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bronson · 7 years

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@bloodshednesta: nesta not understanding the mating bond and running away. and cassian worrying like mad. THIS TOOK ME SO LONG AND IT’S NOT EVEN THAT LONG I AM SO SORRY OH MY GOOODDDDDD

Nesta awoke in the middle of the night with tears in her eyes. They weren’t tears of sorrow or fear or longing, they were tears of joy and contentment. She looked at the male laying beside her, his hair splayed out on his pillow, his arm across her stomach, his wings unfurled over her like a canopy. Suddenly she felt a hand clench her heart. Her love for this big bat spread over her like wildfire, fast and warm, enveloping her. She thought back to her dream: Cassian laying next to her in a field. A strand of her hair was wrapped around his finger and he tugged it a bit. She laughed. He smiled. A toddler with his tan skin and dark hair and her grey eyes jumped on her back. She picked the youngling up cradled her between them. The little girl stared up in awe at Cassian’s wings. It was a future. A future of love and family and devotion. She woke up as soon as she felt the snap.

Suddenly, the love turned bitter and her throat got constricted. She loved him too much, more than she could bear. What would she do without him? And then a more worrisome unbidden thought popped into her head. What if she wasn’t enough for him? What if she never was able to give him a family? What if she was too cold, too closed off, too scared to give him what he deserved? He deserved so much better than her. He was warm and passionate and brave, and she was just an icy coward. They couldn’t be mates. They were far from equal. He was infinitely better than her, he would save the world as she sat in her ivory tower.

So she ran.

She slipped out of bed as quietly as she could, but it helped that Cassian was a heavy sleeper. She grabbed a few clothes, nothing too extravagant, and packed them in a bag. She washed up and got ready, wearing mainly dark colors to conceal herself. Before she left the room and the House, she wrote a note to him. Telling him she had to leave and not to follow her. She didn’t dare say she loved for she knew that if she put it in writing and allowed him to read it, it would break him. And she didn’t want to hurt him. Gods, that was the last thing she wanted. But she couldn’t do this anymore. She couldn’t pretend to be someone that didn’t exist. With a final kiss to his brow, she left the room.

Cassian grumbled a bit as he woke up. The light coming in from the windows blinded him briefly when he opened his eyes. He wasn’t used to waking up late enough for the sun to already have risen. He turned to face Nesta, only to find her side of the bed was empty. His hand shot out to feel the empty space; it was cold, she had probably left a few hours ago. The bed groaned a bit as he climbed out to search the room for any evidence of her leaving. Panic rose as he realized some of her clothes were missing, as was a travel bag. But panic turned to terror when he found her note.

Cassian,

I have to go. I don’t belong in your bed and I don’t belong here.

Don’t follow me. Find someone who deserves you.

Nes.

He ran out of the room, his fist still gripping the note. His feet carried him outside and his eyes searched the area surrounding the House. His eyes burned and so did his throat.

“Nesta!”

It had been a month since anyone had seen Nesta, and most of the Gang but Cassian continued his nightly walks through Velaris. Nightly patrols was more like it. He could feel the concern growing within the Circle, but he couldn’t stop. He needed to find her. Rhys kept trying to accompany him on his missions but he wouldn’t allow it.

“I need to do this alone. I made the promise to protect her and I’m the one who loves her. It has to be me.” Rhys simply clapped his hand on Cass’s shoulder and nodded. And so Cassian continued on alone. He prowled the streets, searching in every bar and tavern, every inn and bookstore.

The one place he couldn’t go alone was the library. He decided to wait until Feyre was available to accompany him so he wouldn’t disturb the priestesses any more than necessary. They didn’t need a big brute barging in and messing with their sacred space. Feyre approached him one morning and lets him know that that day she was ready. She had also contacted the priestesses to alert them of what they were planning; they were hesitant, but eventually gave the okay. Cassian made a note to himself to thank them profusely.

He didn’t want to get his hopes up. He didn’t want to let the tension he was carrying ease even the slightest because he couldn’t let himself believe he would find her. But he also couldn’t believe she was lost forever. So he went into the library barely holding back his urge to rip the books from the shelves in order to locate her.

Before they went in, Feyre stopped him at the entrance.

“Cassian, you need to understand something before we go in.” He sighed.

“Feyre I promise I won’t touch anything--”

“No,” she interrupted him. “Something different. Don’t force her back.” She gave him a meaningful look. He swallowed. “If she doesn’t want to come back, she doesn’t have to come back. I won’t let you make her do anything she doesn’t wish to do. She may very well love you and you may very well love her, but she never asked for a mate. She never asked for this life. And I’ll let the Cauldron take me if it means I have to watch her endure any more misery.”

This was the most serious he had seen his High Lady in years. He bowed his head slightly on instinct.

“I understand.”

“Good. Now let’s find my sister.”

They entered through the large doors and tried to make quick work of searching the stacks. But quick work in an enormous library wasn’t very quick and so hours passed before they even reached the deeper shelves. Cassian was getting more and more frustrated by the minute and was finding it harder to control himself. He felt a wave of frustration come over him and took it upon himself to hide away for a moment in an alcove.

The smell of ancient books and scrolls overcame him as tears slid silently down his face. C’mon, he thought to himself, toughen up. You’ve seen some bad shit and you’re crying over this? He laughed, trying to make his eyes dry up. Nesta’s a strong woman. You of all people know how well she can handle herself. She’s fine. But a smaller voice inside of him begged the question, She may be fine without you, but what if you can’t be fine without her? A cough startled him out of his inner monologue and he quickly swept his thumbs under his eyes.

The “I apologize” he was about to offer died in his throat when he turned and saw who stood before him.

“Leave it to a territorial, overgrown bat to find me.”

#nessian #nesta x cassian #fic #one shot #nesta #cassian #acowar #acomaf #acotar #feyre

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