#cant see myself leaving any of my animals for themselves like that. itll hurt so fucking much i just know it.
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the grief after the loss is something so foreign but at the same time not new. how do you even explain that. just Big Big grief. i have her doll - its so worn and nasty but she loved this dirty thing and i can’t throw it away. can’t even cancel appointments/make calls/drink apple juice without falling apart and losing dignity lmao i’m so fuckedddd.
#◟ ⋆ㅤㅤif my hair's a mess﹐my mind's a mess.ㅤ( ooc )#to delete *#i sit on it for a moment or even a second and the tears fall :thumbs up:#pet loss /#vent in tags /#cleaned up her kennel last night. cleaned up the bed. i have to clean the floor still. her bowl is here. just. ughhhh.#i brought in echo and idk if she even realizes.#im fine one moment then just falling apart and i get a headache for it.#ill stop lol i promise im just. still in shock. grief isnt new to me but this kind is. at the same time not#i lost a pet before but not like this. not putting them down. not sitting there for their last moments#i didnt want to but i know she'd look for me if i didnt stay just#its better for her. it was. considering the grand scheme it was so necessary#i have to clean the giant teddy bear i have bc we both used to sit on it but as things got worse#she started using the bathroom on it so thats necessary to clean but i just. can't bring myself to despite wanting to. needing to.#i know when i get her ashes im gonna break all over again thi sfucking sucks man#my brother said he respects me a lot for staying with her during those last minutes bc he couldnt with his dog- he wasnt strong enough#i dont feel strong enough i was falling apart in that office lol.#but your pets look for you when thats happening. in a room of strangers. they look for you.#cant see myself leaving any of my animals for themselves like that. itll hurt so fucking much i just know it.#this was hard i cant imagine for binx and echo.#setting yourself up for heartbreak with pets but i know ill do it again.#almost bursting into tears in public how fucking humiliating asjfha#crying in the vets office was humiliating enough but i didnt really care anymore#the vets were so kind but looking back i just cry again but idk what else to think of bc she's not here.#just traces and it sucks!!!!#edit: im probably gonna have to call work again and ask for another two days for bereavement lol#i did lose someone else too but this is my girl. i raised her. i put her down.#i cant pretend that much with a deep loss. i cried on the phone with my hr manager lmao that was fucking bad#might def cry more when i ask. im expecting them to let me bc these are my days off yesterday wasnt but#it was so abrupt.
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personal rant i dont want on my main blog ay
(tw for suicide and graphic description of gore, ik this is a gore blog but still)
i am actually anti recovery, when it comes to mental illness
and i dont mean like, i know a lot of people who just immerse themselves in being depressed and constantly make jokes about how awful and garbage they are and i *dont* think thats healthy. it tends to tear people apart and ive seen it do really bad things, making illness your identity like that can screw you up
BUT
also
everyone ive seen do that has insanely awful situations. living with severely abusive people (living with someone who tried to drown them, for an example), living with people who constantly put them down, people who will never except them for who they are, and like. you cant get better in a situation like that.
the way we treat almost every disorder, is just. ineffective.
i go to therapy, my grandmother is paying for it. ive had 4 therapists, 8 weeks of group, meds, and a hospitalization. none of it has helped. and i know why
hospitalization is ineffective. i 100% believe, if you go into a psyche ward, untraumatized, you will come out with trauma. being watched 24/7, being forced to do things under the threat of being kept their longer, not being allowed to leave, is completely completely ineffective and straight up EVIL. we need to completely get rid of forced hospitalization. full stop.
most therapy is ineffective, or effective but kinda fucked up. at least in my experience.
i spent years letting people walk over me and having no boundaries. due entirely to friends, people i trust, i now have boundaries, which then get walked over by every therapist ive ever had.
for example, today, i was talking about how tired i was, evern though i do nothing all day. so my therapist is like “maybe you should get back into swimming”, so i say that its incredibly hard, because (a bunch of stressors you dont need to know) so she says that sometimes you have to put up with some level of discomfort to do things you love. which i absolutely will not fucking do. there is no reason i should have to do that. i spent years trying to create a comfort zone! im not going to step out of it and fuck that up! this isnt what i WANT i dont want to be less anxious with people watching me, i know im paranoid but i *dont fucking care* im paranoid for a reason, for me being watched and being in danger will never be seperated, and im not going to change that.
all therapists ive ever had, insist i would be happier with irl friends. i want irl friends, but i cant make them. ive never been able to form actually connections with people face to face. if i dont have online friends, i would never talk about my problems, or interests, to anyone. i dont want to change that, and i cant change that. ive met one person irl who actually cared about what i had to say. plently of people like me, like spending time with me, but ive never met someone face to face who care about what i have to say, or make me feel safe enough to talk about my problems. me changing my perception or being less anxious will not change that.
no therapist has actually helped me with what i want fixed, with things that would actually improve my life.
my emotions are completely uncontrolable, i go from elated to suicidal in minutes, and its always always painful. no matter of telling myself that whatever thought im having is irrational stops this. i want someone to help me fix it, or lessen it, or literally anything, but all any therapist has ever suggested to me is cbt, something that ive tried for years, and makes things worse.
my sense of permanence is almost non existant, im terrified that my friends will forget about me, im so desperate to keep people happy with me that i have breakdowns when they take longer then usual to reply. nothing anyone has said has helped with this. general it makes it worse. theres only one person in the entire world i know for certain wont flip and hate me.
i get flashes of gore everytime i hold a animal. all i can see is me killing whatever im holding, and its awful. i look at children, and all i can see is the image of me kicking their face in, over and over. i cant hold my cat without seeing my hands gouging his eyes out. or ripping out his nails. i cant pet my dog without seeing myself tearing her jaw off. i want this to stop, so badly, its painful and terrifying, and i cant tell anyone about it. i know, 100%, that if i tell people, then it will get worse. and i know that nothing anyone says will stop it.
i am almost certain that no one can actually help me fix the things i need to fix, at least without causing serious damage to me. *im not going to recover*, between all that, and my dyslexia, im not going to be able to actually function in society as it is right now. im tired of being told that itll get better. to me, the only hope i have of actually having a managable level of okay, is living with my best friend, and working from home. i will not get better living with my parents. im almost certain ill kill myself before im 22. that hurts, i know there are people who care about me, but ive excepted it. if i survive another 16 years, live to be 32, itll be a miracle. if i dont kill myself, my phobia of hospitals will.
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