Damn girl, you epilate? You must really like having your hair pulled

Pantomiming Providence

Am i a good person? I am obsessed with the notion and lack there of. Sometimes i feel like the only reason i am good is in bads favor. I am constantly struggling to be better than my emotions. Better than the blood boiling inside me. Better than the monsters i can identify with. Im learning everyone ..well mostly everyone can relate. We all struggle to some degree with our demons but its how we treat the demons that really defines us. Me? I like give thst mother fucker a massage, suck his dick, feed him grapes while telling him hes not all bad...then i listrn to his problems while i let him suck my soul. For some reason, i let bad completely take over me as if nothing ever good comes from being good. Lost the light but not sure if i ever had it to begin with. Mad and evil and seething rage toward the light, infact. Repulsed and angered at the thought. Am i consumed by evil? I thibk its clear i am and theres a piece albeit something tortured inside me begging for the lightto be as good as it raves and save me entirely. Even tho goodness feels like burning alive. How does one exercise a demon? When i was a little kid i had this over powering image in my minds eye of "workers watching me" something dark and evil watching me and controling me. I had this image or one of them having a crush on me..a soft spot...like he was an informant for me, secretly feeding me little cues of information so id always be prepared for what the master would throw at me from the information provided by the "workers". I grew up annoyed by the one worker who had a crush on me. Grew up wanting to please master but at the same time knowing a soul out there knew enough to want to have my back... Resentful that i was in a situation that called for something to have to have myback. What leads a person to have these opac images hovering over reality? I wouldnt say id hear voices..as much as id describe it as information being funneled to me. Before i had that revolation..i had always felt..strange? Different? "Awake". Knew too much before i could have known it. I felt informed. And didnt know why. And like one day...the "workers" protective shield melted or broke or just fell and i became aware of them and that one was looking at me...gravely concerned. Like my fate was ugly. And this worker was trying to prevent it from happening. Does everyine relate to this as well? Ill never understand why my mind and eyes are able to see these things when seemingly everyone else acts as if they dont have these burdains. Maybe we all interpret that particular ideal or occurance or situation or whatever you want to call it, differently. Maybe its something in all of us. Maybe we all are completely aware of our fate and we connect dots in only such a way, uniquely designed, fit together, and evolved due to situational accordance. Mine for whatever reason was alien like forms in a space station watching my life from a 2nd person perspective and one of them communicating to me becuz they liked me so much. Like. What does that even fucking mean? Idk but im 31 years old and ive never been able to shake this way of thinking. Ive known good and evil my whole life. And have been driven by evil since the day i breathed my first gasp of air. Completely aware of good, ive assimilated a belief that good doesnt exist as good but is comfortably disguised as bad. Have i been possessed my whole life? I blame my evil parents. I am their bad seed. As they were united by darkness. Is good disguised as evil? Wellno i wouldnt say as "evil" but i would say its disguised as.....bad, boring, despicable, unworthy, gross..etc. Is that the devil in me saying that? If ita not me...then who the fuck am i away from this evil entity? Do i even have a self? Did i ever? Was i ever happy? Was i ever at a natural and healthy line of wave legnth or was i right out the gate doomed? Can i be saved? I desperately want to. I dont know if thats a plague ill always feel, though. Like a tortured soul wishing it werent the way my life had to be but...it is. Am i, in this form here right now, the result of lack of restraint from a lifetime of temptation? I feel like life is a test and how well u do dictates where you go when your physical form dies off. I am in hell. Rooted? Perhaps. But i am begging for forgiveness. Begging for oppurtunities to make a difference. But again life is a test. I take those tests and i choose the dark side every time. Lately it has all been heightened. Tests ..hard...thick...defined. Obvious. Ive given in toomany times. And the dark side is screaming for me to come back but i feel like idk. I feel like even as much as i want that... I just...i just cant anymore. I feel like maybe ita just time to accept love and light. Even if it feela like im birning alive...maybe ill get a new skin and be a happier person. Check in on me.