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amberjazmyn · 1 month

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take me back (to the night we met)

𝓲𝓶𝓪𝓰𝓲𝓷𝓮 - take me back (to the night we met)

𝔀𝓪𝓻𝓷𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓼 - young misha, crying, flashbacks, grief

𝓭𝓮𝓼𝓬𝓻𝓲𝓹𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷 - with some of the lyrics of lord huron's 'the night we met', we see misha remember the day he lost the love of his life in car accident and wishing he could go back to the night they first met.

𝓪𝓾𝓽𝓱𝓸𝓻'𝓼 𝓷𝓸𝓽𝓮 - this is an old one-shot i wrote years ago but i wanna rewrite it as i am literally struggling atm with ideas.

masterlist

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twelve months juliannah, remind me please why you got into that car...

i shudder as i rock back and forth subconsciously as i sit up in my bed. it was the same dream every single night. it's been a year since my girlfriend, juliannah, passed way due to a car crash and it was taking over my life. i couldn't even sleep or do anything without her being right there at the forefront of every single thought and feeling i had. there were days i got mad and there were days where i was sad and couldn't do anything but cry. but, today, it seemed as though i was mad because it felt like i didn't deserve to lose my girlfriend and that my girlfriend didn't deserve to die that day. it was actually her birthday today, that's why i'm probably so sad and angry because she's no longer here to celebrate it anymore.

"...misha, sweetheart, are you awake?" my mom calls out as i hum

"yes mom, i'm awake!" i grumble as mom sighs before walking into my room

"good. because we have a big day ahead of us, we..."

"...doing what?" i argue, sitting myself up in my bed as i fluff with my messy bed hair as my mom sighs again

"well, i thought because of what day it is today, that we'd go down to the cemetery to see juliannah and then visit her parents and siblings, see how they're doing and then go out for dinner together..." mom trailed off as i was shocked that mom even remembered juliannah's birthday because before now she has never remembered it

"...you...you remember juliannah's birthday?" i stammer as mom sighed again with a soft smile as she moved further into my room

"of course i have. contrary to belief, i have always remembered her birthday, you've just never noticed it and always chalked it up as me forgetting her birthday. i could never forget her birthday, she's family," mom smiled softly, her arms crossing over as tears start to well in my eyes as i smile as well and nod my head

"thanks mom...for...for remembering..." i stammer out as i try to hold back the tears as mom smiles and nods her head as she sits on my bed next to me

she grabs my hand and holds it tightly, "...we all miss her, misha but, you can't keep doing this to yourself. this is why i wanted to do this today, on juliannah's birthday so i could force you to leave the house and your bedroom because it's not healthly for you to stay in here and just wilt away to nothingness, misha..." mom also got emotional as this was clearly hurting my mom as well that i was still so devastated after juliannah's death

"...i know mom but what else is there for me to do other than rot in my bed?" i whispered softly as mom smirked as she messed up my hair even more

"live, misha. that's what juliannah would want you to be doing. so do it, learn how to love life again because you loved it..." mom trailed off as she gave me a kiss to the head and then walked out of my room, expecting that in the next five minutes i'd be out of bed and in a clean outfit for the day

and, i couldn't argue with my mom. she was right. i did love life but that was with juliannah but, i think i could relearn how to love life again without her. then, as i got up out of bed and walked over to my closet, i seemed to forget the framed photo of me and juliannah that i had placed in there as i was overcome with a memory of the both of us and i just froze...

flashback | juliannah's pov

...i giggle as i lay down on the couch in the collins' living room. misha, my boyfriend, was home in boston after doing some tv shows and commericals in los angeles and he and his brother sasha were play fighting before they had decided to move the play fighting over to me. and, their choice of attack was to tickle me.

"...ow ow, stop!" i squeal as suddenly misha or sasha, i don't even know who it was but, one of the brothers had tickled me too rough which had me squeal out in pain

"shoot, are you okay juliannah?" sasha responds, oh, it was sasha as i giggle softly, sitting up from my previous laying position

"yeah, i'm okay *giggles* don't worry about it sasha," i giggle as i notice that sasha could relax properly after i reassured him that i was alright

i then go back to lie down and mindlessly scroll through a photo album of baby misha and sasha when i groan involuntarily. i think look up to see that misha had taken his opportunity to straddle me. the photo album chucked to the side as i go up to kiss him before giggling.

"...y'all are so cute and so lucky that i took the photo on time!" misha and i suddenly hear, turning to our left we see that sasha had taken a photo with the polaroid to capture the moment of misha and i

"aw, thanks sasha!" i smile as i then push misha off of me slightly as he then proceeds to be dramatic whilst i grab the polaroid from sasha to see the photo he had taken

wasting no time, i stuck the polaroid into the photo album that i was just looking at. sure, the photo wasn't a baby photo but, it was sweet photo of one of the babies in the album.

present time | misha's pov

i smile as i stare at that specific polaroid that i had framed that juliannah had stuck in the photo album of baby photos of sasha and i all those years ago. it made me feel so much better in knowing that she didn't rip it or throw it away as she had jokingly threatened she would to my mom when she asked about how that photo had even got into the baby photo album.

"...misha? seriously honey, we're about to leave for the cemetery in like a minute. you sure you're okay?" mom calls out from the entry way of the hallway as i smile to no one and call back out

"oh...yeah..yeah, i'm okay mom. sorry, i'm getting ready now, i won't take too much longer!" i call back out as i feel like my mom knows when i'm lying and bluffing but she didn't question it any further

and that was because i didn't take much longer to get ready even though i got distracted by the photo frame i had hidden away in my wardrobe purposefully. rushing down the stairs in my washington state collegiate sweater and some nice jeans and sneakers, i met the rest of my family at the door.

of course, i got looks of worry but i just ignored them because i couldn't have my family knowing just how devastated i still was about my girlfriend's death one year on. sasha kept an eye on me during the drive to the cemetery where juliannah had been laid to rest but i just didn't want to acknowledge it, until he forced me to.

"...misha, are you sure you're okay? you've been quite this whole trip..." sasha trailed off as i huffed, resting my hand on my chin as my elbow rested on the car window of which i looked out of

"...sasha, leave your brother alone please. if he doesn't want to talk to you, he doesn't have to, alright darling? he'll talk to us when he's ready..." mom then piped up as she looked at sasha through the rear-view mirror as sasha sighed but nodded his head

respecting that i didn't want to have conversation on the drive and that i'd talk when i was ready, sasha nodded his head and turned it to look out of his window as one sister, danielle was in the front seat and elizabeth was in between sasha and i. we then arrived at the cemetery and straight away, hopping out of the car, i smiled as i recognised one of the people already at juliannah's gravestone.

it was juliannah's sister helena who i don't think i'd actually seen since juliannah's funeral two weeks after juliannah's death. she was wearing a sweet white dress with juliannah's old red bow in her hair and she looked so happy and alive whereas i was the complete opposite.

"...helena!" i mumbled as i broke away from my family and ran over to helena who met me halfway between juliannah's grave and the road where mom had parked her car

she smiled and immediately gave me a hug, "misha? what are you doing here?" she wasn't saying that in a bad way i know but it was a good question since i hadn't been here since her funeral and burial

"oh, mom suggested that because it's juliannah's birthday today that we should come down to visit her and then catch up with you guys at the house and then go out for dinner together..." i trailed off as helena smiled

"...aw, that's really sweet of your mom, misha! i'm glad you guys are here actually as i'm the only one here and looks like the only one...mom refused, dad's working so it's not really his choice or fault and the other siblings have also said they'd rather celebrate juliannah anywhere but the cemetery so..." helena trailed off as i smirked and nodded my head, understanding why one wouldn't want to be at a cemetery to celebrate a birthday

"...yeah, understandable but, it's still nice i guess to make an effort to visit..." i trail off as i realise i sound like a total arsehole since i was someone who never really made an effort until been forced to today to make an effort to visit and helena caught that too as she giggled

"...it is and, i'm glad you did make an effort cause i know it's just as hard for you as it is for the rest of us..." helena trailed off as she held my hand and started to walk the both of us closer to juliannah's gravestone

i was so scared to actually see the gravestone again but, i was glad i had helena with me as she spoke up again, "...she really loved you, misha. she was obsessed with you, totally obsessed and i think that's why it hurts so much more because she would never get the chance to marry you and have kids with you..." helena sighed as she tilted her head, looking at the photo of her sister that was etched into her marble gravestone

i became teary-eyed as i stared at the photo myself. she looked so young but that's because she was. she wasn't even in her mid-twenties, she was only twenty-two and she'll always stay as a twenty-two year old for the rest of her life. not getting the chance to grow old anymore because her life was so brutally taken away from her.

"...i remember her telling me that she wanted to marry me eventually. i just feel bad that i never got to tell her that..." i sniffled as helena held my hand tighter and held me closer as she rested her head on my shoulder

"...i'm sorry too misha. especially since it's obvious that you're still struggling and then you see me and my family and it looks like we've got our shit all sorted and it makes you feel like utter shit that you're still grieving..." helena looked at me as a tear streamed down my cheek as i nodded my head

"...it's not just your family, helena. it's mine as well, i mean, they all look put together and happy and then there's me. wearing the same sweater, jeans and sneakers with messy hair and a face that looks like it's been punched over and over again..." i mutter, trailing off as helena just pulls me in for a hug, turning me away from juliannah's gravestone as i just cry

"...and i'm so sorry we didn't notice you struggle, misha. we should've been there to help you as it's not easy to lose the love of your life this young. and it's not supposed to happen this way, you were supposed to live the rest of your lives together. you were supposed to get married and have children together and i'm so sorry you'll never get that life with juliannah." helena whispered as she held me tightly as i just continued to cry

and i didn't care if my mom and siblings were watching. i wanted them to see just how hurt i still was over juliannah's death after a year of her being gone. sure, it should make me feel slightly guilty seeing how guilty they are but, at this point, i feel like they deserve to feel bad. they deserved to know that they were at some fault for why i was still struggling.

after a while though, my tears finally stopped and we decided that we would leave the cemetery as it was clearly not the smartest idea to stay here any longer. so, because helena was dropped off at the cemetery on her dad's way to work and because we had room in the car, helena came with us in the car as we drove back to her house. we then spent the rest of the day with helena and her family for juliannah's birthday. then, we went out to juliannah's favourite restaurant for dinner and truthfully, it was lovely and it was the best way we could have celebrated juliannah's twenty-third birthday. the only thing that was obviously missing was juliannah.

i am not the only traveller who has not repaid his debt

as we travelled home after dinner with helena and juliannah's family, my heart broke once again as i couldn't help but wish juliannah was still here with us. elizabeth, who sat in the middle seat in the back of the car, held my hand, noticing that i wasn't okay. and i squeezed her hand, telling her thank you and i appreciate what she's doing to help me. ecause i think what helena said at the cemetery really stuck with them and they realised that what they thought was helpful wasn't actually helpful at all. and, it was in that moment that they knew they had to change their tactics and they did. and i was grateful for that because, if it wasn't for helena reading my mind, i don't think i could have told my family at all that what they were doing wasn't actually as helpful as they thought it was.

i've been searching for a trail to follow again. take me back to the night we met.

in all honesty, as i walked back up the stairs to my bedroom, seeing all around me how messy it was, and how i was so embarrassed about the fact that i was juliannah's boyfriend. and i say that because i was hiding all of my physical memories of juliannah's. for example, all of our photos and polaroids, they were all hidden away in cupboards and tucked away behind clothes in my wardrobe because i was scared to look at them for the fear i'd cry and unable to stop crying. and in all honesty, at the time, it seemed like a good idea but looking back now, it was the wrong thing to do. who cares if i do cry looking at the photos? it just means that i really did love and care about juliannah. and it meant that i wanted to be taken back to that first night we met.

a knock was then heard at my door, "...misha?" it was mom as i smiled

"yeah mom?" i smiled as i turned around to see mom opening my door wider

"how did it feel returning back to juliannah's gravestone? i'm sorry if it was too much..." mom trailed off as i shook my head and sat on the edge of my bed

"...don't apologise mom. at first, i will admit, it was awful but the moment i saw helena i knew i could relax and that it was all going to be okay..." i trailed off with a smile as mom relaxed and nodded her head

"...that's good well, what are you doing in here?" mom asks as she notices my cupboard and wardrobe was open as i laughed

"oh, uh, hah, i was just going to bring out all the the things i have of juliannah out of hiding and kind of display them around my room..." i trailed off as mom smiled as she nodded her head

"...that's a brilliant idea, misha. i'm guessing it was something that helena told you to do?" mom questioned with a certain look on her face as i chuckled

"what if it was helena's suggestion? she's just telling me her tips as to what helped her and what didn't," i groaned as mom held her hands up and smiled

"i'm not suggesting anything or i'm not saying anything. i'm just glad we saw helena at the cemetery before dinner actually. she seems to know a lot more on how to help you then we do and i'm glad she's suggested for you to look at the things of juliannah's that you still have of her. it's a thing that will help you..." mom trailed off as i spoke up again

"...even if it takes me back to the day we met?" i question as mom sighed and nodded her head

"even if it takes you back to the day you met, misha," mom nodded her head as i did as well as i found myself suddenly clocking onto juliannah's oversized collegiate sweater

and mom noticed it as well as she smiled, "do you want to be left alone, misha?" mom questioned as i gulped the sudden tears that had welled in my eyes and nodded my head

"uh, yes...yes please, thanks mom..." i trailed off, my voice cracking as mom nodded her head

"...alright. i love you always misha," mom whispered as she then left the room without another word and closed my door behind her

after mom left i just cried some more with my back against the wardrobe that i had seen juliannah's college sweater in as i held it and cried into it. it still smelt like juliannah's perfume since this was the sweater she was actually wearing on the day i first met her with this exact scent all over it. and now, i didn't want that scent to disappear even though i knew it eventually would. but before it could do that, i was soaking up all of the smell of my deceased girlfriend since it had felt like forever since i had last smelt the scent.

and then i can tell myself what the hell am i supposed to do and then i can tell myself not to ride along with you.

it had been a couple of weeks after juliannah's birthday and seeing helena when i was having an emotional breakdown. the worst one i had had since the day juliannah died. i didn't know what to do so the only thing i could think to do was to take mom's car and drive down to the cemetery.

i know i looked stupid to the other people in the cemetery since i was wearing my pyjamas but, i was at a loss of what to do without juliannah. so, like a crazy psycho, i started to talk to my girlfriend's gravestone as though it was a conversation and she could respond to me.

"...juliannah, what...what the hell am i supposed to do without you? i...i don't know what to do anymore..." i sobbed as i fell to my knees, the wilting flowers seemingly following me in a dance as they fold over themselves

i cry more after i get no response. of course i don't get a response, juliannah's dead and i can't do anything about it. i sit in morbid silence for what felt like hours and it probably was as it had suddenly gotten a lot colder then what it was when i first arrived. but it was peaceful and i liked that it was peaceful because of all the limited times i had been here at juliannah's grave, it had never been this calm. that was until i heard footsteps come up behind me. and i was curious as to who it was as they were getting closer and then i realised it was helena.

she was wearing one of juliannah's old sweaters and ugg boots with leggings and long white fluffy socks. which was different to the short sleeve plaid pyjamas i was wearing. with her arms crossed and a worried look on her face, she pulled me into a hug. which we stayed in for a while until she felt comfortable in letting me go.

"...what are you doing here all alone in this weather, misha?" helena asked with worry as i shrugged my shoulders as i wiped my face of the tears i had cried

"i guess...i guess i'm just confused and want an answer, helena. i don't know what to do anymore i mean, how am i supposed to live without her..." i trailed off as helena smiled and nodded her head as she grabbed my hand and sat the both of us down

"...you just do, misha. that's all you can do at this point and i'm sure juliannah wouldn't like it that you're still so stuck and not able to move on. i mean, i could help you with it and i'm sure she wouldn't mind it..." helena trailed off as she moved closer to my face as i was unsure as to what she was doing

"...what..what do you mean, helena?" i ask, moving my face away as she then realises and she pulls back as well

"oh...oh my gosh..i am so sorry misha! i didn't...i shouldn't have done that..." helena trailed off as she went to run away but i stopped her, grabbing her hand and pulled her back in

"...no, tell me helena, what were you going to do?" i questioned as helena sighed and looked at me

"i...i was going to kiss you, misha...but it...it's okay if you didn't want that or..." okay, did not think she was going to be honest but, i have to give it to her, it made me smile and not because i thought she was joking because i knew she wasn't

"...what if i was going to say yes..." i whispered as helena's eyes widened, i knew she didn't think i would have said yes to her kissing me, especially at the gravestone of her sister and my girlfriend

but, it was at this moment that helena took her shot and i allowed her too, "...then...can...can i kiss you, misha?" helena whispered as i nodded my head as we moved our faces closer to one another before our lips touched and it felt like sparks were flying in my stomach again

okay, yes, i know it's kind of weird and inappropriate to kiss the sister of your dead girlfriend only a year after her death but, technically, i didn't initiate it. and besides, juliannah did always joke that if she did die before me and her could get married that helena did have permission to pursue a relationship with me if she so chose to and she also, juliannah, gave that permission to me as well. so, i think that's what helena was trying to do? we then pulled out of the kiss and we both took in deep breaths after losing our breath during the kiss.

and helena spoke up first with worry, "was...was that a good kiss? i mean, i've never kissed anyone before and i..." before helena could continue blabbing, i pulled her back in and kissed her again

i pulled out of the kiss and smirked, "...was that a good kiss?" i teased as helena chuckled in shock and nodded her head speechless

"yeah...wow...yeah...that...that was a great kiss, misha!" she stammered out as i smiled before i grabbed her hand and walked us back to my car

since, like the first time we saw each other at the cemetery, helena had been dropped off so, i drove us back to my house. thankfully, it was kind of late so everyone in the house was either asleep or in the loungeroom so, no one battered an eyelid when i came in through the backdoor with helena with me. we then went upstairs to my room and just spent the rest of the night together. we didn't do anything sexual but, there was an element of something romantic there.

i had all and then most of you, some and now none of you

of course i was devastated that juliannah was dead. it'll always be a pain in my chest that'll never properly fade and that was okay. because, whilst i don't have her anymore, there was still a time of my life where i had all and then most of her. and then it was just some of her that i had and then, eventually, i had none of her. but, now, i was with helena and the best thing about being with helena was, i still had juliannah in my life in some strange way. because, helena is juliannah's sister and helena made sure that juliannah was never forgotten and i liked that.

whilst most people would think it was a little strange that i went from 'one sister to another', we made sure that our relationship and its foundation wasn't bound on the trauma bond of me losing my former girlfriend and helena losing her sister. because, if that was the foundation of our relationship, that's when it would have been weird and a strange thing. i was happy with helena and i think it really showed when i lived in my everyday life to the point that mom, sasha, danielle, elizabeth and helena's family started to recognise it. and, i think it was mom at first that was really rooting for me and helena's relationship because i think she knew that she and i had a profound bond that was more than just two people who had lost the same person. we had a bond that was special and a connection that in all honesty, i think was stronger than the bond that juliannah and i had and that's saying something as the bond i had with juliannah was strong.

take me back to the night we met. i don't know what i'm supposed to do, haunted by the ghost of you.

but, of course, whilst helena and i had great moments in our relationship that had nothing to do with juliannah, there were still moments where my mind was overwhelmed by smells, photos, and other things that reminded me of juliannah. but, none more so then the night we initially met. and every single time i had those moments of grief, helena would hold me as i would sob and grieve over the loss of juliannah. she wouldn't hate me for it, she wouldn't berate me for it, she'd just sit there alongside me and sometimes even cry with me if the memory was a big one or one that she had been going through as well.

"...ssh, misha. it's okay honey, just breathe," helena tried to calm me down as best as she could as i was distraught

"no...no it isn't helena! this...this was never meant to happen!" i sob in anger as helena's eyes widened as i then apologise

"i'm sorry...i...i didn't mean it like that! i just mean..."

"...i know what you mean, misha. don't apologise for juliannah's death or the fact that we fell in love...don't ever be sorry for being happy again," helena whispered as she wiped my years away and stroked my face as i nodded my head

helena and i then spent the rest of the day going back through our favourite memories of juliannah and it was fantastic. it was so helpful in helping me not only remember juliannah but that ultimately, all that juliannah wanted for me was to be happy. even if it meant i was without her but with her sister instead.

oh, take me back to the night we met.

flashback

i smiled as i looked across the college hall at the university of chicago. i was so glad i was finally at college and out of high school. because at college, i had a lot more freedom to be the misha i wanted to be. as i was looking around the college hall, i then noticed a really pretty girl who was looking at me.

she walked over to me, saying goodbye to her friends and ran over to me, "...hey, sorry to bother you but, you look familiar, do i know you from somewhere?" the girl asks as i smile in confusion and shake my head

"hey, umm, you're not bothering me at all but, i'm sorry, i don't think you know me from somewhere..." i trail off as she pouts before smiling as i giggle at her attempt to flirt

"...damn, i'm sorry. it's just i've seen those eyes before, in my dreams..." she trailed off as she realised just how creepy that sounded as i laughed, appreciating her confidence to continue

"...i'm sorry, that sounded so creepy...let's just start again...my name is juliannah, what's your name?" juliannah smiles and holds out her hand as i smile and accept the handshake

"hi juliannah, i'm misha. and, by the way, i have to give you credit for the pun, it was quite a pun to say as the first thing to someone you don't know," i giggle as does juliannah as she shakes her head, still a little bit embarrassed

"yeah, i mean, i...i wasn't sure what else to say and that was the first thing that came to mind but, it still worked..." juliannah cringed as she laughed which caused me to laugh again as we started to walk around the campus

"...so, uh, where are you from misha? you don't sound like you're from around here..." juliannah trailed off as i nodded my head

"...i'm originally from boston so it was a fourteen hour drive for me and my mom for moving day..." i trailed off as juliannah opened her mouth in shock as i nodded my head with a giggle

"...wow, that's so cool! i was born and raised here in chicago so, it was kind of a no-brainer that i'd end up studying here," juliannah shrugged her shoulders as i stared at her and nodded my head

"i mean, that's great then as it means you don't have to live here in the dorms, right?" i joked as juliannah giggled and shook her head

"oh, it means i do have to live in the dorms here," juliannah laughed as it was my turn to open my mouth in shock

"why's that?" i ask as juliannah just smiles as she explains

"my parents wanted me to have the full college experience which meant also living on campus but allowed me to come home for the weekends if i so choose to," juliannah giggled as i laughed too

"wow, that's a twist. well, do you plan to go home for the weekends? how far away are you actually from home?" i wondered as juliannah smiled

"like, a decent two hours away so, it's a nice-ish drive back home," juliannah giggled as she then waved at someone who waved at her as i smiled

"oh, okay, that's not too bad. way better than a fourteen hour cross country drive for me!" i laughed as juliannah nodded her head

"yeah. way better...anyway, what are you studying misha?" juliannah then asked as i had a textbook hidden as i giggled in embarrassment

"social theory...not very exciting and more nerdy but, i think i'd enjoy it," i shrugged as juliannah smiled at me as i showed her the textbook

"that's so cool! i don't think that's nerdy! besides, i'm studying philosphy which sounds more nerdy and a whole less exciting then social theory..." juliannah trailed off as i smiled at her

"...wow, philosphy? that's so cool, that would be amazing to study than social theory but, we move i guess," i laughed which made juliannah laugh as we just continued talking with one another

we then found out that we had an elective subject together because i totally forgot that i had a philosphy elective and, it just happened to be the same one as juliannah's. so, we actually ended up spending a lot of time together whilst at college in chicago.

present time

helena and i continued to recall our favourite memories of juliannah when she found a photo of me and juliannah. it was the first photo that had been taken of us whilst at college back in the 90s. i giggled as the photo was so old but it was a sweet photo of us as at the time, we weren't even exclusively dating at that point i think. we were just seeing each other with no strings attached. whilst it was a very sweet photo, it also brought back a lot of memories that i genuinely thought i had forgotten. like all the secret sleepovers we'd have in each others dorms since, obviously, the dorms were separated by gender but, during the times we would sneak into each other's dorm rooms, we were never caught. and, this was one of the times that juliannah had snuck into my dorm and it was just a fun night. the polaroid was then pointed at us by one of my roommates and the pose we decided to do was to flick out the rude finger to the camera and, the photo was taken. it was a photo juliannah had kept in her dorm but, i got to see it all the time since we were always in each other's rooms. the best thing was, our roommates never minded as they were also always sneaking in their boyfriends and girlfriends.

"...that's a really cute photo, misha. when was it taken?" helena asked as she showed me the photo even though i knew what the photo was before even looking at it

"thanks helena. it was taken in my dorm room at college in chicago. juliannah and i would always sneak into each other's dorm rooms and just hang out together. and one of my roommates had noticed juliannah and i just getting really touchy with each other and took out his polaroid and took a photo of us and, that's the pose we came up with. just a simple rude finger but, the memory of it is what i remember the most i think," i smiled as i tilted my head and looked at it properly and realised just how different we looked then versus what we looked that towards the 'end' of our relationship - we had grown up

"were you guys dating at this point?" helena questioned as she stared lovingly at her older sister as i smiled

"not exclusively. we were only still technically in the talking stage at that point with no strings attached but, we always found a way back to each other i guess," i sighed as i too stared lovingly at juliannah and helena was never bothered by it

"how did you guys even meet? i don't think juliannah ever told me, probably because she didn't want me to fall in love with you at the time *giggles*," helena giggled cheekily as i also laughed and shook my head

"we met during i think week two of semester one. we just both ended up catching each other's eyes and juliannah walked over to me and just started the conversation...she uh...she actually tried to flirt with me using a pun, it was an awful pun but, i found it funny and it clearly worked..." i trailed off as helena shook her head

"...what pun did she use?" helena was afraid to ask as i giggled and tilted my head as i remembered it clearly

"she said, 'hey, sorry to bother you but, you look familiar, do i know you from somewhere?' and i responded with that she wasn't bothering me but that i wasn't sure if she did know me from elsewhere and she replied with 'damn, i'm sorry. it's just i've seen those eyes before, in my dreams'..." i trailed off with a small giggle as it made me really miss juliannah as helena softened

"...oh my god, i'm so sorry that that's how you met my sister!" helena joked as i laughed

"oh, don't worry, she felt so bad afterward and apologised if it sounded creepy. but, i didn't find it creepy at all, i actually found it quite endearing that she had the confidence to come up to someone and have that be the first thing she says to them and i think i told her that as well..." i trailed off as helena and i then just sat in silence as juliannah roamed around our minds and memories for the rest of the day

when the night was full of terrors and your eyes filled with tears when you had not touched me yet. oh, take me back to the night we met.

out of nowhere, as helena and i found more photos and memories of juliannah, whether they involved me or not, the last one she found was a very sweet one. and, it was one of the last photos taken of me and juliannah. well, at least the last one on the old polaroid camera before we had to throw it away cause it broke. it wasn't our last ever photo together entirely but the last one on our very old polaroid film camera. it was a photo of juliannah and i kissing, well, almost kissing. this was just after we had finished college so we no longer had to sneak around to each others dorms. this was actually our first apartment that we shared with another couple who we were friends with and had gone to college in chicago with. and our friends had caught juliannah and i being rather cute and decided to take a photo of it on the polaroid but, because of how old it was, it didn't take the photo as we kissed but rather as juliannah was moving into the kiss. but, we didn't do a second try of the photo cause we loved the first version better and because if we tried again, it would have looked forced and it was a great candid moment taken on a broken polaroid camera that was then thrown out shortly after that photo was taken...

flashback

"...misha collins! what are you doing?!" juliannah squeals out as i giggle, i had come up from behind her and picked her up

"can't a man love on his girlfriend?!" i exasperate as the melodic giggles of my girlfriend fills my ears which makes me instantly happy

"of course you can! i'm not saying you can't, i just would like better notice of when you're going to pick me up for fuck sake, misha!" juliannah cackles as i couldn't help my own laughter as i held her tightly

as we giggled, i then had an idea, since i had come at her from behind and picked her up, i turned her around where she was facing me. she then wrapped her legs around my waist and her arms around my throat, her arms resting on my back so she didn't choke me. it was in this moment as she moved in to kiss me that our friends, mikey and sinead who were also a couple, had come home. and of course, because they were so loud, they were ruining me and juliannah's moment together but, we learnt to just ignore them and tune them out when they were loud.

it was as juliannah moved in to kiss me again that mikey decided to grab the broken old polaroid that i quite honestly needed to throw out and went to take a photo of juliannah and i kissing. and mikey was so excited to finally get a polaroid of us kissing after he had tried the entire time he and sinead have lived with juliannah and i to get one. however, he was still yet to succeed cause it was obvious once he took the photo that it hadn't taken a photo of juliannah and i kissing. which, at this point, was a regular occurence so, it didn't bother us. but, it was kind of funny to see and hear just how upset mikey was that he still couldn't get a polaroid of me and juliannah kissing.

"...did you take the photo mikey? i really need to be put down on the floor so please tell me you got the photo?!" juliannah whines as i can tell she's in pain and honestly, so am i for how long i've held her for

mikey laughs and nods his head, "yeah i did but, again, it didn't get the kiss like we hoped it did. but, it did get the moment before and it still looks all cute and coupley but, not the kiss..." he trailed off as his voice got more sadder as juliannah and i laughed and rolled our eyes

i placed juliannah back on the floor as we looked at the polaroid that mikey had taken. i smiled immediately as the photo mikey had taken was such a good photo, even though it wasn't of the kiss like originally wanted. with or without the kiss, this was a polaroid that needed to either be framed or included in the collins family photo album.

present time

helena stared at the photo of me and juliannah for a little while longer as she smiled. i could tell she felt as though she could visulise the memory of the moment of this photo being taken in the same way i could. even though she wasn't there when the photo was taken and, i could tell it was making helena emotional.

"...i'm really glad that you and juliannah were together for as long as you were, misha..." helena trailed off as she placed the polaroid back into the photo album that was now resting openly on my bookshelf as i smiled

"...i'm glad too, helena. i really did love your sister and i know she really loved me too but, don't let that stop you from allowing yourself to believe that i can't love you just because i loved your sister. because, quite frankly, the way i loved juliannah will always be different to the way i love you but that doesn't make me love you any less. if anything, it makes me love you more but in a different, more beautiful way that's only unique to you. if you're worried that i'll be stuck with the memory of juliannah then, let this be the consolation to that thought..." i trailed off as i grabbed helena's head and pushed it gently towards my face and kissed her

she was at first shocked, of course, but quickly broke out of the shock as she then moved into the kiss and became more comfortable. we then ended up falling backwards onto my bed with helena falling on top of me which made us giggle as we just made out with each other, our clothes still on and nothing else sexual. we were still finding our footing in this relationship since it was so new but, it was already so comfortable that i don't think it'd take us that long to get to the nitty gritty of an established relationship.

i had all and then most of you, some and now none of you. take me back to the night we met. i don't know what i'm supposed to do, haunted by the ghost of you. take me back to the night we met

- - -

i didn't really want to end it like this with just the lyrics at the end since it was clearly a happy ending with misha and helena, juliannah's sister, being in a relationship but, i wasn't sure how else to end it. i did think about including a new photo that kind of was a coda to misha and juliannah's first photo together with misha and helena's but i didn't do that cause i felt as though it'd come off cheesy but, lemme know if i should add that in or if i should not.

ok ily bye xx

wc; 7628

#misha collins #angst #take me back (to the night we met)#really sad #supernatural cast #young misha

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