Terrible rushed picture on the way to work this morning but look at this bag i crocheted for my not-really-boss-but-she-is-in-charge-of-many-things-but-not-me-specifically-as-far-as-i-can-tell. She was super excited by all my bags i kept bringing and always complimented them and said she wished we had time for me to teach her to crochet, and i am just so unused to the relentlessly nice compliments that i ended up crocheting her a bag. You cant really see it but it has a white base as well. And its the closest i could get to rainbow colors (she is, as far as i can tell, the type of Ally TM who puts rainbows on everything), so it seemed a safe color scheme. Anyway when i gave it to her today she was speechless for a few seconds and then started punching the air

So, seems like a successful gift

a life update

so i have been working a lot! i’m exhausted! and bad at taking care of myself esp when busy!

 lots of stuff has been going awry in the apartment. mouse problem gets worse and worse; they’re pooping in my bed now, which i dont get bc i never have food or anything up there? i dont want them to be killed but it seems like that’s all our landlord is willing to do and at this point i dont know how else we can manage them w/ our lack of time and money and mental health. a guy came and sprayed poison behind the stove the other day i guess. but our landlord takes forever to do anything and i dont think much else will be done about the mice.

our oven still leaks gas horribly when we turn it on. our landlord wont do anything about it so we havent been using it. 

our sink still leaks too. landlord refuses to send professionals to fix it. her husband hasnt had time to come do it. 

our dryer vent needs cleaning bc we’re scared it might catch fire. i need to make calls about that tomorrow after work despite my intense phone anxiety. i hate the basement. there’s so much mold and dirt and spiders and so little light and so many places potential rapists/murderers could hide. our neighborhood isnt great so that’s a valid concern imo.

we have a new roommate. a gay guy. idk much about him idk.

i went to visit my dog last weekend (and parents, but mostly dog) and a tree almost fell on us. i wish i could move somewhere else. the people i mainly came here for have left the area/left me so the only thing keeping me is this job and being tied into a 6 month lease cuz our landlord wont let us go month to month. i am bad at making friends and those that i have tried to make havent really gone anywhere or were tied to other friends who left.

i feel like the friends i do have all actually hate me, even the ones who arent associated with the friend that i lost. i wish i knew for sure which friends actually want to be friends with me and which ones are only being polite or thinking very poorly of me bc of stuff that happened. i miss my friend and i am lonely.

i got a little of the money back (or will hopefully get it back-- i have the checks from the guy but he says the money wont all be there for a while yet) from being scammed into signing a lease with a guy who lied to us about how shitty the apartment and surrounding area we were going to live in was.  i dont really know what to do and im scared but i have no energy to be scared and i feel like im just being selfish but idk what else to do or whether or not i can trust myself to be an adult? i dont know if i even am who i think i am anymore? i hate this maybe i’ve just had the completely wrong idea about everything forever without even knowing it was wrong and i feel like no one is going to tell me and even if they do i wont know what to do about it

im torn between thinking i must need to be okay with myself and i must change myself. which is right??? i dont know! i dont even realize the things im doing wrong with people most of the time until they tell me and then i feel like a piece of shit for not realizing i was shitty?

i feel like there’s more to be said but im so tired and i cant remember and tbh prob very few if any ppl even care lol