#do me a favor and just listen to woke up new by the mountain goats and think about him | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tsukiyaki · 5 years

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even when i don’t cooperate

Lord God,

“I’m doing better now. We made it.”

I want to say these words and mean them, so badly. But I can’t. Not yet. And not knowing when I can again is suffocating, because I don’t want to be not okay anymore.

I’m sorry, Lord, that I don’t know how to receive your love and comfort right now. When you want me to do something for you or hack and slash for your kingdom, I’m in. It takes my mind off the pain in my chest. But when you draw near as the lover of my soul, or as my father in heaven, I’m going to greet you with a door, boarded up and bolted shut. I’m a conflicted, irrational child on the other side, weeping over my own brokenness, over how I need you and miss you so much, but I can’t bring myself to look at you because it reminds me of this open wound that in all honesty, I hold you partially responsible for.

I need you to bust through that door. I need to know that you’ll fight for me and win a landslide victory, even when I fight ugly against you. I’m tired of always trying to do the right thing, holding myself to a standard that is higher than I can maintain without growing bitter and resentful for having to meet it. I think the best thing I can do for myself right now is to stop trying so hard to be the person I think I should be, because I’m not there yet. I never wanted to point my finger at you and blame you for my unhappiness, Lord, but this is the only way I can relate to you as your child right now. To take it all out on you, because you can take it, and only you can take it, even though you’re the only one who never ever deserves it.

But I’ll do myself a favor and record the bits and pieces I remember of how you’ve pursued me in the past month. Your love is relentless. And I hear you. I hear your gentle whispers through the door. Maybe one day soon, but certainly one day eventually, I’ll read through these words, and they’ll finally get through to my calloused heart:

You make a way for me at work every day.

I like my job for the first time in 5 years, and the change that made that happen was handed to me on a silver platter.

I have the best manager and teammates who love me and care for me.

Though I’ve been a mess, I’ve never had to de-prioritize my own wellbeing, because you always make just enough time and space for me to do that without compromising my work.

You continue to speak encouragement through me to the people in my life. If anything, I’ve seen an increased boldness behind my words and genuine affection for others in the midst of my pain. Thank you for the grace that allows me to do what I love most.

On 10/2, you spoke to me clearly through another one of your children, words that I needed to hear, even if I didn’t want to. Still, I recognize this as a divine appointment, for you didn’t delay a single minute after you had prepared my heart to receive your command, but you held off just long enough until I was ready. This day, in order to obey, I decided to let go of something very precious to me. Thus began this arduous process.

On 10/10 and 10/17, my coworker and I read about Noah in our Bible study through Genesis.

Late at night on 10/16, I spilled my guts to a few sisters and started to process in earnest how hard it has been to let go. The next morning, one of them sent me the teddy bear picture. You got me this time. It struck something deep inside of me. I realized I’ve been so reluctant to let go because I loved that teddy bear. And I thought if I could truly say “I love it,” that’s enough to justify keeping it for forever. But it’s not. And you know it’s hard to let go of what I’m holding on to, but you definitely have something better in store. At the end of the day, obedience to you must supersede my love for anything else.

On 10/21, I woke up and wrote another song for the first time in almost 2 months. It was going in one direction, but the bridge came to me and redirected the song to you. It heavily references Noah’s flood.

On 10/23, a sister messaged me a word from you. She said she felt like Jesus was asking me out to dinner. I said He’d have to work for it, but I appreciated it.

On 10/27, I couldn’t muster the energy to worship you until we sang, “Even when I don't see it, you're working. Even when I can't feel it, you're working. You never stop, you never stop working.” At the end of service, a sister prayed for me. When she finished, she held me, looked at me, and said, “I feel it. I feel the pain ... It’s going to be okay.” Then she hugged me. And the way she did all of that disarmed me. Someone else actually knew what it felt like to be me, and they acknowledged that I’m not just weak. That it really does hurt, and it makes sense that I need time to grieve. So I went back to my seat, and I cried for the first time since 10/2. I cried and cried and prayed that I wouldn’t stop until I got it all out of my system, because crying doesn’t come easily to me anymore.

Later on 10/27, I pulled my own name again during prayer time in accountability group (which of course, I didn’t know until after I prophesied over the name on my slip of paper). You told me my heart is like the ark, and we’re still building it to prepare for the flood you’ll release in my life. You will wash away all the pain, all the grime of my past. At the end, I will see your promise, and I will walk forth as the new creation that I already am, completely freed from the chains of yesterday. This time, I finally realized how intentionally you’ve been planting Noah’s story in my life.

On 10/31, my coworker and I continued reading about Noah.

I marveled at how long it took Noah to build that ark. How pointless it could have seemed if he had stopped to compare what he “had to” do with what everyone else “got to” spend their time doing. How he could have stopped at anytime to doubt your command and give up because it was hard labor and didn’t make sense, yet the Bible says “And Noah did all that the Lord commanded him.” It made me feel a lot better about what you commanded me.

One other verse also struck me: “Then the Lord shut him in.” Somehow, when I read that verse, I felt like you were saying, “Don’t be afraid. I see you. I brought you here--to protect you, not to harm you. There is a purpose to this pain.”

Sometime in the last week, I was willing to open up my Dwell app and listen to Job 38-42. They just happened to be the next chunk in the chronological Bible in a Year audio plan I started a while back. You spoke to me through a number of verses, which I found somewhat amusing because you were talking mostly about animals, yet you spoke to me through each one in such a relevant way:

Job 38:39-41 (the lion and raven): “I am a provider, and I provide for you, as I provide for animals that do not know how to pray to me with eloquent words.”

Job 39:2-3 (the mountain goats): “I know the right time for all things, including the fulfillment of my promises in your life. You don’t know when this heavy burden will pass, but I do. And there will be joy and life at the other end.”

Job 39:5-8 (the wild donkey): “I am a liberator. I freed you from bondage, and I’ve given you a home, a lush and vibrant place of provision.”

Job 39:9-12 (the wild ox): “I hold absolute authority. Don’t trust in other people or powers, not even yourself. Trust in me, because I alone have authority to command all people and powers.”

Job 39:13-18 (the ostrich): “I am the source of wisdom. Without me, you labor in vain, and you won’t even be able to recognize the value of what is precious in your life. So ask me for wisdom.”

Job 39:19-25 (the horse): “I am all powerful, the source of your might, and I made you like the horse. You shall laugh at fear and not be dismayed, and you won’t turn back from the sword. This is a hard battle, but admit it--somewhere deep down inside of you, when you hear the trumpet sound, and you smell the battle from afar, you’re not actually afraid. You are ready and aching to claim another victory for my glory.”

Job 39:26-30 (the hawk and eagle): “I am a master strategist, and I give you vision. I know where to position you for success, unique to how I designed you. Don’t compare where you are right now with someone else, because it might not make sense for that person, but it makes sense for you. And if you trust me and obey me, you will land in a place where you can finally see clearly.”

Job 40-41: (Behemoth and Leviathan): “I am not a tiny God. Behold my creations. No one is so fierce that he dares to stir him up. Who then is he who can stand before me? Who has first given to me, that I should repay him? Whatever is under the whole heaven is mine.”

Job 42:10: “I listen to the prayers of my people, which carry the power to forgive sins. Job prayed for the people who failed him, even betrayed him as friends in their failings. I call you to do the same. I empower you to do the same.”

On 11/3, a sister shared her testimony. It was powerful. But what really got me was when she referenced an alternate version of the teddy bear picture. The same picture I can’t get out of my head, and you clearly don’t want me to forget. At this moment, I honestly hate what you ask for in that picture. But I can’t deny that you are clearly reaching out to me, even now.

During service on 11/3, Jason spoke on Mark 10:35-52. Verse 50 hit me: “Throwing his cloak aside, he jumped to his feet and came to Jesus.” The blind man threw his most prized possession aside to ask for sight. In faith, he exchanged his one tangible source of security for the possibility that you would answer his prayer. I thought of the teddy bear in my hands. You’re asking me to trust you, to throw it aside, and to reclaim the singleminded devotion I once had for your vision. You’re inviting me to come before you and confess, “Father, my beloved, I want to see.”

#dominoes

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