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creativebrainrot · 1 year

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I want to write up a little open journal entry about yesterday, and well. Life, lately.

Content Warning for the death of a pet. mentions of abuse. mentions of my abuser.

Today was the day of my childhood pet's vet appointment. BK had been off her thyroid medication since late January / early February this year. I didn't realize how long that was, my dad had been trying and failing to save up for her healthcare. Yesterday, she was panting, didn't want to be touched, on top of other health issues we noticed this/last week, and we knew she was dying. One day off of her appointment, after we finally had managed to save up. When we set the appointment it was a 17 day long wait, and I knew she wouldn't make it. She was put to rest yesterday, I asked my dad to take her to vet to be put to sleep. I've watched too many animals die slowly in this house because we couldn't take care of them. We had saved up just enough for her euthanasia.

The night of the 25th I thought she was already dying, so I pet her and laid my head on her body like one last goodbye but she woke up. I tried to sleep but I had to check on her one more time before I could and when I looked where she usually was, she was still staring at my bedroom door.

When I woke up she was already in a bad state.

I got one last goodbye and goodmorning from her.

she was a really cute cat, I had her since I was 4 or 5. She died at 17 or 16 years old and she was so so so happy and sweet and cute for every single one of those years.

I couldn't go to the vet's with my dad. I had just woken up and I despise crying infront of other people. I don't like it. (I don't like it because I don't look how I should. no other reason. people see a "short little girl" and I hate it.)

We tried to work a bit yesterday, the day she left. But our car's engine light came on, and that was just too much to deal with.

I have no reason to stay in this house anymore. Neither does my dad. Today, 27th of April, 2023, we're going to seriously start moving. Selling things we don't want, packing up what we do want.

We spent this whole year so far trying to just save up enough to move smoothly but honestly? I think it will feel smooth even if we have to buy a car that's definitely a one-way ticket. Even if it's the worst used-lemon of a car we've ever driven before, we'll be somewhere that's finally our's.

This house was the very last bargaining chip our abuser used against us. I cannot emphasize enough that everything was rigged against us from the very start. The mortgage company won't talk to my dad. When our abuser was alive they didn't talk to my dad either- none of the companies did. My dad wasn't the sole owner so he never got to apply for any of the housing aid he wanted to. and then desantis. who doesn't exactly "like" poor people. like us. or anyone remotely like us at all, actually.

If we can just get to somewhere new- be it a mobile home, two apartments, a house in a state like this one, it will STILL be an upgrade. Because the system, including our own personal abuser, never let this be our house. This is just "where we're stuck living," and it's been that my entire life.

my dad wanted so badly to fix this house up and love it but everyday it gets a bit harder to stay here. Everyday a new issue crops up that makes us ask, "why are we still trying to live here?"

even if we did like the house, we're still in a state that get's too hot for us to live comfortably, we're still in a state that wants us dead. we're still cut off from care we need and in a state where everything is too expensive for us.

So it's time to say goodbye and move. I'm only 21 and I don't want to watch my dad die in this house- he's in good health. And we want it to stay that way. We're hoping Maine has clinics that we can afford care from easier. DoorDash usually gets us 20$ an hour, so if we can get a car that can keep driving or maybe fix our current one, we'll be right back on our feet. My dad was looking into DoorDash's e-bike program, he really loves working for DoorDash.

My personal dream is an apartment all to myself that's just the right size for my cat and I, that I can make money off of vocal work & art from. I want to work from home so that I'm never forced outside when I don't want to be or can't handle it. I want to work from home because all my friends right now are online. I want a nice apartment within walking distance of nice places.

I want true freedom for myself and my dad. and I think, we'll get that.

no matter what.

#death of a pet #animal death #and thank you to every single one of you who boosted the donation post or donated to us #you have no idea how much that means to me #i spent 20 years convinced id never be more than a footnote in other people's lives #convinced i was the single exception to human kindess #all because of the poison my abuser fed into my mind #but no #the child i kept alive in my heart was right this entire time #that little kid who feared nothing and no one #always knew he was fucking lying to us #so thank you. for caring. for proving my demons wrong. and for proving that prick wrong.#I knew other people were not as heartless as him.#The one thing I will never regret is keeping hope alive in my heart all these years through any means necessary.#rottingjournals #rotthoughts

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