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songofsoma · 1 year

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a wish to be loved

CONTAINS BOOK 3 SPOILERS set right after the ava kiss scene, at least cece has great friends

fandom: the wayhaven chronicles words: 1,525 rating: general

read it on ao3

When the door shut behind Ava that sick yet familiar feeling of loneliness began to fill the space. It wound through her like tendrils, wrapping around her throat until she felt like she couldn’t breathe and plugging her ears until the rang. All she could feel was the rawness of her lips from being kissed, the heat on her thighs where Ava’s hands had lifted her, and the ache settling deep in her chest.

Cecilia knew what loneliness was more than most.

It was like a second home.

Every single person in her life who she had truly loved left her at some point.

It happened when she was seven and her dad died. Her favorite person in the entire world cruelly ripped away.

Then every time her mother chose work over her, leaving her with a random babysitter until Cecilia was deemed old enough to care for herself. After that, it was just Cecilia coming home from school to an empty house to cook herself dinner and put herself to bed hoping she might get a chance to see her mom in the morning, even if in passing.

There was no more childhood after Rook died.

Her poor heart was broken in so many ways, but this time might just be the one to leave it completely shattered when the woman she loved left her.

The dried tears from before were quickly replaced with fresh ones. Since the start of the kidnappings, it was like every time she wasn’t good enough was a new crack in her sanity. She was on the brink of disaster and was only held together by some shitty scotch tape at best.

Cecilia did her best to hide it, putting on a smile and making sure those around her were alright. If she focused on them it would allow her to not think about herself. She knew others could tell from the way Farah stared at her sometimes and even Nat when she thought Cecilia wasn’t looking. No one said anything outright.

She turned and caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror and suddenly it was like she was a child again. Dad dead. Mom busy working. Left to take care of herself even when she was raw and vulnerable.

Her eyes slid away from her reflection, unable to handle the memories any longer, and landed on the soft shape of the duck stuffy sitting on top of her dresser. It felt like a lifetime ago since the carnival and her and Ava’s “fake” date. Cecilia remembered her excitement when Ava handed the prize to her, claiming she had no use for it.

Cecilia loved that fucking duck. She had been so relieved that it hadn’t been ruined in her apartment accident.

She stood before it now, staring into its little glass eyes and it all suddenly became too much.

The first sob shook her and the ones following brought her to her knees as she cried.

She cried for her lost childhood. She cried because she was so damn lonely. And mostly, she cried because she wished someone would love her in the way she loved them.

At some point, Cecilia had made it to bed.

She lay on her side in the quiet darkness, stuffed duck nestled in her arms.

A hesitant knock sounded on the door. It opened before she could respond.

“Cece?” Farah called quietly into the room. “Can I come in?”

“Yeah,” she whispered.

Luckily the vampire didn’t need light to navigate the dark bedroom and crawled onto the bed quickly. “I’ll even let you be the little spoon,” Farah teased, slotting herself behind Cecilia beneath the covers.

Cecilia was grateful for her best friend’s comfort. A hand curled around Farah’s soft forearm as a few coils of hair tickled her cheek. The feeling of familiarity was a blessing as the smell of her friend’s soap and the slightest hint of cinnamon sliced through the dreaded loneliness.

“I would’ve come sooner but thought you might need some time,” she murmured.

She nodded. “Thank you,” Cecilia rasped, her voice hoarse from crying.

Farah was silent for a few seconds before saying, “We could always break into Nat’s special room and find her stash of old alcohol. Not like she’s going to use it. Besides, I think she’d let you do just about anything right now.”

That made Cecilia snort. “As tempting as that sounds, my head already hurts enough.”

She felt Farah shrug the shoulder not pressed against the mattress. “Fair. Offer still stands.”

It made Cecilia finally produce a small smile.

They lay there without saying much for a while. Cecilia wasn’t up for talking and Farah clearly understood. With someone else with her, she was finally feeling the exhaustion of her emotions surging forward until her eyelids were becoming heavier by the second. Farah had come dressed in her pajamas, having already intended to stay with her best friend as long as she was needed.

“Hey, Farah,” she whispered.

“Yeah?”

“I love you. You really are my best friend.”

Farah’s arm squeezed her tightly. “You’re my best friend too. I love you so much that I considered kicking Ava’s arms out from under her earlier so she would faceplant into the ground.”

Cecilia smiled, although she wasn’t quite sure what she was talking about. Still, she appreciated the sentiment.

She and Farah parted ways the next morning. Morgan had come and banged on Cecilia’s door trying to find Farah so they could go on their patrol. To say Farah was uncharacteristically irritated with Morgan after was an understatement.

Cecilia hugged her goodbye, smiling at the promise they would watch stupid movies later together when she returned.

Knowing it would be stupid of her to hole up in her room, Cecilia made the brave decision of venturing out into the kitchen. She pushed the thought of seeing Ava to the back of her mind while trying to ignore the way her stomach turned at the idea.

Thankfully, there was only Nat seated at the table, squinting at a crossword puzzle with her lips pursed. A pencil twirled absent-mindedly in her fingers.

“What’s the question?”

Nat looked up seeming a bit surprised by Cecilia’s presence. She recovered quickly though, looking back down to her paper. “Who don’t you put in a corner?”

Cecilia crossed the room to stand behind her and looked over her shoulder. “Baby.”

The woman twisted in her seat, a look of confusion pulled at her features. “Why on earth would you put a baby in a corner?”

She couldn’t help the laugh that escaped her. “No, the character’s name is Baby. It’s from the movie Dirty Dancing.” Cecilia took a seat in the chair next to Nat. “Why did you choose a pop culture crossword anyway?”

“Farah printed it out for me. She said it would keep me busy.” Nat paused, long fingers drumming on the table in thought. “I suppose she was right on the keeping me busy part because I have no idea what half of these words mean strung together like this.”

Cecilia smiled—until Nat truly looked at her in her Nat way that openly read I know you aren’t okay. Then her lips curled into a frown.

“Are you doing alright?” she asked, reaching over to place a hand on top of Cecilia’s.

She let out a long sigh. Her head still hurt from crying last night and she was sure her eyes were puffy so she looked a wreck. “I guess.”

Nat squeezed her hand. “You don’t have to be. It’s completely understandable.”

“I’m sure you already know what happened then,” Cecilia mumbled, suddenly unable to meet her eyes. Something about their friendly warmth made her feel unworthy.

“Secrets don’t seem to last long around here,” she said, then followed by, “Farah told me after she saw Ava in the hall.”

Cecilia stared at the pattern in the wooden grains of the tabletop. The muscles in her jaw were already beginning to ache from the way she clenched it. “It just…” she trailed off at first, finger tracing the space where her gaze went. “It just hurts.”

“What does?”

Swallowing hard, Cecilia finally met Nat’s concerned look. “Loving someone who doesn’t love you back. No, let me rephrase. Loving someone who feels the same but won’t let herself and breaks my heart over and over again in the process.”

Nat frowned but nodded in understanding.

She felt tears flooding her eyes once more. “I’m not strong anymore, Nat,” Cecilia whispered. “I feel like I’m falling apart. I don’t know how much more I can take.”

By the end, her voice was wobbling and Nat moved from her chair to kneel in front of Cecilia, pulling her into a hug. Cecilia clung to her tightly, willing herself not to break into tears all over again.

“I wish there was something I could do,” Nat whispered.

Out of the corner of her eye, Cecilia caught movement. She turned her head just in time to see the figure of Ava slinking back into the hallway and the mournful look clouding her face. “Me too, Nat. Me too.”

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