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sapphicambitions · 5 years

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Sing to Me Instead - Queliot Fic

Read on Ao3 (here)

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Quentin woke up with the worst hangover of his life. At least, he assumed it was a hangover. Head pounding? Check. Nausea? Check. The weight of the world crushing his very dehydrated body? Check. Everything was too bright and too loud? Check. Everything was also kind of muffled? Check. Craving an extra greasy cheese pizza? Check.

He didn’t remember a party though. Had El given him another Classic Cottage Cocktail? No, that didn’t sound right, he’s sure he would have remembered that. Did he and Julia meet Bacchus again? No, he definitely would have remembered that. So why did he feel like the world was spinning? What did he remember?

The Mirror World.

A Minor Mending.

Oh.

Penny. Their Penny, not 23.

The Campfire.

Peaches.

A Doorway.

Then….

Nothing.

A dragon?

Eliot….on the dragon?

Margo and Julia?

A dragon?

Eliot shoving a Key into his hand.

Eliot saying “Q, I don’t have much time. We’re here to get you out, but it’s only gonna work if you want to get yourself out, okay? Come home to me, Coldwater. We need another fifty years, yeah? Who gets proof of concept like that? Peaches and-”

Nothing.

No dragon.

No Margo.

No Julia.

No Eliot.

Nothing.

Then….

A Doorway.

And then Quentin was awake with the worst hang (death?) over of his life.

He suddenly found it hard to breathe as everything came into focus. He started coughing. His throat was way too dry, but suddenly someone was lifting a cup of water up to his lips and he drank it down gladly. He also didn’t think that he could lift anything right now, so he was grateful to the other person for providing that service. He could barely lift his own head, and it came crashing back down to the pillow once he was done drinking.

As the memories came rushing back he tried to focus on where he was and who was with him. As feeling came back into his entire body, an answer was on the tip of his tongue, he just needed to give it to the right person. If they were even there. Almost frantically, he looked to his right, to whoever gave him the water and tried to force his eyes to cooperate.

Alice.

Oh.

Nope.

Quentin turned his head to the left. He saw someone at the foot of his bed.

Margo.

Nope.

Turning his head further, he saw his best friend, perched by his legs on the bed.

Julia.

Nope.

His head completely made it to the other side of the pillow and then, there he was.

Eliot.

Eliot, Eliot, Eliot.

Eliot by his side, clutching his hand. Which he could feel, now that he focused on it. He could feel one of Eliot’s hands clutching his own and the other stroking the side of his face. He could see the tears in Eliot’s eyes and see that his mouth was moving, but he couldn’t quite hear him. Quentin decided not to put his efforts into listening to Eliot and instead put it towards speaking to Eliot. Every ounce of his energy went into his ribcage and lungs and vocal cords and tongue and mouth until finally he could get out:

“Plums, motherfucker,”

And then he passed out again.

For a while, Quentin drifted in and out of consciousness. He was never fully awake, just enough to hear bits and pieces of things and smells and feelings. He heard crying at one point, and it sounded a little bit like Julia. He heard yelling at one point, and it sounded a bit like Alice. Or Margo. Maybe both. He smelled coffee at point. Pizza, the next. He felt magic working all over his body, healing the brokenness and replenishing his energy.

The one constant throughout all of it was his anchor point: Eliot’s hand clutching his own. At least, he assumed it was Eliot’s. The last person he had seen holding that hand was Eliot.

God, he hoped it was Eliot.

Eliot. Eliot. Eliot .

Eventually, he came to. For real, this time. His eyes cracked open and he was able to lift his head. He still felt like shit, but a bit better. The weight of the world seemed to be off of him now and he no longer felt like throwing up, so that was a plus. Everything in the room, sights, smells, sounds, feelings, they were all as clear as a bell. So was the hand wrapped in his own.

The person attached to the hand was less than conscious now. Eliot was curled up in one of those nice hospital chairs, blanket tucked around him, fast asleep. A glance around the dark room and the nearby window and clock confirmed his suspicions that it was indeed, the middle of the fucking night. Quentin supposed that he could have just laid back down and rolled over and tried to go back to sleep, waiting for the morning to have his reunion with Eliot.

But he figured they’d done enough waiting.

Quentin gave Eliot’s hand a single and solid squeeze.

El was always a light sleeper, so that was enough for him to jump awake with a panicked look on his face. With a snap of Eliot’s fingers, the lights came on in the room, and Quentin got a full look at the other man’s face. And he looked like shit . Almost like he hadn’t moved from that chair in days. But upon seeing Quentin awake and alive, a smile graced Eliot’s lips.

“Quentin,” Eliot breathed, leaning towards him and gripping his hand tighter. “You’re awake,”

“Yeah, did you guys have pizza without me?” Quentin asked, choking out the words.

Eliot laughed, and then that laugh turned into a sob. Quentin almost missed the transition from smiling to crying, it happened so fast. Tears poured out of Eliot like Quentin didn’t know was possible. Full body sobs wracked him, and Quentin sat up on his elbows. Which, hurt, but he needed to get closer to Eliot. To touch him. To let him know that he was there and not leaving again. With one hand still clutching Eliot’s and using the same elbow to brace himself, he reached out with his other hand to hold the side of Eliot’s face. Eliot leaned into the touch.

“Hey, El, it’s okay,” Quentin murmured. “I was kidding about the pizza thing-”

“That’s not why I’m crying, Q,” Eliot said, a small chortle escaping him. Quentin was just glad that the sobbing had stopped. “You died, Coldwater. I thought I lost you,”

Oh.

Right.

That had happened.

“I’m sorry,” escaped from Quentin’s lips before he could even think about it.

Eliot shook his head, eyes locked with Quentin’s. “You’re here now, that’s all that matters,”

“What happened, El?” Quentin tried, remembering the sight of Eliot on a dragon.

But Eliot shook his head again. “It’s a long story. We can get into it tomorrow when Margo and Julia are here to help tell it,”

Quentin processed that. Then he said: “You didn’t leave,”

Eliot blinked, not understanding.

“You didn’t leave the whole time I was asleep,” Quentin stated, but it was more of a question. A quiet, unspoken question, one that he knew Eliot understood, by the look on his face.

Eliot paused, and then took Quentin’s hand from the side of his face and slowly brought it up to his lips. Eliot kissed his knuckles tenderly, softly, like he was afraid they would break. But Quentin understood. Even if Eliot couldn’t bring himself to say it, Quentin understood. Eliot was never great at feelings talks, and Quentin didn’t hold that against him. At least, not now. Not when it was in the middle of the night and Q had just gotten back from the dead and everything was too much and not enough all at once. He felt Eliot’s hands clasped in his own and Eliot’s lips on his knuckles and he needed more. He needed Eliot to anchor him to this reality and never let go.

“Will you just… hold me?” Quentin asked, and he thought that Eliot was going to melt.

It took a few moments of awkward shuffling for Eliot to crawl into the bed, place the pillows on his back to support him as he leaned against the headboard, and for Quentin to nestle between his legs and curl up on his chest. Eliot wrapped his arms around him and held on like he was afraid that Quentin would slip away. Quentin’s head rested just about Eliot’s heart, and hearing it anchored him just as much as Eliot’s touch and Eliot’s smell.

Eliot. Eliot. Eliot.

They collapsed into each other in the silence. Holding and being held. Breathing in and out.

They fit together like tile pieces.

“Do you want me to tell you a story?” Eliot mumbled into the top of Quentin’s head.

That was something they used to do, in Fillory. When Quentin would be having a bad mental health day, Eliot would gather him in his arms and tell him thrilling tales of dashing kings and their wild adventures. They were wonderful, and always helped. And he understood why Eliot asked, because he wanted to do something to help Quentin. And Quentin wanted to tell him that he was already giving him the world by being there with him.

But he knew what he really wanted.

“Sing to me, instead,” Quentin mumbled into Eliot’s chest.

Eliot’s stories were great for drawing him out of his head and forcing him to focus on something else. But Eliot’s singing…...healed him. Soothed him. Took the voices in his head and the aches in his body and shushed them. His singing allowed Quentin to lose himself in Eliot. And that’s what he wanted, no, that’s what he needed right now. To envelop himself in Eliot.

Eliot. Eliot. Eliot.

So Eliot paused, thinking, and then softly started to softly sing.

“You put all your faith in my dreams,

You gave me the world that I wanted.

What did I do to deserve you?”

Quentin didn’t recognize the song, but didn’t really pay attention to the lyrics. He was more focused on the smoothness of Eliot’s voice and the vibrations in his chest. Q loved when Eliot sang like this, not a projected performance, but just for the two of them.

“I follow your steps with my feet,

I walk on the road that you started.

I need you to know that I heard you,

Every word,”

Eliot hesitated for a second, and took a deep breath.

Quentin would have almost missed it if his head wasn’t placed on his chest.

“I’ve waited way too long to say,

Everything you mean to me,”

Maybe he should be paying attention.

“Incase you don’t live forever, let me tell you now,”

Oh.

“I love you more than you’ll ever wrap your head around,”

Fuck.

“Incase you don’t live forever, let me tell you the truth,

I’m everything that I am because of you.”

Quentin tried to throw out an “El-” but the other man kept singing. So Q let him.

“I, I’ve carried this song in my mind.

Listen, it’s echoing in me.

But I haven’t helped you to hear it,”

Eliot’s soft voice echoed throughout the room, and Quentin felt a wave of emotions rising.

“ We’ve, we’ve only got so much time.

And I’m pretty sure it would kill me

If you didn’t know that pieces of me are pieces of you,”

The wave rose up and swallowed Quentin whole.

“ I’ve waited way too long to say

Everything you mean to me,”

Damn it, Quentin was trying not to cry.

“ Incase you don’t live forever let me tell you now,

I love you more than you’ll ever wrap your head around.

Incase you don’t live forever, let me tell you the truth,

I’m everything that I am because of you,”

Damn it, it sounded like Eliot was trying not to cry.

“ I have a hero whenever I need one,

I just look up to you and I see one,

I’m a man cause you taught me to be one,”

Despite how very comfortable Quentin was, resting on Eliot’s chest, he had to look at him. He had to look Eliot in the eyes and show him everything that he wanted to say with his own. So with a little bit of wriggling and all of his strength, Quentin turned his body. He was still in his lap but he managed to get himself upright and looking in Eliot’s eyes.

Eliot. Eliot. Eliot .

The look in his eyes was indescribable. The last time Quentin had seen that much…. love in Eliot’s eyes was….

“Peaches and plums, motherfucker.”

Eliot brushed some of Quentin’s hair out of his face-

“ In case you don’t live forever, let me tell you now,”

- and rubbed his thumb on Q’s cheek-

“I love you more than you’ll ever wrap your head around,”

-and slid his hand onto the back of Q’s neck-

“Incase you don’t live forever, let me tell you the truth,”

-and pressed his forehead against Q’s-

“ I’m everything that I am-”

-and then Quentin was kissing him.

Kissing him as deeply as their damaged and broken bodies would let them. Careful and tender and passionate was their kiss, like star crossed lovers. Pulling each other tighter, breathing in the same air, drinking in each other in like they were lost in a desert. And found in each other.

But eventually they had to pull away and come up for air. They were both still weak from their near death experiences and uh, getting physical, was not exactly the best option at the moment. That was fine with Quentin as long as Eliot was there with him, holding him.

Quentin opened his mouth to say something but Eliot held up his finger with a twinkle in his eyes.

“ Incase you don’t live forever, let me tell you the truth,”

Oh, not done yet.

“ As long as I’m here as I am…. ”

Eliot kissed Quentin again, a quick and soft kiss.

“...so are you.”

Eliot.

Wrapping his arms around him.

Holding him tightly through the night.

Falling asleep holding each other.

Never letting go.

Oh.

It was everything.

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Song is “Incase You Don’t Live Forever” by Ben Platt. Start playing it at “Sing to Me Instead” if you wanna listen along while you read!

#lesbianlaynie #heres my song fic #ben platt #sing to me instead #the magicians #queliot #quentin coldwater #eliot waugh #queliot fan fic #queliot fic #laynie writes #the magicians fan fic

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onestowatch · 6 years

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Q&A: Sasha Sloan Discusses Her Writer to Artist Transition, RCA Signing, and 'sad girl’ Debut

Photo: Nicolita Bradley

There’s something to be said about artists who are brave enough to apologetically bare their souls in song. Songwriting is one of the only forms of art which allows for an explicit and direct path to the listener, creating an invisible yet deep line of empathy between the artist and the fan. Cue Sasha Sloan: a Ones To Watch artist who, above all, is a vivid and sincere songwriter at her core. Embodying her “sadgirlsloan” brand completely, she has connected with a growing fanbase through highly confessional, left-of-center pop songwriting that instantly connects with relatable millennial feelings of self-doubt and discovery.

Originally born in Boston, Sloan moved to Los Angeles and immediately began writing for pop giants Charli XCX, Dua Lipa, Camila Cabello, as well as collaborating with dance stars like Kygo and Odesza. When she decided to step out as a solo artist, Sasha Sloan was presented in her most prime form -- immediately establishing an honest sonic identity with “Ready Yet.” Fast forward to less than a year later and her career is booming, with a Joywave support tour under her belt, several major festival performances lined up, millions on millions of Spotify streams, and a record deal with Sony’s RCA Records. Her debut EP, sad girl, was released with RCA in late April 2018, featuring six singles that are perfectly-tailored for solo cry sessions and as empowering breakup anthems alike.

We chatted with Sasha Sloan shortly before the record release and her interview answers flowed out just like her song lyrics: sans filter. Read more below and pick up your tickets to one of Sloan’s upcoming shows here.

Sasha Sloan Live Shows & Festival Dates:

06/22, Bonanza Campout, Heber City, Utah

07/06, Common Ground Festival, Lansing, MI

07/10, Great Scott, Allston, MA

07/13, Newport Music Hall, Columbus, OH*

07/14, Cannery Ballroom, Nashville, TN*

07/16, Delmar Hall, St. Louis, MO*

07/17, The Jones Assembly, Oklahoma City, OK*

08/05, Lollapalooza, Chicago, IL

08/10, Outside Lands, San Francisco, CA

*Oh Wonder Support

OTW: Before you went solo, you wrote for a ton of other artists. What led to the decision to start the official Sasha Sloan project?

Sasha: Well, I think I’ve always been an artist. I wrote this one song “Ready Yet” which is my first release, and that was the first song that I felt like was me and was really personal, so I couldn’t give it away. So once I wrote that, it just felt natural to start releasing my own stuff under my own name.

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OTW: And after “Ready Yet,” it seemed like an outpouring of emotion in every song you released. “Runaway” is my jam. How did you get comfortable being so vulnerable?

Sasha: I think that’s just who I am. I would feel uncomfortable putting out songs that were pop and happy, because that’s not who I am when I write. Which is kind of weird, because I’m genuinely a very positive person. Well, people who know me might disagree; I’m pretty cynical and jaded for the most part. (Laughs) But when I write for some reason, I just get really emotional, so it feels most natural to me. Hopefully I can start writing happy songs at some point in my life.

OTW: Is that in the works?

Sasha: I think so, we’ll see. They’ll always be bittersweet for sure.

OTW: Does your songwriting correlate with where you are at that point in your life?

Sasha: I think for me, most of these songs were written before I had broken up with my boyfriend, so they were kind of foreshadowing. Super weird, I know. He’s heard them, but they weren’t released until after we were broken up, thank god. He’s probably like, “What the fuck?” But I think sometimes when I’m writing, I don’t really know what’s going on in my brain, so I’ll write something and be like, “Oh shit, this is how I’m actually feeling.” Even if I can’t admit it to myself. I released “Runaway,” and we had broken up, and I remember listening to it one night, and that was the first time I cried about a breakup. It was super weird.

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OTW: Amazing! Backtracking to your songwriting credits -- any highlights that you want to share?

Sasha: Yeah, I mean I moved to LA when I was 19 and just started writing for other people. Got signed to Warner/Chappell when I was at Berklee in Boston. It’s been a really slow grind -- I think because I had a lot to learn when I first moved to LA. I didn’t know anything. I was a jazz snob, and I hated pop music, so I think it took me a second to really love pop music, and now I’m obsessed with it. But I’ve been really fortunate to work with Camila, Dua, Charli XCX, all these girls who paved the way for me and showed me what it’s like to be an artist.

OTW: What steps do you take to make sure your music is different from that typical Top 40 sound?

Sasha: I think I’ve been writing for so long that it’s easy to take that hat off and just be myself. But it’s been nice because I kind of have the tools to write a pop song, which I didn’t have before, so I can channel me into a pop song better than I would have been able to three years ago. But it’s weird -- I just kind of know when a song is for me. It’s just a feeling; I can’t explain it.

OTW: So obviously you seem to be very comfortable with yourself, but then there’s songs like “Normal” about trying to fit in. Have you transitioned out of that?

Sasha: I think I’m accepting the fact that I’m a bit weird. (Laughs) And I’m okay with that. I think I tried really hard to fit in and be like other writers around me, and I didn’t know who I was. Once I let that go, I felt more confident knowing that I’m not sane, which is fine for me now. I still have days where I’m like, “Should I wear this instead of this?” I’m still insecure as fuck. But, we’re working on it.

OTW: So you’re from Boston. What are your thoughts on Dunkin’ Donuts?

Sasha: (Laughs) I miss it, very very much. I’ve tried it here, but you know what the difference is? You don’t get treated like shit in LA. In Boston, people who work at Dunkin’ Donuts are Bostonians, and they’re rude to you. It’s part of the experience. In LA, everyone is so fake, so the experience isn’t the same. There are also no drive-thrus, which is huge for me. I really hate getting out to get my coffee here.

OTW: Okay, I’m glad we cleared this up! So you also had some collaborations with Kygo, King Henry and ODESZA -- how did those come about and what was the experience like?

Sasha: They all came about in different ways. ODESZA was a session; they just played the track and my friend Nuni and I wrote the topline to it. And now they’re friends and I love them, really great dudes. They all came about through me being a writer, but with Kygo, I was just at camp, and we played it on guitar and he put it out. You never really know what’s going on as a songwriter, you just go ahead and do your best and hope it comes out.

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OTW: So when you go in and sit in the studio, what’s the first step you take to channel some feelings?

Sasha: It depends on who you’re writing with, and who you’re writing for. If the artist is in the room, I usually take a backseat, and I’m just like, “What’s going on in your life?” And then I’ll let them do most of it, and I’ll be more of an editor, but then when it’s just me I just write everything myself. I feel like when you’re an artist, it should come from you, and that’s why when I’m working with other artists, that’s usually the role I take. With DJs it’s different; “This Town” I probably would have released myself if Kygo didn’t, because it’s a super personal song for me. It just depends on the situation, but usually I like to start with lyrics, that’s really important to me.

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OTW: So you just signed to RCA, congrats! How did you decide that that’s the right home for you?

Sasha: RCA and I have had a good relationship for a while now, just for me being a writer. I just love the people there; they really get the vision. I think they’ve always understood who I am, with being able to release my own music first independently, and kind of show who I am -- they really got it after that. All the pieces just fell into place, and I’m really excited. It’s going to be nice to not have to do everything myself anymore.

OTW: So we’ve talked a lot about your process in figuring out who you are -- if you could sum it up into one sentence, who are you?

Sasha: An anxious mess, mostly. I don’t know, I’m just really normal. I don’t really do anything crazy. I’m a full on grandma, who’s very emotional, and likes to write songs. (Laughs)

OTW: With so many breakup songs, what would be your number one piece of advice?

Sasha: See the red flags, don’t ignore them. And if you can’t be yourself in a relationship, don’t be in it, because it’s not right. That was hard for me to learn, I’m still learning it.

OTW: Great advice. So you did “Psychopath” with Nina Nesbitt and Charlotte Lawrence. What happened when you first got in the room together?

Sasha: We had never met before, but we had a track already -- Henry had produced it. With most sessions if you meet someone for the first time, you don’t usually get anything, but I think we all felt the pressure like, “Oh shit, we need to write something today.” It was actually really fun in the end; the girls are really tight, and I really like them. We all got along and wrote a song that we all liked it, which was dope. I was really scared that someone was going to hate it. For me, the song is about people in your life who are haters, they wanted an empowerment song, so that’s kind of what came out. I think we each have our own interpretation of what it means to us, which is cool. I’ve never collaborated with two other girls before.

OTW: How was the tour with Joywave? What was your favorite part?

Sasha: It was really dope. My favorite part was that honestly, I’d never performed these songs live before. I had seen songs that I’d written be performed to audiences before, but I’ve never been the one singing them. All my songs are so personal to me -- like you can see streams on a computer, but when you’re performing live to someone, it’s like, “Okay, you’re really listening.” It was really cool to see people react; I learned a lot as a writer, too -- what songs didn’t work and what songs do work. Now, when I go in the studio I have that in the back of my head, which is cool. I really liked performing and being in that world, because I’ve been stuck in the studio for three years, and being live is just a whole other experience.

OTW: What is on the horizon?

Sasha: I’m opening for Oh, Wonder in June, and Eden in the fall. I’m playing a bunch of festivals: Lollapalooza, ACL, Bonnaroo, Outside Lands. Really excited for all of them, a lot of performing is on the horizon.

OTW: So who are some of your Ones to Watch artists?

Sasha: Phoebe Bridgers, amazing. I’m such a huge fan of hers. I’m really not hip to music, I usually write something and then be so sick of the loop by the end of the day that I just play video games, so I’m really bad. King Princess is really dope -- I only know “1950” but she’s amazing.

#sasha sloan #interview #pop #indie #sad girl

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