The Arrangement (13) - Tempest
Chapter summary: A much needed conversation takes place... as well as a realisation that might change everything.
Pairing: Astarion x female!Tav
Warnings: Mentions of trauma.
Word count: 4.6k
Series masterlist . AO3
There was a crack on the ceiling.
A deep scowl settled on your face as you lay sprawled along the large bed, staring at the lightning-like fissure that had caught your attention.
How deep did it run? Had it been there all along? You wouldn't know. After all, you seldom spent time in this room.
His room.
Astarion had never shown interest in moving in with you and the others. He kept to himself and rushed to find accommodation at The Blushing Mermaid. You couldn't really fault him for wanting to keep to himself.
But you still kept this room vacant just in case he changed his mind.
He never did.
Little did you know that it would be a myriad of unfortunate events that had hurled him into this very room.
Until a few nights ago.
He left before you could convince him otherwise.
Guilt had been boiling in the pit of your stomach ever since, but you had come to accept that some things were out of your control.
The house confinement had been lifted after much insistence on Wyll's part. It no longer seemed appropriate, yet he promised to keep Fists nearby just in case.
Still, Astarion was now free to do as he saw fit.
Wyll had met up with him and he was seemingly doing well.
Seemingly.
The events of that night kept on flashing in your mind, as you sought to find a rational explanation to what could have caused him to stare at you the way he had.
Revulsion.
Disgust.
Had you taken it too far? Maybe you should have suggested for him to feed on you. Maybe you shouldn't have been brought up that night.
Maybe, maybe, maybe…
You could go on forever, going over countless possibilities, but you were not inside his head.
Only he had the answers to your questions.
This was the logical side of you urging your mind to make peace with what is out of your control.
But your heart still clenched and ached and hurt.
Your feelings had been severed from all logic.
You still felt the need to go through that event, desperate to find solace.
That maybe this, too, would pass.
Maybe.
And just as always, a tear detached from the corner of your eye and streamed downwards, leaving a familiar wet trail in its wake.
Glancing around, you could still see so much of him everywhere.
His embroidery set, his books, his shirts, some of his vials of poison.
Even his scent lingered.
You hadn't even bothered drawing the curtains and letting the sun or moon in.
It was as if he was everywhere and nowhere all at once.
You heaved a deep sigh as you mustered the strength and will to shift your focus on what you could control.
The crack on the ceiling stared at you and you stared back at it, eventually deciding you should do something about it.
Pushing yourself off the bed, you placed both hands on your hips with newfound determination.
This you could fix.
Maybe.
The door was open, and you yelped in surprise as you saw movement in the corner of your eye.
Wyll was leaning against the doorframe with folded arms and the same kind and soft expression he always held around you.
“I didn't mean to scare you.”
You ran your hands along the silky fabric of the nightdress to adjust it before slipping into your robe, tying it snugly around your waist.
“Oh, I was simply distracted.” you blurted out, hurriedly wiping the wetness from your face.
An understanding smile curved his lips. “I knew I'd find you in his room.”
“It's not his room,” you immediately said. “Well – not really,” you added, fearing you had come across as too harsh.
He arched an eyebrow but said nothing.
Your gaze landed on the ceiling once more. “There's a crack on the ceiling.”
He slowly joined your side and followed your line of sight. “So there is.”
“I need to fix it.”
“You? Now? Do you think the ceiling is giving in?”
You stared at him, perplexed. “What?”
“Do you think it poses danger?” he asked, his eyes on you. “It is quite small.”
There was an argument to be made that the size of things seldom mattered.
Tiny cracks could make way to bigger ones.
Tiny cracks could still hurt.
They could still inflict damage.
You felt a hand on your shoulder, and you flinched. “Are you well?”
“Yes. Quite.”
An obvious lie you hadn't bothered to flesh out.
He didn't look convinced in the slightest, but didn't press things further.
You enjoyed that about Wyll. He knew exactly when silence was the best and more adequate answer. Sometimes, words just weren't enough.
Eventually, you cleared your throat. “I assume you're not here just visiting.”
“You caught me,” he said playfully, hands laced behind his back. “I come bearing news.”
From the way his face had faintly dropped, you could immediately tell your mood was about to shift in an unwanted direction.
“Ava?”
He nodded. “We still haven't been able to tie her to anything as of yet.”
You felt your stomach clench with dread. “It can't be… she has to be involved somehow.”
“I agree. I have the finest inquisitors trying to break through her facade – if she has one.”
There had to be something.
She had to be responsible.
“What about Rob Sorel? Surely he can be of help.”
A scowl twisted his face. “Nothing as of yet. He has a solid alibi that he insists on roping her into. Besides, he's an established patriar of the city, there is only so much pressure we can apply before tensions rise amongst the noblemen.”
A shaky sigh rushed past your lips.
Wyll was stuck between a rock and hard place, no doubt. On one hand, he sought to act dutifully and according to his moral code. On the other hand, he was far from being impartial in the matter, and his friendship towards both you and Astarion could be seen as a compromising factor.
“How much time do we have until you have to set them free?”
“Maybe one more day,” he said. “Rob Sorel is the tricky part here. Ava has no power, but he does. He has connections that extend far beyond our reach, and if they take notice that he's imprisoned, it might trigger unforeseeable consequences.”
You began pacing around the room, urged by your nervousness and frustration.
“What of Waterdeep?”
Wyll followed your every move with his eyes. “Gale has yet to encounter anything suspicious that could be tied to her.”
You slumped into a nearby chair and pressed your face into the palms of your hands, letting out a growl. “I am not wrong about this,” you said almost pleadingly, lips quivering. “Wyll. I am not wrong. She – there is something wrong with her. Astarion…”
Your voice trailed off at the mention of his name in your mouth.
It hurt.
A painful jab in your chest rendered you silent, and you lowered your face, anticipating tears of frustration.
Wyll rushed to your side, placing a comforting hand atop your head, patting it gently.
“We will figure this out. You have my word.”
His word held weight. You knew of this. If there was anyone in Baldur's Gate whose word was worth gold, it was Wyll's.
But… “It is not fair. It is not fair that now he doesn't want to pursue this anymore… because of her.”
Wyll dropped to one knee, eye-levelling with you. “Astarion is stronger than we give him credit for, and he is free to choose his own path.”
“What if it's the wrong one?”
“You can't decide that for him,” Wyll reasoned, taking your hand in his. “All we can do now is give him time and respect that.”
Astarion needed time and you needed to find a way to make that realisation less agonising.
You wanted nothing more than to be a comforting presence to him, but surely not at the expense of his well-being.
Breaking into a sob, you managed to stare into his eyes. “How is he doing?”
Wyll offered the warmest smile. “I believe he is doing well – within reason, that is. He was spotted hunting in the outskirts of the city before I got here.”
That should have put your mind at ease, but it only seemed to make matters worse.
“It's not enough… boars and deers and carrion cannot satiate him as thinking creatures do.”
His hand tightened around yours and his face was firm. “Are you referring to yourself?”
Your heart skipped a beat.
“I do not mean to pry on your relationship with him, but you're a dear friend of mine,” he began. “I am aware you want to help him get through his hunger, but you don't have to.”
Immediately, you pulled your hand from his grasp as if burned.
You didn’t need to be scolded on this.
“Don’t. Do not do this.”
Wyll fell silent, but there was a hint of sadness sprawled across his features.
Then it quickly dawned on you how unfair you were being towards him.
“I apologise… you mean well, I know.”
Ever courteous, Wyll shook his head. “I overstepped a line. You care deeply for him and the bond you two share is foreign to me.”
This time, you took his hand in yours, giving it a reassuring squeeze.
Wyll also possessed a heart of gold that few could rival with. He never hesitated to take a step back if he believed to be in the wrong.
And he wasn't.
“No, you're right. You're merely looking out for a friend.”
“For both of you, actually,” he promptly corrected. “I care for both of you and I would detest for you to part ways unless as a last resort.”
You inhaled sharply. “We'll figure things out… hopefully.”
Were you trying to convince Wyll or yourself?
He rose to his full height, pulling you up with him. “If there is someone who can figure things out, it's you.”
How you wished that was so, but you accepted his words with a sincere smile.
“Do not fight me on this,” he said, playfully jabbing a finger into your shoulder. “You brought us all together
“It was only possible because of everyone's commitment,” you said truthfully. “Do not fight me on this.”
Wyll chuckled as you used his words against him, raising both hands. “Very well, very well.”
You looped your arm around his, allowing yourself to feel lighter and push the fear and concern aside even if just for a moment.
“It's quite late. You can stay over,” you offered kindly as the two of you headed downstairs.
He patted your hand. “Ah, I would gladly take up that offer, but duty calls.”
“At this hour?”
“The city never sleeps, my dear friend.”
It had to be an exhausting job more often than not, especially with all the unpredictability that came with it.
As you reached the kitchen, you were greeted by a couple of flickering candle lights spread across the room, providing just enough clarity for you to reach the front door.
Your arm slipped from his and you pulled him into a hug, which he reciprocated.
“Take care,” he said, patting your back lovingly. “We'll stay in touch.”
You nodded, fighting back the tears that had begun to prickle at your eyes.
When he finally pulled away, you realised that if Astarion had been there, he would have teased you to death about Wyll.
Alas…
With a final nod, he went out into the cool night, categorically greeted by two Fists that awaited him outside, ready to escort him back.
Just as you were about to close the door shut, Shadowheart's low voice was heard.
“Are you well? Was it a nightmare?”
You turned to face her. “Oh, no. Wyll dropped by to say that they might not be able to hold Ava as a prisoner for much longer.”
It was interesting that despite the abrupt departure from Astarion, you had been able to sleep undisturbed. Not a single nightmare or bizarre dream had plagued your subconscious ever since.
Granted, you had been using the lavender oil Shadowheart had gifted you, but its effectiveness was still debatable.
She grimaced, adjusting her own robes, as she reached the bottom of the stairs.
“Snivelling little cockroach,” she said with a hiss. ���There must be a way to catch her in a lie.”
It was far too late and you were far too exhausted to pursue this matter once again.
You needed to step out and catch some fresh air.
“I'll be in the backyard.”
Shadowheart's quick steps drew near. “Do you want some company?”
“I'd rather be by myself, if that's alright.”
She nodded, giving your arm a reassuring squeeze. “Of course.”
Slipping past the open door, you made your way around the house and towards the back garden that Gale took pride in keeping luscious and vibrant.
You hadn't told any of them what had happened between you and Astarion a few nights ago.
They knew something had happened, but didn't press you for details, which you were thankful for. They assumed he had parted from the group again because of the whole Ava ordeal and that he needed to process things.
But you knew it was related to you. You knew deep inside you that something within him had been triggered and it made your heart clench knowing you were probably the root cause of it.
The gentle night breeze rushed past your cheeks, as you hurried along, barefoot and with only a thin robe to keep any semblance of heat close to your body.
The grass crunched softly under your feet and you only came to a halt once you found yourself surrounded by countless flowerbeds of all shapes and sizes.
You took a deep breath, calmness filling your lungs as the soothing scent of grass and pollen wafted around you.
It wasn’t perfect, but it was enough for now.
The crickets were in full force tonight which only added to the magical ambiance.
For the first time in what seemed like too long, you smiled widely.
You wrapped the robe around you tightly as you sat on the wooden bench by the impressive row of night orchids.
Mindlessly, your hand reached down and you plucked a wilted flower bud that had certainly gone past its time.
It was still as radiant as ever in hues of dark blue and purple.
You twirled the stem in between your fingers as you glanced up to admire the glinting stars high up above, sprawled across the sky.
Bathed in moonlight and surrounded by calm and quiet, you pulled your legs up and pressed them against your chest, resting your chin on your knees.
You vaguely wished you could freeze this moment in time and take in all the beauty that surrounded all of you.
“It's quite a sight.”
You jolted in your seat at the sound of a velvety voice.
Astarion.
Your eyes found his crimson ones in the dark of night, and an overwhelming urge to bolt straight into his arms nearly took over.
But your mind held you back, rooting you in place as you watched him approach.
“The stars, I mean,” he added with a purr, glancing upwards at the starry night sky.
The playful jab didn't go amiss and you felt a faint smile tugging at your lips.
He had uttered that same remark many moons ago, teasing you for entering his field of vision.
And now here he was, entering yours and capturing your attention like he had the first time.
It was as if the very sight of him was a force of nature that slammed mercilessly against your chest, robbing you of air.
Your heart was thumping so hard you could hear each heavy beat in your ears.
You leaned back, taking in the full sight of him.
He looked… well.
He looked fed.
He looked like himself.
But there was this aura about the way he slowly moved that indicated something was amiss.
Silently, he sat next to you, far enough that your heart skipped a fleeting beat.
Should you say something? Ask something? Should you wait for him?
Astarion eventually turned to stare at you. “It's quite cold tonight yet you're out here wearing nothing but your paper-thin nightdress and an equally useless robe.”
You opened your mouth, but you just couldn't speak.
He slipped the thick cloak off his shoulders and draped it over yours with a click of his tongue.
“You were never one to properly look after yourself, but, darling… do not get sick on me,” he finished with what seemed to be a genuine teasing smile.
Words were stuck in your throat. The fear and dread that you might utter something wrong completely froze you in place.
He looked and talked like your Astarion.
But was he truly being himself?
His gaze dropped to the flower in your hand and he tugged it free from your grip, inspecting it closely.
“Ah, flowers… beautiful, but–”
“–they make for lousy poisons,” you completed, voice coming out raspy.
Another genuine smile ghosted his lips. “Yet it would look even more beautiful on you,” he said, his hand reaching out to tuck the stem behind your ear. “As most things do.”
“Astarion…” you said, swallowing hard.
“I meant every word.”
He was overcompensating and deflecting.
Your heart sank.
It wasn’t that he didn’t mean what he was saying, but you could tell this was an attempt at mending things between you without quite addressing the issue.
And he clearly realised you had seen right through him as he sighed. “Alright, alright… we do need to talk, don't we?”
You nodded silently.
A shiver ran through your body and it wasn't due to the cold breeze.
It was the gripping fear that whatever came next might break your spirit.
He fixed his stare somewhere in the distance before speaking again, “I apologise for leaving so hurriedly that night. I… supposed I got carried away and it felt rather overwhelming.”
Your mouth had dried up. “What did I do wrong?”
This time, he turned his head to fully face you, a sliver of confusion twisting his pleasant features. “You didn’t do anything wrong. It was me – my head – that got in the way.”
You didn’t believe him.
“You were talking to me and suddenly it was as if I had said something horrifying,” you whispered, doing your best to keep your tone steady. “It was me… it was something I said.”
He paused for a moment. “It is not your fault that this happens. I need you to understand that. Please.”
A lump formed in your throat but you swallowed it right away, not wanting to be bound to silence.
This conversation was long overdue.
“Can I be honest?”
He quickly nodded. “I would expect nothing less from you.”
You collected yourself and your heart. “I don't know how to help you… I don't know what to do…” you said truthfully, lacing your fingers together and unable to face his piercing eyes. “I don't want to be too much… I don't want to trigger you. I do–”
Astarion cut you off immediately. “Look at me. Please.”
He waited for you to do so and only then did he proceed. “There was a time I cursed from having a wriggling worm inside my head. Little did I know that that was the least of my problems. And this is my problem. Not yours.”
You had to bite down on your lower lip to keep it from quivering.
He suddenly looked weary, running a hand along his face. “I am tired – exhausted to have my mind holding my body back. There are times when I can go through with it… and it's mostly thanks to you and your patience.”
There was a part of you that was relieved that he wasn't upset with you.
But a more vicious part of you rose a voice inside your head, telling you he was merely doing damage control.
That he just wanted you for your blood.
“What's that look on your face?” he asked, sounding hurt. “You do not believe me?”
You pushed the mocking voice away and blinked. “No – I just… Astarion… I don't know what to do. I don't. I want to be here for you, but I keep fearing we're pushing it.”
He pressed his lips into a fine line, brows knitted together.
Your legs dropped and you straightened yourself with a sigh, the sudden movement causing the orchid to drop from behind your ear and onto the ground.
“What can I do? How can I help?”
He looked almost offended for a brief moment, but his features eased before he spoke, “I don't want you to treat me like a glasshouse. I don't want pity or mercy. I want whatever you are willing to give me.”
Your heart was beating faster than ever. “And what do you need?”
Silence.
Astarion kept mixing want with need and it often landed him in less than ideal situations.
“To finally be free. I believed facing Cazador and destroying him would grant me freedom, but there is no worse cage than your own mind.”
Now, that was an answer that made your eyes widen.
Ava had once uttered similar words.
In truth, you expected him to make it all about you, but his words lifted a weight off your shoulders.
But there was still doubt in your mind.
“I can and will be here for you,” you said firmly. “But I need you to promise me something.”
He nodded.
“Please let me know whenever I say or do something that hurts you. That night–”
He held one hand up, effectively silencing you. “That night was different. It was the timing of it all that caused me to…”
His voice faltered.
You waited for him to find it again.
And he did. “I don't want our relationship to revolve around some silly arrangement to keep me in line. As much as I crave your blood more than anything else, I do not wish for this to feel like a transaction.”
“I've always made it clear that I more than willingly give it to you.”
“Yet my mind tells me I am using you.”
It was as if someone had thrusted a knife into your heart. “Astarion – what? You… you're not.”
The mocking voice inside your head laughed loudly, making your shudder.
“Then don't offer me your blood,” he said. “Feeding on you has become tainted. For now… I can't do it.”
He's a liar. He's used you before and he's playing mind games again.
“You can feed again whenever you're ready,” you said, finding a way to voice your thoughts in the midst of the negativity that had such a tight hold on you. “I know wildlife isn't enough.”
Astarion’s shoulders slumped. “Thank you.”
You nodded.
He didn't know how close you were to breaking into tears. Not from what he was saying, but from the vitriol that your own mind was spewing in regards to him.
He wasn't inside your head, but you were.
And it was awful.
Still, you fought through it. You had to. “I'm here for you.”
You felt his cool fingers brush against yours.
“You don't have to be.”
One by one, your fingers laced with his and you realised your hand was freezing from the cool night air.
But you could still feel his touch.
You could still feel him.
“We can stay as friends.”
Astarion let out a growl of sheer frustration. “Why must you insist on this? Does it truly matter if we are friends or lovers or whatever other social construct you think we should fall under?”
His grip tightened around you, in a silent plea.
“We're… us. No one is like us,” he went on. “We don't need labels or to follow any relationship rules that some drunkard shoved into a book.”
His last remark earned a chuckle from you, but mostly because he was so right.
“We're us.” you repeated.
“Yes. Whatever that entails. As long as you're comfortable with me, we're us.”
Slowly but surely, your heartbeat slowed down, falling into a steady rhythm.
“I want you to be comfortable with me, too,” you said. “Just promise to let me in. If you need time and space, I will respect that, just… don't vanish.”
Silly girl, he'll break your heart again, the voice mocked.
“I promise.”
The two of you leaned back against the wooden bench, still quite far apart, but not letting go of each other's hands.
You felt so light it was almost if the faintest of breezes could carry you away, floating across the field of flowers.
But even if it were so, you doubted he'd let go of your hand.
You'd remain anchored to him.
For better or for worse.
You'd either float or sink with him.
You liked the options, because now they existed. Before this conversation, all you had was the impending feeling that the tiniest of cracks would tear through your relationship, and that it would sink.
Now, you had hope.
After a while, you spoke again, “What now?”
His thumb caressed yourse absentmindedly. “What do you mean?”
“We're at a standstill. The Ava situation… finding a way for you to walk in the sun. We're rooted in place, it seems.”
Somehow, he managed a chuckle. “You and I made progress, did we not? Even at the expense of everything else. Isn't that worth something?”
You found him staring at you with those crimson eyes of his and that genuine smirk that always got to you.
“I suppose. You're right… yet I can't help but feel sorry that you seem to be the one with much more to lose.”
He squeezed your hand playfully, earning a gasp from you. “Darling, you don't get it, do you? I've spent hundreds of years unable to form a single bond with anyone that didn't feel tainted or doomed. Until you came along. You and that bleeding heart of yours. If there is a price to be paid for a single meaningful relationship, I'll pay it.”
Your heart clenched and the first tears began to stream down your face.
You adored him.
In that moment, you wished to melt into his embrace.
“Besides, nothing is over yet. We're quite terrific at turning the impossible into possible.”
You chuckled, eyes welling up with more tears. He shifted closer to you, letting go of your hand and brushing both thumbs across your cheeks to wipe them clean.
“There is one regret I have, though.”
A jab of fear poked at you. “What is it?”
He cradled your face in his hands. “You're so cold right now and I cannot warm you up.”
You felt as though you might melt into his touch.
“Is that your only regret?” you asked playfully.
He shook his head. “I suppose not. Striking a deal with Ava might top this.”
Your face dropped instantaneously.
“Oh, I've ruined the moment, haven't I?”
“Maybe,” you said softly as he pulled back. “But we'll get through this. Whether you decide to pursue the Wish spell or not, I am here for you. We are here for you.”
He looked peaceful.
You hadn't seen that expression in a while.
“I remember Ava once saying that pursuing the Wish spell was folly. That I either wished to be cured from vampirism altogether, or that I'd end up some weirdly washed out version of a vampire spawn.”
Oh.
And then your heart plummeted as realisation hit you.
How did you not see this before?
“Astarion?”
“Hmm? What?”
Once again, your heart raced in your chest. “Astarion… who would benefit from you not having your vampirism meddled with?”
He arched an eyebrow in confusion. “What do you mean?”
Dread took over you and flinched away from his grip, bolting to your feet. “By preventing you from getting access to the Wish spell, you remain a spawn… untouched… your blood…”
Astarion's eyes widened.
“Shit.”
TBC
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