#hate them theyre so lame losers BOTH of them | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

pan-fried-autism · 5 months

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nikolai gets fired 3: fucka da government!!!

@bowlerhatwearer if you arent on the edge of your seat while reading this im flying out to austria city or whatever to throw pebbles at your house. ok :3

nikolai and grem were sat in the court of silverport city.

"all rise for the honourable judge pratt" said some guy.

everyone stood up as chris pratt in a judge wig sat up at the fuckin. judge stand thing. idk what its called.

"alright, losers, whats the problem" he said in that classic whte guy voice

nikolye stood up, looking like a smug dickhead in his southern lawyer getup.

"Catboy and Lame-o over there are being divorced by me, and yet theyre still being married." he boomed, pointing at the duo.

"so what are we doing today?"

"what we are doing," said chris hemsworth, grem and niks lawyer, "is deciding whether they should remain gay married, get gay divorced...

... or go to JAIL."

dun dun dun!

chris pratt shrugged, saying "okay lol. now will the plaintiff come to the stand."

nikolye swaggered up to the stand.

"do you swear to tell the truth, the truth, and the truth?" asked chris(topher) walken, who had become a pig.

"no." replied nikolye.

"thats fair"

nikolye began.

"well after i fired the lame defendant from his self employed job, i remembered that hes married to the cute i mean idiot dumb catboy defendant, which reminded me of... the past."

a single tear ran down his face, but nikolye took out his custom painted Desert Eagle and pistol whipped it away. he continued.

"anyway i didnt like it, so i collaborated with the VERY HONOURABLE missoury court system to divorce them, and sent them a polite letter telling them so. however, these BUTTHEADS wouldnt listen :("

everyone went "aww :(" at evil nikolai/nikolye's sad story. except grem and nik who were flipping him off.

"now, will the catboy come to the stand?" asked chris pratt.

"i have a name ya know" grem hissed as he went up to the stand. he also pushed over christopher walken.

"your honour", grem stated, "i'd like to make it clear to the court that me and my Nik-Nik can't get gay divorced because we are not in a gay marriage. case closed."

chris pratt blinked at them. "arent you both guys?"

"uh, yeah? but just because we're men who married each other, doesnt mean it's gay."

"could you explained to the court what that means?" asked chris evans, nikolye's lawyer.

"yeah. its not gay because neither me nor nikolai is gay."

pratt just stared down at the cat, deadpanning, "... mr akdow-mewton, i dont see how all that is relevant."

"i dont see how you got cast as mario."

pratt gasped in shock! "you take that back!!!!"

Nikolai had to hold himself back from facepalming as grem argued with judge pratt.

chris hemsworth was unable to hold himself back. as he facepalmed, he whispered to nikolai, "we're fucked, bro."

eventually chris pratt started throwing a tantrum and hit grem on the head with a gavel.

"get the hell back in your seat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he yelled.

grem jumped back to his seat, where he made the rizz face @ nikolai.

chris pratt cleared his throat and dried his wet eyes before he start talking normally again.

"well, after mr akdow-mewton hurt my feewings like that, i must admit im INCREDIBLY skewed towards mr nikolye bad-dow in this case..."

grem and nik hugged each other in fear.

"... but, perhaps, the lame defendant could help?"

nik stood up and took a deep breath. he had to try,

he got up to the stand and cleared his throat and spoke,

"you're honoure.... i know this man is technically me, but that give him no right to split me and my beloved strawberry up. in fact, NOBODY but us has the right to do that. the government hates the little people trying to live their lives, and you're interfering in my relationship! me and grem have a bond that goes beyond love... beyond marriage, probably! if one goes down, THE OTHER GOES WITH HIM!!!!!"

the courtroom was silent.

then the courtroom erupted in applause.

chris pratt slammed the gavel and happily announced, "i pronouncs you two NOT GUILTY of anything!!!"

confetti rained down from the ceiling as nikolai breathed a sigh of relief. christopher walken came up to him.

"young man, for that awesome speech, i want to give you something."

in christopher walkens hands were some SICK ASS SHOES. they were red with a white band down the middle and white cuffs on top and yellow buckles onn the side. nikolai immediately put on the shoes because they were sick as hell.

evil nikolai sheepishly walked up to grem, who glared at him.

"so uh... congrats on winning the court case" he said awkwardly. "want to get a drink? ill pay of course"

before grem could gut him, nikolai punched nikolye in the face before beating the shit out of him on the courtroom floor. the courtroom sat there and clapped like that one funny scene in evan gay lion.

afterwards, nikolai picked up grem bridal style and carried him out of the court room.

------------

the next day, nik woke up feeling weird.

"hey grem, does your hair feel weird and bristly or is it just me?" he asked his husband.

.... who wasnt there.

but there was a slip of paper.

nikolai read it, and IMMEDIATELY ran out of the house, still in his boring pajamas.

the note was a ransom note... signed E.N!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#nikolai gets fired #shit post

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selamat-linting · 1 year

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parts 2 of my previous homestuck post, now on to the things i find silly!

-yaoi tournament will live free forever in my head. so as the horse cock. this is the worst thing hussie has ever done. i legit did not know it was an actual horse cock like i think it was just a giant blue dildo 😭😭😭😭

-the dancestors are really lame people like oh my god. beforus kids are giant dorks i cant believe their alternia counterparts are so badass like, take aranea and mindfang. just look at the contrast. first one is a nerd who would pay people for attention and the other is a girlboss who doesnt give a shit.

-one thing i do like from kankri is that he gave us plenty if funny karkat suffers joke. i love how this loser makes karkat do the walter white face lmaoooo he just cant get a break is he?

-and penis ouija!!! god why is he like that? everytime karkat is on screen i feel secondhand embarrassment like. i cant believe i shared classpects with this guy. why are you biting dave's cape are you in kindergarten? worst of all i think i've done something similarly embarrassing in school. thats it im changing my classpect im a knight of light from now on fuck off.

-still, thats not as horrible as rose's fuckup with her date. oh my god somebody gives her a chill pill she is going to lick herself bald like a stressed kitten. which is really funny because she and kanaya seems so... not nervous when talking to each other. you'd think their date would be a normal casual discussion between two awesome self assured girls. No its not. theyre both have gotten good at looking like theyre not close to exploding. but we all know none of them are Hinged.

-And oh, tavris they are doing you both dirty. like, its an improvement that vriska actually says something positive to him and that tavros did speak up against her at some points. but the narrative doesnt really want them to grow as a person. i think hussie has gotten too attached to vriska the unapologetic thief of light to the point that its reflecting badly on her and other's character development. okay fine i did say i wont take it seriously, but im a writer too. ofc i will notice the issues.

- this might be an unpopular opinion but i like the elevatorstuck music. gamzee is like, getting close to be my scrunkly like i know he does atrocities but he is really funny when doing it.

-the lands for the alpha kids are really fascinating. its less lively than the beta kids but im glad i actually get to experience the puzzles they have to solve on quests and its relations with the players' classpect. i want to see jane fulfilling her planets wish to be green and fertile. she gets too much shit talk from caliborn so i want to see her get a win yknow? and she's so goofy like her beta counterpart i want to see her happy and silly like egbert too.

-speaking of egbert, im kinda worried for him. can you believe it? he doesnt like con air anymore. i've been in his phase of starting to lose all joy in things i used to like and feeling lonely even with people around me and its not pretty. i know he went through a lot. i hope the experience with the dream bubble would make him happier even if just for a bit

-and another beta kids i want to be sad about: davesprite! he's so alone. all of his friends from the timeline is gone, he's not the main dave anymore and john keeps treating him like a replacement. its like he's relegated to a nobody who happens to have a recognizable face. poor guy.

-and to be sad again, i know i made fun of karkat a lot, but i have the biggest parental instinct for him. aside from terezi. he's the biggest crier out of the group. he's shouty and annoying but thats very much the kind of annoying shit that children do yknow? at first i dont like him because of his attitude to jade, but slowly i did warm up to him. he never really hated anybody and most of his tantrums are generally harmless to other people. in fact, he blames himself a lot about things that are out of his control. he's the one with the least body count from the rest of the trolls and he literally had to grew up hunted and unwanted by society. i want to give him a hug, i truly do.

-okay back to fanboying. roxy!!!! shit. man i adore that she has an aura that makes any surveillance camera blackout nearby. yes, girl, BECOME UNGOVERNABLE.

-and i cant believe im saying this, but i miss sollux. at first i was just joking about finding him interesting because he has my star sign and is good at coding but yeah. i do miss the guy. where is he really?

#homestuck #homestuck liveblog #homestuck liveread

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cdmodule · 2 years

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(OSC ask meme - IK I PICKED A BUNCH feel free not to answer all of them!!) 2, 3, 7, 13, 14, 16, 22, 36, 38, 39, 40

NO IM SO GLAD I LOVE ANSWERING SHIT I will put this under read more tho From this post

2 - Least favourite show? Already answered! (Its object terror) 3 - Underrated show? LEGENDARY ADVENTURES FOREVER ^^ Short so far, but REALLY funny stuff in that show. Some of the jokes can fall a Little Flat to me but its never anything bad LOL. GOT SOME RLY FUN CHARACTERS TOO If u have a bit of time to watch an object show Id say watch this one. Partially cuz of my Next Point (Honorable mention: ACTOE) 7 - Underrated character? Snowy LAF <3 I feel like a lotta ppl I know would like this guy. I tend to be Biased towards short high pitched voice Guys anyway (also hes gay. Like canonically. Just wanted to mention this cuz Its a Win For Me) 13 - How many characters do you think should be in an object show ideally? Something between 10 and 20 usually seems Fine to me. Anything above that kinda Crunches my brain unless Its a case like BFDI where its More Over Time Over Years but thats . Really just an exception to the rule TBH 14 - What do you care about most in an object show? Simple Answer probably but I wanna be able to tell that ppl are just Having fun and putting passion into their shows. Everything else I can Give Or take. Object shows are really just passion projects between very few ppl and should be treated as such I feel like memorable character designs could be pretty important too, this can be Tricky sometimes cuz No One Owes An Object but theres many ways to make em stick out from another Same object 16 - A show/character you love that everyone else hates? HFGHHHHH SPANGE . SPONGY. HE IS MY BABYGIRL. I would f/o him If I didnt already have two f/os. Both the show and fanbase treat him SO bad for no good reason (Him being mean after everyone bullied him is justified imo). Like Its gotten to a point where I hold back from talking abt him in servers cuz Im afraid of ppl making Annoying Uncalled for rude jokes or "well he sucks" kinda comments (yes this has happened before god fucking help me). I could go More into this but maybe thats for its Own post. Only maybe though 22 - What character has the best design?

Just two designs I quite Like cuz I cant think of other ones rn Mace the Merciless (Paper puppets take 2) cuz Im gay Love Lock (The Almost Valentinesly Object Show) cuz Im Gay AND I like the little lock mouth :) Also honorable mention: Loser <3 36 - Favourite scene? I could use one with one of my faves/fave ships but thats TOO EASY . So Ill mention the pin and coiny Pep Talk scene in bfb 6 cuz It makes me EMOTIONALLLL theyre the sweetest ever. Im sure theres other ones I like a Lot but this one just sticks with me the most 38 - Favourite rarepair? LEAFPIEEEE Leafy and Pie is a complete Crack Ship AND ALSO SNOWFRIES but both work GREAT imo. I brainrot abt these occasionally ESP SNOWBALL AND FRIES I was suprised that no one before me and nate (and sal hi sal) thought of this ship Leafy and Pie complete each other Very Well. Snowball and Fries make good Old Man Yaoi Also technically WinnerLoser is a rarepair cuz most ppl hc them as enemies or siblings LOL 39 - Favourite villain/antagonist? Four cuz I need them carnally etc (Ignoring post split cuz Its so lame how everyone just forgave him NO GET HIS ASS!!! HE SUCKS!!!!! THATS THE WHOLE APPEAL!!!!!!!!!!) I dont have time or energy to go Deeper into the Four Appeal but u can probably guess. Hes fun <3 40 - Overall thoughts on the community? I'm too old for this

#some of these i would love to go deeper into but EH #ask game #answered

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fruitcoops · 3 years

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OMG CAN YOU WRITE ABOUT COOPS SURPRISING JULIAN ON HIS BIRTHDAY? LIKE TELLING HIM THAT THEY ARE SORRY THAY CANT MAKE IT TO HIS PARTY CAUSE THEYRE SUPER BUSY BUT ACTUALLY FLYING TO WISCONSIN WITHOUT HIM KNOWING?? AND ALL OF JULIANS FRIENDS TOTALLY FANGIRLING OVER THEM??

This highkey might be one of my favorite fics I’ve ever written. I adore Julian (as you could probably tell from my header) and it’s always wonderful when I can fit him in! SW credit goes to @lumosinlove <3

It was his birthday, and Jules was…well, honestly, kind of bummed. The string of his party hat itched the underside of his chin and he picked at his cake—his mother had made it the night before, and he had been looking forward to it all day. Now, though, it just tasted bitter.

His friends skated around with bright smiles and loud laughter, racing each other around the ice with reckless abandon in some weird version of tag that looked pretty lame. Jules had really tried to have fun, but the disappointment was crushing him.

Sorry, buddy, but we’ve got a game, Remus had said over the phone three days prior. We’ll come and see you as soon as we can, though, okay?

And Jules had said ‘okay, love you’ even though he wanted to cry a little, because he was eleven and that made him a grownup. Remus had never missed his birthday before.

A heavy hand squeezed his shoulder and he looked up from his paper plate. “Hey, kiddo, why aren’t you out on the ice?” his dad asked. He was smiling, but Jules could see the concern on his face.

He shrugged and pulled his hat off. “Takin’ a break. My legs were getting tired.”

It was a lie, and a poor one, but the bummer clouds were getting thicker and his birthday cake was tacky in his mouth. “Eleven’s a big one,” his dad tried again, sitting next to him on the bench.

“Yeah.”

“And all your friends are here.”

“Yeah. I don’t want to kill their mood, but…” He pressed his lips together and licked more frosting off his fork. It was chocolate; Remus would have loved it.

“Tell you what: I’ll tell people we’re having a second round of cake, and you can help me cut it instead of sitting here all by yourself, okay? That way nobody will get bummed out.”

“Thanks, Dad.” Jules pulled his feet out of his skates and wandered over to the table with his plate, sniffling a little.

“Hey, baby,” his mom said, giving him a quick side hug. “Are you okay?”

“I miss Re.” His voice wobbled and he cleared his throat. “But he’s got a game, so—”

“He sounds like a real loser, actually,” a new voice said drily behind him. Jules froze. “I mean, not showing up to his little brother’s birthday party? Yikes.”

“Next time you see him, you should kick him in the shin,” someone else added. There was a light smacking sound and a quiet laugh.

Jules slowly turned around.

Remus’ skates hung loose from his hand as he leaned against the wall, casual as you please; next to him, Sirius was barely hiding a smile. He raised an eyebrow when Jules looked at him. “Oh, hey, Jules. Fancy seeing you here.”

“Remus,” his mother scolded, though she didn’t sound very upset at all. “You could’ve said hello like a normal person.”

“You came,” Jules blurted, still in shock. Whispers were starting to spread out on the ice. “But—but you—you came out for my birthday?”

Remus gave him his most annoying big-brother look. “Duh.”

Jules was running before his brain even caught up and he flung himself at Remus, who dropped his skates and hoisted him into the air for a tight hug. “You came,” he repeated, suddenly close to tears as he wrapped all his limbs around his brother.

“Of course I came,” Remus said quietly, holding him just as close. “Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

“I thought you had a game,” Jules sniffled, pulling back to get a good look at his face. It didn’t seem real.

“I had to make it a surprise somehow, right?” Jules punched him in the arm. “Ow!”

“I was upset!”

“Surprise?”

“Sirius, will you be my new brother?”

Sirius snorted. “Sure, Jules, that sounds great.”

“We came all the way out here just for you to replace me?” Remus asked with fake indignance, tickling Jules’ sides. “You little rat!”

“I hate you!” Jules laughed, wiggling out of his hold. Most of his friends had gathered at the boards in a clump of shock and awe—he puffed his chest out a little. Hell yeah, that’s my older brother. “Everyone, this is my brother Remus and his fiancé.”

“That’s Sirius Black,” Devin whispered, his voice cracking. Sirius waved and his jaw dropped. “Jules, that’s the Sirius Black.”

“Cool, right?” Remus flicked his ear lightly, and he stepped on his foot. “Oh, and there’s more cake if anyone wants it.”

The rest of the cake remained untouched as ten kids mobbed the newcomers; Jules perched on his bench and laced up again, grabbing his stick and sliding onto the ice once more with a smile so wide it made his cheeks hurt. Remus ditched Sirius to get his own skates on and quickly joined him, passing a spare puck over with ease.

“I didn’t think you’d come,” Jules said after a minute of short passes.

Remus’ face fell a little, all previous teasing gone. “I’ve never missed your birthday, buddy.”

“Well, yeah, but you said you had a game.” He shrugged with one shoulder and poked Remus in the thigh as he passed. “Your job kinda needs you there—”

“Jules.” He stopped short as something tugged his jersey; Remus pulled him around gently, already crouching down to his level. He looked serious in a way Jules didn’t see very often. “Hockey is never going to be more important than you, okay?”

“Okay.”

Remus gave him a look. “I need you to believe me on this one.”

“It’s your job, Re.”

“I don’t give a shit—” He wrinkled his nose in instant regret. “Don’t tell mom I said that. My job takes second priority over family. Your birthday is important to me. You are way more important to me.”

Jules’ lower lip trembled. “Okay.”

“C’mere.” Remus pulled him in for another hug and Jules scooted as close as he could. “I love you so much, Jules.”

“Love you, too, Re.”

“I’m really, really sorry for making you think I wouldn’t be here.”

“It’s alright, I’m over it. The surprise was cool as f—ow!”

Remus rolled his eyes as Jules rubbed his wounded ear. “Watch your language.”

“Fine, mom.” They pulled apart and Jules pretended not to see the dampness of Remus’ cheek that he quickly swiped away. Sirius was looking a little distressed under the onslaught of questions and gave Remus a pleading look from the bench. “I think he needs help.”

“Nah, he’s fine.” Remus grinned and blew him a kiss. Sirius pointed to something across the rink, then flipped him off as soon as Jules’ friends looked away.

Jules doubled over in laughter until a puck hit the back of his skates and nearly toppled him. He whipped around, but Remus was already skating backwards with an irritating little smile on his face. “What was that for?”

“Rule number one of hockey: don’t get distracted.”

“You little—” Jules suppressed a scream as Remus took off in the other direction, laughing at his frustration. “You can’t be mean to me on my birthday!”

“If you catch me, I’ll play goalie!” Remus called back.

Being a smart and innovative eleven-year-old, Jules found a loophole. It only took five minutes of all his friends—plus Sirius—getting in Remus’ way for him to catch up and hit the back of his knees with his stick. “I hope you brought your mouthguard,” Jules panted as they laid side-by-side on the ice, both out of breath.

Remus dissolved into laughter, and Jules wasn’t far behind. Best birthday ever, he thought as Remus clambered to his feet and headed toward the goal posts.

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lvl9thecafetorium · 5 years

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middle school squip squad hcs

(mainly the Popular Kids bc i’m writing a fic that includes them in middle school (aka jenna, brooke, chloe, rich, etc)

chloe and rich had matching red hair streaks

none of them were popular in middle school

they weren’t “losers” and they weren’t bullied, they were just kinda average middle schoolers

chloe has heelys and she wears them every day and all of her friends think they’re fuckin Rad

brooke wore uggs and had braces

rich had a lisp

the main Friend Group was jenna, brooke, chloe, rich, and madeline (jake joined later)

brooke thought every girl liked other girls (i hc her as pan)

chloe had a lot of internalized homophobia

rich thought all guys liked other dudes

madeline was a part of the friend group and after she started dating jake A Lot of drama happened and by like 8th grade chloe fuckin hated her and trash talked her all the time even though the rest of the group still wanted to be friends with her

rich wanted to be a skater kid so bad but he was Absolute Shit at it

jenna wrote harry potter fanfiction

surprisingly only jake and chloe actually read in the group so they are the only ones that understand whats happening in them

the rest of them are really confused but they read it anyways and pretend like they know whats happening and theyre like “ur doing great sweetie!! i love it!! keep up the good work!!! also whos tracy mofo”

“rich do you mean draco malfoy you absolute dingus”

“whatever!! they’re both stupid names!! anwyays i love it accept my compliment u bully”

madeline is actually french

they all used to have group hangouts at pinkberry and it became really special to them as a group but they don’t go there anymore and thats why they all love frozen yogurt and brooke always wants to go to pinkberry because she wants to go back to when times were simpler and they were happy

rich and chloe were Besties since like 2nd grade but by highschool she was like “no hes lame we’re Cool Kids now and he’s not allowed in the group” and she got rid of her red streak

rich was basically left out of everything after that, adding another reason to why he took the squp and why he was let back into the group after freshman year

chloe still has a soft spot for everyone in the group even at times when they “werent friends” (:/) which is why when brooke said “yeah jake is gross” she yelled “NO HES NOT” bc they were good pals and she liked jake

brooke said “yeah jake is gross” mostly bc chloe always trash talks him (and madeline) and she just assumed she would agree so she was confused when chloe defended jake bc chloe never told her she still liked him (platonically)

chloe is a disney nerd

chloe took one year of orchestra on the violin and it was torture

rich took band and played the fucking tuba and by 7th grade he was like “i cant do this anymore. i think im going insane. if i hear another saxophone play careless whispers im going to shove my tuba down their throat.”

he doesnt even really like jazz or band music he just thinks woodwind/brass instuments are really fuckin weird

“no, dude, listen, you put this giant metal thing and breathe in it super aggressively, and BAM.... *starts singing careless whispers really badly*”

“rich, shut the fuck up” jake responds, because its 3am, but he laughs anyways becuase... its true

jake was in chorus w brooke all thru middle school

when they went to disneyland as a chorus brooke broke the bank at the gift shop for chloe

*brooke goes into chloe’s room with 2 bags of gifts from disneyland*

chloe: “*screaming and practically tacking brooke* BROOKE!!! DID U KNOW UR MY BEST FRIEND!!! I FUCKING LOVE YOU,,, YOU’RE THE BEST,, YOU’RE TOO GOOD FOR THIS WORLD

brooke: *dying buy trying to talk normally* i know

rich owns alot of kazoos

they once made a video of all of them playing “i can show you the world” on kazoo together and it got like 3000 views and they were too proud of themselves

brooke: this is a stupid idea

rich: EXACTLY,

rich was the class clown

fav subjects

rich: science!!

brooke: english ;) (not for learning, for chloe lmaoo)

chloe: science

jake: math (hah fuckin NERD)

madeline: history (she likes making fun of the stupid pictures of historic figures in textbooks and the dumbass teacher)

jenna: history (not for learning, the teacher is fucking stupid and it’s basically a free period)

rich and jake were Best Bros in mschool and that’s why they were still really close after rich is squipless

in highschool jake is worried once rich starts changing (after rich took the squip, but jake doesnt know that) but he tries to not say anything because he’s just glad they all hang out together again

christine was friends with literally EVERYONE

she wasnt fully a part of The Friend Group but sometimes she would sit at their lunch table or hang out with them in general and they were pretty close

after the “rich is lame” incident freshman year they all drifted apart and they talked and hung out but nothing ever seemed right

to be continued!!!!

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