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femslashrevolution · 7 years

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my journey in writing as a lesbian

This post is part of Femslash Revolution’s I Am Femslash series, sharing voices of F/F creators from all walks of life. The views represented within are those of the author only.

I’ve been writing since I can remember, long before I could even actually spell. I have notebooks full of scribbles because I liked to pretend I was writing actual stuff. Even when I was beginning to learn how to spell I prefered just scribbling in notebooks because it could be whatever my imagination created. That’s just how I did things.

And I started writing fanfiction before I even knew about fanfiction. My eight year old self did not want to except that Harry Potter was over. So I decided to write, in my head, what happens after the books end. I’m pretty sure I started like right after the Battle of Hogwarts, I took a bit of what happened in the ‘nineteen years later’ from book 7, but mostly I made up my own stuff. Harry and Ginny had four kids. Hermione and Ron oddly only had one. I would spend hours creating this story in my head, living the story out in my head. Every night while trying to fall asleep, sometimes even in the daytime when I was bored. I would pretend that I was in the story. It was very helpful to me, as I was having a really rough time mentally, to a point where it affected me physically. My story in my head, better known as fanfiction, was one of my only ways to escape from it all.

That story went on for around two years, I wish had written some of it down, because while I remember it fondly, the details are a bit fuzzy.

I wrote other fanfictions in my head, about Avatar The Last Airbender, I have even less memory of those.

The first fanfic I wrote down was for Percy Jackson, your classic self-insert fic that I thankfully have almost no memory of.

The first femslash fic I ever wrote was of Laurel Lance and Nyssa al Ghul from Arrow (which I have stopped watching due to their treatment of said two characters and other reasons). And by that point I’m pretty sure I knew I was gay, I knew at the bottom line, I liked girls.

I haven’t actually written a lot of fics featuring ladies loving ladies, and that’s something that I’m a little disappointed in myself because of.

I mean I’m not totally sure that this is a conscious thing that I do, or maybe because there’s a higher demand of non femslash fics.

I mean, there is the matter of that there is so little actual femslash portrayed in media, and I know for me, personally, sometimes it’s hard to keep up writing femslash or even shipping it when it’s so constantly shut down, when it’s something that in most cases, have no chances of ever become real, becoming canon. It’s like dreaming of going to Hogwarts, of becoming a wizard, you imagine it in your head and you dream about it and wish for it with all your heart. But deep down, there’s a part of you that just knows, knows it isn’t real, that no matter how hard you wish and hope and dream it will never happen. That’s what shipping (non-canon) femslash is like for me. It’s a constant hope but also a constant nagging thought of it won’t happen.

Now times are changing, and I’d like to believe that that nagging thought will be proven wrong over and over again. We have more and more diversity on TV, in movies and books. We even have some, very few, canon femslash couples in TV shows, but, to most of those one or both of the participants are dead, side-lined or even forgotten (I’m very much talking about Arrow and their horrible treatment of Nyssa, a canonically gay woman and how she was just completely forgotten after being forced to marry the (male) main character). It’s even gone so far that dead lesbians have a death trope. I can list off more dead lesbians then I can list happy, living, canon femslash relationships.

That’s just ridiculously horrible.

I could go on and on ranting about how fucked up media portrayal of girls who like girls are. I could bring up how writers (and actors) have shut down the possibility of their female characters have a romantic relationship with another girl because because of some extremely insulting reason. I could bring up how people (generally straight males) over-sexualize girls who like girls, find the idea hot but the actual situation gross.

But I’d rather not get to worked up over that right now. I’ve done my rant. I’ve shown my frustration. I’ve written and I’ve hoped and hoped.

But I won’t stop fighting. I won’t stop writing. And I won’t ever stop hoping. No matter how loud those nagging thoughts get, no matter how loud and stupid homophobes get.

I will keep living and keep loving, loving girls, loving girls who love girls.

And I can only encourage you to do the same.

Be brave. Be strong. And keep on loving girls.

About the author

Abby, better known on tumblr as moonlightmaia or on ao3 as hawwkgirl, is a 15 year old lesbian who dreams of being a published writer of original stories (obviously featuring lgbtq themes, probably heavily) but for now, will stick to writing fanfic and thinking up a billion original story ideas that she will probably never actually write down.

#moonlightmaia #hawwkgirl #I Am Femslash #Femslash February #Femslash February 2017 #Type: Meta #submission

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