#did not expect to be pondering the ethics of guilt after failing my team in a boss fight when i woke up today | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

doggendoodle · 11 months

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fucked up and singlehandedly cost my group a kudos fight in front of someone i respect (this will have a negligible impact on their day but i will forever be haunted by their first impresson of me being ruined)

#toontown #ttcc #you know that horrible clawing feeling you get when you want more than anything not to talk about something that happened to you but you #physically can't do anything *but* bring it up so you talk about it in the hopes of. something. but you don't know if the something you're #hoping for is reassurance or radio silence and you don't know if finding out would make getting what you want better or exponentially worse #if anyone's seen that one txwatson tiktok about hearing the wallpaper it's. not that but pretty similar.#at this point i'm just throwing in something i couldn't quite articulate before i hit post but. it's like a weird fear of apologising Wrong #because i fear the effort it would take to apologise properly would make the apology feel desperate or insincere #coupled with me not knowing if the guilt i feel is proportional to the guilt the people i 'wronged' would want me to feel #which is compounded since the way i 'wronged' them was messing up a boss battle in a video game. but also us losing was Entirely my fault #and i don't know at what point an apology would become like. pressuring them to say they forgive me even if that's not my goal #does this make sense? is it hypocritical to ask if my ramblings make sense when my worries are entirely about being too much?#*is* there a way to assuage those kinds of worries without being insincere #either by accident or on purpose #is 'being insincere on purpose' even a thing you *can* do?#if i bring up why i struggle with this does that become manipulation? even though i'm asking in good faith?#did not expect to be pondering the ethics of guilt after failing my team in a boss fight when i woke up today

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