Clouds in My Coffee

Date: June 23rd, early evening Location: The Prewett Estate @perniciouspotter

Lily couldn’t say she hadn’t slept in three days—not sleeping before a mission was asking for something to go wrong, and this was a mission Lily would not allow go wrong, to the fullest extent of her capability to control it. That extended to forcing herself to be as well rested as she could manage, splitting her nights between Gwen’s sofa and Severus’s spare room. That self-enforced rest didn’t mean she was any less frazzled, as every waking moment (and there were plenty of those, even without counting the restless ones that refused to allow attempted sleep to settle over her) was crammed with a thousand things to do.

She brewed for hours, making sure the Healers were stocked with everything they could conceivably need—and a few less conceivable as well. Lily pulled maps of the Muggle neighborhoods and gave them to Hestia to hand out, ensured they at least had an idea of what peculiar Muggle quirks they might encounter in their assigned areas, and generally made herself  available as a Muggle-expert and the only Muggleborn being sent out into the field. She checked with Gwen, seeing how she felt about going on a mission, and tried not to think too much about who she was going with aside from assuring her friend that both Peter and James would take care of her.

Most importantly, Lily checked in on her network of Muggleborns she was in contact with, ensuring they were as safe as they could be, while trying not to alarm them unnecessarily. She reached out to the Mercers, Thorburns, and Narangs, the three families who she had only days ago given packets of paperwork that would help them leave Britain and restart their lives elsewhere, and checked that their plans were going smoothly.

Ultimately, it was all overcompensation for what she couldn’t do. Alastor had made it very clear that they were not allowed to contact the families being targeted, under the laws of the Statue. That lives were at stake didn’t matter, nor that the Death Eaters didn’t have similar compunction, or even that it was a matter of weeks until it wouldn’t apply to these families anyway.  It was infuriating, and left Lily feel more than a little helpless. A feeling she channeled into do as much she could elsewhere.

Which was why she was currently bustling around the Prewett estate, helping prepare in the nebulous way that took over in the calm before the storm, when you knew something was coming, and that it was likely to be bad, but the exact shape of it was unknowable. Lily would also blame that business for why she didn’t look where she was going as she rounded a corner at speed with an arm full of sheets, and shut up, Mental-Alastor voice, she’s already gotten a lecture from you in the last week, she doesn’t need a second.

Her reward for her lack of vigilance was typical, as she collided into someone else. At least she kept her grip on the sheets so they didn’t go spilling everywhere. “Ooph,” she grunted all the same.

June 23rd, 1984 Just before midnight

Lily,    

I know it's late, but I couldn't live with myself if I didn't try and talk to you before we both go off into battle tomorrow. I didn’t want to have this morning be our last time in case… well, you know. I’m sorry for being a right prat lately, but I can’t look at you anymore. Maybe that’s why I’m writing. Easier this way or something. Be safe tomorrow, okay? I won’t ask you not to throw yourself in danger for that kid or anything like that because I already know you will if you have to, but just still try and be safe. I know you think the world needs me or some shit, but it needs you, too.

I really fucking miss you. 

Love,  James

A scribbled hasty addition at the bottom: Sirius doesn’t know I’m writing this and I think the lads would be mad if they knew because I’m pretty sure Remus and Peter think I’m the one at the wrong end of this relationship… so just… me and you, alright?

Bad enough that she was coming off days of constant anxiety and existential guilt over the nature of this mission, but then there was the pressure of Frank’s injury and having their team rearranged to be led by Wila Travers less than twenty-four hours before they were due to head out. To add this on top of it all?

       It was too much. Especially when all she wanted on a normal day was to Apparate to James’s side and hold him and cry and let him tell her that everything would be all right, the world would right itself somehow and things would work out. Today, Lily barely had enough left in her metaphorical tank to feed and water Obie before sending him off. She read and reread the note with a detached numbness that rang in her ears until the exhaustion won out and she fell asleep with the paper clutched in her hand.

The next morning brought no respite, but she read the letter one last time before neatly folding it up and tucking it into her pocket to keep it close before she headed out to meet with the rest of her team. Perhaps if she got through this, she would find enough in herself to be able to handle the message, and James, without falling to pieces.