of the desk, extended slightly past the desk. He opened a drawer. A bunch of folders were inside, all with “Evil Plan” labels on the front. He sat down on a leather chair, took in a puff of smoke with his cigar and reviewed the contents.

“Cause mass hysteria with swarm of robotic snakes, check. Send egg army to infiltrate Vox’s studio, check. Lost a lot of minions that time. Hypnotize Katie Killjoy so she can mention my conquests on the news…easy enough. Apprehend Vox…not started. Poison Angel Dust, not started. Open up a coffee shop for fellow villains…also not started…”

Sir,” said a group of Egg Bois nearby, startling him. Sir Pentious burst into a coughing fit, circles of smoke floating from his mouth. “What?!”

“We are pleased to inform you that the territory near the West side of the Pentagram is now open for the taking.”

Sir Pentious cleared his throat looked at the map on the screen to the open area littered with egg shells. “That’s the area I was just at! The place where I fought that striped freak and his punk friend.”

“That’s the place!”

Sir Pentious grinned with a row of sharp fangs, rubbing his hands together. “Excellent! Send out the drones!”

The Egg Bois rushed down a slope shaped like a snake tail and configured with controls and buttons. Hatch doors opened and metallic drones armed with missiles and cameras whirred and flew out into the distance. The sounds of explosions and screams could be heard.

Sir Pentious chuckled. At least one good thing had happened today. Seeing the denizens get trampled beneath his inventions would give him a thrilling sense of dominance. During those times, he felt more like an overlord, despite not officially being one.

If he weren’t so tired, he’d burst into song. He let out a sigh as he stared at the mess of metal, screws, and weapons around the room. He had to get to work…it would at least keep his mind occupied and perhaps come up with another more devious plan.

For the next couple of hours, Sir Pentious worked on modifying a large tank that could ram through buildings and other demons who were around. The canons could shot out blasts and emit noxious gas. Of course, the gas wouldn’t kill demons; it would temporarily leave them gagging so he could either defeat them or sneak around them. Wearing protective face covering, he fused wires together as sparks flew from a tool he used. He narrowed his eyes at empty vials and flaks left over from Baxter’s last visit. There was also a partially finished fish robot underneath the arched desk.

“Blimey, Baxter, you always forget to take your things with you! Worthless junk.”

His first instinct was to chuck the robot and useless vials out the window.

But that would lead to a broken window…

And the possibility of being spotted…

And an angry assistant…

But why should he care about what Baxter thought? The fish man could just replace those items just like that. Besides, he was working for Sir Pentious, so Sir Pentious’ feelings were more important anyway. Outbursts were the norm in Hell.

Pushing aside his hesitant feelings, the snake resumed his work.

Next he worked on different types of guns that could shot venomous darts to paralyze demons.

At least he would have worked more on them without the Egg Bois pestering him.

“Hey boss, is it true that slutty spider flirted and teased with you during that battle?”

“Were you beaten by a red deer lord?”

“When will you sing us a villain song?”

“Do you really have a son? Is that Baxter guy your son?”

“Will Uncle Baxter teach me how to fish for victims someday?”

“Dad,” asked a little egg, “I need help using the bathroom.”

“Ugh,” he sighed lifting his mask and turning around.

“Do you fried chicken fetuses not know the meaning of “Do Not Disturb?!”

“I don’t think so,” said Egg #666, holding a red marker. He had crossed off “not” on a nearby Do Not Disturb sign.

“Why don’t you ask your hen mommy for help,” Sir Pentious told the little egg. “Oh wait, you don’t have one.”

The small egg burst into tears. “But…you’re my mom and my dad.”

Sir Pentious waved a hand. “Ask someone else, I’m busy right now as you can see.”

The little egg sighed in disappointment and grudgingly wondered away.

After Sir Pentious had some tea and washed up in the bathroom (his broken fangs would thankfully grow back) he traveled back to the pit to retrieve the broken airship parts, quickly and quietly. He made it back to his hideout and got to work.

The Eggs pestered him with more questions and even worse, poking and touching him. He hated being touched, and this resulted in many Egg Bois being slammed or flung against the wall.

“Clean up that yok mess,” he ordered the other eggs before going back to repairing.

“Egg 66 stole my toy train,” Egg 99 complained after a moment.

“I did not,” #99 shot back.

Sir Pentious’ hammering and drilling did nothing to block out the Egg Bois insistent, obnoxious wailing.

“You did.”

“Not me.”

“Yes you!”

“No!”

“Yes!”

The eggs rolled around in a fight, rolling into other eggs and knocking them to the floor.

One egg held up two top hats. “Which one looks better on him?” she asked. “This black top hat or this lavender one?”

“I think he’d look great in a dark cape and long black mustache,” said another egg.

“I think he looked like that in his other life,” said the female egg.

“You didn’t answer my question, sir,” said Egg A 113, “did you really get beaten up by the Radio…”

“We don’t speak his name!” Sir Pentious yelled in a high voice.

The fighting Egg Bois rammed into the tank, causing it to wobble. The tank leaned into a worktable, sending wheels, weapons, blueprints, and tools crashing to the floor. The tank fell to the ground, its weight causing it to crash through the onyx floor. The vehicle plummeted down through the lower level and into a large puddle of lava.

Sir Pentious hissed in anger, breathing heavily. All the Eggs fell deathly silent.

He grew in size, his hood extending outwards, pink eyes turning red. Even his gray top hat increased in size, turning into a small snake. Sir Pentious was as large as Boa Constrictor in his full demon form. His eyes glowed red and more sharp fangs grew from inside his mouth.

His low demonic voice was mixed up with the sounds of turning gears and clanking metal.

“What did I tell you fools about bothering me when I’m working?!”

The Eggs shivered. “We’re s-sorry, boss!” several called out.

“Yeah, we didn’t mean it!”

“You did, though,” said an Egg, elbowing another minion.

“I don’t care who started what!” he hissed. Green fire sprouted from his mouth, frying some Egg Bois. “Those to the left have ten seconds to start cleaning up this mess. Those to the right have ten seconds to go to your incubators before I eat you all.”

“But, wouldn’t your stomach explode?” asked an egg. “It would be kind of fun to see what in there…”

“SILENCE!” he bellowed, causing the room to shake. “Get to work and get out of my sight. NOW!”

The eggs scurried off as Sir Pentious reverted back to his regular form. Downstairs in a small area were rows of circular incubators, each covered by round glass barriers that could open and close. The holes filled up nearly every inch of the metallic wall in every direction. Inside the incubators were beds of straw, golden light, and vents to provide warmth. The eggs climbed up stairs attached to snake-like structures up to their assigned holes. Many of them soon curled up and feel asleep to the sounds of hens clucking and steampunk music emitting from nearby speakers.

Sir Pentious loved steampunk technology like gears, trains, airships and others, while Baxter preferred science, robots, computers, and modern inventions. While Sir Pentious relied on weapons and warfare, Baxter relied on research and data. Baxter deemed Sir Pentious’ inventions as outdated junk. In response, Sir Pentious perceived Baxter’s work as complicated and boring. Baxter may have been an expert in physics and science but he didn’t have the classic sense of style that Sir Pentious possessed. Baxter sat around, while Sir Pentious moved around.

Surely everything about Sir Pentious was cooler, he thought: his attire, his animal-like traits…and his name as well. Sir Pentious…a pun on serpent. Why would his assistant settle for a simplistic name like Baxter? Why not Angler-Inventor or Einstein Fisher? Or even Dr. Reducto?

But still, Sir Pentious couldn’t have created so many Egg Bois on his own. Not when he was busy claiming territory or fixing his machines.

Which reminded him that he needed to make a new airship and weapons.

Several hours later, Sir Pentious had completed the stun guns that shot venom darts. The exterior backbone of the airship was done but there were still many empty spaces. In fact, only the front part of the airship had been thoroughly repaired and worked on. Never mind the interior, weapons and engines…they would have to wait for now. An old grandfather clock in a corner let out a chime, signaling it was midnight.

“Guess I better go to bed,” he said groggily. He pressed several switches that locked more doors and a metal shutter that covered the glass windows. He wandered to the bathroom and did indeed take a bubble bath in the old claw foot tub, the rubber duck floating in the water. Sir Pentious’ top hat remained in his head.

Thankfully there were no Egg Bois around to disturb him.

Save for one, #666.

He had been spying on Sir Pentious when he had undressed and threw his suit down a chute to be washed. The inventor’s lower half was that of a black snake but his top half was more human-like. He looked similar to the mythical Naga, part snake part man.

The top hat growled and narrowed its eye, staring at the Egg in the corner.

“What is it?” Sir Pentious asked. The top hat turned around in midair, baring sharp teeth. It was then that the snake spotted the stalking egg.

His mouth opened in a vicious hiss and his hood extended out from his head.

“ARE YOU SERIOUSLY SPYING ON ME IN MY BATHROOM?”

Water splashed everywhere onto the white and black tiled floor. A gold toilet and sink stood nearby.

Smartly, the egg dashed out of the room.

“IF I EVER CATCH YOU AGAIN, YOU’LL BE MADE INTO AN OMLETE!”

Sir Pentious sighed in frustration, throwing the rubber duck across the room. It bounced and squeaked, eyes glowing. He sunk back into the water, long tongue flicking out. He stared into the water, the bubbles gradually clearing away. Staring at the liquid made him think of someone else that could aid in his plans.

“Of course!” he thought. “Going through all my old plans and I didn’t think about my assistant. I wonder what the little rascal has got for me this time.”

Sir Pentious got out of the tub and changed into his red pajamas, long pants and a shirt with pentagrams, gears and hazardous symbols on it. A nearby tea mug read “Hell’s #1 Villain” on it (though an Egg Boi had scribbled on the word “Dad” in black sharpie.) He sank into bed, admiring the large wall portrait of himself across the room. He was standing proudly with one of his airships in the background, rows of burning buildings nearby. The Egg Bois were cheering and standing beside him, one was on his shoulder and another got close to the old camera. Said old camera was tucked into his closet among the rows of suits, ties and fancy shoes.

Sir Pentious turned on the old fashioned TV and Katie Killjoy popped up on the screen.

“...and in other news, claimed king Sir Pentious recently got twisted in knots after a brief scuffle with the infamous Radio Demon.”

Several Egg Bois “Ooohed” from outside the door.

“Get to bed, you sacks of unborn chickens!”

“Indeed,” Tom Trench added. “Even the inventors have their limits…especially when it comes to overlords. He’s certainly no overlord.”

“I am too!” Sir Pentious yelled. “I’ve conquered the Eastern side of Pentagram City and I’m still not done! Plus I have an egg army. But no magic…yet. But then again, I don’t need any. All I need is my super intelligent mind!”

“Edgelord!” called Cherri Bomb who blew raspberries at the camera.

“That classless whore!” he exclaimed. “I’ll made her explode using her own bombs.”

Tom Trench gave her several winks while Katie glared.

“Get out of my studio, punk!” she demanded.

“Newsflash, bitch!” Cherri declared. “This is Hell! I go where I want, whenever I want. You’ll be seeing me during the next turf war!”

She threw a bomb onto the ground and vanished in the pink smoke. Katie coughed while Tom Trench mentioned, “She’s the bomb for sure. I could blow her mind!”

The gas mask news anchor got slapped by Katie. “You fucking would, Tom! You perverted little bitch.”

“Bah!” Sir Pentious spat in anger, raising a fist. “That Alastor ruining my plans to destroy that place of junk and that slutty spider. The nerve of him!”

Katie appeared back on screen. “Meanwhile, Hell’s princess has decided to pursue her passion project after all.” The screen cut to the Hazbin Hotel, a building with an old ship, a carousel and other odd structures attached to it.

“Look there she is, all high and mighty with that sweet smile on her face.” Katie’s voice was laced with disdain and sarcasm.

Sure enough, Charlie was standing underneath the circus stripped red canopy in her pink tuxedo and black pants. Her lips were black and her yellow eyes shone with excitement.

“Welcome to the Happy Hotel!” she said to three demons. “Vaggie will be with you shortly to discuss rooms and rules.” She held open one of the stained glass doors with an apple on it.

“Vaggie! We have three new guests coming in!”

“What? Already! Please don’t tell me they have creepy shadow powers.”

“Nope!” she called.

“Fuck everyone,” Husk called.

“I’d be glad to,” Angel replied.

“You’re a horrible sick spider,” Alastor remarked.

“I second that,” said Vaggie.

“I’ll go get their rooms cleaned!” called Niffty.

Charlie turned back to the visitors outside. “You’re just in time! Alastor finished making jambalaya for us! What are your names?”

“I’m Mimzy,” said a plump woman with pale skin, large hips, big breasts and short blonde hair. She wore a pink dapper dress and a headband with a feather in it. “I work at a jazz club in the city and I also sing at performances.”

“I love singing too!” said Charlie. “Have you met my friend Alastor yet?”

Mimzy’s eyes dilated. “Oh believe me dearie, I have.”

She walked inside before Charlie could ask what she meant.

“Crymini,” said a teen hellhound dressed in leather and ripped jeans. Rock music blared from skull earphones. “I like rock, metal, and looking at porn,” she said. “Don’t expect me to change those behaviors.”

“O-okay then,” Charlie smiled nervously as Crymini stepped in. “Be like Angel, I suppose.”

The last person had the appearance of a blue bipedal angler fish. He wore a dark lab coat with black gloves. Yellow goggles covered his eyes.

“I’m Baxter,” he said. “I’m a scientist and I prefer being alone. I just need a quiet place to…do some research for the time being.”

“Excellent, welcome then,” said Charlie as he stepped through the doors.

“By the way, why does it say “Hazbin Hotel” on the roof?”

“Baxter, it doesn’t say…” Charlie looked up and sure enough the words had changed.

She turned into her fiery demon form before slamming the door.

“WHO CHANGED MY NAME FOR THE HOTEL?!”

Alastor merely whistled a cheery tune.

“And there you have it,” Katie said. “A Hazbin Hotel for a bunch of Has Been freaks…all run by Charlotte! Stay tuned for more nightly news, reruns and more.”

Sir Pentious turned off the TV and lay down. All the work that needed to be done, the inventions to create, the plans to make…it would take some time for sure. But not if he had extra help.

Thankfully, no one else had noticed the recording device that Baxter kept behind his fin-like ear…a device used specifically to report to his boss…Sir Pentious himself.

Sir Pentious moved his hand to a similar device on his wrist.

“Blubberfish,” he hissed. “What’s going on over there?”

A European accent mixed with watery sounds came through. He appeared to be whispering. “Not now, boss. Too many subjects in proximity to exchange words.”

“Say what?”

“Can’t talk, now.”

“But you just did…”

Sir Pentious heard the hotel residents talking among themselves while Baxter sat and paid them no mind. He was very good at blending in for a few minutes before moving back into the shadows. After gathering more intel, Baxter stepped into an elevator and pushed the button for the basement. The doors opened again into darkness.

The vast basement had stacks of crates, rats, and old pieces of junk. Extra pieces of furniture lay here and there. Against a brick wall were skeletons attached to black chains. Bare round lightbulbs hung from the ceiling.

Baxter maneuvered around the chairs, crates, clutter, and cobwebs until reaching a small metal elevator in a right hand corner on the other side. He typed in a code on a keypad. Gently, he leaned forward and placed his esca into a small hole below the set of numbered buttons.

An affirming beep sounded and the metal doors opened. Baxter stepped in and the doors closed. He felt the elevator descending before coming to a stop. The doors slid open again, letting in cold, stale air.

He walked along the dark narrow stone passageway, his esca lighting the way.

Soon he came across double doors with handles shaped like tridents. He opened them.

Teal fluorescent lights hummed and flickered from the ceiling. The lab was filled with machines, bubbling chambers, and rows of vials and flasks. Shelves in the metal walls held books, cages, and the occasional fish hook. A work desk had a computer, some white colored modern microscopes and blueprints stacked neatly on the table. Several cages held white and black rats in them, another held a few guinea pigs.

But that was nothing compared with the marine life.

Tanks held anglerfish, tuna, angelfish, and one under constructed for a shark. Fish-bones hung from hooks along a mantle. Other doors to the far end led to a bathroom and bedroom, oceanic themes present in the overall architecture.

The windows showed giant eels, sharks, fish and other sea creatures swimming in a large lake. Seaweed and coral swayed in the water as the scaly monsters swam past. Baxter felt at home being surrounded by the ocean. All the creatures among him, yet he was also protected and safe in his orderly bubble made of metal, glass and waterproof material.

Someday, he and the sea life would bring floods to the harsh heat of Hell. All the chaos and ceaseless chatter would be washed away in a sea of salt water and flame. Yes, his work would be recognized…and the results would lead to a steady success. Those he despised and those lost in their ignorant ways would ensure a similar fate to his…only he would get to enjoy his orchestrated spread of chemicals, diseases, fear, and psychological warfare.

Science was infallible…unmatched…even greater than magic and authoritarian power.

He would be the one to bring a New World Order.

Dexter Ryan Solace was his full human name…in Hell he was simply known as Baxter.

He led out a maddening laugh before getting to work. The sounds of explosions and roars echoed and vibrated.

But his laughter eventually fell into sudden silence when he listened to his boss’ last message.

“You are to gather intel for me so that hideous place and its inhabitants can be…thoroughly dealt with. You may poke and prod anyone left as you wish. Under no circumstances are you to genuinely befriend anyone at the hotel and forget about your mission. And whatever you do, do not anger the Radio Demon. We’ll be meeting soon...little Geekfish.”

Back in Sir Pentious’ lair, Sir Pentious sighed and fell into bed. It wasn’t easy being a supervillain sometimes.

“Dad,” whimpered a small voice.

Sir Pentious turned around. He stared into the large fearful eyes of an Egg Boi.

“I had a nightmare and I can’t fall back asleep. Can I sleep with you?”

“How about no.”

“Please?” the egg begged. “At least let me tell you what it was about.”

“I don’t wanna hear it.”

“A big mean owl had us for dinner? And by us I mean us eggs and…um…”

“Me? Nonsense!”

“I-it’s true. He was a scary owl with a crown on his head and he said he was very hungry…”

Sir Pentious rolled his eyes. “Fine. But just for tonight.”

“Oh thank you!” The egg jumped onto the bed and rolled to the pillow next to his boss.

“Sir, I can’t sleep either.”

“What the…”

Another egg boi had arrived.

“My bed of hay was too uncomfortable. And I need a drink of water.”

“You’re an egg,” Sir Pentious noted, warning in his tone.

“Can I stay with you?”

Sir Pentious grumbled. There was no escaping these guys.

A third egg. “Sir, can I come in?”

A fourth egg. “Why does egg 66 get to sleep with you?”

“Can you read me a bedtime story?”

“Oh, tell us about your killing spree adventures!”

“Number 6, move out of the way!”

“I’m number 9, you fool!”

“Sorry, you looked alike.”

More eggs rolled in by the dozens. They crowded onto the bed and some hopped onto the snake’s lap.

“For Satan’s sake!” Sir Pentious groaned. “Go back to bed.”

But the eggs would not budge. Some of them talked while others fell asleep.

Sir Pentious blocked out the noise and uncomfortable sensations of hard shells pressed against him.

He had to meet with Baxter.

Partnership

1913, Hell

Sir Pentious slithered along the streets on Pentagram City, trying to keep his head up and tall. His clothing was torn in several places and there was a gash on his scaly dark gray chest. Demons gawked at the sinner who would usually scare off anyone he saw. But this time, several demons mocked and sneered.

“So claimed king of all Hell, ha! What’d you get beaten by this time?”

“Old man…not so pompous now are you?”

“Fuck you!”

“Snake can’t catch a break!”

Sir Pentious hissed in anger, his eyes glowing red. The demons backed off and fell silent. The eyes in his hood glowed, catching the attention of the demons. The demons began fighting each other minutes after staring at the hypnotizing orbs.

He walked away and wondered toward the repair shop.

Indeed, he had been beaten badly by a formidable foe: Stolas the Gnostic owl demon king. After razing several towns and sending the survivors away in fear, Sir Pentious, confident as ever, wanted to take his conquests to the next level: royalty. Sir Pentious had created a gigantic airship with cannons that destroyed several buildings and killed many denizens in the process. Demons were hard to kill but not impossibly so. The snake’s bombs and firepower made sure of that.

Unfortunately for him, Stolas wasn’t very happy that his kingdom was being invaded by an outside force. Worse still, the snake demon didn’t appear to want to “show him respect and spend an intimate night to satisfy his hunger.” Thankfully, Princess Octavia and Princess Charlie were hanging out safely at Charlie’s palace.

Stolas flew outside, right in front of Sir Pentious’ ship.

“Prepare to meet you end, bird-brain!” Sir Pentious cried with a maniacal laugh as he fired up a canon. The canon blasted into Stolas’ wings, which he used as shields.

With an ear-piercing screech and a flap of his wings, Stolas blew the airship away from the palace, sending it into a nearby lake of fire. Sir Pentious yelled in pain as the airship crashed with a splash. Owl guards soon surrounded the airship in the air, holding swords.

“Show yourself and put your hands in the air!” they called.

Sir Pentious climbed out of a hatch and stared at the guards. Anger was evident in his eyes, but he always had something up his sleeve. With a slow forming smirk, he opened up his hood, the many pink eyes glowing and pulsing with energy. The guards stood dazed in midair, allowing the serpent to slip away over the lake and out of sight. One white owl guard flew and blocked his way, but Sir Pentious took him down with a venomous bite. The guard yelped and doubled down in pain as Sir Pentious vanished.

What a foolhardy move that was.

Now Sir Pentious was facing the music for his ego.

He was almost to the repair shop. His airship in the lake was not only burnt beyond repair, but he had lost crucial weapons and tools on the ship. He, too, would’ve died a second death had he stayed in the ship too long.

“Someday…Hell will be mine,” he muttered to himself. “Lucifer, the princess, Stolas…they’ll all bow before me as they witness my mass weapons of destruction. Sinners everywhere will fear my name, even Satan himself will shake. I won’t give up so easily. After all, in war, the side with the most style is the winning side.”

He observed his tattered clothing with a sad look on his face. “So much for style.” Even his top hat frowned and dropped slightly.

Just then, he heard a scuffling sound coming from an alleyway. The eye on his top hat widened. He froze and sniffed the air with his tongue. It smelled...fishy.

He inched closer to the source of the sound, careful not to get too close.

“Low-class scum,” he muttered. “I should do them a favor and dispose of them.”

He took out a small gun from his belt and aimed it at the narrow lane of shadow.

“Show yourself and say your prayers!” he called with a click of the weapon.

The luminescent glow of yellow eyes appeared from the darkness.

“Back off!” growled a voice.

Sir Pentious scoffed. “Hah! Those are your last words?”

“Back off, I say!”

Sir Pentious fired his gun and the figure hit the ground with a thud.

Moments later the figure stood up again. A green blast flashed through the darkness, shrinking Sir Pentious’ gun on contact.

“What the…” he gasped as he dropped the mini tool in shock. It clanked to the ground.

A white blaster with a rounded end was pointed at his face.

“Do you mind? I’m trying to work on zis project ‘ere.”

The figure’s accent was European, Germanic.

Slowly, the figure stepped into the light. He wore dark shoes and a long gray lab coat with yellow buttons down the center. He had the teal blue gray face of a female anglerfish, with upward facing fins for ears. He wore black rubber gloves. His hair was dark blue and short, swept back, with little light blue dots off to the side. His eyes were cyan with red pupils and his rows of sharp teeth were also cyan in color. Over his eyes were yellow protective goggles. On his head was a small gray top hat with an esca light hanging down.

Currently, the fish’s forehead had a smoking hole in the center. For demons, cuts, wounds and scratches could heal up relatively quickly, perhaps even faster than humans. (They were undead in a world designed for sinners). But they still hurt like Hell.

“Lass mich allein.”

“What?” Sir Pentious asked. He peered behind the figure and saw a pot on a portable stove, vials of colorful liquids beside it. The water inside was neon green and bubbling.

“Es gibt keine Ruhe für die Intelligenten.”

Sir Pentious growled. “What are you saying?”

The fish demon ignored him, keeping his shrink ray aimed at Sir Pentious. Sir Pentious remained in place.

“What are you making?” Sir Pentious asked.

The scientist scoffed. “Like I’d tell you.”

“How very uncouth of you,” remarked Sir Pentious. “Is that how you greet a gentleman?”

“This is Hell, no one cares. I certainly don’t.”

“I’m Sir Pentious, and you will treat me with respect.”

“I’m Baxter and I don’t give a flying fin. Auf wiedersehen.”

Baxter sat down and began to pour some more liquids into the pot: light blue, a hint of orange, some yellow, a few drops of pink.

When the mixture was ready, it emitted some sparks. Baxter let out a laugh. “Oh yes! There it iz! My first successful poison in Hell. This should keep any intruders at bay for now.”

He stood up and soon narrowed his eyes.

“Why are you still here, snake man?!”

Why was he still here?

Indeed, that was a reasonable question. Any moment would’ve been ideal for the supervillain to leave and continue on with his afterlife. But Sir Pentious became curious. He had seen dozens of sinners during his time. Most of them were drug addicts, murderers, porn enthusiasts, thieves, and a majority of demons who did their own things. There were several other demons, those that preyed on children or were cruel to animals…no one associated themselves with them…at least the sane ones didn’t.

Yet in all his years spent in Hell, Sir Pentious had not seen another inventor.

Deep down, the snake got this feeling…a random need for some form of solidarity. Finding another demon with a similar passion for inventing…the idea itself eased the somewhat uncomfortable sense of loneness that sometimes crept up.

Or, alternatively, he’d have fun competing with another brilliant rival.

Why was he still here?

It was a question that Sir Pentious soon answered.

“I was curious to see what you were doing.”

“Well, unless you are blind, I’m making a modified poison from the spine of a pufferfish. But I won’t hesitate to use it on you if I must.”

Sir Pentious laughed this time. “You? All puny and short, dried like a raisin? You have the brains but you have no weapons for it.”

Baxter waved his shrink ray in front of him.

“Well, there is that, but wouldn’t it be more effective to shoot the poison out of a gun? Perhaps from different barrels at the same time?”

“I can make weapons, ya know,” Baxter replied, stirring up the mixture. Green smoke swirled out from the pot. “Robots, A.I., substances are my specialties. Besides, the poison would need to be contained, modified for dat purpose.”

“No one can make inventions as great as mine,” Sir Pentious bragged. “Be glad you’re not fighting me over the next territory. Now…I really should get going.”

“Where? Back to your hidey hole? To lick your wounds?”

He stuttered a bit, trying for a comeback.

“Pretty much!” the snake answered, crossing his arms.

Baxter began meticulously pouring the new substance into small glass vials with lines on them. They were sealed shut with beer corks. He began packing up his things into a small black bag.

“Where are you going?”

“Back home?”

“Home? Is it a lab?”

“Sadly not.”

Baxter glanced over at a lake not consumed by flames.

“You live in a lake?”

“Ya. I can turn into an anglerfish…a blue one with a cyan esca. Sharp teeth that can drag people down. Like snake men.”

Sir Pentious scoffed and waved his hand dismissively. “Please, science scum. You’ll never find me in my cave lair. Though…it is a bit cramped in there.”

“As is my place,” Baxter replied. “One can’t exactly do experiments under ze water.”

“You’re smart. Make a lab up on the surface.”

“Easier said than done,” Baxter scoffed. “You’re nothing but an egocentric old sot. Go jump into dat volcano and get out of my sight!”

Sir Pentious glanced over at a tall pyramid shaped hunk of rock, standing tall in the distance, where Baxter was pointing.

Baxter turned to leave. Sir Pentious gripped onto his arm. Baxter slapped his hand away and bared cyan fangs.

“Touch me again, and you’ll die ze death of a thousand stings.”

“Same to you if you ever touch me.”

“Ha! Your threats are hot air. Light, forgettable, utterly pathetic.”

“Why…I beg your pardon!”

“Ya heard me, reptile-ape demon. Ya done talking?”

“Never.”

Sir Pentious stared at the short scientist who looked so out of place in comparison with many other demons…and suddenly giggled. The scientist raised his eyebrows. “Vat is so funny?”

“You must be a witch with that cauldron you had.”

Baxter stomped his foot. “And you…crazy old school villain. Where’s the mustache and black hat? Got any sidekicks to do your work for you?”

“I can do all my work on my own, thank you very much,” the villain replied.

Sir Pentious paused in thought. Could he really, though? He had no army, no allies. No one but himself to blame after every failure. It was a 50/50 chance that he would succeed or fail at any given day. Perhaps the addition of a…servant or a slave…could tilt the odds in his favor.

He slowly turned around back toward Baxter. “Or perhaps…I could have someone do work for me?”

Baxter put his hand up to his chest, eyebrows furrowed. “Me? Have you gone mad? I work for no one but myself. I dedicated my life to research and science…and in this strange realm, I’ll continue to do so.”

“Let me help you then.”

“I don’t need any help. Especially not from you.”

Sir Pentious glanced around. “So you’ve lived hidden from society for how long?”

“Well if you must know, I’ve kept mostly to myself since a year ago when I appeared here.”

Sir Pentious clicked his tongue. “No labs, no friends, not much of a hideout. Don’t you want your work to be recognized more? If you’re as talented and…eccentric as I think, you could instill fear in those around you. I’ve done it for years.”

“Like I’d want any of that drama. Conquering territories…utter childish nonsense!”

“Hey! That sure beats moping over books in seclusion all the time,” Sir Pentious added, having noticed the physics books that Baxter had tucked in his bag.

“And anyway, why can’t you make labs?” Sir Pentious asked.

“Because the other demons perceive me as weak whenever I’m nearby. I have to go up to the surface to buy food and tools. I guess I could make labs underground, instead…oh but maybe that won’t do...”

“I’ll make the labs for you. You’ll have a place to stay to conduct your so called experiments.”

“I told you before I don’t need your help. Plus, I don’t trust you.”

“Of course you don’t. I’d expect nothing less from demon commoners. But in exchange, you’ll need to help me with my machines.”

“I can easily do that…if I had agreed to help you in ze first place!” Baxter laughed.

“No sense of style, no life, what a shame,” Sir Pentious said, letting out a sigh. “Live like a fish underwater for all I care. No resources, no recognition. A sad life for a mad scientist.”

Baxter just stared in disbelief, words lost on his lips. His scowl couldn’t hide the uncertainty in his eyes.

Sir Pentious continued. “Have fun taking risks on the surface and trying to defend yourself against sinners. Tally ho!”

Sir Pentious turned to leave.

Baxter gripped tightly on his shrink ray. He told himself that now would be a good opportunity to shrink the showy bastard from behind. But he hesitated.

How much longer could Baxter last on the streets, moving from wet to dry environments for so long? Everyone else had jobs, friends, and even families. Not that he wanted to go out and socialize…he’d rather drown again.

But he couldn’t live as a hermit…even in Hell. He had to find a way to get some stability in his afterlife.

Perhaps he could even knock this inventor off his pedestal. Then he could be in the spotlight behind the scenes as it were.

“Wait!” Baxter called.

A sly grin formed on the snake’s face as he slowly turned back around.

“Yes?”

“I’ll…I’ll help you with your machines and everything. Just…help me get somewhere for me to live on land...but not far from the water. And I do want my work to be known…but not who or where I am.”

“Fair enough. I do have some conditions.”

“As do I,” said Baxter. Both demons squared up. Sir Pentious spoke first.

“I’ll need an army to help me conquer territory.”

“And I’ll need some subjects to experiment on.”

Sir Pentious spotted a nearby blue demon with six arms and red eyes. He dashed over to it and paralyzed it with a bite. He dragged the demon’s limp form over to Baxter.

“Ugh, not now, you imbecile. When I have the proper equipment to use.” He paused. “But I must say, your reflexes and speed are impressive.”

“Why thank you.”

Baxter glanced up at a flickering sign that read “Snake N’ Eggs Café, where all your eggs are deviled!” In neon lights, a green snake stood with an egg in its mouth. Neon white circles of eggs appeared to roll behind the snake.

“Hmm…I think I have an idea for your army,” Baxter said. “Snakes like to eat eggs and from eggs hatch more snakes.”

“So make more snakes from eggs?”

“Well I could, but the birthing process would take a while. And though you’re a snake demon, the DNA of sinners is slightly altered in comparison to the Hellborn. Missing chromosomes from ze sinners don’t allow for reproduction, not mammalian nor reptilian procreation…”

Sir Pentous growled, “Speak English, fish geek.”

Baxter paused. “You can’t give birth and make eggs. Which means we’ll have to artificially create the eggs.”

“Oh.”

“Yes…why not try…bringing the portable womb to life? Replace the yok with organs and label each one on the posterior shell with numbers. Find real eggs, enhance their sizes for a greater circumference ratio. Nourish each egg in growth containers, clone them, wait for them to come alive, repeat the process…”

Sir Pentious stared blankly.

“Weren’t ya listening?”

Sir Pentious raised an eyebrow.

Baxter frowned held out his hands like he was grabbing onto something circular. “Eggs,” he exasperated. “Grow and nourish eggs, bring them to life, and they’ll do everything you ask!”

“Oh right,” Sir Pentious replied. “Living eggs. For food and my army. This could work…”

“Brilliant. It costs 1,000…um, what’s the proper term for currency here?”

“Souls.”

“Oh right. Souls. You got that much?”

“I can see you don’t. How long have you been wearing that outfit, huh?”

Judging by the stench from it, it had been a while.

“You need cleaning up. New clothes, new look, perhaps a new home. Everything will fall into place, I assure you. You can come into my lair…after we negotiate.”

He held out his hand.

Baxter stepped back. “No way in Hell am I making any deals with you, let alone going with you. I can pick up some things while I’m here.”

“I need my army made now.”

“Not until I have my labs completed and you being my first test subject.”

“I need the egg army to…protect and help us while the labs are being created.”

Baxter paused. “Well I…erm…” He looked around and spotted a palace with several red apple trees in the gardens.

“Hahaha!” He suddenly laughed. “I might as well kill you now!”

Baxter fired the shrink ray, but Sir Pentious moved out of the way. With the flick of his long black tail, he knocked the scientist down and kicked the weapon away. Baxter quickly stood up.

“In that case, I’ll call the princess. I’m sure her and her father and mother would love to hear how you terrorized towns and killed so many people in turf wars!”

This time, Sir Pentious froze for a moment. One mistake and Lucifer could easily destroy him.

“Oh yes, Lucifer won’t be happy. But who knows, you might even survive his punishment…when you’re sent to the void!”

Sir Pentious looked ready to strike. “You’re not underwater anymore, good sir. You’re in my domain and you’d best remember that. By the way, how do you even know about my victories?”

“I read the daily paper. Now then, it’s over, snake man.”

Baxter made a dash for it, only for Sir Pentious to stick out his tail, causing him to trip. He fell with an “Oof!” Sir Pentious’ shadow loomed over him.

Sir Pentious grinned. “Very well then…we can discuss this later on…”

Before Baxter could make another move, Sir Pentious opened up his hood. The pink eyes glowed and hummed. The effect was mesmerizing. The scientist could not look away, no matter how hard he tried. Baxter’s eyes dilated and his body swayed. A loud hiss and a blur of rapid movement. A sharp prick raged from his cyan hand.

Venom could not kill demons necessarily. It only made them sick, drugged or paralyzed.

Sir Pentous hadn’t sunk his teeth in too deep…but it was sufficient enough to make Baxter gasp and double over on the ground.

Baxter made a mental note on the use of hypnosis on future subjects before his mind went fuzzy. Sir Pentious’ maniacal laughter was the last thing he heard.

Baxter slowly opened his eyes and found himself on a bunk bed inside of a cave. The cave was filled with weapons, tools and inventions in progress. Up on the wall was a recently made blueprint of a hideout and a volcano. The small workspace area had no windows. Baxter was free to move around, but the doors nearby were heavily locked.

He walked over to a desk. A note was tapped to it and bold words were written on it.

“Geek fish,

You will be safe from other demons here. Do not try to escape, for I know the ins and outs of this cavern. You’ll find a variety of tools to use and trays of food and water by your window. You may not leave until my egg army has been successfully made for me.

- Sir Pentious”

In just a few weeks, Baxter had helped create the Egg Bois for Sir Pentious. The number of eggs eventually grew until he had an army of them.

The newly formed eggs rolled out of upright white chambers, when the doors hissed open. Each incubator and hatch could hold a dozen eggs. Indeed, the capsules that held the growing eggs were modeled after egg cartons. In the capsule, the eggs had been growing and suspended in yellow-tinted water surrounded by round glass coverings. Like regular eggs in a carton, the biological ones were slightly separated in rows.

“HAHAHAHAHAHA!” Baxter cackled, as the eggs climbed out of the artificial wombs with their small arms and legs. “THEY’RE ALIVE!”

“We get it, Frankenstein,” Sir Pentious replied, also boring a sinister grin.

Right away, after the eggs were born, the eggs surrounded Sir Pentious and cheered.

“Welcome Mr. Bossman! We’re not worthy!” they praised.

Sir Pentious smirked but looked confused when Baxter laughed.

“What?”

“Don’t get too used to it,” he said. We both made them so they would be obedient but…I may have tweaked their personalities a bit. To make things more…intimate.”

Several eggs nudged against Sir Pentious and one of them ran his little black hand suggestively along his jacket.

Sir Pentious fired back with yells as Baxter laughed some more.

“Well…well done,” Sir Pentious remarked, genuinely impressed, after he hissed at the eggs to back off. “Now, follow me.”

“Where are we going?” Baxter asked.

“To construct your labs of course.”

Baxter was momentarily shocked. Did he hear him right?

“So…you’re not gonna…ya know…”

“Kill you?” asked the snake. “No, not yet. You’re useful enough, and quite frankly, very intelligent, savant even.”

“No one has ever said anything like that. You sure you’re not lying?” He grinned.

“Of course you nowhere near as sophisticated as me, but you’re reliable enough.”

“Bullshit! I’ll prove to you that I’m the better creator in this inferno.”

“Heh, we’ll see about that.”

Baxter’s lab was soon finished a few weeks later (the building process would’ve taken far longer in the human world.)

“Well, there you have it,” said Sir Pentious.

“Thank you so much,” said Baxter.

“You’re free to go,” said Sir Pentious. “But please…do come back and help me out sometimes.”

“I’ll be alone in my lab most of the year,” he replied.

“You can’t stay down there forever,” he countered. “For your hard work, I’ll spare destroying you.”

“I guess…you won’t have to be my test subject after all,” said Baxter. Then he thought, “At least for now.”

Sir Pentious held out his hand. “Until we meet again?”

Baxter shook it. “Until we meet again.”

Green light suddenly flashed around them, the light emitting from their clasped hands. Baxter yanked his hand free and yelped like he had been shocked. Indeed, streams of electricity traveled along Sir Pentious’ hands before fizzing out. Sir Pentious let out a sinister laugh as the green light and blowing force around them vanished.

“You, my friend, just fell for the oldest trick in the book! You unknowingly just made a deal with me. Congratulations, you work for me now!”

“You traitor!” Baxter spat. He was half tempted to turn into a giant cyan blue anglerfish with a long body, sharp teeth and tail, his full demon form.

But Sir Pentious would only knock him out again.

“There’s nothing you can do now,” he said. “We now collaborate with each other. You’re my assistant and spy…and slave if you don’t behave.”

“Why can’t I be in charge?”

“I initiated the deal,” said Sir Pentious. “I’ve been here longer. Plus, you’ve got your labs made soon, all of your required equipment.”

Baxter swore in German.

“With my army and my machines, Hell will eventually belong to me! And you’ll get to see the fruit of my…er…our labors. See you around, Baxter.”

With that, the villain laughed and left, leaving Baxter dumbfounded.

Exterminators Attack

Hell, December 31st 1913

Sir Pentious and Baxter evade the Exterminators and learn about their weapons. When the Extermination is over, Sir Pentious and Baxter bond over slaughtering demons and taking over land. They also discuss their inventions and even make stuff together.

Radio Demon Arrives

Hell, 1933

Sir Pentious and Baxter witness Alastor emerging from the shadow world, bathe din power. He almost kills Baxter when Baxter tries to study him but Sir Pentious distracts him enough to allow Baxter to escape. He is able to hypnotize/hold off Alastor for ten seconds before he is brutally knocked unconscious by him. Baxter hides until the radio static fades away, then quickly retrieves Sir Pentious and heals him in his lab.

Alastor and Sir Pentious fight over Sir Pentious’ claimed town and the snake loses, barely managing to escape.

Story of a Snake

London, 1800s/1888

Birthday March 8 1848 (Stamper’s birthday is March 8 1983)

Died October 8, 1888 (all the eights!)

Human name/s: Sangui (snake, Latin), Daedalus, (cunning in Greek)

Aristocrat, white face, long black hair, cunning eyes, thin chin, inventor, bisexual. Had pet cats. Drank tea. Died after a machine crushed him, leaving him stranded in a blizzard.

Died in 1888 in his 40s.

Fish out of Water

Germany, 1912

Died 1912 Birthday: May 2 1890 (supposed voice actor Vincent Tong birthday May 2 1980)

Human name: Dexter Ryan Solace (Dexter from Dexter’s laboratory)

Named after Ryan Solace, the fan voice actor who made Baxter’s Science Serenade)

Scientist, white face, short black hair, sea green eyes, wears a white lab coat and goggles. Performed unethical experiments on people. Wanted to kill off the dumb and ignorant, spreading disease/chemicals etc. Loved the oceans but also fished a lot and harmed marine life. Lurks in the shadows like the anglerfish. Died like “a fish out of water” on a boat and drowned while on the way to a new life in the U.S.

Nefarious Niffty

Nelly, 1950s

Niffty backstory of how she worked as a housemaid, chimney sweeper and killed her abusive husband. Her name was Nelly, white skin, short black hair. She died in the 1950s. She became obsessed and romantic, sewing together human skin for dresses. She would sometimes kill other women when they tried to interfere with her hitting on men. She also rejected her Christian upbringing, though she still had to clean and cook to make a living. When her parents died from illness/pox, she wrote fanfiction and read alone. Her fanfiction is the sexual/fluff, bad typical kind.

At age 22, she got shot three times near her hips as retaliation. She was held against her will near the flames and smoke, which killed her. Her body was thrown in a fireplace and thus she ended up in Hell, where she later made a deal with Alastor. She got trapped in a lake of fire until she was summoned by Alastor when he easily charmed her into making a deal with him.

Present day

Niffty likes Alastor, Baxter, Vox, Sir Pentious and pretty much any man. She wants a fantasy world where she can have them all to herself...a world of order, cleanliness, and spilled blood.

Hazbin Misfits

Present day, episode 2

The scene starts with everyone eating Alastor’s jambalaya. The other misfits arrive at the hotel and adventures ensue. Even Alastor’s parents are also seen.

Baxter befriends the other residents, being closest to Niffty, Crymini and Mimzy. But Baxter suspects that there’s more to Niffty than her cheerful demeanor would suggest. He starts to develop small affectionate feelings for Crymini, but little does he know that Sir Pentious has feelings for him. He has nightmares about Sir Pentious burning Hell and the Hazbin Hotel, and watching him devour a helpless Crymini as the egg bois surround him. (But Baxter is thankful that he is not Alastor and knows that he is worse than Sir Pentious.)

What if the same person who helped create the Egg Bois for Sir Pentious, was also the same person he had a crush on? When two mad geniuses start to collaborate on inventions, their feelings might become more than casual associations.

Introducing: Baxtious (Baxter and Sir Pentious)

Sir Pentious meets with Baxter after his recent defeat by Alastor. Where else but in... "Baxter's Laboratory!"

Part 1: That’s Sabotage (Sir Pentious)

Part 2: The creation (and recreation) of the Egg Bois (Baxter)

Part 2: Back to the 1800s: cruel fashionable CEO (Sir Pentious)

Part 3: Back to the 1950s: Science studier, loner, and initiator of unethical experiments (Baxter) (born an Aquarius)

Baxter quotes: “Back off!” (like Myron Reducto)

“No touching, no adjusting, and most importantly, no breaking!” – Baxter to Charlie and others when they visit one of his labs at the Hazbin Hotel

“Results must be published, shared to the world like ripples in the ocean. Yes, I do desire to work alone in my controlled environment, but the fun comes from observing the catastrophic results behind the scenes!”

“So what if my experiments were unethical? Sometimes, a great price comes with the pursuit of knowledge. I’d never get as far as I did without taking some…risks as it were. Rats gave their little lives for me to test my formulas. Aquatic creatures contained and brought to the surface to test underwater technology. And poor humans (and later demons), brought into my labs against their will, all for the greater good of science! Prison studies, electric shocks, suspended animation, injections, all just the tip of the iceberg. Knowledge is power…and with great power comes great responsibility.”

“Yes, I was the one who helped him create his dozens of egg minions. He mentioned “a stylish all-powerful lord like me needs an endless army!” He came up with the idea of using eggs, as snakes are born from eggs. Was certainly been better than, say an army of rats (which he would eat). We put mini-brains and organs mixed with egg yok and brought them to life with some electricity and a bit of magic. We have almost a thousand, now. I also assist him with repairs to his airship, ray guns, weapons etc. In exchange, he spares my underground labs from being destroyed on the surface and I provide him with a lair to plan his schemes.”

-Baxter about Sir Pentious

“I despise being touched and bothered when I’m doing my work. Sir Pentious feels the same way. Good thing is, I don’t have Egg Bois running around trying to pester me with ass kissing and sexual innuendos. Unlike him, I don’t boast about my accomplishments to everyone. He goes out there and claims Hell as his turf, while I prefer to keep to myself. He makes war machines mostly, while I specialize in poisons, chemicals, potions, and yes, A.I.s too. I have a secret shrink ray I use in self-defense.” -Baxter

“Some call me “a little gremlin fish,” the nerve of them! So what if I occasionally cause some power outages and make Vox mad? It’s all for research and figuring things out. I still have yet to figure out how that overlord Alastor got to be so powerful. If only I could harness the powers of other demons and use them for further study. I could perhaps make A.I. soldiers with all their powers, then I’d truly be an unstoppable force in Hell! Hahahahaha!”

Niffty: *knocks on the door* “Housekeeping!”

Baxter: (sighs)

“Like anglerfish, I reside in the depths and darkness of Hell, using light or perhaps my unique appearance to lure gullible prey to their inevitable doom. I read that male anglerfish latch onto and fuse with females like parasites. I latch onto Lady Science.” – Baxter

“Sir Pentious is picky about fashion and social class. I’m preoccupied with order and cleanliness. Everything must be in their proper place when I’m around. Though I may be a mad scientist, there is order in my chaos. Hell is so disorganized and loud, and messy. Not to mention the insufferable heat and the crowds. Not the most ideal environment, that’s for sure.”

-Baxter

Baxter: Neurotic, logical, OCD, theorizes that Niffty (being small) is evil?

Part 4: Machine malfunction and blizzard death: from an untrusting “snake” to real snake (Sir Pentious)

Part 5: Drowning like the Titanic: once a “shark” now an anglerfish. Anglerfish with its glowing lights was the creature Baxter experimented on the most…then fate said the tides must turn. (Baxter)

Part 6: Baxter’s Laboratory

Alastor was both fond of deer and hunted them. He was shot like a "deer in the headlights."

Katie was like a locust, annoying, focused only on herself, a real deadly "bugger."

Tom Trench died in the trenches from gas and thus had a gas mask for a face.

Vox died from being crushed by a TV, during a time when television became popular.

Sir Pentious liked snakes but was a dirty "snake in the grass" in life.

Angel Dust was caught in the web of drugs and porn, and would lure others in like a deadly spider.

"Curiosity killed the cat" for Husk when he gambled and drank himself to death after a debt and the Vietnam War.

Vaggie in life was fond of moths but she herself was lured to the light that was romance/freedom...falling into danger too late.

Cyclops were strong and worked for Gods, similar to how Niffty works for Alastor and how strong she is. Cherri Bomb is strong but she doesn't work for anyone (that we know of)

Stolas is a Gnostic owl demon, who taught knowledge and ruled over many legions of demons.

Baxter liked marine life and the oceans, but also harmed the fish he caught in the name of science. He died like a "fish out of water," taking on anglerfish traits.

#hazbinhotel #hazbinhoteltheory #sir pentious #baxter #inventors #baxtious #sir pentious and baxter

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kathyprior4200 · 4 years

Text

Hazbin Hotel Pilot: That’s Entertainment! (Kathy Prior 42 Remix)

“A Helluva Beginning”

For millions of years, far off into the vast expanse of space, there were three known worlds: Heaven, Earth, and Hell. In Heaven, perfection, order, fun, and peace were the main priorities. Merged within all black matter, Mother V created God, who in turn, created everything. God often appeared as a man wearing a top hat with a Christian Cross on it, with a similar appearance to Jesus. Other times, He appeared as a single eye with galaxies spiraling in the ethereal orb. His Archangels served as his guards and advisers: Michael, Gabriel, Uriel, Raphael and the angel of Death, Azrael. They made up a larger angel council, which discussed different matters. Some of the citizens were humans with white wings while others were animal-like, displaying features of swans, dogs, cats and other “nice” creatures. Some even had the features of plants and musical instruments. The majority of the Archangels had white faces, red blushes on their cheeks and silky hair.

The buildings in Heaven were silver, gold, and some were embedded with precious gems. The citizens learned prayer, singing, dancing, and being kind to each other. The society was heavily bent on basic rules: honor thy father and mother, no smoking, drinking, lust, or gambling. Cussing was not allowed. A glowing blue Christian Cross remained overhead in the blue sky.

But not everything was cheery in paradise. In fact, God himself declared that only human souls worthy enough to balance out their sins with virtues would be able to go to Heaven when they died. White, straight, Christian men always got the first pick by default. Indeed, only a few elite had the privilege to pass through the golden gates… the rest were sent to Hell, even ordinary do-gooders who were still seen as “flawed” by those in Heaven. The standards of perfection were practically impossible for anyone to live up to.

God and his motherly ally Adina weren’t happy that the formerly loyal light bearer Lucifer had been a traitor. Lucifer created Hell as a world where sinners could do what they wanted. But to those in Heaven, the sinners needed to suffer and learn their place. So God, Adina and the angels came up with a solution: the Exterminators.

The dark ruthless beings appeared to be hybrids between angels and dark monstrous birds of prey. Their faces had LED grins and Xs over their right eyes. They had horns and long bird-like necks and talons. The Exterminators were used to exterminate the citizens of Hell to not only reduce their population, but to also plant fear. They possessed silver holy weapons that could kill any demon. The beings were made creepy on purpose: to fight fear with fear. They were sent down once a year to Hell purging the citizens at random.

Lucifer was originally a light-bearing angel, and part of God’s inner circle. He looked very similar to his current appearance: white face, short white elegant hair, and pearly white teeth (not sharp fangs). Like the other archangels, he would make sure that everything was in order, that rules were followed, and that the former humans were having fun. He even helped make chains of flowers and daises.

Lucifer’s fall began one fateful day when God created mankind, declaring them to be children made in His Image. The special treatment didn’t sit too well with Lucifer, who prided himself on being the most divine angel under God. Why should Man be able to reproduce and get into Heaven, when the angels were inherently superior?

God welcomed ordinary people with open arms. What was even more bizarre, was the arrival of former humans now in animal-like forms and vivid colors: horses, dogs, lions, eagles, even mythical creatures. Appalled by the sudden changes, Lucifer claimed that those “inferior mortals” should not be granted access to paradise. God and the other archangels disagreed with him.

Raphael was Lucifer’s opposite. Unlike him, Raphael was kindhearted and discouraged any form of pride. He took his role in service to God very seriously…and if that meant the creation of humanity, then he would still be loyal. Gabriel and Michael quickly took God’s side.

It wasn’t long before Lucifer and the archangels Michael, Gabriel, etc. engaged in battle. Lucifer wasn’t alone: there was another angel named Azarael who was Lucifer’s friend and adviser. Lucifer fought Gabriel and Michael with his signature sword, the Morning Star.

Michael also battled Lucifer’s darker form Satan, which had emerged from him after his anger was released. Michael used a flaming sword while the darker Lucifer used the similar version of Lucifer’s weapon. Satan was quickly vanquished from Heaven, soon trapped in Hell’s Ring of Treachery.

Michael and Gabriel eventually won the battle. For refusing to obey God, Lucifer, Azarael and the other rebel angels were cast from Heaven and banished to Hell as punishment. Azarael would later become a demon and a teacher of the dark arts in Hell.

Lucifer was one of the few who knew the names of the robotic purge Angels of Death: Puriel, Kushiel, Teneluehus, Raguel, Wormwood, Jeheel, Zacheniel, Ababhar, and their leader, Abaddon. Originally regular angels sent to punish the souls of sinners, they were later modified into the ultimate killing machines. Sent down to Hell once every year, they slaughtered the citizens at random to control the population and strike fear into those who oppose God. Lucifer, however, wasn’t afraid…he only wanted vengeance for his banishment.

Instead of fearing his form in Hell…Lucifer embraced it. Testing out his newfound powers of destruction, he decided to take a position of power and rule as he saw fit. How did he do that? By murdering opponents and becoming the king of Hell. (However, he and Satan were different entities).

The first king of Hell was Bael, who had the power to make himself and his army invisible. Paimon was the second king, teacher of science, the arts, and made great contributions in expanding Pentagram City. The third king, Beleth was ruthless and cruel to the lower class and even to his own subjects. He rode a black war horse made of dark flames. Beleth overthrew Paimon and Bael and became ruler before Lucifer arrived. Asnodi was a king of another circle of Hell, with the heads of a bull and a man. Vine was gender neutral and created storms using only their mind. Beleth defeated the seer kings Purson and Balam, the bull king Asnodi, and even Zagun, a ruler who could turn water into blood and oil.

Eventually, Lucifer engaged in battle with Beleth and the kings…and won. He became the new ruler of Hell and the older kings were quickly forgotten. The red apple was adapted into the architecture of his mansion and an apple stood prominently on Lucifer’s staff and white hat to show his status. This was reminiscent of the legend of Adam and Eve. Lucifer created purple snakes for decoration and defense, also related to the snake Satan, who had deceived Eve in the myth.

Lucifer had fellow frenemies known as Astaroth (the dragon creator of self- doubt) and Beelzebub (a greedy wealthy Fly Lord). They made the Unholy Trinity and each agreed to rule different areas of Hell (though Lucifer was the most powerful of the three and was known by the majority of Hell).

Lucifer then met the beautiful Lilith, with her long pale hair, graceful figure, and powers of her own. She had been Adam’s former wife and wanted to be equal to him instead of submissive. Lilith was kicked out of Eden and was given a choice: either reside in Hell or be forced to give birth to demonic offspring only for them to be killed each day. Lilith chose Hell and soon gave into her selfish ways. She was formerly human but became a succubus demon.

Lilith’s life changed when she met Lucifer. Here was an individual so similar to her. Lilith became queen alongside her husband, soon performing in shows and creating a resistance force. Lilith also worked as a model, becoming very influential. For many years, Lucifer and Lilith were constantly busy with keeping up their status, interacting with other elite officials, etc. The couple shared stories of their banishments, enjoyed each other’s appearances and after some heavy drinking and sex, they gave birth to Princess Charlotte.

Their bright little daughter would change their lives more than they could have imagined.

“Charlie’s Childhood”

A loud screech echoed throughout the industrial hospital somewhere in Pentagram City. Lilith was lying down on a bed, legs apart, sweat coating her forehead. Beside her was her husband Lucifer, who put a comforting clawed hand on her shoulder.

“Keep pushing, mon amour,” he encouraged. “It should be over very soon.”

“That’s what you said several hours ago,” Lilith countered, her face straining. “We were so close to making it back to our comfortable home, but then…”

She paused after catching her breath.

“…my water broke, and now we’re at this slum of a hospital instead. With these…things to keep us company.”

She looked at the busy imps nearby with disdain in her yellow eyes. One of them was busy administering medication into her lower back to ease the pain. Two others stood close to her legs, ready to deliver the child.

“My privacy invaded, just before my midnight photoshoot,” she muttered. “At least I haven’t changed into my nicest dress yet.”

She was wearing a crimson long red dress with black zebra-like stripes running diagonally down the front. Another dress was neatly folded in a nearby suitcase. She blew a strand of her long blonde hair away from her pale face. Her signature long red horns protruded from her head. Her black crown of thorns was nettled in her leather purse on a side chair.

Lucifer was wearing his traditional white and red dress suit with a black bow tie below his neck and fancy long white pants. A large white top hat nested over his blonde slicked hair. A purple snake and a red apple were also on the hat. His cane had a matching red apple on the top. His skin was pale white, his eyes were yellow, and his cheeks had red blushes on them.

Lilith sighed, already concerned with her upcoming tasks for the week. Besides modeling and negotiating with elite officials, she was a singer of a band called Resist. “When I’m done with this, I’m going to have to come up with another song for Resist. Maybe something called, “Angel Anarchy.” Or “God Backwards is Dog.” “Evil’ is ‘Live’, Backwards?” Should I do a haunting solo…or try for a metal scream?”

The contractions began again, and the demon mother wailed in pain for several minutes.

“Make it stop, make it stop, uuuughh…” she groaned.

Lucifer turned away slightly. He was used to hearing and seeing his opponents and victims writhe in pain, especially after his conquest of Hell many years ago.

But seeing his wife in pain like that…

“I’m going to be a father…I can’t believe it…”

“It is nice to have a greater purpose in life, besides just being rulers of Hell, don’t you think?” Lilith asked.

“I guess you’re right,” Lucifer answered. “When our child is old enough, he or she will be able to carry out our traditions and be a great ruler someday. I already picked out a boy name: Azarael, after my former friend in Heaven.”

“I don’t know,” Lilith countered. “It reminds me of those bastard angels too much.”

“Eldritch, then.” He suggested. “It means “old ruler.” Our last name means “fierce warrior.”

“Absolutely not,” Lilith argued. “What good would it be to have our child named after the last name of our rivals? How about a girl’s name instead? Something like…Vivienne! It means “alive.”

Lilith looked at him. “Have you looked into our ancestry books at the library again?”

“I have to find something to do when I’m bored,” he said. “Playing instruments and polka is wonderful, but sometimes I need some ideas.”

Lucifer was still too embarrassed to admit that he was bad at playing the guitar and keyboard.

“Do these ideas involve rooms besides our grand library?”

Lucifer grinned and playfully winked. “Maybe they do.”

“Remember when we met at that concert for the first time?” Lilith asked, taking deep breaths, trying to ignore the lingering pain.

“Oh yes,” Lucifer said, nostalgia in his eyes. “I’ve never heard anyone sing as beautifully as you did that night.”

“And then we went to the Damnation Bar several days later after Krampus came along for the holidays?”

“Yep, I remember. Stupid old me got into a drinking contest with Beezelbub. You were drinking blood red wine and laughing your head off.”

“You did look pretty silly dancing on the countertop when you thought you had won the contest.” She let out a soft musical laugh.

Lucifer rolled his eyes. “But I did though! That Fly Lord cheated by flying around and gulping down several glasses in all six hands. I almost destroyed him too, but the room was spinning too much.”

Lilith smiled. “The best part was when you went through your drunken phase. You massacred a group of demons because you thought they worked for Jesus.”

“And we had tons of fun back at home,” he admitted with a sultry look.

“It was both pleasure-inducing and equal,” Lilith added. “Unlike my terrible first intimate encounter with that stubborn Adam. I did love being on top at the very end!”

“Ooookay,” said a nearby imp out loud. “I think I’ve heard enough for now. How about I check to see what’s going on in there…”

The imp male adjusted an emerging bald head and Lilith seethed. “You touch me like that again, and I’ll use your entrails for a necklace!”

“What’re you gonna do? Charge me for rape? I’m just lucky to have a job in general, but that doesn’t mean I have to enjoy it. Of all the snobby patients I’ve worked with…”

A flick of Lucifer’s fingers caused the imp to explode in a mess of blood and organs. A dragon demon with a doctor’s coat peered in.

“Clean that up,” he mentioned to another imp with a mop. As the janitor imp did his work, a red-faced female imp arrived into the room. She peered over at the ultrasound.

After half an hour, the contractions began again, this time, more intense.

“Non, non…merde!” she swore. Lilith pushed long and hard, gripping onto the side of the bed.

Lucifer and the imps comforted her over her yells.

Then at last…the bald baby’s head emerged from between her legs, the head covered in blood. The placenta soon followed.

“It’s a girl!” announced the imp.

After the baby was cleaned, the imp placed the infant into Lilith’s arms. Lucifer and Lilith both cried with joy.

“She has your horns,” Lucifer remarked, watching as small red horns shot from her head, then retreated back in.

“And your face,” Lilith added.

Sure enough, the girl had the same rosy cheeks and pale face as her father. Stubs of white fangs were already peeking out from her gums.

“You know what?” Lilith asked. “I think I found the perfect name for her.”

“I think I do, too.”

“Charlotte,” they both said out loud.

“Congratulations, you too,” said the female imp, who began running some diagnostics. “Part angel, part demon,” she mentioned, after a DNA test.

“Very powerful indeed,” Lucifer said with satisfaction. “She will make a great Princess someday. Charlotte the Great.”

When the family got home, Lilith placed Charlie in a comfy crib in the upstairs room. Charlie wailed and cried, not wanting to go to sleep.

“I have an idea,” said Lucifer. He snapped his fingers.

Two small animated snakes soon hung above her crib. They spun in slow circles on a mobile. Charlie stared mesmerized, even reaching out a small hand to pet their lavender heads. Lilith opened a window where the screams of victims and the roars of fires could be heard. Lucifer’s haunting lullaby added to the dark ambience.

“Rock-a-bye baby in the dark pit

When the corpses rot, the flames will be lit

Writhing in pain as life slips away

Never seeing again the bright light of day”

Little Charlie was soon fast asleep.

Lilith gently kissed her daughter on her forehead. “Sweet nightmares, my darling.”

Many years later, Lucifer was dragging a young Charlie over to a large room for her piano and music lessons.

“Daddy,” she cried, “I don’t wanna go!” The young girl was wearing a black skirt, a nice white shirt with a black bow tie and black tap dancing shoes. She clutched one of her demon dolls in her hand.

“It is important that you learn the proper techniques of playing and singing traditional songs.”

“But I wanna sing my own songs!” the child protested, her short curly blonde hair bouncing up and down.

“We can’t get what we want all the time,” said her father. “If you want to make a good impression on our people, then practice is the first step. Particularly at such a young age.”

Charlie pouted as she walked into an ornate room with a black grand piano in the center. Her music teacher was a plump woman with peacock feathers in her black hair, teal skin, and a dress of sequins.

Her instructor led her through several songs on the piano. Charlie’s shaking fingers struggled to hit the right keys at the right time. She flinched every time she made a mistake.

At one point, she got so frustrated, that she transformed into her demonic self and sang one of her songs in a fury. Standing up and spreading out her hands, she lifted up the grand piano and threw it into the air. The instrument landed on her music teacher with a large crash. The demon teacher gasped and then her body went still.

Charlie covered her mouth with her hands as a tense silence filled the space.

“Oh, I’m sorry…I didn’t mean it…I just didn’t want to play anymore…”

She glanced nervously at her father. But instead of anger, her father was crying tears of joy.

“Oh my dear Charlotte, I’m so proud of you! You did a splendid job.”

Feeling relieved, Charlie beamed and embraced her father.

As the years went by, Charlie went through lessons on dining etiquette, manners, demonology history, music history, and politics. She learned Latin and all the ancient languages.

During one quiet day, a young Charlie frolicked in the brown grass, while bare trees reached for the beige polluted sky. She wore a dress of white and dull lavender, with a matching colored sunhat with a pink bow on her head. She smiled as she sat down on her knees. A bunch of small red daisies dotted the field and she picked them up one by one. She held a bundle of them in her hands and sniffed their sweet scent. She heard a familiar voice nearby.

“I never knew that natural beauty could exist in this place.”

Charlie turned to see her mother walk gracefully through the grass. Her corset-like dress was light brown down the front, with long white sleeves and a dark brown top covering her shoulders and neck. Black gloves covered her fidgeting hands. A brown sun hat with a black spider and web on top nestled over her long blonde hair.

Lilith knelt down beside her daughter in the grass.

“Isn’t it wonderful, Mommy?” the young girl asked. “A whole bunch of flowers here for us to enjoy. Most of the demons here don’t appreciate the small things in life.”

“That’s true,” Lilith replied.

A strange sadness appeared in her eyes, which were yellow with black sclera.

Charlie looked over. “What’s wrong, Mommy?”

“Oh, it’s nothing, Charlotte,” she replied.

“Do you think I’ll be able to make friends?” Charlie asked. “It seems like not many people want to be my friend. They don’t even care that I’m a so called princess.”

Lilith tried to find a way to comfort her.

“Well, you’re always optimistic, positive in almost any situation. And you’re quite tough as well. No one has messed around with you.”

“Like Daddy, said, ‘don’t take any shit from demons.’ What shouldn’t I take from them, exactly?”

“Oh for Satan’s sake,” Lilith murmured.

“Huh?” Charlie asked.

“Nothing,” she said, waving a hand. “It just means be careful who you trust. Some may want to be your friend, but others are…wary. We’re the most influential family in Hell and we strive for chaotic order.”

“Meaning like having parties and singing songs and stuff?”

Lilith hesitated. “Well…yeah, if you wish.”

Charlie beamed. “Oh, that’s wonderful! I bet we will do a great job for our new friends. Thanks, mommy!”

Charlie embraced her mother and then ran around happily in the park.

There was no point in Lilith telling her what was really on her mind. That Hell was no place for happiness and innocent fun. That many demons feared their family and envied them, like it was supposed to be.

That Charlie would always be powerful and different…being part angel and part demon…and never living a previous mortal life.

“Souls Inside Monsters”

“Charlotte, it’s almost time for the show to begin. Hurry on down!”

A young teen demon was sitting in front of a mirror decorated with yellow eyes with black pupils along the elegant rim. She put on a dash of red lipstick while her two goat dolls, Razzle and Dazzle fixed her hair. The goat demon twins were dolls that had been brought to life for Charlie in order to serve as her bodyguards, musicians, and attendants.

“Dad!” called the blond-haired princess from inside her room, “I told you to call me Charlie! Charlotte sounds too…strange.”

“Well that’s your name, you should be used to it by now.”

Charlie rolled her eyes and stared at her reflection: golden yellow eyes, a ghost white face with red blushes off to the side of her cheeks, razor sharp fangs when she smiled. She was so excited, she could barely sit still.

When her attendants were done, she stood up to admire herself and her outfit. A candy red pinstriped dress nearly touched the floor and felt slightly tight around her waist. An enchanted light purple snake was wrapped around her waistline, both serving as decoration and self-defense in case of grabby onlookers. It was very similar to the snake that her father Lucifer kept around his white top hat (though both were protective of their owners thanks to Lucifer’s magic). Spider web leggings covered her pale legs and on her feet were black tap-dancing shoes. Finally, Charlie wore a black spiked crown with a red apple gem in the center.

“My 150th birthday!” she exclaimed, doing several happy jumps. “I’ve been waiting for this moment for a while.”

Indeed, it had been 150 years since she had been born in Hell to the king and queen. Unlike humans, the demons hardly aged at all, or if they did, it was a very slow process. (Then again, they were already dead, so it didn’t really matter.)

But Charlie had heard of the interesting human tradition they called “birthdays” on Earth. She insisted to her parents they had to celebrate hers once a year.

While Lucifer had been reluctant, Lilith agreed.

“We can’t participate in that foolish human tradition,” Lucifer argued. “Especially since we aren’t alive and our people are supposed to be suffering twenty four, seven.”

“If it makes our daughter happy, then so be it,” she said. “Besides, no one else has to know. It’ll be one of our traditions.”

“Very well,” he said. “But since Charlie gets a special day of her own, why don’t we make some days special for us…if you know what I mean.”

He gave her a devilish wink and she grinned in return. “A special day for domination…I’m up for that.”

Charlie had then entered the room, asking “What’re you talking about?” and the topic was changed.

“So, about that meeting with the other overlords?” Lilith asked her husband.

“As usual, I warned them they needed to know their place.”

Rolling her eyes, Charlie soon left to play the grand piano.

“Are you coming or not?” Lucifer asked, snapping her back to reality.

“I’m ready!” she called, opening the door.

There was her father in front of her, smiling his nearly ever-present grin. Lilith walked over to stand beside him, wearing an elegant red dress and her usual black crown between her red horns on her head. She had blond hair even longer than Charlie’s and was taller than Lucifer.

“Oh Charlie,” exclaimed her mother in a soft voice, “You look so beautiful! You remind me of myself when I was your age.”

Charlie embraced her mother in a happy hug. “Come on, now,” Lilith said, letting go and beckoning her to come forward. “Our guests are waiting.”

The “guests” were actually some of Lucifer’s snakes which he reluctantly enchanted to take on the appearances of…

“Disney Princesses and Harry Potter wizards,” Lucifer muttered in disgust. “It could’ve been wounded demons sprawling in pain on the ground like in the past…”

Charlie walked down the curving staircase down to the lobby of her family’s mansion. The “princesses” smiled and waved at her and some threw flower petals to her (which were actually dried scales dyed pink.)

“You know how much she doesn’t like that,” Lilith mentioned. Charlie took the stage and began to sing.

“But those enchantments aren’t even real,” he said. “It’s one of the ways to prepare her for her future duties as Hell’s princess.”

“And what’s the other way?”

Lucifer whispered into his wife’s ear and her eyes widened in both delight and hesitation.

“Ooooh that’s right. Today is also that day.”

“Surely she will enjoy getting a glimpse of what happens out in the world,” Lucifer smiled.

“But…what if it’s too much for her?”

“Too, much?” Lucifer asked. “She’s 150 now. She has to be ready. It’s a growing up right of passage that cannot wait any longer.”

They watched Charlie take a bow as her doll demons clapped.

“Trust me,” said Lucifer. “She’ll be delighted to witness her first…”

“Cake!” Charlie squealed. “Oh my Satan, that’s amazing!”

A devil’s food cake was rolled and set on a table in front of her. It had chocolate frosting (per her request), spidery snakes on the top and a fat red apple candle.

After singing to her in their deep hellish voices saved for certain occasions, Charlie pointed her clawed finger at the candle and the flame shot into the air, bursting into red apple fireworks. The noise spooked the apparitions and the regular snakes appeared once more.

For the first half of the private party, Charlie entertained her parents by demonstrating her dancing skills up on stage. For Charlie, dancing and singing weren’t just hobbies: they were methods to express her deepest feelings that she couldn’t put into words. Razzle played the grand piano and Dazzle played a violin as Charlie sang.

As the day neared its end, the clock outside rang out twelve times. In the past years, Charlie would head upstairs to her room to watch musicals while her parents went outside for some “entertainment.” Now this time, Charlie would get a chance to be with her parents.

“It’s a special surprise, sweetie,” said Lucifer. “Since it’s a big day for you, I’d like you to follow us.”

He said it as if it were an order. Feeling bewildered, but still very excited, Charlie let her parents led her up the elevator and toward the uppermost balcony. Razzle and Dazzle followed close behind.

Soon, the group walked onto the balcony that overlooked the crimson sky and dark clouds of hell.

Charlie stared out into the distance as the clock tower rang one last time.

“I don’t see anything,” she said. “Are we waiting for fireworks? Or a rainbow?”

“Silly Charlotte,” said her mother with a smile. “You’re about to witness something even better than those things.”

“A spectacle that you’ll gladly remember for years into your rule,” her father added.

Charlie smiled wide, until seeing a speck of something in the distance. It looked like a circle of white light that slowly grew larger into the shape of a portal.

“Huh?” she asked.

Lucifer smiled. “Charlotte, welcome to your first Extermination.”

A swarm of dark flying creatures burst out of the portal. The shadowy figures rained down on the city below. Charlie looked closer and could see they had black feathery wings, dark curved horns and glowing white halos on their heads. Each one carried variations of spears, harpoons and other weapons in their hands.

“What are those things?” she asked.

“They’re angels,” said her mother.

“Angels?” she asked. “You mean like the ones in human myths?”

“No, dear,” said Lucifer, his grin wide. “These are no myths.”

All of a sudden, one flew close by and Charlie reeled back in fright. The angel that glided past had an LED mask on with a large sinister grin and an x over its right eye. The angel threw the spear in his hand, and the weapon struck a large parrot-like demon in the heart. The bird let out a shrill squawk as it plummeted to the ground.

Charlie glanced down at the streets and let out a sharp gasp.

Down below, demons of all shapes and sizes scattered from the onslaught of Exterminators descending on them like hungry vultures. A demon with three heads was unfortunate enough to have a harpoon struck through all his heads, causing the creature to collapse. Two other angels were choking a red dragon demon, the creature’s eye bulging. Two hellhounds whined in pain as electricity from another spear struck them both in the backs. The bipedal canines crashed to the ground and did not move again.

Nothing but screams, robotic laughter, and carnage. The longer she watched, the more frightened Charlie became. Soon, the rotten stench of death filled her nostrils.

She glanced back at her parents casually watching the show from their chairs like it was a musical.

Tears sprang from Charlie’s eyes.

“What is all this?! Why are you showing me this?”

“It’s a yearly extermination to reduce the population of sinners once a year,” explained Lilith. It was like she was talking about the weather.

“Those are our people!” she cried. “And you’re just letting this happen?!”

“There’s no need to act so brash,” Lucifer scolded. “It’s just a natural way of ensuring that evil gets a through cleansing.”

“Cleansing? This is murder!”

“Sadly, it’s a necessary act,” Lilith added.

“As you know, I was once an angel,” said Lucifer. “I was banished down here and was nearly killed, myself. But then God, the angels and myself came to an agreement. The Exterminators could kill citizens in Hell once every year, while we, the royal family, would be left alone. It does make sense, considering we are the most powerful individuals down here.”

Charlie took several ragged breaths. “What’s so special about us? What about them?!” She pointed down toward the fleeing demons rushing into cars, stores, and even dumpsters to try and get away. Down over at the poor section of Imp City, the imps were even less lucky. The ones who could escape were ones with enough proficiency to create small portals or to shapeshift into Exterminators to trick them.

“This is Hell, Charlotte,” Lucifer said, eyes narrowing in frustration. “Suffering is what those lowlife scum deserve to experience. Just be lucky that we don’t have to deal with that.”

“Vaggie,” Charlie breathed almost in a whisper, already concerned about her friend.

“Now stop fooling around and embrace this momentous occasion,” said Lucifer.

“The future?” Charlie asked softly to herself.

“Remember in the future, you’ll eventually need to marry and produce a worthy heir to the throne,” Lucifer added.

“No,” Charlie muttered after several moments.

“Excuse me?” asked Lucifer, eyebrows raised.

“No!” she cried, tears running down her face. Her eyes turned red and her long horns emerged from her head. “I’m not gonna sit here and let more of my people die. I can’t believe you hid this from me all these years!”

Charlie summoned Razzle and Dazzle and the two goats lifted her up and carried her down to the streets.

“Get back here at once!” Lucifer bellowed.

Ignoring her father, Charlie landed down on the cracked asphalt, nearly stepping on a severed horned demon head. Razzle and Dazzle hovered nearby.

She saw three angels corner a frightened cat demon with a spotted brown face who held her paws up. Spears pointed toward her head and heart, the feline gave one last sorrowful meow.

“Hey!” Charlie bellowed in her demonic voice. She was seeing red. Her black shoes clacked against the pavement. “Stay away from my people!”

The three angels slowly turned toward her at the same time, their eyes glowing red and teeth spread out when spotting her. The cat demon scurried up the wall with her claws and leaped from roof to roof out of sight.

Flames receding from her body, horns shrinking back, Charlie backed up in fear and gulped as the angels advanced, their weapons at the ready. Razzle and Dazzle shuddered and held on tightly to Charlie’s hands. Just as the angels threw the spears and Charlie closed her eyes…

She heard a sickening thud.

The spears had struck a pair of black fiery wings. The spears vanished in flames before flaming swords materialized out of thin air. The angels were struck by the swords, causing them to back up.

Lucifer’s eyes were red, his temporary black wings made from his enchanted snakes merged together.

“Leave!”

His demonic voice could stop the heartbeats of an entire group.

Charlie slowly stood up once the angels had retreated and stared into Lucifer’s glowing red eyes. He slowly turned his head toward her. Though he was furious with her, she could see a small tear roll down his cheek before being evaporated by the heat.

“If you ever do something foolish like that again, I’ll make sure you never leave our mansion. You will be grounded until this place freezes over. Do you understand?!”

Charlie nodded with a fearful whimper at his low voice and glowing red eyes.

“You will accept your role, whether you like it or not!”

Charlie glanced over toward a group of demons and gasped. As her father raised his hand toward her, something inside Charlie stirred. A peculiar feeling in her temple, just between her eyes began to tingle with warmth. It was almost as if time stood still.

When Charlie stared hard at the three homeless demons from a distance, she could almost see their faces briefly morph into their formerly human ones from their past lives: a white skinned bearded man with a bottle of alcohol in his hand, a mother with a cut-up face in torn prostitute clothing, a sobbing blonde boy in the mother’s lap just learning how to use a gun…

Before Charlie could say anything, a glowing magenta pentagram surrounded her and she was transported back to her room with Razzle and Dazzle.

Charlie eventually met Vaggie, a moth demon who would soon become her best friend, and girlfriend. Vaggie was a hell of a better friend than the bully snob Helsa back in Hell high school. Her parents weren’t too pleased that Charlie and the high class Seviathan broke up, claiming that Charlie would have been much better off dating a fellow Hell Born. Charlie became more distant from her family as she encouraged herself to pursue things on her own.

As selfish as the green Seviathan was, Charlie still missed his elegance and charming personality. Dancing with him at prom in a pink dress was a special moment for her. If only his sister weren’t such a bitch…

“Hi, I’m Charlie!” the princess said.

“I’m Vaggie,” the young girl said shyly. Vaggie had long white hair and a pink ‘X’ over her left eye. Her overall appearance was goth-like. Her sclera was light pink and she wore a white mini-dress. Her left stocking had pink stripes while her right stocking was navy blue. There was even a pink bow in her hair. The two friends grew closer as time went on. Vaggie even gathered the courage to share how she died one Halloween night.

“It was back in 2014,” she said. “I was a regular Latino human who was fascinated by bugs and the supernatural. Punching asshole guys and slicing their nuts off was super fun. You know, black guys and white guys insulting my culture and all, I just wasn’t having it.”

She continued. “People thought I was weird, but I didn’t give a fuck. My black father, Valentino…he was a pimp, very nasty man. He made me become a prostitute. It wasn’t very enjoyable, but I did manage to earn some money for my family. I was in love with this cute girl in my class, but this guy who claimed he was my boyfriend didn’t like that. He kept calling me a butch bitch and wouldn’t leave me alone. One night, on my way home from a punk rock concert, he appeared behind me and slammed me against the wall. He tore off my bra, pulled down my pants and…”

Her breath caught in her throat. Tears fell from her eyes. “His friends were standing there too…they just laughed at my naked form. He went into me over and over, and over again!”

She buried her face in her hands, as Charlie held her tightly.

“I’m so sorry, Vaggie,” she said quietly.

“Not only that,” she stuttered between sobs, “he stabbed me here…”

She pointed to her left eye…

“…and here…”

She mentioned to her breasts…

“…and finally set the rest of me on fire.”

Charlie was crying too, sharing her friend’s pain. Death by a gang rape…a horrible fate. “I can’t imagine what’s that’s like. To go through that…and being a human…”

“Well, I’m not a human anymore,” she said, wiping away her tears. “I’m a demon stuck in this hellhole. There’s a good reason I don’t trust men…I never trusted them when I was alive. Don’t even get me started on my abusive father. I would’ve be surprised if he was still here in Hell, parading around with his big ass ego.”

Charlie sat and listened, providing a source of comfort for her friend.

“That’s Entertainment: Present Day”

Both of Charlie’s parents envisioned their daughter as an asset to the family business. They hoped that by encouraging demons to remain in fear and respect of their family, that no conflicts would arise.

But then, Charlie proposed something radical, unexpected…and even dangerous. She wanted to create the Happy Hotel as a place for sinners to redeem themselves. Lucifer thought it was a joke at first. Charlie had laughed and explained her plan.

“Isn’t it brilliant?” she asked, a smile on her face. She stood in the living room of their elegant home. “This could be the solution we need that could benefit everyone.”

Charlie pointed at her diagram behind her, which showed colored rainbows and dancing demons drawn in crayons. Her father was not amused and her mother was skeptical.

“How would running a hotel cause the demons to change so fast?” he asked. “Your plan is impractical and downright ridiculous.”

“What makes you think this idea will work?” asked Lilith.

“Glad you asked,” said Charlie. She cleared her throat, opened her mouth wide and stood on a table.

Lucifer held up a hand.

“No singing necessary.”

Charlie let out a sigh and hoped down. “If the demons could become good people who give up their bad habits, just think how much better this world would be. Heaven wouldn’t need to exterminate the population year after year. Crime rates would drop, gambling and drugs would become afterthoughts. Who knows? Maybe those reformed enough could leave to live better afterlives!”

“Leave?!” asked Lucifer. “You do realize that demons were sent here for a reason. If they were to change their ways, then our economy and society would crumble. Even worse, there would be revolts, riots.”

Charlie stared with curiosity. “What’s bad about that?”

“It’d put our family and legacy at risk!” Lucifer replied. “Our livelihood depends on preserving tradition and establishing a chaotic order, if you will.”

“Our legacy could change for the better,” Charlie countered. “No more killings and despair for everyone. You may not think that anyone cares about purges, but I know that there are families out there who have lost beloved members due to those purges.”

“Me and the other demons do care about the purges,” Lucifer stated. “Which is why it would only get worse if demons decided to change.”

Lilith put a comforting hand on her daughter’s shoulder. “Charlotte, I understand that you’re trying hard to do what’s best for Hell. I, too, wish things could have been different. Unfortunately, things are the way they are. It can’t be helped. Why make matters worse to begin with?”

Tears started to fall from Charlie’s’ golden eyes. “Why aren’t you guys listening to me?”

She pulled away. “If all of us want better lives here free from killings…”

She pointed to her drawing of the Happy Hotel on a piece of paper,

“…then this is the only way to make it happen.”

Lucifer crossed his arms, his eyes glowing red. “You will, under no circumstances, open that hotel.”

Charlie’s fangs grew slightly longer. “I have to try!”

Lilith sighed softly, looking back and forth as her family members argued.

Charlie took several deep breaths and placed her hand over her heart. “I know there’s good in every demon here. They just need to be reminded of their potentials, their purposes.”

“The purpose of demons,” said Lucifer with a glare, “is to suffer in damnation forever. None of them can be redeemed, that’s just who they are. The sooner you realize that, the better.”

Charlie groaned out loud in frustration. “I refuse to believe that!”

Lucifer sighed. “I know I can’t change your beliefs, but I’m still in charge. As king, I forbid you to…”

“La la la! Can’t hear you!” Charlie called, covering her ears.

“Now you’re just being childish,” said Lilith. “I’d send you to your room, but you’re 170 years old.”

“I feel like I’m 17 instead.”

“Age doesn’t matter,” said Lucifer. “Our legacy does, however. I will not allow you to drag it through the mud.”

“Then I’ll just create a new one!” said Charlie. Anger flooded her head and spread through her arms. Sparks of electricity danced around her clawed fingers. Charlie backed up from the living room and entered a long hallway. Her father followed.

Lilith stepped back and cussed under her breath. She knew a fight was coming on, and it wasn’t going to be pretty.

Charlie summoned balls of fire from her palms. Lucifer summoned his staff into his hand, a long black one with a red apple on top. The fireballs shot from Charlie’s hands but her father made them vanish on the spot with a wave of his hand. Charlie jumped into the air, ready to attack. Using his staff, Lucifer created a hole that dropped Charlie to a farther spot down the hall.

“I hate portals,” Charlie muttered.

Closing her eyes, Charlie conjured a flaming unicorn and hopped onto its back.

“For cupcakes and rainbows!” she shouted as she galloped forward toward her father down the hall.

“Enough of this!” he yelled. He shot a band of red energy at the unicorn, destroying it. Charlie tumbled to the ground, and then righted herself. Her entire body was then engulfed in flames, her red straight horns growing from her head. A volley of flames spread from her in every direction, breaking several windows and nearby vases. One painting depicting humans being thrown into a lake of lava crumbled to ash.

Lilith came into the room and gasped. “Charlotte!” she scolded. “That painting cost 240 souls to purchase!”

Ignoring her mother, Charlie danced around, avoiding her father’s attacks. “I’m sticking with my idea!”

Lucifer held out his hand, and a glowing red pentagram appeared on the floor under Charlie’s feet. Charlie jumped into the air, only for her to be surrounded by a web of neon red vines. Charlie’s fire from her body could not burn away the sharp vines restraining her.

“Father…let go!” she yelled.

Lucifer walled over to her, slowly. “Be grateful that you are my daughter,” he said. “If you were anyone else who had questioned me…”

“Lucifer,” warned Lilith from behind.

“Listen well, Charlotte, because I won’t say this again. If you know what’s good for you, you will give up on your idea and start behaving like an adult.”

“But I am an adult!” Charlie protested, no longer struggling. “And I’ve decided as princess to continue on with opening the hotel. It will be what’s best for us.”

The vines around her tightened.

Flames sparked in Lucifer’s eyes. “If you think causing a war is what’s best for us, then you are gravely mistaken. I had high hopes for you all these years. But now…you’re nothing but a failure.”

Charlie stared in newfound shock, eyes wide. Lilith, too, instantly grew concerned. She felt a stabbing pain inside her that had nothing to do with the vines.

Failure.

That was all she ever seemed to be in her father’s eyes.

She thought back to her rivals, Helsa and Katie Killjoy. Helsa was a woman with gray skin and octopus tentacles for hair. She had been Charlie’s rival since they were little.

“You and your family are an utter disgrace,” she had said, flaunting her pink fur jacket, dark skirt and high heeled boots. “You’re a naïve fool with such airheaded ideas. How I’d love to see you humiliated and my family reach the top.”

And then there was Katie Killjoy, who was potentially even worse. Homophobic and self-centered, she cared only about her appearance and good ratings on the news.

“You call yourself a princess,” she had scoffed, blowing a cigarette, “but you’re scum, just like everyone else.”

Charlie willed for her memories to go away. Since the beginning, Charlie had felt like an outsider.

Lilith stepped forward and destroyed the vines with a wave of her hand. Everyone took shaking breaths and became silent for a moment. Charlie’s horns retracted back into her head, and the flames dwindled and disappeared around her body. Charlie was free and she promptly stomped away, head lowered.

Lucifer spoke in a booming voice that echoed throughout the room. “We will come back to this!”

“Charlotte, do not go outside yet!” Lilith warned before Charlie was out of sight.

Charlie stared out the window into the crimson sky of Hell. Lilith was right to be concerned about the outside world. To Charlie’s horror, the purge was underway. Robotic angels with sinister smiles and red Xs for eyes swooped down and stabbed any demon that they could find. They were immune to demonic magic, as shown when one green eel-like demon tried in vain to push back an angel with his magic. One stab to the eel’s chest brought the monster to the ground, lifeless.

Charlie let out a yelp as something went flying toward her. A bat demon was thrown hard against the window pane and its body slid down the glass pane before falling. Dark blood was left behind, streams flowing down like thick syrup trails. An Exterminator slowly turned its head toward Charlie. She gasped in fright, moving out of sight with her back against the wall.

She wished that her girlfriend Vaggie were with her to comfort her. She had met the emo-like, misandrist woman back when they were very young. They were childhood friends whose friendship developed into something deeper. Complementary opposites, Vaggie’s no-nonsense personality kept Charlie grounded in reality…sometimes.

Charlie often wondered…could there be a better place for demons? Heaven was inaccessible and only for the elite and those who met strict qualifications. Hell was overpopulated with people…some were evil for sure…but others just made mistakes.

Those lucky enough to forego Heaven and Hell went to a limbo place where there was dark nothingness…at least that what her father claimed after eavesdropping on humans during his fall to Hell.

Could that really be it? If the angels were to kill everyone, would the victims just cease to exist? Would those formerly lost humans serve no purpose other than suffering in their afterlives?

She tried to imagine what mortals might be feeling. She didn’t know very much, but she figured that they had the same desires as herself.

“Should I really keep going? Should I try to provide more opportunities for the people here? What if I really am a failure?”

It seemed like forever, but eventually, a deathly silence announced that the purge had ended. The numbers below a clock tower read 365 days until the next purge. Charlie slowly walked outside onto a balcony. She couldn’t bring herself to look at the carnage down below.

Among the broken weapons and corpses, “Fuck you, Heaven!” was written in red on a nearby wall. “Cleanse!” was scribbled on posters of an Exterminator. Up in the sky, a lone planet with a red pentagram loomed overhead. More signs displayed advertisements, porn, drugs, and drinks. In a shadier part of town, large red signs read “Punishment,” and “Your days are numbered.” A demon with the head of a bull picked up a fallen head from the ground and loaded it into his shopping cart of other heads. Casino signs flashed in the darkness and faint music pounded from strip clubs.

Tears fell freely from Charlie’s yellow eyes. Her long blond hair fluttered in the breeze. She wore a black bow tie, black suspenders, and a white shirt under her pink tuxedo.

Charlie lifted her finger into the air and colorful fireworks boomed in the sky. The fireworks signaled that it was safe. Another sign read “demon” in white letters. The denizens slowly opened their windows and peered out. More demons came out from their hiding places. A couple of demons poked their heads out of the windows, one of them a red demon with two eyes and horns, smoking.

Feeling free to express herself, the demon princess sang her lament.

“At the end of the rainbow, there’s happiness

And to find it, how often I’ve tried

But my life is a race

Just a wild goose chase

And my dreams have all been denied”

“A ray of hope in this world of black

I wish the world to be free of sin

But no matter hard I try

I can’t get by

I never seem to win”

“Why have I always been a failure?

What can the reason be?

I wonder if the world’s to blame

I wonder if it could be me”

“I’m always chasing rainbows

Watching clouds drifting by

My schemes are just like my dreams

Ending in the sky”

“Some fellows look and find the sunshine

I always look and find the rain

Some fellows make a winning sometimes

I never even make the game

Believe me”

“Will this world be a better place?

Or will loss never go away?

The choices I face, me, a disgrace

Loss of hope here to stay”

“I’m always chasing rainbows

Watching clouds drifting by

My schemes are just like my dreams

Ending in the sky”

“I’m always chasing rainbows

Waiting to find a little bluebird

In vain.”

Lilith opened up red curtains and watched the fireworks with a passive scowl on her face. She appeared to have long white hair, pink sclera eyes with white pupils and makeup on her face. Behind her was Lucifer sitting on a chair in shadow, eyes glowing red. There was also a black spider Overlord sipping wine, and another shadow overlord shaped like a dinosaur. A large building read “Porn Studios” on it in lit up letters. The roof was decorated with strings of lights and a life-like figure of a red demon women in promiscuous clothing.

Inside the studio sat three influential Overlords, commonly known as the three Vs. Vox, the television demon had a flat screen TV for a head and wore a black suit decorated with thin vertical blue lines. The center of the suit was decorated with red and black stripes. Vox wore a black top hat on his head with a teal Wi-Fi symbol on it. His eyes were red and his shark-like teeth were light blue.

Next to Vox was a small woman named Velvet, the doll demon of social media. She had dark gray skin and had long ponytails of magenta and dark magenta hair on her head. Her eyes were pink with white irises and black pupils. She wore a party dress of white, black and pink, the bottom of the dress decorated with pink hearts and lace.

Finally there was the moth pimp Valentino, the porn studio owner. He had lavender-gray skin, black antennas, and pink eyes and teeth. He wore a red coat and had white fluff decorated with little hearts on it. Pink heart shaped sunglasses outlined in yellow were over his eyes.

Velvet happily took a picture of herself and Vox, much to the TV demon’s annoyance. Velvet eagerly tapped on her phone with a big smile on her face.

Valentino looked at his cell phone in annoyance.

Valentino: Did you get my money, Angie Baby?

Angelo Dust: I’m wittha John now. I don’t get why this needed to happen so soon after the extermination, tho. Boss.

Valentino: Just do it. No sass. K sugar.

Angel Dust: Yes, Val.

A bunch of imps dressed in top hats and round ladies’ hats feasted on a bloody body after a demon with a messy mane pulled out an angelic spear to sell on the black market. Beside her was an emotionless scientist Annie with long white hair and round red glasses dressed in a white lab coat. She was recording deaths and the number of weapons on a clipboard for Xirxine Labs.

Rosie was a bird-like Overlord, elegantly dressed in a magenta dress under her long black neck. She had pitch black eyes, light skin and short lavender hair like a demonic Mary Poppins. She wore a matching wide-brimmed ladies’ hat with skulls and black roses on it. Born in Hell and appearing like a 20th century woman, she was a cruel CEO who used her workers’ wages for her lavish lifestyle. With a grin, she crossed out “Franklin” on a pink sign that read “Franklin and Rosie’s Emporium.”

A brown furry demon plucked another demon’s head off the ground and put in a grocery cart full of other demon heads. More demons wondered around, including a smoking demon, a teen demon and a demon with a striped suit appearing out of nowhere. The Jackpot Hotel and Devil’s Diner were nearby.

As Charlie cried, the clock tower rang out and the counter read “365 days til next cleanse.” A shadow painting of a figure was on the bottom of the tower, along with concert posters. “Lilith in concert” was displayed on a few posters.

“The Spider In Kinky Boots”

A blue demon with many arms fell to the ground with a yell. The demon had red eyes and stood up. It looked at itself in amazement. “I’m alive! I’m alive!” A car ran over the demon, as blood splattered everywhere. The car pulled to a stop and a demon got out.

He was a tall white spider demon, his face and body white and furry. Light pink spots decorated his face and dark pink spots were under his pink eyes. The spots were reminiscent of extra spider eyes. A pink heart was on the back of his head. He wore a pink and white striped suit and high bright pink heeled boots. Pink gloves covered four of his hands. The demon also wore a black bow tie under his neck and a little black choker on his thin neck.

He was Angel Dust, formerly Anthony when he was alive. He had died of an overuse of PCP, a.k.a. angel dust, hence his name. He was Hell’s number one porn star, and a common participant in the many violent wars over territory that frequently occurred. Angel was part of an Italian mafia family that had lived in New York in the early 1900s. The bubbly Molly was his younger sister, Arackniss was his black furry brother, and the grey Henroin was his father. Aranea, his mother, was nowhere to be found. Now here he was in Hell, working under the harsh command of his pimp boss Valentino.

Angel rested his elbow on the open car door, slicking his fur back on his head. A gold fang was visible. Being a spider demon, he had multiple arms. His left eye was black with a pink pupil and his right eye was white with a pink iris.

“Thanks for the fun time, hot stuff,” came a gruff voice from the driver’s seat. Travis, the grey owl demon.

“Yeah, yeah listen,” Angel said, closing the door and facing Travis, “Keep this discreet, hear me?” He briefly glanced around. “I can’t let it get out I’m offering my services to randos on the street. It was a quick cash crab, ya got that?”

He smiled and snapped all his fingers at Travis.

“Pfft. Whatever you say, slut!” Travis mocked with a laugh. A black and gray top hat was on his head. His left eye was black with a red heart pupil while his right eye was white with a black pupil.

The white demon cupped his face dramatically. “Ouch, oh, such an insult!” he declared, pretending to be offended. He leaned into the open car window. Travis’ eyes shrank back and his ears flopped in fear. Angel smirked, “Let me know when you come up with something creative to call me next time, you poorly packaged sack of horse shit.”

He poked Travis and his nose with his finger. “Tell the misses I said hi,” Angel said, blowing him a kiss before leaning back out.

Travis rolled up the window and grumbled. “Poorly packaged…” The car flipped in the air before falling with a loud crash.

Angel looked behind him at a store. One sign had a dripping needle that said ”blood draw” on it. A door had an upside down cross as part of the decoration. A yellow neon sign read “Beg Slut,” while a teal one read “We couldn’t think of a pun for our shop, but we sell hard drugs!” A casino flier read “Casino: just a few wins away.” A red vending machine with the word “drugs” written in white caught the spider demon’s attention. He walked over and glanced down at the options:

Coke

Bojack

McWeedies420

Squip

Hero-in

Krunchy Krokodil

Angel Dust

The demon pressed a button labeled “angel dust” and a white sack fell to the bottom. With a greedy smile, he took it in her hands.

With a yoink, a gray demon snatched the bag from his hands.

“Hey!” Angel yelled.

“Up yours, drag show!” hollered the demon before he was crushed by a boulder.

“Oh my god!” cried Angel, but he wasn’t worried about the crushed demon. He sadly picked up a piece of the sack.

“My drugs! Damn it!”

“Something Rotten”

Angel turned around and spotted a flying metal aircraft, which was firing lasers at buildings. It looked like an industrial rocket ship made with gears and a steampunk style to it. A metal hook hung from the bottom of it. The lasers struck the buildings, which caused bright pink explosions to fill the air.

From inside the ship, a serpent Overlord stood high above over the controls, laughing manically. Down below, his deviled egg minions stood and watched. Each of them wore black top hats pinstriped round clothing. They were called the Egg Bois.

The room had deep purple walls, cabinets for the minions and decorations of their leader along the wall. The stairs and many of the structures on the ship depicted scales.

The Overlord was Sir Pentious. He wore a light gray Victorian style suit with yellow vertical stripes down the front. The undershirt was yellow with a pink eye on it under a black bow tie. He had the lower body of a dark gray and yellow snake, plus a black tail with yellow stripes and pink eyes all over it. His gray top hat had a moving pink eye and a grinning mouth of fangs. He sprouted a demonic grin of sharp yellow teeth and his hood was full of pink hypnotizing eyes.

Sir Pentious had died in 1888 in the Industrial Revolution due to machine failure and a blizzard. He worked on several inventions in London, selling them, and looking down on those of a lower status. People had called the aristocrat a “sneaky snake in the grass.” With the help of the blue anglerfish mad scientist Baxter (who had died of drowning on a boat), Sir Pentious was able to command and create his Egg Boi minions. (Baxter, the deviant Hellhound Crymini and dapper woman Mimzy were off in their own respective places.)

Up on the platform, the serpent oriented two levers in his hands, the control button in the center displaying a pentagram design.

“Those other cowardly sinners dare not hinder my territorial takeover! A wise decision. The power of my machines are unmatched! No other demon can compare to the likes of I!”

One egg minion with #23 on his back added, “Gee that was pretty swell boss!”

“Yeah!” another chimed in: #666.

“You really showed them what for!” called a third.

Another minion teasingly ran his fingers up the Overlord’s spine. “I like it when you shot them with your ray gun…”

Sir Pentious punched a minion out the window and whirled around in anger. The other minions backed up. “I wish he’d shoot me with his ray gun,” a minion whispered, head lowered.

Sir Pentious rolled his pink eyes at his minions. He turned back to the controls and grinned. Pentagram circles revealed the areas he had taken over and the other territories ahead.

“At this rate, I will seize control of the entire west side of the Pentagram by day’s end!”

He bragged some more. “And nothing, not a single beast in this inferno of suffering, will be able to take back this empire from my constrictive grasp!”

As to prove his point, he grabbed a minion in his tail and tightly squeezed.

Another minion blew a noisemaker and then popped open a blue bottle of a brown drink. The Overlord threw the minion across the room as the eggs celebrated down below. “Oh boy!” cheered one.

“Hell will be mine!” he declared, “and everyone will know the name of Sir…”

“Edgelord!” yelled a voice.

“Pardon?!” Sir Pentious shot back in shock, looking around. “Who said that?!”

He leaned in close to two of his minions, not pleased.

“What did you just say to me, you fried chicken fetuses?!”

The minions shook in fear.

“Speak up!” he hissed.

“It wasn’t us, mister boss man,” said a minion.

Sir Pentious flinched back, a look of terror on his face.

The bomb exploded, covering the room in sparkles and thick red smoke.

Sir Pentious coughed and swiped some of the smoke away.

“You looking for a fight, old man?” a female voice challenged.

Sir Pentious spotted his rival standing proud and casually catching another bomb in her hand: Cherri Bomb.

The woman was towering tall in one high pink boot on her left foot, the other foot with a sock on it. She wore black pants filled with holes, along with a pink crop top with an x on the front over her left breast. Freckles dotted her face and skin. She had long strawberry blonde hair in a ponytail and a single pink eye with a white x that took up most of her white face. She spouted a grin of sharp teeth.

Cherri had died in the 1980s in Australia, due to a bomb explosion. She was a hot-headed rebel in a more easygoing culture, always fighting for the rights of LGBTQ + individuals and the downtrodden. She loved blowing things up.

“Why don’t you get that tinker toy bullshit off my turf before I smash it…” she declared before catching her bomb. A random barbell of metal crashed into the floor close to Cherri Bomb.

“…more,” she finished.

“Oh, you wanna go, missy?” Sir Pentious retorted, doing air quotes with his fingers. He flicked his hood back before opening it. “Well, I’m happy to oblige!”

He let out another laugh as his minions closed in, holding stun guns, which crackled with yellow electricity.

But Cherri Bomb just scoffed. With graceful leaps, she avoided the blasts and threw down another bomb. She used the cover to escape, jumping down and swinging once from the anchor at the bottom of the flying craft. Landing gracefully on the ground, she continued her assault from below.

“Catch me if you can, snake man!” she taunted out loud.

“Get her!” he bellowed through the red smoke, the eggs quickly running around in a frenzy.

The minions jumped to the ground after her, the Overlord following suit. Cherri Bomb dodged a blast, grinned and picked up the minion egg. She spun around and threw the minion straight into Sir Pentious’ face. The snake threw the egg back at her, and she caught it with one hand.

“Thanks for the gift!” Cherri called out, before cracking the egg open with an evil grin. She placed a bomb into it, then threw it back...straight into his face. Sir Pentious could only make a face of surprise before the egg blew up in pink smoke.

“Why you little…”

Cherri Bomb ducked as another egg sailed over her head.

Just then, a familiar drug-addict white demon stomped on an egg minion and threw a grenade in the distance.

“Angel!” called Cherri Bomb, happy to have her partner in crime arrive.

“Great to see you too, sweetie!” he teased.

Pink explosion filled the air as the fight continued.

“Hey, thanks for the backup, Angie!” Cherri Bomb smiled as she fired a flaming red blast from a metal canon weapon toward Sir Pentious.

Angel Dust laughed, leaning against volcanic rock as cover. He threw a grenade over his head.

“Hahaha! Are you kiddin’? This is the best action I’ve seen in ages!”

A pink explosion rocked the streets.

“Where have you been anyway?” Cherri asked as she removed a fuse from another bomb. “I thought you up and died or some shit.”

“Oh I wish,” Angel remarked as he lit another fuse and handed the bomb to his ally. “I’ve been staying at this crappy hotel on the other side of town. Some boards are lettin’ me stay rent-free if I play nice.”

Cherri threw her bomb, then ducked beside Angel behind the rock. They both covered their ears. A column of green smoke rose into the air with a fiery whoosh.

The duo leaped over the rock and charged at the army of egg minions. Using four arms, Angel Dust fired rapidly from a tommy gun at the minions, making some of them explode.

He sighed, and used one of his hands to gesture. “Y’know, no fights, no pranks, no “problematic language.” Her words, not mine.”

Angel tripped an unsuspecting minion, sending him into the air and exploding in a yellow yok mess. Angel waved a spiked club and continued firing his gun, his shadow silhouette briefly behind him. A pot shop stood in the background, with marijuana leaves near the sign.

“These bitches are no fun!” Angel complained in frustration. Splatters of yok landed on his head and face. “I’ve been clean for two weeks!”

“Holy shit!” Cherri Bomb yelled after avoiding a green explosion and leaping into the air, more bombs in her hands.

Angel scooped up yok with his pink gloved finger. “Well, sorta clean.” He smashed apart another egg minion with his club. “As clean as you can get with a shitload of Bolivian marching powder.”

Angel’s shadowy silhouette displayed sharp fangs as Cherri posed in the background. A sign read “50% off meth” above a small super market.

A black chain wrapped tightly around Angel’s waist and chest, sending him flying backwards. Cherri Bomb gasped as her ally was pulled away. Sir Pentious threw the chained Angel hard onto the ground a distance away. The spider landed with a thud against volcanic rock.

“Oh, harder daddy!” Angel teased with a wide smirk.

Sir Pentious gasped, eyes tearing up. “Son?!”

Angel Dust stared blankly, one eye raised, a look of disbelief on his face.

Cherri Bomb rushed into action, landing a sharp kick to Sir Pentious’ back. The villain landed on the ground, then hissed threateningly. He stood up in anger.

“You whores have no class!” he exclaimed. “In war, the side remembered is the side with the most…style.” He sprung his bow tie in emphasis.

Cherri Bomb broke open an egg and tossed the shells aside. Angel stood up, freeing himself from the chains.

“Or the side that ain’t dead,” Cherri added.

“Speaking of style, is your hat like, alive or something?” asked the spider demon wiggling his fingers.

Sir Pentious hissed. “Oh, well, that’s none of your goddamn business, now is it?”

Angel continued, “Would that make your hat the top and you the bottom?”

He and Cherri burst into laughter. Even a pink “loser” sign pointed at the oblivious villain. “Ooooh,” said a minion near him. “One hellish burn.” The snake slapped the egg with his hand.

“I’m going to blow you to bits!” Sir Pentious yelled, pointing at them.

“Hmm! Kinky!” Angel teased with a smirk.

“Not like that! Pervert!” yelled the villain, pointing a finger. Cherri Bomb and Angel Dust held in laughter.

Sir Pentious grinned. “Not so cocky now, are we?”

“Y’know, you really need to watch what’s coming out of your mouth,” Angel remarked. “I’ve been making these sex jokes this whole time!”

A drill poked out from the ground, Angel barely avoiding it. A minion held a drill in his small hands at Angel. Two extra arms popped out from Angel’s body, holding his rifle.

“And it’s obvious you ain’t catching on.”

He cocked his gun. “I mean, it’s just…sad!”

The spider jumped into the air, freeing himself and firing the gun. The laser hit Sir Pentious and his gray top hat fell off. Angel flipped him the bird.

Cherri Bomb popped up next to Angel, walking sideways. “Think you’re gonna get into a lot of trouble for this?”

“Eh, what’s one little brawl gonna cause?” Angel shrugged his shoulders and retracted his extra arms. Sir Pentious lay fuming on the ground.

More egg minions scrambled over to the edge of a high cliff, overlooking the scene. Egg shells and yok puddles littered the cracked street.

Cherri Bomb playfully elbowed Angel. “Glad ya haven’t changed. You know you’re my favorite guy to party with!”

“You know it, sugar tits,” Angel replied with a playful grin.

“You ready to finish this?” Cherri asked. She rolled a bomb from one of her shoulders to her other shoulder, then into her hand.

Angel cocked his gun again. “Born ready, baby!”

The duo charged at Sir Pentious. Everyone yelled. More egg minions fell and Sir Pentious realized he was running out fast.

After several more minutes of battle, Sir Pentious and his remaining minions retreated back to their ship. “This isn’t over, sluts!” he declared at his enemies. “I’ll have my revenge!” The ship hatch closed. The egg minions steered the ship and it rose into the air, almost sending the Overlord flying out of the craft. He tossed out more minions in response before taking the controls and flying the craft away.

Angel and Cherri Bomb high-fived.

“See you around,” Cherri said.

“Until the next brawl,” said Angel.

After buying some more amino and pot from the 666 Shop, Angel met with Charlie and Vaggie in a white monster limo with teeth on the front of the vehicle. A great day indeed for the promiscuous demon.

“Morning Report”

Transcript during the 666 News:

“BREAKING NEWS: A LARGE SCALE TURF WAR IS UNDERWAY IN PENTAGRAM CITY BETWEEN SIR PENTIOUS AND CHERRI BOMB. THE SURROUNDING AREAS ARE COVERED IN DEBRIS, SO PLEASE AVOID DOWNTOWN ON YOUR COMMUTE TODAY. TRAFFIC IS “HELLA” BACKED UP. GET IT? “HELL” BUT WITH AN “A” AT THE END? THAT’S A WORD YOUNGER PEOPLE SEEM TO ENJOY USING. I DON’T REALLY LIKE IT, THOUGH. I WROTE IT BECAUSE IT SEEMED LIKE THE NATURAL KIND OF PUN TO MAKE FOR THIS SITUATION, BUT NOW THAT I SEE IT IN TEXT, I FEEL LIKE IT WAS A MISTAKE, A MISTAKE I CAN’T TAKE BACK…LIKE CHEATING ON MY WIFE. I’M SO SORRY, MARTHA. I SHOULDN’T HAVE DONE IT, BUT YOU DID GAIN A LOT OF WEIGHT AFTER THE BABY AND I REALLY NEEDED SOME SPACE. YOU KNOW, WHAT? NO, THAT WAS A GOOD CALL. I BANGED THE CLEANING LADY, AND THAT WAS A PRETTY NICE TIME, EVEN THOUGH SHE LAUGHED AT ME WHEN I TOLD HER I COULDN’T GET OFF UNLESS SHE LICKED MY FOOT FIRST. I DON’T SEE HOW THAT’S A WEIRD REQUEST. MAYBE IF I’D JUST GET A HOOKER, SHE WOULD’VE BEEN MORE AGREEABLE. THE POINT IS, MY WIFE IS A FUCKING BITCH. ONE TIME, WE WENT TO THE ZOO AND I GOT REALLY MAD BECAUSE I THOUGHT THE ORANGUTAN WAS MAKING FUN OF ME. HE KEPT DOING THAT STUPID DUCK LIP FACE? THEIR LIPS ALL PUCKERED? THEN IT STARTED SCREAMING, AND THAT REALLY PISSED ME OFF. MY WIFE TOLD ME IT WAS JUST A MONKEY, AND TO “CALM DOWN.”

A neon logo appeared on the screen, displaying “666 News” in a circle with a neon eye underneath. The names of the news cast appeared on the bottom of the screen.

A skeletal demon woman with short blonde hair and a large toothy grin sat wearing a dark pink fancy dress with a pearl necklace. Sitting at the other chair, dressed in a blue-gray business suit was a demon with a gray gas mask for a face along with short light blonde hair. They were live on the air.

“Good afternoon!” said the woman. “I’m Katie Killjoy.”

“And I’m Tom Trench!” said the masked man. “Chaos at Pentagram City today as a turf war is raging on the west side between notable king Sir Pentious and self-proclaimed spunky powerhouse Cherri Bomb!”

Two pictures surrounded by flame borders showed Sir Pentious wearing a yellow “music band” shirt, and a backwards baseball cap, doing a peace sign and wearing a pair of sunglasses with a dopey expression on his face. The other picture showed Cherri Bomb flipping the bird with a grin and standing under glittering spotlights.

“That’s right Tom!” Katie added. “After the recent extermination, many areas are now up for grabs! Demons all over Hell are already duking it out to gain new territory!”

The clips showed Sir Pentious fighting Cherri Bomb with the egg minions.

“Those two seem to really be going at it, huh? Looks like they’re fighting tooth and nail for that hot spot!” Katie popped a tooth and a nail into her mouth.

“And I’d sure like to nail her hot spot!” Tom Trench remarked.

Katie chuckled forcefully. “You’re a limp dick jackass, Tom. Or should I say…”

Adding insult and injury, she poured hot coffee over his crotch…

“No dick!”

“Augh! Not again!” he groaned.

Another picture surrounded by a border of flames displayed Charlie with the letters “Princess of Hell” next to it.

Katie continued. “Coming up next, we have an exclusive interview with the daughter of Hell’s own head honcho, who’s here to discuss her brand new passion-project!”

Tom Trench winced in pain on the desk.

“All that and more after the break!”

Katie broke her white mug in her hand, and turned to Tom Trench. “Suck it up you little bitch…”

The TV went off air, displaying Katie’s mouth and eyes, colored bars and “off air” with a pentagram in the “O”.

Inside the break room, Vaggie adjusted Charlie’s black bowtie. Nearby, a red tinted sign said that smoking was, indeed, allowed. Another sign read “on air,” in large letters.

Vaggie had died at age 22 in 2014. She was El Salvadorian and had died from a gang rape. Ever since then, she mistrusted nearly every man he saw, carrying a harpoon wherever she went. Vaggie could say she was lucky to have found Charlie.

“Okay, you remember what to say?” Vaggie asked.

Charlie took a deep breath, enthusiasm in her voice. “Yes! Let’s do this!”

Vaggie put a comforting hand on her shoulder. She signaled with two fingers for her to pay attention. “Just, look at me and I’ll mouth it to you.”

Charlie sighed. “Come on, Vaggie! I know what to say!”

Charlie walked over to the pitcher of red punch, where her bodyguards were eating donuts. “I just feel like we need to…I don’t know, make things sound more exciting…”

She tossed a donut aside before gasping.

“Oh! What if I…”

“Sing a song about it?” Vaggie finished.

“You knew I was gonna say that.” She playfully tapped her friend on the nose.

Vaggie chuckled before adjusting Charlie’s bowtie again and shook her shoulders. “Because I know you. But please don’t sing. This is serious.” She pounded his fist onto his hand.

Charlie snapped her fingers and briefly winked. “Well, you know, I find I’m better at expressing my goals through song!” She stood on the table and arched her arms dramatically.

“But life isn’t a musical, hun,” Vaggie reminded her.

“Fine,” Charlie said with a slump. Then she brightened again.

“But I do have these other ideas of what to say.”

She hopped off the table and pulled out a piece of paper, hopping excitedly.

“The highlighted bits are the best parts!”

Vaggie took the paper and scanned it in disbelief. “Uh, it’s all highlighted. Is this a drawing?”

“Yes!” Charlie answered. She pointed to her picture. It showed a list highlighted in yellow that read: “4, unicorn kisses,” “5, dolphin high-fives?” and “6, sing show tunes = happy ending!” She had drawn stick figures of demons standing on clouds under a rainbow with a sun and red hearts with faces on them.

“That’s the happy ending, see? Everyone’s smiling and happy in Heaven!”

“I don’t think it’s that simple,” Vaggie stated. She then begged her: “Just please follow the talking points we went over.”

She pulled Charlie close and stared her directly in the eyes. “And do. Not. Sing.”

Charlie sighed exasperatedly. “Fine.” Then she trotted over and spoke in an accent. “I’ll just have to resort to my impeccable improv skills.” She gave a salute, several moves of her head, and walked out.

Vaggie suspected that this would not end well.

“Biggest Blame Fool”

Charlie walked over to Katie Killjoy, who posed in her red dress, smoking a cigarette.

“Hi! I’m Charlie.”

She waved and held out her hand.

“Katie Killjoy,” the woman deadpanned before blowing out smoke and snapping her cigarette. She wore heavy lipstick and white earrings. “I’d say it’s a ‘pleasure’ to meet you, but that would be a lie. You can put that away,” she regarded Charlie’s hand. “I don’t touch the gays. I have standards.”

“Yeah?” Charlie asked nervously, looking at a big flashing sign that read “Hell’s #1 News!” “How’s uh…how’s that working for ya?”

“Look, my time is money, so I’ll keep this short,” Katie cut in. She invasively tapped Charlie’s chest several times and poked her nose with her finger. “You’re not here because we wanted you here. You’re here because Jeffery could make it for his cannibal cooking segment.”

Katie mentioned to a billboard that showed a blonde man wearing glasses holding up a platter with meat, poop, and a skull on it. “It’s Dahn Good: Cooking Show! Guaranteed Cannibalious!” read the sign. The man had been a serial killer who had also molested boys. “Who approved this show?” was on a sticky note nearby.

Tom Trench shook his head in his seat. “Sex! Murder! Weather!” were displayed on a column of three smaller signs.

Katie fluffed up her hair and continued: “You might be some royal bigshot, but that doesn’t mean shit to me. I’m too rich and too influential to give a flying fuck about what some tux-wearing demon “princess” wants to advertise.”

“But I…” Charlie began.

“So don’t get cute with me, honey,” she warned, getting into Charlie’s face, curling her fingers, “Or I will fucking bury you!”

“And we’re live!” said a voice.

Katie rushed back into her seat with a bony crack of her neck.

“Welcome back!”

Charlie sat in a chair next to her.

“So, Charlotte…”

“It’s Charlie,” she squeaked.

“Whatever,” Katie dismissed. She took a frustrated breath and clicked her red pen in her hand. “Tell us about this new passion project you’ve been insistently pestering our news station about!”

“Well…” Charlie cleared her throat. She looked nervously at the demonic crew in front of her. A demon with a TV head, had “words” flashed across the screen in angry red letters. There was a demon with a black hat for a face, an Egyptian-like female with a white poodle, a woman with teal skin, a demon with glasses and green snake hair, a demon with two thin heads, several red horned demons and a few Overlords. Another woman wore a hat with hanging beads and colorful Day of the Dead makeup on her face. Vaggie encouraged her to go on.

Charlie took a deep breath, her voice soft spoken.

“As most of you know, I was born here in Hell, and growing up, I’ve always tried to see the good in everything around me.”

Katie clicked her pen impatiently. She spotted a green caterpillar and stabbed it with her pen with a predatory grin. Ink splattered on Charlie’s face and around the area.

Charlie continued, wiping off the dark pink ink from her face: “Hell is my home and…you are my people. We…”

Vaggie gave her a thumbs up and a smile.

“…we just went through another extermination. We lost so many souls, and it breaks my heart to see my people being slaughtered every year.” Her voice rose. “No one is even given a chance!”

Charlie banged her fist on the desk, waking Katie from a bored drooling daze. A buff demon with horns and four eyes with a skull bull face wore a shirt with the word “crew” on it. An imp with a heart on his forehead stood nearby.

Charlie made her way forward. “I can’t stand idly by while the place I live is subjected to such violence! So, I’ve been thinking. Isn’t there a more humane way to hinder overpopulation here in Hell? Perhaps we can create an alternative way to change souls through…redemption?”

Charlie pulled the buff demon into a side hug. “Well, I think yes. So that’s what this project aims to achieve!” She ran back to the desk.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I’m opening the first of its kind! A hotel that rehabilitates sinners!”

The audience stared in stunned silence as Charlie spread out her arms. Not even the flesh-eating crickets were chirping through the awkward quiet.

A bloodstained logo “Radio Hack” was displayed above a window which provided a stack of a dozen TVs inside. One demon watching had deer antlers and a flaming blue face, one of the many cruel Overlords. Crymini, the 90’s rocker hellhound, stood with a little demon wearing a jester hat upside down. Two hellhound twins stood nearby, one with dyed red hair, the other purple. A neon sign nearby read “Bar” “Klub Kanji,” and “used TVs.”

In a bar, dark demons wearing cowboy hats were playing pool, not even paying attention. The lead gun faced demon wore a cloth over his grinning face and had a large barrel gun for a face. His friend looked like a demonic bug, and another looked like a mustached villain. Meanwhile in a bar, purple and blue dragon-like demons sat and drank while casually watching the TVs overhead.

Charlie stuttered, “Ya know…’Cause hotels are for people passing through…temporarily…”

A tattooed dark blue reptile demon stood up and let out a loud laugh as Charlie babbled on.

“Is this girl for real? She thinks, you hear what she thinks? She’s…ha, ha ha! Oh she’s nuts.” The demon walked away with a small lavender creature and a tall maroon being wearing punk rock clothing and crazy neon hair.

Charlie added, “I figure it would serve a purpose…a place to work toward redemption!” She weakly added, “Yay.”

One dragon demon leaped away as a tall shadowy figure stood in the background. The sound of tap shoes approached.

The figure stood right next to ratted fliers which read “Beware him! Do not fuck with him!” “The Radio Demon” and “Radio Sounds!” was scrawled in red on demons screaming and fleeing from a monster.

The man smiled and tilted his head a notch as he watched the TV with curiosity and amusement. His shadow next to him briefly morphed into a shadowy face with fluffy ears and antlers. He spotted the fliers out of the corner of his red eyes, holding in a laugh.

“Who, me? ‘Obviously’ not! I’d never put on a show and make other demons flee to their graves.”

Just the thought of it got him excited.

He had heard of the demon princess before, but he wasn’t expecting her to appear on TV. He certainly never heard of an idea so crazy before. Making sinners good people was even less likely than making pigs fly (which was one magic trick he could easily do).

When Charlie started to sing, the red eyed demon couldn’t help but tap his cloven feet and silently hum along.

“Haven’t been this entertained since I broadcasted my massacre in the Ring of Wrath. This cute Charlie character is intriguing…”

Befriending the princess, and doing something different seemed like a good idea. He glanced over at a faraway Happy Hotel building with a grin.

He knew where he would go next.

Back at the news station, a cameraman with blue hair and a white face looked up and scoffed, “She’s a stupid bitch.”

Vaggie punched him hard in the face in response, causing him to fall off the chair to the ground.

Charlie stared around her, concerned. “Look, every single one of you has something good deep down inside. I know you do.”

A light bulb went off in her head and she smirked. “Maybe I’m not getting through to you…”

Vaggie face palmed, knowing what was coming next. “Oh no…”

Charlie snapped her fingers and her bodyguard demons appeared. One sat and began to play a grand piano.

Summoning the Disney princess within her, Charlie belted out her song:

“I have a dream

I’m here to tell

About a wonderful, fantastic new hotel

Yes, it’s one of a kind

Right here in Hell

Catering to a specific clientele”

Razzle and Dazzle howled along…

The tempo rapidly picked up…

“Inside of every demon is a rainbow

Inside every sinner is a shiny smile

Inside of every creepy hatchet-wielding maniac

Is a jolly, happy cupcake-loving child”

“We can turn around

They’ll be heaven-bound!

With just a little time

Down at the Happy Hotel!”

“So all you junkies, freaks and weirdos

Creepers, fuck-ups, crooks, and zeroes

And the fallen superheroes, help is here!

All of you cretins, sluts and losers

Sexual deviants and boozers

And prescription drug abusers

Need not fear

Forever again

We’ll cure your sin

We’ll make you well

You’ll feel so swell

Right here in Hell at the Happy Hotel!”

“There’ll be no more fire

And there’ll be no more screams

Just puppy dog kisses, and cotton candy dreams

And puffy-wuffy clouds

You’re gonna be all like, wow!

Once you check in with me!”

“So all your cartoon porn addictions

Vegan rants, psychic predictions

Ancient Roman crucifixions

End right here!”

“All you monsters, thieves and crazies

Cannibals and crying babies

Frothing mouthers full of rabies

Fill with cheer!”

“You’ll be complete!

It’ll be so neat!

Our service can’t be beat!

You’ll be on easy street! (Yes!)

Life will be sweet at the Happy Hotel!

Yeah!”

Throughout the song, Charlie imagined giving a shiny cupcake to a masked killer, holding cotton candy and a brown puppy in her arms in the clouds…avoiding the attacks of every horror movie serial killer… (Music Logic)

She pictured throwing drugs into a bin of fire, giving shots to monsters, giving money to charity, disturbing porn additions with a bra…

Snatching a “my waifu” and porn magazine of out a demon’s hands…

Throwing away demon’s cell phones…

Knocking over crosses…

Avoiding a scary spider overlord with yellow bat wings and pink eyes all over his body…

Giving demons big hugs…

Charlie emerging in her horned demon form from a flaming pentagram, and jumping with joy in a land full of candy, rainbows, and ice cream.

Charlie finished with a pose on the table, arms in the air and panted.

The top hat demon smiled. “Wow! That was…shit!”

The crowd burst into rancorous laughter and boos, including a blue demon made of fire in the boo section. Katie shrieked and banged her fist on the table. Charlie sank down to her knees in embarrassment.

Katie laughed. “What in the Nine Circles makes you think a single denizen of Hell would give two shits about becoming a better person? You have no proof that this little experiment even works! You want people to be good just…because?”

Charlie lifted up her head. “Well, we have a patron already who believes in our cause, and he’s shown incredible progress!”

“Oh?” Katie asked, leaning in, “…and who might that be?”

“Oh just someone named…Angel Dust.”

“The porn star?” asked Tom Trench in disbelief. He subconsciously unzipped his zipper and Katie whirled on him; “You fucking would, Tom!” Her sharp nails left marks on the table.

Katie turned back to Charlie. “In any case, that’s not even an accomplishment. I’m sure you can get that hooker to do anything with enough booger sugar and lube.”

Someone wolf-whistled in the audience.

“Oh, I beg to differ,” Charlie argued, holding up her fingers. “He’s been behaved, clean, and out of trouble for two whole weeks.”

“Breaking news!” announced a voice as music came on. Excited, Katie pushed Charlie aside. “We are receiving word that a new player has entered the ongoing turf war! Let’s go check out the live feed!”

To Charlie’s sheer horror, Angel Dust was seen on screen, crushing egg shells and fighting with Cherri Bomb.

“Oh shit,” Charlie breathed.

“Oh shit indeed!” exclaimed Katie with a grin. “It looks like the one who has just joined the battle is none other than…”

She let out a dramatic gasp…”porn actor Angel Dust! What a juicy coincidence!”

The screen showed Angel Dust with the words “Angel Dust in ‘Well, Ok’: 18+.” Dicks and boobs were blurred.

Satisfied, she turned back to Charlie. “You must feel really stupid right now.” Katie and Tom laughed again.

“Ratings!” they added with jazz hands.

“Don’t look at this!” Charlie called, waving her arms in vain from behind the screen.

“Well, it sure looks like your little project is dead on arrival,” Katie smirked. “Tell us, how does it feel to be such a total failure?”

Failure. Failure…Charlie could see her doubt reflected in Katie’s pink eyes and overbearing shadowy figure. Katie and everyone laughed some more, their jeers painful to Charlie’s ears.

“Yeah?” Charlie asked. She snatched up Katie’s red pen and held it triumphantly. “Well, how does it feel that I got your pen, huh? Bitch?!”

Katie glared dangerously. Charlie dropped the pen with a nervous smile, “Oops.”

Tom leaped out of the way.

Katie grew taller, her form turning to shadow. Out sprouted claws, four extra sharp appendages, and four red eyes on her face like a spider. She launched herself at Charlie. Charlie clawed at her hair and landed punches as the alarm went off in the news room. Katie crawled on the desk on multiple legs like an insect, baring her fangs before Charlie jumped and knocked her off the table. Tom Trench screamed as his body was set on fire. “Why won’t anyone help me?!”

Charlie eventually ran out of the news room, Katie following close behind, as everyone yelled.

“And stay out, you retarded dike!” Katie cussed as Charlie made a run for it down the sidewalk. Charlie was tempted to strangle the homophobic, news diva with her bare hands…but that would only contradict her goal…if she even had one anymore.

Vaggie followed her and the two of didn’t say a word as they waited for their ride. Soon enough, a white limo with a monster mouth on the front of the vehicle rolled to the curb. Vaggie and Charlie climbed in…and so did an ecstatic Angel Dust. The doors closed and they drove off toward the Happy Hotel.

“Your Fault”

Charlie had never felt so humiliated in her life. She sat in her seat and curled into herself. Once again, her ideas were dismissed, mocked, ridiculed. No one was willing to see the good in themselves. The demons were content to wallow in suffering, violence, and cruelty until the end of their afterlives. Tears were already threatening to spill from her yellow eyes, but she held them in.

Maybe her father was right. What if she really was a failure, like everyone said?

As if reading her mind, Vaggie gave her a small hug. “You’re not a failure, Charlie. It’s just…no one understands your ideas. People think they’re…I don’t know…outlandish?”

She got a sad sigh from Charlie in response. “I just wanted to make things better for my people. I know I don’t feel much like a princess, but at the same time…I feel like it’s my duty…my destiny to being some cheer to this place.”

“Heh. No one can ever top your optimism,” Vaggie mentioned, with a playful roll of her orange eye. “Your happiness can be spotted miles away.”

A small smile formed on Charlie’s face. “Well, at least I can pull myself up and keep going…”

Vaggie stared, hopeful…

“…But today isn’t one of those days.”

Vaggie slumped slightly. “I did warn you not to sing.”

“I couldn’t help it,” she countered. “How else was I supposed to get my message across?”

“Not everyone likes singing and music all the time.”

“My family does.”

“But the other demons aren’t your family.”

Charlie stared out the window at the buildings whizzing by. “Sometimes I feel like my family is bigger than just my parents.” She turned to look at her girlfriend. “You’re my best friend, sorta like my sister…and the only one who seems to get me. You’re part of my family already.”

Vaggie chuckled softly. “Without me, you wouldn’t have lasted very long out in the big world.”

“For once, I agree with you there,” Charlie replied.

During several minutes of silence, the two demon girls locked hands just out of sight. It was their habitual way of showing comfort, and it worked on the many days when Vaggie didn’t want any hugs.

“Don’t get too discouraged,” Vaggie said. “We’ll get back to the hotel and figure things out from there.”

“I kinda feel like singing another lament now.”

“Please don’t.”

“Fine.”

The limo drove past the 666 Shop, the Nightmare Night Club, and an Evil Donuts store, complete with slime and worms displayed on the donut structure. Pink eyes decorated the ceiling of the car. Charlie curled into herself again, and took a puff of a breath. Even the painted eyes seemed to judge her every move. She glanced over at Vaggie, whose eye was twitching in annoyance.

Angel Dust was busy playing with the button, making the car window go up and down, up and down. He froze when he saw an angry Vaggie staring at him.

“What?” Angel asked with a shrug.

“What? What?!” Vaggie shouted, pulling out chunks of her long white hair. “What were you doing?!”

Angel sighed. “Aw come on! I owed my girl buddy a solid! Isn’t that a ‘redeeming quality?’ Helping friends with stuff?”

“Not with turf wars that result in mass murder and destruction!” Vaggie replied.

“Eh, you win some, you lose a few hundred,” he said with a snicker. “It wasn’t that bad anyway.”

He propped up his long legs and pushed the window button again. Vaggie tossed a dagger at the button and it fizzed out in a shower of sparks. Angel stared, shocked and terrified. Vaggie growled in warning.

“Aw come on, I had to!” Angel protested. “My credibility was on the line!” He sighed. “I mean what kind of reputation would I have of people found out I was trying to go clean? It just throws out my entire persona.” He lifted up his furry chest for emphasis.

“Your credibility?” Vaggie asked in anger. “What about the hotel? Your little stunt made us look like a fucking joke!”

“No, no no, babe. Jokes are funny! I made you look…uh, sad. And pathetic! Like an orphan, with no arms. Or legs. Uh…oh with progeria!” Charlie covered her face with her hair as Angel blabbered on.

“Great! Now I’m bummed just thinking about it! This thing have any liquor?” He bent down to the floor and tossed a bottle aside. He then flicked a wrapper away onto a seat.

Vaggie was fuming. “Can you please just try to take this seriously?”

“Fine, I’ll try. Just don’t get your taco in a twist, baby.”

Vaggie stood up with hands on her hips. “Was that you trying to be sexist or racist?”

“Whatever pisses you off more. Is there seriously no liquor in here?”

“I’m gonna kill him,” Vaggie swore, crossing her arms and sitting back down.

“Too, late, toots. Wait, would that make me double dead?” He laughed slowly and loudly. “And where exactly do I go? To double Hell?”

He laughed again. “You’re stuck with me, bitch. Get used to it.”

Vaggie swore in Spanish. “Eat shit, bastard.”

“Listen, who cares if some jagoffs got hurt?” Angel nonchalantly asked. “Most of them are ugly freaks. Look around! Got a bunch of fuckin’ harlequin babies down there.”

“You’re one to talk,” Vaggie muttered with a small smirk.

Angel then yelled “Hey!” in protest. “This body is flawless! Everyone wants some of me and I’ve got the creepy fan letters to prove it!”

He pulled out a dirty piece of paper from his chest that read: “Show me your feet! Brandon. #1 fan/critic.” There was a picture of a young Angel in the lap of a naked fat green man, licking Angel with his green tongue. He had a tattoo of Angel with a red crossed out sign.

This time, Charlie spoke up. “That was really uncool, ya know, Angel.”

Vaggie growled and turned to her friend. “Uncool?!” She mentioned to Angel. “After that train-wreck, there is no way anyone is gonna wanna stay at the hotel.” She turned to the spider. “All thanks to you and your selfish bullshit!”

Angel glanced at a discarded pile of ash and used cigarettes. “Does this mean I don’t get a free room anymore?”

Vaggie spread out her hands as if asking “Well, what do you think?”

He let out a mock sigh and snap. “Ah, well, shucks.”

Charlie pulled off her dark pink jacket, revealing a white shirt with a black bowtie.

“Hey, come on, we don’t know if things are over yet. Try to relax, Vaggie. It’ll be okay!”

Now it was Vaggie’s turn to let out a small smile of thanks. Charlie placed a comforting hand on her shoulder, and her friend calmed down.

“What would I do without you?” Vaggie asked. She and Charlie slowly leaned into each other, their heads gently touching.

“Get a room, girls!” Angel remarked, before receiving a “Shut up!” from both of them.

Finally, the deviant crew arrived at the Happy Hotel. It was a good enough building fit for any demon who wanted to stay a few nights. Eye catching on the outside, but messy on the inside. Eye designs lined the border of a dark pink circus canopy at the front like a creepy mosaic. Branches jutted out from the roof as part of the structure. Old fashioned lanterns attached to the wall had flames flickering inside, nonstop. The double doors consisted of stained glass windows with red apples in the center. Little stained glass snake eyes peered unblinkingly at them from around the larger window in the door.

Angel, Vaggie, and Charlie got out of the car and threw open the double doors. A random black bug scurried away from the incoming light. A yellow sign read “Concierge” behind a pink “welcome” banner. The check in table was decorated with colored flags leaning toward the floor and random balloons with small star shapes on them. A vase was decorated with yellow eyes along the sides. Another flower pot was in the shape of a human mouth…white flowers posed above. Vaggie sighed and plopped onto a red cushioned couch in the style of a monster’s mouth.

The red rug down the hallway was decorated with the same eyeball designs, apples on the end, plus shadow skulls of horned monsters in the center.

All around the room, were pictures of Charlie as a little girl with her father and mother on various trips. One picture showed her and Vaggie in front of a castle at Loo-Loo World, Hells’ version of Disney World.

Angel Dust came across a red fridge leaning low against the wall. He opened the door and pulled out a purple box labeled “Popsies.” He shrugged at the dripping ruined box and took out a popsicle. He gave it a lick.

“It’s prolly a good idea to get some actual food in this place. Y’know, to feed all the wayward souls ya got in here.” He laughed nervously, trying to cheer Charlie up. But Charlie just sat sadly on a wooden box in a darkened area of the room. Angel closed the fridge door, sucked on a popsicle and reached out one of his arms to her…then hesitated. He walked away, letting Charlie have some alone time.

Charlie walked past the two posing elephant statues balancing balls on their trunks, and toward the front door. She opened the door and went outside. Holding out her purple cell phone, (or “Hell Phone, hah, get it?”) she pressed an icon with the word “Mom” decorated with horns and pointed tails on the m’s.

Charlie took a deep breath as a voicemail tone came through.

“Hey Mom. Um, I know I keep calling, and you must be busy. Really busy. But, um…the interview didn’t go well and…I don’t know if I’m going to make a difference. I don’t know what I’m doing. I could really use some advice, Mom.”

She slid down and sat on the stone ground, tears falling from her eyes. She wiped some away with her arm. “I think Dad was…right about me. A-anyway, I’ll stop talking before this gets too long. Love you! Bye.”

She ended the call with a tap and rubbed her eyes with her hand. Standing back up, she opened the door, closed it, and leaned against the stained glass window, eyes closed.

What was she supposed to do now?

“Let’s Misbehave”

A slow ominous knocking from outside interrupted Charlie’s thoughts. She opened her eyes.

Knock. Knock, knock, knock, knock. Knock, knock.

It was a rhythmic knock, sounding like “shave and a haircut.” (Or was it “skunks in a barnyard”, or “imps in a cauldron?” Charlie wasn’t sure.

An ice cold feeling of dread spread through her veins. No other demon would ever do that kind of knock.

Unless…

She tentatively reached out her hand to the door handle, and quickly pulled it open.

Sure enough, the most feared demon in Hell was standing right outside her door, a few shadowy heads with glowing eyes peering through the doorway curiously.

He stood towering over her, wearing an elegant dark red dress coat that had tatters near the bottom. Light red vermilion strips were vertical along the dress coat. His bright red undershirt was decorated with a black upside down cross. His pants were burgundy in color, his shoes black with red deer tracks on the soles. A wine colored bow tie was over his undershirt. He wore burgundy colored gloves over his four clawed fingers, with red tips and knuckles. A fluffy red and black deer tail was hidden under the lower part of dress coat.

It was his face that unsettled Charlie right away. His skin was ashen gray, scars across his chest concealed beneath his clothes. Small black antlers stood on his head between large red and black tuffs shaped like deer ears. The tips of his tuffs were black as where the ends of his red hair by his chin. His eyes were large and glowed red, taking up much of his face. He grinned, showing a wide set of sharp yellow teeth. A monocle rested under his right eye. A red vintage microphone staff was in his left hand. A radio buzz sounded when his demonic eyes lit up.

Charlie’s eyes turned as wide as saucers, her face full of fear.

The man began to speak in a radio-filtered voice, holding up a finger.

“Hell…”

Charlie slammed the door in his face.

She opened the door…

“looo!”

Slammed it again.

The man stood, shocked in front of the stained glass door, smile still plastered on his face, hand and curved claw in the air.

“Well… that was…rude,” he thought. “Usually people are too sacred to answer when I come by. Or they rush to try and please me because they know I could slaughter them at any time. I’ll just wait here then…or maybe break this door down…”

“Hey, Vaggie?” Charlie called.

“What?” Vaggie replied in annoyance on the couch, hand on her forehead.

Charlie flashed a nervous smile. “The Radio Demon is at the door!”

“What?!” she demanded.

“Uh, who?” Angel asked. He sucked erotically on his popsicle.

“What should I do?” Charlie asked, pulling at her lower eyelids.

“Well, don’t let him in!” exclaimed Vaggie.

Charlie was tempted to do just that. But she also had a duty to not leave any sinners behind. She took a breath, eyes furrowed and opened the door again.

“May I speak now?” the red demon asked.

“You may…” Charlie replied.

The man held out his gloved hand which briefly glowed. “Alastor, pleasure to be meeting you, sweetheart, quite a pleasure!”

He eagerly grabbed her wrist and leaned his face close to hers, noses almost touching before strutting inside. Charlie stood, dumbfounded, her hand still out.

Alastor was born French Creole in New Orleans around the early 1900s. He was very close to his African American mother who taught him how to cook, sew, dance, and do voodoo rituals. In contrast, his white Christian father hardly paid any attention to him. Although, his father did teach him how to hunt and do taxidermy. Alastor had brown skin, short brown hair and brown eyes, glasses, a bright smile always on his face.

Alastor was different from many kids his age. He dreamed of playing in a jazz band and performing on stage... and did so for a period of time. But being a man of color, he had it difficult since the beginning. He applied for music and radio jobs, always being turned down and shooed away. Racist remarks became daily background noise, almost impossible to ignore. Alastor’s father would frequently give him black eyes and harsh beatings. Several tragic events happened, including his father raping him and beating his mother. He almost sent Alastor to rot away in an asylum. He had been diagnosed with narcissism and a sexual disorder. (Why didn’t he want to fall in love with a woman?) When his mother died during the Spanish Flu of 1918, he was devastated…he was even forced to bury her himself.

Alastor eventually became a radio host and serial killer. After his father threatened to divorce the family, Alastor killed him with a gun and ate his remains. Alastor mostly killed men who were racist or were criminals. Knives, axes, guns, he used them all. He made a vow to himself to not harm women or children when possible. After killing off several higher ups, he managed to form his own radio studio and became the most famous radio host in Louisiana. Jambalaya, deer meat, black coffee…and human flesh were always on his menu.

Alastor basked in his fame and wealth, even meeting blonde dapper performer Mimzy, who was head over heels for him. But Alastor didn’t want to be tied down to anyone. On the air, he would talk about the murders, play jazz music and tell dad jokes. “Your Never Fully Dress Without A Smile” was his favorite song to play. Alastor enjoyed the Stock Market Crash of 1929, but soon found himself running out of food. Thus, he resorted to cannibalism for survival. No one suspected him until 1933. He got bitten by a rabies dog and ran through the woods. Alastor soon died a brutal death after being shot in the head and mauled by police dogs at the same time.

Due to the deals he had made with otherworldly demons, Alastor gained dark eldritch powers he used to topple Overlords and take over several areas. Broadcasting his massacres was both entertaining and a tactic to let others know he was not to be messed with. He had an army of slave souls plus two pet alligator demons. Alastor hated Vox and his modern technology. No one knew if Alastor wanted Charlie to succeed or not, but he would use any means necessary to accomplish his goals. (But oh how he missed his mother dearly.)

“Excuse my sudden visit,” he told Charlie, “but I saw your fiasco on a picture show and I just couldn’t resist. What a performance!” Clapping sounds came from the microphone. He raised his arms before walking forward. “Why I haven’t been that entertained since the Stock Market Crash of 1929!”

He bobbed his head side to side and burst into laughter. “So many orphans!”

“Stop right there!”

Vaggie suddenly pointed a spear weapon at him, Alastor freezing like a deer in the headlights. She swore in Spanish under her breath. “Rabies son of a bitch! I know your game. And I’m not gonna let you hurt anyone else here, you pompous, cheesy, talk show bastard!”

Angel peeked around the corner to see what was going on.

Alastor merely chuckled slightly and nudged the weapon away with his fingers.

“Dear, if I wanted to hurt anyone here…”

He added in a low creepy tone, his mouth not moving, “I would have done so already.”

His red eyes briefly turned to red radio dials as radio static filled the room. He tilted his head slightly, letting his chaotic magic roam. Vaggie and Charlie were frozen in fear as they caught glimpses of red Voodoo symbols, static, and warped reality.

Then just as quickly, the noise and magic ceased and Alastor shook his head, eyes back to full red. His eyes had briefly been black with red pupils.

“No, I’m here because I want to help!” He bowed.

Charlie was sure she hadn’t heard him right.

“Say what now?” she asked, eyebrows raised.

“Help!” he responded with another laugh. He held up his microphone staff.

“Hello? Is this thing on? Testing, testing…”

He tapped it and a glowing red eye appeared in the center.

“Well, I heard you loud and clear!” the microphone responded in a radio voice, eye shaking in fear.

“Um…you want to help?” Charlie asked.

Alastor appeared behind the demon girls, hands on their backs, switching from a shadow to his regular self. Both Vaggie and Charlie flinched.

“With…” he mentioned in an imitation of Charlie’s higher voice…

“…this ridiculous thing you’re trying to do!” finishing in his normal voice. “This hotel!”

Charlie could hear the call bell ding twice on the table, even though no one was there to ring it.

“I want to help you run it.”

“Uh…why?” Charlie asked, confused.

Alastor laughed again. “Why does anyone do anything? Sheer absolute boredom!”

He curled up his fingers before dramatically putting his hands up to his cheeks. He then moved off to the side. “I’ve lacked inspiration for decades!”

He placed his elbow on an annoyed Vaggie’s head, tilting his head on hers. Then he shoved the moth demon aside.

“My work became mundane, lacking focus…aimless! I’ve come to crave a new form of entertainment!”

He laughed again, tilting his head back.

Charlie looked downcast as Vaggie stood up with a scowl. “Does getting into a fist fight with a reporter count as entertainment?”

Alastor laughed again. “It’s the purest kind, my dear! Reality! True passion! After all, the world is a stage! And the stage is a world of entertainment!”

He smiled and titled his head, after making crawling motions with his fingers.

Charlie brightened a bit. “So, does this mean that you think it’s possible to rehabilitate a demon?”

Alastor help up a dismissive hand and laughed. “Of course not. That’s wacky nonsense! Redemption, oh the non-existent humanity! Nononono, I don’t think there’s anything left that could save such loathsome sinners!”

He grinned at a glaring Vaggie and Angel who sat on the couch and shrugged.

He continued. “The chance given was the life they lived before; the punishment is this!”

He spread out his arms, Angel looking at the front. “There is no undoing what is done!”

“So then, why do you want to help me if you don’t believe in my cause?” Charlie asked.

Alastor smirked from the side and looked at Charlie over his shoulder.

“Consider it an investment in ongoing entertainment for myself!”

Briefly making a “come hither” motion, he pulled Charlie close to him with his arm and twirled her in a quick dance. “I want to watch the scum of the world struggle to climb up the hill of betterment! Only to repeatedly trip and tumble down into the fiery pit of failure.” His eyes glowed red in pleasure, voice lower.

“Right…” Charlie began, slowly removing his clawed hand from her shoulder.

Alastor took her aside for a walk. “Yes indeedy! I see big things coming your way, and who better to help than I.”

“A Cautionary Tale”

“Ah, so uh, what’s the deal with Smiles over there?” Angel asked Vaggie.

“Wait, you’ve never heard of her before?” Vaggie asked, surprised. “You’ve been here longer than me!”

Angel shrugged his shoulders.

“The Radio Demon, one of the most powerful beings Hell has ever seen?” Vaggie asked.

“Eh, I’m not too big on politics,” Angel replied.

Vaggie let out an annoyed sigh before leaning in close to explain.

“Decades ago, Alastor manifested in Hell, seemingly overnight. He began to topple Overlords who had been dominant for centuries. That kind of raw power has never been harnessed by a mortal soul before. Then, he broadcast his carnage all throughout Hell, just so everyone could witness his ability. Sinners started calling him The Radio Demon. (As lazy as that is). Many have speculated what unimaginable force enabled him to rival our world’s most ancient and destructive evils. But one thing’s for sure: He’s an unpredictable source of danger, a wicked spirit of mystery, and a violent monster of chaos, the likes of which we cannot risk getting involved with, unless we want to end up erased.”

Flashes of Alastor in his full demon form, a giant red wendigo-like being with branching black antlers, glowing red eyes, a long lavender tongue, sharp teeth, and long dark claws, appeared on screen. He grinned as he hovered his claws over the demonic faces of voodoo imps and minions. His dress coat revealed a flaming hole where screaming demons struggled to escape.

“Ya done?” Angel asked with a snicker. “He looks like a strawberry pimp!”

Alastor conjured his staff into his hand with a smug look.

“Well, I don’t trust him!” Vaggie exclaimed.

To be fair, do you trust any man? Any men? Men?” Angel asked with a slight laugh.

Vaggie ignored him and walked up in front of her friend.

“Charlie, listen to me. You can’t believe this creep! He isn’t just a happy face! He’s a dealmaker, pure evil! He can’t be redeemed! And is most likely looking for a way to destroy everything we’re trying to do.”

“I…” Charlie began. “…we don’t know that. Look…I know he’s bad, and I know he probably doesn’t wanna change, but the whole point of this is to give people a chance! To have faith things will be better! How can I turn someone away? I can’t. It goes against everything I’m trying to do. Everything I believe in.”

Alastor stared in fascination at a family picture on the wall. It showed Lucifer dressed in a white suit, Lilith in a dark purple dress, and Charlie as a little girl wearing a brown and white dress in the middle. The picture border consisted of branches and yellow eyeballs and a dried rose in the upper right hand corner.

“Such a lovely portrait! A picture of perfection! It’d be such a shame if something awful were to happen to them…”

“Just trust me,” Charlie added, placing comforting hands on her girlfriend’s shoulders, “I can take care of myself.”

Charlie,” warned Vaggie, “Whatever you do, do not make a deal with him!”

From a distance, Alastor opened up the palm of one hand, claws curled. Both girls glanced in his direction, worry on their faces.

“I’ll have these two in the palm of my hand…”

“Don’t worry,” Charlie replied to Vaggie with a chuckle. “I picked up one thing from my Dad…”

She spoke in a manly voice as she walked away, “Ya don’t take shit from other demons!”

Gathering her courage, Charlie marched over to the Radio Demon.

“Ok, so…Al. You’re sketchy as hell, and you clearly see what I’m trying to do here is a joke. But I don’t.”

Red Voodoo symbols appeared around a grinning Alastor, then vanished. Charlie glanced back at him with narrowed eyes.

Charlie continued. “I think everyone deserves a chance to prove they can be better. So, I’m taking your offer to help. On the condition that there be no tricks or voodoo strings attached.” She emphasized with a brief wiggling of her fingers.

Alastor twirled his cane and held out his right hand. “So it’s a deal then?”

Flashes of eerie green light surrounded the two, electricity snaking up the walls. Shadows swirled around the room and everyone covered their faces at the force of the wind.

“Nope!” Charlie yelled, holding out her hands. The energy stopped and light returned to the room. “No shaking! No deals! I…hmm…”

Charlie decided to try another approach.

“As princess of Hell, and heir to the throne, I uh, hereby order that you help with this hotel, for a long as you desire.”

A moment of pause…

“Sound fair?” she asked.

“Hmm…Fair enough.” Alastor shrugged before he strolled away, cane vanishing.

“Cool beans.” Charlie breathed a sigh of relief and even did a thumbs up.

Alastor stopped and spotted Vaggie off to the side. He smirked in a way outside observers would describe as lecherous. He tickled her under her chin with a finger.

“Smile, my dear! You know you’re never fully dressed without one!”

Alastor hummed happily on his way, while Vaggie growled in disgust and rage.

“So…where is your hotel staff?” Alastor asked Charlie, leaning in.

“Uh, well…” Charlie began. Alastor peered at a glaring Vaggie through his monocle. “Oh ho ho ho, you’re going to need more than that.”

He strode over towards Angel.

“And what can you do, my effeminate fellow?”

Angel grinned. “I can suck your dick!”

A screech was heard as Alastor stared in shock and revulsion.

“Ha! No.” Alastor deadpanned.

“Your loss,” Angel said with a grin. Alastor summoned her staff again.

“Well, this just won’t do!” Alastor exclaimed. “I suppose I can cash in a few favors to liven things up!”

The spell came easily in his mind: “dife sèvitè, reveye.”

Alastor snapped his fingers and a fire sparked to life in a small circular fireplace. Animal skeletons decorated either side of the wall, fully repaired.

A dark figure plopped down onto the chimney floor.

Alastor walked over and picked up the ashen creature with his hand. A large single yellow eye was revealed. Angel, Vaggie, and Charlie peered at the creature. In a puff of smoke and a squeak, the creature revealed herself. A cute cyclops girl was wearing a dark pink skirt with a poodle on the front, and a white shirt with pink paint stains. Her hair was magenta and short with a streak of yellow. White spots were on the left side of her skirt. Her single yellow eye took up most of her face.

“This little darling is Niffty!” Alastor introduced with a smile, before dropping her. The girl landed on her feet.

“Hi! I’m Niffty!” she greeted with a wave. “It’s nice to meet you! It’s been a while since I’ve made new friends!” She laughed slightly as her pupil grew smaller, darting in circles.

“Why are you all women?” she asked. She darted over and lifted Charlie up before putting her down. Vaggie growled, aiming her spear at the newcomer.

“Are there any men here?! I’m sorry, that’s rude.” She missed the fact that Angel was male, for obvious reasons.

“Oh man, this place is filthy!” she exclaimed, running around and lifting up couch cushions. “It really needs a ladies’ touch, which is weird, because you’re all women, no offence.” She chewed on a black spider she found, then rushed toward some stained glass windows.

She darted around, using a dust ruffle to clean them, removing spider webs. “Oh my gosh, this is awful! No, no, no…Nope!”

Niffty raced around, removing cobwebs, then poked at a piece of a voodoo doll. Well, it was actually a blue beetle doll that Alastor had stabbed with a clothing pin for her to play with. Niffty turned and exclaimed, “Oh my goodness, a dirty rat!” She dashed over, scooped up the dark grey creature and popped it into her mouth rapidly. Rows of her sharp teeth were visible. Strained squeaks mingled with rapid chewing sounds. “I bet there’s tons of them under this place, I’ll be sure to get more! I can kill dozens of them in a day!”

Alastor looked amused, while the others stared in disbelief.

“So fortunate of me to have met her in Hell. A former chimney sweeper in the 20th century. Heard she died from being burned alive in a fireplace. Services are still good! Though, I didn’t give her much of an option to begin with…”

Meanwhile, at a casino, a cat demon placed a joker, an ace, a 2, and a fourth card down on the table. He had black and white fur, a fluffy chest, wore a black top hat and had red wings with card suits decorated on them. He also had long red eyebrows and wore a large red bow tie.

“Ha!” he declared in triumph. “Read ‘em and weep, boys!”

He suddenly felt himself being forcefully pulled out of the room through space and time.

“Full…whoa!”

“Transpòte ganbadeur la.”

He ducked as a curtain of red energy surrounded the existing space. Voodoo symbols flashed in the background along with eight yellow eyes, a creepy voodoo skull and a purple skeleton of a worm-like creature. Another voodoo skull with horns appeared for a moment not too far from tan ghost-like spirits with creepy faces and a row of jagged teeth.

The cat demon figured he must have had too much booze to drink.

“…the hell?”

As the images faded, he soon found himself at the hotel bar, not in the previous room at the casino. A large “Come and play Blackjack” sign took up much of the wall behind him. Most peculiar, the gray wood walls were missing halfway up, replaced by the red themed décor of the hotel. He was sitting in a portion of the casino he was in. It felt like he was in a house with no roof, surrounded by the outside world.

“What the fuck is this?”

He glared at the group and then saw Alastor, pointing an accusing claw.

“You!”

“Ah, Husker, my good friend!” Alastor cheerfully greeted as audience claps came from the microphone. “Glad you could make it!”

Alastor’s head briefly had the appearance of large antlers sticking out from either side. When he moved it, it was revealed to be an antler skull with glowing green eyes hanging in the background. Snakes were wrapped around one of the pillars supporting a bar stand. “Big Booze,” “Welcome” and “Big Soul” signs were placed overhead on the stand. Neon green card suits consisted of the designs at the bottom of the stand.

Husk had been born in Nevada and grew up in a casino. He enjoyed gambling, drinking, money and magic shows. He had died at age 75 in the 1970s via drinking overdose.

“Don’t you “Husker” me, you son of a bitch!” Husk spat, swiping Alastor’s hand away from his shoulder. “I was about to win the whole damn pot!”

Husk stared in anger as the stacks of money and chips on the table vanished in static.

“Good to see you too!” added Alastor.

Husk face palmed. “What the fuck do you want with me this time?”

Alastor grabbed hold of him in a side hug, startling him so much that cards fell from his hands.

“My friend, I am doing some charity work, so I took it upon myself to volunteer your services! I hope that’s okay.”

Husk was taken aback. “Are you shittin’ me?!”

“Hmm. No, I don’t think so!” Alastor replied.

Husk shoved the Radio Demon off him, the latter casually dusting off his red sleeves. He puffed up his black and white fur in anger, his cat ears twitching. “You thought it would be some kind of big fuckin’ riot just to pull me outta nowhere? You think I’m some kinda fuckin’ clown?”

“Maybe,” Alastor grinned.

Audience laughter emitted from the microphone.

“I ain’t doin’ no fuckin’ charity job,” Husk protested.

Alastor appeared next to him, startling the cat. “Well I figured you would be the perfect face to man the front desk of this fine establishment.”

He pointed toward the bar stand with the staff as clapping was heard again.

“With your charming smile and welcoming energy…”

Alastor spread the corners of Husk’s mouth upward into a demonic smile of yellow teeth. Husk frowned seconds after he let go.

“…this job was made for you!”

Alastor strutted over toward the bar stand, the soles of his black shoes revealing red hoof prints as he walked.

“Don’t worry, my friend,” Alastor continued, “I can make this more welcoming…if you wish.”

With a curve of his fingers, a green bottle of cheap booze appeared on the counter.

Husk stared with wide eyes, suddenly very thirsty. He swore he could hear the sound of a slot machine.

“What, you think you can buy me with a wink and some cheap booze?!” He took the bottle in anger. “Well you can!”

He immediately guzzled it down and walked away.

“Too easy,” thought Alastor.

By this time, Charlie, Vaggie and Angela Dust had arrived to see what the commotion was about. Vaggie rushed toward the bar, furious.

“Hey, hey, hey, hey!” yelled the moth demon. “No, no bar, no alcohol. This is supposed to be a place that discourages sin! Not some kind of…brothel, man-cave!”

Angel lunged himself into her, knocking her to the floor.

“Shut up! Shut! Up! We are keeping this.” He pointed at Husk with multiple gloved fingers.

He slid up to Shell. “Hey,” he said in a flirtatious voice.

“Go fuck yourself,” Husk deadpanned, drinking his booze.

“Only if you watch me,” Angel retorted, with a sway of his butt and hips.

To make matters worse for Husk, Charlie leaned in close to him, excitement and red stars in her eyes.

“Oh my gosh! Welcome to the Happy Hotel! You are going to love it here!”

“I lost the ability to love years ago,” Husk replied, gulping down more booze.

Alastor walked in, an ever-present grin on his face.

“So, what do you think?”

Charlie ran over to him. “This is amazing!” she beamed, rubbing her cheeks. Alastor blinked rapidly in appreciation.

“It’s okay,” Vaggie grumbled from nearby, arms crossed.

Alastor laughed and pulled the two girls close to him. “This is going to be very entertaining!” His laughter was mixed with old radio sounds and static.

Alastor conjured fire in his hand…Charlie stared in wonder at the flames and the voodoo symbols. He pushed Vaggie aside and changed his attire.

He now wore a fancy red suit with a white undershirt and a black bow tie. A red top hat appeared on his head, complete with small spikes along the black band and two needles sticking out from the top. He twirled Charlie around in a dance, the princess looking stunned. Pointing his finger over her head, he transformed Charlie’s outfit. Her blonde hair was now short and wavy. She wore an elegant black and pink dress, black gloves, a pink hat with a small black bow and black heels. She looked like a dapper lady from the early 20th century. The bottom half of her dress was pink, while her round hat was mostly the same color.

Charlie stared at her conjured clothing in amazement.

Vaggie was on the floor, fuming.

Alastor picked Charlie up and threw her into the air. She yelped in delight and landed gracefully next to him. Two glowing apples and a skull with deer horns flashed in the background.

Reality had been altered to the Radio Demon’s liking. The entire room was lit in psychedelic colors. Voodoo symbols and shapes were etched in every nook and cranny, including a pair of pink claws reaching for the door. Alastor and Charlie waltzed in the spotlight as electro swing music began to play in the distance. The all-encompassing noise, though, was the signature radio-static sound.

Alastor sang his reprise to Charlie:

“You have a dream You wish to tell And it’s so laughable But hey kid, what the hell!”

Charlie found herself sliding down what was the staircase moments ago. Alastor led the way as they held hands. They landed on the lower floor as Alastor continued his reprise. Deer statues and painted antlers were everywhere.

Back at the bar stand, Husk sat looking bored. Vaggie hissed at Angel grabbing onto her shoulder, while Niffty stared in wonder. Alastor snapped his fingers and their outfits changed as well.

Angel was wearing a neon pink suit, Husk a pink bow tie, Vaggie a dark dress, with her hair now smooth and long, and finally Niffty, with a dress and a cute top hat with small flowers.

“‘Cause you’re one of a kind A charming demon belle! Now let’s give these burning fools a place to dwell (Take it, boys!)”

Alastor snapped his fingers once more and shadowy imps rose to life from a hole in the ground. The happy spirits played a trumpet, a tuba, and a drum set. Charlie snapped her fingers to the beat, while Vaggie watched with worry. She reached out to her friend but was pulled away by Alastor. He enveloped the group into a tight hug, followed by glowing images of dark spirits staring at them. While Husk, Vaggie and Angel looked on in terror, Niffty watched in amazement, like she had seen it all before.

Alastor pulled Husk and Angel close again. He rubbed Angel’s head with a white hat and went on his merry way. He pulled a strand from one of Husk’s red eyebrows. Husk flipped him the bird as he left.

Vaggie stood, annoyed in the spotlight. Using his cane, Alastor added a feathered peacock hat and a white fox fur scarf to her outfit. Then out of nowhere, he slapped her butt.

“Pompous pervert!” Vaggie thought in rage as he wondered away with a smirk. Alastor danced some more, kicking a horned skull to the side. In the background, Niffy happily swept up the bits of bone.

“Inside of every demon is a lost cause But we’ll dress ‘em up now with just a smile! (With a smile!) And we’ll chlorinate this cesspool With some old redemption flair And show these simpletons some proper class and style! (What’s in style? Oh!)”

He made his way to the circular fireplace, where he waved his staff. Shadows arrived to join the party, including a shadowy version of himself, with large antlers and fangs: Rotsala. The shadow grinned a blue grin at him, before making it disappear in a poof. He then led Charlie in an upbeat dance, spinning her around, helping her match her steps to his. Their noses almost touched. Charlie blushed when he toyed with her cheeks. As Charlie was led away, Vaggie stood in the background, horrified and disgusted. What was happening to her friend?

Charlie and Alastor laughed as they danced, the princess locked in a happy trance. She could almost see the sparkling romantic themed bubbles in the background.

“Here below the ground I’m sure you’re plan is sound! They’ll spend a little time Down at this Hazbin Ho…”

Alastor was about to finish his song, when an explosion burst apart a window behind him. The force caused the door to blow off and fly straight into little Niffty’s face, sending her flying back. “Ow! I’m okay!” she called from the distance.

“Sir Pentious Fucking Dies”

Soon the colors were back to normal and so were everyone’s outfits. The group peered out from the hole, Alastor craning his neck. The group went out onto the path and spotted a flying blimp. Sir Pentious poked his head out from an opening in the ship, fangs bared.

“Ha!” the snake inventor laughed. “Well, well, well, look who it is harboring the striped freak!” he called, mentioning to the white spider demon. “We meet again, Alastor!”

Alastor merely asked with a smug look, “Do I know you?”

Sir Pentious’ face fell before he grew angry. “Oh yes you do!” He slithered back into his seat. “And this time I have the element of…surprise!”

He pulled a lever and a cannon lowered to the ground.

“I’m so evil!” he declared with maniacal laughter as the cannon fired up.

Alastor snapped his fingers, red tendrils of smoke rising from his hand. The weapon froze in mid fire and a fiery portal opened up below the blimp. Pink smoke filled the air.

Sir Pentious looked on in shock as her Egg Bois slammed against the wall (one of them read #Ouch.) One of the eggs cracked open, spilling out yellowish brains and small organs among the stains of yok. Sir Pentious and another minion were thrown against the wall.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” he screamed before he was slammed against the ceiling by a black limb.

“Ow, that hurt!” he cried.

Sir Pentious screamed as he was forcefully dragged along the floor and lifted up slightly. He was held in place, surrounded by the wrapped up tendril. At once, the tendril shrunk and squeezed the helpless snake. The Egg Bois ran around frantically.

From the outside, more black tendrils were closing in. Red voodoo symbols appeared around the blimp.

“Ede m 'sèrviteur.”

Four horned shadowy spirits with red auras floated around, wearing toothy grins.

The tendrils were now wrapped around the entire blimp, holding it in place like thick black vines.

Red radio waves filled Alastor’s eyes as he curled his fingers inward. The sky vanished, replaced with red. Hovering red voodoo symbols appeared all around him as he altered the state of reality. Radio static consumed the air.

“Kalfu! Destriksyon pa bra nwa.”

Alastor closed his four-fingered hand which began to glow. A red drop of blood fell from his glowing hand. The tendrils proceeded to crush the blimp. Pink rays of light shot from the center and the blimp exploded in a loud BOOM!

“Well, I’m starved!” Alastor exclaimed, turning around to face the group. Who wants some jambalaya?” He spread her arms out before leading the way back to the hotel. “My mother once showed me a wonderful recipe for jambalaya! In fact, it nearly killed her!”

He laughed. “You could say the kick was straight out of Hell!” he added while laughing at his own joke. “Oh, I’m on a roll!”

The others followed him back.

Charlie and Niffty smiled while Husk, Angel, and Vaggie looked on with concern. Niffty scurried around Alastor with a look of admiration. Angel blew Husk a kiss, which earned the druggie demon a glare from the gambler. Charlie turned to Vaggie excitedly. Vaggie reluctantly went along with Charlie’s idea, even giving her a small supporting smile. As long as Charlie was happy, then Vaggie was alright, too.

From up above, the hotel looked like a mashed-up haunted house. An old dark train was perched on a balcony, with some monstrous faces carved in. A ship, reminiscent of the Titanic, was leaning upwards against the building as part of the structure. An old carousel served as part of the upper balcony and windows. Skull designs decorated the small windows in a row. Finally, on top of a giant yellow eye, was the sign “Happy Hotel” supported by pillars of worn wood.

Alastor continued, “Yes sir! This is the start of some real changes down here! The game is set! Now…”

He glanced up and pointed his finger toward the sign. Pink electricity shot out and made contact with the sign.

The sign now read “Hazbin Hotel.”

“Stay tuned,” he finished with a low sinister laugh.

Back at the crater, smoke took the faces of demons and rose into the air. Broken egg minions littered the ground. One minion rubbed his head. With a shaking arm, Sir Pentious lifted himself up from the gaping hole, fangs shattered, eye swollen.

“Now will you shoot me with your ray gun?” asked the minion.

Sir Pentious face-planted on the ground in response.

#hazbin hotel #hazbinhoteltheory

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