Why is harvey wearing noise canceling headphones during the fireworks?

fireworks and veterans aren't a pretty pair

rahhh i am so excited for college i could seriously burst at the seams but i am also so NERVOUS

there's just so much swirling around in my mind and sometimes i'll get so wrapped up in one corner of the swirl that i forget about the rest of it until i realize "holy shit oh yeah there's more to be mindful of." like im constantly forgetting and remembering how much is going on and how much is coming

there's the anticipation of getting ready to dorm. figuring out what i'll need and what i want. and im worried because i havent seen what my dorm will really look like in person other than pictures online. but i'm a really visual person so seeing the dorm in person would help give a visual perspective of how much space i have, which will inform me of what i should buy for the space i have. it'll give me ideas on how to decorate, and just things like that. so it's nerve wracking. thinking about what i can buy for as cheap but effective as possible and how i plan to store my belongings. it's a little fun because i can picture how i WANT the room to be when i get lost in wormholes, looking at dorm essentials and decors on amazon and all. i love daydreaming so that part is fun. but then i remember that im still pretty clueless to if what im envisioning will actually work and it just makes me feel uncertain about when move in day actually comes. and i want move in day to go as smoothly as possible because i know i have a bunch of other stuff to be worried about, so i want to feel settled and comfortable in at least one area of this college process yk? and there are other dorm-related worries like, i havent gotten in contact with all my roommates yet but i need to find out if any of them are renting a microfridge so that we all dont bring one each and end up with 4 fridges in the same small space. i also havent really figured out what aesthetic i want for my space so that's something. i love my space to have personality - a lot of me in it. personal references to my experiences and things i like. i dont have much decorative freedom in my own room right now at home - but i say ive managed to make it as personable as i can with little knickknacks and things. i'd define my room as very very tame clutter core. and i like clutter core, but i also know that my clutter is because i cant buy the cute aesthetic pretty things i want. now that i kinda maybe ?? have the freedom to buy those things - will that cancel out my tendency to design in a clutter core way ?? idk, im still figuring out my aesthetic but i just hope it goes okay. i also have to figure out where to buy things. a lot i can get from the basic dollar tree or five below. other stuff - big stuff, i still have to figure out. like a 3-tier cart thing, a desk hutch - but a cute one :/, little fake plants cause god knows i cant take care of real ones for the life of me. but yeah that's one area of my mind right now.

another area of my college-infested brain right now is welcome week and settling in once school actually starts. getting adjusted to my classes and schedule without burning out you know? but still making time to meet people so i'm not too alone and confused. but also making time to give myself a breather from the college stress and just take care of myself. i'll have to find a balance. so that's something i'm a little worried about. i tend to burn out really easily.

i'm thinking about seeing my bestfriend as soon as i can because i really miss them. they said they'd visit and help me decorate and they'd bring me a "dorm-warming" gift which they made up LMAO. so sweet. i love them with my whole heart. the dorm stuff wil be fun, but i also wanna get away from college and just spend time with them so that's something im thinking about - cause i'll have to balance that with getting adjusted to school and still taking care of myself too.

i'm thinking about financial and health things !!! loose ends for school before it starts. my school requires you to be covid vaxxed to attend so i just got my first shot this past week and my second dose is gonna be the exact day after move in day. i dont know if that's gonna mess with my ability to attend ?? but hopefully not because it'll be like 3 days before the official first day of classes. i also dont know if my dad sent in my required health forms or not, but i dont wanna ask because he's a cranky old man and doesn't like it when you ask him questions. he just wants you to trust that it's taken care of, but i still cant help but worry because how do i know it's taken care of if i dont SEE it being taken care of ? if you dont tell me or show me ? so i'm thinking about that and just hoping he's tying up the loose ends. and then financial stuff too. i know he applied for fafsa / financial aid and i just saw an email that my decision was made and all so i think that's all done. but i still have a student bill that's due to be fully payed on the 10th unless you get a payment plan. and i dont know if he filed for a payment plan or not. again, he expects that i just trust he'll do what he has to, but i still cant help but have it nagging my mind. if im not 100% certain that responsibilities are taken care of, they will bite at my brain worms like the most annoying mosquitos. as for other financial things that are more in my hands ?? im also thinking about the back to school expenses of dorm room shopping hhh. that's gonna be a hefty bill and i dont know when my parents are gonna let me start buying either. if i buy anything online, it has to be early so that it delivers in time. then im thinking about my future expenses DURING school - paying for little groceries like fruits and snacks and microwave foods for the dorm. buying food occassionally when i feel like it or going out with friends or traveling to the city or visiting home. the expenses of going shopping because i'll wanna make my wardrobe more personal now that i'll have the freedom too. i can already see myself spending so much money once school starts. AND I NEED TO TAKE A LOAN OUT ON A CAR TOO GAH. because i definitely need to learn to drive asap because driving around will cut my travel expenses by a gajillion please. the campus offers work and work-study programs and they have a site and program that i can look into that on, but i cant access it right now because mom is limiting me resourcefully. i need my phone to do that two-factor authentification thing to open my student email. through my student email i can register my account for the campus work search program. but i cant do any of that because i dont have my phone to do the two-factor thing. im worried about getting a job early in the school year anyways because i already know how overwhelmed im going to get - juggling a job for the first time ever, adjusting to school, adjusting to a new life with new freedom and meeting new people and still making time for myself. i really really really dont wanna burn out. but i dont wanna go broke EITHER. so i need a job. and i wanna start exploring right now but i cant because mom is on her b.s. so it's just frustrating. and i need my phone for the other reason of contacting my roommates too. hhh.

anyways. college on da brain asf.

- 8.2.22 | 9:24 AM -

I saw in one of your tags that you mentioned how 21 pilots made emo pretentious and im actually curious about why you say that (not hate i just never knew about them that much)

my friend you have asked me about a topic i am very knowledgeable and very angry about so prepare yourself for what you have wrought

it isnt just twenty one pilots but theyre just the biggest and most popular example

like. take my chemical romance in the early-mid 2000s aka the peak of emo. it was very melodramatic and theatrical, the way emo should be. there was a presence of “we are not like other people” in a lot of the songs, but it was never just that. it was more of a “we have been cast out and we kinda suck but thats okay.” one of the best examples of this is, ironically, i’m not okay.

take, for example, the opening to the mtv music video:

[Ray] You like D&D, Audrey Hepburn, Fangoria, Harry Houdini and croquet. You can't swim, you can't dance and you don't know karate. Face it, you're never gonna make it. [Gerard] I don't wanna make it, I just wanna...

this immediately establishes the song as being about social outcasts and people who dont fit the mold. the fucking tag line of the song is “i’m not okay” ffs, that really tells you all you need to know about the song. but the important thing is it doesnt take itself too seriously either. the music video takes place in a private school, and shows scenes of the band members eating lunch alone, being bullied by jocks and preps, etc., but it ALSO shows scenes of frank putting swim goggles on in chemistry class and ray drawing on his test with a crayon and then licking it, and at the end they all ambush and beat the shit out of a guy in a mascot costume. all of this is cut up by text saying things like “if you ever felt alone” “if you ever felt wronged” “if you ever felt anxious”

do you see the juxtaposition here? the music video could very very easily be a fake deep bullying psa, but its not, because while theyre getting bullied and playing their music in a garage they are also, unequivocally, total fucking losers for obvious comedic effect. it is a very exaggerated and lighthearted version of real phenomena, which makes it more relatable to a wider audience.

the same can be said about the song itself. it has some pretty heavy and angsty lyrics (”i’m not o-fucking-kay”) but the instrumentals are punchy and energetic and catchy and gerard’s vocal delivery is very theatrical but also very deliberate and he still puts real emotion in the words. it sounds like its taking the piss out of not being okay, which is exactly what i as a clinically depressed 13 year old needed, and i bet a lot of other people can say the same. i’m a loser and thats okay. i fucking suck in school and thats okay. i feel shitty and thats okay. i’m not okay and that, in itself, is okay.

with twenty one pilots, on the other hand, there is no theatrics, theres no taking the piss, theres no over-the-top melodrama that made emo what it was. 

take, for comparison, the opening lines of heathens:

All my friends are heathens, take it slow Wait for them to ask you who you know Please don't make any sudden moves You don't know the half of the abuse

and this presents, immediately, one of my biggest criticisms of twenty one pilots: their rampant appropriation of mental illness.

because my first thought when hearing this is as an abuse survivor and someone with ptsd they can kiss every single square inch of my ass.

Welcome to the room of people Who have rooms of people that they loved one day Docked away Just because we check the guns at the door Doesn't mean our brains will change from hand grenades You're loving on the psychopath sitting next to you You're loving on the murderer sitting next to you You'll think, "How'd I get here, sitting next to you?"

they try to do the same kind of nuanced poetic lyrics that my chemical romance did and in my opinion is just doesnt fucking work because they take themselves SO. FUCKING. SERIOUSLY. it sounds JOYLESS. 

and the song closes out with this:

Why'd you come? You knew you should have stayed (It's blasphemy) I tried to warn you just to stay away (Away) And now they're outside ready to bust (To bust) It looks like you might be one of us

this is what i mean by pretentious. there is a clear separation of the person/people from whose point of view the song is told and the people the song is meant to be listened to by from the greater population, but theres no high energy or comedic self deprecation to counteract it. 

now take some lyrics from heavydirtysoul, a song i actually really like the sound of, im not just shitting on this band bc its not to my taste yall:

There's an infestation in my mind's imagination I hope that they choke on smoke 'cause I'm smoking them out the basement This is not rap, this is not hip-hop Just another attempt to make the voices stop

Nah, I didn't understand a thing you said If I didn't know better I'd guess you're all already dead Mindless zombies walking around with a limp and a hunch Saying stuff like, "You only live once." You've got one time to figure it out One time to twist and one time to shout One time to think and I say we start now Sing it with me if you know what I'm talking about

right back at it again with that appropriation of mental illness symptoms! and some dumbass critique of our generation that doesnt fit in with the rest of the song at all, closing out the verse with “we are not like you” shit. the vocal delivery at least has more energy than heathens, but the lyrics just feel like a mishmash of different points theyre trying to make that have nothing to do with each other.

the best line of the song is undoubtedly “death inspires me like a dog inspires a rabbit” but its poetic just... for the sake of being poetic? its one of those lyrics that sounds like someone came up with and was like “bro we gotta put that in a song” but then couldnt actually figure out how to fit it into a song in a way that would flow. another example of this is “i cant drown my demons they know how to swim” in bring me the horizon’s can you feel my heart. not shitting on bring me the horizon, i really like sempiternal, but thats another line thats just poetic for the sake of being poetic. and to be put on t-shirts. i know this because when i was 12 i had a shirt that said “i cant drown my demons they know how to swim” on it.

i could do more analysis on other mcr songs, namely welcome to the black parade and famous last words, but i would be here for literal hours and idk if people actually care that much.

to sum my points up:

they take themselves too seriously. they appropriate and romanticize mental illness (forgot to mention that top’s website, at one time, described their music as “schizoid pop” lol). they pull a lot of “We Are Not Like Other People..,.,.,,...” shit. 

that last point is not inherently a bad thing, for example the new slipknot album is literally called “we are not your kind” but the song that contains that line as a lyric is all out life, and corey taylor is screaming that entire song and the instrumentals are reminiscent of speed metal with how fucking energetic they are. its edgy and its GREAT. twenty one pilots just sounds like they think theyre the shit.

also, and i want you to read the following sentence in a bass boosted voice to best understand how i feel when i say this:

the twenty one pilots cover of cancer is an embarrassment that completely misses the point of the original song and changed it into a weird amalgamation of lo-fi synth pop.

emo music is dead. thank u and goodnight.

i just woke up, it’s close to noon here, five hours is good enough i guess. i keep thinking about college and how fucking suicidally depressed i was then and how ive spent half of this year being unemployed and generally just struggling to take care of myself in the most banal and basic ways possible, and how depression really does just delete years from your life. you live through them in a daze,  you’re already a ghost, you’re already dead. questing in wrath of the lich king is honestly some of the last shit i remember concretely before going into a two year gray area of passing my classes and nothing else. i remember breaking up with my boyfriend because he chose raiding over me. i dont want to talk about it again. the memory is still painful. still, even still, ten years later. and in late 2008 i was attacked in my dorm room and i was screaming and my roommates thought i was being a big ol slut. they thought any guy that came over was someone i was fucking. when i went to blizzcon in 2008 and my brother stayed in my dorm they thought i was fucking him too until i told them he was my little brother. they tried so fucking hard to suppress my interests and make me “like them”. “there’s more to life than world of warcraft and pokemon” they said as if going to college basketball games and rewatching disney movies has any more enrichment or depth beyond what i was fucking doing. my life is so full of hatred, from myself, from other people, just being fostered in me in general, and it’s only within the last few years that i’ve gotten to heal from it at all, all the time being hurt more and more

i was talking to a friend yesterday who is just 19 and thinking about where i was when i was 19, which of course puts me in 2009 again, the year i dropped out of existence, and i was telling them about how i was essentially raised by the ilk of 4chan and the piece of shit community on wow that, like, since i’m around ~liberal genderqueer~ tumblr-type spaces all the time, genuinely shocks me to remember still exists, of those fucking hypermasculine overcompensating military dudes. and we were talking about how like, nerds in general tend to have shit social skills or anxiety or are Othered in ways that have them reinforce this piece of shit pecking order where the loudest and meanest proclaim themselves the Leader and everyone just follows them because theyre too meek to challenge them or they mistake arrogance for confidence and assume any asshole crowing that loud about how Right they are all the time Must Be Right. 

and i thought of my own life, my ex QP, my old friend groups, my abusive ex boyfriend, how i mistook so long their malice as strength, how i was duped by their self-aggrandizement. they had no skills, no talents, no girlfriend (except when i dated them), no women in their lives in general, no real friends they could count on (except, for my abuser, an older man with 3 children and a brand new divorce whose house he muscled and manipulated himself into—”i cant even bear to be in the old master bedroom anymore”—and my abuser promptly MOVED HIMSELF INTO IT) no hobbies, and the one or two hobbies that they had—fishing, video games—they were fucking less-than-passable at. my ex-qp wasn’t good at video games. he would use cheat codes or just play the strongest character and rely on everyone else to pick up his slack. warrior, carry, tank, what have you; all of us his underlings to support him to victory—”I’m doing all of the damage and getting none of the kills”—he would whine, oblivious to the concept of teamwork and seeking credit within the only realm he had a semblance of succeeding in. 

anyway so when i first joined tumblr i swung the pendulum in the other direction because i absolutely had to, it was for my survival to become a virulent feminazi as they put it, and i was obnoxious about it, and i reposted rape statistics all the time and challenged people all the time because i had to. i had to let it overtake me in order to purge all of the 10+ years of toxic social conditioning that places like 4chan and their little infestations in WoW and all of my abusive partners instilled in me. i had to be vocal about rape this and sexual assault that because i spent the better part of my adolescence trying to laugh away the fact that i was raped as a child, trying to make jokes about my “delicious flat chest” and pedobear and “surprise buttsecks/it’s not rape if you yell surprise” and “delicious loli”; some of the images i had willingly saved on my ancient hard drive are absolutely harrowing to go through now as an adult knowing my mushy impressionable 14 year old traumatized mind was trying to cope with and gloss over what had happened to me and with the future i was facing as a budding adolescent in this kind of environment. men didnt want to be responsible for what happened to me or with what would happen to me, it made them uncomfortable for me to talk about it, so i was told to laugh it away, that nobody cares that i was raped, that i was stronger if i could just laugh about it, that no topics were beyond reproach or off limits, and that if i wasnt desensitized to my own suffering then i was weak, i was a sheep, i was a burden, i was letting my emotions get the better of me.

obviously, tumblr as a whole DIRECTLY acts in opposition of this: everything is rooted in our traumas, which we are expected to lay bare for all to be taken seriously: 4chan demanded that we invalidate the trauma by making a joke of it and allowing the masses to pick it apart for their own entertainment, to become part of the anonymous “legion” by offering up our individuality to be consumed by the group (as a currency of “lulz”, basically); tumblr, reflexively, demands we validate the trauma by making it an open and public integral asset to our identity, to have easily digestible and categorized characteristics so as to fit into the tumblr hierarchy of needs, their own misinterpreted facsimile and microcosm of existing systematic oppression, and obtain a sort of fixed currency of privilege or “woke points” dependent on identity politics. so i definitely needed to purge my previous conditioning with this reclamation of my identity as a survivor, etc, and had about 7 years of misplaced anger and fury condensed into a good two or so years instead, and even now im still parsing details. 

it wasnt until i was 22 that i had even heard the term asexuality and it wasnt until i was 25 that i realized i was bi (or “could be” bi), even though i had already been in love with and sexually active with women years prior lmao. i had been told by every possible source that having a dick inside me would change my life and change my outlook and change me into a better person or whatever the fuck, that i would “understand” and “grow up” and “become a woman” or whatever and guess what it did fucking NOTHING, just like every teen drama romance or whatever tries to stress over and over, sex is not a magical lifechanging event that hands you a million dollars and a healthy brain. it changes your life in some ways and it’s definitely not something to be taken lightly but in no way is it a cure for anything.

i dont know where i’m going with this, im just fucking pissed off about my life, im pissed off that healing takes so long and that i had to do any of it in the first place. im so pissed about all of my time wasted with this fucking piece of shit body and fucking piece of shit brain and i wish i could just go back to work and be a functional human being but im like just a short leap away from doing any of that. i have to get in touch w my previous HMO once the new year starts now that im confirmed for medi-cal, and i should have done it months ago, but i have to just accept that this whole time ive been not USELESS but just utterly CONSUMED by self-preservation, that it is taking most of my effort to want to be alive and stay on this planet any longer. especially now with my teeth bugging me so bad because i cant fucking take care of myself so im grinding my teeth and clenching my jaw and i guess eating improperly or what have you idont fucking know. im going to buy a waterpik even though it’s fifty dollars and i have not made ANY MONEY in the last 6 months or done ANY of what i wanted to do and i still have a number of commissions needling at me that i genuinely like cant fucking even look at withotu fucking hitting myself and crying, and im seriously not trying to make fucking excuses, i am so fucking ashamed and consumed by self-hatred about this, this has been a problem for me SINCE COLLEGE where i was an ART MAJOR that i had to fucking beat the shit out of myself to try to draw anything “seriously”, and i do mean literally beating myself, bludgeoning myself with my morris sticks and smacking myself in the face/head and clawing at my skin, and i fucking hate it

i just know i need like SO MUCH recovery or healing or whatever the fuck, i feel so long overdue for very basic shit, and part of me feels like a withering plant, like pouring water over dry leaves thinking it’s just going to saturate itself and be instantly rejuvenated. im losing leaves in the process, as it were, and getting no “water” all this time. i feel like i’m in drought mode. these last six months are me basically conserving all i have, toeing away from the edge of the cliff because iw as so ready yall i was so fucking ready, i was ready to jump off, i spent whole lunch hours just ready to fucking leap, staring down the void, staring at the winding road that went up the mountain, staring at the deer who stared back at me, hiding my face from Adults who treated me like a wind-up doll, i just couldnt take it, ic ouldnt be somewhere that sterile, i couldnt be spending so much of my life getting so little back, i coudlnt see my friends ever, i couldnt breathe, but in general my brain is sick and i need to heal from all of these things, i need to figure out how i can cope with being alive because i am going to be alive at least a little longer and i need to not fear and crave death simultaneously. i do not want to die, I DO NOT want to die, but i cannot live in a constant state of recuperating. my life has just felt like the Shutting Down... screen for the last 2 years. 

NEED a new dentist NEED my teeth fixed PLEASE GOD open the stem cell dentin treatment to clinics worldwide GOD fix my TEETH PLEASE let me REGROW my TEETH NEED therapy NEED to fix my brain NEED to figure out how i can cope with being unable to support myself in this shit fucking economy NEED TO RECOVER NEED TO GET BETTER PLEASE IM FUCKING SUFFERING 

I was with someone who acted like they absolutely adored me. They loved the way i sang, my music, my humor, my ideas about life, and he would always tell me how good i smelled and looked. He said he wanted to marry me and have babies together. A life. We were friends for many years. He proposed the second week we got together.

Then the control started. He told me he couldn't deal with a long distance relationship because my dad was retiring and moving to Michigan and he told me to just move in with him. He saw the extent of my items (a roomfull) and said there was no problem at all. My best friend helped me move in and suddenly he started asking where all this crap was gonna go. I was thrown off but brushed it away and made everything look more clean and organized then before i got there.

Our romantic relationship had already started rocky. We were buddies who smoked a lot of pot together. He would hit on me even though he had a gf and before that i would always laugh at the thought of us together. He was about 5 years younger than me. I remember us having a shot on his 21st at the local watering hole. He didnt drunk much. His girlfriend also had a few years to go to be at the bar.

I was with my boyfriend for about 2 years. Hes cheated, lied, talked to girls behind my back, my friends, made out with a girl in front of me once. I had to be held back to not beat the fuck out of both of them. But we made it through. He was an alcoholic and a coke head. But he works hard on the boat for months at a time so hes always forgiven. He says he was fat and bullied as a child, but his teenage and young adult life made him seem like the real bully. The way he treated me was always like a bully felt.

Leave for the boat and i would always wait patiently. Comes home and acts like a complete buffoon with no ambition. Just to party and go to the bar while i drove. So most nights i spent alone confused and depressed.

I would find a temporary escape with my sweet marijuana who i got a killer deal from the boy i began the story with. One day my boyfriend and i ended up there together one night and i was really tired. Im pretty sure it was Halloween and i was dressed like a schoolgirl. I napped while they did dmt together with a few other ppl.

Forward a bit i find out my bf had gone behind my back and was getting fucked and sucked while i was at work by some red headed nasty old tramp i used to work with. Shattered i tried making it work but i couldnt anymore.

There was my buddy. Now working at the same dispensary as me. Flirting. Making me feel good about myself. As i was shattered. He said him and his girl werent doing well. I tried staying away. He wanted to be in my life. I couldnt resist.

I broke it off with my bf, he was still with his gf. I went to drop my key off and tried staying away from my ex and he lured me with words i wanted to hear into our bed. I rolled over to a text that said. " i broke up with her"

I was fucked. I didnt even want to be with my ex. But i didnt want to lie. I picked him up after and told him the truth. He said i was disgusting and all this other nasty shit. I almost drove us off the road i was in complete hysteria.

We cooled off. Ended up together. Moved in. Engaged.

I wasnt really allowed to talk to any boys. Barely any girls. I told him i was bisexual and he said not when im with him im not.

He was always going through my phone. Questioning. Pressing. Digging. Blocking. Deleting. I didnt care. I felt like i deserved it.

I went to Michigan to visit my family. He had my other phone that mirrored my current phone. Always checking in on me. The time in Michigan i should have had, the last month i had with my aunt unknowingly, was wasted arguing almost 24/7 about my past present and future. When i had no way of knowing what he was doing when i was gone. Which i found out after we broke up that he was fucking around on me driving around my fucking car. Also he said if i didnt wuit smoking cigarettes we would not be together. So i quit. It was hard as fuck. When i landed back in oregon i had one cigarette left. He crushed it in his hand. We fought the whole way home. He was also driving without knowing where he was going.

We went to Hawaii. He was a nightmare. My friend died when we were there. He said dont let it ruin my time. He constantly had me in tears. When it was ending he was nagging in my ear saying he was going to fuck my best friends so i socked him in the head 5 times. Before that i tried to leave after he told me to gtfo and then pushed me hard back on the bed. One morning we woke up and he shattered my bong. Never got me a new one. Was always and is still sitting on money that he got from selling pot.

Anyways. My ex and i ended up back together because he said all the right things again. Now im stuck with an alcoholic cokehead bf who has done me so wrong and tried to say he would make it all better. When all he does is stay up late drinkin and doing shitty coke shitting his brains out buying guns and other shit for himself constantly leaving a mess never cleaning it up but always saying hes bored. Sita on the fucking couch all day playing games on his phone and whatever the fuck else he does. He tells me to run for the hills and i fucking will. But then says he knows i will be the mother of his children. Doesnt even have a shred of me on his social media. Doesnt follow me on instagram because i called a stripper put he was friends with and lied about and got all fuckin butthurt about it. Too much sketchy shit. I get nothing but pain from this. He doesnt care about what kind of big dreams i have or what i like all he fucking cares about is himself and his dog, who i feed and give medicine to and take potty while he sleeps in all day and is lazy on the couch. Must be nice. He also tells me to just relax when this house used to be infested with rats then we killed them and i hsd to clean up the poop. To this day he says its not a big deal.

.

Also. His "best friend" is a girl he lost his virginity to and shes been huh is bartender for years always overserving him. They are besties and have so much in common and have constantly belitted me for being younger then them. They are in their early 30s and im 27... but i have to be comfortable with them talking all the time and she fucking hates me AND my mom. Shes a petty little bitch that needs her ass wooped.

Tbc..

Either way imma be ok and imma figure it out. Im just so twisted. I even told him im fucking done with this shit and i think he thinks im not serious when im not fucking around anymore