#color and I call them 'cheese rock'. I'm pretty sure this one is of the 'cheese rock' species but it just has weird brown coloration | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ritacaroline · 1 year

Text

A New Series

By Ritacaroline

Quips n Blips to Ponder

Episode 4

My Latest Genius Idea

It regards lipstick. Do not try to steal this idea under penalty of law. Do you promise ?

Check 1 for yes.

Check 2 for no.

Check 3 for - I don't even use lipstick.

Check 4 for : your idea is lame. Now get me a sausage n pepper hero and shut the F up.

Official Patented Idea :

Deep thinking lipstick plan. ( not sure if I made this up or not. I'm leaning toward yes, I did. If not, my apologies.)

I will apply poison lipstick to my top lip and antidote lipstick to my bottom lip. This will insure for a thrilling yet ultimately neutral kiss. Get ready. Buttercup. I mean pucker up. Mother Fu....hey - it rhymes.

Now that we have your attention, will you please fill in this easy questionnaire ? Provided by the IRS.

Please circle the appropriate #.

How do you plan on filing this year ?

1 single

2 jointly

3 accurately

4 exponentially

6 extra well done

7 no pickles

8 orange is the new black

Do you own any chickens and if so how many ?

Yes

1 chicken

2 chickens

3 any geese ?

What do you plan to do with eggs laid by said chickens ?

1. Normal uses Ex. Breakfast. Or cupcake baking.

2. Abnormal purposes : juggling, egging peoples homes who have wronged you, using them for buoyancy experiments. For science.

3. All of the above

What are their names ?

1. Gingy ( short for Ginger. )

2. Betsy

3. Wilma

4. Rocko ( strangely he never lays eggs ?)

5. Killer

6. Jasper Lewis

7. Other : list here. Please use colored pencils to describe personality of each chicken

8. Scrambled or sunny side up ? Extra $1 charge for poached. Benedict gravy ?

How often do you order delivery pizza ?

1 weekly

2 monthly

3 none of your business

4 extra cheese

5 lactose intolerant

( please circle just one)

How many children do you have ?

1 a few

2 none

3 too damn many

4 please call the child endangerment agency

5 do you need a gallon of milk

What's your level of formal education ?

1 grammar school

2 jr high

3 high school

4 none

5 a little college but no diploma

6 PhD

8 fancy country day school in Connecticut

9 Dumb as a door nail

10 Dumber than a bag of rocks

( there is a difference, Gary)

11 I've been whapped in the head with a 2 by 4

12 I've fallen and I can't get up

13 Oops, I crapped my pants ( official brand patent )

Do you have a job ?

1 yes

2 no

3 I sponge off my parents

4 high security government worker

5 work at Area 51 and I know alien secrets

6 is this Scully ?

7 why did you ruin your pretty face w plastic surgery ? That was just wrong

How long is your anaconda ?

1. 7 in

2. 8 in

3. Are you a girl ? If so, please move on

4. Are you Robert Plant ? We see you :

Rob, please, Cover up that bait n tackle set. You're scaring the children.

What is your sexual orientation ?( it's ok. You can tell us. It's for science)

1. Hetero

2. Homo

3. Bi

4. Gay

5. Silly

6. Lesbian

7. LGBT Lmnop

8. Asexual

9. Loss of appetite

10. ED erectile dysfunction

Why do you lie to us ?

1. Just because

2. Can't help it. The girl can't help it.

3. I do not lie

4. You lie like a rug

5. I want more $ back please

6. Ok, just keep it real, man

7. I know it's only rock n roll but I like it ( yes I do ).

8. I am not a crook

Do you dress appropriately for work ?

1 yes

2 no

3 sometimes

4 no underwear

5 suit with tie

6 dresses or skirt

7 torn jeans

8 fashion savvy

9 I don't understand

10 I'm too sexy for my shirt, that's right. I like to paaart - ie. What you think about that ?

Do a little dance ? Make a little love ?

1 get down tonight

2 get down tonight

3 talk about it talk about it talk about it, woo woo Wu

Do you have a huge ass ?

1 yes

2 no

3 massive

4 cars often line up behind you when you wear white pants. Bc they think they're at a drive-in movie. And your ass is the big screen.

5 popcorn?

7 extra butter ?

8 I have a teensy weensy ass.

9 are you lying ? Show us a photo.

10 cellulite ?

What is the operation level of your penie ?

1 works just fine thank you very much

2 on the fence. Literally. On the fence.

3 never works when I want it to

4 he is shy and dainty

5 all the young girls love Alice. Tender young Alice they say.....

6 unpredictable

7 they thought I was a female when I was born. Figured out I was a boy by age 6

How much money do you earn ( so we can grab as much of it as we can, just being honest girls. )

1. a little

2. I do ok

3. All the girls love the bulge in my pants. The one in my back pocket.

4. If I stand on my head I can spit out maybe one wooden nickel.

Have you ever seen an albino squirrel ? Tell the truth. No bragging please.

https://share.icloud.com/photos/00eC0MxUQswLfEk41jwxx4-VQ

What, pray tell, is your claim to fame ?

1 hair dresser

2 the tremendous beast in my pants

3 pair of Ds in my bra. PS they're spectacular and they're real

4 can eat an entire pint of B n Js in one sitting. That is, if no piece of garbage steals it right outa the bag !!

5 can play any song you want on your bass. But no one can tell what song it is

6 just kidding. Don't get mad now.

7 your pants are too loose and fall down when you're on line in Walmart

8 thank God you were wearing clean undies that day

Last but not least, please describe your attractability to the opposite sex :

1. I'm damn handsome and the world knows it

2. Average

3. Well. I refuse to disclose this info ( means : pretty harsh lookin)

4. I'm gloriously beautiful

5. People are not sure whether to call me miss or sir. So they resort to - hey ! You !

6. Soy, un pendador. I'm a loser baby. So why don't you kill me ?

Folks, please take your W2s and your payment and staple them to your forehead. ( no bouncing checks please, we know you're just trying to stall. ) then, mail it to :

Uncle Sam

Care of ripmeoff.com

Thank you for being a friend Blvd

We luv what you do for us, Washington DC, Virginia USA

Do not forget to add a stamp. And lick the envelope. So we can obtain a DNA sample from you. It's the way we roll.

Note : please expect a weight loss of 0.5 to 3 lbs after you have paid us. From loss of cash.

1 note · View note

vegandoughnut · 5 years

Text

PART 5: Are You Kitting Me?

"You're good to go, Anekke" says Stephen, scribbling on his clipboard as if he were actually using it for something. Anekke frowns.

"I can't just finish the hour?" She presses, nearly pouting.

"Fine but make sure you clock out on the dot. I just don't have the patience this evening" Stephen says, voice laden with an exhaustion that doesn't even make sense. Anekke continues to spray some of the food prep surfaces with the natural mint scented surface cleaner and wipes with the cleaning rag.

Humbert hums in a whiny pitch as he adds the finishing touches to another serving of the Fall Special. Black anise waffles, vibrant orange pumpkin ice cream, chocolate chips and raisins, cat face drawn with chocolate or molasses. The ingredients seem to have plastered themselves all over Anekke's brain. She mutters them to herself as she cleans.

"What's that?" Comes Humbert's voice.

She ignores him, almost laughing with relief when Kitt joins them behind the counter. Kitt looks tired, with dark circles forming under her eyes. She flashes a smile to counter it.

"You need a coffee" Anekke says.

"You've never been more right" Kitt replies, picking up the staff french press off the ceramic hot plate, and pouring herself a mug of aromatic medium roast. "I have like five minutes to snag Gary Nygard's autograph but I just can't bring myself to. This is a once in a lifetime thing. Like. He's going back to Finland at some point. The band doesn't even tour anymore. Today literally feels like a weird dream and I don't know how to move. Like I'm walking through invisible cake batter or something"

"This is not a therapy session. You have a customer Kittie" says Humbert. Kitt sucks her teeth before turning to face the rest of the cafe to take a customer's order.

"You know we already have a supervisor and a manager right?" Anekke says through clenched teeth. Even if Humbert had said it to Kumlyun instead of Kitt, she would still jump in on the defense. She was getting tired of Humbert's antics, and was glad she'd be going home soon.

Humbert grunts and gets back to putting together a catering box.

"Wow" says Anekke, shaking her head.

A customer walks up to the bar holding Salem, the chill black cat purred softly in his arms. He orders an oat milk vanilla shake. She let's Kitt take that order, then goes back to cleaning, annoyed that earlier Kumlyun had implied the mess was made by her, when really it was probably Harper who was often sloppy with the food prep and forgetful of cleaning up. But at least she made Kumlyun look bad by implying she came in on her day off on purpose.

Finally some serenity blankets the cafe when all the customers are seated and eating, drinking or petting or feeding the cats they were paired with. Anekke quickly checks her pocket planner and crosses off a few things she remembered to do.

Memorize the recipe for the blueberry muffins by heart. Check. Disinfect the sink. Check. Renew library checkouts online. Check. Schedule a dentist appointment for next week. Check. Organize the discarded customer cards into her little file folder. Check.

"Anekke"

Anekke nearly jumps out of her skin when Kitt places a hand on her shoulder from behind.

"You scared me Kitt" she says, stealthily shrugging out from under her hand.

"I seem to do that for a lot of people" she says with a frown. "Anyway, what time are you leaving? so I know when to mentally prepare for the next few grueling hours behind this counter"

"Honestly just 30 minutes to go" says Anekke, taking a sneaky bite of the energy bar she hid in her half apron.

"Okay. Thanks" says Kitt.

Carl turns to look at the counter and smiles warmly when he coincidentally catches Anekke's eye. She smiles back quickly but goes back to her resting face just as soon.

"Hey Carl, want to cover for me real quick?" Kitt calls from the bar, undoing her waist apron.

Carl walks over immediately, and almost trips over a feathered pet toy but regains his balance without much embarrassment. Anekke watches intently. Still nervous, that one.

"You'll be working with the pretty blond, she should have no problem drawing in lots of orders so you can take a few pointers" says Kitt to Carl. Anekke's head spins upon hearing the strange sentence, and she wonders what Kitt was really saying. She had to force herself not to spiral into the whirlpool forming inside of her. What does she mean? What does that mean? Is it face value? Is there a joke or jab hidden in the arrangement of the words? Why does Kumlyun complain so much? Does Kumlyun whisper lies about Anekke to Kitt? Is Kitt trustworthy? Is Kitt priming Carl against her? She said "pretty blond". Maybe she should go to HR about Kitt. That'll make things make sense.

Carl and Kitt switch places. Carl ties a waist apron on and picks up a few beechwood mixing spoons. Why?

"Break a leg" Anekke tells Kitt who walks carefully towards Gary Nygard. Kitt flashes a confident cheese smile before heading straight for the Special Guest, the charming gothic rock star who had been in the cafe since before noon.

Anekke had thought he'd looked familiar, then realized he was a member of a band that had been really popular back when she was in high school. Yuck, she thinks, picturing those cringey teenage years in her mind with distaste. It was hard to imagine Kitt was one of the spooky kids who were obsessed with vampires and fingerless gloves, but who would've imagined that "pretty blond" Anekke was a nerd with no friends? The one who, even if she tried to make a joke, it came off as awkward or distasteful? Why were these things bothering her so suddenly?

20 minutes pass. Two customers came. Carl had watched eagerly when Anekke operated the waffle maker which she hated completely. The waffles would sometimes have holes in the outer pockets around the edges if the batter didn't spread perfectly. That's why she hated it.

"See you guys on Thursday" Anekke says, gathering her khaki trench coat, personal mug and backpack. It was without really looking at anyone in particular.

A few co-workers say bye in friendly voices. Why so friendly? Do they think she's stupid? Childish?

Then Carl says, "thanks for the tip about the waffle maker. I'm sure people prefer a perfect waffle over the skeleton of one" he says with a warm smile, trying to make her laugh probably. Anekke nods then goes out the door, relieved beyond words.

Kitt pulls her fingers through her dreads, which were the color of fallen leaves--- the characteristic Autumn hue between plum and red. She felt just slightly embarrassed to meet one of her teenage rock idols looking like a millennial-barista-spoken-word-slam-night-attendee-who-keeps-a-million-potted -succulents-around-their-house person, but so it goes. Some of teen-life's craziest caterpillars emerged from their cocoons as less stand-outy butterflies.

But there he was. Gary Nygard looking exactly the same, though less dressy, as she remembered during the heyday of Finnish metal's popularity in her generation. Jetty curtains of hair. The cozy cat skull sweatshirt over the pants with the boots. Gosh his legs were so perfectly thin. Kitt shakes her head.

"Darling" Nygard's voice steals Kitt's attention as he strokes just under the fuzzy siamese cat Sandra's chin. He is smiling slightly. "Is all well?" he says nodding towards her, like he could sense her trepidation, "this is a lovely place, beautiful really. Tell your boss, see, to keep doing whatever he or she is doing to keep it going. The cats are so dear, and you, all of you, have been lovely hosts"

He's so sweet and down to earth and candid and Scandinavian and beautiful and what inspired that song.... and will the band ever get back together and what does he do now that the band is... omg stop brain, stop it.... Kitt thinks.

"How long has the place been running for? It seems like a very hip sort of thing, an import, from Japan maybe... lovely country, Japan. They're very nice there" he continues as Sandra squirms and scratches at his sweater. But Gary Nygard is on to the silly cat, trying to distract her by scratching behind her ears while her head is turned in the opposite directions.

Kitt's mouth opens and closes. She blinks a mile a minute yet there's no wind in her face.

"Just a few years" Kitt responds, finding her composure again and holding onto it for dear life. "Yeah cat cafes, well, themed cafes in general, seem to be way more popular over there. This is kind of a knock---"

"A knock-off, but very nice" he finishes for her with a chuckle. He scratches his head then throws back the last of his green smoothie, Sandra sitting snugly nuzzled into his side on the velvet highback chair. Kitt watches the bob of his Adam's apple as he swallows the drink, the pale white of his throat exposed and blinding.

Suddenly she forgets that she can language, and just clasps and un-clasps her hands.

"It was lovely. Truly" he says, getting up from the chair. All 5'10 of him. Sandra scampers off across the cafe to bother some of the other kitties. "Kittie? Was that your name? Good girl" he mutters, pulling on his faux fur jacket. Kitt stands there dumbly.

She is frozen as he crosses the room towards the front door. She pretends to go fix tables near there then discreetly says, "wait. Sorry just a minute"

He stops and turns to face her, pulling a dark grey beanie over his hair and looking more and more like a mysterious pedestrian, becoming less and less real at the same despite. He was crossing the threshold of Kitt's world, reality, back into the far away world of teen angst nostalgia and dreams come true and old fires doused.

"I was a big fan when I was high school..." she says, quietly, softly, only he could hear.

He grins. A warm and genuine smile that touches his eyes that turn up slightly at the outer corners, like a cat's. He hands her his VIP customer lanyard and tag with his name and personality notes on there in his real life, almost-neat handwriting. The one thing customers usually toss.

"Thank you for today, Kittie" he says, with a brief, too light pat on her shoulder.

Then he's out the door.

Just like that.

A dream.

#furistas cat cafe fan fiction #furistas cat cafe #furistas #cat cafe game #cat cafe fan fic #cat cafe #anekke #kitt #carl

1 note · View note