Today is like the last hot-ish day (not hot is wearing leggings without sweating) and good timing because girlie is having body issues more than normal

venting on main // ed tw

i tend to think in circles and act like the world is ending, like my brain is trapped in a cycle.

ex: omg having an ed is literally so miserable im going to die for a weight that i know will never make me happy --> omg lolz i should impulse binge --> i hate my body so much god why can’t i just be skinny it’s all i want omg --> i don’t deserve to eat why am i like this i’m the worst person in the entire world everyone is so sick of me i should just kms --> i’m never eating again *fasts for like 3 days and acts like it’s the end of the world* and then repeat back to the starting line

but now im at every stage in the cycle at once

i had a few safe foods that i could always count on, but now i’m genuinely afraid of them, like the thought of eating them makes me really anxious and now the only things i can feel ok with are egg whites, leafy greens and cucumbers

my brain literally convinced itself to be afraid of fat free yogurt/fat free stringcheese/egg yolks/literally the thinnest most reduced calorie bread i’ve ever seen

and i was like genuinely afraid of eating in general and going like ‘omg im such a burden etc.’ and also at the same time i don’t have an ed nope nope nope im faking for attention

and i couldn’t talk to anyone about it

and that sucks.

like, i see a lotta media where when characters reveal they sh/have an ed they get loads a sympathy and stuff, but i don’t

it’s my fault anyways, i drive people away by being to open to them and the minute they comment on it i snap shut like a venus fly trap and never talk to them about how i feel and just constantly drain myself listening to their bs drama acting like im not about to pass out

and idk, it kind of sucks to see other ppl (even fictional) getting help, bc i know for a fact that even if i wanted to get better, i’d sabotage myself in front of a therapist because of how afraid i am of going to the hospital

i can feel myself getting worse every day and i’m really scared, and for some reason yesterday i forced myself to eat and even though i had a pretty little amount of calories i still feel guilty because i didn’t exercise and i could’ve just kept fasting

i’ve just got a lot on my mind and idk

this isn’t me begging for someone to talk to, i don’t have much to talk about 

Phil’s Hippo Adventure

I wrote this before Dan’s ill fated Day Trip to the Bahamas. In fact, I wrote it this past December. A bit of light hearted fun, in July. Enj

Title: Phil's Hippo Adventure

Summary: Wherein Phil gets a Hippo for Christmas, and Dan loses his shit, and tries to figure out what to do with it. Hopefully a short and sweet little holiday fic.

Disclaimer: I am not associated with Dan and Phil. Please don't sue me.

Rating: PG/T/K (Because Dan swears...A LOT!)

Christmas Eve....The rave tree was up, the tinsel was strewn about on it, and it was twinkling merrily. Dan had just finished his remix of their personal Christmas song, 'Bauble In Your Foot/Eye', and now they were sipping cocoa and watching anime films. Feet propped up on the coffee table. Dan in no socks, but really comfy slippers, and Phil wearing his warmest socks. Because it was freezing in the flat, and the fire was helping, but only just. "Well Phil, it's Christmas Eve, are you going to do what you always do?" Dan asked. "What? Sleep on the couch next to the fireplace waiting for Santa?" Phil asked, his eyes wide with anticipation. "Sure...." Dan's voice trailed off. "Yup! Look! Milk and biscuits, and carrots for the reindeer. I'm so excited!" Phil's voice was going at about fifteen kms per second. "Calm down Phil. You know Santa won't visit if you're awake. And I bet the reindeer will be hungry," Dan tried to be the voice of reason. Phil gave him a pout. "But I won't be awake, I'll be sleeping. I just like it when he comes to visit. I wonder if he'll get me what I really, really, REALLY want this year," Phil mused. "What'd you ask for this year?" Dan asked. "I've been singing the song," Phil studied his friend, hoping he'd get it. "You've been singing Jingle Bells a lot. Did you ask for a bell?" Dan countered. "Nope," Phil shook his head. "A partridge in a pear tree?" Dan guessed. "Uh-uh," Phil shook his head again. "A manger?" Dan questioned, his thumb and forefinger under his chin in a thinking pose. "Wrong," Phil said, and he made a comfortable nest on the sofa, after muting and turning off the television. "Well this is making my head hurt," Dan replied, as he made for his bedroom. "What if I really got a hippopotamus for Christmas," Phil's reply brought the twenty-five year old up short, and he about faced back to the lounge. "What the what?" Dan crinkled his eyebrows at his best friend. "I asked for a hippo," Phil said. "Phil! You can't have a hamster. What makes you think you can have a hippo? Where would we keep it? It'd eat our rave tree! And it'd smash through the floor. There is no way you're getting a hippo," Dan tried to reason. "But what if it happens?" Phil asked. Dan covered his face with his hand and shook his head. "I will completely lose my shit, and I will find us a new place to live. Because if that happened our landlord would definitely kick us out. And we'll definitely never get our deposit back!" Dan felt like this conversation would never end. "It could happen though. Santa's a very magical being. He even brought Comet into my house. I saw the evidence, there was a nub of a carrot in my lounge," Phil said, a bit defencively. "OMG Phil! No. The reindeer stay on the roof, Santa brings them their carrots, and then he leaves proof," Dan answered, his two hands now at the sides of his face in complete disbelief and horror at what was taking place. He should've been used to these conversations by now. But it seemed that every year, Phil would bring a new level of craziness with his absolute love of Christmas. "We could reinforce the kitchen, put up a kinder gate, and I could feed her lettuce leaves and carrots year round. And I could buy a tin tub, and bathe her. Did you know, that hippos like massages too?" Phil was overflowing with information. Dan put a hand over his heart. For the love of.... "Sh! SH! You Can't Have A Hippo! Santa would never grant such a ludicrous request!" Dan finally managed. Sometimes he wondered who was older. Him or Phil. Most times it was hard to tell. He breathed in and out. Dan tried again, "Besides Phil, we're never really home anymore. What if we do a TATINOF #2? What if there's a sequel huh? What if we write more? And what about conventions? We're 'most always at them....The hippo would get lonesome. And who will let it out? We don't have friends. Nobody can walk a hippo. It's also illegal to own a hippo." Dan was sure he was about to hyperventilate. He could feel his heart start speeding up. "C'mon Dan, a hippo would bring some warmth and fuzziness to the place. Besides we can hide her in the vortex with the girls," Phil countered and he widened his eyes, giving his flatmate a hopeful smile. "Do you want me to go completely insane? Do you want me to just scratch my eyes out? Pull my hair out? Why must you scare the shit out of me?" Dan questioned. In fact he was questioning their friendship right about now. "Maybe it'll be a mini hippo," Phil mused, not noticing the onslaught of emotions playing across his friend's face. Dan looked up at the ceiling and put his hands together in a prayer gesture, "Please Santa, if you can hear my cry.... Please Do Not Bring Phil Lester A Hippo!" "Dan!" Phil interjected. "And if you do bring him one, let it be stuffed," Dan amended. "No!" Phil exclaimed a sad tone interjected in the exclamation. "I'm going to bed!" Dan answered, and finally made his way to his room. Phil settled onto the couch, and he nuzzled his cheek against Lion. At about midnight, right on schedule, the lights flickered just a little, and a tiny pattering of hooves was heard on the roof. A muffled "Ho-Ho-Ho" was heard, and then it was time. Santa was going to go down the chimney, but then he remembered the roaring fire Dan lit every year, and had almost, very nearly, set himself on fire the year before. So, with the help of magic, Santa came in through the front door, leading something with a rope. This was an unusual request, but Phil was on the Nice List. He'd been on the Nice List, ever since he'd turned twenty-two, and meeting one Daniel J. Howell. And now that Phil was almost thirty, and still a believer, Santa thought a reward was on the horizon. When he heard about Phil's request, he'd thought, 'Why Not?' Santa checked his lists again. Naughty List, Dan was nearly at the top of that list, for constantly swearing. Well Okay, so Dan was on the Nice List too. How that was managed, nobody knew. But the lists were never wrong. Kind of like the Marauder's Map, Santa mused. After all the Map was modeled after his lists. Santa shrugged, and with some magic, lifted the four legged four ton animal up the myriad of stairs. He reached the apartment, and he opened the door, and deposited the object next to the Christmas tree. He tethered it loosely, but effectively to a sturdy chair, and he patted the head. "Be good for Phil. Okay Girl?" Santa whispered, took the carrots in his pockets, gave one to the animal. Then Santa proceeded to eat the cookies and drink the milk. He went up to the roof, and fed the reindeer. Then he went and put the nubs on the empty cookies plate. Phil slept on, unaware of the events happening, but he was smiling in his sleep. Santa made sure to pull the duvet up around the sleeping man's shoulders, and then the fat bearded man, magically disappeared.

The Next Morning:

Dan was a light sleeper. Except for nowadays he slept with earplugs in, ever since the tours and the DapGoOsE events, his hearing had been a bit off. Constantly cheering crowds and what-not,kept making his ears ring for some reason. He stumbled into the lounge on Christmas Morning, and he was brought up short. "Dan! Dan! She Came!" Phil's excited voice permeated his sleepiness. "Who came?" Dan asked. "Daisy," Phil said. "Daisy?" Dan rubbed at his eyes and then just stood there. Complete shock written all over his face. Then it changed to puzzlement, and then he exploded, "What The FUCK PHIL?!" Daisy trembled against Phil. "Don't yell. You're scaring her," Phil said, as he held a lettuce leaf over the quivering hippopotamus. "Shhh Daisy. It's okay," Phil soothed. 'Daisy' opened her mouth and the lettuce leaf dropped in. "Do we have any apples?" Phil asked, as Dan was still trying to recover his senses. "I don't know! I still have no earthly idea if I'm awake or if I'm dreaming this!" Dan exclaimed. Phil reached over and pinched his arm. "OW! What the hell Phil?" Dan screeched. "Don't screech, you're still scaring her. C'mon Dan, give her a bit of a pat," Phil encouraged. "Excuse me? What do you take me for? I'm going into the kitchen, I'm going to get some coffee....Please tell me you made coffee...." Dan muttered, as Phil nodded. Phil was never really awake without his coffee. "And....Nope. Crumbs." "I gave some cereal to Daisy. She was really hungry this morning, and I ordered some groceries from Tesco's," Phil's voice rang from the lounge. Just then, Dan noticed the counter. "Philip Lester! Did she try and eat the counter?!" Dan was incredulous. "I told you! She was really really hungry!" Phil answered in kind. Dan closed his eyes, and put a hand over his heart, remembering his breathing exercises. Most of the time he was really patient with his housemate, except when it came to opened cupboards, which he was shutting even now. And he could even handle the contact lense pot on the tap. He could handle it when Phil ate his cereal, though that was still a bone of contention....But it happened, he still liked his best friend. It was okay. He could live with it. But.... This?! A Hippo?! What the hell? A sound of crashing came from the lounge. Dan raced out to see what had happened. "She tried to eat the rave tree," Phil sheepishly said. Dan rolled his eyes, continued his breathing exercises and went to make a strong cup of coffee. He would need to figure out what to do. He decided to write a complaint to the North Pole. "Dear Santa, I know this is a little late, but I have a complaint! You can not just drop off a live four tonned hippopotamus on two single guys in an apartment. We're very busy! We go to conventions all the time. Phil's not allowed a hamster. He can not take care of a hippo. Please come back and fix this mistake! Otherwise I'll have to figure out how to fix it so that the floor doesn't cave in, and reinforcing the kitchen is out of the question. I like the kitchen, I go in there for snacks and I make my meals in there. The vortex is out of the question! I can not send an innocent animal into the space time continuum!" "Signed a very frustrated believer...." Dan signed his name and then he addressed it to the North Pole and sent it up the chimney. Hopefully Santa would take it into consideration that though the gift was amazing, it was implausible to have an animal of that calibre inside an apartment in central London! "I'm going to drink this whole pot of coffee," Dan muttered as he re-entered the kitchen, and found 'Daisy' happily munching lettuce from a cutting board, and Phil looking at her like a doting father. "Isn't she precious Dan?" Phil asked. "That's not the word I'd describe her exactly," Dan answered and tried to scooch past the humongous hippo butt to get to the coffee pot. "Move Daise," Dan muttered. But she was resolute. "I'll get it for you," Phil offered and somehow managed to get Dan another cup of coffee. "C'mon Daisy, let's get you settled in," Phil said and led the hippo off to the side of the kitchen. Next to the wormhole. Dan rolled his eyes and went to sit up at the table. Just then an envelope landed at his elbow. Dan looked at it, and he opened it. "All Christmas Presents Are Final! This Isn't A Retail Shoppe. Santa Is Currently On A Much Needed Holiday To The Bahamas. He Will Not Get Back Until December 24th Of Next Year. Signed- Barney WishuWell." "Oh Hell!" Dan facepalmed. Phil knew what was coming next and covered Daisy's ears. "Go ahead, now she can't hear you," Phil said to Dan. "FUCKITY, FUCK, FUCK!!!!" Dan yelled at the top of his lungs. "You forgot the 'AAAAHHHH!!!!' Part," Phil helpfully put in. "Oh yeah. "AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" Dan yelled again at the top of his lungs. He'd better stop doing that, it hurt his throat and he didn't feel like sucking on steam all day. "What the fuck Phil? We can't return her," Dan finally said in a calmer tone. "Good. Because I don't want to. She's too pretty. Look, she even came with a pink collar with a fake daisy attached. Isn't that cute? That's why I named her Daisy," Phil said, as he nudged Daisy's head out of the way so he wouldn't smack her on accident. "Awww that is pretty! What the hell am I saying?! No! A big bag of Nope! The only rational thing to do is call animal control, the RSPCA, A Zoo! Someone, anyone better equipped to take care of an animal, a pretty girl like her," Dan answered, as he gestured wildly with his hands and paced about the kitchen. His housemate silently watching on, and slowly uncovering Daisy's ears. "See Daisy? Dan thinks you're pretty," Phil bent down and whispered in her ear. Her ear twitched and she seemed to smile. Oh God. Those massive teeth. Dan looked at the chewed on counter, and then he started to pace faster. "I, I, I have no idea. How are we going upload videos? How can we take care of a living behemoth? This is so illogical!" "She can stay next to us when we upload videos! And Lion can ride on her back. The community will eat it right up," Phil insisted. "Or she'll eat the audience. She already tried to eat the rave tree. What if she tries to eat the camera? And the lighting? And...." Dan shook his head. "I'll be a responsible hippo owner, and teach her not to. It can't be any different than training up a dog," Phil shrugged his shoulders. Dan facepalmed. "If you need me, I'm going to the hallway, especially to the specific carpet....I'll be back in a few hours...." Dan went to the hallway and he face planted onto the said carpet. Just lying there. Looking at the wall. Today was Christmas! Of all the.... He sighed and just stared at the wall. "Well Daisy, looks like we're on our own. Let's take a tour of the house. But not the hallway. You might step on Dan," Phil said, and he led the hippo around. "I'd show you my room, but Dan's face planted, so I can't. Besides he'll feel better after he's done his crisis thing.... You remember the kitchen," Phil narrated pulling gently on Daisy's rope that was still attached to her pretty collar. Daisy, followed along quite amiably. Phil decided to take the rope off. He turned to face her and put out a hand, palm forward. "Okay Daisy, I need to tell you something. First of all, the lights are off limits, and no eating our cameras. The iPads are off limits, and don't try and eat my socks either. Because, socks are important!" Phil dictated. Daisy's eyes followed him, as if she were absorbing every word, then her ear flicked and her tail started swishing. "I'm so glad you understand me," Phil said. "Okay, and you can not eat any more of Dan's cereal. He gets upset when I do it. And I do it all the time. So you can't join in. Even though his is the best cereal ever," Phil continued. "PHIL?! Where are you?!" Dan's voice rang out, even though it was muffled. "I'm with Daisy, I'm explaining the rules of the house," Phil called back over his shoulder. "Where are you exactly? You can't be in your room," Dan said. "He must be getting better, he's actually talking now," Phil whispered in Daisy's ear. "I'm not in my room, I told Daisy she'd probably step on you," Phil answered. Then he continued, "We're in the lounge again." Phil sat down on the sofa, and Daisy sat on the other end, upending it so that Phil was on the higher end. He looked down at the hippo. "Er Daisy? I get motion sic...." He never finished the sentence as he got sick all over the floor. "Oh...." Phil covered his mouth. Projectile vomiting was not his favorite activity. Daisy seemed to contemplate things, and slowly got off the sofa. She plonked herself down on the floor, and a few fissures appeared. Hesitantly Phil got off the sofa and cleaned up his sick. His stomach was still creating waves within him. But he would take his anti-sick tablets, and things would settle down. He carefully walked towards the loo. Thankfully it had a medicine cabinet. He gingerly stepped over Dan, whilst Daisy looked on from the far end of the hallway. "How you doing Dan?" Phil asked, after ingesting the medicine. "Don't touch me, don't talk to me...." Dan advised. "Still thinking? Okay then. Daisy and I will be watching some telly," Phil said, and stepped over Dan again. Â Still thinking? Of course he was still thinking! There was an actual hippo in the house, taller and wider than the both of them combined. And Santa wouldn't take her back! That's it! Dan would risk going outside, one more time, to confront Santa in the Bahamas. That fat jolly facade was totally a cover for the darkness and blackness that dwelt within human-like kind, and Dan was accustomed to the darkness. He could confront it, and defeat it. He would just simply sit down with the man, and explain the situation to him face to face. The problem would be readily solved. Yeah. That's it, he was going to the Bahamas! The fat old man would not be getting any rest this year. Dan knew how to stalk. He'd stalked Phil on the internet and now they were best mates and internet celebs. And Santa was nice. But what of Mrs. Claus? Was she nice? Was she in the Bahamas? Was she like Santa's bodyguard? Would she appreciate that Dan had come all the way to the Bahamas to confront her husband on a technicality that he hadn't initially asked for a hippo himself? And what about the 'Gifts were forever' clause? Could it be bent? Oh this was too much! Dan sat up and he went to see what Phil was doing. As Phil told him, or he thought Phil had told him, Daisy and Phil were watching television. Daisy was lying down next to Phil's side of the sofa, and he was scratching her between the ears. She was so absorbed in Yuri on Ice, that Dan almost melted. Almost. Dammit, why did life have to be so complicated?! "Hi ya Dan," Phil's eyes lit up. "Hi Phil...." Dan sat down next to his friend, and noticed the hippo like dent in the sofa creases. "Did Daisy?" Dan gave Phil his 'heart eyes', more like his 'I will kill you right now' eyes. Phil slowly turned to face his flatmate. "Welllllll we sort of had an incident," Phil hedged. "An incident?" Dan asked, and looked at the floor. "Fissures?" Dan asked. "Only small ones," Phil said. "Small ones? They're huge," Dan said. Phil told him about the incident. "You got sick all over the ground? Yikes. Well....I have it all figured out. I know where Santa's having his holiday....His year long holiday mind you...." Dan's voice trailed off. "Where?" Phil asked, all ears now. "In the Bahamas. I'm going to book a flight, risk going outside again and confronting him," Dan's decisive tone made even himself shiver a bit. "No! Dan! Don't go outside. We decided that going outside was a one time thing. That it wouldn't ever happen again. We decided we liked our flat a lot more than we liked the outside world. Besides you've not properly recovered from the tour. Give it a few more months," Phil advised, whilst looking horrified that Dan had even suggested going outside, much less to the Bahamas of all places. "I can't. We can't have a hippo, Phil, we just can't. She's adorbs. She really is, and that collar is fab! But Phil.... She's begun to break our floor, and she made you motion sick," Dan pleaded with his ebony haired friend. "I've got my anti-sick tablets, and she didn't mean to. Look at how docile she is. She's asleep. Bless her," Phil cooed out. Dan slapped a palm to his face. "She's not a cartoon, she's not a Sim, she's real," Dan emphasized. "I know. Hey where's our copy of Fantasia?" Phil avoided Dan's direction of topic. "I dunno. Why?" Dan hedged. "Because, the hippo scenes would be perfect for her to watch. I want to see if I can get her a tutu," Phil added. "A tutu? She can't possibly fit into a tutu," Dan's mouth dropped open, and he turned into a mannequin for a half of a minute. Phil got up from the sofa and rummaged through their DVD collection. "Found it!" Phil announced, waking Daisy up in the process. "Great, just what I wanted to watch, a mouse in a red dressing gown, and a sparkling hat," Dan sarcastically said. "You're just being sarcastic because you're in panic mode," Phil sagely suggested. "I am not in panic mode," Dan defencively declared. Phil put in the DVD, and sat back down. His hand was scratching Daisy's head, she put her head on her front feet. "Look at you, you're such a good girl," Phil cooed at her. She looked up at him and gave him her full attention. "Stop being a dad to a hippo," Dan protested. Phil gave him pursed lips in return, and a squinty look. "C'mon you like Fantasia," Phil said. "Okay," Dan sighed and went to get some snacks. He even brought a carrot for Daisy to munch on. She took it delicately into her mouth and slowly chewed, her eyes still on the television. Dan settled back into his crease, and Phil sat down with one leg over the other, and bouncing just slightly. For the most part, ballet was a beautiful art form. Dan could appreciate any sort of art form, he was very much against gender roles and the like, and ballet was a great art form. Although, the fact that hippopotami were in see through tutus, it made it all the more enjoyable. Mickey Mouse was okay, the brooms swishing about making a mess? That drove his OCD wild. He just wanted to fix it. So Phil had to end up covering his eyes at the scene. "It's not over yet," Phil said, when Dan tried to move his friend's hand out of the way. "Fine, I'll wait," Dan rolled his eyes. "You get all twitchy when the brooms move, and the water fills up," Phil answered. "Yes! Because it's a Mess!" Dan exclaimed. "That's why the older wizard sorts it out," Phil answered. "I know that," Dan answered and crossed his arms. "Well stop twitching. It's over now," Phil put his hand down. "Finally! That scene is torture," Dan huffed. "Look it's hippos and crocs dancing together!" Phil clapped his hands. Daisy had fallen asleep again. This is how Dan spent his Christmas night. He was also devising ways to get close to Santa, and to arm himself if necessary against Mrs. Claus. Who knew what that woman did while Santa wasn't paying attention to her? And according to all the films he'd seen, Santa seemed to forget she was even there half the time. So he made diagrams on his laptop, and was researching how best to camouflage himself should he come against a formidable adversary. "You know, I’m leaving for Mum and Dad's tomorrow right?" Phil asked. "I do know, you told me...." Dan's voice trailed off. "Did you call and tell them you got a hippopotamus for Christmas?" Dan asked. "Not yet," Phil sobered and he looked down at the still sleeping hippo. "Well you're not leaving me with her. You'll have to cancel," Dan decided. "I can't cancel. Mum'll get suspicious," Phil countered. "Call her anyway and cancel," Dan insisted. Phil sighed. If he canceled family time, his mum would send Martyn after him. "Martyn will grab my ear and he'll drag me from the house, I won't get to even pack," Phil tried one more time to weasel out of cancelling on his parents. "No he won't," Dan answered. "He will," Phil answered. "Just try," Dan said. Phil gulped and dialed. "Hello Mum?" Phil spoke as he put the phone on speaker. "Child," Catherine answered. "Mum I have to cancel out on the family festivities," Phil plunged right in. "Why?" Catherine asked. "Because.....I just have to," Phil was a terrible fibber. "Why?" Catherine was insistent. "IgotahippoandifIleaveDanwillbeallalone!" Phil said really fast. "You leave Dan alone when you visit us," Phil's dad was on the phone now. "Hello Dan!" Nigel greeted. "Hello Mr. Lester," Dan answered. "I got an actual live hippo though," Phil insisted. "That's a horrible excuse," Nigel retorted. "Why did you get a hippo, Sweetie?" Catherine asked. "I asked Santa for it Mum, and he brought it," Phil answered. "On My Life! You're twenty-nine Philip!" Phil's dad shouted. "Shush!" Catherine shushed her husband and got back on the phone with Phil. "You're not cancelling and that's final," Catherine said. "But Mum!" Phil tried again. "I'm sending Martyn, you had better be packed by the time he gets there," Catherine answered. "MUM!" Phil tried once more, but Catherine had hung up. "See? I told you!" Phil turned to Dan, and he got up from the sofa. If he didn't hurry he wouldn't be able to pack all he wanted to pack. Martyn was merciless. In a nice sort of way. And Cornelia, who was Martyn's girlfriend would be there backing him up. Cornelia was nice, and had dyed her hair red, but she was just as relentless, if not more so than Martyn was. He threw his clothes in a rucksack, and packed up his laptop in a backpack. His wires were all with him as well. He waited for the doorbell to ring. "Feed her!" Phil called over his shoulder. "I will," Dan's voice was quiet. The door opened. Martyn entered, and he walked inside and up the stairs. When he got to the lounge where the two were waiting, Martyn's mouth dropped open. "You weren't fooling Little Bro. You actually got a hippo!" Martyn scratched Daisy's ear, and she responded accordingly, and licked Martyn's hand. "URGH! Spit!" Martyn wiped his hand on his trousers. "Go wash up Martyn!" Dan yelped. "Oh yeah. Sorry," Martyn said and ambled off to the kitchen. When he came back he took Phil's arm and bustled him out. "Bye Phil," Dan said to the door, as it pinged shut. Dan turned to look at Daisy, Daisy looked at him, and then trotted off to Phil's room. "Oh c'mon Daisy, it's not going to be that bad," Dan trailed off after the animal. She grunted at him through the door. Somehow she'd shut it with her butt. "This is my life. Even a hippo hates my guts, I'm gonna talk to Jack on Twitter...." Dan went to Twitter and he found Jack. They were bantering back and forth, and then Dan asked what he was doing. "Nothin'. Just being at the house, putting up videos," Jack responded. "Fancy a trip to London?" Dan asked. "Maybe we should put this in a private message," Jack suggested. "Let's," Dan decided. They did so, and Dan re-asked the question. "Yeah. When?" Jack asked. "Now? Phil's gone to visit his family, and I have a sort of sticky sitch here," Dan explained. "How sticky?" Jack asked. "It's huge and has four legs, and is upset with me," Dan answered. "Cryptic," Jack said, and sent a smiley face. "So can you take a break?" Dan's next question made Jack chuckle a little. He typed back, "I do more than four videos per year, and you're only consistent when it comes to Halloween, and Christmas," Jack said. "I know!" Dan said. "I'll pack my shit, and I'll be there," Jack answered. "Thanks!" Dan gave Jack his and Phil's address, and then about three hours later there was a knock on the door. Dan practically pulled Jack inside. "Thank goodness! How was the trip? Do you need to set up any cameras? How's it going?" Dan's line of questioning was rapid fire. "Oi! Hey....Calm ya tits," Jack said, and he put his stuff down. Just then Daisy waddled through to the lounge. "Jesus Fuckin' Christ! What the Hell Dan?" Jack jumped back a little. "That's Phil's hippopotamus," Dan answered, and Daisy flared her nostrils at him. Dan gave her a look. She laid down on the floor and eyed the two men. Suspicion evident in her eyes. "How the fuck did Phil get a hippo?" Jack asked, as he put his stuff up and away from the hippopotamus. "He asked Santa for a hippo, he got a hippo, Santa won't take her back, and Phil went with his family," Dan sighed as he answered. "You wrote Santa again? Where is he? Why won't he take her back? I mean she's a magnificent animal...." Jack reached out to scritch Daisy behind the ears. She sighed with contentment. He's, on holiday in the Bahamas! I think Mrs. Claus is his bodyguard. She's probably a black belt in Karate," Dan surmised. "I bet she hides shivs in her bun," Jack replied. "I knew it!" Dan snapped his fingers together. "We don't know. But who knows what she gets up to? I mean Santa's busy with the elves, and making presents, and Mrs. Claus is all on her lonesome, doing God knows what.... Maybe she's practiced in all the arts of everything!" Jack exclaimed, startling both Daisy and Dan. "That's plausible," Dan mused. "We have to arm ourselves!" Jack exclaimed. "But how?" Dan asked. "I dunno. Knives? A rolling pin? Grenades?" Jack asked. "We don't house grenades in the flat," Dan glared at Jack. "Right. Sorry. I dunno what I was thinkin'. I mean I had a grenade once," Jack answered. "How the fuck'd you get a grenade past customs?" Dan asked. "Don't ask," Jack waved his hand about. "And I thought my mind was a dark and scary place...." Dan's voice trailed off. "I'm pretty dark meself, Jayzus Christ," Jack answered. "Hmmm....I like you. You're a kindred spirit. "Thanks?" Jack asked/answered. "Right, so how do we arm ourselves against Mother Christmas?" Dan asked. "Mother Christmas?" Jack asked. "If Santa's, Father Christmas, then she's Mother Christmas," Dan awkwardly shrugged. "I guess so," Jack hedged. Daisy lifted her head and snorted in Dan's general direction. "We could train the hippo to deflect any charges that come at us," Jack suggested. "Why didn't I think of that?" Dan asked. "I don't know," Jack shrugged. "How about we use hippo shit?" Dan asked. "For what?" Jack gave his new friend a confused look. "For the grenades," Dan elaborated. "Hmm, I could probably mould it, put in some fuses," Jack nodded. Daisy gave a disgruntled huff. "We could armour plate her as well," Dan said. "I like that, that's a great idea," Jack said, as he bent a little and scratched Daisy's head. "I think so. I mean we have silver trays from Christmas parties we host," Dan was in thoughtful mode again. "We need a montage!" Dan decided. "Great, I like montages," Jack answered. "Right, well, Phil isn't here to make any noises. I reckon you'll do," Dan said, and gave Jack an intense look usually reserved for Phil. "What?" Jack asked. "You're supposed to make a fast forwarding noise....Go on then," Dan said. "Oh. Okay...." Jack made a Zppt noise. "Not bad. Not bad," Dan said, and then there was a few moments of the earth going into fast forward ever so slightly. Daisy was outfitted with armored plates, then was fed until she dropped feces. Jack put on some goggles, Dan wasn't too sure where he'd gotten them, but he let that slide. Their lives were so unusual that maybe nature was just like; "Screw it, goggles from me!" He shrugged again, as Jack welded the armored plates onto the animal. Â "Nice!" Dan applauded. Jack did an eloquent bow, and tipped an imaginary hat. "And now we book a trip to the Bahamas!" Dan said with his forefinger pointed at the sky. "How? We have a four ton hippopotamus," Jack said. "Oh yeah.... I didn't think that far," Dan said. "Ya think?!" Jack gave Dan a puzzled look. "Well we can disguise her," Dan mused thinking aloud. "What the fook?" Jack was stunned. "We can make her into a reindeer and say that she's ill, and that's why she's got armour on her, to protect her from... the sun's rays...And we need to get her to Santa! Quick!" Dan decided. Jack raised an eyebrow. Â "Hmmm could work. But her face?" Jack was not sure if her face could be made to look like a reindeer's. "I've seen loads of makeup tutorials," Dan answered. "Of course ye have," Jack nodded in agreement. "I've got loads of makeup from when I roleplay, and when Phil and I did the makeup challenge, and when we did the blindfold challenge.... Do not question my sexuality," Dan wagged a warning finger at Jack. "I wasn't! I was silently agreeing with you. You embrace the you that is inside," Jack said. "You have been watching and following me!" Dan teared up and put a hand over his heart. "Now's not the time for being sentimental," Jack said. "Oh yeah, I'll be back; and I'm pretty sure I have felt antlers somewhere...." Dan wandered away, leaving Jack and Daisy with each other. "Hello!" Jack said brightly, and bent over to pat Daisy's head. She snorted at him, but she remained in the room to be patted. Â "I hope the armour stays. That cardboard underneath seems pretty sturdy," Jack decided. Daisy seemed to snort in agreement. "I hope so, I hope we can keep you safe. We don't want anything to happen to you," Jack said to the hippo. "I'm back," Dan reappeared with two plastic bags in hand. "I've got the makeup. And I found a red blinking nose and the antlers," Dan said. "Great," Jack answered, and moved aside so that Dan could work on the hippo's face. "There we go Daisy-Girl....You'll look like a reindeer in no time. I even have some hooves, and some furry legs made up just for you," Dan said as he powdered the hippo's face, then put on the blinking nose and antlers. Then he applied the fake legs and hooves. "Look'a you, all reindeer-ed up," Dan stood back to admire his handiwork. Just then his phone buzzed. Dan took it out of his pocket and answered. He gave Jack a 'one minute' gesture. "Hello? Hey there. Yeah she's fine...." Dan rolled his eyes, as he put the receiver next to Daisy's ear and put the phone on speaker. "'Ello Daisy! How are ye?" Phil's voice said through the crackling airwaves. "Your Northern's showing Phil!" Dan said. "What? Is it? Sorry! Hi Daise. Is Dan being nice to you?" Phil soothingly spoke to the hippo, whose ears twitched, and she sniffed at the phone. Then she tried to eat it. But Dan quickly took it away from her mouth, and then put his ear to the receiver. "She's fine Phil. Why would I want to hurt her?" Dan asked. "You won't hurt her, I'm not worried about that. It's just,I'm not there, and you're probably going to do something like take her to the Bahamas and get Santa to take her back," Phil laughed nervously. "I would never!" Dan lied. "Really?" Phil asked. "No, you're totally right. Sean and I are taking her to the Bahamas," Dan confessed, he couldn't lie to his friend. "Who's Sean?" Phil asked. Jack got on the phone, "Top o'the mornin'!"

Phil replied, "Oh hey Jack....What are you doing in the flat?" "Helping Dan, he said he was alone, and he needed help," Jack answered. "Are you seriously going to the Bahamas to confront Santa?" Phil asked. "Uh, here's Dan!" Jack gave the phone back to Dan. "Thanks Mate," Dan rolled his eyes at Jack. "Are you really going to drag that poor Irishman to the Bahamas? He's almost as pale as I am!" Phil exclaimed. "Whoa, whoa, whoa," Dan interjected. "Don't take her to the Bahamas," Phil begged. "Gotta go!" Dan said and hung up. "Did you just..." Jack started. "Don't ask questions! Let's go!" Dan hurried the two out the door. Though Daisy was very hesitant about the stairs, but she didn't go through them on top of the neighbors, and for that Dan was grateful. Getting to the airport was very heart stopping. Finally situating her onto the roof, and tying her down onto the roof of the taxi; they went to the airport, and then it was time to go through customs and relay their story about Santa's lost reindeer. "Do we even know exactly where Santa's holidaying at?" Jack whispered to Dan. "That's not important, we'll know when we find him," Dan answered. "Okay," Jack cleared his throat and looked at Daisy, whom he was holding with a rope, Daisy looked up and over at Jack, and huffed, then she looked dolefully at Dan and sighed again. "She doesn't believe she can get through customs or on the plane," Jack translated. "What? You speak hippo too?" Dan asked. "When don't I? I played the floppy animal game," Jack stated. "Okay then. I mean Phil can speak to squirrels, even if they do end up biting him," Dan said. "Everything seems to bite Phil, except for rats," Jack surmised. "Well yeah, but he wouldn't have stories to tell if nothing weird happened to him," Dan answered. They got inside the airport and were stopped by TSA. "Don't you know who we are? We're liaisons for Santa. We're here to return his reindeer," Dan huffed. "That does not look like a reindeer to me," the customs man said. "Don't insult her!" Jack piped up. "Are you sure it's a reindeer?" The customs man was insistent. "She is not an 'It'!" Dan exclaimed. "She's gonna pop out her baby anytime soon, and you're hindering her reunion with Santa," Jack spat out, as Dan looked at him with a mixture of awe and horror. "I think I can find a spot for you three in the cargo hold," Jeremy said. "Well thank you....Jeremy...." Dan's voice trailed off. "Yippee!" Jack cheered, and they followed Jeremy to the dark, cold, cargo hold where there were already pets in cages. "I just want to set them all free," Jack sympathized. "Well you can't," Dan admonished. "Who's the older one?" Jack cocked an eyebrow at Dan. "You are....But only by a year," Dan corrected himself at the end. "Your taste in friends is problematic," Jack said. "I'll let the air hosts and hostesses know you're here. And you're all set. Remember to tie yourselves and the 'reindeer' in, so you're not knocked about," Jeremy said, as he exited the plane's hold. "Er thanks Jeremy," Jack said. He and Dan did as they were told, and tied Daisy against the wall. She looked mournfully at the two guys and then laid down. "A pregnant 'reindeer'?" Jack asked. "You're the one who thought of it," Dan reminded him. "I was panicking," Jack sulked. The plane took off, and soon there was a little bit of turbulence. All three were thrown against the top of the hold and came crashing down. "OW!" Dan groaned. "My arm!" Jack declared. "Arrrrr!!!" Daisy called out. Dan and Jack reached out and patted her to calm her down. Also, Dan checked to make sure none of the disguise fell off. As promised, the flight crew checked in on them, and helped feed Daisy and the other animals. Then they landed in the Bahamas. "Ah! It's hot out here," Jack yelped. Dan put on his sunglasses, and handed Jack an extra pair. "Thanks?" They escorted the 'pregnant reindeer' through the security checkpoint. Then it was time to get a vehicle. They rented a huge van. "Now what?" Jack asked. "Find us the best hotel here," Dan instructed, as he drove through the streets. It was crowded with tourists. Daisy was laid across the bench seat in the van, asleep. Jack pulled out his phone and went through Google, and Bing. "Found it! It's up here on the next right. It's even got valet parking...." Jack's voice trailed off, as Dan braked really hard, and took a U-Turn. The van spun, and then he turned. "Holy Shit!" Jack screeched out. "Don't drive shame me," Dan said. "I've heard that Phil's an even worse driver," Jack amended. They scanned the car park. "What exactly are we looking for?" Jack asked. "Something, anything, that screams 'Santa's here on Holiday'." Dan answered. "Like that red vehicle that has the vanity plate that has 'Snta Clas' on it?" Jack pointed to a vehicle as they walked. Dan snapped his fingers," YAS!" He went back to the van, and lured Daisy out with a crate of vegetables. "Where'd you get the veggies?" Jack asked, his brows knitting together. "The less you know, the better," Dan intoned. "Right then...." Jack took Daisy's lead in hand, and he followed Dan to the red van with the vanity plate. "We tether her to the mirror, and we lean against the vehicle. Wait until someone comes out, and we don't start anything, unless Mrs. Claus starts it first," Dan instructed. "She might not even come out. She might hide in the hotel and send out her minions in fighting us. That's what all the bad people do. They send out their henchmen, and don't fight in the films. And if they do fight, it's after their hench people are killed," Jack explained. "We're gonna wait," Dan said firmly. And so, they waited, and waited, and then both men were on their stomachs underneath the vehicle, and looking across the car park looking up at the hotel. "I wish we knew which room they were staying in," Dan said. "We could disguise ourselves as the help, the kitchen help, and we could infiltrate the lair," Jack said. "Infiltrate the lair? Good idea!" Dan put the veggies beside Daisy and he and Jack sauntered in. "Hi we're the new hires!" Dan said brightly at the reception desk. "The new...." The woman behind the courtesy desk narrowed her eyes. "We'll see ourselves to the kitchen!" Jack answered and dragged Dan away to where the kitchen should have been located. "That's the best you could come up with?!" Jack hissed at Dan. "You got to announce the pregnancy of our 'reindeer'," Dan hissed back. "I thought Phil was the crazy one that got in trouble all the time?" Jack asked. "He's on holiday!" Dan said. "So you're stepping in where he's leaving off?" Jack asked as they entered the kitchen, and quickly found uniforms. They donned the clothes and then they went back to the information desk, also they had grabbed a trolley and a some metal trays with lids, that were empty yet steaming. "Soooo we're here to bring food to the Clauses," Dan said, and gave the woman at the desk his most convincing smile. "Oh Joy-Noel and Sinta? They're a nice couple...." The woman began. "Give us the friggin' room number!" Jack interrupted. "What my colleague means to say is, we'd really like to get there before the food gets cold," Dan said slightly nudging the Irishman in the ribs. "Oh yes, room 1225. Isn't that ironic?" Trina said. "Thanks Trina," Jack waved to her. "Like a boss!" Jack muttered. "What?" Dan asked. "We did that....Like a Boss! Or, er, bosses," Jack amended. "Weirdo," Dan said in a semi-playful tone. "I'm Irish, of course I'm weird," Jack answered. "That's true," Dan nodded, and the two went towards the elevator. They punched in the button for floor 12. "1210, 1212,1222...." Dan read off the list of numbers. "FOUND IT!" Jack yelled. "Shhh...." Dan said. They simultaneously knocked on the door. "Ho-Ho...." But the third 'Ho' was cut off by a matronly voice. "I'll get it Dearest, it's probably room service," Mrs. Claus was coming to the door. She opened it, and then she frowned as she peeked her head around the door jamb. "Jack? Daniel? What's going on?" She asked as she fully stepped inside the hallway, shutting the door behind her. Jack sniggered, "She said Jack Daniel...." Dan shot Jack a look. "Or should I say Sean and Dan?" Joy asked. "Is your name really Joy-Noel?" Dan countered. "Yes. Now what are you doing here?" Joy asked. "We've come to return the hippo that Santa, er Sinta, mistakenly dropped off," Dan answered. "Phil is such a sweetie. Of course he got a hippo," Joy started. "I'm his flat mate. We can not have a hippo," Dan pinched the bridge of his nose. "And why not?" Joy asked. Dan glared at her. "D'you really think a flat is a good place for a four ton hippopotamus?" Dan tried to sound reasonable. "My husband is the definition for all things magical. He would have put safety measures down," Joy tried to sound reassuring. "We're gone for most of the time, and she would get lonely. There's no way we can keep a hippo," Dan tried again. "Magically you can, I have some magic qualities, and I could make it so the floor never broke. The landlord would forget the pet clause. I could make it possible," Joy insisted Dan sighed, and shook his head, before answering as calmly as he could, "Look, it'd be lonely. We go to conventions, tours, out of the country....I'm going to turn twenty-six soon, so chances are we'll end up in Las Vegas again. I'm not giving you details, because your bastard of a husband is probably going to be spying on me once he gets off holiday," Dan said. "Excuse me? Did you just call my husband a bastard?" Joy asked, and her eyes narrowed, and she reached inside her bun. Jack decided to intervene, "Excuse him. It's been a long flight." He nudged Dan's ribs. Jack continued, "And he uses bastard as frequently as I do, it's turned into a term of endearment. So he's not insulting your husband, er, ma'am...." Jack's voice trailed off as he reached into his pocket at the same time as Joy reached into her hair. Dan had backed away a little, and pulled Jack with him. “Well we can settle this friendly, or not so friendly,"Joy said, still squaring Jack up, and Jack was doing the same with her. “I’m really a pacifist, and I think we should settle this like the adults we are," Dan answered. ”What? We’re not gonna have an epic battle like we were planning?" Jack asked. ”No. I’m sorry, but, I’ve thought about it, and blood’s messy, so I was thinking of a game. Would you like to play a game Joy?" Dan gave her a creepy smile. “What kind of a game?" She returned, very intrigued. “Oh you’ll like it. It’s a game Phil made up, and if you’ve been spying on us like Santa has, you’ll know its official title. Joy knitted her brows together. “The 7 Second Challenge," Dan said as he swiped his hand to the side. “l love the 7 Second Challenge," Jack clapped his hands. ”Explain the rules?" Joy asked. Dan held up his phone, “This is an app on my phone’s screen. I’ll read off a challenge, and you have to do it, in....”Jack mimed a drum roll. “Thank you," Dan said. Then he continued, ”In seven seconds you have to complete the challenge, and I have to decide if you ‘nailed’ it or ‘failed’ it,” Dan answered. “Sounds simple enough," Joy said. “And if you win, we’ll keep Daisy, if you lose, you’re taking Daisy off of our hands and putting her somewhere safer. Like a sanctuary or something,” Dan stipulated an agreement. “Alright, very logical, and planned out," Joy agreed. Dan opened the app, and scrolled through the questions, “Become a human firework,” Dan put the timer on. Joy, confused at first scrunched herself to the ground, her arms raised and she tried to make a sound like a firework, only she ended up bumping into the wall, hitting her shoulder. “Failed it," Dan said, and gave her an apologetic look. “Alright, our turn,” Jack said. “Want to have a go Jack?” Dan asked. “You’re so Kind!” Jack was being half-sarcastic. Dan looked back down at his phone, and reset the timer. “In seven seconds, spell out your name with your body. You’re more limber than I am...Have at it,”Dan said. Jack laid down on the ground and started wiggling about. He actually managed to make a 'J’. The ‘A’, was a bit simpler, the ‘C’ and ‘K, took a bit of work, but he managed.”Nailed it!" Dan exulted, giving Joy a triumphant look. “Bring it on Mortal," Joy said, getting into the competitiveness of the game. “Joy, Mrs. Claus, do your impression of an erupting volcano,”Dan said, and turned the timer on again. “First a firework? Now a volcano?" Joy puzzled. “Five seconds,” Jack intoned. She raised her hands and her fingers wiggled about. “Nailed it," Dan said a bit quietly. “What was that? I’m over two thousand years old, my hearing isn’t up to capacity. Joy leaned forward a bit, putting her pointer finger behind her ear. “I said, you Nailed It!” Dan grimaced. “That’s what I thought,” Joy stood back, and Dan handed Jack his phone. “Alright, time for me to do one. Go easy on me, I don’t particularly enjoy exercise,” Dan pleaded to his teammate. “Say something that will offend your dog," Jack decided. "I don’t have a.... Poor Collin!" Dan put a hand to his mouth. “Your barking is shit, your running is Shit! And I don’t like the way you cuddle. It’s all shit,” Dan said. “Whoa! So full of swear words," Jack said, and clapped. “Did I nail it or fail it?"  Dan asked. “Nailed it!” Jack said. “We’re ahead by two,” Dan said. “We’ve got two heads?" Jack asked. “No...Umm...No, we’re keeping this PG-rated if you don’t mind," Dan said. “A bit of an ‘R’ rating me thinks,” Jack answered. “You’re Irish, you’re not allowed to think,” Dan joked. “Oh right. I’ll jest go back to me potato garden,” Jack grinned at the Brit. “Alright Joy, tell the sad story of a woman and her whisk,” Dan, shuddered at the thought of a whisk. Oh the horrors he’d seen with the uses of whisks! It still haunted him at night. “Dan? Are you alright? You’ve gone quite pale, and a bit green, and somewhat red,” Jack mused.”I’m fine. Just peachy. Don’t I look fine?” Dan managed. “You’re trembling," Joy put in. “Just....Seven seconds!” Dan started the timer. “She looked at the broken whisk, lying on the floor, crushed by the....” Joy’s voice trailed off, as Dan spoke up. “Time’s up, failed it!” Dan, exulted. “Oh dear," Joy said. “One more, the deciding factor. Make it a good one Jack!" Dan pleaded, as Jack scrolled through Dan’s procured phone. “Oh this should be right up your alley Dan," Jack said. “Angrily shout something nice," Jack continued. “I HATE CHRISTMAS AND STOCKINGS AND COCOA, AND I HATE CELEBRATING WITH PHIL AND JACK!!!!" Dan yelled so much that his face turned red, and then he had to catch his breath. “Nailed it!” Jack said. "I concede," Joy said, and she snapped her fingers. All at once, Jack and Dan were back in the flat. 

A Few Days Later:

Phil came home to find out that Daisy had been relocated to a Hippo Sanctuary, called Fred’s Rescued Hippos. Phil was an honorary member and could go and see Daisy, or feed Daisy, any time he wanted to. He was thrilled. Joy had also magicked up a video for Phil including Jack and Daisy, and Dan together giving Phil, holiday greetings, which made Phil tear up just a bit. Though he was sad Daisy was gone, he had to agree she was much better off in another place.

The End.

Entry 5: Achieving a goal.

Today, I thought it’d be a nice day to talk about my goals for world domination!     Just kidding, I am peaceful :)

Mandark laughing maniacally. Gif from ‘Dexter’s Laboratory’ (1995). Downloaded from: https://media.giphy.com/media/caTuwqwMl7V4c/giphy.gif

A goal is such a nice thing to achieve. It boosts you emotionally and sometimes psychically. You could try and eat healthier, exercise more, get further in your work, serve the Lord better or you could try to win a game of cards as your goal. Anything can be a goal! 

A bit of backstory about me: We’ve all had phobias or are still suffering from a phobia. This might be embarrassing, but... I’ve always had a phobia of... driving.  Yes, I was always scared sh*tless of me behind a wheel on a busy road. I was scared that I might hurt someone unintentionally, hurt myself, damage property and I’ve always felt like I had no control over my car. It felt like: Even though I know how the controls of the car work, I had no control over the car! I was trained how to drive years ago, but the phobia just started developing after I failed some driver’s license tests. I kind of never wanted to drive again.

Pexels, Adult Automobile Automotive. Photograph. (Pixabay 2016).

A phobia will never just leave and it will only get worse the more you try and avoid it. I tried to fight it and beat it! For the last couple of months, I’ve finally taken up the steering wheel and started to drive. I will try my best to deliver you my experience with my war against my phobia, and I will also discern what value I got out of the war. Here is my experience:

I just want to make it a bit clear: I have driven on the road in the past, I was trained by a professional and I do know the rules of the road. I would really not encourage anyone to drive without first knowing what they are doing.

The first week back on the steering wheel was a huge shock! For that day, I tried to remaster the controls and to just take it slowly by driving in the quite suburbs with someone who has a license, sitting next to me. Initially I was very nervous and agitated, but the feelings started to wane about thirty minutes into my driving session. I pondered on why the negative feelings just got weaker. My theory is that: If I feel in control and have faith, the negative feelings will dissipate.

The first day was really valuable to me! I felt accomplished and positive. It served as a starting point, a victory in the war! I could’ve cowered away, but I didn’t and thus it served also to make me feel a bit more brave. With all of the aforementioned being said, I still felt a bit scared of my next driving session. I kept muttering to myself: “What if I don’t have control the next time? What if something happens that you don’t know how to handle?” I even derived some value out of the negativity as it taught me that I must still practice more and that a war cannot be won in a day.

For that entire week, I stuck with quite suburbs and even though I was still a bit scared throughout the entire week, I felt that I gradually started building confidence on the road and affirmation that there is nothing to fear as the Lord is with me (Hebrews 13:5).

After that week, I realised something that started making me a bit scared again...

I realised that I would have to start driving on busier roads with more traffic. For my next session, I decided to drive in the city areas and on the busy roads filled with taxis, drunkards and road-rage filled people.

So I got unto the road and although I wasn’t as scared as I used to be, I was still a bit nervous and my hands still shook a bit! After some minutes on the busy road, I realised that traffic is flowing smoothly, I am in control and I know what to do. All of the aforementioned as well as the Lord’s promises, helped me to feel more relieved. I would still get anxious again if a mistake were to happen. I did feel like my nervous-o-meter went up if something happens like the car stalling due to my faults. Luckily, there was no accidents that day and me, my passenger and (hopefully) everyone else on the road got home safely.

I did derive value from this much bigger step! I felt like it was a far bigger challenge to overcome and that I have actually succeeded in overcoming it. It really helped me as I felt a massive boost to my confidence on the road. I felt more ready to face the road again. In my post-session analysis, I still realised that if I make mistakes, I get nervous again, especially if I didn’t know how to rectify said mistakes. I made it a sub-goal to try and further my knowledge of everything relating to driving as to avoid mistakes and to know how to correct them. I also noted the importance of patience and emotional control on the road. 

I continued to drive around in city areas for several months or so until I was ready for the final challenge...

For my last bit of training and the training I am currently still doing, I decided to drive to my university which is about 25 km from where I live. It may not seem like much, but it is still a considerable amount to someone like me. I also have to drive on the highway, which for me, is pretty scary (0-0)

I was blessed on the first day of driving to my university as it was a still day with minimal amounts of traffic. At this point, I was pretty confident in my driving abilities. I also kept being faithful to the Lord and I felt abundantly less negative emotions than I previously have while driving. I constantly felt a bit more relaxed and even though I did still sometimes make small mistakes, I wasn’t really impacted too negatively by them anymore. I still had some things left to learn and very seldom I would get anxious or scared. Driving to my university is an essential task and I feel far more comfortable with it now than I have ever before, and I am still continuing this practice to this day.

Obviously driving to one’s necessary locations such as workplaces or universities is a valuable skill. The value I discern from it is invaluable! No longer will I need a driver, a bus, a train or a land shark with the name of ‘Scabby’ as my transportation as I could just drive myself. I am also now far more confident and less affected by my phobia than I used to be. 

I encourage anyone who has a debilitating phobia to seek professional help for it, and to try and overcome the phobia as it will not vanish on its own. You will also receive value from overcoming the phobia and may also achieve value for reaching a goal. I have achieved my goal for at least fighting my phobia and heavily subsiding it.

The concept that will inform my next entry will be: War.