#genuinely idk what decision to make here. its crushing me to consider having the babies terminated when theyre basically days from birth | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sugardoodle · 1 year

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I have 2 days to decide whether or not to spay my accidental new cat before she has her babies. She's like, t-minus 7ish days until birth so I have no idea what I should do. Like they might be viable at this point so it feels more like euthanizing an entire litter than just terminating a pregnancy. Like you can feel them moving and kicking if you touch her belly. I've been dying the past 3 days over this decision but I'm almost out of time.

Also if anyone thinks to berate me for allowing her to get pregnant, you can go kick rocks, because I brought her in from outside over a month ago since she was a stray and it was almost winter. She came like that so it's not my fault, and they couldn't get me in for a spay any sooner because of the high demand for the low cost clinic. It was originally scheduled for December 1st but I wasn't sure if she'd still be pregnant at that point, so they were able to get me on the cancelation list. But not as soon as I wanted and now I'm in a pickle.

I dont regret bringing her inside at all, but I do wish I'd been able to just fork over the couple hundred extra it would have cost to have her spayed at my actual vet rather than waiting for the clinic to have a spot. But now if I decide to back out and let her raise the kittens, itll cost that much anyways to have them all fixed and chipped and vaxxed and whatnot. So it didn't matter much in the end, ig? Unless I can live with myself if I make the decision to have the babies aborted. Which in humans like, your body your choice. But this cat can't make any choices so it's on ME to decide FOR her and she would probs be fine either way since she's an animal. But I'm having a problem with it so UGH what do I DO now.

#sorry to randomly vent on your dash but im so stressed out #genuinely idk what decision to make here. its crushing me to consider having the babies terminated when theyre basically days from birth #but can i afford to take care of them? like i have savings but i live month to month so im not exactly adding to it rn #and what if i cant find homes for all of them??#i live in an apartment and this second (theoretically) temporary cat is ALREADY against the lease #they probably wouldnt ever find out but what would i do if they did. idk how long id be stuck with a million cats #what if my fridge breaks and maintenance tells on me and i end up with days to rehome them or get evicted #or something idk i havent lived on my own for very long. maybe im overreacting on that point #my heart says let them live but my brain says that theres already an overpopulation problem and its more financially responsible to spay #esp since im somehow supposed to pay for next semester when i forgot to fill out the FAFSA for another loan #now THAT i cannot afford. and this would make it even worse #you are free to put opinions in the replies btw. its only fair if youve read this far already tbh

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adelfie · 3 years

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“he’s the one who has the least to gain from saving the world”

onyx equinox [also on ao3] pairings: yun/izel CW: language word count: 1858

Summary: A quiet conversation/musings between Yun and Izel while everyone is asleep.

Izel’s decision at the end of OE was cool, but there wasn’t enough content for me to predict his thought process as to how he got there. So I wrote a scene taking place before the finale to provide some insight. idk if it worked. And you bet I made the POV 3rd person limited from best boi Yun.

When Yun awakens from his sleep, it’s still night. Their group is safe asleep here -- they were lucky to find this village just a few ways off the main city, bordering a forest. Earlier, they tried to get a place in the city itself to rest, but the guards didn’t react well to Izel’s eyes.

“Freak!” one of the guards shouted, pulling out a macuahuitl and swinging it. “You’ll smite our lands if we let you in! You’ll curse anyone you look at!”

Izel gasped and stumbled backwards. “N-no, I don’t mean any harm! Please!”

Bubbling red anger pulsed through Yun’s veins at the hostile guard who looked like he was going to swing his weapon in Izel’s direction. Besides him, K’in’s hands tightened over the ball and he took a step forward. Yun was faster about it, pulling Izel back and out of the guard’s range.

“Forget it!” Yun said sharply, glaring at the man. “We’ll find somewhere else.”

The village is a godsend -- or rather, is not. Actually, anything the gods might send these days seems to come straight from the pit of cursed nightmares. The village didn’t give them any shit, which was a nice change of pace. But, as Zyanya pointed out, it’s probably solely due to the fact that Izel thought to cover his eyes this time when they asked for shelter.

Yun blinks blearily at the reeds that make up the ceiling in the small shelter and wonders what woke him up. Usually he’s out like a light until the sun comes up. He can even sleep through K’in’s loud snores. He shifts his arm from where it’s draped over his own forehead, and with the slightly larger field of vision, he sees what he might have sensed while sleeping.

And, oh.

Because Izel is sitting up on his woven mat, his slender small back against the wall. The cloth that he borrowed from Xanastaku to cover his eyes under the ruse of being blind has been pulled down to his neck, and the boy absent-mindedly rubs it as he stares down at his legs.

“Hey,” Yun says, his voice clogged with sleep-tiredness.

Izel stiffens, looking over at Yun with surprised green eyes, bright and obvious even in the dim waning moon light sprinkling through the window. For a moment, Yun is rendered speechless. They make him look so otherworldly. Yun doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to the touch of the underworld glowing in them. Sitting up, he considers Izel, looking into those eyes as if he’ll figure out all the things that torment him.

Which is, admittedly, a lot these days. In their group, it’s not like any of them have a shortage of trauma, but Izel carries so much that Yun can’t even imagine.

So he settles on, “Something on your mind?”

“Kind of,” Izel says, and looks back down. “I can’t sleep. Sorry if I was too loud.”

“Yeah, the sheer volume of your thoughts really disturbed me.” That gets a smile out of Izel, and Yun pushes away the last bits of sleep from his mind. “So. What are you thinking about?”

Izel shakes his head. “It’s nothing, it’s stupid. Besides, I don’t want to wake them up.”

He looks over at the lumps of their other companions, and Yun follows his gaze. On their respective mats, K’in, Zyanya, and Xanastaku are fast asleep.

Grinning, Yun scoots himself off his mat and over so he’s sitting closer to Izel.

“Now we can whisper.”

Izel just looks at him, blinking rapidly, like being offered kindness is something he isn’t used to. Kindness hasn’t been offered to him enough, Yun corrects himself silently, and promises to change that.

“K’in sleeps like the dead. Speak your mind, humanity’s champion.”

“I hate that.”

“Come on. You’re not doing a terrible job. Admit it to yourself. We just have what, two gates left?” Yun looks to where K’i’k rests in Izel’s belt and thinks of another thing to be optimistic about. “And hey, the big cat is letting us rest.”

Yaotl is also softer now, much as the word sounds like a crazy descriptor. Yun doesn’t say it aloud -- and certainly isn’t planning to -- but he’s noticed the way the jaguar is protective of Izel in a way that doesn’t involve shouting at him.

Izel slides his feet in, bringing his knees up to his chest.

“It still feels like he’s not telling me everything.” He shakes his head slightly. “But that’s not what I… I was actually thinking about my home.”

Yun raises his eyebrows. “Tenochtitlan?”

“Yeah. I mean, I can’t remember that much. And also Uxmal. I thought I’d… I never thought I’d go anywhere. I didn’t want to really go anywhere, not like you and K’in.” Before Yun has a chance to respond, a shadow falls over Izel’s face. “And now, moving around and not staying in one place is all I’m doing.”

It's not an unusual thought to have. Yun looks over to where his twin is sleeping while cradling their mystical ball and thinks about the place where he and K'in considered home. It's only been a few days since they left with Izel, but Oxte'tun feels like they lived there a century ago. They wanted to leave, to explore the world together before they even met Izel. But fighting for humanity was never in the plan.

He wonders what the place looks like now that its been ravaged by Mictlantecuhtli. He thinks about his favorite market, the one lady who sold delicious fruit, the ball court that he and K’in had practically grown up in, the temple. Maak.

Izel’s eyebrows are furrowed together, and Yun resists the urge to smooth the crease out with his fingers.

“And I know I’m supposed to be humanity’s champion, but I can’t help but think, why? Why me? What do you think they’re gaining from all this? I mean, sure, closing the gates is part of it, but… why should I do whatever Queztalcoatl and Tezcatlipoca want me to do? What are they trying to do?”

The boy’s voice is small, even among their whispers. His eyes are sharp, and Yun can see the wheels in Izel’s head turning and turning, like the thoughts won’t stop. It’s no wonder that he hasn’t been able to sleep.

Yun doesn’t know, because who knows what the gods are thinking? He gives Izel a wry look.

“Maybe you can just ask them.”

Izel snorts. “Yeah, let me just do that.”

They fall into a comfortable silence, each in their own thoughts. Yun watches as the smile on Izel’s face lingers before his expression slowly takes on an air of reflection. Those poor sad eyes. They look even sadder when Izel brings them back up to Yun.

“It’s a game to them, isn’t it?” Izel muses. “Humanity isn’t even that high of a stake for them.”

“There’s no rush for them like there is for us,” Yun agrees.

“So they just chose me because I’m a big joke.”

Yun can’t argue that, because as much as he sees Izel as their leader now, the moment they met he saw nothing but a skinny excuse for a boy. But so much has happened since then.

“I don’t know if… well, we don’t get to always pick the next thing that happens to us,” he struggles out.

“Yeah. It fucking sucks.”

Izel’s response doesn’t miss a beat, and Yun barks out a laugh, before remembering he has to be quiet. In the corner, he can see K’in stir before letting out a soft snore, lost in slumber. In the next mat over, Xanastaku is murmuring softly in her sleep. Closest to the wall, Zyanya is still, and Yun has no doubts that she is probably listening to their whole conversation.

“I wish they’d let me follow Nelli. They should’ve picked someone else instead.”

The words feel like a crushing blow to Yun’s lungs. Izel’s the smallest in the entire group, and although there's a very real and big fear that reflects off his face, the way anyone his age would react, there's also a stern wariness of someone older, someone who's seen and been through too much, and wants it all to be over. In a way, Yun can see why the gods picked Izel. It’s not because he’s small. It’s because he’s the one who has the least to gain from saving the world.

He’s kind of the worst prospective champion, and the gods knew that.

It’s a sick, twisted, messed up game.

“Izel… “ Yun says softly, genuinely, “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

Izel’s fingers are back to rubbing Xanastaku’s cloth around his neck.

“I hate being by myself. I’ve never… there was always Nelli.”

As Izel pauses, Yun feels the words settling into his mind. He thinks he gets it. If the roles were reverse, if what happened to Nelli happened to K’in, Yun wouldn’t -- he couldn’t --

When Izel speaks again, his voice is very near broken.

“It hurts, Yun.”

Yun closes his eyes. Leaning his head back on the wall, he tries to find the words to say. But he can’t.

Because if he didn’t have K’in.

He can’t even finish the thought. So there in the dark, Yun finds Izel’s hand and presses his palm to the back of it. His own voice is quiet. So quiet, Zyanya probably can’t pick up on it.

“I know. I’m right here.”

The silence falls over them after that. It feels like minutes later when softly Izel slumps sideways into Yun, his head coming to rest on his shoulder.

Are you tired? Yun wants to ask, but he keeps his mouth shut because looking down, he can see Izel’s eyes drooping closed. When his eyelashes finally touch his cheeks, Yun stays still and feels the weight of the boy, feels his breathing getting slower and falling into a rhythm. After a moment, Yun carefully pulls Izel into his arms, making sure not to jostle him awake as he carefully adjusts him down on his mat. Izel’s head lolls wearily to the side, but he continues to sleep.

It’s a miracle, and then K’in has to ruin it.

“Is this a stay-awake party? And I wasn’t invited?”

Yun glances over his shoulder to give his twin the K’in shut up face he’s had to use ever since they were babies. K’in has propped himself up but is too groggy to catch it.

“Shush,” Yun whispers aggressively.

“Mmph, what’s going on?” Now Xanastaku is awake, drowsily squinting from her mat.

“A party, apparently,” complains K’in.

Yun looks down at Izel in a panic, but the boy seems deep asleep. It looks like the exhaustion has caught up to him.

Zyanya has not moved once, but her voice takes command.

“Sleep, all of you.”

Nobody hesitates to comply, other than K’in shooting Yun a confused tell me later look before flopping back over. Yun settles back onto his own mat, feeling himself slipping back to sleep, but not before noticing that Izel has a tight grip on his hand, even in his sleep.

Yun doesn’t let go.

#my writing #drabble #character study #izel’s mentality/morality regarding humanity is so interesting tho

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