#changkyun duality | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

santoteez · 2 years

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Love Haul - Changkyun

Genre: Smut/Fluff

Idol: Im Changkyun of MONSTA X

Word Count: 4.5K

Warnings: NOT edited, swearing, oral m and f receiving, dirty talk, overstimulation, squirting, pwp, penetrative sex, reader is black fem (any warnings I forgot pls let me know im so sorry it is almost 1 am for me)

Tiana scowled as she watched Changkyun open shop. The blond-haired boy had rented out the retail space across from Tiana’s clothing store about a month ago, and that’s when it all started to go downhill. She watched as her sales declined while even her regulars browsed and purchased every garment on his walls. She rubbed her temples, leaning forward against the counter. What was so special about that store? Was there gold embedded in the stitching?

At that moment, Changkyun stepped out onto the sidewalk. He took a deep breath, running a hand through his bleached locks. His gaze met Tiana’s, their eyes locking for a split second. He sent a smirk her way, leaning against the mailbox.

Tiana’s scowl deepened as she looked away, opening the till.

“Close that drawer, because you know as well as I do the amount of bills in there hasn’t changed,” Amara called out from the stockroom.

“Don’t make me fire you,” Tiana grumbled.

“Over telling you the truth? That’s unlawful.” She walked up to the counter, looking out to the other store. “But seriously, Tee, I’ve never seen you this worked up over someone before. And I’ve known you for a decade.”

“I’m not worked up,” Tiana retorted, “I’m just worried we haven’t made enough to keep the lights on.”

“Don’t talk like that. Okay, maybe we’ve had a few slow days.” Amara shrugged.

“It’s going to be a slow month if that store keeps booming the way it is.”

“There you go worrying about that man again. How can you expect shoppers to think about Love-Washed if you’re not even doing it?” Amara pushed herself off the counter. “I’m going to count the inventory.”

“Again?”

“It beats standing here with the Changkyun Fanclub.”

Tiana pouted. Sure, the man was attractive, but that wasn’t the point. She wasn’t worked up about Changkyun, it was Duality she had a problem with.

While Love-Washed was a boutique with primarily feminine clothing and jewelry, Duality was a unisex and genderless outlet. Changkyun didn’t believe in clothing exclusively for one binary or the other; if it fits, wear it. This is what drove so many people to his store in the first place.

Tiana turned to the display stand behind her, removing the jewelry that was on it.

*ding*

Tiana froze. Was that the door? This was the first time someone had come into the store all day.

She stood up straight. “Welcome to Love-” She paused.

There, standing in the middle of her store, was Im Changkyun.

She sighed. “What are you doing here?”

He chuckled. “Tiana, why are you so mean?”

“I’m not mean, I just want to know why you’re here.”

“I’m shopping.”

Tiana narrowed her eyes at the much taller man. “What are you interested in?”

“Something pretty, but not too flashy.”

Tiana nodded, lowering to the display case in front of her. “I have these. Or maybe you’re in the market for a bracelet or ring?”

Changkyun scanned the variety of necklaces before shaking his head. “None of these are quite what I’m looking for.”

“Well, what ARE you looking for?”

He lifted his head, looking just past Tiana. “There was this necklace up on that shelf a while ago. It had a purple heart gemstone, possibly amethyst.”

“Oh,” Tiana’s eyes widened, “Yes, it’s here. I just took it down.” She turned, reaching into the bin next to her.

“Is there a reason you took it down?”

She shrugged. “It’s been up there for a while. No one’s bought it, so I’m switching it out for a new one.”

“So what do you do with them afterward?”

“Put them in the stockroom, either circulate them again or donate them. Did you want a bag?”

“No, that’s okay. How much?”

“$63.78.” Tiana swiped his card before handing it back along with his receipt. “Here you are.” She smiled.

“Thanks, neighbor.” He dropped the necklace into his pocket. “I’ll be seeing you.” He smiled, spinning on his heels.

Tiana watched as he walked out the door, crossing the cobblestone walkway before entering his store once more. She leaned forward, her head resting in her palm. Was the necklace for himself? A gift? Probably not a gift if he didn’t even need a bag.

She blinked. Why did she even care? It wasn’t her business. Exhaling audibly, she picked up her bin of jewelry and made her way to the stockroom.

2 weeks later, Tiana was flipping through a magazine when the door's chime caught her attention.

“Look who it is,” Her gaze returned to her magazine, “It’s been so long I was worried you forgot how to get here.” She said, sarcasm evident in her tone.

“Aww, Tiana. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you missed little ol’ me.” Carmela smirked, strutting up to the counter as if Love-Washed was her runway. “You know I could never abandon my favorite store.”

“Your favorite store you haven’t been to in almost a month.”

Carmela sighed. “Darling, you know I have to stay on top of trends. And Duality has been all the rage in the shopping center since it opened. Surely you understand.”

Tiana sighed. Carmela was an influencer with a big following, so she was the conductor if there was a new bandwagon.

“So what brings you in today?”

“Can’t you tell? Duality is closed, love. I came to see what’s new over here.”

“They’re closed?” Tiana furrowed her eyebrows, “I didn’t know that.”

“Well, it looks like someone is in there, but the sign on the door says they aren’t taking any customers.” Carmela shrugged. “Enough about them. Show me what I’ve missed in my absence.” She waved her hand around frantically.

Tiana pulled out the displays from the cabinet. Carmela may have only been there by chance, but she had to make money somehow.

Several hours and multiple customers later, Tiana found herself at the window at the front of the store. She squinted her eyes at the sign, but couldn’t make out the words.

“Amara, I’ll be right back!” She called out, not waiting for a response.

She walked through the threshold, her sandals clicking against the cobblestone. Up close, she made out the words ‘Closed for creative development. See you tomorrow.’ scribbled on the copy paper.

“Huh, they really are closed,” Tiana said, leaning against the door to peek in. The door suddenly swung open, and she stumbled through the threshold.

Tiana held her breath, scared that an exhale would turn into a gasp. The sign says it’s closed, but the door is unlocked? She looked around. There were no workers and Changkyun was nowhere to be found. Had the door been left unlocked by accident?

She walked further in, observing the garments along the walls, racks, and shelves. She noticed the flowy, white button-up Changkyun wore to her shop two weeks ago. She made her way to the marble stone counter, then passed that to a door that said ‘Authorized Staff Only.’ She pushed the door curiously and just like the front, this one swung wide open.

“What am I doing? This is ridiculous.” She said to herself. The sign clearly says closed, and yet here she was peeking into the backroom. Surely she wouldn’t be happy if someone did this at her store, so why was she here?

Just as she was about to turn around, walk out and forget she was ever there, something caught her eye. There, in the far corner of the room, was a sewing machine. It looked like someone had left it mid-use, as the fabric was hanging from the presser. Next to the machine, was a pile of paper sprawled across the table.

Tiana hesitated. She knew she should leave. It was wrong for her to be there, but something about those papers was causing her to gravitate further into the room. Were they sketches? Plans for his next collection? What was he working on?

‘I’ll just take a peek.’ She thought to herself. Yeah, she’d just take a look at what he’s working on, and try to understand his creative process for his collections. Then she’d walk back out and forget she was ever there.

She reached the table and thumbed through the sketches. Her eyes widened in awe. Changkyun was extremely talented if these were any indication. He paid great attention to detail and created his ideas with a wide variety of bodies in mind.

She nodded to herself. She had taken a glance at his work as she said. It was time to leave. She backed up only to hit a warm, firm chest. She froze as she watched a pair of toned arms circle around her and rest on the table, trapping her in.

“What do we have here?”

If it were possible for time to sit completely still, void of all movement, Tiana was experiencing it right now. Her insatiable nosiness led her straight to Changkyun’s arms. She was no better than a rabbit chasing a carrot on a string.

She turned around slowly, coming face to face with that godforsaken smirk she’s only seen from across the street numerous times before.

“Hm? You usually have a lot to say. You’re so quiet today.” He mumbled, his hand reaching up to grasp her chin.

Tiana instinctively tried to back up but it was no use, her lower back pressing into the table behind her.

“Hm, let’s see here. I know you didn’t come over here just to say hi. You don’t like me enough to do that.” He peeked behind her at the table. “Seemed very interested in my work. If I didn’t know any better I’d say you’re trying to steal from me.”

Tiana blinked. She scanned his features for any sign that he might be joking. Finding none, she refuted, “There isn’t a bone in my body that steals.”

“Oh? So it hasn’t crossed your mind the entire time you’ve been here?”

She sighed, refusing to meet his gaze. Okay, maybe she thought about it once or twice. But she wasn’t going to admit that to him.

“If you’re not going to talk, I’m sure the other merchants in town would love to hear how a fellow store owner was caught snooping around someone else’s designs.”

Tiana scoffed. “Like they’d believe you. That’s not even what I was doing!”

Changkyun raised an eyebrow. “Enlighten me.”

“I heard from Carmela that you were closed today, so I was trying to read the sign. But it was handwritten and hard to see, so I came to see what it said. I leaned against the door because I just couldn’t believe the store that nearly put me out of business is suddenly closed. That’s when I realized the door was unlocked and I stumbled in. It was the first time I’ve ever been in here, so I got distracted taking it all in. Before I realized what I was doing, I was at the staff door and then at the table letting curiosity get the best of me. Then you caught me and here we are.”

“Oh? So that’s the story?”

“It’s what happened.”

“Well, now that you’re here and you’ve peeked into my work, what do you think?”

Tiana turned back around. “There’s no denying your talent, that’s for sure.” It was true. From the sketches to the choice of fabrics, Changkyun knew what he was doing.

“A compliment. From Tiana herself?” He laughed when she smacked his arm. “Thank you. I’m hoping to get at least a couple of them done before showing my team. They get the last say on if I should make more to put on the floor or not.”

“You sew all of these yourself?” She asked in disbelief. There’s no way everything on the sales floor came from Changkyun sitting at this sewing machine.

“Don’t sound so surprised,” He chuckled, stepping towards Tiana. He closed the space between them, his chest flush against her back. She wondered when he found the time to work out with running a business. “I have a select few of my team members that help me with sewing once I’ve perfected the design, but most of them are sewn by me personally. A lot of things I’ve sold in the past were sewn by me since I didn’t always have a team.”

Tiana raised her eyebrows, clearly impressed. “Who would’ve known that you were more than a pretty face?”

He smirked. “I have a pretty face?”

“Like you don’t know.” She rolled her eyes.

“I do. I just wanted to hear you say it again.” He said, fingertips lightly grazing her arms, leaving goosebumps in their wake.

“W-what are you doing?” Tiana laughed softly, rubbing her arms.

When Changkyun didn’t respond, Tiana turned to face him, looking up. She locked eyes with him, the intensity of his gaze startling her.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

He leaned forward. “I’m going to kiss you. If you don’t want to kiss me, push me away.”

Tiana panicked as Changkyun came impossibly closer, eyes closed.

Was she really going to just let this happen?

Did she want this?

Sighing, her eyes fluttered shut. ‘Not the craziest thing to happen today.’ she thought.

Millimeters away from her lips, Changkyun opened his eyes slightly. Smirking when he saw her eyes closed, he let his lips crash onto hers.

When their lips met, Tiana’s stomach filled with what she refused to believe were butterflies. His lips and kiss were soft, a sharp contrast from the secure hold he had on her waist. Her hands found purchase in his golden locks, pulling him in closer. He obliged, large hands wrapping around her thighs. His lips trailed down her neck, light bite marks as evidence of his actions.

He caressed her cheek, his lips now beside her ear. “Do you wanna do something for me?”

Tiana looked at him through lidded eyes. “Something like what?” she whispered back.

He spun them around so he was leaning against the table. Tiana watched as he pulled his shirt over his head, flinging it across the room. Her eyes followed his hands as they made work on his belt buckle.

“Get on your knees.”

Now, normally, Tiana would tell a man to go to hell for such a demand.

But that’s not what happened here.

Instead, she sank to the floor without a fight.

“Hmm, look at that. So you do know how to follow instructions.” he laughed when she glared at him. “Come on, I’m just kidding.” He yanked his pants down, his cock straining against the stretchy material of his boxers. He pulled them down just enough to free himself, the organ slapping against his stomach. He ran a hand through his hair while the other beckoned Tiana with a ‘come hither’ motion.

Reaching her hand out, Tiana wrapped her hand around his cock. She took him into her mouth slowly, tongue swirling around the tip.

Changkyun hissed. “That’s it, baby.” He mumbled.

She bobbed her head as she tried to take him whole, humming when her gag reflex kicked in. He was the heaviest she ever had, the weight of him settling on her tongue.

“Mmm, you’re so fucking good at that.” He sighed, smiling when Tiana moaned against him. “Aw, you like hearing that you’re doing a good job? Who would’ve known that the mean woman from across the street would be sucking me off in my backroom? Does Amara know you’re over here with a face full of cock?”

Tiana moaned again, speeding up her efforts. She used her free hand to massage his balls, kneading them vigorously while she hollowed her cheeks, causing Changkyun to throw his head back.

She felt his cock twitch just before he said, “Come here.”

Once she was on her feet again, he pulled her in for a kiss, this time much sloppier and messier than before. He leaned her against the table before pushing all the sketches aside and sitting her in their place. “Lay back.” He said, unbuttoning her pants. Tiana could feel her heart racing as she lifted her hips, allowing him to slide them off her legs.

As if reading her mind, Changkyun rubbed her thigh soothingly. “Don’t feel nervous. It’s okay.” He said, kneeling before the table.

Pulling her panties to the side, he hummed in satisfaction at the dark patch that had formed at the center. “All this just from sucking dick? I think I like you more than I thought I did.” Sticking out his tongue, he licked slowly and languidly from her core to her clit, where he paused to suck harshly.

Tiana gasped, her hands anchoring themselves at the edge of the table. Her back arched off the table as Changkyun’s tongue danced skillfully and gracefully, alternating between short, swift licks and soft, lazy ones.

“Stay still.” Changkyun gritted through his teeth, wrapping his arms around both her thighs, halting all movement.

“It’s too much, can’t take it.” She whimpered.

“You can and you will.” He said, sliding two fingers deep into her wet cunt, curling them expertly.

“Fuck!” Tiana’s breath quickened as her thighs trembled.

Changkyun hummed, sensing her orgasm approaching. “Look at me when you cum.”

Sitting up, Tiana made eye contact with Changkyun, who had become a lust-filled mess. The entire bottom half of his face was glistening with arousal, his pupils were dilated and his gaze was fixated on hers.

“Baby, I’m gonna cum if you keep going like that.” She said, her body set ablaze from the heat this torturous pleasure was emitting.

Finally, the knot in Tiana’s stomach finally snapped and her whole body shook as her orgasm took over. She writhed when Changkyun had yet to stop sucking. She pushed his face away, watching as strings of her arousal stuck to his face, which he licked his mouth clean of.

“So fucking nasty, I love it.” She smirked.

“Only for you.” He replied, kissing her as he stood up. Shoving his hand into the pocket of his pants, he fished out a condom from his wallet.

“I see you’re prepared.” She teased.

He shrugged. “I have to be ready for when my sexy neighbor decides to come snooping into my store and ends up sprawled across my workstation.” He tore the packaging open with his teeth, working the latex down his length.

“You sure this is okay?” He asked

“Just fuck me already.” Tiana replied.

“Understood.” He slid her panties to the side once again, his cock centimeters from her entrance.

“You can take them off, you know.”

“I could,” He agreed, “but I lack the patience for that.”

Changkyun’s eyes fluttered closed as he sunk deeper and deeper into her cunt, groaning once he bottomed out. “Fuck, you’re so tight, baby.”

He lifted her leg to his shoulder. “I’m a bit desperate, baby. You understand, right?”

And then he set the pace.

Fast.

Hard.

Deep.

His thrusts barely gave Tiana a chance to catch her breath. The sound of skin and pleasure filled the room, the table screeching across the concrete floor from the sheer force Changkyun was exuding were all adding to the scenario.

“If it’s too much for you, you can always tap out.” He said, smirking.

Tiana glared. “Keep that advice in mind for yourself.”

“I’ll hold you to that.” He said, angling his thrusts to brush up against that special spot, making Tiana cry out, her heart speeding up and she had her second orgasm of the day. She exhaled, her head hitting the table with a soft thud.

“I didn’t know you could squirt.”

She furrowed her eyebrows. “I can’t.”

“You just did though?”

Sitting up, she inspected the table and sure enough, there was a wet spot on the light mahogany table.

Tiana shrugged. “It was probably you.”

Changkyun gave her a look then snorted. “Whatever you say.” Grabbing the back of her knees, he pulled her to her feet only to turn her around and bend her over the table.

“What are you doing?”

“You thought we were done? Cute.” He said, hands wrapping around her hips as he slid back in. He resumed his brutal pace from before, as if he never stopped.

Tiana whimpered. How the hell could he keep going after all this time? Her legs threatened to give out beneath her, still sensitive from her previous orgasm. She reached for the table, trying to level herself.

Changkyun yanked her back. “Where you going, baby? Don’t tell me you’re running away.” He left hot kisses across her back. “You’re taking me so well. You can keep going for a little while longer, can’t you?”

Tiana nodded, the pleasure and and his words a dangerous mix that had her teeter-tottering off the edge of a lustful cliff.

“Good girl.” He said, his thrusts slowing down significantly, becoming sloppier and sloppier as he approached his climax. Snaking his arm around Tiana’s midsection, his fingers rubbed quick circles on her clit.

“Shh, I know, baby. I know.” he said when she gasped, trying to wiggle away from his touch. “Just give me one more, then we’re done.”

Tiana’s jaw fell slack, a silent scream as her mind went blank and the world fell silent, overwhelmed by pleasure.

“You’re so fucking tight, baby. Your pretty little cunt sucking me in so good. You’re so fucking good.” Changkyun mumbled as he came into the condom. He fell forward, laying his head on Tiana’s back.

“Mmm, you’re heavy. Move.” She hit his head with her shoulder. “And you have to throw that out.” She said, referring to the condom.

“Alright, alright, I’m getting up.” He said, walking to the wastebasket and disposing of the condom.

Tianna finally tried to stand up, only to realize the amount of wetness between her thighs that dripped down to her legs.

“Huh, I guess the stain was me.” She mumbled, dumbfounded.

“Of course it was. Your cum is everywhere.” He said, bringing her her clothes. “There’s a bathroom back there.” He pointed.

Tiana mumbled a thanks before making her way there.

When Tiana emerged from the bathroom, Changkyun was sat at the table in front of the sewing machine once again, as if he didn’t just fuck her brains out.

“So now it’s back to work, huh?” She asked.

He laughed softly. “You’re beautiful, believe me, but I have to keep the lights on.”

“You do more than that I’m sure. The only reason I even had customers today was because you’re closed. I wish I knew a way to get people interested in me again.” She sighed.

Changkyun stood up, walking to a far corner in the room. He came back, fastening something cold to Tiana’s neck.

Glancing down, she noticed it was the necklace he bought from her two weeks ago.

“What are you doing?”

“I bought it because I thought it would look beautiful on you, but I knew you wouldn’t wear it out of hopes it would be sold. Sometimes the best mannequin for your merchandise is yourself. You see me wear my own clothes all the time. That gets me more customers than you think. Try it sometime, it sure beats tossing all your stuff in the backroom.”

“The brains and the brawn, you’re just the whole package aren’t you?” She teased.

“What can I say, it’s hard being this perfect but someone has to take on the burden.” He said feigning tiredness.

Tiana rolled her eyes. “Whatever.”

Changkyun stepped towards her, eyes set on her lips once again. Just as he was about to close the space between them again,

“Changkyun!”

“Kyun, are you here? The front door is unlocked!”

“Someone’s here!” Tiana panicked.

“Shit, it’s Jooheon and Minhyuk. They usually come check on me during my sewing days.”

“I have to go!” Tiana whispered as the footsteps grew closer.

“Through the back, come on!” Changkyun pulled her towards the bathroom, which had a small door that led to the back alley.

“Just go through here and make that first right, you’ll be right out front.” He said.

Tiana nodded, stepping through the threshold.

“Hold on!”

Changkyun grabbed her waist, pulling her in for one more kiss. “Okay, run, go!” He said.

“Changkyun!”

“Back here! Can I use the bathroom for two seconds?” He said, closing the backdoor.

Tiana made her way back into Love-Washed, where Amara was at the counter ringing up the customers.

“Look who finally remembered she owned a store.” She said, rolling her eyes.

“I’m sorry, I lost track of time. You can head back to the stockroom, Ama. I’ll take it from here.” She said, sliding behind the register.

“Hallelujah.”

The next day started just as any other. Tiana sat at the counter watching multitudes of people make their way to Duality. Just as she was about to do inventory once again, the door’s chime went off.

“You know, I’ve never been here, but now that I look, the stuff is so cute!”

Tiana turned around to see two friends in the middle of the store.

“Hi! Welcome to Love-Washed.”

“Oh! Good Morning! We came to browse the store since Changkyun from across the street is doing a sale.” The girls said as dozens more people from across the street made their way into Tiana’s store.

“A sale?”

“Yeah!” One of the girls said. “If we make a purchase here and bring him the receipt, we get 50% from his store! Although now that I’m here, I’ll definitely be coming here more often! It’s so nice to see the store owners here working together!” She showed Tiana the coupon, and sure enough it said:

‘Limited time offer! Make any purchase at Love-Washed across the street and receive 50% your next purchase at Duality! Must show receipt to receive coupon.’

Tiana smiled, handing the coupon back. “Well, welcome, and if you need anything, I’m here to help.”

The girls thanked her, running off to browse.

Tiana walked up to the display window, looking straight out to the window of Changkyun’s store.

There, she saw him at the register, handing out the handmade coupons to each patron. He looked up, meeting her gaze. He smiled, winking at her before helping the next customer.

“Excuse me?”

“Yes?” Tiana said, focusing on the customer in front of her.

“I couldn’t help but notice your necklace. It’s beautiful. Do you sell it here at the store? Purple is my favorite color!”

Tiana smiled. “Yes, actually. It’s a Love-Washed exclusive. I can also show you more from this collection if you’d like?”

“Yes, please!”

Walking back to the register, Amara came out of the backroom, confused.

“Tee, where all these people come from?”

“Across the street.”

“From Duality?”

“Apparently, everyone that shops here gets a discount from there.”

Amara glanced at Tiana, then smirked. “Okay, miss thang, I see you.”

“Me? I didn’t do anything!”

“Sure you didn’t. Well, I’ll be in the back if you need me.” She said, waving her off.

Tiana shook her head, looking out the window again. This time, Changkyun was at his usual spot by the mailbox, smirking her way. Tiana smiled, waving at him.

Maybe Changkyun as a neighbor wasn’t so bad.

#changkyun smut #changkyun fic #monsta x smut #monsta x fic #kpop smut #kpop fanfic #kpop fanfiction

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faelid · 1 year

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Duality

Changkyun x Reader Summary: Reader on the journey to baby bi. Changkyun is supportive. Warnings (in the interest of fairness): some angst/comfort, commitment-phobia/fear of relationships, caretaker-codependent, gender roles are silly, coming out to boyfriend.

It’s never been too much of a bother, people mistakenly assuming your sexuality. Why should it matter if a guy you wouldn’t sleep with on the first date comforted himself with thinking you were a lesbian? Or if Jane from accounting insisted that your standing lack of a boyfriend meant you liked girls? At the end of the day, it was no one’s business but yours; yours, and the person you were interested in.

It’s nice on paper; to think it that way.

You’d like to be so self-assured in the face of invasive questions into your personal life. The reality is that sometimes, it does it hit home. Long periods of being single make you question whether or not you’re genuinely pursuing other interests, or if all these strangers somehow know something about you that you don’t, something holding you back in the dating department.

The immediate reality, however, was more straightforward: man or woman, the concept of dating was overwhelming.

Juggling another person’s feelings in the balance with your own, knowing the relationship wouldn’t last because you have Things You Want To Do and you don’t want to be beholden to another person.

Trying to gauge when either party developed Feelings, even if it was casual, and having to end it, knowing it’s for your own good but feeling like a terrible person, anyway. The sense of being trapped, the heightened awareness of someone else’s emotions. Always waiting for the shoe to drop.

Not every relationship Has To Go Somewhere. You’ve reminded yourself before, for all the good it does. Your last relationship lasted four years, and looking back, you must have been insane. You’d tried twice to end things, because it made sense when you’d moved apart after graduation, made sense when you realized you didn’t want to move in together out of the blue.

It was harder to end it when things were otherwise fine. He was a genuinely nice guy, if with some flags you may have overlooked. He didn’t understand when you tried to call it off, and you faltered, questioning your own judgement.

And so you stayed.

In the end, he breaks up with you. You cry and he doesn’t. Maybe it’s more a sense of failure than any lingering feelings, because the sobbing makes you feel lighter, and you don’t try to convince him to stay.

Later you’ll understand that you should have stood your ground when the roles were reversed.

That when someone wants to break up with you, the best thing you can do is let them. You wish he’d given you that courtesy, saved both of you years of anxiety and remorse, but here you are.

Overstaying is your specialty. Work. Friendships. A pathological inability to walk away, to say “no.”

It’s like you never learn your lesson. That, more than anything, is what stays your hand. Even as you yearn for physical touch, companionship – a little bit of vitamin D.

The prospect of having twice as many options to disappoint people doesn't exactly propel you into exploration.

It’s exhausting just to think about, let alone pursue. It doesn't stop women from crossing your mind; just that, even feeling men as the only viable option, you're afraid to date.

It makes it all the more amazing that you fall into this thing with Changkyun. It's easy.

He's easy.

He doesn't come on too strong, doesn't bowl you over with enthusiasm.

He listens when you talk; genuinely listens, doesn't just hear what he wants to hear.

He doesn't demand every moment of attention, doesn't need you glued at his side to feel secure with you.

Dating Changkyun is...a relief.

The mutual respect and care is liberating - you have the sense that if you felt the need to separate, he would support you, even if it pained him to let you go.

It's that sense of safety that allows you, eventually, to process those niggling doubts about your preferences.

It's an unremarkable moment, when you're watching netflix together, that reminds you of this unsolved business.

"So, cupcake. What will it be: man...or woman?"

A quick glance at Changkyun's face, still glued to the tv, means he didn't notice the way your heart had just skipped a beat. Watching the flustered love interest in the show stumble through the next few scenes, you have to remind yourself to breathe normally.

You allow yourself to tuck the thought away for later consideration, because you don't need to know right this moment.

It is, in fact, the first you've even processed it as a possibility. And happy as you are in your current relationship, it's deserving of exploration. Even if it's just for you.

Days turn into weeks, checking your reactions to actors and actresses, replaying a backlog of slightly odd interactions with women throughout the years. Monitoring your reactions to women throughout the day.

The longer you think about it, the more natural it feels.

It's not every woman, just like it's never been every man.

But you remember catching eyes with a girl at camp, the 'hot damn' you'd felt and written off as envy, given how cool and effortlessly attractive she was.

Late night Google lets you know that questioning "do I want to be you, or do I just want you" is common when you don't realize you're attracted to women. And maybe, occasionally, it's a little bit of both.

It's not the only time you've felt that way.

It would be false to say that this period of reflection is painless, that one line in a television show caused everything click into place until all was right in the world.

It's...stressful. To fight your internalized bias. To be in a relationship with a man and acknowledge that you could also be in a relationship with a woman - not that you want to, right now.

Just that you could be. If you wanted to.

It’s a secret to no one that Changkyun likes looking pretty - that beyond the stage makeup and the camera glam, he enjoys the chance to press against his boundaries.

Well polished, well manicured nails make him smile, bringing bright spots to dark days.

A dab of power lipstick brings more satisfaction than power underpants, and he revels in the feel of eyes lingering on one of his favorite features.

Accessories – necklace, earrings, watch – give him a sense of fulfillment, bringing any outfit to the next level. The sparkles don’t hurt, either.

It doesn’t make him less of man; no more so than an ability to wield power tools makes you less of a woman.

You've always known that men don’t have the flexibility in self-expression women do, that the gates of masculinity are much more carefully guarded. It's why you've always been advised to 'date someone who toes the line' and not someone too far to either side.

You’ve heard him, and the others, quip “duality” at each other before; you’ve never asked, but understood on an intrinsic level that it referred, in part, to this back and forth, a fluidity in gender expression not afforded to most men. The balance between the attitude, makeup, and accessorizing required by his profession, versus his preference.

His quiet confidence, his ability to reflect and evolve. They're all things you admire about him, on top of the demonstrated attraction.

Maybe that's part of why he's the first person you're willing to trust with this self-discovery, even if it's his reaction you should be most concerned about.

Knowing, deciding to share, is one thing. How to approach it is an entirely other. You spend a few silly hours imagining some grand proclamation, an earth-shattering statement, plotting appropriate moments to reveal something so deeply life-altering.

In the end, it's almost nothing. A side bar to your day.

It happens on impulse one night while you're cooking dinner. Changkyun is sat at the counter with a glass, making idle conversation while he catches up on his internet fix for the day, and it slips out.

Of all the scenarios you considered, it comes out sheepish. Part confused as to how you'd gotten here, part embarrassed that it had taken so long. You could have just as easily been saying "Honey, I think I burnt the bread."

Instead you say, "Babe...I think I might be bi."

He looks up from his phone and blinks a few times, and you rush to fill the sudden silence.

"It's not that I want to date anyone else!" You wring your hands in the apron, searching for something to occupy them. "I'm really happy with you, and I love you. There's no one else, and I'm not trying to see other people, or get freaky and bring someone else into our relationship or anything! It's just...I think I also find women attractive and I wanted you to know." You finish lamely, searching his face for a response.

"Okay." He says, and of course he makes it simple. You echo it back to him, like the word is foreign, and then he smiles and beckons you over.

He looks up at you from his seat, tugging you closer until you're stood between his legs, his hands warm and reassuring on your hips.

"Yes, 'okay'. I trust you." He rocks you gently, like he's cementing the point. "I always trust you. And thank you for telling me."

"It's not weird for you?"

"It could be a little weird, but I'm not worried about it. Just keep me in the loop if you do decide you want to act on any of those feelings, 'kay?"

You feel liberated, afterwards. Like saying it aloud removed a weight from your shoulders, like you've finally given yourself permission to accept it as a part of your identity.

You don't see any need to shout it from the rooftops, or explain it to everyone you know, just like you'd never bothered to explain away not being a lesbian.

It's enough that you know, that your best friend and partner knows, too. That the next time he sees your gaze lingering on a woman, reveling in the ability to do so, he can lean in to whisper:

"She's cute."

"...yeah. Yeah, she is."

His commentary is a welcome reminder, as you adjust, that it's okay to notice, to appreciate, despite not wanting to explore in depth.

Your boyfriend is cool like that.

#fanfic is cheaper than therapy #pay no mind to the emotionally stunted monkey in the corner #monsta x #monsta x fanfic #monsta x reader #im changkyun #not sure I'm keeping this one #but will share for now

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