#forgive me for i have shooped badly | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bcactoarts · 7 years

Photo

VENT INCOMING! More on the break!

This artwork here represents what is going on in me, and I believe it is time that I come clean here. Keep in mind I am not that good in making walls of texts. (I apologize in advance if you are unable to skip this in your mobile device.)

First off, I want to say thank you for following me and taking a look on my art gallery here. While this blog here is meant to share my art on tumblr, and as much as I do enjoy the recent artwork I have made, I do have something else going on in the past two and a half years. I have something to hide: my deviantart, my twisted motivations, and my past. I may look like a nice person, but the truth is, at the same time, I am just a bore and a degenerate.

I started this art gallery in here because I wanted to branch out my artwork onto other sites besides deviantart, and get to meet new people who would be interested in seeing my tumblr art. At first, I wanted to avoid bringing up my deviantart to hide away my old artwork, including my badly made fetish art. I admit I was ashamed of the many drawings I made back in the day, and to feel worse an art thief spammed my outdated artwork on Derpibooru without my permission, angering many people. I didn’t leave deviantart completely, I somewhat told myself that one day I can make my dA better again as soon as my art gets better.

On the bright side, I used the said incident and my deviantart as motivation to improve on my art, like a reminder that I have a long way to go and how far I have gone. However, in order to make more time, I had to ignore many of my other interests I usually enjoy. Eventually, I grew consumed to my desire to become a better artist, even to spam my improved art on Derpibooru just to prove them wrong. As I persevere for the past two and a half years, I manage to make both good artwork and some mediocre ones.

Even though I had made major improvements in my art, I couldn’t stop thinking of how my art is still not good enough. I shared my art on several communities, they get easily ignored most of the time, even if some of the art were well made.

On another note, I grew envious towards some people, I even compared myself to a certain variety of others on how their art is better than mine, especially with their good and mediocre art. Before you assume, I DO NOT compare with the more professional art.

I didn’t just compare myself and others with art, also with their social value. Social value was a critical thing for me. It is where I would feel wanted by others. I draw because it was my way to communicate than just talking. I was never was good at socializing or making conversations. I usually let my art do the talking for me. Usually, I am afraid people would find me annoying if I mention anything stupid or irrelevant out in the blue, or just standing there being awkwardly silent. I had to hold myself back in many of my interests in order to fit in. I also felt many of my ideas would be undesirable.

Speaking of socializing, I was known to be annoying and toxic in various communities both real life and online. Taking everything and jokes seriously, anger issues, and spamming memes. I was bullied a lot. Even other people were manipulated into provoking me, as well. Even with evidence, nobody would listen anyway. People were always one sided and hardly listens to the victim.

To be honest, I do enjoy memes past and present, including John Cena, Harambe, Shoop da Whoop, Gangnam Style, and Youtube Poop. Yes, I find youtube poop to be still funny even a decade later. I am also random and say a lot of stupid things, even at the inappropriate times. I did annoy people intentionally and unintentionally, even being reckless around others.

I also want to let everyone know, before I am too late to bring this up, I have committed rude and intrusive actions to select people, one being a friend of mine, in this community last year in order to receive further interaction, increase art interaction and value, and to build connections with their followers. I even took pictures of their OC plushies without permission not only to force crossovers with my former ask blog with theirs’, but also to trick them into venting because I knew these select people refuse to speak up and be honest with me. Again, one of them was a friend of mine.

The worst part, I hurt myself the most out of all this, because I kept thinking I was never good enough, I let my thoughts dwell in such negativity, and I am basically my worst enemy out of all this. Sometimes, I just really want to cry alone on my desk.

I just want to say I am deeply sorry that all of you have to see me like this, especially when I wanted to achieve selfish goals for my own benefit. If you are willing to forgive me or cheer me up, you are free to do so. On the other hand, if you wish to just unfollow me or demonize me, then I understand.

#vent

11 notes · View notes