I just read for fic for the mental health collab and I just want to say I fucking love I The Mighty and I also have a fic titled and inspired by the same song so now we are twins 🥺 also excellent job on that fic you captured the emotions so wonderfully and king being such a grounding person was really impactful.

AH thank u so much!! your natsuo fic was lovely too, made me cry a little bit ajdjf but it was so beautifully done (also side note ur casting couch getou is one of my fave getou fics omg)

and YESYES i LOVE i the mighty!! we’re twins <33

My So Called Rise Against Life

All lyrics written and owned by Rise Against

No band, not even AFI, sings the soundtrack of the last 20 years of my life like Rise Against has. I was dragged to my first Rise Against show by Emily. Emily, the suicide girl, quite possibly the hottest girl in Corpus Christi, barely 5'1 and 98 pounds soaking wet, covered in tattoos and with Angelina Jolie's lips. To this day I cannot imagine why a girl who looked like that wanted to hang with me. I had never been to a gig at that little club called The Underground where the disenfranchised youth of Corpus Christi congregated. This was the very cusp of my punk rock midlife crisis and I went in scared to death because I'd heard concerts of this nature were violent.

At this point I was already considering the decision to become straightedge. I was curious but knew little about it. The sum of my knowledge was this: two of the guys in AFI were, and the guy at the mall was. The memory of this guy never leaves me. Like a stray dog with a tennis ball, catching a welcoming scent on the air, then chasing after a passing stranger who never looked down, I chased after him and each year I spent in that fruitless pursuit felt like seven. His friendship I would never win, but he would remain on the outskirts of my life, like the brass ring I reached for again and again only to fall on my face. I would see him that night too, but I didn't know this when Em invited me out. It was billed as a hardcore show. I had no idea what hardcore was back then, I just assumed it meant a rough crowd of millitant straightedge vegans that would have a sixth sense that I wasn't one of them and chase me out the doors. Rise Against was headlining and an equally unknown band called Avenged Sevenfold was opening. I'd never heard of either. Emily wanted me to go and I wanted to get out of the house for the night so it wasn't that hard for her to twist my arm in the matter. I met her at her apartment which was filth ridden, with drug paraphernalia everywhere, a wall size Misfits poster that took up the entire SIDE of her apartment, and electric guitars propped next to skateboards. As she slipped out of her clothes and into something slinky much to my viewing pleasure, she pointed me to her freezer with a purloined bottle of tropical Schnapps from the liquor store she was working for. Toasting in miniature tea cups I downed the bright blue liquid. I remember it so well, the frost covered bottle, cold in my hand, the electric blueness pouring into what looked like a child's tea party set up. This wasn't the last drink I would take, that would come two months later, yet I remember every detail of the experience. Suited up in skimpiness, we were off to the races. We hauled ass in Emily's SUV and she sat behind the wheel, dwarfed by it's hugeness and her smallness, joint in hand, careening down the expressway and swerving around orange construction barrels. As we exited into the worst part of town I had ever seen I must have looked uneasy. She turned to me and proudly exclaimed "Don't worry, I know this place! I used to score crack here!" We walked in and the first person I saw was the straightedge boy, who was taking money at the door. It was a good sign of things to come. It would also mean I would completely ignore Avenged Sevenfold's set in s stupid quest to get his attention long enough to make conversation. But Em was a champ, she stayed with me through the whole thing. In fact, I don't remember having the guts to say a word. She talked to him, I watched him talking to her and twenty feet away M. Shadows was screaming his sexy, tattooed, egotistical lungs out but I was utterly oblivious. From there we went to the merch booth where Em bought me an Avenged Sevenfold poster that I kept for years on my wall before finally giving it away right on the cusp of actually starting to listen to them. She also bought me a Rise Against patch that is still on my Dickies bag today though it is nothing more than a mess of black thread. We wandered over to the PETA booth, watched some gruesome videos, signed up for mail and picked up a cookbook I would later use to make one of the mall kids a vegan birthday cake. Then Emily spied someone she knew and I followed her over, still looking suspiciously through the crowd sure someone was just going to come up and punch me for no apparent reason. Still following, I watched as she struck up a conversation with this cute guy in glasses. I politely listened in as they talked about how they haven't seen each other since Warped Tour. For the life of me I can't remember what they talked about. I was distracted by a guy that looked like Davey Havok. Their conversation muffled to a drone until the guy looked at his watch and said "Oh crap!! I need to be on

stage! I'll talk to after the show!" and it was at that moment I realized Emily had been talking to Joe Principe of Rise Against. This was our cue as well though there was already too much of a crowd to get near the front. There were maybe one hundred people there and Tim held every one in the palm of his hand. I was amazed. I had never heard them before in my life so I can't tell you the set list but I knew from that time on I wanted to hear more. At the end Emily and I waited at the stage to talk to Tim. I had no idea what to say so I just shook his hand and now I wish I had held on a little longer. Emily got a shirt signed and talked to him for a while. Again I was too preoccupied with the AFI look-alikes in the crowd that I wasn't paying much attention. To this day I wonder if the dude I thought looked like Davey was actually Zacky Vengeance. I'll never know for sure. Soon enough Joe was with us again and he and Emily were engaged in conversation when he turned to me and said "Did that hurt?" I had NO idea what he was talking about, I was too overwhelmed by his very presence. I actually thought he was pointing past me to the PETA booth and I stupidly sputtered "What KFC is doing to chickens?" I swear to god when I'm miserable and in need of cheering up sometimes all it takes to make me smile is thinking "Hey, Joe laughed at my joke." The night drew to an end, Emily went out with the band, and being married, I went home. Next to singing a line with Dave Peters of Throwdown, that first night with Rise Against was the best night of the last ten years of my life. The next time I would see Rise Against they would be back in Corpus, opening for Bad Religion. This happened during what I call "The Emo Dave Era". I met Dave because of Rise Against. He was a little emo boy wearing a Rise Against shirt, skipping school at the mall. I stopped him and asked him about it and well that was it, he just kept coming around. I would end up knowing him for five years and eventually hiring him to work for me. By the second time they came to town Siren Song of The Counterculture was out and I remember bragging to Dave that if it was any other band I would have just downloaded it, but for them I would actually spend my hard earned money. I remember DRINKING in the songs, trying so hard to memorize all of the tracks before the gig hit. I remember the second Rise Against gig for many reasons. It was the first gig I went to alone at a time I was in the grip of panic attacks whenever I had to be in wide open spaces by myself. Two of my "mall daughters" met me at the gates and stayed with me the whole night. I remember that. I remember Dave hitting the merch table before me and buying me Rise Against stickers that I regarded like they were jewels and kept them in some special place until I hid them so well I hid them from myself. Dave and I and the girls were in the front row together, and sadly none of them I am in contact with now. Not only that, but Dave and one of the girls I was up front with would end up working for me and stealing over $1300 from my business during their tenure as my employees. Years from knowing this though we happily stood side by side and sang along for the whole set. What I remember most about that second gig was standing in front of Joe and when he sang "Single file like soldiers on a mission." I saluted him and he saluted back. Tim was wearing the exact same shirt he wore at the first gig but I was probably the only one to notice it. And when Tim asked "Who was here at our first gig when only 20 people showed up?" I proudly raised my hand. All the memorizing I did was pretty much for naught because I was so excited to be in the front row I damn near forgot every word to every song, but for some reason I knew every word to 1,000 Good Intentions. The first Rise Against show was in August, I can't tell you the date of the second one. I made my commitment to becoming straightedge sometime between December and January. I don't know the exact date because I was so scared about the whole

thing I kept it to myself "You're the new revolution The angst filled adolescent You fit the stereotype well..."

.All I know for sure was that I'd been edge several months by the second Rise Against gig at Concrete Street in Corpus. he second Rise Against gig also brings to mind another phantom of my past: a girl I was close to named Amanda (not the Amanda I went to Warped Tour w/, that Amanda I've always called Di because her screen name was Dionysus). This was Amanda's first night aout after being kidnapped and raped. Her parents were druggies and didn't want the cops involved so the guys who did it just got away with it and I'd see them at the mall all the time afterward and I couldn't do shit. It was her and her big sister who met me at the gates and stayed with me all night. I loved those girls. . . . Again, digressing. From First To Last opened and we spent the whole set talking about how much they looked like AFI. I ended up leaving the gig early, going to the house of one of them who still lived with his folks, ringing the doorbell and leaving a note in the mail box that said 'YOUR SON RAPES LITTLE GIRLS----just thought you should know'. It didn't really help anything but it made me feel better. During this mindlessly courageous time I was blinded by my commitment. I jumped into being edge with a fervor reserved for things like joining the Hari Krishnas or Jehovah's Witnesses. It was a complete make over of every idea I'd ever held. I didn't know a great deal but once I found it, I knew it was all I had been looking for. The only other person I actually knew who was edge was the straightedge boy, who now had become god-like in my mind. He was the first face of straightedge for me, the ideal, the standard, the one thing I felt I had to live up to. Sadly, by this time he was long gone, moving away from the mall where we worked and on to better things. This fact only drove me forward in a Holy Grail level quest to find him. When he was there I was terrified of speaking to him and then when he wasn't I kicked myself for not having the courage. I was sure that if I did make my way to him, he could impart some knowledge, some advice that would make my whole solitary experience make sense. The soundtrack of that quest was Blood to Bleed: "Steps I take in your footsteps Aren't getting me closer to what is left of the dreams of what I once claimed to know Within my bones this resonates...." Within weeks of each other three amazing things happened: Ceci, my best friend Amanda(Dionysus) and I went to Warped Tour to see AFI and in the process saw Rise Against as well. Then The Sufferer and the Witness came out, and at the same time Jadey and Ceci came to visit me in Corpus for quite possibly the most idyllic summer of my life. It was that summer we saw Rise Against for the third time. At that Warped Tour again we were in front of Joe, and again when Tim sang "Single file like soldiers on a mission... " we saluted Joe and he saluted us back and it was like a little piece of heaven fell to earth, the moment was so perfect. The set was

short because it was Warped Tour but we didn't care. We were together, we loved each other and we sang along with every song we knew. Sufferer and Witness came out in July right in time for Warped Tour and the girls coming down for a visit. I remember this so well because I had a cd of the straightedge boy's band and it seemed so important for me to play it for Jadey and Ceci. Do you remember that line in The Lost Boys: "Now you know what we are, now you know what you are." ? That was how it felt for me, this romanticized notion that my edge was not my own and it was all owing and belonged to someone else. I wanted to be able to trace it like a family tree to say, if I had not met him I would not have found out about AFI, I would not have made my committment, we would have never met, so therefore the life and friendship we have shared has all traced back to THIS. Well, they weren't all that impressed. I have a very clear memory of us being outside the Sonic Drive In and Jadey asking me "Please turn that noise off and put in something else." That something else was the The Sufferer And The Witnessand it stayed in the player for the rest of the trip. Ready To Fall was the song that defined the next year, much later, that I made my edge my own. In my journey I had looked to so many others for advice or reassurance or validation. I did this because I didn't believe in myself. I thought I was weak and sought in others what would make me strong. Sometimes I received it, like messages sent back and forth the guys in Throwdown and the near religious experience of seeing them live all the times I have, of singing a line with Dave, shaking his hand. Most of the time though my search was in vain. I remember very clearly seeking out help online. One guy told me I would never know who I was until I went to a hardcore show. This wasn't exactly bad advice, hardcore shows had the most amazing energy flowing through them and it did feel good to be surrounded by like minded people. The only thing I really learned about myself through going to hardcore shows was that if God had wanted me to hardcore dance, He would not have given me boobs. There was another guy who told me only the most insecure person would EVER wear a straightedge shirt out in public and if you were sincere about it, you'd keep it to yourself. I thought that guy was nuts. The whole POINT of being edge to me was proving I was not like the idiots around me. "With your eyes Glazed and half-smiled Explain to me the details of your God-given right You point your finger In my face but You can't remember what you did last night" I asked another guy what to do if I was tempted to drink again and he told me if I was tempted I was never really straightedge to begin with and I should just do the scene a favor and kill myself already. Then there were the kids that thought I was just the bees knees and were coming to ME for advice. I had no idea what to tell these kids, but I wasn't about to tell them not to wear sXe gear or kill themselves. Because of my own search for answers I refused to turn any kid away. One day they were telling me I was their hero and begging for advice, the next they were telling me I was out of my mind and to get lost. It took a good four years before I learned not to believe them in either case. "This could be my great awakening But how would I know when it's all noise to me? Are these words falling on deaf ears?" Right in the middle of this I had the good fortune to meet a guy named Chris X from Philly. He neither worshipped nor ignored me. He was simply THERE. I have the most vivid memory of this one morning. I had the same dream about the straightedge boy only this time I stepped out and stopped him and asked him if the hormones levels in milk made people more aggressive the way steroids did and asked if I should stop drinking it. Why this popped into my head I will never know. As usual the alarm rang before the blurry form opened his mouth and imparted wisdom. I woke up at 5 am and suddenly HAD to know

the answer to the question. It happened that Chris X was up too. I contacted him and he took the time out of his morning to discuss this with me completely out of the blue. I don't know why this sticks out in my memory but it does: Him being up at five am and taking an hour out of his morning to answer some moronic question from a girl he didn't know and being so nice about it. He is still edge, we are still friends and he is still there when I need him. He is the exception to the rule. Friends fell away and I remained steadfast, yet alone. Slowly though there came the time when I realized I needed to look no further than in the mirror. It wasn't like this was a new thing. I was told this many times and yet I never believed it. Right about this time Rise Against released Ready To Fall: "But here in this moment like the eye of the storm It all came clear to me I found a shoulder to lean on An infallible reason to live all by itself I took one last look from the heights that I once loved And then I ran like hell" The heights I once loved were ego driven, the compulsion to wear a straightedge shirt every day and X's for every gig and dare anyone to tell me otherwise. It was that romanticized notion of my edge,--that it hadn't been mine and all I was, was owed to someone else. It was as if I believed someone had physically stood between me and a fridge full of alcohol that first year and kept me from it. Or that someone had been there to comfort me when my husband was drunk or in a bad mood and was calling me names or throwing me around because I dared come home with a book of Marxist writing or simply did not shut up and go along or renounce my beliefs. I healed myself, I comforted myself and I did almost all of it completely alone. It was slow in dawning but it finally came to me that I was the only one I had to inspire or impress, and my own approval was all I needed. This revelation was scored by every track on Sufferer and Witness. The fourth time I saw Rise Against, I met Ceci in Austin to see them at Stubb's. Stubb's BBQ is a grand place to see any band because if you get there early enough, you can have lunch on the balcony while watching the band's sound check. We found this out the first time we went there, seeing The Rollins Band open up for X. Going to the Rise Against show I told myself "It's not big deal, I've seen them three times before, I'm just going to kick back and eat and enjoy the sound check" but as soon as Tim and Joe took the stage I could barely consume a thing I was so overwhelmed. As we waited in line after lunch for the doors to reopen, I met Ceci's brother Jordan who is, wildly enough, still my friend. Jordan. He hovers on the edges of my life, always there with a kind word whether I actually deserved it or not. He is the only good thing to come out of my friendship with Ceci. Evergreen Terrace opened that show and we were right in front of the guy in the Straightedge Soldier tshirt and that and a brilliant cover of "Mad World" was all I remembered of their set. Circa Survive came on next and Ceci and I took turns booing them and flipping them off. Not that they were necessarily bad, but we were in no mood to entertain the mopey emo set at that point. Soon we were all piled together up front, again in front of Joe. I didn't get to salute him at that gig. Ceci's arms were too tightly around me. Ceci, her girlfriend Grace, Jordan and my husband were tangled in a sea of arms, so tightly that I wasn't sure of whose hand I was holding most of the night. Though by that time I was perfectly comfortable in my commitment, Blood to Bleed still only reminded me of one person and Ceci knew this. I felt she understood me then, I felt she was one of the very few who knew me best. Beside me was my husband, but in my heart was a dream of someone else, of someone who shared my commitment and my ideals, a dream of an idea more than a person, the perfect guy/relationship/life I would never have. Two months later I would find out my husband was seeing a girl from work

that had got him hooked on heroin. Two months later he would come to where I worked and attack me in front of multiple witnesses and when called, the police would do nothing. Two months later I would sit sobbing in the back of a police car because I was too afraid to go into my own apartment and get my things. When responding to my call the enormous officer would glare down at me and say "Why are you afraid to walk in your own home? Are you on drugs or are you just retarded?" Instead of accompanying me inside to get my things they would search me for drugs. Two months later I would realize why Henry Rollins hated cops so much. Two months later. after ten years together, I would leave my husband. I did not know any of this then. All I knew was that in that instant my heart was bleeding inside of me for want of some friendship I would never have, the one thing I believed would make my life complete. It was that friendship, that idea of a person, of perfection, of everything I wanted myself and my life to be, that seemed like the holy grail of the second part of my life. Looking back, maybe it held value only because it was unobtainable. I had not yet learned to find it in myself so I sought it so furiously in a stranger. So, with the ridiculously angelic vision of the first straightedge boy I ever met in my head, and my unfaithful husband beside me, in that crowd at Stubb's, Rise Against tore into Blood To Bleed. It was our first time to hear it live together as they had not played it at Warped Tour. Ceci looked down at me, wrapped her arms around me and held me tight because she knew exactly who I was thinking of and why. As she held on to me with one hand and ran a hand through my hair, we both screamed out those lyrics that had haunted me and driven me on for years. "This place rings with echos of lives once lived, but now are lost Times spent wondering about tomorrow I don't care if we lose it all tonight Up in flames, burning bright.... Within my bones this resonates Boiling blood will circulate Could you tell me again what you did this for?" And just like I was blind to what was about to erupt with my husband I was just as blind to time bomb ticking inside of Ceci that would turn her into a complete stranger the next time we met, at the very same place it would turn out. Had I known that this was the last time she would hold my hand and sing with me and look down on me with love and empathy in her eyes, I would not have wasted my sorrow in grieving for a friendship that never was and instead would have known to grieve for the real friendship I was losing. I should have grieved for hers, but in retrospect, it was no more real than the idea of the one I chased after so fruitlessly. "I don't love you anymore is all I remember you telling me never have I felt so cold But I've no more blood to bleed Cuz my heart has been draining into the sea...." And the strange footnote to that day, that time, that moment of hope and loss and all that was to come is this: Even though his friendship I never actually earned, in his status of a wise, polite stranger, that straightedge boy I never really knew was far more civil than Ceci. His responses, however short they were, however long it took to get them, were genuine. It is such a small thing, his honesty, yet it is more than I can say for ninety percent of the people I've known in the last several years. Another song we sang together that night was Prayer of the Refugee. I had no idea then but that song was about to describe my life. "We are the angry and desperate The hungry and the cold We are the ones who kept quiet and always did what we were told But we've been sweating while you slept so calm in the safety of your homes We've been pulling at the nails that hold up everything you own."

The split with my husband was brutal. First I had to deal with police that didn't care, who told me at one point "Well, if he tries to kill you, call us back, otherwise there's nothing we can do. He's your husband and he has the same right to live here as you do." Thanks to the police not doing anything, I was thrown out of the apartment I had paid for for ten years. The battered women's shelter was full and I would have found myself homeless had it not been for my friend Lilo. Suddenly I was having to start from scratch and then, upon finding a place, having to pack up ten years worth of my life and move it all by myself. "I hit the ground and I'm still running but I need a place to stay tonight I swear I'll be gone in the morning I just need some place warm to close my eyes." Every day I worked until the afternoon, went home and packed until 2 am, fell asleep until 5 am and then got up and did it all again. Then once I was packed I had to move it all. I can't remember why I didn't ask for help but I moved it all alone except for the bed, entertainment center and tv. "The drones all slave away They're working overtime They serve a faceless queen They never question why Disciples of a god That neither lives nor breathes But we've got bills to pay Yeah we've got mouths to feed I won't go back..." This was such a strange time. There was no way to hide what was going on: my husband came to where I worked and jumped me in front of everyone there, I had to tell my boss "My husband kicked me out and I'm homeless at the moment, could I possibly get my check a day or two early to put a deposit down on an apartment?" and I had to own up to the fact that I was straightedge and my husband was a heroin addict. "We're broken but still breathing We are wounded but we are healing We pick up right where we left off Breathe on the ashes that remain So that these coals may become fire To guide our way.." This made my life suddenly seem a really bad B movie. There was nothing to do but go on. I would have asked myself "What would that straightedge guy do in this situation?" if I'd had any idea. Instead I asked "What would Dave Peters of Throwdown do?" and of course the obvious answer was "punch something". As much as I wanted to, I couldn't do that. However, I knew for sure what he wouldn't do and that was curl up in a ball and cry. So I didn't do that either. It was a such horrible time and yet when I look back all I remember is my own strength and the exhilaration I felt when I finally left. "So give me the drug Keep me alive Give me what's left of my life Don't let me go... Pull this plug, let me breathe On my own, I'm finally free..."

Lilo and Di swore I looked great, like I had suddenly gotten 10 years younger. They said I was glowing, but unless I had come in contact with radium I certainly didn't see how. I remember thinking "Well hell, maybe the Socialists were right. Maybe 16 hour days are the way to salvation." "Wake me up inside Tell me there's a reason To take another step To get up off my knees and, Follow this path of most resistance. And where ever it takes us, Whatever it faces and wherever it leads" As I came into my own power, the straightedge boy who had loomed so god-like over the first years of my commitment shrank back down to human size. Deep down I still hoped that if he was to know of all I had gone through he would be a little proud of me for surviving with my integrity intact. But if he didn't, well that was okay too. Survive I did, survive I continue to. "Somewhere between happy, and total fucking wreck Feet sometimes on solid ground, sometimes at the edge To spend your waking moments, simply killing time Is to give up on your hopes and dreams, to give up on your... Life for you, has been less than kind So take a number, stand in line We've all been sorry, we've all been hurt But how we survive, is what makes us who we are" When I had my own place and my own life again, to celebrate I bought myself a Christmas present: a tattoo of a sparrow carrying brass knuckles in her beak. It reminded me of this lyric that had been echoing in my head the whole time: "And if strength was born from heartbreak Then mountains I could move If walls could speak I pray that they would tell me what to do." I enjoyed more than six months of solitude in my cozy little apartment on Airline. I filled my weekends with walks on the beach, solitary shopping excursions for meatless dinners, and nights were spent at the House of Rock and the Underground watching bands, enjoying the freedom of staying out without getting yelled at or called names. I spent Christmas alone on Lilo's floor stuffing myself with processed cheeseballs and watching movies. It was my first UnChristmas. The Jehovah's Witnesses would have been proud! "Warm yourself by the fire, son, And the morning will come soon. I’ll tell you stories of a better time, In a place that we once knew. Before we packed our bags And left all this behind us in the dust, We had a place that we could call home, And a life no one could touch."

But I am flawed and cowed and crippled by the Christian concept of forgiveness. And by the time I would be seeing Rise Against again, my husband would be back by my side. In West Texas his mom had ran him through the MHMR system, let them start him on 7 different drugs, ---including three different tranquilizers and pills for hallucinations and seizures, which he never once had,--- used him to get on welfare, disability, and Medicare. Once he's served the purpose, she called a friend in the sheriff's department and had him pulled from her house, drugged out of his mind on meds at the time, and stuck on a bus to Corpus Christi. The Glasscock County Sherriff's Department called me at work to TELL me "Your husband is on a bus to Corpus, he'll be there at two am. He's your responsibility now." On the bus, because of his state of stupor, he was robbed of everything but his clothes and as much as I wanted to just shove him into the closest homeless shelter, I couldn't. Had it been me, as unlikely as that would be, I would want someone to have compassion. "We are the children you reject and disregard These aching cries come from the bottom of our hearts You can't disown us now, we are your own flesh and blood And we don't disappear just because your eyes are shut" I took him in. At first it was easy. Thanks to the drugs he was sleeping 18 hours a day. Finally I started to investigate what they had him on, what he could do without and how to get him back to normal. I'm not sure how I did it, but I weened him off of every drug he was on. At first it was out of necessity since I was making too much money for him to stay on state sponsored help and he'd have run out eventually. Looking back though, had he sustained that amount of drug intake for long he would have probably died. So he was back for good and conversely Ceci and Jadey and nearly every other friend I had at the time would have turned their backs on me and flocked to other, cooler individuals. All those kids that convinced me they would have killed themselves, starved themselves, cut themselves to shreds, OD'ed, etc had they not met me, who all imposed their problems and lives on mine for five years or more and took up every spare moment of my time and every inch of my heart all turned 18 at once. In turning 18 they realized they knew it all and I was no longer worth their time. "And if you think your words will ever make a difference Think again and carry on..." My husband and I are still together, but all those friends are long gone. I wish I could say he gave up all his demons, but he didn't. He simply traded the big ones for a myriad of lesser evils. He will never be straightedge. And though he claims to be proud of me, to this day he is convinced, utterly falsely, I am hiding some secret affair with the straightedge boy from years ago. I sat him down one day and asked "Do you get that we are straightedge? Do you get that in being straightedge we could not possibly cheat on our significant others and remain straightedge? Do you get that no matter how much he influenced me I barely knew him and he barely gave me the time of day? Do you get that what you are accusing me of is utterly impossible?”

Despite his insistence on this, the idea doesn't bother him enough for him to give up his own addictions and become edge himself. He no longer asks me to change and he is no longer violent, thank god. I no longer ask him to change, though I pray every day he will. We have been together for twenty years now and I have never been with anyone else. This doesn't keep me from dreaming of some nice sXe man who shares my ideals. But I think of it much like I imagine racing on the autobahn, knowing it will never actually happen and knowing I’d never do it even if I could. "We live on front porches and swing life away We get by just fine here on minimum wage If love is a labor I'll slave til the end..." Things in my life settled down for a bit as we prepared to see the boys again at Stubb's BBQ. Through myspace I found my friend Linda that I had not spoken to in fifteen years. As we sat on the balcony at Stubb's I kept one eye on the stage and the other on the door waiting to see her again. When she walked through the doors it was like the last fifteen years never even happened and instantly we picked up right where we left off and again were tearing through Austin with her at the wheel like we had so many times in the past. Because of this joyful reunion I was not first in line when the doors opened, I was buying rainbow necklaces in the gay shops in town and snickering over whether the guy behind the counter was flirting with my husband or not. - That was a strange memory for me, being in the very back of the audience for once, singing alone as Aaron sat on a rock and read a Robert Jordan novel. I was happy to be there, the music was incredible, but the feeling was all wrong. I was isolated and alone, in the back row with my fist raised and Aaron tugging at my arm every other song asking "What song is this? Do I know this one?". I wondered if Ceci was there in the front row, holding on to someone else and convincing them she would have killed herself if they hadn't come into her life. I imagined others in the front row, in our place, saluting Joe, singing our songs while I was the interloper that did not belong anymore. We walked out of the sold out show before the encore, a long drive home facing us. Aaron never lets me stay for the encores. He always wants to hit the road. As we walked to the car, with Worth Dying For wafting through the air above us, I blew a kiss to the wind and told Ceci goodbye. "Feel me rise in the strength I've found inside the warm embracing air Like a glacier melting watch me dissipate I searched for love in an empty world but all I found was hate" It was the lyrics of Rise Against that echoed in my head when I sat down to read the words of Marx and Lenin for the first time as a whole other world opened up for me. It was Rise Against that drove me on as I worked sixty hour weeks. "We're losing daylight but I can't work any faster Under the veil of dust we go on..." Their lyrics saw me through every major event of the last several years of my life. Appeal to Reason was released in the Fall of 2008 and though the year found me miserably poor and unemployed, I still bought it the day it came out. It was on my mp3 player and as I sat in the welfare office applying for food stamps I would hear the lyrics "Despite these petty fortunes we still can't afford a life...." for the first time and I would pause a moment just for the whole zeitgeist effect of it. For Christmas of 2008 I received an email from Ceci after a year and a half of ignoring my every attempt at contacting her. I had tried everything, even terribly childish measures to get some kind of reaction but every letter---first polite, then angry, then groveling-- every call, email, and package was met with silence. A year and a half passed and then I got the email saying "I got the new Rise Against and it made me realize how much I loved and missed you and loved AFI and I want to be friends again. I know you can't forgive me but can we be friends again? There's this song on that new Rise Against that

reminds me of you." True to the bond we had once held there was certainly a song on the new Rise Against that reminded me of us too: "Identities assume us as nine and five add up Synchronizing watches To the seconds that we lost I looked up and saw you I know that you saw me We froze but for a moment In empathy I brought down the sky for you but all you did was shrug" This was exactly what happened the last time we saw each other when she turned up her nose and pretended not to know who I was, just a week after sending me a letter saying how much she loved me. This led to the year plus of her not speaking to and ignoring all attempts at contact I made, even the immature ones. "And if you see me please just walk on by Walk on by Forget my name and I'll forget it too Failed attempts at living simple lives Simple lives Always keep me coming back to you." But too much time had passed and although that Christian weakness crippled me so with my husband, for once I stood strong and had no trouble in keeping the door to my heart shut. I told her not to contact me again. "I count the times that I've been sorry Now my compassion slowly drowns If there's a time these walls could guard you Then let that time be right now."

That doesn't mean that my mind does not still light to her like a bee to a flower, the years we were friends, that feeling of love and camaraderie and the bond I imagined we had. The last three Rise Against albums play the soundtrack of our friendship whenever I turn them on. When I play Appeal to Reason I wonder if this song reminds her of me:

"It kills me not to know this but I've all but just forgotten what the color of her eyes were and her scars or how she got them" If I close my eyes I am there again in that Port Aransas condo, the night we met face to face after talking online for so long. We are huddled together in the bedroom sharing the earphones of a cd player listening to Placebo's Sleeping With Ghosts. I am pulling down the zipper of my boot and showing her three freshly razored X's cut into my ankle, the blood still stuck to a wad of tissue pressed between my sock and skin. She is crying and wrapping her arms around me and telling me she understands everything and that someday she will show me her scars too. "I'll show you mine If you'll show me yours first Let's compare scars I'll tell you whose is worse Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words..." She never did show me her scars. I wonder now if she even had any. There are lots of songs that transport me back then when she was my world. But now I know nothing about her nor anyone else I knew then was real and I wonder if that song ever reminds her of me and the way she led me to believe I was her lifeline, right up until the moment she cut me off and forgot me like a favorite toy after adolescence destroys the need for such playthings. "As the telling signs of age rain down a single tear is dropping through the valleys of an aging face that this world has forgotten ..." This is the music that accompanied my feet hitting the pavement of park sidewalks and treadmills, it is the melodies that buoyed me through endless work weeks and settled into the recesses of my heart in times of quiet contemplation. As I read words written years ago by writers we were never allowed to study in school, it is the soundtrack that played in my mind when those concepts began to make sense. When I read Ten Days that Shook the World by John Reed, what I was hearing in my head was

"but these ghosts come alive like water and wine walk through these streets singing songs and carrying signs, to them these streets belong.." As I struggled to understand the Communist Manifesto I was thinking to myself: "Unknowing, we lie and wait for the rain To wash away what they have made Face down in the dirt with your foot on my back In the distance I hear thunder crack C'mon Stand up! This system of power and privilege is about to come to an end Here come the clouds The first drop is falling down" I look back at many things and laugh. I remember when I was first looking for straightedge shirts I came upon one that said SUPPORT LEFTIST HARDCORE. I had no earthly idea what it meant and was way too scared to ask anyone. Now I can quote Trotsky. When I first turned edge I stopped eating meat for several months until my husband found out and started calling me a Communist. At the time it seemed like the worst thing in the world to be called. He still calls me a Communist but now with laughable results. I'll cock my head, say something to him in Russian, he'll mumble under his breath 'Yeah you only say that because you've had sex with the entire Communist party!", I'll roll my eyes and we go back to our common denominators of movie quotes, comic books, and making fun of people. I always loved the way the Russian alphabet looked and shortly after we were married I got a tramp stamp with his initials in Russian. He now claims it actually means "Welcome aboard, Comrade." I just laugh and we kid each other and life goes on. In the great Holy Grail of a search for wisdom that I thought could only come from the first straightedge boy I knew, I had one great fear: what if I found him again and he was no longer edge? I was terrified of this, sure that if he fell I would too, that if that touchstone was gone, all would be lost. This no longer worries me. I would be sad if it happened, but it would not affect my journey nor cause me to stumble because I have found my own way. It was hard way full of work, trial and error and pure blind luck. Maybe it would have been easier if things had gone differently and yet it is all mine and no one else's.

I have now seen Rise Against eight times each with its own small dramas, like when I was working for Job Corps, worked an 18 hour day, literally passed out in my car from low blood sugar and exhaustion—luckily before I had started the engine. I somehow made it home, downed two peanut butter sandwiches and went to the show where I had no energy to dance, but just stood there and sang.

The last show was the best in years for me. I was in the second row behind a little boy and his mom. His mom was my age and it was her son’s first concert. He was there to see NOFX. They put on an incredible show and I did my best to keep the crowd off the kid. As a reward, the mother gave me their spot and they went to the back when Rise Against came on. I had not been in the front row since that show with Ceci. I felt like I was twenty again. Rise Against is the music that scores ALL of this in my memory. It is the sound of hope and loss, of new directions and ideas, of the brass ring becoming just another small cog in the great, silent machinations of my soul. It is the music of discovering that the strength of the world lies inside my own heart. It is the sound of me walking away from what I loved, it is the joyous noise of friends you're certain is lost forever coming back to you. This is my so-called Rise Against life

"I’ll give you something to believe in, I’d rather fail than never try"

:: Solo ::

The sound of my mobile phone buzzing against the hardwood of the bedside table, caused me to jump and pull from my sleeping slumber. Barely able to open my eyes, I reached over to grab my phone. A groan surpassed my lips and my hand moved to pinch the bridge of my nose. My eyes squeezed shut. I tried to figure out where I was, actually who I was. Sometimes I even forgot who I am and what my own name was. My head was banging and I could feel the vein in my forehead pulsating like a bitch.

The sound of my own blood rushing through my system was heightened in my ear in the silence of the room. Wiping the sleep from my eyes, and peeking open an eye. I punched in my passcode and groaned as my phones backscreen came to life, almost blinding me.

“Ah, shit!”

Another groan came as I placed the phone, screen down onto my chest. Using the balls of both my hands, I pressed them into my eye sockets. I needed painkillers and a shower to even attempt to wake me. Taking in a heavy sharp breath, eventually taking my hands away from my face. My surroundings slowly began to come into focus.

“What the f…….”

This wasn’t my apartment, nor my bed. I had yet again woken up in a hotel room. At least it wasn’t a gutter. That was kinda one of my worst fears. Being so blind drunk and ending up in a gutter. I had done some crazy ass shit over the years. One time while on tour with my band ‘The Shadow Side’, I was so wasted while on stage, that I thought it was a good idea to jump from the stage to another platform. Completely misjudging the distance, I landed nose first into the railing, breaking my nose, and cracking four ribs. But I had so much alcohol in my system, that it completely numbed my nerve receptors that I continued the performance despite of that.

So the fact I was actually in a bed and it was only my head that was pounding. I was taking this as a complete ass win. Even if it wasn’t the most brightest idea I have ever had. I felt a heavy weight finally across my stomach and raised the covers. I was naked. Fucking score. Way to go Ethan. We know what you did last night. An arm, which wasn’t mine laid across my stomach. Turning up my nose, I turned my head slowly to see the mass of red hair covering the girls face. I couldn’t even remember coming back with her, let alone her name or even what she looked like. Classy Ethan. She wasn’t the first, nor would she be the last of one of my rebellious indiscretions and I was going to need to slip out before she even woke up. Hopefully.

Picking up my phone from my chest, I used the other to gingerly take her wrist, I lifted her arm up off of me and slipped out of the bed, it wasn’t until I was perfectly free from the bed, I placed her hand down slowly. Cringing when I heard a slight moan. My body freezing as I waited to see if she is going to wake up. She doesn’t and I breathe a sigh of relief. Looking around the bedroom. It slowly came to me that we were in a hotel room. Thank fuck for that. I could escape easily and never have to worry about seeing her again, whoever ‘she’ was.

Grabbing my boxers and pulling them on, I did the same with my jeans. Slipping my phone into my pocket. I would wait until I got outside to see who had tried contacting me, I didn’t have time to hang around here and I was really in need of painkillers and a shower. Finding my shirt and pulling it on, I made sure I was wearing all my necklaces, rope and bead bracelets, I didn’t want to be leaving anything behind for her.

Sitting on a nearby chair, pulling on my socks and boots, I did the laces loosely. Before pushing myself up and looking around for my jacket. Spotting it near the door, amongst the girls clothes, I snatched it up and shrugged it on. Checking the pockets for my keys and wallet, which thankfully were there. I did the most disgusting thing I had to always do after nights like this. It wasn’t pleasant nor something that I enjoyed doing, but it had become a necessity since these one night stands would do anything these days for money and fame.

Grabbing the bin liner from the hotel bin beside the bed. I tied it into a knot and shoved it into my pocket for now to dispose of when I was clear from the hotel. Wherever the hotel was of course. I had an apartment in New York I shared with my childhood best friend Chelsea. We had known each other since we were six. We both grew up in London, England. To somewhat middle class parents. We lived next door to each other and have been inseparable ever since. Chelsea like to give the impression she was an innocent and naive woman, but she wasn’t. She could drink, eat and kick ass like the best of them.

I have always been into music, and she was always there for the ride. So when we were sixteen, we moved from London to LA with my band, The Shadow Side to try and make it big or even try and make it. After two long years of living in and out of vans, sleeping rough and taking shitty jobs so we could pay to eat. We were finally signed to a label and we hit it big, quickly. Maybe too quickly. None of us would quite handle the shit that was going down. We were massive on the alternative metal scene, and able to live comfortably, but we weren’t rich and famous. Even now, nearly a decade on.

But we were selling sold out shows around the world, we were touring every other year. I went off and did a solo project for a year and now we were back full force as a band. We all moved to New York to get away from the large press and media of LA who was following us around and documenting every mistake the band made. We were trying to clean up our image somewhat, but the moment we got back on tour, shit went out of the window. We were currently recording and writing our sixth studio, my seventh if you include the solo project and things were going well. That just meant tour and that was where we shook hands with the devil and shit got crazy.

Chelsea was our tour manager. She did the organising and made sure everyone had their shit together before we took to the stage. You didn’t want to mess with her and her schedule, because she would drop kick your ass into next week. She was feisty and took zero shit from anyone. I backed her 100%, and no one got away with disrespecting her. Ever. But we lived together. The amount of social media comments on that was crazy. Two people of the opposite sex couldn’t be just friends. It made us chuckle mind. It wasn’t anyone’s business and we stopped defending our friendship a long ass time ago.

So now, with a trash bag with last nights condoms in my pocket, I slipped from the hotel room and closed the door silently behind me. As I walked down the hallway to the elevator, I ran my hand through my hair, puffing out my cheeks. As I waited for the elevator to come, there was a maids cart, so I took the opportunity to dump the trash bag discreetly and shove my hands in my leather jacket. When the doors to the elevator opened. I stepped inside and hit the ground floor button. Resting my head back against the glass mirror. Trying to push the throbbing pain in my head away. It was blurring my concentration. Opening my eyes slowly I remembered my phone message and pulled my phone from my pocket. The doors opened and I stepped out.

Palming my phone as I went to the check out desk. I gave over my details and explained someone was still in the room. I paid with my credit card and shoved it back in my wallet, and into my pocket, peering over at the guy as he checked me out.

“Don’t suppose you have any painkillers?”

He looked me over once before smiling.

“Certainly sir”

I shuddered. ‘sir’ I was twenty-seven. I wasn’t that damn old. Pulling my shades from my pocket and putting them on. I clearly looked like utter shit. I felt like shit. I would say I am never drinking again but that was a complete lie, once this headache went I would be back to my old self again. When he came back with the painkillers and a bottle of water, I took them from him and thanked him. Heading outside, I looked around. I noticed we weren’t far from the bar I attended last night. I knew it was where I was without even having to remember. It was the same bar that Chelsea and I, along with the other band members frequented.

Taking the painkillers and knocking it back with water. I hailed down a cab and got in the back. Giving over my address and settling back. I finally got around to reading the text message. I had a few missed calls from Chelsea, along with Sam, Jamie and Declan, the other guys in the band. I wasn’t surprised by those, and would listen to the voice messages later. Going to my messages, there were loads. I skipped over most of them, really not in the mind space to read them. It was Chelsea’s messages I did open and there were around ten, all starting from three am this morning. Shit. It was the last message that made me chuckle.

“You better be dead or dying asshole because I am going to kill you when you get home”

Aww the love from my best friend. Beautiful. She worried about me and because I hadn’t contacted her, she didn’t know if I had lived out my worst fear and died in a gutter somewhere. I debated on replying but I didn’t. I would give her the satisfaction of killing me when I strolled through the door at 7:30am. I would never take her berating of me away from her. Especially since I needed to be in the studio this afternoon with the guys. Smiling amused to myself, I closed my eyes and rested my head back. Just waiting for the headache to pass now, and get home and shower.

Csuapr 39? Continued

Called to his mother’s quarters, Keith glared at all those he passed as they stared at his dishevelled state. His eyes were red from crying. He was so tired of fighting with his husband. The words he tried to say always came out wrong, or were twisted by jealousy. Hearing Lance laugh like that... He wanted to be the one to make him that happy. He’d spent the morning choosing what blankets to have on their bed, making sure it was properly made, comfortable and safe for his husband... then Lance had tried to bath Kosmo. He trusted his husband, but why couldn’t he see how dangerous it could have been. Had Lance been alone and slipped or had a seizure... anything could have happened. All he wanted was Lance by his side, where he couldn’t vanish or leave him behind. His fears of being abandoned by his lover were twisting him into something he didn’t want to be. Lance wanted his husband back... and Keith wanted... He wanted to stop fighting. He wanted to stop these possessive “instincts” that kept fucking things up in his head from preventing him fucking things up. Shiro hadn’t been impressed, though being Shiro, he could see both sides of the argument. Both of them wanted Lance in a safe environment, but their individual differences of the definition of that environment was like comparing apples and oranges. A safe environment to him was not Lance in a soaked bathroom, clutching his stomach. His husband may have been laughing, yet Keith could smell the pain Lance wasn’t showing. He didn’t want to be the kind of man who had to know every tick of his husbands day. He didn’t want to limit Lance’s actions... but he was so fucking scared. He didn’t know how to work this out. He didn’t have the right words... obviously. He wanted Lance, what he’d been through didn’t matter. Well, it did. It mattered when Lance was having a panic attack, or screaming his lungs out as he came out of a bad nightmare. It mattered when the past robbed Lance of his future. But at the same time, it didn’t matter. Yes, Lance has changed, but so had he. They weren’t the same people they’d been when they were Paladins. He accepted the broken parts, even if he hated them, and didn’t blame him for using whatever coping mechanisms he’d needed just to get through the day. Yet everything he said came across as an insult to Lance. Daehra assisting in synthesising Lance’s medication was for Lance’s sake. His medication was on file, and a sample had been taken before it’d been destroyed. The lab technicians could have easily synthesised another dose. Yet he knew Lance wouldn’t trust that. He’d planned for it to be done before collecting his husband, but time had run over. It felt as if everything he tried to do to make Lance happier was cursed to backfire. Somehow the flywheel of his self control had slipped, leaving him spiralling into this ball of petty rage. Reaching his mother’s quarters, his eyes grew damp as his hand shook. His fist paused midair as he was torn between knocking, or punching the wall beside the door until he’d broken it. His mother obviously knew he was coming, as she’d messaged him that Lance had safety reached her. The door sliding open to reveal his mother, her angered expression turned to open arms as he found himself gathered into her hold, his bottom lip quivering as he clutched at her shirt “M-mum... I fucked up again... I don’t think... I’m not... I’m not ok” Hushing him softly, his mother then nodded “He’s here and he’s sleeping. I heard you had a fight, but he was more worried about you than himself. I think we need to have a talk” Nodding, Keith didn’t move to move, not a few long moments before pulling back and sniffling “Please... can I see him? See that he’s here?” “Here, come with me” Krolia briefly showed him Lance’s sleeping form. His husband sleeping on the chaise in her “sitting” room, a thick blanket covering his sleeping form. Leading him back through her quarters, his nose was assaulted by Kolivan’s scent as they sat on her bed. Keith wiping his face as they sat opposite each other with their legs crossed. His mother holding a small yellow package she must have picked up as they’d walked. His mind had been on Lance, not really caring where they ended up for this talk. Sniffling again, he wiped his nose on his sleeve “I’m sorry...” “I know you are. Lance knows you are too. He wanted to leave at first, but almost as soon as he’d said that, he was saying he couldn’t leave you over such a stupid fight” “I keep fucking up and I don’t know how to stop” Krolia snorted lightly, Keith supposing he deserved it “Keith, we all make mistakes. Lance has been telling me that you’re struggling. He didn’t want to break your confidence in him, only that he was worried that you’ve been struggling with your feelings. He explained a little about these instincts you’re both feeling, on top of everything else. He’s worried you’re not taking care of yourself or putting yourself first when you need to” “He’s my priority” Keith didn’t even need to think about the automatic answer, his mother sighing at him “He can be your priority, but you can’t live his life. He knows you want to protect him, then gets scared when you blow up at him. Since he’s been here, it’s been full on for both of you, and he worries you’re not doing enough of the things you like. He feels like he’s taking up all your time and you’re having no time for anything else” “Of course I haven’t been doing anything else. He got attacked right away” “But you stopped eating when he was in the infirmary. You didn’t leave his side, not even to shower” “That’s because...” “Because what? No matter what you tell me, I love you. I want to understand” Keith clenched his fists, staring down at his legs “I’m scared if I take my eyes off him... that he’s going to disappear and never come back. Dad didn’t come back... and you... you weren’t there either... I don’t want to be left behind again. I don’t want to fight with him... but I don’t want to lose him because I wasn’t there when he needed me. He could have been hurt today. He could have slipped. He could have had a seizure. I spent... I made sure everything would be how he’d like it. I wanted it to be perfect... but then I come back and he’s laughing with Shiro. I can’t remember when I made him laugh like that. You should have seen him. The wrinkles in the corner of his eyes as laughed so hard his face was red. We keep fighting. I keep saying the wrong thing... but how do I keep him safe? Everyone is moving on... so why am I still stuck? We spent phoebs away from each other, so why can’t we make it work when we’re back together? I don’t know what to do. I don’t own him. He’s not my possession, so why do I get so mad when anyone gets near him? I don’t want him to leave me... I don’t want him to go away. He said... he said he would if I fucked up again, but half the time I don’t know how I did” Keith’s words hung between them, Krolia taking a moment before holding the package she’d grabbed out to him “I’m sorry I wasn’t there. I’m sorry I was there when your father died. Lance knows being part of a family is hard for you. He asked me for a favour, scared of upsetting me as he did. These are my memories. You saw them on the space whale, but you barely have anything to remember him by. Leaving you two was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I left to keep you safe... and I left because I believed that one day we’d find each other again. Seeing his death. Feeling your pain. It broke part of me. I can’t forgive myself for the pain you went through, but I can tell you all couples fight. I know you’re scared. I know you don’t know how to be a parent, but no parent ever really does. All we can do is try our best... He loved you. The day you were born... he was so worried, but the moment he held you... He loved you, and he lives on in you. Lance wants your children to know him. I want you to know him, and I’m sure in his last words and thoughts, he was sorry to be leaving you. I might not know your fears and pain, but I’m your mother. I love you. I am proud of you. You’ve grown into a courage young man, who loves so deeply that you can’t even think straight. Neither of you want to keep fighting. Lance doesn’t want to leave. All he wants is for you to live your life and put yourself first from time to time. He wants you to trust that he doesn’t want to go back to how things were. He wants a relationship where you both trust each other, and in each other. Loving someone doesn’t mean binding them to you. It means loving them through all the ups and downs as you work out life together. If you’re struggling, you can come to me. If you want to go to Altea and see your councillor, I’m happy to have Lance’s help around here. He’s had his medical issues for a while, and he’s trying to adjust to them. He was rambling, but he did clearly say that he left the bathroom when the floor was wet because he didn’t want to chance things. He’s trying to make the choices that are right, but he’s also under a lot of pressure. His hormones are telling him one thing, his body another, and his lover lives in constant fear... but above all, he feels lonely when you don’t tell him how you feel. If I could give you both leave I would, but unfortunately this tour must happen” “He doesn’t want to go... he’s only going for us” “Because he loves you. He’s strong. I seem to remember his birthday is coming up?” Keith nodded, taking the yellow package from his mother “3 movements” “Why don’t you take him out? I’m not sure if it’s a surprise or not, but he’s booked a scan on Altea on the day. Why not make a whole day of it” “Shiro wants to throw a baby shower. He wants to get Hunk and Lance talking again. Lance said he didn’t want to celebrate his birthday, but we agreed on going to dinner” Krolia’s eyes lit up at “baby shower”, his mother’s scheming mind already racing with the idea, skipping the “dinner” part of the conversation “A baby shower... He’d like that” Frowning at his mother, that was the second time he’d been told that “I don’t think he wants the fuss” “It’s not “fuss”, it’s his friends and family being there with him. I think it’s a great idea. It doesn’t have to be a surprise, if his nerves can’t take it. But having the acceptance of everyone is something he needs. I’m going to have to call Shiro” “He’s not comfortable with the pregnancy” “He’s young and he’s wondering if he’s done the right thing. We talked a fair bit about it before the Gala. He didn’t know what was normal and not. It’s one thing to be on the supporting side of the pregnancy and another to be the one carrying. Do you two need anything? He mentioned you’d been shopping” When things had been better. Easier. Uncomplicated by his jealousy and Lance was freed of the burden of being anyone but himself “Shiro asked me the same thing... maybe something for Lance instead of the twins? I wish I knew what happened to his wedding ring” “We’ve searched and haven’t been able to find it. I wouldn’t hold out on you if we had. I know how much it means to both of you. I love you both, don’t forget that. You don’t have to keep trying to do everything alone. The attack on Lance was an attack on all of us. More cameras have been installed across the palace, and we haven’t given up on finding who was behind it. Kolivan’s livid about it all. He must have watched and rewatched that video a thousand times by now. He might not say it, but you’ve become a son to him. Lance has impressed him, not only with his skills but with his sharp mind. He’s fond of both of you. Do you want to sit with him? I understand if you want to spend a few vargas catching up with your father. I’m working from here today, mostly because Lance is here, but because I want to be here for both of you, not locked away in the command room working on theories. If he wakes up while you’re gone, I can find something he can help me with” Keith’s fingers traced the back of the envelope. He didn’t have much in the way of photos of his father, yet he kind of felt he wanted Lance there when he opened it. He wanted Lance to see him... to cuddle into his side and kiss his temple the way he did when it was all too much “I want Lance to meet him” “Then open it when you’re with him. He won’t push” “I know he won’t. He knew it was hard enough for me to meet his family for Christmas, but he worked so hard at being accomodating... He gave me something I didn’t have and something I can’t even find the words for” “That’s because he loves you. Now give me a hug, then go see that husband of yours” Climbing to his knees, Keith wrapped his arms around his mother. He wasn’t sure he’d had some kind of therapy breakthrough, but he also couldn’t deny he didn’t feel better “I love you mum” “I love you too. Always, Keith. No matter what. I’ll help you both in any way you I can” Keith nodded, he knew his mother loved him. He knew it, but he was still scared she’d disappear again. This fear was only getting worse “Then... can I ask a favour? Can you call Coran, and have him come out? Lance said he needed space and time, so I want someone there for him if he chooses more time alone” “Coran would love that” * There wasn’t space for Keith to sit on the chaise without risking waking Lance. Sitting with his side against the padded side, he watched Lance as he slept. His hand sitting beside Lance’s without touching, where it’d lain for the last varga or so. Lance felt safe in confiding in Coran... so maybe Coran could help him too? Maybe Coran would be able to help them talk without him losing his head? After a hundred mental conversations of how this could play out, he froze when Lance’s long eyelashes flickered. A soft groan on his lips as his husband nuzzled into the arm bit of the chaise before freezing. “Keith?” “I’m not here to fight, and if you want me to leave you alone, I will. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I keep getting mad over the smallest and stupidest things... and I’m sorry. I don’t know what I’m doing. But I don’t want to fight...” Hanging his head in shame, Lance wriggled across on the chaise, wrapping his arms around him. Keith felt as if he didn’t deserve the soft gesture “I don’t want to fight either. I don’t. I hate fighting with you” “Why do we keep fighting?” “I don’t know” “I hate it” Lance nuzzled into his hair “So do I. I don’t know what’s going on with us. You’re so mad and I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong... I want to be happy with you. How can I make you happy?” “I... I don’t think I’m coping. I get so jealous of everything... I don’t want you to leave me... but I keep... I keep using the wrong words” “I’m not... Keith, I’m not interested in anyone that isn’t you. I can’t be like... that, with anyone who isn’t you. I don’t know how make you see that” “I know. But my head gets so busy. I keep getting... I keep feeling like if I let you out my sight you’ll be gone forever... I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want you hurt because I wasn’t good enough. Not again” Keith’s body shuddered as his tears returned “Babe. Hey. Hey... you’ve been arsehole... but you had a scare too. I know you did. You didn’t fail me that night. That was not your fault” “I knew you were in danger” “And I knew I was in danger” “I got so mad at you and all you did was wash Kosmo. Nothing happened but I couldn’t get the thought out my head. You could have slipped. You could have had a seizure. And... you were so happy without me there. If I’m making you sad, then you shouldn’t here. I shouldn't...” “Stop. Ok. Stop. We’re only going to end up fighting again and I can’t. I can’t keep fighting with you. Shiro was trying to cover for me. He was trying to help because I made the mess. I couldn’t sleep so I was going to take a bath. I was feeling pretty tired and horny... my body had all this energy that my mind didn’t. I was running the bath when Kosmo jumped in. It all went to quiznak. He decided halfway through he wasn’t having it and teleported around before teleporting out and messing up the bed. I knew you’d worry... but I was feeling so fucking lonely that I stripped the bed and tried going to sleep like that. Kosmo teleported back. I was cold and wet when Shiro came. He wasn’t you, but I was grateful not to be alone... You’ve... be putting up a wall between us. Cuddles without kisses. Barely touching me sometimes, like I’m infectious. Then growling and getting jealous. I don’t know how to feel. Shiro tried to get Kosmo washed off, while I changed. When I went to check on them, Kosmo was misbehaving. I know it’s bad but I felt like less of a fuck up as I watched. Then he tried to run off with Shiro’s arm. Then he teleported him into the bath and knocked him down. He was trying to cover because he knew I didn’t want you worrying. I didn’t want you to know how much of a fuck up I am... because... I don’t want to lose you” The full story made much more sense. If he hadn’t been jealous of Lance’s laughter than maybe he could have taken a moment to find the humour in the situation “I wanted everything to be perfect when you came back. I had it all planned. I was talking to Daehra, while we watched the lab assistants make your medication so you wouldn’t have to worry about having a seizure with everything else going on. But then it wasn’t ready in time. I knew you wouldn’t take something you didn’t trust. So I was hurrying to get back. Shiro stayed. He watched it all. I don’t want you falling back into drugs... but I also don’t want something happening. Those seizures. Waiting for your body to stop spasming. I don’t want you to go through that. Especially not in front of people who might not understand. I know how upset it’d make you. I’m not trying to drug you. I... don’t want you thinking that. I’m in love with you. I want to work this out with you. I don’t want to keep being a jealous idiot” “I don’t know how to stop that. I don’t know what I can say or do. You wanted me to try but when you do you get angry and I don’t know what to do. I can’t tell Shiro not to talk to me. I can’t turn them all away... because then they’ll ask you. I’m scared of all of this... I keep going because I love you.. but then we fight and I have to fight it. I want to shoot up or hurt myself... and the only thing that stops me is the idea of hurting you. I know how to be uncle... I don’t know how to a baby. I don’t know how to have two. We can’t have babies and be fighting” “Lance, do you even want them?” Keith’s voice was low and rough, the question painful to ask “I want to. But then we fight and I hate myself all that much more. You like men... I’m not sure what I am. I don’t know if you want this body or are going through the motions. But we made them. We’ve heard their heartbeats. I’ve felt them move. I’m confused. I want to want this but then I seem like a freak. I want a future with you... I’m so scared of what I’m becoming. I’m some kind of monster. I can’t control my Altean magic. What if I zap you again? I could kill you... They’re our kids... I want to... I don’t want people treating me like a freak. I know it’s weird. I know it and people don’t need to tell me... still, I can... I can get through it if we... if we’re together... but we need to stop fighting. It hurts both of us and it hurts living and knowing it does” “You’re not a freak. You can’t help the Altean magic in your blood. You didn’t ask for it. You didn’t ask for anything that happened. Allura was stupid to leave you. If anything I’m the freak. I keep “Galraing” out over everything. I can’t relax, and I can’t stop worrying” “I know. That’s part of why I’m worried. It’s like there this switch in you that flips. I know you’re sorry. I know. I don’t know we get back to what we had, but I want to try” “Me too. I know I said I’d leave you alone as long as you wanted, but do you maybe want to come back to our room?” “Can we cuddle?” “Yeah. Yeah. I’m sorry I was pulling away. I am pulling away. It’s not because I like someone else, I just get scared” Lance nodded as he pressed a kiss against Keith’s hair “I know you do. Maybe we can talk to someone? Together?” “I asked mum to invite Coran out here. I know you wanted to be alone, but I also know you don’t have many friends here and I wanted you to have someone here that you trusted. I... I’m proud that you turned to mum. She loves you so much” “I feel like I rely on her too much, but she’s the only Galra I know who’s pregnant and can tell me about what’s going on with my body” “I want you to talk to me. When you’re scared... I want to know” “I’m more lonely than scared. I don’t want to feel lonely” Shifting position, Keith took Lance’s face in his hands. His husband nuzzling into his right hand affectionately. He didn’t like his husband feeling lonely or isolated. Their fighting would have only served to make him feel worse, yet when he looked at the black eye he’d given him, he felt so quiznakking horrible “I can’t promise I won’t mess up again” “And I can’t promise I won’t make you worry” “So we both have things we need to work on?” “Yeah. Let’s go back to your room. I’m sorry Kosmo messed up our bed. I get why you got angry, because you were disappointed after working so hard. I would have been angry too” “Yeah, but I should have listened. I shouldn’t have lost my temper simply because the bed was a mess. Are you ok, though? I could smell pain when you were laughing” “Pregnancy pains. Just some cramping from laughing so hard. They’re not too bad, Mumma K explained that because things are growing and shifting inside that happens. We need to work on talking instead of relying on each other’s scents. My therapist would love you. They always say I catastrophise everything. Instead of looking for the good, I fixate on all the possible bad. I think you do that a lot too. Instead of enjoying what time we have together, you think of everything that can go wrong. Coran’s good to talk to about things. He won’t tell... but the important thing is finding someone you’re comfortable to talk to. You’re the one who told me that” Keith let out a scoff of sorts “That sounds to smart to have come from me” Leaning down, Lance rested his forehead against his “You’re pretty smart when you want to be. Rest of the time you’re kind of an idiot” “But... I’m still you’re idiot?” “Yeah. Can we make a new rule?” Keith would do anything if it meant receiving Lance’s forgiveness, though there was a sense of foreboding “What is it?” “That you remember I’m married to you, you idiot. That you are the only person I’ve had consensual sex with” “You’re the only one I’ve been with too... I don’t want to be with anyone else” “Then stop trying to marry me off to Shiro. It’s creepy and I don’t like it” “I’m sorry. I get so scared you’ll see you can do better” Lance pressed a soft kiss against his lips “You’re the one who can do better. You’re gorgeous. You’re smart and you’re fun to be around when we’re not fighting. Plus, Mami has permanent adopted you. I couldn’t break her heart by downgrading in the husband department” “I gave you a black eye” “And I tried to bash the shit out of you while going off the drugs. You don’t blame me for that. I don’t blame you for your nightmares” Keith paused, Lance stealing a kiss, before continuing “See. You know I’m right. Come on, let’s go before Mumma K throws us out” “She’d never throw us out. She loves you too much” “She loves you even more”

End of the year survey, of course

Song of the year? According to last.fm, it's Endless War by Within Temptation which seems pretty accurate.  I regret that I skipped out on WT's concert.  It was supposed to snow and I felt terrible mental health-wise, but I should have just went because I've been trying to do things even if feel terrible, because staying at home is not going to help and I refuse to be beaten down.  But I don't always succeed. I'M FIGHTING AN ENDLESS WAR.

Album of the year? Lover by Taylor Swift. Ever since 1989 was released I go through this thing where I can't listen anything but her new album.  It got super bad this year, though, and I haven't really listened to anything but TS since it was released.  I thought it was my new favorite album of hers but after sitting in this spiral for long enough, I think Reputation is my favorite followed by Lover.  But Lover gave me Death by a Thousand Cuts which NO OTHER ALBUMS DID so. Thanks, Lover.

Favorite musical artist / group you started listening to this year? I don't think I started listening to anyone new this year.  The closest I can get is a band called Thy Art is Murder, which is apparently deathcore, which is a genre I've never listened to before, so that's nice, but I haven't listened to them much at all.

Movie of the year? Eh, I looked at the list of movies I watched this year and nothing stood out.  The closest I can get to answering this question is recommending the movie Crush the Skull as a much better alternative to Don't Breathe, if you're into horror/home invasion kind of movies

TV show of the year? I haven't really watched much television this year. I just haven't been in the mood.  I did rewatch It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and a lot of that was when I was on vacation in London. I'd get back to my room and have my dinner and watch Sunny. Exciting times across the sea.  But I guess overall, I'd say Good Girls.  It was one of the few drama shows I watched this year and it was amazing.  This was also the year I discovered Buzzfeed Unsolved, but that's not really a TV show. But it deserves a mention.

Episode of tv or webisode that defined the year for you? Can't say there is one.

Favorite actor of the year? Tom Hiddleston. Does anyone doubt the answer to this one. I saw him on stage four times, because I'm an excessive bitch.  I met him at Comic Con and he winked at me and no, I won't stop talking about that ever.  And if I ever dare forget him, I have his autograph on my phone case so I'm reminded of his existence at all times whether I like it or not (I like it).

Game of the year? None. I don't game. Nor do I play board games. Nor do I play games on my phone. I am very much not a game person. OH WAIT. I lied. I picked up Pokemon Go again because my friend is super into it and kept taking me to places to do gym battles and stuff.

Best month for you this year? June. May-Juneish.  That's the time I went to London, my mom was doing relatively well, and I just like that time of year.  The weather is usually perfect.

Something that made you cry this year? Taylor Swift's song "Soon You'll Get Better".  It punched me so hard it broke several ribs. I've never identified with a song before but I did that one and I'd really love to sue Taylor for emotional damage.

Something you want to do again next year? Go to the haunted farm thing I went to this year around Halloween. I love that place. I went two years ago and this year, and it's like a mile long thing set up on a farm that you walk through and it's just so well done. Both times I've enjoyed the hell out of myself and enjoyed the company I was with.

I'd also really love to see Kamelot again, if they decide they want to keep touring, though I'm sure they're going to chill.  Them or Avatar, same deal.  I've seen Kamelot three times and Avatar twice but is it enough? No.

Talk about a new friend you made this year I have not made any new friends. Do you know how hard it is to make friends.  I did, however, meet @phantomdivine​ in person, so that was a friendship escalation.

How was your birthday this year? It's in February and Februarys are usually a blur of me having mental breakdowns.  I have a distinct memory last year of driving home from my friend's house in the middle of night on the anniversary of my father's death, crying like a little bitch and being like "why am I crying" while I was smoking (I don't smoke except for when I smoke) and getting gutpunched every time the line "the good die young" came up on the Within Temptation song I was listening to.  That was right around my birthday so that's probably how it was.

Favorite book you read this year? Maybe What Was She Thinking? (Notes on a Scandal) by Zoë Heller.  I read 20 books this year and I usually read zero! Go me!  I also read Gone Girl finally, because I've read Gillian Flynn's other books, and I always enjoy her and her writing.  The quality of writing is important to me, so I will read any plot if the writing intrigues me.

What’s a bad habit you picked up this year? How dare you suggest I have a bad habit

Post a picture from the beginning of the year

A feral kitty that lives in a broken down building near the antique shop I consign with

Post a picture from the end of the year

It Hozier

A memorable meal this year? I'm a big food person but I've been on a diet for a good part of the year.  Which has kind of left me...a disinterested in food person.

What’re you excited about for next year? Uhhh. I have nothing planned, so I don't know.  Hopefully getting on Social Security Disability, because the whole process is stressing me out and my lawyer said it can take a year and I just really do not have time for this.

What’s something you learned this year? It's not something I -learned-, but something I accomplished. I started running, something I've tried to do in starts and stops over the years.  I used to be unable to run 30 seconds without getting out of breath and getting stomach cramps and feeling like I was going to die.  Now I can run a 5k.  I usually don't run this far, though, because I still have trouble breathing and I need to work on that, so I usually run about 30 minutes when I go out.  I've been thwarted lately but it getting dark so early so I haven't been able to go out as much as I did (unless I want to get murdered, I guess).

What’s something new about your place of residence (room, home, or general location) now vs the start of the year? I hung up my signed Only Lovers  Left Alive poster :')

Favorite place you visited this year? London, baby.  I'm so happy I loved it so much. I was looking at pictures the other day and got a little teary eyed, which is the normal person equivalent of actually crying.  I don't know if it's London itself or what it represented to me (probably both), but I love it and want to go back and have vague, tentative plans to stay there for two or three months in the future if I can.

If you could send a message to yourself back on the first day of the year, what would it be? You're gonna meet Tom Hiddleston, bitch, and he's gonna WINK at you.  

Did you keep any New Year’s Resolutions? I do not. I reinvent my life whenever I feel like it.

Did you create any characters (in games, art, or writing) this year? Describe one You don't want the answer to this one because I will go off for an hour and no1curr, as they used to say.

Caramel Skin Under A Purple Rain prt 39

Called to his mother’s quarters, Keith glared at all those he passed as they stared at his dishevelled state. His eyes were red from crying. He was so tired of fighting with his husband. The words he tried to say always came out wrong, or were twisted by jealousy. Hearing Lance laugh like that... He wanted to be the one to make him that happy. He’d spent the morning choosing what blankets to have on their bed, making sure it was properly made, comfortable and safe for his husband... then Lance had tried to bath Kosmo. He trusted his husband, but why couldn’t he see how dangerous it could have been. Had Lance been alone and slipped or had a seizure... anything could have happened. All he wanted was Lance by his side, where he couldn’t vanish or leave him behind. His fears of being abandoned by his lover were twisting him into something he didn’t want to be. Lance wanted his husband back... and Keith wanted... He wanted to stop fighting. He wanted to stop these possessive “instincts” that kept fucking things up in his head from preventing him fucking things up. Shiro hadn’t been impressed, though being Shiro, he could see both sides of the argument. Both of them wanted Lance in a safe environment, but their individual differences of the definition of that environment was like comparing apples and oranges. A safe environment to him was not Lance in a soaked bathroom, clutching his stomach. His husband may have been laughing, yet Keith could smell the pain Lance wasn’t showing. He didn’t want to be the kind of man who had to know every tick of his husbands day. He didn’t want to limit Lance’s actions... but he was so fucking scared. He didn’t know how to work this out. He didn’t have the right words... obviously. He wanted Lance, what he’d been through didn’t matter. Well, it did. It mattered when Lance was having a panic attack, or screaming his lungs out as he came out of a bad nightmare. It mattered when the past robbed Lance of his future. But at the same time, it didn’t matter. Yes, Lance has changed, but so had he. They weren’t the same people they’d been when they were Paladins. He accepted the broken parts, even if he hated them, and didn’t blame him for using whatever coping mechanisms he’d needed just to get through the day. Yet everything he said came across as an insult to Lance. Daehra assisting in synthesising Lance’s medication was for Lance’s sake. His medication was on file, and a sample had been taken before it’d been destroyed. The lab technicians could have easily synthesised another dose. Yet he knew Lance wouldn’t trust that. He’d planned for it to be done before collecting his husband, but time had run over. It felt as if everything he tried to do to make Lance happier was cursed to backfire. Somehow the flywheel of his self control had slipped, leaving him spiralling into this ball of petty rage. Reaching his mother’s quarters, his eyes grew damp as his hand shook. His fist paused midair as he was torn between knocking, or punching the wall beside the door until he’d broken it. His mother obviously knew he was coming, as she’d messaged him that Lance had safety reached her. The door sliding open to reveal his mother, her angered expression turned to open arms as he found himself gathered into her hold, his bottom lip quivering as he clutched at her shirt “M-mum... I fucked up again... I don’t think... I’m not... I’m not ok” Hushing him softly, his mother then nodded “He’s here and he’s sleeping. I heard you had a fight, but he was more worried about you than himself. I think we need to have a talk” Nodding, Keith didn’t move to move, not a few long moments before pulling back and sniffling “Please... can I see him? See that he’s here?” “Here, come with me” Krolia briefly showed him Lance’s sleeping form. His husband sleeping on the chaise in her “sitting” room, a thick blanket covering his sleeping form. Leading him back through her quarters, his nose was assaulted by Kolivan’s scent as they sat on her bed. Keith wiping his face as they sat opposite each other with their legs crossed. His mother holding a small yellow package she must have picked up as they’d walked. His mind had been on Lance, not really caring where they ended up for this talk. Sniffling again, he wiped his nose on his sleeve “I’m sorry...” “I know you are. Lance knows you are too. He wanted to leave at first, but almost as soon as he’d said that, he was saying he couldn’t leave you over such a stupid fight” “I keep fucking up and I don’t know how to stop” Krolia snorted lightly, Keith supposing he deserved it “Keith, we all make mistakes. Lance has been telling me that you’re struggling. He didn’t want to break your confidence in him, only that he was worried that you’ve been struggling with your feelings. He explained a little about these instincts you’re both feeling, on top of everything else. He’s worried you’re not taking care of yourself or putting yourself first when you need to” “He’s my priority” Keith didn’t even need to think about the automatic answer, his mother sighing at him “He can be your priority, but you can’t live his life. He knows you want to protect him, then gets scared when you blow up at him. Since he’s been here, it’s been full on for both of you, and he worries you’re not doing enough of the things you like. He feels like he’s taking up all your time and you’re having no time for anything else” “Of course I haven’t been doing anything else. He got attacked right away” “But you stopped eating when he was in the infirmary. You didn’t leave his side, not even to shower” “That’s because...” “Because what? No matter what you tell me, I love you. I want to understand” Keith clenched his fists, staring down at his legs “I’m scared if I take my eyes off him... that he’s going to disappear and never come back. Dad didn’t come back... and you... you weren’t there either... I don’t want to be left behind again. I don’t want to fight with him... but I don’t want to lose him because I wasn’t there when he needed me. He could have been hurt today. He could have slipped. He could have had a seizure. I spent... I made sure everything would be how he’d like it. I wanted it to be perfect... but then I come back and he’s laughing with Shiro. I can’t remember when I made him laugh like that. You should have seen him. The wrinkles in the corner of his eyes as laughed so hard his face was red. We keep fighting. I keep saying the wrong thing... but how do I keep him safe? Everyone is moving on... so why am I still stuck? We spent phoebs away from each other, so why can’t we make it work when we’re back together? I don’t know what to do. I don’t own him. He’s not my possession, so why do I get so mad when anyone gets near him? I don’t want him to leave me... I don’t want him to go away. He said... he said he would if I fucked up again, but half the time I don’t know how I did” Keith’s words hung between them, Krolia taking a moment before holding the package she’d grabbed out to him “I’m sorry I wasn’t there. I’m sorry I was there when your father died. Lance knows being part of a family is hard for you. He asked me for a favour, scared of upsetting me as he did. These are my memories. You saw them on the space whale, but you barely have anything to remember him by. Leaving you two was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I left to keep you safe... and I left because I believed that one day we’d find each other again. Seeing his death. Feeling your pain. It broke part of me. I can’t forgive myself for the pain you went through, but I can tell you all couples fight. I know you’re scared. I know you don’t know how to be a parent, but no parent ever really does. All we can do is try our best... He loved you. The day you were born... he was so worried, but the moment he held you... He loved you, and he lives on in you. Lance wants your children to know him. I want you to know him, and I’m sure in his last words and thoughts, he was sorry to be leaving you. I might not know your fears and pain, but I’m your mother. I love you. I am proud of you. You’ve grown into a courage young man, who loves so deeply that you can’t even think straight. Neither of you want to keep fighting. Lance doesn’t want to leave. All he wants is for you to live your life and put yourself first from time to time. He wants you to trust that he doesn’t want to go back to how things were. He wants a relationship where you both trust each other, and in each other. Loving someone doesn’t mean binding them to you. It means loving them through all the ups and downs as you work out life together. If you’re struggling, you can come to me. If you want to go to Altea and see your councillor, I’m happy to have Lance’s help around here. He’s had his medical issues for a while, and he’s trying to adjust to them. He was rambling, but he did clearly say that he left the bathroom when the floor was wet because he didn’t want to chance things. He’s trying to make the choices that are right, but he’s also under a lot of pressure. His hormones are telling him one thing, his body another, and his lover lives in constant fear... but above all, he feels lonely when you don’t tell him how you feel. If I could give you both leave I would, but unfortunately this tour must happen” “He doesn’t want to go... he’s only going for us” “Because he loves you. He’s strong. I seem to remember his birthday is coming up?” Keith nodded, taking the yellow package from his mother “3 movements” “Why don’t you take him out? I’m not sure if it’s a surprise or not, but he’s booked a scan on Altea on the day. Why not make a whole day of it” “Shiro wants to throw a baby shower. He wants to get Hunk and Lance talking again. Lance said he didn’t want to celebrate his birthday, but we agreed on going to dinner” Krolia’s eyes lit up at “baby shower”, his mother’s scheming mind already racing with the idea, skipping the “dinner” part of the conversation “A baby shower... He’d like that” Frowning at his mother, that was the second time he’d been told that “I don’t think he wants the fuss” “It’s not “fuss”, it’s his friends and family being there with him. I think it’s a great idea. It doesn’t have to be a surprise, if his nerves can’t take it. But having the acceptance of everyone is something he needs. I’m going to have to call Shiro” “He’s not comfortable with the pregnancy” “He’s young and he’s wondering if he’s done the right thing. We talked a fair bit about it before the Gala. He didn’t know what was normal and not. It’s one thing to be on the supporting side of the pregnancy and another to be the one carrying. Do you two need anything? He mentioned you’d been shopping” When things had been better. Easier. Uncomplicated by his jealousy and Lance was freed of the burden of being anyone but himself “Shiro asked me the same thing... maybe something for Lance instead of the twins? I wish I knew what happened to his wedding ring” “We’ve searched and haven’t been able to find it. I wouldn’t hold out on you if we had. I know how much it means to both of you. I love you both, don’t forget that. You don’t have to keep trying to do everything alone. The attack on Lance was an attack on all of us. More cameras have been installed across the palace, and we haven’t given up on finding who was behind it. Kolivan’s livid about it all. He must have watched and rewatched that video a thousand times by now. He might not say it, but you’ve become a son to him. Lance has impressed him, not only with his skills but with his sharp mind. He’s fond of both of you. Do you want to sit with him? I understand if you want to spend a few vargas catching up with your father. I’m working from here today, mostly because Lance is here, but because I want to be here for both of you, not locked away in the command room working on theories. If he wakes up while you’re gone, I can find something he can help me with” Keith’s fingers traced the back of the envelope. He didn’t have much in the way of photos of his father, yet he kind of felt he wanted Lance there when he opened it. He wanted Lance to see him... to cuddle into his side and kiss his temple the way he did when it was all too much “I want Lance to meet him” “Then open it when you’re with him. He won’t push” “I know he won’t. He knew it was hard enough for me to meet his family for Christmas, but he worked so hard at being accomodating... He gave me something I didn’t have and something I can’t even find the words for” “That’s because he loves you. Now give me a hug, then go see that husband of yours” Climbing to his knees, Keith wrapped his arms around his mother. He wasn’t sure he’d had some kind of therapy breakthrough, but he also couldn’t deny he didn’t feel better “I love you mum” “I love you too. Always, Keith. No matter what. I’ll help you both in any way you I can” Keith nodded, he knew his mother loved him. He knew it, but he was still scared she’d disappear again. This fear was only getting worse “Then... can I ask a favour? Can you call Coran, and have him come out? Lance said he needed space and time, so I want someone there for him if he chooses more time alone” “Coran would love that” * There wasn’t space for Keith to sit on the chaise without risking waking Lance. Sitting with his side against the padded side, he watched Lance as he slept. His hand sitting beside Lance’s without touching, where it’d lain for the last varga or so. Lance felt safe in confiding in Coran... so maybe Coran could help him too? Maybe Coran would be able to help them talk without him losing his head? After a hundred mental conversations of how this could play out, he froze when Lance’s long eyelashes flickered. A soft groan on his lips as his husband nuzzled into the arm bit of the chaise before freezing. “Keith?” “I’m not here to fight, and if you want me to leave you alone, I will. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I keep getting mad over the smallest and stupidest things... and I’m sorry. I don’t know what I’m doing. But I don’t want to fight...” Hanging his head in shame, Lance wriggled across on the chaise, wrapping his arms around him. Keith felt as if he didn’t deserve the soft gesture “I don’t want to fight either. I don’t. I hate fighting with you” “Why do we keep fighting?” “I don’t know” “I hate it” Lance nuzzled into his hair “So do I. I don’t know what’s going on with us. You’re so mad and I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong... I want to be happy with you. How can I make you happy?” “I... I don’t think I’m coping. I get so jealous of everything... I don’t want you to leave me... but I keep... I keep using the wrong words” “I’m not... Keith, I’m not interested in anyone that isn’t you. I can’t be like... that, with anyone who isn’t you. I don’t know how make you see that” “I know. But my head gets so busy. I keep getting... I keep feeling like if I let you out my sight you’ll be gone forever... I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want you hurt because I wasn’t good enough. Not again” Keith’s body shuddered as his tears returned “Babe. Hey. Hey... you’ve been arsehole... but you had a scare too. I know you did. You didn’t fail me that night. That was not your fault” “I knew you were in danger” “And I knew I was in danger” “I got so mad at you and all you did was wash Kosmo. Nothing happened but I couldn’t get the thought out my head. You could have slipped. You could have had a seizure. And... you were so happy without me there. If I’m making you sad, then you shouldn’t here. I shouldn't...” “Stop. Ok. Stop. We’re only going to end up fighting again and I can’t. I can’t keep fighting with you. Shiro was trying to cover for me. He was trying to help because I made the mess. I couldn’t sleep so I was going to take a bath. I was feeling pretty tired and horny... my body had all this energy that my mind didn’t. I was running the bath when Kosmo jumped in. It all went to quiznak. He decided halfway through he wasn’t having it and teleported around before teleporting out and messing up the bed. I knew you’d worry... but I was feeling so fucking lonely that I stripped the bed and tried going to sleep like that. Kosmo teleported back. I was cold and wet when Shiro came. He wasn’t you, but I was grateful not to be alone... You’ve... be putting up a wall between us. Cuddles without kisses. Barely touching me sometimes, like I’m infectious. Then growling and getting jealous. I don’t know how to feel. Shiro tried to get Kosmo washed off, while I changed. When I went to check on them, Kosmo was misbehaving. I know it’s bad but I felt like less of a fuck up as I watched. Then he tried to run off with Shiro’s arm. Then he teleported him into the bath and knocked him down. He was trying to cover because he knew I didn’t want you worrying. I didn’t want you to know how much of a fuck up I am... because... I don’t want to lose you” The full story made much more sense. If he hadn’t been jealous of Lance’s laughter than maybe he could have taken a moment to find the humour in the situation “I wanted everything to be perfect when you came back. I had it all planned. I was talking to Daehra, while we watched the lab assistants make your medication so you wouldn’t have to worry about having a seizure with everything else going on. But then it wasn’t ready in time. I knew you wouldn’t take something you didn’t trust. So I was hurrying to get back. Shiro stayed. He watched it all. I don’t want you falling back into drugs... but I also don’t want something happening. Those seizures. Waiting for your body to stop spasming. I don’t want you to go through that. Especially not in front of people who might not understand. I know how upset it’d make you. I’m not trying to drug you. I... don’t want you thinking that. I’m in love with you. I want to work this out with you. I don’t want to keep being a jealous idiot” “I don’t know how to stop that. I don’t know what I can say or do. You wanted me to try but when you do you get angry and I don’t know what to do. I can’t tell Shiro not to talk to me. I can’t turn them all away... because then they’ll ask you. I’m scared of all of this... I keep going because I love you.. but then we fight and I have to fight it. I want to shoot up or hurt myself... and the only thing that stops me is the idea of hurting you. I know how to be uncle... I don’t know how to a baby. I don’t know how to have two. We can’t have babies and be fighting” “Lance, do you even want them?” Keith’s voice was low and rough, the question painful to ask “I want to. But then we fight and I hate myself all that much more. You like men... I’m not sure what I am. I don’t know if you want this body or are going through the motions. But we made them. We’ve heard their heartbeats. I’ve felt them move. I’m confused. I want to want this but then I seem like a freak. I want a future with you... I’m so scared of what I’m becoming. I’m some kind of monster. I can’t control my Altean magic. What if I zap you again? I could kill you... They’re our kids... I want to... I don’t want people treating me like a freak. I know it’s weird. I know it and people don’t need to tell me... still, I can... I can get through it if we... if we’re together... but we need to stop fighting. It hurts both of us and it hurts living and knowing it does” “You’re not a freak. You can’t help the Altean magic in your blood. You didn’t ask for it. You didn’t ask for anything that happened. Allura was stupid to leave you. If anything I’m the freak. I keep “Galraing” out over everything. I can’t relax, and I can’t stop worrying” “I know. That’s part of why I’m worried. It’s like there this switch in you that flips. I know you’re sorry. I know. I don’t know we get back to what we had, but I want to try” “Me too. I know I said I’d leave you alone as long as you wanted, but do you maybe want to come back to our room?” “Can we cuddle?” “Yeah. Yeah. I’m sorry I was pulling away. I am pulling away. It’s not because I like someone else, I just get scared” Lance nodded as he pressed a kiss against Keith’s hair “I know you do. Maybe we can talk to someone? Together?” “I asked mum to invite Coran out here. I know you wanted to be alone, but I also know you don’t have many friends here and I wanted you to have someone here that you trusted. I... I’m proud that you turned to mum. She loves you so much” “I feel like I rely on her too much, but she’s the only Galra I know who’s pregnant and can tell me about what’s going on with my body” “I want you to talk to me. When you’re scared... I want to know” “I’m more lonely than scared. I don’t want to feel lonely” Shifting position, Keith took Lance’s face in his hands. His husband nuzzling into his right hand affectionately. He didn’t like his husband feeling lonely or isolated. Their fighting would have only served to make him feel worse, yet when he looked at the black eye he’d given him, he felt so quiznakking horrible “I can’t promise I won’t mess up again” “And I can’t promise I won’t make you worry” “So we both have things we need to work on?” “Yeah. Let’s go back to your room. I’m sorry Kosmo messed up our bed. I get why you got angry, because you were disappointed after working so hard. I would have been angry too” “Yeah, but I should have listened. I shouldn’t have lost my temper simply because the bed was a mess. Are you ok, though? I could smell pain when you were laughing” “Pregnancy pains. Just some cramping from laughing so hard. They’re not too bad, Mumma K explained that because things are growing and shifting inside that happens. We need to work on talking instead of relying on each other’s scents. My therapist would love you. They always say I catastrophise everything. Instead of looking for the good, I fixate on all the possible bad. I think you do that a lot too. Instead of enjoying what time we have together, you think of everything that can go wrong. Coran’s good to talk to about things. He won’t tell... but the important thing is finding someone you’re comfortable to talk to. You’re the one who told me that” Keith let out a scoff of sorts “That sounds to smart to have come from me” Leaning down, Lance rested his forehead against his “You’re pretty smart when you want to be. Rest of the time you’re kind of an idiot” “But... I’m still you’re idiot?” “Yeah. Can we make a new rule?” Keith would do anything if it meant receiving Lance’s forgiveness, though there was a sense of foreboding “What is it?” “That you remember I’m married to you, you idiot. That you are the only person I’ve had consensual sex with” “You’re the only one I’ve been with too... I don’t want to be with anyone else” “Then stop trying to marry me off to Shiro. It’s creepy and I don’t like it” “I’m sorry. I get so scared you’ll see you can do better” Lance pressed a soft kiss against his lips “You’re the one who can do better. You’re gorgeous. You’re smart and you’re fun to be around when we’re not fighting. Plus, Mami has permanent adopted you. I couldn’t break her heart by downgrading in the husband department” “I gave you a black eye” “And I tried to bash the shit out of you while going off the drugs. You don’t blame me for that. I don’t blame you for your nightmares” Keith paused, Lance stealing a kiss, before continuing “See. You know I’m right. Come on, let’s go before Mumma K throws us out” “She’d never throw us out. She loves you too much” “She loves you even more. Now take me back to y-our room. I want at least 3 solid vargas of cuddling before we have to people again” “I think I can do that” “Good, because you’ve been holding out on those cuddles and I’ve missed them” Kissing Lance, Keith found himself feeling hopeful “You’re such a dork” “Yep. Now up you get. I’ll race you. First one back to your room is married to me” “What if I come second?” “Then we’ll both be very confused over how I married myself” “I wouldn’t put it past Annla to have found a way” “She’s a force to be reckoned with” “That she is” “Let’s not have a girl. They’re scary” Lance laughed as he moved out Keith’s hold “I don’t think it works it like that...” “Fuck” * With their bed remade, Lance was snuggled up in his hold. Kosmo had been evicted down to his bed on the floor, Keith not feeling forgiving about his wolf messing up their perfectly made bed. Kissing Lance’s hair, his fingertip dragged across the swell of Lance’s stomach lazily, his right arm currently propping him up so he could stare down at his husband as he rested. Lance having stripped off his shirt and sweats in favour of his bra and underwear. Quiznak if he didn’t look sinful, the white of the fabric standing out against his soft skin. For the last few doboshes, his husband had been twitching beneath him like crazy. His bottom lip was trapped by his teeth slightly, with his big blue eyes fixed on Keith’s between his kisses. Feeling the smile tugging on his lips, he let his fingers slide down towards Lance’s side, goosebumps erupting in their wake. Gently ticking his husband, Lance grabbed his hand with a screech “Keith!” Feigning ignorance, the half-Galra gave a half shrug “What? What did I do?” “You know what you did” “Kiss you?” “You tickled me!” “Are you sure?” Narrowing his eyes, Lance pouted, Keith diving in to steal a kiss from his adorable husband “Maybe?” “You did it on purpose” “I couldn’t help myself. You’re too cute” “You tickled me because I’m cute?” Stealing another kiss, it was slow and it was deep, Keith cutting it off when Lance started kissing him back, his lips against his husband’s “Yeah. I couldn’t help myself” “You’re so mean” “What do you want me to do about it?” “Kiss it better?” “Kiss what better?” “My pride?” Taking his hand out of Lance’s, he placed it back on his husband’s belly, sliding it downward his snail trail as Lance drew a gasp, Keith smiling smugly “Only your pride?” “Don’t...” “Don’t what?” “Don’t tease me” “Are you sure?” Now that it was progressing, nerves were setting in. What if he hurt his husband? Or what if he started seizing? What if he hurt their babies? “I’m sure... I want to have sex with my husband. Make-up sex sounds hot” “I don’t want to stress your body” “Keith, I’m feel so touched starved that I want to cry. My body is fine. They let me leave. I want to feel my husband. I don’t want you to stop touching me because I’m like this. I don’t think I can take it” “What if I hurt you?” The kiss Lance pressed to his lips was hard and hungry, Keith’s fear corroding in the flames of lust. Sharing several deep kisses, Lance broke off. His pupils dilated with lust “You won’t” Straddling Lance’s thigh, his husband was stripped beneath him. His bra elastic without any confusing clasps, that and his underwear shimmied out of as Keith removed his own clothes, other than his boxer briefs. With his left leg raised and bent away from him, Keith had Lance half caged as he fingered him while they made out. Nipping and sucking at his husband’s neck, Lance was falling apart beneath him. His darkened nipples hardened to stop peaks, his breasts wobbling slightly with each panted breath. Wanton moans spilt brilliantly from Lance’s parted lips, Keith strumming his body like the finest of harps, drawing forth the ever sweeter song that only Lance could produce. He wanted so badly to be buried inside his lover, yet wanted Lance to come from his fingers alone, already he rubbed at his husband’s sweet spot incessantly, causing long dribbles of precum to spill from Lance’s curving erection. Changing the position, he ground against Lance’s thigh, the stitching of his underwear providing friction that his throbbing erection desperately needed. Closing his lips around his husband’s right nipple, Lance trilled as his back arched, a sweetness on his tongue as his husband moaned something in Spanish. Sucking harder, Lance began to babble as his hips moved jerkily, trying to ride Keith’s fingers as warm wetness began to fill his mouth. Some kind of thick fluid that was unexpected, yet not unpleasant. Curious, he pulled off, a yellow stream of fluid slowly ran down the bud to the curve of Lance’s breasts. It was hot as hell. His eyes roaming across to his husband’s other nipple where the fluid had started to bud. Leaning over, he captured the sensitive bud in his teeth this time, Lance crying out in pained as he orgasmed, Keith immediately swapping from biting to sucking, drinking down the small amount of milk Lance had produced. Grabbing his hair, Lance pulled him off his nipple, Keith getting a last tongue swipe in before he was staring at his utterly wrecked husband “Nghmmm... no more... feels weird. I want... from behind...” “What if I want to see you handsome face?” “I need it. I need it me... want it so bad” Kissing Lance’s drooly lips, he slid his fingers from his lover, his hand coated in Lance’s wetness as he did. Beneath his husband was soaked. The inside muscles of his thighs jumping as shaking as Keith climbed off so Lance could turn over. With absolutely no grace, Lance floundered like a fish out of water, Keith watching the way his husband’s body moved as he rolled. One hand on his belly to support it, while his small breasts hung from no support at all. Arching his back and spreading his legs, Lance placed his hand back down when he was happy with his position. Shimmying his underwater down, Keith slicked himself with Lance’s sweet wetness. His dick throbbing so incessantly that he knew he could last “I’m going to climb between your legs now” Lance nodded, Keith doing as he said. His husband’s pretty opening was wide as wetness ran freely from the twitching entrance. Fuck. Now he wanted to eat him out... but Lance wanted him... he wanted him and he’d have to behave. With his dick grasped, he lined himself up, rubbing at his husband’s heat before teasing with the tip “I’m putting it in babe” “Do it... want it hard... wanna come with you filling me up” “I don’t know how long I’ll last” “Don’t care... fuck... I feel like I’m in heat” Shit. He wouldn’t last. Lance in heat was a wild and untamed sex fiend with no limits. He’d lost count of how many times he’s fucked his pretty arse all over their room. Pushing forward, Lance’s warm walls rippled around him as Keith buried himself balls deep. Both of them whimpering out a moan as he bottomed out. Shit... he couldn’t... his dick was already starting to swell and rib. Taking Lance by the hips, he drew back, then slammed into him, Lance crying out in pleasure. Half a dozen hard thrusts and his seed was flooding his husband as he continued to roll his hips as through pulse after pulse of cum. His pants of pleasure coming out in short growls, lost in the feeling of coming. Clenching around him, Lance met every thrust as he orgasmed again across their freshly made bed. Suddenly, it wasn’t enough to have him on his hands knees with his belly hanging, he wanted to see it. Lance’s exposed and leaking breasts, his cute swollen belly... filled with their twins. Taking him by the arms, he pulled his husband up so his back was to Keith’s chest. Pinning him to him with a hand on his swell, Keith’s other hand went to Lance’s dick, milking every drop as Lance’s head lolled back onto his shoulder. Shudders running through his lover as Keith’s half grew wetter. Boneless in his hold Lance hummed, Keith latching to suck a possessive and unhideable hicky high on his husband’s neck. Groaning at him in complaint, Keith ignored it until he tasted blood. Taking his husband’s hands in his own sticky ones, he placed them on Lance’s stomach, nose now buried against the curve of Lance’s neck. Keith felt drained. He felt so fucking drained in all the good ways. He loved his husband. He’d made love to his husband without triggering another seizure. Lance was pretty much purring in his hold as he continued to paint his walls white with his thick seed. This. This they could do. This they did very well. Lance felt made for him. Made for him to hold and cuddle. Passing the intense waves, Keith manoeuvred them down as they lessened. Spooned around his husband, he peppered kisses to his nape “You still awake?” Humming at his, Lance squeezed his hand softly. His husband barely awake since coming “I love you” “Mmnmn... ‘love you too” “Wriggling” back against him, Keith snorted as Lance did nothing but rub his back against his chest. Knowing what he wanted, Keith held him tighter “You sleep, baby. I’ll wake you up so we can clean up soon” “Nnnghm... ‘ank ‘ou... sleepy” “I know you are. You’re so beautiful, babe” “You... are” Lance’s defences were down to zero. Keith taking the chance “Hey, do you think you’d be ok with having a baby shower?” “Dunno... sleepy” “Ok... I just want everyone to see how beautiful you are” Lance “shhhh’d” him, Keith smiling as he kissed his husband’s nape again. Hopefully the idea would take root, and come back to mind when Lance... when they woke from their nap. Keith didn’t mean to nap as long as he does, yet it’s long enough for Lance to be awake when groggily comes too. Laying to face him, a soft smile is across his husband’s lips as he stares down at him, a leg thrown around his waist, almost awkwardly as he strokes Keith’s hair, yawning softly, Keith then whispers “What are you smiling at?” “You. You look so beautiful when you’re sleeping” Given Keith could feel the slight amount of crusted drool in the corner of the lips, he wasn’t sure how that translated as “beautiful” “You’re the beautiful one” Humming with a shrug, Lance throws a little of his weight as he rolls Keith back and straddles his lap. His husband’s hands roaming up his chest as he tilts his head. Lance’s half hard dick rubbing against his own “No. I much prefer what I’m looking at” “Is that so?” “Yeah. You’re really handsome” “And you’re horny” Poking his tongue out, his husband grinds against his lap “Maybe? Maybe I want to pay you back for earlier” Raising his hands to Lance’s hips to hold him down, Keith’s mesmerised by his husband’s body. How could Lance not find himself sexy? He looked sin personified with his soft skin beneath his hands and his long tanned legs... and that arse. Quiznak if the whole universe didn’t know he had it bad for Lance’s arse “Is that so?” “Mhmm... this hickey didn’t suck it’s self into existence” Sliding his hands further down, Lance’s arm brushed against his nipple, his husband hissing at the contact “Babe?” “It’s fine. They’re tender” “Your milks coming in” “Is it?” Sitting up, Lance initially tried to hold him down, but the protest was weak. Sliding his hands up his husband’s sides, he cupped Lance’s small breasts, before kissing both nipples “Mhmm. I tasted it before. They’re fuller too” “They feel ten...nhgh...der” Raising Lance’s left breast, Keith captured his nipple, swirling the bud with his tongue before sucking lightly. Letting out a lewd moan, Lance’s head fell forward, his husband hiding his face against his temple “Keith... fuck... they’re sensitive...” Sucking harder, Lance growled, pushing at him as he raised his hips, Keith abandoning his hold on his right breast to grab his dick, holding himself as Lance slipped in his hurry to mount him “Shit...” Swearing as he failed, Keith pumped himself a handful of times before tilting his erection slightly for his pregnant husband. Second time lucky, Lance sheathed himself completely, still slick and loose from the few vargas earlier, warm wetness bringing forth a growl as Lance clenched “Fuck... shit, Keith... feels weird...” Releasing his husband’s breast, He sat Lance up, capturing his lips as his hands grabbed his husband’s arse. The kiss was hungry and frantic, Lance mewing into his mouth as Keith began to rock his hips. Arms coming up to loop over his shoulders. Breaking for air a few moments later, Lance growled at him, pushing him down and placing both hands on his abs as he started to ride him. Fuck. He had the best fucking husband. He didn’t know what he wanted to hold or grab onto. His hands going from Lance’s arse to hips then to his breasts as his husband fucked himself on him, legs spread in an open kind of squat where everything was on display. Fondling and groping, Lance continued to mew, Keith finding that if he focused on his sensitive nipples, Lance would give a shudder each time the pad of his thumb teased the bud, but each time he groped him, his husband’s rhythm would grow faster. He wanted more. He wanted Lance to want him more. More than just the show of him fucking himself on Keith’s swelling dick. With a snarl, Keith snapped. Grabbing Lance by the hips, he pushed him on his back, then grabbed him by the ankles so his legs were spread wide. Drilling his husband, Lance’s hands grabbed fistfuls of the sheets, his mouth parted as he panted “Jerk yourself while I fuck you” With a shaking hand, his husband obeyed, jerking himself hard and fast in time with Keith’s thrusts. He wouldn’t last long again, but at least it was longer than their first round “I want to see you come for me. I wanna see you come all over that belly of yours” Nodding, Lance’s back arched as he gasped, his cum splattering the bottom of his belly as he fell back. Feeling the heat of his own orgasm rising, Keith pulled out, letting go of Lance’s left ankle as he jerked himself off, coming across Lance’s face and chest in thick juts. Grunting as his hips stuttered, he groaned as he released Lance’s right leg, caging his husband as he sought his lips, not caring about the tastes of his own semen in the brief kiss. Coming down from their highs, Lance giggled beneath him. Keith raising his head to look at his lover questioningly “What?” “Earlier you said you fucked up... I feel like I’m ”up”” Groaning, Keith let his head drop back down “We’re not fighting just so we can have make up sex” “I don’t want to fight... but this is way better than yelling” “And you know what’s better than this?” “What?” His husband squealed as Keith used his Galra strength to sweep him up and into his lap. legs loosely wrapped around his hips as Keith supported him by his abused arse. He’d really like to bask in the warmth of their afterglow longer, but Lance was already being so brave over everything, he didn’t want his lover falling asleep with his face covered in his spunk “Cuddles and being clean” “Mmm. That sounds perfect. My butt’s still throbbing... and I think my boobs are leaking” “We already established they are. Fuck. You drive me fucking crazy...” There was a tinge of guilt. Nips and bite marks littered Lance’s chest from earlier, clear finger marks on his hips. He’d been terrified of touching his husband, then when he had, he hadn’t been able to stop himself from wolfing down the meal in front of him “It’s nice to feel wanted” “Babe. I don’t care if we grow old together and grow out of fucking like rabbits. I’m never going to not think you’re the hottest guy in the universe” Burying his face against Keith’s neck, Lance let out a shaky breath. Fear leapt to life as Keith reached the bathroom door “What is it?” “I love you so fucking much...” Tears dripped onto the curve of his neck, Keith’s emotions flooding him like a smack to the face “I love you too. Every when I’m being a jerk, I love you” “I think I really needed this” “This” being the intimacy of what they’d spent the afternoon doing “I think we both did... We’ve both been so scared, but we’re ok...” “Yeah... yeah... can we bath now? My butts getting cold and I wanna hold you” “Maybe I want to hold you” “Nope... it’s my turn” “I wasn’t aware of that” “You are now. Dios, Keith. I love you...” Breaking down into soft sobs, Keith held his husband as he cried. Climbing into the bath may have been awkward, but Lance needed to get these feeling out. He wound up being the one holding his husband as they bathed.