trying to remain cognizant of the fact that there is no amount of vetting processes to 100% without fail keep losers from out of your life, but more importantly that it isnt my fault that i do inevitably end up involved with them

i cant know who people are until i know who people are! it just is what it is. just gotta move accordingly once they make themselves known. i guess its tiring getting your hopes up. like..

its not fair to others to try and connect with them without putting your whole heart in it, but when you take it seriously, it only hurts that much more when it inevitably flops, but if you dont try then you only guarantee that youll never have what it is you seek

its so hard to fight off the question of "why bother" while trying to take human interaction in stride. the complete lack of control of how relationships go regardless of which perspective you have is maddening. you can do everything right and still be reacted to as though you did everything wrong. and theres no recourse! it just is what it is. like there's no justice or rectification. like that happens and thats just it; youre just expected to get over it and keep moving forward, regardless of how gutted you are. like nobody cares but you, because you're the only other party thats emotionally invested.

the more you try, the lonelier you get, and the more you inevitably suffer. "when does it end?' i scream into the void for the thousandth time. the void stares back; arms out, silently beckoning me towards its embrace