Dont mind me venting and rambling about how being here has affected my mental health:

Hours ago it was the 8th of August which would have been my dog Buddha's 14th birthday (he crossed the rainbow bridge back in 2020). I like to think I am one to hold my composure/stoic about my feelings but I still find myself bursting into tears when I think of him. 2 years of not having him in my life still hurts like hell. If I wasn't stuck here in UAE and back in Canada I would make a dog friendly cake which I would present to Nala my current dog who would appreciate a treat even though she has no concept of time and is not aware of her brother having a birthday regardless and take her to one of the nice parks in memory of my old dog. But I'm not there and my sister and I are currently feeding the 4 stray dogs that like to hang around the family home. My sister and I bought some beef liver and some mcdonalds burgers that we teared up and put on some paper plates for them to eat which they obviously happily eat. We thought they should have something "nice" instead of the usual kibble and scraps we feed them. And for us humans got some small cakes that we enjoyed.

It's a small happiness for these animals. Otherwise while I'm happy about making sure these dogs (and cats too) are fed my heart is still breaking at the idea of the fate of these strays and im very aware about UAE's stance in stray animals. I'm aware this is the life they have always known and I made the big mistake of growing attached to them (considering my sister got me involved so i can't back out of this regardless). I didn't want to be attached but considering the proximity of me seeing them everyday guess who sorta tears up whenever the strays are being affectionate towards me?

The most I feel we could do other than feed them is at least get them TNR spay/neutered so they won't multiply they are pretty well fed for strays since other than myself and my sister feeding them the locals around the neighborhood feed them to.

And I guess we want the impossible to happen as in to get them adopted/fostered back to Canada or so if not UAE (since we have reaally bad luck for a shelter to take them in since all rescues and such are full). I have actually gone to every social media I have (I'm not proud I have those but my sister thinks since I am more immersed in the internet more than her has been urging me to do it which I have and felt like I made a fool of myself but I did the best I can).

There is a 95% chance we may never find someone to take them in at all and it saddens me. It's sad because I feel these animals deserve a good life that doesn't involve surviving for food and staying away from the heat. I dont know how destroyed I'll be mentally after this cause I've gone too deep with this considering it's just my sister and I helping them and everyone family wise around us are basically making us feel we are wrong helping these dogs and cats instead of like ignoring them considering they are within proximity of the family home that we regularly interact with them so it's impossible to ignore them.

Maybe because I had the privilege of living in a western country (Canada) that probably cares more for animals than where I am right now (UAE) but but is it wrong of my sister and I to want to help them? Even if it's at least to spay/neuter them? I don't know what's going to happen to them but I sure as he'll that my sister and I are going to do the best we can that these strays are fed well as long as we are here in UAE. Regardless I probably need to get therapy after this considering not only the stress of dealing with the strays there's also stupid family drama bullshit that I contemplated why I even bothered to agree to coming here in the first place when I know I'm going to be facing heartbreak and sadness all over like slap some clown makeup on me and call me Bobo the fool....I just wish things were easier cause I can't compart my feelings and priorities in boxes out of this.

so i ran out of meds on monday bc im a Fool, and the pharmacy wasn’t able to do a same-day refill like they usually do, so i was predictably Kinda Fucked Up that night and most of Tuesday which wasn’t super fun but whatever

the problem is it didn’t immediately improve like it has in past after I manage to take my meds?? like i was expecting wednesday to maybe still be a lil weird and it was but it literally has not stopped??

i’ve been disassociating on and off all week, mostly lowkey but its been pretty bad at times ://

& i’ve been suuuper tired too more than just usual summer heat tired, kinda verging on depression tired?? so i’m like, am I not getting enough sleep?? am i fighting off what would otherwise be a major depressive episode?? is there something different about this batch of meds???

i mean like I am Stressed(tm) rn bc i still dont have a fucking job and im broke as shit but this doesn’t feel like anxiety usually does?? so idfk whats going on