i have a crush on my online friend

i’ve had this online friend i met almost ten months ago, and i met him almost a month after losing my closest best friend, and all my friends. let’s just refer to him as matthew. i have anxiety and depression, and matthew has helped and still does help me cope with it. the two of us are both suicidal, selfharm, have abusive families etc. so we can relate to each other and get along extremely well. i moved schools and made new friends, but for some reason, i don’t feel the same way with them as i do with matthew, despite knowing them for only a month less than matthew. 

after being friends with him for around seven or eight months, i realized that i had a crush on him. i felt and do still feel ashamed that my first crush was on a boy i’ve never met before. and i want to clear this up now, i know for certain that he’s not a catfish. we talk through discord, and we call around every two or three days. once or twice, we’ve facecalled (both were before i realized my crush on matthew). i refuse to facecall him anymore because i get way too nervous seeing him, and i don’t like showing my face, since i’m extremely insecure about it. he sometimes uses his camera when he goes outside to show me his town (he lives in a different country to me, we live on opposite sides of the world). 

one of the things that hurts most is the fact that he used to be gay. he doesn’t want to tell me his sexuality anymore for some reason, but i worry that he’s still gay and doesn’t have any interest in me. 

almost a week ago, me, my real life friends and matthew were in a call together (my friends have discord too, and we’re all in a group chat together) and something happened, and i decided i wasn’t going to talk to him for a few days because he said something that hurt me. when he was asleep (due to different timezones), I told one of my friends INSIDE the group chat that i was taking a small break from him and she understood, since she was there when it happened. 

matthew came online later that day and he got upset, i’m assuming because he either thought i was really stupid and mad at him or he just didn’t like me anymore, and blocked me. one of my friends was able to talk to him, and he said some things that really hurt me, like “i’m upset that i became her friend. being her friend felt like a job to me” and he said one thing that really triggered my anxiety. that message made me think that he was going to hurt himself (matthew and i are trying to stop selfharming) and i had a panic attack, but my friends calmed me down. 

the next day, me and my friends were talking, then matthew suddenly joined the call, and i asked him to unblock me, and he did, thankfully. now, we’re still friends and everything is back to normal. i really don’t think i can keep my feelings for him secret anymore, but i don’t want to risk our friendship because of my selfish feelings. i also don’t want to online date, but i want to tell him SO bad. what should i do?

author note - i’m sorry for writing a fucking novel, i just think all of the details are necessary to understand my issue.

AYO

what the fuck is UP RUNE HOW YOU DOIN 

🐝 first impression: i think we both became mutuals on a whim n started postin lots of tags on each other’s art?? i legit don’t remember. all i know is that you’ve changed my fucking LIFE ever since you busted into my discord dms and started sending those precambrian goodboys  🐝truth is: rune you are SO fucking passionate about life and everything about it (and really really smart n on top of things too... you id bugs like its NOTHING and i love it) n not to mention so so full of love. i’d straight up die for you dude   🐝have you ever made me laugh: YES YES IM STILL NOT OVER THE SLUGLICKING THING!!!! i still refuse to believe that’s an actual thing that people do. im in denial 🐝best feature: your undying enthusiasm for all things big & small!! you give love to the things that deserve it the most. also i live for the conversations we have where we’re both really really excited about something!! it’s SOLIDARITY  🐝have i ever had a crush on you: dude i’ve had a big time friendcrush on you ever since we became mutuals like a year ago 🐝you’re my: resident universe enthusiast & strictly anti sluglicking / BEST best best friend!! your art slaps and your existence also slaps