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thegentjimmy · 6 years

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DJing, performing and loneliness.

I’ve been meaning to write something about this for a few weeks now. Firstly when I started to feel a little depressed again after months of feeling refreshed and reinvigorated. Secondly, after Avicii died and when a lot of my friends dismissed the situation stating “Oh well, his music was shit anyway.” And finally, during mental health awareness week, when I saw loads of people lighting up my social media, the news, and the world with positive messages that it is ok to feel empty, lost and hopeless sometimes, which is important to hear, even if it does start to sometimes get a little repetitive, acceptance is key - and it seems the world has begun to embrace mental health and the benefits of discussing it and being aware of taking care of our mental well-being in our daily lives.

I’m here to talk about the darker side of my experiences within my job, a job which I love to bits. I get to play music in various forms for a living and I could not be more thankful that this and this alone, mostly pays for my electricity and food and rent. Although it’s not been an easy path, or a quick one - and the route to this situation has been dogged with difficult scenarios, the most difficult of all, constant loneliness.

When I began DJing I didn’t even consider how much solitude and isolation I was entering myself into. I just loved music. My first residency was at a bar called SOYO in Sheffield - where I would play for 4 or 5 hours on a Sunday night. I’d spend hours all day picking out music for the evening, working on my mixes, downloading, researching, picking through old CD’s and vinyl in every charity shop I could find trying to ensure that my sets were interesting and varied every time - although it often didn’t matter because unless a big group of my friends came down to see me play (which they did quite regularly and I can never thank them enough for that) I would just have the general public mouthing off in my ear about playing more Rihanna and turning my shit soul music off.

The flyer for my first ever DJ residency.

My first night at SOYO playing “Mixtape” - I bought all these cassettes for about 5p each in a charity shop and carried them in every week for decoration.

I was also working a “normal” job at the time, in a hotel as a waiter and bar tender. I was offered a second DJ residency and quickly worked out the sums, in two DJ gigs per week, I would be earning more than I would for working 30 hours at the hotel. I took great pleasure in telling my bosses to fuck off on a particularly stretched evening where I was clicked at by a man who hosted celebrity dinners, the particular celebrity this evening was Trigger from Only Fools And Horses. He wanted more champagne. I wanted him to get shat on by a flock of seagulls (the band or a load of angry sea birds) Deciding that was probably not going to happen inside a 3 star hotel, I walked out instead.

Practicing mixes whilst my housemates and I prepared for a night out on the town, no doubt a few beers in. Ironing board was a great DJ booth.

That was the second to last time that I worked as part of a “team” (there’s no ‘I’ in team, but there is an ‘I’ in ‘isolation’) and I’ve only just realised that now, writing this. I threw myself into solitude at work. Not only would I be spending long hours behind the decks picking out records (a lot of which I hated) to try and encourage people to have a good time, slowly honing my craft, earning my stripes - as they say, I would also be on my own during a lot of the day, picking out music for future gigs, emailing people to try and get work, practicing mixes, recording mixes, over and over again to try and prove that I was good enough, chasing up payments that had been promised but never delivered, all the while learning about music history, keeping up with current trends, emerging trends, reading about popular music in all its forms since the pirate radio days of the late 60′s - to 90′s rave and 00′s boy bands, really just attempting to diversify myself as a music collector and human - whilst most of my other friends were at work. And when my friends finished work and invited me out for a pint, for a birthday meal, round to their house to watch a film, or out on a date, I was busy working as many days as I could to make a living doing something that I absolutely adored. And gradually, the invitations stopped coming. And I didn’t even notice. I was obsessed with making playing music, my job. And going out after I finished my job with people that worked in bars and getting pissed because I was so desperate for human interaction. Sadly, a lot of these situations I can’t even remember. There could have been some great ideas discussed, but in all honesty, there probably wasn’t!

My friend Ben travelled back to the UK from New Zealand. It was the first time I had seen him in 5 years, and I was obviously working. He bought us double rums all night. I was very ill the next morning.

Playing the backroom at Replica, Sheffield. My remit was “Dubstep and Electro - cooler more underground music.” I was probably playing 50 Cent - Ayo Technology instead.

There was a point around 5 years ago, when I DJ’d every single day for 3 months straight. And because back then I was only just starting out, most of the gigs I did for free or for very little money. I didn’t have time to go and see my friends. I barely saw my housemates, although we did have some incredibly special moments during those years. Then, I took a job teaching - working in a small team of wonderful individuals and my entire outlook on everything changed. I was happier and fulfilled and I didn’t know why. I wasn’t feeling distant as much, even though this was only a temp job and it paid barely enough to afford food for the week. The interactions with other human beings were worth more than the £50 a shift, more invigorating to my happiness than a big bag of chips and a can of dandelion & burdock.

With the Clothes Line gang - a few Red Stripes in, having a cuddle.

I left Sheffield in 2014 and then my troubles really began. Now living in Leeds, I was short on work there, so travelled back to Sheffield regularly on the M1, via trains, on the National Express - usually alone. I would then DJ alone, for upwards of 5 hours, and then return home, where I would sleep - wake up alone, spend all day alone as my then girlfriend went to work, finding music, chasing gigs - mind constantly whirring, rarely allowing myself time to see friends, to see family or to relax - there were bills to pay and music was the only way I was going to pay them - and I would make it work.

Playing indie bangers at Bumper in Liverpool - I caught the train and after the venue closed at 5am, I waited until 8am for the first train home sat on the steps outside Lime St Station.

I fell into the worst part of my depression after the collapse of two relationships in quick succession - left alone to stew and process that heartbreak and misery for many hours a day as well as the usual non-stop work, travel, work, travel to work, travel work, work and non-stop work, that no-one even noticed that I wasn’t ok, because they were so used to not hearing from me. The assumption was (and still is in many cases) that I was that “funny guy” on their Facebook, that made them laugh or dance when they saw me (probably constantly drunk at this point, because I was absolutely fucking miserable) and not the guy that spent hours and hours on end in bed all day cry-laughing at himself for being a fucking hopeless loser and focussing on all the wrong things in a constant downward spiral of epic proportions.

First ever designated dressing room at The Leadmill in Sheffield.

A wonderful doctor friend of mine, Sarah, recognised I was depressed and encouraged me to visit my GP. I was in the GP for all of ten seconds, before I was dismissed with the NHS depression helpline number and told “It’s about a 6 month wait if you want to talk to someone.” Sarah then took it upon herself to ring me every day, even if it was just for 5 minutes - she’s a true credit to the NHS, her profession and a fucking good mate. She rang me every single day, without fail. She encouraged me to form a focus - and I decided to relocate to Manchester for a fresh start and new challenge.

I’ve since had further help, a course of counselling at which my counsellors immediate opening gambit, when I told her how I was feeling and that I didn’t know why, was to say “Well it sounds like you’re a little bit lonely.” Things clicked pretty fast after that and I realised how important it was to make time to see your loved ones, the very thing I had been missing out on for years.

Solitary figure playing music after our final year films had been screened at university. Palmed my own Dad off on my friends so I could play music most of the night.

I’ve spoken to very few musicians, performers and even photographers/videographers/cruise ship dancers/fridge repair technicians that haven’t told me that at some point during their career they’ve not felt lonely - it goes with the territory of being self-employed or working in the arts/entertainment industry. It’s all “smiles for the gram” then smashing in a fucking gram, to forget that you’re fucking miserable and sat on your own most of the time, scrolling through your phone hoping that someone, anyone messages you with a better offer than “do you fancy sitting on the sofa in your pants going over your setlist for tonight again whilst simultaneously listening to 18 shit house remixes of the latest shit house record that you don’t really like but they’re hammering it on daytime radio so you probably better download it - just incase.”

I’ve started interacting with my DJ pals more and more over the last year or so - and also the bar staff and managers in venues that I work in. Human interaction is hugely important and DJing/photographing/playing live music in bars and clubs can be a very negative environment, particularly when the general public often leave their manners at the door, or on the toilet floor after they’ve smashed in a few lines/tequilas. There’s a whole heap of rejection, huge highs that come out of the blue and big lows that shake you to your core, financially and emotionally - losing gigs sucks, being skint sucks, your favourite venues being forced to close down sucks, realising you’re too old to understand why students like certain songs sucks, being constantly berated and belittled as you just try to do your job on a Saturday night, by drunken wankers that apparently know more about music and the performing of music than you do, yet somehow, they appear to not have been booked to play this particular weekend SUCKS, being used as a cloakroom sucks, having beer spilled all over the thousands of pounds worth of equipment you’ve scrimped and saved for over the years and all over your favourite t-shirt DOUBLY SUCKS and walking out of a bar or club hoping that you’ve done a good job but not really being sure and having to then drive 3 hours home, on your own, via motorway closures, speed restrictions and road kill generally fucking sucks. But you can’t do anything else once that love has gripped you. You will play music until you die, until you breathe your last breath of grotty smoke machine fluid, get your last electric shock from a terrible bashed in plug socket in whatever bashed in, held together with sellotape club/bar you are playing in on the night and float off into the big DJ heaven in the sky, where there is a big sign saying “No morons, no requests, just 100% good music.” It’s in our blood.

DJing is better with mates. Me and the Clothes Line gang at The Harley, the night we found out that we had been nominated for an exposed award.

I’ve also found things that help to combat my loneliness at work, and the best ones are as follows. Having a group chat via social media with other DJ’s/Musicians that are working at the same time as you - sending jokes and laughing at other people’s shit requests in a group is wonderful. We also have socials where we all meet in person and laugh at people and their shit requests. And all the DJ in-jokes come out and we sit and make snide remarks like a bunch of gassed up Beyonce’s. Taking time off from weekend gigs, to socialise with friends, family and my amazing supportive and understanding girlfriend (DJ Widow Numero Uno and the best thing that ever happened to me) - I now try and plan my calendar a few weeks/months in advance so I can book these occasions in. Plus it gives you something to look forward to on the weekends/whatever other anti-social hours you are working. Taking time to try and engage with the public when they’re making requests (to a certain extent - I don’t let people take the piss!) cos as before, human interaction (even with drunk strangers that want you to play Cotton Eye Joe because it’s Sharon’s birthday and she’s 45) = Hugely important.

The SXC Bois DJ massive on a social in Manchester.

Also I’ve very much enjoyed collaborating during music making, or music playing once or twice a month, so I’m not just sat on my own making weird pop music in our back bedroom. Most importantly, taking a bit of time away from music (although it is the second most important thing in my entire life) to engage in other activities. If you’re like me and your entire focus is on one thing and it engulfs your entire existence, it can become a bit exhausting, particularly for your friends who really, REALLY don’t care who you think the next best UK underground trip-hop swing crossover band are going to be, they just don’t care. They want to talk about the football. Go and watch the football. Music/work will be waiting when you get back.

Collaborating with Duncan Vaughan, performing as Klixz for the first time, February 2018, at The Tuesday Club, Sheffield.

The invitations aren’t flying in thick and fast, but I think that some of my closer friends have now started to realise that I’m not just constantly busy these days and I do want to see them and socialise and have fun. I always have, I just didn’t make them aware of it very well. And life is busy and sometimes things get in the way of hanging out with one another, but laughing at inappropriate jokes with good friends over a decent cup of tea will always make me happier than playing Darude - Sandstorm to a festival crowd of 2,000 people adorned with glowsticks. Well, it’s kind of 50/50 actually. But you can do both, on the same day, if you’re really clever.

I hope this advice helps someone, even if it just makes you chuckle thinking about me hiding under my duvet severely depressing having a cry whilst at the same time laughing myself for how pathetic I am. Whether you’re just starting out or years into a career in music - loneliness is a real issue in the music industry and beyond - as if a constant fear of inadequacy, perfectionism, constant rejection, living hand to mouth, threat of going deaf and never being able to hear music again, venues closing and your car insurance premiums rising through the roof isn’t enough to send you over the edge, add in total unabridged loneliness to the bundle and you’ve got an unhappy sandwich soaked in misery dripping right there. But you don’t have to eat it. You always have a choice.

Fuck loneliness.

Your pal,

Jimmy x

Useful links:

24/7 helpline for musicians suffering with mental health issues:

https://www.musicmindsmatter.org.uk/

Musician meetup - if you’re in a new area and looking for someone to natter about Lou Reed and do a bit of jamming with:

https://www.meetup.com/topics/musicians/?_cookie-check=UiZDil7HvilO41v0

Musician’s Union - fighting for better lives for musicians everyday and a whole host of other useful links and help:

https://www.musiciansunion.org.uk/

The Samaritans - free phone number 116123 (UK)

https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us?gclid=Cj0KCQjwxtPYBRD6ARIsAKs1XJ5sL3-1_5YZp5YtWVhvwwnPIWkzdNs4rqLCMML72ZB6es__6mne5IsaAjnfEALw_wcB

Thanks for reading! <3

#music #musician #mental health #depression #dj blog #djlife #dj's #performer #sheffield #manchester

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