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sinsfox · 6 years

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Care to tell us about Ban's depression and all?

yoko you just had to ask this since i mentioned it to you huh

OF COURSE I CAN TALK ABT IT

this is gonna get long, so ima put it under the cut but theres going to be content warning galore, but itll be tagged

im really not going to beat around the bush here.

i headcanon ban to have depression, but at this point, it seems to me to be implied that he does. would it be professionally diagnosed? fuck no. ban gives less than a shit about himself, i dont think he would be obligated to figure out why he feels hollow or dulled. why life is a bore, and he only ever feels alive in a fight or when hes ‘killed’.

to him its a feeling he can easily shrug off and ignore and he easily puts up a front of being the easy going, out there kind of guy that he is. eccentric and melodious in his tone, fight enthusiastic and seemingly taking his interest in whatever seems convenient at the time. stealing what he wants, even if its the clothes off someones back. drinking ale and laughing it up like no tomorrow until he passes out.

but at the end of the day, hes lonely. hes tired. despite the things that are fun that he does have fun with, its still hard to completely forget the void that he feels and how much duller things seem nowadays ever since the incident in the fairy kings forest.

it only got worse since that day.

his childhood was the start of it all.

his parents neglected him and his sister. his little sister died from starvation at four years old. that was the first time ban felt alone. his parents cared nothing for them. ban was used to try and obtain food for his mother and father, while not being allowed to eat himself. his father would beat him if he did eat. his father would beat him if ban even slept. it wasnt a good environment. ban ran away from home often.

then ban was caught stealing and was sent to prison and that was where he met zhivago and they escaped together. and ban took to secretly meeting zhivago whenever he could and was given food by him to eat. zhivago helped him survive. zhivago taught ban all he needed to know about thieving and even saved his life from starvation and from being kidnapped and almost being sold to a noblewoman who tortured and killed children.

zhivago adopted ban. he referred to ban as his son in a conversation with ban himself. telling him how he had one son named therion who was nothing like ban, a shy kid. and how he had another son named ban who was a troublemaker with a bad mouth.

hearing that made ban happy. and he felt like he had family again.

then one day when they were to do a heist together, ban got impatient and went on his own. and got caught by the guards and was beaten by them. and zhivago was handed two choices: save ban or save therion. ultimately zhivago made his choice and abandoned ban ( he was crying when he made his choice ) for the sake of saving his own son, which he was too late in doing.

that was the second time ban felt alone in the world.

years pass, ban is a bandit now. he goes after the fountain of youth after hearing talk of it in a bar. he enters the fairy kings forest. he persists in getting to the fountain. thats when he meets elaine. and in seven days he grew close to her and helped her battle her seven hundred years of loneliness. and he fell in love with her and was going to bring her brother back to the forest, and make him take her place so ban could take her away.

but then a demon attacked. and elaine, who ban wanted to save with the fountain of youth, fed the water to ban which made him immortal. and he kills the demon, but elaine dies before he can even begin to help her.

that is the third time ban felt alone in the world.

and he was heart broken.

its at this point in time that ban believe he cannot be close to anyone, for they are going to leave him. by dying or by abandoning him. he refuses to fight when he is arrested and accused of a false crime but what can he do. he has no proof against their claim, and they cannot do anything to an immortal being. so he takes the brunt of it all and allows himself to be executed over and over again in his time captured.

its at this point that ban wishes he could die. because he doesnt want to live. not when he had nothing to consider a family from his little sister dying so young, his parents neglecting and abusing him. zhivago was his ideal father, he never held a grudge against the man for abandoning him but it still left a hefty hole for ban to carry. and elaine was killed before him and she used the last of her strength to save him instead of herself.

he was powerless to stop any of this from happening. despite that he was only a child, that he was just a human.

meeting meliodas was another of the happier moments in his life. when the man busted him out of prison, literally punching him through the wall, ban knew immediately that meliodas was someone he did not want to lose. there was an interest gained in this man. ban didnt want meliodas to disappear on him. he didnt want him to leave like the rest.

of course history happens, ban gets imprisoned by the weird fangs when he hears that meliodas had passed ( a lie ). and he endures torture yet again to ease the emptiness that wracks his being. bans stated before that dying is just another part of life for him. a daily occurrence. hes mentioned before that hes felt like dying. that its been a long time since he felt like dying.

it doesnt change the fact that hes felt that way.

there are points in time where ban berates himself. degrades himself. hes called himself a bad person. hes referred to himself as a useless piece of shit. that hes powerless. that hes an awful friend. all in regards to being unable to protect those he loves and cares about.

ban cares little about his own well being. its why he fights as reckless as he does, aside from his immortality. ban does not care about himself. theres nothing he likes about him. theres… nothing. he feels nothing for himself. he doesnt even consider himself human anymore unless hes referred to as one.

one wouldnt even think ban feels or thinks this way considering the way he is, as i said before. its easy to think ban is someone who doesnt feel that way but really its been eating at him for over the entirety of his life. ever since his childhood. ever since elaine died.

and he has terrible ways of coping with it all.

ban drinks himself silly. he lets himself get brutally murdered just come back to life and have it done again when he fights. he seeks out getting arrested to endure torture to feel something than nothing. because hes so tired of feeling nothing.

but in the end, no one except meliodas and elaine ( and king ) are capable of telling really telling bans actual emotions and the way he feels. because around them he drops the face of the fox sin everyone knows. because hes tired. hes empty. he can fake a smile and really well at that. he can put on the face of excitement, the outgoing personality and passion he can exude when needed. but at the end of the day, those feelings and thoughts are still there.

ban has, since gaining immortality, fantasized about death. idealized it. wished he could die. because being immortal is boring. living and dying near constantly runs dry after a time and to think that dying is a daily part of life now is cruel to him when he wakes up like nothing happened.

it was worse when the rumor meliodas had died got around, after hed finally learned to be happy again after the loss of elaine.

when he learned meliodas was indeed alive, and was busted out of baste dungeon to reunite with meliodas, he was happy again.

when the ten commandments and demon clan were released from their seal, and melascula using her magic with the venegeful soul revival, elaine was resurrected and ban was able to reunite with her too, after quelling her anger and hate towards those who had spent their time around ban when she could note and melascula still being kept alive kept elaine alive.

ban was made all the more happier then, too.

but elaine can read bans heart like fairies can. meliodas can read ban like a book because theyre best friends and meliodas understands ban just as ban understands him. and hes able to be open with them, more so than anyone else.

they are the only two he can really be truthful with in regards to his emotions because they are the only two that he trusts enough to let his guard down around and let them see the side that he hides from everyone else.

because he doesnt need more people worrying or whatever in his mind. he doesnt need peoples concerns when hes fine by technicality because hes immortal and nothing will ever come of anything even if he tried to do something. his sense of self-worth is abyssal, he cares so little about himself. hed rather everyone around him be okay and happy than have people worrying over him because its something hes felt for a long time, a very long time. something hes dealt with all on his own ( until elaine and meliodas came into his life ) and hed rather not include anymore people in it.

ban has gotten the short and shit end of the stick too many times to count. hes lost people. hes been unable to save people. he feels powerless in situations he cant do anything to change or fix. he berates himself over these things.

and he tries to keep others out of it because its not something they should deal with, its his own problem. but its hard to deal with it when he doesnt want to. he wants it to go away, he wants to stop feeling and thinking it. but its hard when its constant and he cant do anything about it. aside from drown himself in ale and liquor. and fight so recklessly and with abandon because hell be fine, hell come out unscathed and it gives him something to better focus his energy on than the hollow dull ache in his chest.

thats about the long and short of it

#cxrsedsilence #*letters. ⟨ ask. ⟩#*record information. ⟨ headcanon. ⟩#theres rlly content warning all over the place for this #jesus christ but anyways #suicide mention cw.#abuse mention cw.#death mention cw.#alcohol mention cw.#UH LEMME KNOW IF I NEED OTHER TAGS FOR THIS I THINK THOSE ARE THE BIG ONES HERE THOUGH

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zarafoodrecipe · 5 years

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Shut up and play: how Walker is being given the Goodes treatment

That, as they say in the classics, will dead-set do me. A few footballers calmly and respectfully talking about an important issue to them and thousands of others in a handful of media opportunities over 10 days cost the Blues victory in game one? Loading Since being appointed NSW coach last year, Brad Fittler has opened up all of his training sessions to the media. As he said in the lead-up to the series opener: If you cant handle an interview, you cant handle reading a newspaper, you cant help me on game day. Little did Fittler know that players speaking freely to the media about stuff important to them would have a mysterious impact, throwing their chakras out of whack and draining them of vigour and vitality and the ability to read Kalyn Pongas left-foot step. Spooky. Perhaps Walker and all the Indigenous players who may or may not play in Origin II in Perth on June 23 should take up Griffins advice and say nothing about issues important to them. Perhaps they shouldnt say anything at all. Perhaps they should just shut up and play football. Perhaps they should do what that pesky Adam Goodes shouldve done during his AFL career: just shut up and play football. Dont call out racism. Dont have a respectful debate about it. Dont fight for change. Dont play the victim. Shut up and play football, Adam. Because thats what we expect from our Indigenous athletes: Play brilliantly, let us marvel at your black magic on the field, but when you cross the white line be quiet and, whatever you do, dont get angry. I was fortunate enough to be at the State Theatre last Friday night for the premiere of the Goodes documentary The Final Quarter. Sitting in the iconic playhouse were past and present members of the Sydney Swans. So, too, was AFL chief executive Gillon McLachlan. One person who wasnt there was Goodes. He watched the documentary once, on his own, and it was so painful he had no desire to watch it again. In many respects, the premiere felt like a football match with cheering and booing and cursing and shaking of heads in disbelief at the way a proud Indigenous man who would not just shut up and play football was treated by footy crowds, the AFL and most horribly by conservative commentators appealing to their narrow-minded and, lets face it, racist audience. (Fun fact: the same conservative commentators who slammed Goodes for calling out racism during his career are currently defending Israel Folaus right to say the gays are going to burn in hell. Go figure). Were not going to go around in circles about the Goodes issue here. The documentary does it better than anything else you will read or watch. But its clear that the issues Goodes confronted before he was ultimately run out of the game are still being felt by other Indigenous athletes, in all codes. Shut up and just play. They said the same thing to Muhammad Ali, who wasnt feted as a pioneer until long after he retired from boxing.

Off-field impact: Adam Goodes accepting his Australian of the Year award in 2014.Credit:Rohan Thomspon Shut up and just play. They said the same thing to Tommie Smith and John Carlos, who stood with a fist in the air on the medal dais after the 200m mens final on the track at the 1968 Olympics before being run out of Mexico City by the IOC amid some pretty heavy death threats. Shut up and just play. They are now saying the same thing to Walker and Latrell Mitchell and Josh Addo-Carr and even Queensland centre Will Chambers, who didnt seem to be drained of too much energy despite his strong remarks about the anthem. I hope Walker and his Indigenous teammates keep talking about the anthem and whatever else they feel they should talk about. If theyre not saying it, then who is? If Goodes didnt ask questions of the AFL, who else wouldve? The last time I interviewed Goodes, a few months after he was named Australian of the Year in 2014, he said something that resonates following the documentarys release. Its a line borrowed from former Detroit Pistons point guard Isiah Thomas. If people only remember me for my football, Goodes said, Ive failed in life. I live by that quote. Pearce the veil

In the frame: Mitchell Pearce is becoming increasingly likely to wear the Blue of NSW again.Credit:AAP Fittler is keeping his cards very close to his chest about the team he will select on Sunday night for Origin II at Perths Optus Stadium. Most conjecture, of course, is about the halves. Theres been a strong push for James Maloney to partner his Penrith teammate Nathan Cleary but were hearing that is now unlikely. Indeed, it wouldnt surprise if Fittler stuck with Cleary and Walker, despite their lacklustre performance in game one. A knockout performance from Knights halfback Mitchell Pearce against Melbourne tomorrow afternoon, however, will make it very hard for Fittler to stay loyal. Pearce is in the form of his life. At 30, he still harbours ambitions to play for Australia. The best way to get there is via Origin.There are plenty of people telling Fittler that a Pearce-Walker combination is the way to go. Folau had lost the dressing room Sacked Wallabies star Israel Folau sent a fiery letter to Rugby Australia board members last week about leaks to the media, including a belief from within the game that he is sick of rugby. Only Folau would know if hes sick of rugby but we can tell you some of his Waratahs teammates were very much sick of him. Folaus dispute with RA over his anti-gay posts proved to be a massive distraction for the Waratahs, who crashed out of finals contention with a loss to the Brumbies last week. While some of the Waratahs players have been toeing a diplomatic line with their public comments about Folau, privately they are fuming at how he has selfishly thrown their season into chaos, although they werent entirely surprised because he often did his own thing separate from the rest of the team. Andrew Webster is Chief Sports Writer of The Sydney Morning Herald. Most Viewed in Sport Loading https://www.smh.com.au/sport/nrl/shut-up-and-play-how-walker-is-being-given-the-goodes-treatment-20190613-p51xbo.html?ref=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_source=rss_feed

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wesawbears · 7 years

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Can u write jerejean where the trojans have an upcoming game against the ravens so a few select ravens who in particular have a bad history with jean show up to usc in their true cult fashion and try to psych him out in a way the trojans dont really understand but he (and jeremy) knows Exactly what they r talking about and when they leave he is just kind of stoic and scary looking and acts unaffected infront of his team but later when theyre alone jeremy comforts him and makes him feel better

I may have gotten carried away. I really liked this prompt lol. Thanks anon! It’s 1.4 k, so more is under the cut.

Warnings for mentions of sexual assault/slurs. Not graphic, but consistent with Jean’s past.

Jean wakes with a pounding headache behind his eye. It was most likely because he hadn’t slept all day, but no one needed to know that except him and his therapist. Tomorrow’s date on the calendar loomed the way a prisoner’s execution date might.

It was the day USC was scheduled to play the Ravens in a wildcard game before the playoffs. Jean had been mentally preparing for it for weeks, but as the date drew closer, his heart felt more and more constricted in his chest. The team noticed in the way he checked harder at practice and Jeremy had been sending him concerned looks all week, but they all knew better than to ask.

Jean sighs and unlocks his phone so he could make a call. He knocks his head against the headrest of his bed, but clicks call all the same.

He taps his foot impatiently as the phone rang. Just when he begins to hope that he wouldn’t pick up, he hears Kevin’s impatient voice go, “Jean? What’s going on?”

As if he doesn’t know. As if the Ravens’ schedule doesn’t run through his head every goddamn day.

Jean sighs. This was a wretched idea. “I have to play them tomorrow.” A beat of knowing silence passes before Jean follows up with, “How did you do it?”

He hears Kevin exhale and what he assumes is Kevin sitting down followed by, “It was the court. They couldn’t hurt me there.”

“They can always hurt you. You know that,” Jean deadpanned.

“And you know them. Beat them at their own game.”

“I didn’t call you to ask how to win a fucking game.”

“Then why did you call?”

Jean tries to remember a time when the sound of Kevin’s voice didn’t feel like salt in an open wound. “It’s not as though I have an abundance of other options.”

Kevin laughs humorlessly. Jean’s about to hang up when Kevin says, “I’m sorry I didn’t take you with me.”

Jean closes his eyes. “You’re really not.”

“I’ll see you at finals.”

He hears a click to signal that Kevin hung up. Jean realized that it was the closest to encouragement that he’d ever get from Kevin. It’s enough.

Jean’s standing on the sidelines and he doesn’t want to move. He knows the second he steps on the court every Raven will be gunning directly for him. He knows this because it’s exactly what he would do. It’s exactly what he did do when he played the Foxes a year ago. It feels like another life.

He looks down the line and sees Jeremy and Sara and Laila and every other starting Trojan standing there with him.

He is not Kevin and he is not afraid.

When his name is called, he steps onto the court and walks unflinchingly to his place. The new Raven captain is an unremarkable player Jeremy’s age. He wasn’t part of the inner circle, so Jean’s memories of him are hazy. However, his memory is jogged when he passes Jean and murmurs, “Slut,” just loud enough for him to hear.

Jean’s blood freezes in his veins, but can’t choke in front of them, so he keeps his eyes forward. Jeremy’s too far away to hear what was said, but calls out, “Let’s have a clean game, shall we?”

Jean squeezes his eyes shut. When he opens them, colors dance across his vision, but he’s able to focus enough to have a decent first half. There are a few sloppy shots that get past him, but he’s learning to let himself be human. The second half goes better and the Trojans manage to win by 3 points. Jeremy beams at him before crashing into Jean for a hug. In the moment, Jean forgets himself and hugs back for a bit too long. Long enough to get the Ravens’ attention.

A group of five Ravens walk up to them in their signature V. To his left, Sara coughs, “Cult.”

The Raven at the front grins and says, “Worked your way into the starting lineup, huh?”

Jean’s smile fades. Jeremy takes the bait and says, “Jean is an asset to any team. We’d be stupid not to put him on as a starter.”

A player behind the captain smirks. “That’s adorable. Prince Charming come to save the day. Too bad he’ll get sick of you once he realizes you’re damaged goods.”

Jean grits his teeth to avoid drawing attention to himself. Sara steps into the guy’s face and says, “And your entire team is full of washed up has beens. You lost. Go lick your wounds off of our court. No one needs to see that pathetic display.”

The Ravens smirk at them before turning and walking off the court in unison. Laila lays a hand on his shoulder and Jean says, “Thank you.”

Sara snorts. “You’re family. We don’t let assholes talk to our family.” She pats his back and heads off to the locker room. Jean shrugs and follows.

The walk home is spent trying to keep his mood up amongst the adrenaline high Trojans, but the moment the door to their room closes, Jean sinks heavily onto his bed. He doesn’t feel on the verge of a panic attack, which is an unexpected grace, but he feels exhausted down to his bones.

Jeremy hovers next to his bed, unsure of whether his company is wanted or not. Jean pats the spot next to him and in a moment of vulnerability, he rests his head on Jeremy’s shoulder. Ordinarily Jean was wary of people above him in any context, but Jeremy’s body felt like a shield and for once it was comforting rather than frightening.

“You did great tonight,” Jeremy says, breaking the silence.

Jean’s tempted to list all of the mistakes he made that night, but he counts to ten and decides it’s a conversation better suited for practice on Monday.

“Thank you.” The underlying, ‘for putting up with me’ hung heavy in the room.

“You’re not damaged goods,” Jeremy says definitively.

“I know,” Jean says.

Jeremy frowns and a crinkle appears between his eyes. Jean reaches up to smooth it out. “I know, Jeremy.”

Jeremy pouts. “I had a whole speech singing your praises prepared.

Jean gestures. “Go on, then.”

Jeremy laughs. “Well...you’re funny, which I didn’t expect.” Jean chuckles. “And you’re one of the smartest people I know. I still don’t know how you read those giant philosophy books.” Jeremy turns Jean’s face up to look at him. “And you’re the strongest person I know. You’re stronger than all of them. Fuck what they have to say.”

“That doesn’t sound like Captain Sunshine,” Jean teases.

Jeremy laughs raucously. “Shut up.” Jean joins him until they wear themselves out laughing.

“Are you good to sleep?” Jeremy asks.

Jean nods and Jeremy stands to go over to his bed. He checks that Jean is settled before switching the lamp off.

Sleep was not Jean’s friend. As he drifts off, the Ravens’ words swim in his head, filling him with a mix of black memories and new images of himself failing, of Riko alive angry, of Jeremy, walking away with a pitying headshake.

When he thrashes awake, his hands are clenched in the sheets and he struggles to ground himself until he sees the glow in the dark stars Jeremy kept on their ceiling. He exhales. It was a dream, but the feeling still clutches his chest in an uncomfortable way.

“Jean?” He hears Jeremy stir. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah. Just a bad dream.”

“Do you want me to come sit with you?”

Jean makes a noise of assent.and Jeremy climbs in across from him and lays his hands palm up on the covers for Jean to hold when he was ready. They wait a few minutes until Jean lays his hands on top of Jeremy’s.and breathes.

“There we go. Do you think you can fall back asleep?”

Jean nods and Jeremy moves to return to his bed.

“Wait,” Jean says, keeping a light hold on Jeremy’s wrist. He was still feeling a bit raw from the image of dream Jeremy walking away from him. “Stay with me?”

Jeremy smiles and crawls into the still warm space next to Jean. “Of course.”

Jean uses the rise and fall of Jeremy’s breath and the constancy of the neon stars to fall into a deep, peaceful sleep.

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