#had a panic attack and couldn't tell whose it was. mine or his. it should have been his but here i am anyway. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

zalrb · 10 months

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the summer i turned pretty 2x03 review -- belly is legit terrible, tho.

I'm sorry, he's the best actor on the show?

This should be angsty and painful

The tension between Conrad and Belly should be like

and Conrad should be Chuck where even if his expression is a mask, his eyes tell the real story

and Belly, your expressions are the same, your tone of voice is the same

"Man, Susannah used to have this place filled to the brim before we got here" "Mom used to have the [beds] ready before we got here" WELL YEAH. She got it ready for the summer. Did you all forget that this was an impromptu visit?

"Kick ass or whatever you're supposed to do at these things." "Your guess is as good as mine." Ma'am, aren't you a professional author? This isn't your first rodeo.

Taylor, why do you need to go to Cousins. Why do either of you need to go to Cousins. For drama that won't happen.

Lol at prom I forgot my boyfriend's ... the flower thingy you put in his suit pocket.

OK she wants to have fun at her junior prom which is valid but it's also so clear that my guy doesn't want to be there so her being like "I thought you were going to spend the night" sis, does it LOOK like he wants to spend the night?

Sooooooooo are you going to talk?

for the love of god

can i have some chair energy please?

with their very undramatic, contained version of promicide, which i don't even think is warranted tbh, conrad wasn't great here but his mother is dying, belly.

"conrad just pushes people away when he needs them the most" HE ASKED YOU TO LEAVE WITH HIM AND YOU WERE LIKE BUT PROM! Lol ok.

He told you he was worried about his mom being on new meds and you were like oh pfft, she's probably fine,

which was supposed to be trying to stay positive but comes across as dismissive. You're actually pretty bad at being there for ... anyone it seems, belly.

"i didn't have the best year" the weird/funny thing about tsitp is that they keep mentioning susannah over and over and over again and how different life is without her or how different the house is without her, like they talk about it a lot but it doesn't feel like they've actually lost her, like i don't feel like i'm watching two sons whose mother died, the grief isn't done well enough because belly is over here babbling about how she lost a volleyball captaincy when jeremiah literally lost his mother. and it's like they're saying her pain about susannah is equal to his and conrad's pain and it isn't?

"i really missed you, jere." DID YOU?

oh, how i don't care about taylor and whatshisface. skipping.

like are you frenzied to keep this house or not? because you're fucking surfing, man. like??

"we'll use our trusts to buy this house" is that enough to also pay the mortgage, is it enough for insurance, is it enough for property taxes, is it enough for repairs...? how much is this trust?

I'm just watching them at this funeral and I'm like ... when I had Buffy?

when I had FNL?

I've had conversations about users about appreciating something for what it is or liking something for what it is and I can understand that but when I've something done better, I can't help but contextualize what I'm watching with what I've watched before or what I'm watching at the same time.

You are a literally at a WAKE, Belly, this couldn't wait?

I don't care how old you are you're old enough to know better, this is RIDICULOUS. And I thought Lorelai interrupting Sookie's kid's baptism because Rory was there was horrible.

You are not NEARLY embarrassed and/or ashamed enough about how you acted here.

Oh no, she fell after telling the son of a mother who DIED to go to hell because he was resting his head on another girl's lap.

Nah, I am a grudge person, I am never speaking to her again after pulling THAT at my mother's WAKE? You are dead to me, sis.

Oh, a panic attack on the beach because he bottles everything up and doesn't let anyone help him except he kind of does and everyone knows he's upset anyway because he doesn't try to hide it, which is the thing, he should be constantly acting like everything is normal and/or he's adjusting super well and then do something like break up with Belly out of the blue because he's actually not fine and he actually is shutting her out by pretending everything's fine and does things like go to the beach to have panic attacks.

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beginner-b · 10 months

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My First Layoff

I knew the layoff was coming before the phone call. The fear of it consumed me, consumed everything that weekend in Las Vegas. We were there for a belated 30th birthday celebration.

I had been having fun before that moment, having drinks and going to shows without any care in the world. Until a text from my coworker came Saturday morning that our teams were being affected in this round of layoffs and that the cuts would come Monday. The Monday my boss had sent me a one on one. The one on one schedule for 12 PM, the dreaded layoff "witching hour."

It was me. It had to be.

Everything from that moment on felt like I was walking through a fog. Every conversation, every moment was consumed by this feeling of helplessness. I was a thousand miles away, with no way to connect with anyone, not knowing what I could do - what I should do. It was just a rumor, wasn't it? There were other people on my team more senior, with less critical accounts, whose work was below mine? Surely it would be them, not me.

"Text your boss" Someone suggested to me. "He'll tell you what's going on."

So I did. The response came six hours later, a non-answer that told me everything and nothing.

We were at a show that evening, tickets I was now regretting buying, when I heard someone in the crowd whisper loudly “Isn’t that the doctor from Grey’s Anatomy?”

I was so consumed in my phone looking at jobs that I barely registered the person 5 feet away from me. But there he was, Dr. Owen Hunt, dressed smartly in his navy blue blazer with black button-down. I imagine most people in that moment would’ve felt something related to marvel or elation, or even some manner of irritation if you were a Christina Yang fan.

Instead, in that moment, I wanted to hide. I wanted to run from this man, who didn’t know who I was, who didn’t know what I was going through, because I was ashamed.

The shame continue to consume me when Monday came, and I joined the Zoom call that confirmed what I already knew. I had a panic attack, my first in almost 10 years. My vision blurred as my left leg shook violently, a nervous tick I had developed in high school that became the only way my body would express any form of stress. I could barely hear my manager's canned speech, the same one they give to everyone. "We appreciate your time and commitment to the company" a commitment they didn't share, like a spouse sitting you down on a Monday afternoon declaring they'd filed for divorce. If companies were treated like marriages, maybe they'd owe their employees alimony in perpetuity until said employees could find another job.

The HR representative on the call sounded unsure. She also had a script she had to read to me that went over my benefits, my last day of work, and had the gall to thank me for handling myself in "such a professional manner".

I hated myself in that moment. I hated that I didn't have the luxury of acting unprofessional. That I couldn't scream, couldn't cry, couldn't show an ounce of weakness to these people who had just taken what felt like everything away from me. Something I'd worked so hard to accomplish in a very short amount of time.

The call was over quickly, no more than 10 minutes, and I didn't have time to process as I hopped into the cab to grab my flight back home. For that I'm thankful, that I didn't have to process in a public hotel lobby in front of dozens of strangers.

In an airport café, after a drink that went down too quickly, I wrote my public plea to LinkedIn that my time at the company had come to an end, and that if anyone had any leads to let me know. And then, I took a breath.

I had let the fear of the unknown consume me, consume everyone around me. Now I had the answer, and though it hurt, I had a plan, and a week to prepare myself.

Finding my footing in IT was difficult, took skills, luck, and a little bit of bending the truth, but I ended up in a role that seemed to fit me well. And then I lost it. And I'm not sure where to go next. But I'm resilient, and I'll keep track of my journey here, for anyone or no one who needs to see that you aren't alone.

#spilled thoughts #journal #layoffs

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one-abuse-survivor · 3 years

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before i start, thank you so much for doing what you do;this blog has given me good advice countless times and i really have to thank you for that.

my issues with my parents are that they don't take me seriously. i can literally go up to them and say: "mom/dad, i think i might be autistic or have ADHD (both would be quite likely) can i get that checked out" and list a bunch of examples why i think that and they'll just be "nah, that can't be, you don't seem like that at all" as of i didn't break my mind over it researching it and talking to people who have it to see if we've had similar experiences just to get some kind of reference as to why i feel the way i feel and why i struggle so much with things that so many other people find so easy.

but then, in the following weeks and months (after talking w them) they just randomly point out things about me that kinda annoy them, like me talking out of turn a LOT or me not looking at people or me having trouble focusing if there isn't also music and a movie going at the same time or mom saying that i seem hyperactive to her because i'm always moving my legs or pacing around or rubbing my hands or drumming on the table with pens. things like that (plus a lot more) were the exact things i was telling them about and they just put it off like it's nothing but as soon as it affects and annoys them it's suddenly very real. at this point i'm struggling to talk to my parents about anything even remotely more serious than generic smalltalk and i'm having a hard time believing myself that my struggles are in fact real and i'm not just making them up.

and also on a less related note; the thing i hate most about my parents: if i'm wearing headphones and couldn't understand what a parent was yelling from somewhere else in the house then it's my fault. but if it's the exact same situation but i'm the one calling and they couldn't hear me, then it's obviously my fault too (i kinda get the first one but srsly how could i not wear headphones when they're constantly arguing with my brother in the room next to mine) (either way if one of the scenarios is clearly my fault, then the other shld be clearly their fault bc that's how logic works)

hhhh, this got quite long. i would love to hear your thoughts about this

a continuation from the other ask about my parents not taking me seriously even when i ask them for help with my hardest problems. that ask didn't really go in the direction i had planned but there is so much going on between my parents and me that i really need to talk to someone about

background: i'm around 15-16 rn and have a brother who's 18. primary school was academically very easy for me (lots and lots of great and even perfect grades) but my brother didn't have it as easy (lots and lots of mediocre and meh grades) so my parents really just kinda let me do my thing while they were constantly busy with my brother. so i got really independant and did all of my stuff on my own bc a) i always had done it that way and b) my parents were already busy and stressed. but after my brother got his first computer and got into video games his grades dropped and my parents started constantly arguing with him and taking away his computer and stuff like that so there was always a lot of tension (and i got to a point where i can't handle people yelling; that's what i was referring to with the headphone thingy at the end of the last ask) i don't know if i can go that far and say that my parents kinda neglected me and my emotional needs in favour of saving my brother grades but that's pretty much the way it feels.

i'm now a sophomore (school works a bit different here but i'm the equivalent of a highschool sophomore afaik, here it's just 10th grade) and starting from about mid 8th grade (end of 2018) i've been struggling a lot with self care and upkeep of my already minimal social circle and academic stuff (i'm at the academically highest level of school you could be at my age without skipping any years) and also mental health.

i got quite depressive and started isolating myself and casting away friends and my grades went down a lot, which really disappointed me because my great grades were kind of my trademark thing. but i didn't feel safe talking to my parents because of the huge distance that we built by me "never" needing their help with stuff.

in that time (almost a year ago, our anniversary is in twenty days or so) i got a girlfriend and i'm hella glad that i can talk to her about everything but i feel like i can't just go dump trauma and parent issues on her forever

about last november or so i was at a pretty low point and was suicidal and that's kind of when i snapped and went to my parents to talk so being cast away and having my issues invalidated really really hurt then and made me spiral even deeper and my gf was the only thing keeping me afloat.

i'm kind of a bit better now but i have rebuilt my view of my parents from "idk we never really interact" to "trying to interact or talk is not worth the energy" and needless to say i don't like them that much

oh and i forgot about all the times i got panic attacks and sensory overloads @ school because there are so many people there (1700 students + 200 teachers) and it's loud everywhere and of course asking my parents for what to do if suddenly everything is too bright and too loud and you can't move or talk because of it didn't get me anywhere (and since i didn't know what it was called or how to describe it properly, i didn't really find any Information online either

and just typing this makes me think of so many more things that they did that aren't okay things to do (a lot of gender identity stuff for example because i'm also neck-deep in that) . but writing this has also helped a lot right now. thank you for being there and listening.

and just in case i'm ever gonna pop back in to say something i'm gonna drop a name for easier identifying

sincerely - 🌌 milky way anon

Hi, nonnie! Thanks for the kind words, I'm really glad my blog has been of help ❤️

I'm sorry your parents are making it hard to believe your struggles are real :( you deserve to be taken seriously and to get access to all the help you might need. Just the fact your symptoms are there and you're noticing them and they're interfering with your daily life is enough to get them checked, regardless of if you need a diagnosis/meds/anything else. No one deserves to live wondering if their struggles are worth discussing with a doctor or professional.

And you're right: if one of those things was your fault, then the other should be theirs, logically. But I don't even think it's "your fault" you didn't hear them because you were wearing headphones, to be honest. I think it's just something that happens from time to time and that doesn't warrant getting mad over; I think it's the kind of thing that simply needs to be talked about so everyone in the household knows how to communicate with everyone else without getting frustrated. It's as easy as saying "hey, whenever I put on headphones I'll just text the family group chat to let you guys know I won't hear you. If you need anything in those moments, just text me instead". I do this with my girlfriend sometimes—if we're wearing headphones and we're in the same room, we simply pat each other when we need something and wait until the other takes off their headphones to talk. It really doesn't have to be an issue where anyone is to blame. You're allowed to take steps to feel safe and comfortable in your house without getting punished for it.

But, of course, this doesn't work if the people around you choose to prioritise "being right" and proving you're wrong over a peaceful and healthy cohabitation, which is what most toxic and abusive people do.

As for your second ask, I would say if it feels like your parents neglected you and your needs because they were always focusing on your brother, then it's okay to say that they did. The fact alone that those feelings are there makes you deserving of talking about it and wanting to heal from it; the cause of those feelings doesn't have to be something major, or sound deeply traumatising when you say it out loud, in order to "count". And people whose emotional needs were consistently met don't feel like they weren't.

I've already shared this video before, but if you want some resources on identifying and healing from emotional neglect, I really recommend watching it. Please bear in mind, though, that the video says it's important to not blame parents for emotionally neglecting you, but I don't think that's the message a lot of people need to hear and I think you should allow yourself to feel angry at your parents for not meeting your needs and causing you trauma. That's pretty much the only thing I'd criticise about the video.

I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling with your grades and mental health lately, nonnie. I had a quite similar experience when I was in high school—I used to always get great grades, but my mental health and trauma put a lot of strain on them (as well as on my social life; I lost a lot of friends in those years) and it was really distressing to see the only thing that made me "worthy" crumble between my fingers like that. I'm still trying to unlearn this idea that your grades define your worth, and it's been really hard.

I'm so sorry your parents weren't there for you when you hit that low 😔 I'm glad your girlfriend could help you stay afloat in that moment, but they absolutely should've been there for you all those times you reached out to them for help with your struggles, and the fact that they didn't is emotionally neglectful of them.

I'm glad you're in a better place now ❤️ I really hope you can find out all the information you need on gender identity and sensory overload and any other issues that might be affecting you. Know that you deserve for your parents to be there for you. You shouldn't have to face any of this on your own, or even with only the support of other people your age. You deserve for them to care. You deserve to have your symptoms checked out. You deserve adult guidance to find resources to help you better understand and manage your struggles.

Sending all my virtual support your way ❤️ and happy belated anniversary to you and your girlfriend!

#Ask #milky way anon #Abuse #Abuse tw #Abusive parents #Toxic parents #Ableism tw #I'm not from the US either so I have no idea what a sophomore is hahaha #Emotional neglect tw #childhood emotional neglect #panic attacks tw #Suicidal tw

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